May 18, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160518

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And for all of you on your way to work wondering how you’re ever going to cope with another workday, just remember it could be worse. Your boss could be a twin.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” –Colossians 4:5-6 New International Version

 

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. — Proverbs 31:30

 

Pray for us that the message of the Lord may spread rapidly and be honored, just as it was with you. — 2 Thessalonians 3:1

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. — Ephesians 4:30-31

 

Thought: Don’t make God’s Spirit grieve! But how do we do we cause the Spirit of God to grieve? By harboring bitterness, unleashing anger-driven rage, fighting with others and slandering their name while plotting to harm them. Not only are these behaviors in direct opposition to the will and character of God, they are are also the exact opposite of the qualities the Spirit is seeking to produce in our lives — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control faithfulness (Galatians 5:22-23). No wonder such evil behaviors grieve the Holy Spirit.

 

Prayer: Almighty Father, please conform me to be more like Jesus by the power of your Holy Spirit as I commit to display Jesus’ character and compassion in my life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV = give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MAY 18, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 220 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is INTERNATIONAL MUSEUM DAY. It’s also VISIT YOUR RELATIVES DAY. ***MARLAR: So you can kill two birds with one stone by going to a museum and visiting your mummy.

 

Whenever I go back home to visit relatives, I begin working on my exits a bit early in order to be prepared…

  • I can’t stay, I have secret government work to finish.  I could tell you about it, but then I’d have to kill you.
  • Time for us to leave – if I miss “24” I’m completely lost the rest of the season.
  • What was in that gravy?  I forgot to mention that I’ve developed an allergy to milk and flour and whatever else was in that gravy.  Gotta run to the hospital!
  • Gotta go – the cat has to be let out of the house every two hours, and she’s still back in Illinois.  It’s a hassle, but what can you do?
  • Oh look, I’ve spilled diet A&W on my brand new shirt.  I really should take this home and put Oxi-Clean on it immediately.
  • Honey, did we leave the oven on back in Illinois?  I thought so.
  • Well, we’re going to call it a night.  We don’t want to overdo it; after all, we’re likely going to see you again on Christmas, anyway.

 

 

INTERNATIONAL MUSEUM DAY: UNUSUAL MUSEUMS WORTH CHECKING OUT THIS SUMMER…

  • The Lucy-Desi Museum (Jamestown, NY)
  • Museum of Bad Art (Boston, MA)
  • Kenneth W. Berger Hearing Aid Museum (Kent State University, OH)
  • National Museum of Roller Skating (Lincoln, NE)
  • Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum  (Farmington Hills, MI)
  • Dr. Samuel D. Harris National Museum of Dentistry (Baltimore, MD)
  • Mount Horeb Mustard Museum (Wisconsin)
  • Jell-O Museum (LeRoy, NY)
  • International Clown Hall of Fame and Research Center (Milwaukee, WI)
  • Triangle Tattoo and Museum (Fort Bragg, CA)
  • Museum of Dirt (Boston, MA)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Buy a Musical Instrument Day

EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day

HIV Vaccine Awareness Day

I Love Reeses Day

International Museum Day

Mother Whistler Day

National Employee Health & Fitness Day

National Museum Day

Turn Beauty Inside Out Day

Visit Your Relatives Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, MAY 19

Boys Club Day

Hummus Day

May Ray Day

National Scooter Day

National Hepatitis Testing Day

World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 20

Eliza Doolittle Day

Everybody Draw Mohammed Day

Endangered Species Day

International Virtual Assistants Day

O Henry Pun-of Day

NASCAR Day

National Bike To Work Day

National Defense Transportation Day

National Pizza Party Day

Weights & Measures Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day

Armed Forces Day

Day of Vesak

Do Dah Day

End of the World (Rapture Party Day)

I Need a Patch For That Day

National Learn to Swim Day

National Heritage Breeds Day

National Wait Staff Day

Preakness

Sister Maria Hummel Day

World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

Victoria Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 22

Canadian Immigrants Day

Harvey Milk Day

Neighbor Day

International Day for Biological Diversity

National Maritime Day

U.S. Colored Troops Day

World Goth Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula

Declaration of the Bab Day

National Taffy Day

World Crohn’s and Colitis Day

World Turtle Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 24

Brothers Day

International Tiara Day

Morse Code Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday

National Missing Children’s Day

National Tap Dance Day

National Senior Health & Fitness Day

Nerd Pride Day

Geek Pride Day

Towel Day

World MS Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1631: Massachusetts passed a state law decreeing that only church members could become citizens.

