May 16, 2018: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is (THE JOCK SHOW). We may not be the biggest radio show, and we may not be the best. But we have more nifty slogans than the other guys — and surely that counts for something.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“The man who can look upon a crisis without being wiling to offer himself upon the altar of his country is not for public trust.” – Millard Fillmore

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities — his eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. — Romans 1:20

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. — Ecclesiastes 11:5

From infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. — 2 Timothy 3:15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. — Proverbs 4:27

Thought: When I see someone swerving in and out of their lanes of traffic, I immediately go into a defensive driving mode. Whether they are drunk, sleepy, or just plain careless, I know they are dangerous. God wants us to know the same is true of us when we allow ourselves to wander by and sample every form of temptation available. Let’s stick to the straight and narrow with our eyes firmly fixed on Jesus!

Prayer: Loving Father, please forgive me for being so easily distracted by sinful temptations. Please give me wisdom to see the things that the evil one has designed for me and avoid them and resist them. Please make Jesus, his costly sacrifice, and his holy life very real to me today, and every day, as I seek to be your holy child in the corrupt world in which I live. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Matthew 5:16 NIV = In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MAY 16, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
222 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

NATIONAL EFFECTIVENESS WEEK begins today.  ***That’s it? They just tell us it’s Effectiveness Week but nothing more specific?  Doesn’t seem all that effective, does it?

Today is SING “ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT” IN ROUNDS DAY. ***You might want to try it at the office to impress your boss. We’d try it here at the station, but no one, including myself, can carry a note in a bucket.

Today is the ANNIVERSARY OF A VOTE THAT TOOK PLACE IN WILLIAMSTOWN, MASSACHUSETTS. In 1996, the town voted 165-138 to end the 200-year-old tradition of opening the town’s annual meeting with a prayer. The ironic thing is that, even though they voted to ban the opening prayer, they took time before the vote to pray for guidance and wisdom regarding whether or not they should ban the prayer. That’s actually dumber than if they’d sung “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

TODAY IS ALSO…

Biographer’s Day
International Day of Light
Mimosa Day
National Employee Health & Fitness Day
National Juice Slush Day
National Piercing Day
National Sea Monkey Day
Honor Our LGBT Elders’ Day
Ramadan begins
Turn Beauty Inside Out Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, MAY 17
Syttende Mai
World Hypertension Day
World Telecommunications and Information Society Day
World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)

FRIDAY, MAY 18

Buy A Musical Instrument Day
Endangered Species Day
HIV Vaccine Awareness Day
I Love Reeses Day
International Virtual Assistants Day
Mother Whistler Day
NASCAR Day
National Bike to Work Day
National Defense Transportation Day
National Museum Day
National Pizza Party Day
O. Henry Pun-off Day
Visit Your Relatives Day

SATURDAY, MAY 19

Armed Forces Day
Boys Club Day
Do Dah Day
May Ray Day: 19
Morel Mushroom Day
National Asian & Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
National Learn To Swim Day
National Scooter Day
National Hepatitus Testing Day
Preakness

SUNDAY, MAY 20

World Autoimmune Arthritis Day
Bay to Breakers Race:
Eliza Doolittle Day
Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
National Rescue Dog Day
Neighbor Day
Ride A Unicycle Day
Soil Stewardship Day
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
Weights & Measures Day
WhitSunday
World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

MONDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day
End of the World or Rapture Party Day
I Need A Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

TUESDAY, MAY 22
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
Sherlock Holmes Day
US Colored Troops Day
Victoria Day
World Goth Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 23

Declaration of the Bab Day
Emergency Medical Services for Children Day
International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
National Taffy Day
World Crohn’s and Colitis Day
World Orienteering Day
World Turtle Day

ON THIS DAY

218: Speaking of being ineffective (see today’s Weird Holidays), Heliogabalus became Emperor of Rome. He was a terrible ruler. He appointed his hairstylist the Attorney General, and made his mother the Sun God! ***Fortunately, no one could pronounce his name to rebuke him.

1770: Fourteen-year-old Marie Antoinette married the future King Louis VI of France who was 15.

1831: David Hughes was born in London. David invented the microphone. ***If he hadn’t done that, this story would sound something like this: (yelling) “DAVID HUGHES WAS BORN IN LONDON ON THIS DAY IN 1831! DAVID DIDN’T INVENT DIDDLYSQUAT!”

