May 16, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160516

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is (THE JOCK SHOW).  We may not be the biggest radio show, and we may not be the best. But we have more nifty slogans than the other guys — and surely that counts for something.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities — his eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.  — Romans 1:20

 

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. — Ecclesiastes 11:5

 

From infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. — 2 Timothy 3:15

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. — Proverbs 4:27

 

Thought: When I see someone swerving in and out of their lanes of traffic, I immediately go into a defensive driving mode. Whether they are drunk, sleepy, or just plain careless, I know they are dangerous. God wants us to know the same is true of us when we allow ourselves to wander by and sample every form of temptation available. Let’s stick to the straight and narrow with our eyes firmly fixed on Jesus!

 

Prayer: Loving Father, please forgive me for being so easily distracted by sinful temptations. Please give me wisdom to see the things that the evil one has designed for me and avoid them and resist them. Please make Jesus, his costly sacrifice, and his holy life very real to me today, and every day, as I seek to be your holy child in the corrupt world in which I live. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 5:16 NIV = In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

 

 

TODAY IS MONDAY – MAY 16, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 222 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

NATIONAL EFFECTIVENESS WEEK begins today.  ***MARLAR: That’s it?  They just tell us it’s Effectiveness Week but nothing more specific?  Doesn’t seem all that effective, does it?

 

Today is SING “ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT” IN ROUNDS DAY. ***MARLAR: You might want to try it at the office to impress your boss. We’d try it here at the station, but no one, including myself, can carry a note in a bucket.

 

Today is the ANNIVERSARY OF A VOTE THAT TOOK PLACE IN WILLIAMSTOWN, MASSACHUSETTS. In 1996, the town voted 165-138 to end the 200-year-old tradition of opening the town’s annual meeting with a prayer. The ironic thing is that, even though they voted to ban the opening prayer, they took time before the vote to pray for guidance and wisdom regarding whether or not they should ban the prayer.  That’s actually dumber than if they’d sung “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Accounting Day

Biographer’s Day

Mimosa Day

National Piercing Day

National Sea Monkey Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, MAY 17

World Hypertension Day

World Information Society Day

World Telecommunications Day

World Neurofibromatosis Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18

Buy a Musical Instrument Day

EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day

HIV Vaccine Awareness Day

I Love Reeses Day

International Museum Day

Mother Whistler Day

National Employee Health & Fitness Day

National Museum Day

Turn Beauty Inside Out Day

Visit Your Relatives Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 19

Boys Club Day

Hummus Day

May Ray Day

National Scooter Day

National Hepatitis Testing Day

World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 20

Eliza Doolittle Day

Everybody Draw Mohammed Day

Endangered Species Day

International Virtual Assistants Day

O Henry Pun-of Day

NASCAR Day

National Bike To Work Day

National Defense Transportation Day

National Pizza Party Day

Weights & Measures Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day

Armed Forces Day

Day of Vesak

Do Dah Day

End of the World (Rapture Party Day)

I Need a Patch For That Day

National Learn to Swim Day

National Heritage Breeds Day

National Wait Staff Day

Preakness

Sister Maria Hummel Day

World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

Victoria Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 22

Canadian Immigrants Day

Harvey Milk Day

Neighbor Day

International Day for Biological Diversity

National Maritime Day

U.S. Colored Troops Day

World Goth Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula

Declaration of the Bab Day

National Taffy Day

World Crohn’s and Colitis Day

World Turtle Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

218: Speaking of being ineffective (see today’s Weird Holidays), Heliogabalus became Emperor of Rome. He was a terrible ruler. He appointed his hairstylist the Attorney General, and made his mother the Sun God! ***MARLAR: Fortunately, no one could pronounce his name to rebuke him.

 

1770: Fourteen-year-old Marie Antoinette married the future King Louis VI of France who was 15.

 

1831: David Hughes was born in London. David invented the microphone. ***MARLAR: If he hadn’t done that, this story would sound something like this: (yelling) “DAVID HUGHES WAS BORN IN LONDON ON THIS DAY IN 1831!  DAVID DIDN’T INVENT DIDDLYSQUAT!”

