May 18, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180518
PDF: 20180518

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And for all of you on your way to work wondering how you’re ever going to cope with another workday, just remember it could be worse. Your boss could be a twin.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Do what you can with what you have, where you are.” – Theodore Roosevelt

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” –Colossians 4:5-6 New International Version

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. — Proverbs 31:30

Pray for us that the message of the Lord may spread rapidly and be honored, just as it was with you. — 2 Thessalonians 3:1

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity. — Proverbs 3:1-2

Thought: Those who are older are not as respected in Western cultures today as they once were and as “the elders” are respected in other cultures. The Bible repeatedly reminds us of our NEED to honor those who are godly and who have gone before us. Whether the father behind this passage is the physical father of the person receiving instruction or he was the teacher of this student seeking wisdom, either way the principle is the same. We have much to learn and much to gain from heeding the voice of those who have served God for many years and have proved themselves wise and faithful.

Prayer: Loving God and Almighty Father, thank you for those wise people in my life that have shared your wisdom and their experience with me. Please help them know how much I appreciate their investment of love and guidance in me and please use me to do the same for those who come after me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV = give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MAY 18, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
220 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is INTERNATIONAL MUSEUM DAY. It’s also VISIT YOUR RELATIVES DAY. ***So you can kill two birds with one stone by going to a museum and visiting your mummy.

Whenever I go back home to visit relatives, I begin working on my exits a bit early in order to be prepared…

  • I can’t stay, I have secret government work to finish.  I could tell you about it, but then I’d have to kill you.

  • Time for us to leave – if I miss “The Blacklist” I’m completely lost the rest of the season.

  • What was in that gravy?  I forgot to mention that I’ve developed an allergy to milk and flour and whatever else was in that gravy.  Gotta run to the hospital!

  • Gotta go – the cat has to be let out of the house every two hours, and she’s still back in Illinois.  It’s a hassle, but what can you do?

  • Oh look, I’ve spilled diet A&W on my brand new shirt.  I really should take this home and put Oxi-Clean on it immediately.

  • Honey, did we leave the oven on back in Illinois?  I thought so.

  • Well, we’re going to call it a night. We don’t want to overdo it; after all, we’re likely going to see you again on Christmas, anyway.

INTERNATIONAL MUSEUM DAY: UNUSUAL MUSEUMS WORTH CHECKING OUT THIS SUMMER…

  • The Lucy-Desi Museum (Jamestown, NY)

  • Museum of Bad Art (Boston, MA)

  • Kenneth W. Berger Hearing Aid Museum (Kent State University, OH)

  • National Museum of Roller Skating (Lincoln, NE)

  • Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum  (Farmington Hills, MI)

  • Dr. Samuel D. Harris National Museum of Dentistry (Baltimore, MD)

  • Mount Horeb Mustard Museum (Wisconsin)

  • Jell-O Museum (LeRoy, NY)

  • International Clown Hall of Fame and Research Center (Milwaukee, WI)

  • Triangle Tattoo and Museum (Fort Bragg, CA)

  • Museum of Dirt (Boston, MA)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Buy A Musical Instrument Day
Endangered Species Day
HIV Vaccine Awareness Day
I Love Reeses Day
International Virtual Assistants Day
Mother Whistler Day
NASCAR Day
National Bike to Work Day
National Defense Transportation Day
National Museum Day
National Pizza Party Day
O. Henry Pun-off Day
Visit Your Relatives Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, MAY 19

Armed Forces Day
Boys Club Day
Do Dah Day
May Ray Day: 19
Morel Mushroom Day
National Asian & Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
National Learn To Swim Day
National Scooter Day
National Hepatitus Testing Day
Preakness

SUNDAY, MAY 20

World Autoimmune Arthritis Day
Bay to Breakers Race:
Eliza Doolittle Day
Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
National Rescue Dog Day
Neighbor Day
Ride A Unicycle Day
Soil Stewardship Day
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
Weights & Measures Day
WhitSunday
World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

MONDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day
End of the World or Rapture Party Day
I Need A Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

TUESDAY, MAY 22
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
Sherlock Holmes Day
US Colored Troops Day
Victoria Day
World Goth Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 23

Declaration of the Bab Day
Emergency Medical Services for Children Day
International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
National Taffy Day
World Crohn’s and Colitis Day
World Orienteering Day
World Turtle Day

THURSDAY, MAY 24

Aviation Maintenance Technician Day
Brother’s Day
Declaration of The Bab
Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day
EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day
International Tiara Day
Morse Code Day

FRIDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday
Don’t Fry Day
Heat Awareness Day
National and International Missing Children’s Day
National Polka Day
National Tap Dance Day
National Title Track Day
National Wig Out Day
National Wine Day
Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day
Towel Day
World Thyroid Day

SATURDAY, MAY 26

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)
International Heritage Breeds Day
Julia Pierpont Day
National Chardonnay Day
National Paper Airplane Day
World Lindy Hop Day

SUNDAY, MAY 27

Cellophane Tape Day
Indianapolis 500

MONDAY, MAY 28

National Hamburger Day
Sierra Club Day
Slugs Return From Capistrano Day
Memorial Day
Prayer for Peace Memorial Day

ON THIS DAY

1631: Massachusetts passed a state law decreeing that only church members could become citizens.