 

1804: Napoleon became emperor of France. At the coronation, Napoleon insisted on placing the crown on his own head. ***MARLAR: Which is not an easy task if you have one hand in your jacket at all times and can’t see if it’s straight because you’re too short to see the mirror.

 

1830: In Gloucestershire, England, Edwin Budding began manufacturing the world’s first lawn mowers. ***MARLAR: Saturdays no longer belong to us men… and it’s all this guy’s fault.

 

1936: Jasmine Bligh and Elizabeth Cowell became the British Broadcasting Corporation’s first women announcers.

 

1953: The first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound, Jacqueline Cochran, piloted an F-86 Sabrejet over California at an average speed of 652.3 miles-an-hour.

 

1955: England’s fast-food invasion began with the opening in London of the first Wimpy Bar.

 

1959: Johnny Hortons “The Battle of New Orleans” hit #1 on Billboards country chart and stayed there for 10 weeks. It would top the pop chart for six weeks.

 

1967: Singer Barbara Mandrell married Ken Dudney.

 

1971: The Utah Stars won the American Basketball Association championship 4 games to 3 over the Kentucky Colonels. The ball was red, white, and blue.

 

1974: “The Streak” by Ray Stevens became Americas top single, capitalizing on the streaking fad that year on college campuses.

 

1978: The movie “Buddy Holly Story” starring Gary Busey premiered in Dallas.

 

1980: In Washington State Mount St. Helens blew her top. ***MARLAR: Which is what happens when, instead of letting off steam, you keep things all bottled up inside.  Of course, your other option is to blow up constantly – which seems to be working so well for my mother in law.

 

1984: Bobby Ewing was killed in the season-ending cliff-hanger on “Dallas.” The following season we found it was all a dream. (audio clip)

 

1992: The National Archivist quietly certified the 27th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution prohibiting Congress from voting itself instant pay raises. The measure was written by James Madison in 1789, but the ratification process took over two centuries.

 

1997: In a Canberra ceremony, Australia posthumously awarded the Purple Cross to Murphy, the bravest donkey in Australian history. Some 82 years earlier, Murphy had carried wounded Australian soldiers to safety in the World War One battle at Gallipoli. An Army mascot donkey named Simpson accepted the award in Murphy’s behalf.

 

2002: A 17-year-old drove a stolen car to a Savannah, Georgia, police station to visit his girlfriend. Police spotted the car in the parking lot and arrested the teenager. “Car thieves are never very smart,” said one officer, “but this guy may have set a new record.”

 

2004: At age 40, Randy Johnson became the oldest pitcher in major league history to throw a perfect game, retiring all 27 batters to lead the Arizona Diamondbacks over the Atlanta Braves 2-0.

 

2004: The “Hee Haw Collection” was released, featuring full shows on DVD and VHS. (audio clip)

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1291: The last Christian territory taken by the Crusaders, Acre, falls to the Sultan of Egypt.

 

1834: Sheldon Jackson, Presbyterian missionary to the frontier West and Alaska, is born in Minaville, New York. Jackson’s reputation for ministering to the spiritual, physical, and social needs of both natives and settlers earned him the nicknames “Bishop of All Beyond” and “Apostle to Alaska”.

 

1920: Karol Wojtyla (who would take the name John Paul II when elected pope) is born in Wadowice, Poland.