1904: The automohorse was patented. The first autos tended to scare horses, so this ingenious invention was an automobile that looked like a horse.

1965: The Beach Boys sang their hit “Help Me, Rhonda” on “The Ed Sullivan Show.”

1985: Michael Jordan was named NBA Rookie of the Year. He had been drafted #3 by Chicago. In the 1984 draft, Houston took Akeem Olajuwon at #1, Portland drafted Sam Bowie #2. Dallas took Sam Perkins #4, Philadelphia got Charles Barkley at #5. Utah finally grabbed lowly Gonzaga’s John Stockton at #16.

1985: Columbia Records presented a $6.5-million check to USA For Africa, royalty earned in only two months by the single “We Are the World.” Singer Harry Belefonte was credited as the original pusher for artists to help raise money for the starving in Africa.

1988: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police can search your garbage without a warrant if they suspect criminal activity.

1989: The Vatican condemned pornography and violence in films, specifically mentioning King Fu movies. ***It took the Vatican until 1989 to condemn pornography? What was the debate THERE?!?

1991: Fourteen Stanford University students started leapfrogging. They stopped 10 days and 999.2 miles later with a Guinness world record. ***They were trying for a thousand miles, but had to quit when half of them were run over in the highway or eaten by alligators that looked like logs.

1992: Weird Al Yankovic’s “Smell Like Nirvana” peaked at #35 in the U.S.

1996: Residents of Williamstown, Massachusetts, voted 165-138 to end their 200-year tradition of opening the annual town meeting with a prayer. Before they voted, they prayed.

1999: Near Somerset, England, a rookie bull named President suffering from nervous exhaustion brought on by having to service 80 cows was treated with acupuncture to cure the stress. Dairy farmer Richard Clothier said using drugs would endanger his farm’s organic status. The acupuncture worked and helped President relax.

2000: The New York Democratic Party nominated First Lady Hillary Clinton for the U.S. Senate, making her the first First Lady to run for public office..

2005: Sony introduced three new styles of its PlayStation 3 video game machine.

2007: Twenty-two-year-old Evonne D. Maurice pleaded guilty in federal court to trying to rob a Rhode Island bank at a drive-up window while traveling in a hired limousine. She told the driver she needed to withdraw cash from a branch bank to pay for the ride. Then she handed the teller an envelope with a note demanding money. The teller triggered an alarm. Police said the driver was unaware of the robbery attempt. Maurice was sentenced to 37 months in prison for two other Connecticut bank robberies after police found her working at a Hooters in Florida.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

583: Brendan the Navigator, founder of a Celtic monastery in Clonfert, Ireland, dies. Some Irish scholars have asserted that Brendan was among the first Europeans to reach America, nine centuries before Columbus.

1569: Dirk Willem, Anabaptist, is burned at the stake, captured only because he turned to save a pursuer who had fallen through the ice that Willem was fleeing over. The very man he rescued took him captive.

1805: Henry Martyn, a well-educated Englishman, arrives in India to aid William Carey with translation work.

1835: A few men meet in David Nasmith’s little home to found the London City Mission. Nasmith had already founded the world’s first city mission in Glasgow nine years earlier.

1945: Death of G. Campbell Morgan, one of the great expositors of the Bible. He began to preach at thirteen, but his faith faltered in face of materialism. For years he neglected his Bible. Then a change occurred. “I bought a new Bible and began to read it with an open mind and a determined will. That Bible found me. The Book gave forth a glow which warmed my heart, and the Word of God which I read therein gave to my troubled soul the relief and satisfaction that I had sought for elsewhere. Since that time I have lived for one end–to preach the teachings of the Book that found me.”