1804: Napoleon became emperor of France. At the coronation, Napoleon insisted on placing the crown on his own head. ***Which is not an easy task if you have one hand in your jacket at all times and can’t see if it’s straight because you’re too short to see the mirror.

1830: In Gloucestershire, England, Edwin Budding began manufacturing the world’s first lawn mowers. ***Saturdays no longer belong to us men… and it’s all this guy’s fault.

1852: School attendance in the U.S. was made compulsory. ***Education is an important part of our society and I’m sure I’ll think this was a good idea, as soon as I find out what “compulsory” means.

1936: Jasmine Bligh and Elizabeth Cowell became the British Broadcasting Corporation’s first women announcers.

1953: The first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound, Jacqueline Cochran, piloted an F-86 Sabrejet over California at an average speed of 652.3 miles-an-hour.

1955: England’s fast-food invasion began with the opening in London of the first Wimpy Bar.

1959: Johnny Hortons “The Battle of New Orleans” hit #1 on Billboards country chart and stayed there for 10 weeks. It would top the pop chart for six weeks.

1967: Singer Barbara Mandrell married Ken Dudney.

1971: The Utah Stars won the American Basketball Association championship 4 games to 3 over the Kentucky Colonels. The ball was red, white, and blue.

1974: “The Streak” by Ray Stevens became Americas top single, capitalizing on the streaking fad that year on college campuses.

1978: The movie “Buddy Holly Story” starring Gary Busey premiered in Dallas.

1980: In Washington State Mount St. Helens blew her top. ***Which is what happens when, instead of letting off steam, you keep things all bottled up inside. Of course, your other option is to blow up constantly – which seems to be working so well for my mother in law.

1984: Bobby Ewing was killed in the season-ending cliff-hanger on “Dallas.” The following season we found it was all a dream. (audio clip)

1992: The National Archivist quietly certified the 27th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution prohibiting Congress from voting itself instant pay raises. The measure was written by James Madison in 1789, but the ratification process took over two centuries.

1997: In a Canberra ceremony, Australia posthumously awarded the Purple Cross to Murphy, the bravest donkey in Australian history. Some 82 years earlier, Murphy had carried wounded Australian soldiers to safety in the World War One battle at Gallipoli. An Army mascot donkey named Simpson accepted the award in Murphy’s behalf.

2002: A 17-year-old drove a stolen car to a Savannah, Georgia, police station to visit his girlfriend. Police spotted the car in the parking lot and arrested the teenager. “Car thieves are never very smart,” said one officer, “but this guy may have set a new record.”

2004: At age 40, Randy Johnson became the oldest pitcher in major league history to throw a perfect game, retiring all 27 batters to lead the Arizona Diamondbacks over the Atlanta Braves 2-0.

2004: The “Hee Haw Collection” was released, featuring full shows on DVD and VHS. (audio clip)

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1291: The last Christian territory taken by the Crusaders, Acre, falls to the Sultan of Egypt.

1834: Sheldon Jackson, Presbyterian missionary to the frontier West and Alaska, is born in Minaville, New York. Jackson’s reputation for ministering to the spiritual, physical, and social needs of both natives and settlers earned him the nicknames “Bishop of All Beyond” and “Apostle to Alaska”.

1920: Karol Wojtyla (who would take the name John Paul II when elected pope) is born in Wadowice, Poland.

1926: Church of the Foursquare Gospel founder Sister Aimee Semple McPherson disappears from a California beach. Her mother announced that Aimee must have drowned, telling the Angelus Temple congregation, “Sister is gone.” However, three days after an elaborate memorial service on June 20, Sister reappeared in Arizona, saying she had been kidnapped. (Rumors circulated that she had eloped for a romantic tryst.) Her support base remained strong, but media coverage turned negative, and her image never fully recovered.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Downton Abbey”) Allen Leech, 37
  • actor (Lost In Space 1998) Jack Johnson 33
  • Actress/writer (“SNL,” Mean Girls) Tina Fey, 48 (audio clip)
  • Actor (Anna and the King) Chow Yun-Fat, 63
  • Actor (“The Many Lives of Dobie Gillis”) Dwayne Hickman, 84 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Big Joe Turner

1912 : Perry Como

1922 : Kai Winding

1942 : Albert Hammond

1949 : Rick Wakeman (Yes)

1949 : Bill Wallace (The Guess Who)

1950 : Mark Mothersbaugh (Devo)

1952 : George Strait

1957 : Michael Cretu (Enigma)

1969 : Martika

1975 : Jack Johnson

1982 : Eric West

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why is taking a nap “catching 40 winks?”