 

1926: Church of the Foursquare Gospel founder Sister Aimee Semple McPherson disappears from a California beach. Her mother announced that Aimee must have drowned, telling the Angelus Temple congregation, “Sister is gone.” However, three days after an elaborate memorial service on June 20, Sister reappeared in Arizona, saying she had been kidnapped. (Rumors circulated that she had eloped for a romantic tryst.) Her support base remained strong, but media coverage turned negative, and her image never fully recovered.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress/writer (“SNL,” Mean Girls) Tina Fey, 46 (audio clip)
  • Actor (Anna and the King) Chow Yun-Fat, 61
  • Actor (“The Many Lives of Dobie Gillis”) Dwayne Hickman, 82 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Big Joe Turner

1912 : Perry Como

1922 : Kai Winding

1942 : Albert Hammond

1949 : Rick Wakeman (Yes)

1949 : Bill Wallace (The Guess Who)

1950 : Mark Mothersbaugh (Devo)

1952 : George Strait

1957 : Michael Cretu (Enigma)

1969 : Martika

1975 : Jack Johnson

1982 : Eric West

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is taking a nap “catching 40 winks?”

This business of napping by the numbers always seemed pretty curious. Why 40 rather than 9, 11, 17 or 30? There is a long tradition, starting with the Bible, of using 40 to stand for significant quantities. For example, when Noah took his boat ride, it rained 40 days and 40 nights. Moses had spent the same amount of time up on the mountain. In the Middle Ages an Englishman sure of something would bet 40 pence on it. And so on. But the phrase 40 winks has a specific rather than general origin. It comes from an 1872 issue of Punch, the British humor magazine. Punch referred to the Thirty-nine Articles of faith of the Church of England, joking that actually reading through them would induce 40 winks. Call it a yawning gap between conscience and consciousness.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

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(NONE TODAY)

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A policy by Florida educators sets student goals in math and reading based on their race.  By 2018, Florida’s Department of Education wants 90 percent of its Asian students to be reading at or above grade level, compared to 88 percent of white students, 81 percent of Hispanic pupils and 74 percent of African-American children.  ***MARLAR: Translation – Florida educators are racist.

 

A Minnesota man stopped recently for speeding had 113 pounds of marijuana in the trunk of his vehicle.  ***I don’t think the “I’m holding it for a friend” excuse is going to fly on this one.

 

According to a study, Brazilian women care more about their appearance than any other women in the world.  ***Well… unless you include teenagers.

 

Authorities say a Pittsburgh woman jailed in four recent store robberies told police she needed money for dog food and kitty litter.  ***Someone needs to teach this woman how to eat bologna sandwiches and use toilet paper.

 

A Clarksville, Tennessee, man was arrested after he urinated in Walmart while trying to put a package of trout in his trousers.  ***No thanks, you can keep the trout.

 

A 23-year-old woman was transported from the beach to a hospital in Boca Raton, Florida this week with a two-foot-long nurse shark clamped onto her arm. Witnesses say the woman might have been to blame for the attack since she was allegedly seen antagonizing the shark moments before.  ***Hospital staff has affectionally named the nurse shark, Karma.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

People with ears that stick out may feel self-conscious about how others perceive them. But according to a study (Cantonal Hospital, Switzerland), while strangers do notice the ears they don’t make negative personality judgments based on them.  ***MARLAR: So don’t bother making that live-action version of Dumbo, Tim Burton – it’s pointless now.

 

A high-pitched tone developed in Europe to drive teenagers out of public places is now being used by teenagers as a ringtone.  ***MARLAR: Proving that there is no sound so annoying that teenagers won’t think it is music.

 

A recent study finds that dealing with stressful relationships can actually lead to an early death. Researchers at the University of Copenhagen examined nearly 10,000 adults and found that those who had constant conflicts with their families, friends or partners doubled the risk of dying and those who feuded with neighbors triple the risk. However the study authors emphasize that they aren’t advocating for social isolation. They say that is bad for us as well. They say the study does indicate the importance of focusing the positive, rather than the negative, in relationships.  ***Which is why I am POSITIVE that I need to stay away from my mother-in-law.

 

Sorry Russia — you’ve been named the country with the world’s worst tourists! The survey was done by the web site “Real Holiday Reports” and completed by more than 1,000 of our British friends who vacationed abroad this summer in Spain, France, Cyprus, Malta, Italy, Turkey, Greece and Portugal. A whopping one third gave the pesky Russians– now dubbed “the new Germans”–the thumbs down. Germany had held the title for several years. According to the poll Russians are notorious for hogging those precious sun-loungers around the pool, eat “almost everything” at all-inclusive vacation spots, belch in public, and dress like obnoxious teenagers. ***MARLAR: Sounds like the perfect vacation to me!