1957: Harold Jackson and Joseph Brown sign an agreement to buy land for New Tribes Mission to create a boot camp in Australia to facilitate efforts to reach Papua New Guinea for Christ.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • daughter-actress (“Beverly Hills 90210”) Tori Spelling 45 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Growing Pains”) Tracey Gold, 49 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“Kids in the Hall,” Sky High, Pastor Dave on “That 70’s Show”) Kevin McDonald, 55 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Terms of Endearment, An Officer and a Gentleman) Debra Winger, 63

  • actor (“Remington Steele,” Dante’s Peak, The World is Not Enough, The November Man) Pierce Brosnan 65 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1913 : Woody Herman

1919 : Liberace

1929 : Betty Carter

1932 : Isaac “Red” Holt (Young-Holt Unlimited, The Ramsey Lewis Trio)

1935 : Corinthian “Kripp” Johnson (The Dell-Vikings)

1939 : Pervis Jackson (The Spinners)

1945 : Nicky Chinn

1946 : Roger Earl (Foghat, Savoy Brown)

1946 : Robert Fripp (King Crimson)

1946 : Billy Cobham

1947 : Darrel Sweet (Nazareth)

1947 : Barbara Lee (The Chiffons)

1949 : William Spooner (Grateful Dead)

1951 : Jonathan Richman (The Modern Lovers)

1953 : Richard Page (Mr. Mister)

1955 : Hazel O’Connor

1965 : Krist Novoselic (Nirvana)

1966 : Janet Jackson (Janet Damita Jo Jackson)

1968 : Ralph Tresvant (New Edition)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?
Nah. But when they were first introduced, people wouldn’t touch hot dogs for fear that they were made of dogs. So how did the hot dog get its strange name? Good question. The hot dog was originally called “frankfurter” after Frankfurt, Germany, its birthplace. But from the beginning people called it “dachshund sausage,” because it looked like the long, thin dog. In the US, the German sausage was especially popular with New York baseball fans, who bought the newfangled sandwich from vendors who sold them by yelling, “Get your dachshund sausages while they’re red hot.” Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist, thought these vendors were so comical, that he decided to lampoon them. In his cartoon, they were shown selling REAL dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling “Get your hot dogs!” at each other. The name stuck, and the rest is history.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A British study finds that years of constant work stress could take its toll on your heart. Early warning signs of heart disease and diabetes are more common among people who report chronic work stress. The researchers write that “employees with chronic work stress were more than twice as likely to have the syndrome than those without work stress.” ***This is exactly why I blow off all of my assignments and goof off at work… I do it for my health.

There’s a new rubber chicken museum at Archie McPhee’s in Seattle. ***I wonder if they’ll accept rubber checks to pay for admission?

NBC is going with all-Chicago Wednesdays this fall, with “Chicago Med” followed by “Chicago Fire” followed by “Chicago P.D.”  ***With additions next year of “Chicago Sanitation”, “Chicago Street Vendors”, and “Chicago Panhandlers”.

A study says 30% of New York City Millennials are living at home with their parents.  ***With the cost of living in New York City, who can blame them?

A new law in Kansas says police officers can’t have sex with people they pull over for traffic violations.  ***Even more disturbing – this apparently happens often enough they felt the need to create a law against it.

A new poll says America’s favorite Mexican restaurant is Taco Bell.  ***Meanwhile, in Mexico, the favorite American restaurant is… Taco Bell.

A Minnesota woman was arrested after a foul smell led authorities to find 60 dead cats in her house.  ***And you thought the cat lady in YOUR neighborhood was crazy!  (60 dead cats – that’s like, 540 lives!)

A Pablo Picasso painting expected to fetch $70 million at an auction this week was “accidentally” damaged on Friday, according to a statement from auction house Christie’s.  ***It’s a Picasso though – his paintings were so abstract nobody will likely notice.

Missouri Gov. Eric Greitens makes history this week as the first sitting governor in the state to go on trial for a felony. He’s fighting blackmail charges. ***If convicted he does have a political future as Governor Illinois.

First lady Melania Trump underwent kidney surgery Monday at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center meaning a week away from the White House.  ***On the positive side – a week away from the White House!

FOX is renewing the TV series “Lethal Weapon” but with a new Riggs. Seann William Scott, who you knew as Stifler in “American Pie,” will take over the role for Clayne Crawford, who was fired last week following instances of alleged “emotional abuse” of cast and crew members.  ***To reword that, the guy playing Martin Riggs got fired for being a bit too much like Martin Riggs.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Chemicals used to make non-stick coatings on cookware and to waterproof fabrics may raise levels of cholesterol in children, according to U.S. researchers. Children in a study with the highest levels of these compounds in their blood had measurably higher levels of total cholesterol and LDL — the so-called “bad” cholesterol — compared with children with lower readings. ***Here’s an idea… how about we teach kids not to eat clothes and frying pans?