This business of napping by the numbers always seemed pretty curious. Why 40 rather than 9, 11, 17 or 30? There is a long tradition, starting with the Bible, of using 40 to stand for significant quantities. For example, when Noah took his boat ride, it rained 40 days and 40 nights. Moses had spent the same amount of time up on the mountain. In the Middle Ages an Englishman sure of something would bet 40 pence on it. And so on. But the phrase 40 winks has a specific rather than general origin. It comes from an 1872 issue of Punch, the British humor magazine. Punch referred to the Thirty-nine Articles of faith of the Church of England, joking that actually reading through them would induce 40 winks. Call it a yawning gap between conscience and consciousness.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Walking and talking may be too much to handle for some kids. A University of Alabama at Birmingham study reveals that children between the ages of 10 and 12 who talk on cell phones while crossing the street are more likely to be injured by a vehicle. When kids were asked to walk across a “virtual” road six times, those gabbing on their cells got “hit” or “almost hit” at least once.  ***Maybe we send them across real roads and clear out the gene pool of the DNA that causes stupidity.

Starbucks has announced that now anyone can use its restrooms, even if they haven’t bought anything. ***News of which received a joyous response from semi-truck drivers and the homeless.

A policy by Florida educators sets student goals in math and reading based on their race.  Florida’s Department of Education wants 90 percent of its Asian students to be reading at or above grade level, compared to 88 percent of white students, 81 percent of Hispanic pupils and 74 percent of African-American children.  ***Translation – Florida educators are racist.

Amazon is offering extra discounts to their Prime Members at Whole Foods stores. ***But you still have to wait at least two days for free delivery.

Thinking about watching a horror movie? Then you’d better keep the candy out of arm’s reach, warn researchers at Arizona State University and Eramus University, in the Netherlands. Their study suggests that watching something that makes you think about death such as a gory movie or a crime drama may trigger you to stress about mortality and over eat.  ***I need to call my lawyer – I’m suing Stephen King for making me fat.

Former U.S. Open champion Lucas Glover and his mother sustained minor injuries allegedly inflicted by his wife. She allegedly began yelling at him – calling him a “loser” and cursing at him – after his less than stellar third round performance.  ***Well… so much for “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me”.

A French family barely escaped with their lives after exiting their car not once but twice to photograph the full-grown cheetahs at a safari park in the Netherlands. Of course the first thing visitors are told when visiting a drive-through safari park is to never, under any circumstances, leave their vehicles. Failing to follow this most important rule can lead to serious injury or even death from the wild predators roaming the grounds. But that risk was apparently not considerable enough to deter one family of idiots visiting the Beekse Bergen safari park. They hopped right out of their car with their small children, just so they could snap better pictures of the cheetahs roaming around. When the cheetahs decided to rush them, they barely got back in the car alive. ***”I don’t understand, Mom!  They seemed so friendly – they were even laughing when they saw us!”

A new study claims that 25% of Americans rarely venture outside and spend most of their existence indoors.  ***I resent that.  Why, just this week I visited places like Hill Valley, California… Gotham City… Middle Earth… I get around.

Ronda Rousey says now that she’s been married a year, a pregnancy could be in the near future.  ***Her next loss will be sleep once the crying baby arrives.

In Camillus, NY, Mark and Christina Rontondo are going to Onondaga County Supreme Court to force their 30-year-old son leave home! Father Mark Rotondo wrote his son, Michael, in a letter filed with the court which read: “After a discussion with your Mother, we have decided that you must leave this house immediately.” But Michael isn’t going anywhere without a fight and is ignoring their demand to leave. So his parents have been left with little choice but to start a legal eviction process that has lasted three months so far and gone from local court up to Onondaga County’s top court. Michael has not yet responded to his parents in court.  ***I’m guessing he’s just not read the eviction notice yet because he’s still in the basement playing video games and Dungeons & Dragons.

An Australian woman who stole a kiss from Prince Harry back in 2015 and has proposed to him three times is flying to London for the royal wedding this weekend and will stand outside the ceremony in full bridal gown.  ***Good idea – that way if Meghan Markle freaks out and become a runaway bride, this lady can just step in and marry into royalty!  (That’s how it works… right?)

Papa John’s has started selling extra-large jugs of its signature garlic sauce. Each jug of garlic sauce is 8 pounds and costs $20.  ***Even if you don’t see yourself consuming 8 pounds of garlic sauce, you can still take comfort in knowing you’re protected from giant vampires.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The real prime time for people with televisions is at 9:15pm. The Nielsen Company said nearly 42 percent of American adults who have televisions are watching them between 9:15 and 9:30 at night, the highest percentage of the evening. ***Not 9pm. Not 9:30pm. But 9:15pm?!? What’s everyone so excited about on TV that starts fifteen minutes into a show?

Seniors who can still give a firm handshake and walk at a brisk pace are likely to live longer than those who can’t, according to British researchers. They found simple measures of physical capability were related to life span among graying heads in the community, even after accounting for age, sex and body size. The study analyzed grip strength, walking speed, time to get up from a chair and ability to balance on one leg, mostly in people 70 years and older, and looked at mortality from all causes. ***If physical capability is so important, why are so many seniors physically incapable of shutting off their car’s turn signal?

According to a study at the University of Pennsylvania, the brains of men and women are wired completely differently. ***Nevertheless, neither one can remember where they parked the car.