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Phillips Screwdriver”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Umbilical Cord”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, all of the jungle animals, thanks to Millard the Monkey, had discovered a new and dangerous hobby called “clunking” – which really is just dropping a coconut on your head.  Over and over again.  Sully the Aardvark, however, thought clunking was a dumb thing to do.  He didn’t want anything to do with it… but he may not have a choice now that his nephew is in town!

 

CLOSE: What is Sully going to do?  Tune in again next time, As FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and  (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 21/22

 

OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Cheetah Bonita’s new song – which was nothing but a solo – had everyone in the jungle deciding not to cooperate with each other – and the only peaceful place, the land of milk and honey which is occupied by the squirrels is off-limits to Cheetah Bonita because she was the reason the jungle was so noisy everywhere else.  Sad, she walked into the jungle – and met up with Racquet the Skunk.

 

CLOSE: What will Cheetah Bonita and Racquet the Skunk find in the swamp?  Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A woman defends her home against… an alligator!

The alligator was only 3 feet long, but Candy Frey wasn’t taking any chances. When the reptile came into her home east of Bradenton, Florida, and attacked her golden retriever, Frey went and got her gun. After Frey and her daughter managed to push the gator out through the dog door, she blasted away at it four times. A neighbor called deputies and the state sent a wildlife officer to investigate. The alligator barely bled from gunshots to the neck and shoulder, Frey said, and wildlife officer put it back in the lake. The deputy gave Frey a warning citation for hunting without a license.  ***MARLAR: HUNTING?!?!  A dangerous animal comes into your home, attacks your dog, and if you retaliate by brandishing a weapon it’s considered HUNTING?!?!  If you accidentally drive your car off a pier into the lake and hit a couple of fish, do you get a ticket for FISHING without a license?  And don’t even think about swatting a fly… you’re talking murder charges.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT YOUR EXTERMINATOR TO SAY

10) “EEEEEKKK!!!!!!”
9) “Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin…”
8) “The GOOD news is… you have termites.”
7) “Do you happen to have a large net?”
6) “You know, I’m also a taxidermist.”
5) “Ma’am, I’m afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me.”
4) “FIRE IN THE HOLE!”
3) “Hi, I’m Willie Nelson and I’ll be your exterminator today.”
2) “Duck!”
1) “Shazbot! I accidentally killed Mindy!”  (audio clip)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

28-year-old Derek Barringer is currently serving a prison sentence in Colorado for assault. Derek is going to be staying behind bars a little longer than he had planned.

 

FILE #1: It seems that Derek had filed a legal action in federal court, which was handled by U.S. Magistrate Judge O. Edward Schlatter. Schlatter dismissed the action, which angered Derek, who responded by writing the judge a letter that said, “…I wish to see you dead and as soon as I get out in 65 days I will see to it.” To emphasize his point, Derek added a stick figure of a person hanged by a rope and he signed the letter. Derek will now be getting out in 41 months and 65 days.

 

FILE #2: In Japan a 19-year-old was arrested for hijacking a bus to take him to the same place the bus was actually scheduled to go.  ***MARLAR: It’s nice to know Japanese criminals are just as stupid as our criminals, isn’t it?

 

FILE #3: A man has been given a traffic ticket for speeding in Chicago… he was clocked riding his motorcycle at 160mph in a 40mph zone. Daemond Rogan may have broken a Chicago speeding record before being arrested. He was also given a ticket for jumping a red light and weaving. Although Rogan was riding at breakneck speed, he was at least dressed safely. He was wearing a helmet, leather jacket and riding gloves.

 

STRANGE LAW: No doubt you have seen bath tubs with the popular four legged design that looks like animal paws. Well, in Kansas City, Missouri, the installation of this bathtub design is against the law.  Odd yes – but just as odd is the Minnesota law that REQUIRES all bathtubs to have those very same feet.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Inform Mothers Against Drunk Driving… they’re going to want to listen to today’s Brain on Drugs story!