 

1904: The automohorse was patented. The first autos tended to scare horses, so this ingenious invention was an automobile that looked like a horse.

 

1965: The Beach Boys sang their hit “Help Me, Rhonda” on “The Ed Sullivan Show.”

 

1985: Michael Jordan was named NBA Rookie of the Year. He had been drafted #3 by Chicago. In the 1984 draft, Houston took Akeem Olajuwon at #1, Portland drafted Sam Bowie #2. Dallas took Sam Perkins #4, Philadelphia got Charles Barkley at #5. Utah finally grabbed lowly Gonzaga’s John Stockton at #16.

 

1985: Columbia Records presented a $6.5-million check to USA For Africa, royalty earned in only two months by the single “We Are the World.” Singer Harry Belefonte was credited as the original pusher for artists to help raise money for the starving in Africa.

 

1988: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police can search your garbage without a warrant if they suspect criminal activity.

 

1989: The Vatican condemned pornography and violence in films, specifically mentioning King Fu movies.  ***MARLAR: It took the Vatican until 1989 to condemn pornography? What was the debate THERE?!?

 

1991: Fourteen Stanford University students started leapfrogging. They stopped 10 days and 999.2 miles later with a Guinness world record.  ***MARLAR: They were trying for a thousand miles, but had to quit when half of them were run over in the highway or eaten by alligators that looked like logs.

 

1992: Weird Al Yankovic’s “Smell Like Nirvana” peaked at  #35 in the U.S.

 

1996: Residents of Williamstown, Massachusetts, voted 165-138 to end their 200-year tradition of opening the annual town meeting with a prayer. Before they voted, they prayed.

 

1999: Near Somerset, England, a rookie bull named President suffering from nervous exhaustion brought on by having to service 80 cows was treated with acupuncture to cure the stress. Dairy farmer Richard Clothier said using drugs would endanger his farm’s organic status. The acupuncture worked and helped President relax.

 

2000: The New York Democratic Party nominated First Lady Hillary Clinton for the U.S. Senate, making her the first First Lady to run for public office..

 

2005: Sony introduced three new styles of its PlayStation 3 video game machine.

 

2007: Twenty-two-year-old Evonne D. Maurice pleaded guilty in federal court to trying to rob a Rhode Island bank at a drive-up window while traveling in a hired limousine. She told the driver she needed to withdraw cash from a branch bank to pay for the ride. Then she handed the teller an envelope with a note demanding money. The teller triggered an alarm.  Police said the driver was unaware of the robbery attempt. Maurice was sentenced to 37 months in prison for two other Connecticut bank robberies after police found her working at a Hooters in Florida.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

583: Brendan the Navigator, founder of a Celtic monastery in Clonfert, Ireland, dies. Some Irish scholars have asserted that Brendan was among the first Europeans to reach America, nine centuries before Columbus.

 

1569: Dirk Willem, Anabaptist, is burned at the stake, captured only because he turned to save a pursuer who had fallen through the ice that Willem was fleeing over. The very man he rescued took him captive.

 

1805: Henry Martyn, a well-educated Englishman, arrives in India to aid William Carey with translation work.

 

1835: A few men meet in David Nasmith’s little home to found the London City Mission. Nasmith had already founded the world’s first city mission in Glasgow nine years earlier.

 

1945: Death of G. Campbell Morgan, one of the great expositors of the Bible. He began to preach at thirteen, but his faith faltered in face of materialism. For years he neglected his Bible. Then a change occurred. “I bought a new Bible and began to read it with an open mind and a determined will. That Bible found me. The Book gave forth a glow which warmed my heart, and the Word of God which I read therein gave to my troubled soul the relief and satisfaction that I had sought for elsewhere. Since that time I have lived for one end–to preach the teachings of the Book that found me.”