According to a poll of young people, kids don’t like clowns. Researchers from the University of Sheffield were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children’s wards, found all the 250 patients aged between four and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary. ***Brought to you by the International Institute For Studying The Obvious.

Have a final exam coming up? Maybe your test prep should include chewing gum. Students who chewed gum for five minutes before taking a test did better on the test than non-gum-chewing students, according to a study by researchers at St. Lawrence University. The credit goes to “mastication-induced arousal.” In other words, chewing gum revs up the brain. But here’s the catch: the cognitive boost only lasts for about the first 20 minutes or so of testing. ***Which is about the time the teacher is going to get fed up with you smacking your gum and tell you to spit it out anyway.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Racquet the Skunk agreed to make a brand new badminton racquet for Gruffy Bear – who then bragged about it to Nozzles the Elephant and Sully the Aardvark. Gruffy also mentioned that he was getting it on trade for a hammer… and that gave Nozzles and Sully the same idea…

CLOSE: Sounds like Racquet’s “new and improved” racquet isn’t “improved” at all! And it’s just so he can get rich off his friends! Will the other animals find out about his scheme? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A woman defends her home against… an alligator!

The alligator was only 3 feet long, but Candy Frey wasn’t taking any chances. When the reptile came into her home east of Bradenton, Florida, and attacked her golden retriever, Frey went and got her gun. After Frey and her daughter managed to push the gator out through the dog door, she blasted away at it four times. A neighbor called deputies and the state sent a wildlife officer to investigate. The alligator barely bled from gunshots to the neck and shoulder, Frey said, and wildlife officer put it back in the lake. The deputy gave Frey a warning citation for hunting without a license.  ***MARLAR: HUNTING?!?!  A dangerous animal comes into your home, attacks your dog, and if you retaliate by brandishing a weapon it’s considered HUNTING?!?!  If you accidentally drive your car off a pier into the lake and hit a couple of fish, do you get a ticket for FISHING without a license? And don’t even think about swatting a fly… you’re talking murder charges.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT YOUR EXTERMINATOR TO SAY

10) “EEEEEKKK!!!!!!”
9) “Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin…”
8) “The GOOD news is… you have termites.”
7) “Do you happen to have a large net?”
6) “You know, I’m also a taxidermist.”
5) “Ma’am, I’m afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me.”
4) “FIRE IN THE HOLE!”
3) “Hi, I’m Willie Nelson and I’ll be your exterminator today.”
2) “Duck!”
1) “Shazbot! I accidentally killed Mindy!” (audio clip)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

28-year-old Derek Barringer is currently serving a prison sentence in Colorado for assault. Derek is going to be staying behind bars a little longer than he had planned.

FILE #1: It seems that Derek had filed a legal action in federal court, which was handled by U.S. Magistrate Judge O. Edward Schlatter. Schlatter dismissed the action, which angered Derek, who responded by writing the judge a letter that said, “…I wish to see you dead and as soon as I get out in 65 days I will see to it.” To emphasize his point, Derek added a stick figure of a person hanged by a rope and he signed the letter. Derek will now be getting out in 41 months and 65 days.

FILE #2: In Japan a 19-year-old was arrested for hijacking a bus to take him to the same place the bus was actually scheduled to go. ***MARLAR: It’s nice to know Japanese criminals are just as stupid as our criminals, isn’t it?

FILE #3: A man has been given a traffic ticket for speeding in Chicago… he was clocked riding his motorcycle at 160mph in a 40mph zone. Daemond Rogan may have broken a Chicago speeding record before being arrested. He was also given a ticket for jumping a red light and weaving. Although Rogan was riding at breakneck speed, he was at least dressed safely. He was wearing a helmet, leather jacket and riding gloves.

STRANGE LAW: No doubt you have seen bath tubs with the popular four legged design that looks like animal paws. Well, in Kansas City, Missouri, the installation of this bathtub design is against the law. Odd yes – but just as odd is the Minnesota law that REQUIRES all bathtubs to have those very same feet.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Inform Mothers Against Drunk Driving… they’re going to want to listen to today’s Brain on Drugs story!

Brains on drugs seem to be everywhere, in all organizations – even groups trying to do good things can actually be affected. The Swedish government’s anti-drinking committee decided to make an anti-drinking commercial. It’s important to remember that fact. They were in the process of creating an ANTI-drinking commercial! So what did they do? Well, for realism, they brought in some teenagers and got them drunk during the filming… they say it made the commercial more authentic.

PHONER PHUN

A survey says that if you accidentally flipped your spouse’s toothbrush in to the toilet, you might not tell her. 48% of men say they would rinse it off good and not tell her what happened. However only 21% of women would be so dastardly. The other 79% would fess-up to the calamity. How about it? Would you fess up?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: During Rehoboam’s reign, Judah was attacked by Shishak, king of what country?

ANSWER: Egypt (1 Kings 14:25)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The maker doesn’t want it; the buyer doesn’t use it; and the user doesn’t see it. What is it?