Brains on drugs seem to be everywhere, in all organizations – even groups trying to do good things can actually be affected.  The Swedish government’s anti-drinking committee decided to make an anti-drinking commercial. It’s important to remember that fact. They were in the process of creating an ANTI-drinking commercial! So what did they do? Well, for realism, they brought in some teenagers and got them drunk during the filming… they say it made the commercial more authentic.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

A survey says that if you accidentally flipped your spouse’s toothbrush in to the toilet, you might not tell her. 48% of men say they would rinse it off good and not tell her what happened. However only 21% of women would be so dastardly. The other 79% would fess-up to the calamity.  How about it?  Would you fess up?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: During Rehoboam’s reign, Judah was attacked by Shishak, king of what country?

ANSWER: Egypt (1 Kings 14:25)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The maker doesn’t want it; the buyer doesn’t use it; and the user doesn’t see it. What is it?

ANSWER: A coffin.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Verizon was the first commercial online service provider available throughout the United States. (False, CompuServe)

 

  1. Five Major League Baseball teams are named after birds. (False, only three are – Toronto Blue Jays, St. Louis Cardinals, Baltimore Orioles)

 

  1. A new survey of high-paying jobs across America shows that you might want to consider being a computer IT professional because the career has the highest pay in the country. (False, it’s a surgeon)

 

  1. Layoffs in the U.S. in 2008 were the worst since 1940. (False, since 2003)

 

  1. Dizzy Gillespe served as the assistant musical director of “The Tonight Show” for 25 years. (False, it was Tommy Newsom)

 

  1. The first Olympics, held in ancient Greece, consisted of this one event, a foot race. (True)

 

  1. Mount St. Helen is the most visited mountain in the world. (False, Japan’s Mount Fuji)

 

  1. Benji was Dorthy’s pup in the classic flick “The Wizard of Oz. (False, it was Toto)

 

  1. The man who successfully piloted the first powered airplane in history was Thomas Jet. (False, it was Orville Wright)

 

  1. “Final Frontier” was the title of the theme song for the TV show “MacGuyver”. (False, “Mad About You”) (audio clip)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

EIFFEIL TOWER TALKS TO ______ (ALIENS)

The following was posted on Bugeyes’ popular blog.

You’ve seen the Eiffel Tower, right? I mean, I’ve never been there, but I hear it’s pretty cool. But if you’re still not impressed, listen to this.

I’ve done some digging and I think the tower is really an alien satellite transmitter, in disguise. I believe the tower can transmit messages into deep space to communicate with non-Earthlings!

Can I prove this for sure? Not yet. But I know I’m on to some- thing. Men In Black Suits have been spotted there, or at least that’s what I’m gonna prove.

For now, it’s just a theory I’m working on. But, stay tuned. I think I’m on the edge of a breakthrough.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Obama. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Obama thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: “Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00!”

 

JOKE #2

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.  One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.  Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.  The hunter picked up his rifle and started to look for her.  In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

 

JOKE #3

Jennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
“Pretty good, I think,” replied Jennifer, “but if I go to work there I won’t get a vacation until I’m married.”
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. “Is that what they told you?”
“No,” replied Jennifer, “but right on the application it said ‘vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary.'”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Two West Virginia women unwittingly gave their PIN numbers to the women who stole their purses, thinking it was the bank that was calling.  ***MARLAR: A quick word of advice – never give out your PIN number to strangers right after your purse is stolen.

 

Environmental health officials in Wakefield, England, are investigating a fish and chips stand because of a report that it smells like fish.  ***MARLAR: And chips.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

BIGGER PIECE

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don’t love me any more…”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Ever get lost in your own neighborhood?  How about getting lost in your own house? 

The most geographically-challenged person in the world is Hank Briar.  The 25-year-old Minneapolis resident has a rare medical condition: He was born without a sense of direction. “I can’t go around the block without getting completely lost,” said Briar. “I had to move out of my one-bedroom apartment into this small studio because I could never find the bathroom in time,” he said. “It got pretty gross.” Jeremy Streets, a neurologist who has treated Briar, said he’s never seen anything like Briar’s condition before. “We tend to think that people have five senses – taste, touch, smell, sight, hearing – but we also have a sense of direction. For some reason, Harry was born without one.” Streets said that Briar’s condition is due to the fact that his parents were Arctic explorers, and he happened to be born exactly on the North Pole. (Weekly World News)

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“Samuel was very upset with their request and went to the Lord for advice. “Do as they say,” the Lord replied, “for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don’t want me to be their king any longer.” 1 Samuel 8:6-7

God knows what rejection feels like because it happened to Him! An entire nation chose an earthly king over the privilege of having its government rest upon the shoulders of almighty God. Even in the New Testament, many who followed Jesus did so only for what He gave them to eat (John 6:34).