 

1957: Harold Jackson and Joseph Brown sign an agreement to buy land for New Tribes Mission to create a boot camp in Australia to facilitate efforts to reach Papua New Guinea for Christ.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • daughter-actress (“Beverly Hills 90210”) Tori Spelling 43 (audio clip)
  • Actress (“Growing Pains”) Tracey Gold, 47 (audio clip)
  • Actor (“Kids in the Hall,” Sky High, Pastor Dave on “That 70’s Show”) Kevin McDonald, 55 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Terms of Endearment, An Officer and a Gentleman) Debra Winger, 61
  • actor (“Remington Steele,” Dante’s Peak, The Matador, and James Bond-007 in The World is Not Enough, Die Another Day, Tomorrow Never Dies, The November Man) Pierce Brosnan 63 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1913 : Woody Herman

1919 : Liberace

1929 : Betty Carter

1932 : Isaac “Red” Holt (Young-Holt Unlimited, The Ramsey Lewis Trio)

1935 : Corinthian “Kripp” Johnson (The Dell-Vikings)

1939 : Pervis Jackson (The Spinners)

1945 : Nicky Chinn

1946 : Roger Earl (Foghat, Savoy Brown)

1946 : Robert Fripp (King Crimson)

1946 : Billy Cobham

1947 : Darrel Sweet (Nazareth)

1947 : Barbara Lee (The Chiffons)

1949 : William Spooner (Grateful Dead)

1951 : Jonathan Richman (The Modern Lovers)

1953 : Richard Page (Mr. Mister)

1955 : Hazel O’Connor

1965 : Krist Novoselic (Nirvana)

1966 : Janet Jackson (Janet Damita Jo Jackson)

1968 : Ralph Tresvant (New Edition)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?
Nah. But when they were first introduced, people wouldn’t touch hot dogs for fear that they were made of dogs. So how did the hot dog get its strange name? Good question. The hot dog was originally called “frankfurter” after Frankfurt, Germany, its birthplace. But from the beginning people called it “dachshund sausage,” because it looked like the long, thin dog. In the US, the German sausage was especially popular with New York baseball fans, who bought the newfangled sandwich from vendors who sold them by yelling, “Get your dachshund sausages while they’re red hot.” Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist, thought these vendors were so comical, that he decided to lampoon them. In his cartoon, they were shown selling REAL dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling “Get your hot dogs!” at each other. The name stuck, and the rest is history.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

DC Talk didn’t get the response they were looking for when they announced a Jesus Freak Cruise this week. After more than a week of build up and hype, Tobymac, Michael Tait, and Kevin Max announced that the group DC Talk will be back together for a cruise to the Behammas during the summer of 2017. However, fans were clearly hoping for much more. The initial response was predominately negative, prompting Tobymac to post on the DC Talk Facebook page, we’ve said “No” to coming back together so many times, but this time we finally said “YES”. It can be so challenging for us to all get together with our families going in different directions, and our own bands, and their families. We are sorry it is not everything you wanted. We would never want to let any of you down.

https://www.facebook.com/dctalkofficial/

 

Leave it to Comedian Bob Smiley to poke some fun at the backlash experienced by DC Talk. Just hours after disappointed fans learned that DC Talk’s big 2017 reunion announcement was just a cruise, Bob posted: Is this a bad time to announce my 2017 cruise?

 

Colton Dixon was doing a little lip sinking this week. He was in a store when one of his songs came over the PA system and he recorded a video clip as he sang along.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFRedwzQjWn/

 

For several months Switchfoot has been talking about their new album on social media. Until now, it’s simply been known as Album 10. However, this week the band sent an exclusive email to fans officially announcing the album title and release date. Where The Light Shines Through will release July 8.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ma5OpHsSspg

 

The members of We Are Messengers aren’t above using their children to sell their new album. Members of the band recorded videos of a couple of their children holding their latest album and asking people to buy their daddy’s CD.