ANSWER: A coffin.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Verizon was the first commercial online service provider available throughout the United States. (False, CompuServe)

2. Five Major League Baseball teams are named after birds. (False, only three are – Toronto Blue Jays, St. Louis Cardinals, Baltimore Orioles)

3. A new survey of high-paying jobs across America shows that you might want to consider being a computer IT professional because the career has the highest pay in the country. (False, it’s a surgeon)

4. Layoffs in the U.S. in 2008 were the worst since 1940. (False, since 2003)

5. Dizzy Gillespe served as the assistant musical director of “The Tonight Show” for 25 years. (False, it was Tommy Newsom)

6. The first Olympics, held in ancient Greece, consisted of this one event, a foot race. (True)

7. Mount St. Helen is the most visited mountain in the world. (False, Japan’s Mount Fuji)

8. Benji was Dorthy’s pup in the classic flick “The Wizard of Oz. (False, it was Toto)

9. The man who successfully piloted the first powered airplane in history was Thomas Jet. (False, it was Orville Wright)

10. “Final Frontier” was the title of the theme song for the TV show “MacGuyver”. (False, “Mad About You”) (audio clip)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

EIFFEIL TOWER TALKS TO ______ (ALIENS)

The following was posted on Bugeyes’ popular blog.

You’ve seen the Eiffel Tower, right? I mean, I’ve never been there, but I hear it’s pretty cool. But if you’re still not impressed, listen to this.

I’ve done some digging and I think the tower is really an alien satellite transmitter, in disguise. I believe the tower can transmit messages into deep space to communicate with non-Earthlings!

Can I prove this for sure? Not yet. But I know I’m on to some- thing. Men In Black Suits have been spotted there, or at least that’s what I’m gonna prove.

For now, it’s just a theory I’m working on. But, stay tuned. I think I’m on the edge of a breakthrough.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Obama. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Obama thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: “Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00!”

JOKE #2

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.  One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.  Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.  The hunter picked up his rifle and started to look for her.  In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

JOKE #3

Jennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
“Pretty good, I think,” replied Jennifer, “but if I go to work there I won’t get a vacation until I’m married.”
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. “Is that what they told you?”
“No,” replied Jennifer, “but right on the application it said ‘vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary.'”

USELESS FACTS

The projection light used for IMAX theaters can be seen from space. ***And now you know how our astronauts can watch movies.

Environmental health officials in Wakefield, England, are investigating a fish and chips stand because of a report that it smells like fish.  ***And chips.

FEATURED FUNNIES

BIGGER PIECE

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don’t love me any more…”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Ever get lost in your own neighborhood?  How about getting lost in your own house? 

The most geographically-challenged person in the world is Hank Briar. The 25-year-old Minneapolis resident has a rare medical condition: He was born without a sense of direction. “I can’t go around the block without getting completely lost,” said Briar. “I had to move out of my one-bedroom apartment into this small studio because I could never find the bathroom in time,” he said. “It got pretty gross.” Jeremy Streets, a neurologist who has treated Briar, said he’s never seen anything like Briar’s condition before. “We tend to think that people have five senses – taste, touch, smell, sight, hearing – but we also have a sense of direction. For some reason, Harry was born without one.” Streets said that Briar’s condition is due to the fact that his parents were Arctic explorers, and he happened to be born exactly on the North Pole. (Weekly World News)

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Samuel was very upset with their request and went to the Lord for advice. “Do as they say,” the Lord replied, “for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don’t want me to be their king any longer.” 1 Samuel 8:6-7

God knows what rejection feels like because it happened to Him! An entire nation chose an earthly king over the privilege of having its government rest upon the shoulders of almighty God. Even in the New Testament, many who followed Jesus did so only for what He gave them to eat (John 6:34).

They rejected His identity but wanted whatever benefits they could receive from Him. How that must have hurt Him! To be generous, loving, and giving to people and then be passed over as they choose someone else hurts deeply. The more love and resources we have given, the more it hurts. Why would anyone embrace a human source and reject God? Jesus told those following Him, “I am the bread of life” (John 6:35).

He is our source of acceptance and satisfaction forever. He knows exactly how it feels to be rejected. After a lifetime of love and giving, He was “despised and rejected” (Isaiah 53:3 KJV).

When He was on the cross, the crowds mocked Him and turned their backs on Him. Have you been rejected? Jesus knows the feeling of your infirmities (Hebrews 4:15). Run to Him and let His nail-pierced hands embrace you in perfect acceptance.

–By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ARE YOU A COMPLAINER?

READ: Numbers 11:1-10

When the people complained, it displeased the Lord. —Numbers 11:1

There’s a story about a farmer who was known for his negative attitude. One day a neighbor stopped by and commented on the farmer’s wonderful crop. “You must be extremely happy with this year’s harvest,” he said. The farmer grudgingly replied, “Well, yes, it looks like a pretty good one, but a bumper crop is awfully hard on the soil.”

The people of Israel had the same kind of complaining attitude. God had miraculously taken care of them during their wilderness wanderings, yet they constantly complained. For example, they griped about the manna that God had so graciously provided.

Remembering the fish, cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic of Egypt, they whined, “There is nothing at all except this manna before our eyes!” (Numbers 11:6). What ingratitude!