They rejected His identity but wanted whatever benefits they could receive from Him. How that must have hurt Him! To be generous, loving, and giving to people and then be passed over as they choose someone else hurts deeply. The more love and resources we have given, the more it hurts. Why would anyone embrace a human source and reject God? Jesus told those following Him, “I am the bread of life” (John 6:35).

He is our source of acceptance and satisfaction forever. He knows exactly how it feels to be rejected. After a lifetime of love and giving, He was “despised and rejected” (Isaiah 53:3 KJV).

When He was on the cross, the crowds mocked Him and turned their backs on Him. Have you been rejected? Jesus knows the feeling of your infirmities (Hebrews 4:15). Run to Him and let His nail-pierced hands embrace you in perfect acceptance.

–By Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ARE YOU A COMPLAINER?

READ: Numbers 11:1-10

When the people complained, it displeased the Lord. —Numbers 11:1

There’s a story about a farmer who was known for his negative attitude. One day a neighbor stopped by and commented on the farmer’s wonderful crop. “You must be extremely happy with this year’s harvest,” he said. The farmer grudgingly replied, “Well, yes, it looks like a pretty good one, but a bumper crop is awfully hard on the soil.”

The people of Israel had the same kind of complaining attitude. God had miraculously taken care of them during their wilderness wanderings, yet they constantly complained. For example, they griped about the manna that God had so graciously provided.

Remembering the fish, cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic of Egypt, they whined, “There is nothing at all except this manna before our eyes!” (Numbers 11:6). What ingratitude!

We too sometimes tend to focus on the negatives rather than the positives of life. We murmur against the Lord when we should be praising Him for His countless blessings.

We let ourselves be distracted by the disappointments and deprivations that God allows for our spiritual good.

Whenever we are tempted to grumble, let’s remember Numbers 11:1, “When the people complained, it displeased the Lord.” —Richard De Haan

 

Every time you want to grumble,
Think of others who have less;
Ask the Lord to keep you humble,
Grateful for each happiness. —Marye

 

Some people go through life standing at the complaint counter.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

TOILET TERROR

The new slogan for residents in Pineville, Louisiana is “Don’t Drink The Water”!

According to reports, 60 homes in Pineville drank water that was contaminated by sewage for almost 3 months because city workers accidentally connected a sewer line to an underground water pipe! City officials are saying that health risks were minimal however because enough chlorine is put into the water supply to kill most bacteria. But as you might guess, residents of those homes are livid! The problem has now been taken care of but just to let you know how bad it was: one resident’s washing machine, dishwasher, and refrigerator ice maker became clogged with toilet paper!  ***MARLAR: And you thought that YOUR ice cubes looked dirty!

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

THE BEST TIME OF THE DAY (According to Real Simple magazine)