 

Luke, from for King and Country, joined his wife this week for a trip to El Salvador. They spent their time in the country observing the work done by Compassion International. As a special bonus, Luke says they got to meet the child their family personally sponsors.

http://twitter.com/4kingandcountry/status/730787468815962112/photo/1

 

Jamie Grace was celebrating her mom’s 50th birthday this week. Jamie said: many women want their age to be a secret, Mama Harper has always taught me that it’s a privilege to live each day and you should be proud of every day the Lord gives you. So happy 50th birthday mom.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFSmdIvTS-t/

 

Michael from Building 429 says they will be enjoying mahi tacos for quite a few days to come. He posted a picture of the 18 fish they caught on a just completed fishing trip.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFSkXwsFyFK/

 

Point of Grace wants to celebrate your graduate. They asked their social media followers to send pictures to POGgrad@gmail.com.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Florida woman has been arrested on shoplifting charges after cops found a cellphone and a puddle of urine — both allegedly belonging to her — in an Ann Taylor store. A store employee told officers that several security tags had been removed from merchandise.  ***That’s actually pretty ingenious – I mean, once you pee on something – there’s no way they’re going to want it back.

 

Florida deputies say a woman used reusable grocery bags to steal $199 worth of groceries from a grocery store and then claimed she walked out of the store without paying because she had defecated in her pants.  ***Do grocery stores no longer sell wet wipes or have diaper aisles?

 

In Moscow, three men are demanding compensation after they found a dead rat in a pack of spicy croutons. The rat had been cooked and seasoned with the same spices as the croutons.  ***Croutons – now a great source of protein!

 

Police in Germany pulled a man over for drunk driving. So he decided to pass himself off as someone else. Police say the driver’s details seemed to be correct when he told them who he was — until their records showed the man matching his description was registered as having a glass eye.  ***His eye may not be made of glass, but I’ll bet the cop heard an audible shattering of something when this guy’s story fell apart.

 

A law student is demanding a lifetime supply of KitKats after she bought a pack of the chocolate bars without any wafer inside. 20-year-old Saima Ahmad, a second-year law student at Kings College, London, is demanding Nestle compensate her with a lifetime supply of KitKats, or face her taking legal action.  *** I’m sure Nestle’s eight-hundred attorneys are sweating at the thought of you and your fresh-from-the-bar lawyer taking them to small claims court.

 

Maryland’s largest school system just made it easier for high school students to get A’s.  Just months after deciding to eliminate traditional final exams, Montgomery County has announced significant changes to its method of calculating grades starting in the 2016-2017 school year, most notably that final course grades will be rounded up after a student’s two quarterly grades are averaged. If a student gets, say, an A for the first quarter in geometry and then a B for the second quarter, the student’s semester course grade would be an A. If a student gets an A in one quarter and then a D in the next quarter, they would end up with a B.  ***Welcome to Maryland – making our students dumber by convincing them they’re not!

http://wapo.st/1qe3IGZ

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Researchers discovered, after studying 2 million people, that you’re more likely to die on your birthday than any other day of the year. The ‘birthday blues’ bring a rise in deaths from heart attacks, strokes, falls, suicides and even cancer. They found people over age 60 were 14% more likely to die on their birthdays.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like we have our storyline for the next “Final Destination” movie.

 

Some politicians in Sweden want to encourage men to sit during urination. The Left Party said sit-down urination is more hygienic and reduces the risk of bathroom users having to negotiate their way around puddles en route to the toilet. The supporters of the motion said sitting during urination also has medical benefits, including reducing the risk of prostate problems.  ***MARLAR: This will never work though, because men will never remember to set the toilet seat down first.

 

Researchers (University of Leicester) have figured out that a vampire would need a little less than six and a half minutes to guzzle 15% of your blood. ***Any faster and he gets brain freeze.