According to a recent Rasmussen poll, 37% of Americans believe that zombies would do a better job than Congress. ***Have you seen who we have in Congress? I’m not sure there’s much of a difference.

Facebook admitted recently what many teens already know: it’s not as cool to be on Facebook anymore. But while some stories would have you believe teens are dumping Facebook in droves, it’s not true. The company says while there is a decrease in “daily users among younger teens,” just about every teen in the U.S. is still using the social media service. ***Wait a minute… you mean, teens get bored with stuff easily? Really? Who’d a thunk it?

Emergency room visits for school-age athletes with concussions has skyrocketed in recent years, suggesting the intensity of kids’ sports has increased along with awareness of head injuries. ***So beginning immediately, all chess club members must wear helmets.

Half of Americans drink a soda or sugary beverage each day – and some are downing a lot. One in 20 people drinks the equivalent of more than four cans of soda each day, even though health officials say sweetened beverages should be limited to less than half a can. Sweetened drinks have been linked to the U.S. explosion in obesity and related medical problems, and health officials have been urging people to cut back for years. Some officials have proposed an extra soda tax and many schools have stopped selling soda or artificial juices. ***Stopped selling soda? Well then, what are people using to wash down their morning cookie breakfast?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep jungle soap opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: So Racquet the Skunk makes his own badminton racquets – who knew? But will a new racquet really help Gruffy Bear with his badminton game, or is this just a way for Racquet to get a cool new hammer for practically nothing? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What exactly constitutes an “emergency” in your home?

A British family was not too clear on the concept of a “real emergency”. The family in Wolverhampton, England called the 9-9-9 emergency number (the equivalent to the American 9-1-1 number) in desperate need of help. But when paramedics arrived the family’s so-called emergency was that their television had broken! A spokesperson for the ambulance company rationalized that the distraught family didn’t realize the service (the 9-9-9 number) is usually reserved for fire, police or medical emergencies.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS MAY IS AN EXCITING MONTH

10. Coming Soon to a Nose Near You: Allergies!

9. Three words – Correctional Officers Week

8. Time saved writing May on checks makes up for February.

7. Playing in traffic: fun… Playing in Indy 500 traffic: exhilarating!

6. Because it is nearly done snowing in North Dakota!!!!

5. Why, what greater thrill is there than prancing around a maypole!

4. May flowers instead of April showers!

3. The School year is almost over!

2. It’s the shortest written month of the year….at least the lazy people are excited.

1. The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Four Detroit carjackers thought they had found an easy mark when they spotted a woman stopped in her car.

FILE #1: They were wrong.  The men commandeered the vehicle, but they didn’t get far It turns out that the woman had a flat tire and was waiting for a tow truck. They jumped out of that car and took off in another vehicle, leading police on a chase. However, our friends soon crashed into a fence and hit part of a brick house and were arrested.

FILE #2: A New Jersey teenager’s prank almost got her parent’s in trouble. While traveling through Pennsylvania, the 15-year-old girl thought it would be funny to hold up a sign in the window for passing motorists to see that read: “HELP WE’RE BEING KIDNAPPED!” A driver saw the sign and reported it to police, who stopped the car and issued the citation before letting the family continue with the trip.

FILE #3: An Italian teenager on trial for robbery should’ve stopped before he got himself into more trouble! The young man, on trial for allegedly robbing a Madrid taxi driver said he has a solid alibi: On the night in question he said he was in another town picking pockets. Prosecutors say he could now spend 10 years in jail for the crimes.

STRANGE LAW: In Pocatello, Idaho, “It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city’s reputation.”

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A would-be robber goes to rob a drug store… but calls on the way to say he’s coming to rob it!

A 21-year-old man was arrested after calling a drug store to say he was on the way to rob it. Police said Joshua Amell was arrested in the parking lot of an Osco Drug store. The store called police to report a robbery, and officers who arrived were told the pharmacist was on the phone with a man he believed was responsible for robbing the store. He said the man told him he had a gun and was on his way to the pharmacy to get more of the drug he’d stolen before. Amell was arrested when he pulled into the parking lot.