  • The Best Time of Day to Clean the House is 4 p.m. You’re more likely to whistle while you window wash (and not kick over the bucket) if you do it in the late afternoon. That’s when hand-eye coordination is at its peak and mood levels are high.
  • The Best Time of Day to Take a Nap is 1 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. Doctors used to think afternoon sleepiness was the result of a big lunch. But they’ve found that in the early afternoon there’s a dip in body temperature, which causes sleepiness.
  • The Best Time of Day to Take a Multivitamin is breakfast time. Taking your supplements with a meal is important because vitamins are components of food, and whether water soluble or fat soluble, they are absorbed better with food.
  • The Best Time of Day to Take the Dog for a Walk is 8 p.m. to 9 p.m. To you, walking the dog may be about exercise. To him, it’s all about the social life. Because owners have more time to stroll in the evening and to let their pets linger over exciting smells and sounds missed on the morning-rush walk, this is when Fido is happiest. And evening walks also let him avoid midday overheating, make himself comfortable before bedtime.
  • The Best Time of Day to Do Your Cardio Workout is 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. At these times, he says, your lungs use oxygen more efficiently, you’re more coordinated, and your muscles are warmed up, so you’re less likely to suffer a sprain or strain. Finish exercising at least three hours before bed so that when your head hits the pillow the extra adrenaline will no longer be pumping through your bloodstream.
  • The Best Time of Day to Go to the Post Office is 7:30 a.m. to 10 a.m. Find out when your post office opens (generally between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m.) and arrive a half hour or so later. You’ll hit a midmorning lull, missing the rush of early birds lined up at the door. Heavy traffic is more likely at lunch, at the end of the workday, and just before closing.
  • The Best Time of Day to Return Merchandise is 10 a.m. Workforces are leaner these days, but retailers still need enough staff to open up, so that may be when they have the best ratio of staff to customers. It may also be the only time all day when staff are at assigned posts. Also, the most experienced people get the best hours, so they will be working the day shift.
  • The Best Time of Day to Go to the Doctor is 8 a.m. to 9 a.m., or 1 p.m. to 2 p.m. You’ll spend less time in the waiting room if you book the first appointment of the morning or the first after lunch, says Patricia Carroll, R.N., author of What Nurses Know and Doctors Don’t Have Time to Tell You.
  • The Best Time of Day to Ask for a Raise is 5 p.m. The key is finding a moment when your boss is not rushed and has time to truly listen, and that’s most likely to be the end of the day.
  • The Best Time of Day to Get a Haircut is 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. Booking the first appointment of the day will help you ease into the shampoo bowl on time. That’s because no latecomers will have thrown off the schedule.
  • The Best Time of Day to Fly is around Noon. Although U.S. Department of Transportation statistics show that flights taking off between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m. have the best on-time record, those numbers are sometimes misleading, says Rally Caparas, an Atlanta-based air-traffic controller. “On time” refers to when the plane pushes back from the gate. You can wait on the tarmac for an hour because of weather problems, which cause the vast majority of air delays. Scheduling arrivals and departures between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. local time, Caparas says, will help you avoid most delay-causing weather patterns.
  • The Best Time of Day to Read (and Retain) is 8 a.m. or 10 p.m. If you’re going over notes for today’s presentation or memorizing the names of your child’s classmates’ parents before the school open house tonight, do it early in the morning, when your immediate recall is highest. For longer retention, evening is better.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HOUSE DIVIDED
The Bliss family is trying to figure out what state there kids can go to school in — Rhode Island or Connecticut.

You see their house is situated right on the border of the two states. In fact, half of the family sleeps in Rhode Island, the other half sleeps in Connecticut. In February, the town of Voluntown, Connecticut sent the family a letter telling them that their children, who have been attending the Connecticut schools for 11 years may no longer do so because, they claim, the family is a resident of Rhode Island. Officials in West Greenwich, Rhode Island had also sent the family a letter claiming that they are not required to educate their children because they are residents of Connecticut. But denying children the right to public schooling is against federal law. The family’s lawyer says that under existing law, if a child lives in a house on the border of two towns within the same state, the child is entitled to attend school in either town. The kicker of it all is that the family pays property taxes to BOTH states who are gladly taking the family’s money.

 

 

FUN LIST

KIDS’ KITCHEN TERMS

  • BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted.
  • CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
  • DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.
  • EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
  • FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
  • REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
  • SODA POP: Shake ‘N Spray.
  • TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BELLY ARMOR FOR LAPTOP LOVING MOMS-TO-BE

Did you know that your laptop is just as dangerous to your unborn baby as your microwave?  So what do you do if you use your laptop on your lap?  One company has come up with a solution! 

Um — did you know that your laptop can be unsafe for your growing baby while you are pregnant? You obviously know not to stand in front of the microwave or have an x-ray or anything like that, but updating your Facebook status could be dangerous for your unborn baby?