 

Roughly 70% of cellphone owners have used their devices in the last month to gather real-time information such as traffic alerts or look up sports scores. According to a survey (Pew Internet & American Life Project) smartphones are turning more people into “real-time information seekers and problem solvers.”  ***MARLAR: Problem number one?  Trying to find a decent cell signal.  Do they have an app for that?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Slow Children”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Thor Ramsey, “Drunk Proposal”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Millard the Monkey discovered, quite by accident, that dropping a coconut on your head – while painful – also gives a mild, pleasant, buzz sensation.  So Millard kept dropping a coconut on his head.  Again, and again, and again!  Let’s find out what happens, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: Should Sully try clunking just because the other animals are doing it?  And just because everyone is doing it, does that necessarily make it okay?  Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 21/22

 

OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Cheetah Bonita’s new song – which was nothing but a solo – had everyone in the jungle deciding not to cooperate with each other – and the only peaceful place, the land of milk and honey which is occupied by the squirrels is off-limits to Cheetah Bonita because she was the reason the jungle was so noisy everywhere else.  Sad, she walked into the jungle – and met up with Racquet the Skunk.

 

CLOSE: What will Cheetah Bonita and Racquet the Skunk find in the swamp?  Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

What exactly constitutes an “emergency” in your home?

A British family was not too clear on the concept of a “real emergency”. The family in Wolverhampton, England called the 9-9-9 emergency number (the equivalent to the American 9-1-1 number) in desperate need of help. But when paramedics arrived the family’s so-called emergency was that their television had broken! A spokesperson for the ambulance company rationalized that the distraught family didn’t realize the service (the 9-9-9 number) is usually reserved for fire, police or medical emergencies.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS MAY IS AN EXCITING MONTH

 

  1. Coming Soon to a Nose Near You: Allergies!

 

  1. Three words – Correctional Officers Week

 

  1. Time saved writing May on checks makes up for February.

 

  1. Playing in traffic: fun… Playing in Indy 500 traffic: exhilarating!

 

  1. Because it is nearly done snowing in North Dakota!!!!

 

  1. Why, what greater thrill is there than prancing around a maypole!

 

  1. May flowers instead of April showers!

 

  1. The School year is almost over!

 

  1. It’s the shortest written month of the year….at least the lazy people are excited.

 

  1. The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Four Detroit carjackers thought they had found an easy mark when they spotted a woman stopped in her car.

 

FILE #1: They were wrong.  The men commandeered the vehicle, but they didn’t get far It turns out that the woman had a flat tire and was waiting for a tow truck. They jumped out of that car and took off in another vehicle, leading police on a chase. However, our friends soon crashed into a fence and hit part of a brick house and were arrested.

 

FILE #2: A New Jersey teenager’s prank almost got her parent’s in trouble. While traveling through Pennsylvania, the 15-year-old girl thought it would be funny to hold up a sign in the window for passing motorists to see that read: “HELP WE’RE BEING KIDNAPPED!” A driver saw the sign and reported it to police, who stopped the car and issued the citation before letting the family continue with the trip.

 

FILE #3: An Italian teenager on trial for robbery should’ve stopped before he got himself into more trouble! The young man, on trial for allegedly robbing a Madrid taxi driver said he has a solid alibi: On the night in question he said he was in another town picking pockets. Prosecutors say he could now spend 10 years in jail for the crimes.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Pocatello, Idaho, “It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city’s reputation.”

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A would-be robber goes to rob a drug store… but calls on the way to say he’s coming to rob it!

A 21-year-old man was arrested after calling a drug store to say he was on the way to rob it. Police said Joshua Amell was arrested in the parking lot of an Osco Drug store. The store called police to report a robbery, and officers who arrived were told the pharmacist was on the phone with a man he believed was responsible for robbing the store. He said the man told him he had a gun and was on his way to the pharmacy to get more of the drug he’d stolen before. Amell was arrested when he pulled into the parking lot.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Ladies, what mistakes do guys make on that first date that guarantee you’ll never see him again?  Expecting to go dutch?  Not opening doors for you?  Trying to get a kiss on the first date?  Maybe showing up in t-shirt and dirty jeans?  What’s a sure fire thing guys can do on a date that makes it a LAST date?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who saved her unwise husband from the wrath of David, and later married David after the death of that husband?
ANSWER: Abigail (1 Samuel 25)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was Snow White’s sister’s name?

