May 19, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I had a terrible, nerve-shattering experience on the way to work this morning. I thought I was going to be early!

A cable study says you can indeed become more violent by watching violence on TV. So does that mean if you watch too many campaign commercials you become a pathological liar?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. –John 15:4,5 NIV

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. — Hebrews 6:10

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. — Psalm 141:3

Thought: How important is our speech? Jesus said it revealed what was going on in our hearts. Proverbs repeatedly tells us that our words can wound or heal. The apostle Paul tells us to speak only what will benefit those who hear us. In light of these Scriptures, this prayer of David is very appropriate. Only God can help us tame the tongue and use its power to bless. Let’s invite him into our world of speech and ask him to take control of it as he does our hearts!

Prayer: Most holy and righteous Father, I don’t want my language to ever betray you or wound your children. Please help me redeem my speech and use it to glorify you, bless your children, and speak of salvation to those who do not know your Son. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ephesians 5:19 NIV = Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord…

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MAY 19, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
219 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL DEVIL’S FOOD CAKE DAY.  ***Can you still consider yourself a good Christian if you crave devil’s food cake?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Boys Club Day
Endangered Species Day
International Virtual Assistants Day
May Ray Day
O. Henry Pun-off Day
NASCAR Day
National Bike to Work Day
National Defense Transportation Day
National Pizza Party Day
National Scooter Day
National Hepatitus Testing Day
National Asian & Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, MAY 20

Armed Forces Day:
Bay to Breakers Race
Do Dah Day
Eliza Doolittle Day
Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
National Learn To Swim Day
Preakness
Morel Mushroom Day
Weights & Measures Day

SUNDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day
End of the World or Rapture Party Day
I Need A Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Neighbor Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
Soil Stewardship Day
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

MONDAY, MAY 22

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
US Colored Troops Day
Victoria Day
World Goth Day

TUESDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
Declaration of the Bab Day
International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
National Taffy Day
World Crohn’s and Colitis Day
World Turtle Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24

Aviation Maintenance Technician Day
Emergency Medical Services for Children Day
EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day
International Tiara Day
Morse Code Day

THURSDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday
National Missing Children’s Day
National Tap Dance Day
National Wine Day
Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day
Red Nose Day
Towel Day
Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day

FRIDAY, MAY 26

National Chardonnay Day
National Paper Airplane Day
World Lindy Hop Day
Don’t Fry Day
Heat Awareness Day
National Polka Day
National Title Track Day
National Wig Out Day

ON THIS DAY

1310: Shoes were designed specifically for the right and left foot for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.

1886: Eliza Donnithorne died in Sydney, Australia, 30 years after her fiancé left her waiting at the altar. In 30 years she never left her home and was still wearing her wedding dress when she died.

1896: The U.S. government issued patent #560,351 to Martin Goetz for the Dimple Maker. It was a standard brace-and-bit with a rounded tip on the bit to massage the spot round-and-round where you wanted to make the dimple.

1973: Singer Tanya Tucker got her first #1 country hit with “What’s Your Mama’s Name, Child?”

1977: Jean and Nicolette Besnard and their 3-year-old son left Montreal. They made the 2,800 miles to Vancouver in three months on a bicycle built for two.

1987: The movie “Ishtar,” starring Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, premiered throughout the U.S. to quickly become a national joke as one of Hollywood’s least exciting epics.

1991: A 31-year-old Cleveland skydiver survived a two-mile fall after her parachute failed to open. Jill Shields suffered spine and pelvic injuries when she landed in a swamp.

1992: U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle criticized the CBS sitcom “Murphy Brown” for having its title character decide to bear a child out of wedlock. (audio clip)

1994: Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died from cancer at age 64.

1995: Balamurali Ambati was graduated from Mount Sinai Medical School to become the world’s youngest doctor at age 17.

1996: CBS aired the final episode of “Murder, She Wrote,” starring Angela Lansbury. The show ran 12 seasons. (audio clip)

1997: In Rostock, Germany, Oskar the Stork took flight just one day after being fitted with an artificial leg. Five weeks earlier Oskar had landed in Rostock with one leg missing. The town adopted him, and the local prosthesis shop constructed a bright orange stork leg.

1997: Longtime couple Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker were married.

1999: Beckley, West Virginia, police arrested a 32-year-old man for stealing the same tools he had been convicted of stealing two years before. The tools had not been claimed, so the police planted them in a vehicle stake-out, and the suspect stole them again.

2004: Two men threw purple flour at British Prime Minister Tony Blair in the House of Commons.

2005: The film “Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith” grossed $50-million in opening day box office sales.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

804: Alcuin of York, an English scholar who became an adviser to Charlemagne and the most prominent figure in the Carolingian Renaissance (the rebirth of classical learning under Charlemagne), dies. He also devised a handwriting system using both small and capital letters for easier reading.