It turns out that you may be unknowingly exposing your bun in the oven to radiation if you are doing your typing with your computer in your lap. And considering how many of us have laptops these days, well…

Luckily, there is this new product out that can help ensure that you can still safely use your laptop while pregnant. It’s called the Belly Armor Blanket (isn’t that a cute name?), and it’s basically a blanket that you drape over your baby bump while you are typing away on your laptop – think of it as that big lead-lined blanket you get when getting an x-ray taken.

The Belly Armor blankets retail from $69 to $109 at BellyArmor.com.  ***MARLAR: No need to exposure your baby to Twitter until after their born.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

As you do your spring cleaning, keep in mind several germ havens that most people forget to clean… like your coffee maker, doorknobs and drawer pulls, the area behind your sink faucets, reusable storage containers and the top of your refrigerator door.  Get a few more ideas here: http://huff.to/1McqOaN

 

A Dutch carpenter has built a life-sized replica of Noah’s Ark and now plans to take it on a journey from the Brazilian city of Fortaleza to Rio de Janeiro, as well as parts of North America.  Johan Huibers originally got the idea for building the ark in a dream. The ship weighs around 2,500 tons, is 95 feet wide, 75.5 feet high, 410 feet long, and can accommodate 5,000 people. Huibers built it according to the guidelines in Genesis 6. The ark has been on display since 2012, when Huiber finished it, but this summer it will be embarking on its first voyage.

http://dlvr.it/L8xfvK

 

A homeless man known for toting his “God Bless You” sign around the Indianapolis area received a welcomed surprise last month when the local police force partnered to provide him with a new pair of sneakers. Members of the Lawrence Police Department announced in a recent Facebook post that they were able to convince the Indiana Pacers NBA team to donate a pair of size 17 shoes (that were made for a former player) to a local homeless man, who exceeds seven feet in height.  In addition to the shoes, the officer also obtained some other donated items, such as socks and other essential items.

http://ow.ly/4n29aQ

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

They should make a pre-pre-pre-pre-prequel to “Star Wars” and have it take place in the 90’s. It would clear up a lot of the confusion, and it’d be cool to see Brian Skywalker, M.C. Yoda and Darth Jennifer.  –Pete Thompson

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 13, 2016…

 

Money Monster—George Clooney is a big-time television host on financial advice, his producer is Julia Roberts.  This is what happens when a disgruntled, lost-it-all guy takes over the station and Clooney as hostage, all on air, too. The cast includes Dominic West, Dennis Boursikaria, Caitriona Balfe and Jack O’Connell as the disgruntled man. “Money Monster” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

High Rise—This film was to have opened several weeks ago, and under a different title.  Tom Hiddleston (“I Saw The Light”) is a man who moves into a high rise apartment and decides he doesn’t like his neighbors so starts to do something about it. Also in the cast are Jeremy Irons, Sienna Miller, Luke Evans and Elizabeth Moss.  “High Rise” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Kidnap—Halle Berry stars in this suspense film as a mom who is trying to find her kidnapped son. The cast includes Dana Gourier and Christopher Berry. “Kidnap” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Snowden—Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Snowden in this film showing what the circumstances were around him as he was giving government secrets away. The movie was written and directed by Oliver Stone and based on the books “The Snowden Files: The Inside Story of The World’s Most Wanted Man”  by Luke Harding and “Time Of The Octopus” by Anatoly Kucherena. “Snowden” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

MAY 20, 2016…

 

Free State Of Jones —Based on a true incident, Matthew McConaughey plays a small farmer in Civil War times, who decides to secede from the Confederacy. With neighbors and former slaves, he tries to hold his ground.  This was in Jones County, Miss. Also in the cast are Keri Russell and Gugu Nbatha-Raw. “Free State Of Jones” is rated R. No rating.

 

Sorority 2: Neighbors Rising is a continuation of the bad neighbors film, starring Zac Efron, Rose Bryne and Seth Rogen.

 

Angry Birds (animated) follows the adventures of these birds with voices of Peter Dinklage and Jason Sudekis.

 

The Nice Guys has Russell Crowe as a laughable hit man with Ryan Gosling as his friend. Set in the 1970’s.

 

Maggie (opening in select cities) stars Greta Gerwig as Maggie who wants to have a baby and then gets involved with a married man. Also stars Travis Fimmel

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.