We too sometimes tend to focus on the negatives rather than the positives of life. We murmur against the Lord when we should be praising Him for His countless blessings.

We let ourselves be distracted by the disappointments and deprivations that God allows for our spiritual good.

Whenever we are tempted to grumble, let’s remember Numbers 11:1, “When the people complained, it displeased the Lord.” —Richard De Haan

Every time you want to grumble,
Think of others who have less;
Ask the Lord to keep you humble,
Grateful for each happiness. —Marye

Some people go through life standing at the complaint counter.

LEFTOVERS

TOILET TERROR

The new slogan for residents in Pineville, Louisiana is “Don’t Drink The Water”!

According to reports, 60 homes in Pineville drank water that was contaminated by sewage for almost 3 months because city workers accidentally connected a sewer line to an underground water pipe! City officials are saying that health risks were minimal however because enough chlorine is put into the water supply to kill most bacteria. But as you might guess, residents of those homes are livid! The problem has now been taken care of but just to let you know how bad it was: one resident’s washing machine, dishwasher, and refrigerator ice maker became clogged with toilet paper! ***MARLAR: And you thought that YOUR ice cubes looked dirty!

LIFE… LIVE IT

THE BEST TIME OF THE DAY (According to Real Simple magazine)

  • The Best Time of Day to Clean the House is 4 p.m. You’re more likely to whistle while you window wash (and not kick over the bucket) if you do it in the late afternoon. That’s when hand-eye coordination is at its peak and mood levels are high.

  • The Best Time of Day to Take a Nap is 1 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. Doctors used to think afternoon sleepiness was the result of a big lunch. But they’ve found that in the early afternoon there’s a dip in body temperature, which causes sleepiness.

  • The Best Time of Day to Take a Multivitamin is breakfast time. Taking your supplements with a meal is important because vitamins are components of food, and whether water soluble or fat soluble, they are absorbed better with food.

  • The Best Time of Day to Take the Dog for a Walk is 8 p.m. to 9 p.m. To you, walking the dog may be about exercise. To him, it’s all about the social life. Because owners have more time to stroll in the evening and to let their pets linger over exciting smells and sounds missed on the morning-rush walk, this is when Fido is happiest. And evening walks also let him avoid midday overheating, make himself comfortable before bedtime.

  • The Best Time of Day to Do Your Cardio Workout is 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. At these times, he says, your lungs use oxygen more efficiently, you’re more coordinated, and your muscles are warmed up, so you’re less likely to suffer a sprain or strain. Finish exercising at least three hours before bed so that when your head hits the pillow the extra adrenaline will no longer be pumping through your bloodstream.

  • The Best Time of Day to Go to the Post Office is 7:30 a.m. to 10 a.m. Find out when your post office opens (generally between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m.) and arrive a half hour or so later. You’ll hit a midmorning lull, missing the rush of early birds lined up at the door. Heavy traffic is more likely at lunch, at the end of the workday, and just before closing.

  • The Best Time of Day to Return Merchandise is 10 a.m. Workforces are leaner these days, but retailers still need enough staff to open up, so that may be when they have the best ratio of staff to customers. It may also be the only time all day when staff are at assigned posts. Also, the most experienced people get the best hours, so they will be working the day shift.

  • The Best Time of Day to Go to the Doctor is 8 a.m. to 9 a.m., or 1 p.m. to 2 p.m. You’ll spend less time in the waiting room if you book the first appointment of the morning or the first after lunch, says Patricia Carroll, R.N., author of What Nurses Know and Doctors Don’t Have Time to Tell You.

  • The Best Time of Day to Ask for a Raise is 5 p.m. The key is finding a moment when your boss is not rushed and has time to truly listen, and that’s most likely to be the end of the day.

  • The Best Time of Day to Get a Haircut is 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. Booking the first appointment of the day will help you ease into the shampoo bowl on time. That’s because no latecomers will have thrown off the schedule.

  • The Best Time of Day to Fly is around Noon. Although U.S. Department of Transportation statistics show that flights taking off between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m. have the best on-time record, those numbers are sometimes misleading, says Rally Caparas, an Atlanta-based air-traffic controller. “On time” refers to when the plane pushes back from the gate. You can wait on the tarmac for an hour because of weather problems, which cause the vast majority of air delays. Scheduling arrivals and departures between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. local time, Caparas says, will help you avoid most delay-causing weather patterns.

  • The Best Time of Day to Read (and Retain) is 8 a.m. or 10 p.m. If you’re going over notes for today’s presentation or memorizing the names of your child’s classmates’ parents before the school open house tonight, do it early in the morning, when your immediate recall is highest. For longer retention, evening is better.

JUST FOR FUN

HOUSE DIVIDED
The Bliss family is trying to figure out what state there kids can go to school in — Rhode Island or Connecticut.