ANSWER: Rose Red

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. You would have found the famed “Murderer’s Row” at Fenway Park. (False, Yankees Stadium)

 

  1. Farsi is the official language of Iraq. (False, Iran)

 

  1. Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Mao Tse-Tung and modern military leaders used Sun Tzu’s war manual. (True)

 

  1. G.I. Joe first appeared in a TV show. (False, a comic strip)

 

  1. Stirlings, halifaxes and lancasters were all names of WWII bombers. (True)

 

  1. The King of England wore motley on his body and a coxcomb on his head. (False, The Court Jester)

 

  1. Camp Kommandant Col. Wilhelm Klink played the trumpet on TV’s “Hogan’s heroes.” (False, Violin)

 

  1. The Fox show in which two FBI agents investigate paranormal phenomena was known as “The X-Room”. (False, “The X-Files”)

 

  1. Kojak’s first name was Rick. (False, Theo)

 

  1. When he was only 10 years old, Jim Carey sent his resume to Carol Burnett! (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ENTIRE TOWN LOSES _________ (MEMORY)

Deep in the heart of the Midwest, residents of one picturesque town in Missouri feel as though they all have forgotten something: their entire lives.

BLOOMSDALE, Mo. — To most Americans, last Tuesday is fresh in their minds. They may have gone to a salon, seen a movie, had a typical day at work. But in Bloomsdale, no one remembers Tuesday. In fact, not one resident remembers anything about his or her whole life.

State authorities first suspected a hoax when they came across a town of confused and wandering individuals, not sure of where they lived or what they did for a living. Families seem to have no recollection of their relationships. Not even local police can be reached, because simply, nobody remembers which residents were officers.

Now, the state of Missouri has concluded that an entire town could never orchestrate a lie so complex, with such commitment from elderly, middle-aged and younger citizens. By now, authorities say, someone would have come forward with the truth or would have broken down from intensive police questioning. So, the only alternative, according to experts, is that these people are telling the truth, and something has robbed hundreds of their memories and their lives.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.”
The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

 

JOKE #2

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!”

 

JOKE #3

A visitor to Texas once asked, “Does it ever rain out here?”

A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does.”

“When?” asked the visitor.

“Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”

The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”

“Well,” the rancher puffed up, “we got about half an inch that time.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Royal Caribbean has ordered a ship that fits 6400 passengers.  Some see inherent dangers in a cruise liner that big.  ***MARLAR: For one, Karaoke night will last that much longer.

 

A woman in northeastern Brazil has given birth to what one doctor called a “giant baby,” a boy weighing 16.7 pounds.  ***MARLAR: They plan on using an entire Toyota Prius as the baby’s first car seat.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOLFING PASTORS

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, four pastors went out for some time on the golf course.  After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

“You guys wouldn’t be preachers by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one pastor replied. “Why?”

“Because,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf played with such clean language!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A FIELD TRIP TO REMEMBER

Remember when you used to go on field trips in school? We never had an opportunity to really do any good on those field trips… just observe whatever it was that we were going to see. Not so for Jessica Webster! This High School senior learned a lot more than she expected during a recent field trip. Her Hallock, Minnesota, business-law class made a trip to the courthouse to learn about the legal system. They were there to see a trial — but Jessica ended up in the middle of one. It seems the jury pool was short a person and Jessica was drafted. She met the minimum requirement of being 18 and a county resident. Jessica was selected to sit on a six-person jury. The judge says she should get an “A” for doing her civic duty.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ABC’s OF A FRUITFUL LIFE
A lways put God first in your life.
B e a true friend and you will have many friends.
C ount and thank God for your many blessings daily.
D iscipline yourself. Decide to make your life count.
E dify and encourage others consistently.
F ollow great leaders and then become one.
G ive liberally and joyfully of your time, talents and means.
H ave an attitude of gratitude.
I nvert any negatives thrown your way. Turn them into positives.
J ourney through life one step and one day at a time.
K eep written goals set ahead. Make specific plans to accomplish them.
L ove and forgive everybody.
M aximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.
N ever, never, never give up!
O pen the door wide when opportunity knocks.
P ractice patience. Promote peace.
Q uit bad habits by replacing them with good habits.
R ead God’s Word and other profitable material every chance you get.
S hare the Gospel whenever and wherever possible.
T ake time to appreciate everything and everyone God has given to you.
U se your God given common sense.
V isualize your dreams and stretch to reach for them.
W atch, listen and pray without ceasing.
X amine your motives on a regular basis.
Y ield to the Holy Spirit when He prompts you.
Z oom in on God’s real purpose for your life.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WALKING TALL