PHONER PHUN

Ladies, what mistakes do guys make on that first date that guarantee you’ll never see him again? Expecting to go dutch? Not opening doors for you? Trying to get a kiss on the first date? Maybe showing up in t-shirt and dirty jeans? What’s a sure fire thing guys can do on a date that makes it a LAST date?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who saved her unwise husband from the wrath of David, and later married David after the death of that husband?
ANSWER: Abigail (1 Samuel 25)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was Snow White’s sister’s name?

ANSWER: Rose Red

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. You would have found the famed “Murderer’s Row” at Fenway Park. (False, Yankees Stadium)

2. Farsi is the official language of Iraq. (False, Iran)

3. Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Mao Tse-Tung and modern military leaders used Sun Tzu’s war manual. (True)

4. G.I. Joe first appeared in a TV show. (False, a comic strip)

5. Stirlings, halifaxes and lancasters were all names of WWII bombers. (True)

6. The King of England wore motley on his body and a coxcomb on his head. (False, The Court Jester)

7. Camp Kommandant Col. Wilhelm Klink played the trumpet on TV’s “Hogan’s heroes.” (False, Violin)

8. The Fox show in which two FBI agents investigate paranormal phenomena was known as “The X-Room”. (False, “The X-Files”)

9. Kojak’s first name was Rick. (False, Theo)

10. When he was only 10 years old, Jim Carey sent his resume to Carol Burnett! (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ENTIRE TOWN LOSES _________ (MEMORY)

Deep in the heart of the Midwest, residents of one picturesque town in Missouri feel as though they all have forgotten something: their entire lives.

BLOOMSDALE, Mo. — To most Americans, last Tuesday is fresh in their minds. They may have gone to a salon, seen a movie, had a typical day at work. But in Bloomsdale, no one remembers Tuesday. In fact, not one resident remembers anything about his or her whole life.

State authorities first suspected a hoax when they came across a town of confused and wandering individuals, not sure of where they lived or what they did for a living. Families seem to have no recollection of their relationships. Not even local police can be reached, because simply, nobody remembers which residents were officers.

Now, the state of Missouri has concluded that an entire town could never orchestrate a lie so complex, with such commitment from elderly, middle-aged and younger citizens. By now, authorities say, someone would have come forward with the truth or would have broken down from intensive police questioning. So, the only alternative, according to experts, is that these people are telling the truth, and something has robbed hundreds of their memories and their lives.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.”
The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

JOKE #2

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!”

JOKE #3

A visitor to Texas once asked, “Does it ever rain out here?”

A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does.”

“When?” asked the visitor.

“Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”

The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”

“Well,” the rancher puffed up, “we got about half an inch that time.”

USELESS FACTS

Royal Caribbean has ordered a ship that fits 6400 passengers.  ***Some see inherent dangers in a cruise liner that big.  For one, Karaoke night will last that much longer.

Navel oranges got their name because the bottom of this type of orange resembles a belly button or navel. ***And if you poked at the navel, it made you need to pee.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOLFING PASTORS

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, four pastors went out for some time on the golf course.  After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

“You guys wouldn’t be preachers by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one pastor replied. “Why?”

“Because,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf played with such clean language!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A FIELD TRIP TO REMEMBER

Remember when you used to go on field trips in school? We never had an opportunity to really do any good on those field trips… just observe whatever it was that we were going to see. Not so for Jessica Webster! This High School senior learned a lot more than she expected during a recent field trip. Her Hallock, Minnesota, business-law class made a trip to the courthouse to learn about the legal system. They were there to see a trial — but Jessica ended up in the middle of one. It seems the jury pool was short a person and Jessica was drafted. She met the minimum requirement of being 18 and a county resident. Jessica was selected to sit on a six-person jury. The judge says she should get an “A” for doing her civic duty.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ABC’s OF A FRUITFUL LIFE
A lways put God first in your life.
B e a true friend and you will have many friends.
C ount and thank God for your many blessings daily.
D iscipline yourself. Decide to make your life count.
E dify and encourage others consistently.
F ollow great leaders and then become one.
G ive liberally and joyfully of your time, talents and means.
H ave an attitude of gratitude.
I nvert any negatives thrown your way. Turn them into positives.
J ourney through life one step and one day at a time.
K eep written goals set ahead. Make specific plans to accomplish them.
L ove and forgive everybody.
M aximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.
N ever, never, never give up!
O pen the door wide when opportunity knocks.
P ractice patience. Promote peace.
Q uit bad habits by replacing them with good habits.
R ead God’s Word and other profitable material every chance you get.
S hare the Gospel whenever and wherever possible.
T ake time to appreciate everything and everyone God has given to you.
U se your God given common sense.
V isualize your dreams and stretch to reach for them.
W atch, listen and pray without ceasing.
X amine your motives on a regular basis.
Y ield to the Holy Spirit when He prompts you.
Z oom in on God’s real purpose for your life.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WALKING TALL