You see their house is situated right on the border of the two states. In fact, half of the family sleeps in Rhode Island, the other half sleeps in Connecticut. In February, the town of Voluntown, Connecticut sent the family a letter telling them that their children, who have been attending the Connecticut schools for 11 years may no longer do so because, they claim, the family is a resident of Rhode Island. Officials in West Greenwich, Rhode Island had also sent the family a letter claiming that they are not required to educate their children because they are residents of Connecticut. But denying children the right to public schooling is against federal law. The family’s lawyer says that under existing law, if a child lives in a house on the border of two towns within the same state, the child is entitled to attend school in either town. The kicker of it all is that the family pays property taxes to BOTH states who are gladly taking the family’s money.

FUN LIST

KIDS’ KITCHEN TERMS

  • BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted.
  • CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
  • DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.
  • EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
  • FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
  • REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
  • SODA POP: Shake ‘N Spray.
  • TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BELLY ARMOR FOR LAPTOP LOVING MOMS-TO-BE

Did you know that your laptop is just as dangerous to your unborn baby as your microwave?  So what do you do if you use your laptop on your lap?  One company has come up with a solution! 

Um — did you know that your laptop can be unsafe for your growing baby while you are pregnant? You obviously know not to stand in front of the microwave or have an x-ray or anything like that, but updating your Facebook status could be dangerous for your unborn baby?

It turns out that you may be unknowingly exposing your bun in the oven to radiation if you are doing your typing with your computer in your lap. And considering how many of us have laptops these days, well…

Luckily, there is this new product out that can help ensure that you can still safely use your laptop while pregnant. It’s called the Belly Armor Blanket (isn’t that a cute name?), and it’s basically a blanket that you drape over your baby bump while you are typing away on your laptop – think of it as that big lead-lined blanket you get when getting an x-ray taken.

The Belly Armor blankets retail from $69 to $109 at BellyArmor.com.  ***MARLAR: No need to exposure your baby to Twitter until after their born.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you’ve gained a few pounds lately and can’t figure out why, it’s possible your smartphone is to blame. Smartphone users are the new couch potatoes. Using a smartphone is a lot like watching television in that it can significantly decrease your levels of physical activity and fitness, according to researchers from Kent State University in Kent, Ohio. “Using a cell phone doesn’t have the same kind of negative stigma that sitting on the couch and watching TV has, but it can be just as bad for you,” study co-author Jacob Barkley told HealthDay News. On average, the students participating in the study spent almost five hours a day on their smartphones, including sending hundreds of text messages. Those who spent the most time on their phones — up to 14 hours a day — were less fit than those who averaged about 1.5 hours of use daily. Heavy smartphone users also reported engaging in more sedentary activities, such as watching TV and movies, using a computer and playing video games, than those who used their phones less.

If you want a healthy brain, stay in school and take the stairs. While those two recommendations seem completely unrelated to each other, it turns out that both will help keep your brain young, slowing down the aging of gray matter, according to researchers at Montreal’s Concordia University. The study measured the volume of gray matter found in participants’ brains because its decline, caused by neural shrinkage and neuronal loss, is a very visible part of the chronological aging process. Then they compared brain volume to the participants’ reported number of flights of stairs climbed and years of schooling completed. The results found brain age decreases by 0.95 years for each year of education, and by 0.58 years for every daily flight of stairs climbed.

The key to a long, happy marriage is apparently dependent on the husband’s personality. When men grow older with an agreeable disposition and are in good health, there are far fewer conflicts among couples who have been together a long time, according to researchers from the University of Chicago. Oddly, such characteristics in wives don’t play as much of a role in limiting marital conflict, perhaps due to different expectations among women and men in durable relationships. “Wives report more conflict if their husband is in poor health,” said lead study author James Iveniuk. “If the wife is in poor health, there doesn’t seem to be any difference in terms of the quality of the marriage for the husband.” The study found that wives whose husbands show higher levels of positivity reported less conflict. The happiness of the marriage can be summarized with this question: How much does your spouse bother you? The clashes are not primarily about fighting or violence, but rather whether one spouse criticizes the other, makes too many demands or generally gets on the other person’s nerves. Translation: Don’t turn into a grumpy old man, or you risk an unpleasant marriage or even divorce late in life.

People who exceeded three straight hours watching a single TV series were nearly twice as likely to have trouble falling or staying asleep as non-bingers. Such viewing can leave you mulling the plot, says researcher Jan Van den Buick, Ph.D. Mix up what you watch. (Men’s Health)

Quick – what was your favorite book as a child?  Got it?  Okay let me guess… “Cat In The Hat”, right?  No?  Well then it’s “Green Eggs and Ham.”  How’d I do?   It’s been 60 years since “The Cat in the Hat” came to our house to play. And as adults, we still remember how much we loved Sally and her brother’s antics when the cat in a red-and-white striped hat arrived in their house on a cold, rainy day. When the Harris Poll asked 2,193 adults to name their favorite childhood book–without prompting them with specific titles — “The Cat in the Hat,” by Dr. Seuss was the number one choice, followed by another Dr. Seuss classic, “Green Eggs and Ham.” The top 10 favorite children books:

1. “The Cat in the Hat,” by Dr. Seuss
2. “Green Eggs and Ham,” by Dr. Seuss
3. “Where the Wild Things Are,” by Maurice Sendak
4. Nancy Drew mysteries, created by Edward Stratemeyer
5. The Bible/Bible stories
6. “Charlotte’s Web,” by E.B. White
7-8. “Goodnight Moon,” by Margaret Wise Brown with illustrations by Clement Hurd and “Curious George,” by Hans Augusto Rey and Margret Rey (tie)

9. “Little Women,” by Louisa May Alcott

10. “The Giving Tree,” by Shel Silverstein

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Sylvia Bloom worked as a secretary at the same New York City law firm for most of her life. A practical woman and a hard worker, to the outside world she was modest and lived a frugal lifestyle—but she had a secret practice no one knew about.  She earned a meager annual income, never talked about money, and wasn’t living the ‘high life’. She was never showy and didn’t want to call attention to herself.  “She was a child of the Depression and she knew what it was like not to have money..” Bloom’s niece Jane Lockshin told The New York Times. “She had great empathy for other people who were needy and wanted everybody to have a fair shake.”  Secretaries, in those days, ran their boss’s lives, including their investments. Whenever she would see her boss make a stock pick— and purchase it for him—she would buy the same stock for herself, but in smaller amounts befitting her secretary’s salary.  She kept track of all the investments until she finally retired at age 96. When she died shortly thereafter, it was discovered that Ms. Bloom had amassed a huge fortune.  She never told anyone about it, but before her retirement from Cleary Gottlieb Steen & Hamilton, she had stashed away over nine million dollars.  “I don’t think she thought it was anybody’s business but her own,” says Lockshin.  She left some of it to friends and family in her will, but directed that all the rest was to be left to a charity in New York City that cares for the adults and children whom she thought needed it most.  The endowment, $6.24 million to the Henry Street Settlement, is being used to create a college scholarship fund, which is especially fitting since Ms. Bloom always regretted not going to law school – but her incredible donation will ensure that plenty of New Yorkers will have the opportunities she never took—and maybe even graduate from law school! (Good News Network)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Jeanette Ortiz had been a happy manager at a Chipotle in Fresno, Calif. For 14 years. She was pulling in $70,000 annually and all was well until December 2014 when she filed a worker’s comp claim over carpal tunnel syndrome. The following month she went on medical leave and was suddenly fired with her bosses accusing her of stealing $626 from the restaurant’s safe, an act they say was caught on video. Only problem was they refused to show her the video and then somehow managed to destroy it. So she sued, and jurors just awarded Ms. Ortiz $7.97 million in damages. Robert Hinckley, a lawyer for Chipotle, tried to make the case that the mother of nine took the money because she was in financial distress. Ortiz’s lawyer countered that the false claim was all part of a scheme to get rid of her over the worker’s comp claim, which was her fourth. Warren Paboojian further alleged that her superiors didn’t just destroy the supposed video evidence but also got rid of text messages and notes related to her firing. Chipotle said they’d appeal. (Fresno Bee)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

They should make a pre-pre-pre-pre-prequel to “Star Wars” and have it take place in the 90’s. It would clear up a lot of the confusion, and it’d be cool to see Brian Skywalker, M.C. Yoda and Darth Jennifer. –Pete Thompson

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 18, 2018…

Untitled Deadpool Sequel (a.k.a. “Deadpool 2”) —Ryan Reynolds has made this super-hero his own, including foul language and a bad sense of humor. Here comes the second installment, as of this time, without an actual title. In this film, Deadpool has a girlfriend (Morena Baccarin from television’s “Gotham”.) Here comes the villain, Cable (Josh Brolin) and Deadpool wants to do battle but needs help. The theme is a villain from the future hunting a talented teen from today. Deadpool gathers a crew to help from among the mutants.  Good luck, there. “Untitled Deadpool Sequel” is rated R and rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

Show Dogs—Another film about the arena, you say?  This one has a different idea, it’s about a police dog who goes “undercover” to catch crooks at a national dog show. Will the police dog stay on duty or be captivated by that cute little poodle who just strolled by. We shall see.  The cast includes Stanley Tucci, RuPaul, Will Arnett and Natasha Lyonne. “Show Dogs” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

Pope Francis: A Man Of His Word—This documentary by the noted director Wim Wenders takes us into the life of Pope Francis, shows us how he interprets his role as the Pope and how people react to him. “Pope Francis: A Man Of His Word” is rated PG. Rating of 3.

Book Club—This book club doesn’t read the best sellers as such, they got interested in “Fifty Shades of Grey” and it certainly opened their eyes.  The book club—Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen, Jane Fonda and Mary Steenburgen—suddenly find reading to be quite—interesting?  Then, come the guys—Andy Garcia, Richard Dreyfuss, Don Johnson and Craig T. Nelson—and away we go. “Book Club” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

MAY 25, 2018…

Solo and here comes another record breaker at the box office. Aidan Ehrenreich takes on the role of a young Han Solo in the “Star Wars” franchise.Harrison Ford will not be forgotten.

Mary Shelley is the story of the young girl who wrote “Frankenstein” almost 200 years ago.

Future World stars James Franco in a sci-fi film about a new world

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.