READ: Leviticus 26:3,12-16

I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright. —Leviticus 26:13

During my basic training in the Army, our drill sergeant worked hard week after week to transform us from a group of slouching civilians into a company of men who stood straight and walked tall. It was not an easy job. When he finally said, “You’re looking good!” we felt proud of who we were and how we had changed.

That experience came to mind when I read Leviticus 26:13, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that you should not be their slaves; I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright.” After 400 years of slavery and hard labor, the people of Israel were burdened and discouraged. But under Moses, God led them out of bondage and put them on the road to a new life of freedom through obedience to Him.

It’s a vivid reminder of what God has done for us through Jesus Christ. Paul wrote: “Stand fast . . . in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage” (Galatians 5:1).

We don’t need to be bowed down with our sin. As we embrace the freedom of righteousness through faith in Jesus Christ, we can hold our heads high and keep walking tall. —David C. McCasland

 

May I stand firm, O God of truth,
For all that pleases Thee;
Undaunted by the critic’s frown,
Let nothing hinder me.  —Bosch

 

 

LEFTOVERS

ONE IF BY LAND…

The famous Old North Church, Boston’s 285-year-old beacon of the American Revolution, has just gone high-tech with the installation of LED lights! The energy-efficient lights now illuminate ceiling vaults inside the church, whose steeple was used by Paul Revere to display two lanterns as a signal about British troop movements on April 18, 1775- the night described in Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s famous poem, which included the line: “One if by land, and two if by sea.” Up until now, Old North has been dimly lit by old incandescent bulbs, which frequently burned out. The LEDs, on the other hand, are projected to last at least 25 times as longer and don’t give off as much heat as the older lights, which caused ceiling paint to peel prematurely. (AHN News)  ***MARLAR: So now if we’re attacked by the British it’ll be one LED if by land, two LEDs if by sea.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

INTEREST ON A WIDOWS MITE

It is estimated that if the widow’s mite had been deposited at the “First National Bank, Jerusalem” to draw four percent interest semi-annually, the fund today would total $4,800,000,000,000,000,000,000 (okay mathematicians–go figure!) If a bank on earth could multiply the widow’s mite to such an astronomical figure, think what treasures this dedicated woman will have in heaven where “moth and rust doth not corrupt!”

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HAIR TODAY

If you’re going to be a barber – you’d better not mind having a lot of hair around you. That makes sense, right? But Bill Black takes his love of hair to a new – and eerie – extreme. A few years ago, Black attempted to make the world’s largest hair ball. Which is just a little odd. Then later, Bill sold fertilizer made from human hair. A very strange idea. Now comes an even scarier idea. A cookbook full of hair-based recipes. Yes, a cookbook with recipes that include hair!  ***MARLAR: And we won’t even discuss what’s in the angel hair pasta.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU DON’T BELONG IN THE KITCHEN

  • Extra nacho cheese dip can be used to caulk the cracks in your foundation.
  • While making sure the spaghetti is done, you throw a piece against the wall, and the wall ducks.
  • Leftover milk doubles as cottage cheese.
  • The fish in the refrigerator is so old it actually begins to smell good!
  • The EPA won’t set foot in your home because they’re too nervous.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

It’s okay to tell your kids it’s okay to fail… okay?