READ: Leviticus 26:3,12-16

I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright. —Leviticus 26:13

During my basic training in the Army, our drill sergeant worked hard week after week to transform us from a group of slouching civilians into a company of men who stood straight and walked tall. It was not an easy job. When he finally said, “You’re looking good!” we felt proud of who we were and how we had changed.

That experience came to mind when I read Leviticus 26:13, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that you should not be their slaves; I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright.” After 400 years of slavery and hard labor, the people of Israel were burdened and discouraged. But under Moses, God led them out of bondage and put them on the road to a new life of freedom through obedience to Him.

It’s a vivid reminder of what God has done for us through Jesus Christ. Paul wrote: “Stand fast . . . in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage” (Galatians 5:1).

We don’t need to be bowed down with our sin. As we embrace the freedom of righteousness through faith in Jesus Christ, we can hold our heads high and keep walking tall. —David C. McCasland

May I stand firm, O God of truth,
For all that pleases Thee;
Undaunted by the critic’s frown,
Let nothing hinder me.  —Bosch

LEFTOVERS

ONE IF BY LAND…

The famous Old North Church, Boston’s 285-year-old beacon of the American Revolution, has just gone high-tech with the installation of LED lights! The energy-efficient lights now illuminate ceiling vaults inside the church, whose steeple was used by Paul Revere to display two lanterns as a signal about British troop movements on April 18, 1775- the night described in Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s famous poem, which included the line: “One if by land, and two if by sea.” Up until now, Old North has been dimly lit by old incandescent bulbs, which frequently burned out. The LEDs, on the other hand, are projected to last at least 25 times as longer and don’t give off as much heat as the older lights, which caused ceiling paint to peel prematurely. (AHN News) ***MARLAR: So now if we’re attacked by the British it’ll be one LED if by land, two LEDs if by sea.

LIFE… LIVE IT

INTEREST ON A WIDOWS MITE

It is estimated that if the widow’s mite had been deposited at the “First National Bank, Jerusalem” to draw four percent interest semi-annually, the fund today would total $4,800,000,000,000,000,000,000 (okay mathematicians–go figure!) If a bank on earth could multiply the widow’s mite to such an astronomical figure, think what treasures this dedicated woman will have in heaven where “moth and rust doth not corrupt!”

JUST FOR FUN

HAIR TODAY

If you’re going to be a barber – you’d better not mind having a lot of hair around you. That makes sense, right? But Bill Black takes his love of hair to a new – and eerie – extreme. A few years ago, Black attempted to make the world’s largest hair ball. Which is just a little odd. Then later, Bill sold fertilizer made from human hair. A very strange idea. Now comes an even scarier idea. A cookbook full of hair-based recipes. Yes, a cookbook with recipes that include hair!  ***MARLAR: And we won’t even discuss what’s in the angel hair pasta.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU DON’T BELONG IN THE KITCHEN

  • Extra nacho cheese dip can be used to caulk the cracks in your foundation.

  • While making sure the spaghetti is done, you throw a piece against the wall, and the wall ducks.

  • Leftover milk doubles as cottage cheese.

  • The fish in the refrigerator is so old it actually begins to smell good!

  • The EPA won’t set foot in your home because they’re too nervous.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

It’s okay to tell your kids it’s okay to fail… okay?