Telling your kids that it’s okay to fail will actually make them fail less. Sounds reasonable, right? There’s new research to back it up. Here’s what researchers told one group of sixth graders: “Learning is difficult and failure is common, but practice will help, just like learning how to ride a bicycle.” Other groups got no such pep talk. Guess which group performed better on memory and reading comprehension tests? Yep, the kids that got the bicycle talk.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

An Asda Living store in Manchester, England will soon be turning off their loudspeakers, escalators, in-store music and display TVs for one hour a day and it’s not to save a little money on their electricity bill.  The British store is designating an hour a day as “quiet hour” where shoppers with autism can peruse their shelves without anxiety. People with autism can be sensitive to loud noises, and can have trouble cutting out background noise, causing severe stress. When store manager Simon Lea saw an autistic boy struggling to cope with in-store noise, she decided their store should do something about it. The result was the store’s plans for a quiet hour.

http://relm.ag/IlNPYHV

 

Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson is offering a ‘Radical Idea’ to Stop the Bathroom Bill Chaos. According to Charisma News, his suggestion, given in an email, is: “Men should use the men’s bathroom, and women should use the women’s bathroom.” In the email Robertson added “Just because a man may ‘feel’ like a woman doesn’t mean he should be able to share a bathroom with my daughter, or yours. That used to be called common sense. Now it’s called bigoted.”

http://www.charismanews.com/us/57081-phil-robertson-offers-radical-idea-to-stop-bathroom-bill-chaos

 

Ravi Zacharias has stood on stages around the world defending the faith. However he says he has never been as nervous as he was at an appearance last week. Ravi said: Margie and I surprised our grandson as “secret readers” for his class today. I’ve never been as nervous as this! http://twitter.com/RaviZacharias/status/730500094211067904/photo/1

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I arrived late today for work. So you’ll have to excuse me if I make up for it by leaving early.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 13, 2016…

 

Money Monster—George Clooney is a big-time television host on financial advice, his producer is Julia Roberts.  This is what happens when a disgruntled, lost-it-all guy takes over the station and Clooney as hostage, all on air, too. The cast includes Dominic West, Dennis Boursikaria, Caitriona Balfe and Jack O’Connell as the disgruntled man. “Money Monster” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

High Rise—This film was to have opened several weeks ago, and under a different title.  Tom Hiddleston (“I Saw The Light”) is a man who moves into a high rise apartment and decides he doesn’t like his neighbors so starts to do something about it. Also in the cast are Jeremy Irons, Sienna Miller, Luke Evans and Elizabeth Moss.  “High Rise” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Kidnap—Halle Berry stars in this suspense film as a mom who is trying to find her kidnapped son. The cast includes Dana Gourier and Christopher Berry. “Kidnap” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Snowden—Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Snowden in this film showing what the circumstances were around him as he was giving government secrets away. The movie was written and directed by Oliver Stone and based on the books “The Snowden Files: The Inside Story of The World’s Most Wanted Man”  by Luke Harding and “Time Of The Octopus” by Anatoly Kucherena. “Snowden” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

MAY 20, 2016…

 

Free State Of Jones —Based on a true incident, Matthew McConaughey plays a small farmer in Civil War times, who decides to secede from the Confederacy. With neighbors and former slaves, he tries to hold his ground.  This was in Jones County, Miss. Also in the cast are Keri Russell and Gugu Nbatha-Raw. “Free State Of Jones” is rated R. No rating.

 

Sorority 2: Neighbors Rising is a continuation of the bad neighbors film, starring Zac Efron, Rose Bryne and Seth Rogen.

 

Angry Birds (animated) follows the adventures of these birds with voices of Peter Dinklage and Jason Sudekis.

 

The Nice Guys has Russell Crowe as a laughable hit man with Ryan Gosling as his friend. Set in the 1970’s.

 

Maggie (opening in select cities) stars Greta Gerwig as Maggie who wants to have a baby and then gets involved with a married man. Also stars Travis Fimmel

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.