Telling your kids that it’s okay to fail will actually make them fail less. Sounds reasonable, right? There’s new research to back it up. Here’s what researchers told one group of sixth graders: “Learning is difficult and failure is common, but practice will help, just like learning how to ride a bicycle.” Other groups got no such pep talk. Guess which group performed better on memory and reading comprehension tests? Yep, the kids that got the bicycle talk.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

You’re at a party with new people you’ve never met. Want to know if any of them are rich? Here’s a little trick to tell. More than designer clothing or other outward signs of wealth, people’s body language reveals more about the state of their checking account than anything else. Those of higher socioeconomic status are more rude when conversing with others, reports LiveScience.com of a study from the University of California, Berkeley. Students whose parents had a higher socioeconomic status were more impolite than students from the other end of the socioeconomic scale. The rich kids doodled, fidgeted and even groomed themselves during the interview, giving distinct and hard-to-miss nonverbal cues of “I’m not interested.” Meanwhile, the poor kids did just the opposite, showing more “I’m interested” nonverbal behavior, including nodding their heads, laughing and raising their eyebrows. They almost never fidgeted.

Have you ever felt incredibly sexy and confident, only to take a photo of yourself and think that confidence to be woefully misplaced? You’re not alone, but your photo is also not an accurate indication of how you actually look. YourTango.com explains why we hate photos of ourselves, according to science. Why do you hate the way you look in photos? The problem is that most of us are used to seeing ourselves in mirrors, and unfortunately, the mirror lies. When we look at ourselves in a mirror, we might think we’re seeing how we really look, but we’re actually seeing an inverse image. Most people’s faces aren’t absolutely symmetrical, but that’s OK; we get used to seeing how their left eye is slightly larger than their right, or how their smile seems to turn downward. After years of looking in the mirror (pre-teens spend half of their lives doing this), we get used to the face staring back at us. And this is where mere-exposure comes in. Mere-exposure (developed by a psychologist named Robert Zajonc) shows that people react better to things they see more often. We like what we’re used to seeing, so it makes sense that we prefer the image of ourselves that we see all the time, in the mirror.  ***Of course, you COULD just take photos of yourself and invert them before posting them online – but then the rest of the world would be seeing you in a way they are NOT used to, and they won’t like the photo.  It’s a Catch-22.

It has long been known that when you skimp on sleep, you’re far more likely to overeat, make poor food choices and gain weight. But why? Researchers from the University of Chicago Medical Center have figured it. The short answer: Too little sleep gives you the munchies. The long answer: Sleep loss amplifies and extends blood levels of a chemical signal that enhances the joy of eating, particularly the guilty pleasures gained from sweet or salty, high-fat snack foods. Fourteen sleep-deprived participants in this study, all of whom were young, healthy volunteers, were unable to resist cookies, candy and chips — even though they had consumed a meal that supplied 90 percent of their daily caloric needs two hours before. The effects of sleep loss on appetite were most powerful in the late afternoon and early evening, times when snacking has been linked to weight gain. During that period, sleep-restricted study subjects reported higher scores for hunger and a stronger desire to eat. When given access to snacks, they ate nearly twice as much fat as when they had slept for eight hours. The takeaway: When you get less than five hours of sleep, it will likely result in binge-eating the next day to the tune of an extra 300 calories.

A war on waste food in France, where supermarkets are banned from throwing away unsold food and restaurants must provide doggy bags when asked, has helped it secure the top spot in a ranking of countries by their food sustainability. Japan, Germany, Spain and Sweden rounded out the top five in an index published the Economist Intelligence Unit (EIU), which graded 34 nations based on food waste, environment-friendly agriculture and quality nutrition. One third of all food produced worldwide, 1.3 billion tons per year, is wasted, according to the U.N.’s Food and Agriculture Organization.
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-global-food-sustainability/frances-war-on-waste-makes-it-most-food-sustainable-country-idUSKBN1DZ2IG

You may not know it but the most common surgery in the U.S. is now cataract removal. No kidding. But it may have even more benefits than you’d think. A massive new study published in JAMA Ophthalmology finds the operation could be prolonging the lives of the more than 3 million Americans who get it every year. Cataracts are clouding and discoloration of the lens of the eye. They cause fuzzy vision, trouble seeing at night, and more. About half of all Americans develop cataracts by the time they’re 80 years old. The 20-year study looked at more than 74,000 women over the age of 65 who had cataracts and found the ones who got their cataracts removed were 60% less likely to die during the study period. There were an average of 1.5 deaths per 100 women who got the surgery per year; the average was 2.6 deaths for women who didn’t get the surgery. Women who got cataract surgery during the study lived longer on average despite tending to be sicker overall than women in the non-surgery group. The general thinking is that improved vision allows women to be more active, avoid accidents and injuries, and correctly take their medication. (New York Times)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

When a team of servers at Ruby Tuesday found out that a lonely woman was eating by herself on Mother’s Day, they all pitched in to ensure that the neglected mom would feel special instead.  Barbara Foy had been feeling pretty down in the dumps when the Hallmark holiday rolled around on Sunday because she had not received a call from her son, who she says hasn’t called her in some time.  She then decided to go out to eat at the Ruby Tuesday restaurant at Surfside Beach, South Carolina.  When the servers saw her eating by herself, they were then heartbroken to hear that it’s because she was feeling lonely on Mother’s Day.  General Manager Lauren Nave said that she and the other servers felt spurred to help.  “I think we were all almost in tears by the end of the story,” Nave told WMBF. “We wanted to make sure that she knew how special she was on Mother’s Day.”  So as a means of cheering her up, the servers quickly put together an elegant little gift basket of goodies. Not only that, but Foy’s meal was paid for and a random customer gave her a rose.  “I really felt like I was queen for a day…mother for a day!” said Foy. “I’ve never been made to feel so special.” (Good News Network)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In Prince William County, Virginia, two elementary school-aged girls, ages 10 and 11, have been charged as juveniles in connection with death threats made against another little girl! Police said the two girls communicated by text to conspire to kill the victim, who is 11-years-old. The two suspects used cryptic language and encouraged each other to delete the text messages after the threats were read. On April 25, police responded to the girls’ school after a concerned parent alerted school staff. In a statement, police said after extensive consultation with the Commonwealth Attorney, the girls were charged with conspiracy to commit a felony. Fortunately the threats were not carried out and no one was harmed. Details of the alleged threats have not been disclosed nor was the name of the school the girls attended. (WTOP News)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I arrived late today for work. So you’ll have to excuse me if I make up for it by leaving early.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 11, 2018…

Life Of The Party—Melissa McCarthy is the star of this film which is about a woman who doesn’t know what to do when her husband leaves her. Her daughter is in college, so why not join her and earn a degree, too? Though it seems like a good plan, it doesn’t always work out with class schedules, daughter’s friends and just becoming adjusted to something new.  Also, in the cast are Maya Rudolph, Molly Gordon and Gillian Jacobs. “Life Of The Party” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Breaking In—This is a thriller that involves trying to break into a top-secure building to rescue hostages, especially if they are family.  Gabrielle Union stars as the women determined to do the impossible. Also, in the cast are Billy Burke and Richard Cabral. “Breaking In” is rated R. No rating.

Terminal-–A story that weaves around several characters including a crook planning a robbery, a woman with various personas and revenge. The cast includes Max Irons, Margot Robbie (“I, Tonya,”) Dexter Fletcher, and Simon Pegg. Directed by Vaughn Stein.  “Terminal” is rated R. No rating.

Assassins Code—Another crime film and this one is about a detective who is trying to solve a murder, and suddenly there is someone to help him—a ghost. Stars Justin Chatwin and Peter Stormare. “Assassins Code” is rated R. No rating.

Tully (opening in select cities) —This film concerns a middle-age woman (Charlize Theron) who has just too many things to do in a day.  Sound familiar? Enter a young woman (Mackenzie Davis) who works nights and then the two women talk and begin to understand each other. “Tully” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The Seagull (opening in select cities) —Annette Bening again takes on an historical role, this time it is Irina Arkadina from Anton Chekhov’s play, “The Seagull.” The story centers on a mature actress (Bening) who is vacationing by a lake with her young boyfriend (Corey Stoll.) Here comes a younger actress (Saoirse Ronan) who is the girlfriend of Bening’s son (Billy Howle.) The son has written a play. Things start getting interesting and involve jealousy. Brian Dennehy is also in the cast. “The Seagull” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans. 

MAY 18, 2018…

Untitled Deadpool Sequel has no title, as such, and again stars Ryan Reynolds. Need I say more?

Show Dogs is a film about a police dog going undercover. You read that right. Stars Will Arnett.

Pope Francis–A Man Of His Word is a documentary on the Pope.

Book Club is about women who find interesting books and friends with similar interests. Stars Diane Keaton and Jane Fonda.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.