1805: Joshua V. Himes, best known for promoting William Miller’s Second Advent movement, is born. Miller predicted the Second Coming between 1843 and 1844. When this did not happen, many followers deserted; others reorganized themselves as Seventh-day Adventists

1971: The musical Godspell, based on Matthew’s gospel, opens at the Cherry Lane Theater in New York.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Singer/model/actress Grace Jones, 65

  • Former TV host (“Good Morning America”) David Hartman, 82

  • TV journalist (PBS) Jim Lehrer, 83

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1940 : Mickey Newbury

1945 : Pete Townshend (The Who)

1947 : Jerry Hyman (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1947 : Steve Currie (T-Rex)

1949 : Dusty Hill (ZZ Top)

1951 : Joey Ramone (Ramones), (born Jeffrey Ross Hyman)

1952 : Grace Jones

1952 : Barbara Joyce Lomas (B.T. Express)

1954 : Phil Rudd (AC/DC), (born Phillip Hugh Norman Witschke Rudzevecuis). Drummer

1962 : Iain Harvie (Del Amitri)

1972 : Jenny Berggren (Ace Of Base)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why should anything fit “to a T?”

If you were having clothes custom made for you, you might want them fit to a “U.” But what about a T? Could it be the way the letter looks, like a stick figure of a person standing with their arms hanging down, waiting to try on something? The origin of the expression *is* graphic, but the letter does not depict a person. The image evoked is that of a T-square, a piece of equipment that draftsmen (most were male) used to use with a drawing board, before computers, to make technical drawings. The T-square was simply two pieces of wood joined to form a right angle in the shape of the letter “T.” Placed against the edge of the drawing board and used to guide the pencil, it permitted one to draw exactly straight and perpendicular lines by hand. From which we get fitting to a T, or exactly.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

It’s May and Francesca Battistelli is already done touring for the year. In a new blog this week she posted: In April we played our last show of the year. I don’t think I’ve ever played my last show of the year in the spring! It was so much fun gathering the band and team one last time before baby comes in September. We also found out a couple of weeks ago that we’re having another BOY! School is almost out, which means pool time, beach time, popsicles every day, and just all the glorious things that come with no schedules! I haven’t had a summer this free in years, and we plan to soak it up. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUKkOm2Fh4a/

A reminder from David Dunn: You can’t say “lol” in text while your taking a video and I can hear you not laughing.

Mandisa says her Uber experience has been less than perfect recently. She posted: I’m starting to think I attract Uber drivers who smoke. I still smell it on my clothes 3 hours later.

A new Blog post from Third Day’s Mark Lee. The latest thoughts from the bands guitarist are titled: “The Superhero’s Guide to Time Management”. Read Mark’s thoughts on redeeming the time at https://medium.com/@marklee3d/the-superheros-guide-to-time-management-d325907690ab

A confession from Jimmy Needham: I have a scar on my knuckle from punching a brick wall as a 13 yr old after getting a bad hair cut.

Mercyme front man Bart Millard is passing on the baton. Bart posted a picture on instagram this week and added: Somebody has convinced their oldest son to get in the studio. However, Bart says he isn’t doing the recording. That task is being undertaken by Tim Timmons. Bart said: He has the gift of patience. I have the gift of laying on his sofa.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUGJKRfAeM_/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Now there’s a study that says taking a break from Facebook can dramatically brighten a person’s mood. ***I might have to try that. In fact, I should announce it on Facebook.

Researchers at Imperial College say their new study indicates that sugar-free and diet drinks are not helpful for weight loss and could even cause people to pile on the pounds. ***Strange… I don’t see high fructose corn syrup as a viable option on my Weight Watchers app.

If you’re trying to lose weight or just eat better so you’ll live longer, you may want stay home at mealtime. The average restaurant entree contains most of the calories, fat and salt you need for an entire day. The studies’ authors, who are from Tufts University and the University of Toronto, say this makes restaurants unhealthy places to eat because the food that is served not only adds to the obesity epidemic, but also increases diners’ risk for heart disease. Here’s the big gotcha of eating out: On most restaurants’ menus, the entrees range widely in calories, fat and salt, but there is no way for customers to know this information unless the menus contain such labeling. “There is no way to predict which meals are going to be the worst,” lead study author Mary Scourboutakos of the University of Toronto told HealthDay News. ***Fine, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll start staying at home for my meals as soon as the Cheesecake Factory begins offering home delivery.

Even if you are having a sad desk salad, grab a real fork, knife, or spoon. People who eat with heavy utensils enjoy food 10 percent more than those eating with cheaper flatware, a recent study finds. Coauthor Charles Michel, chef-in-residence at the University of Oxford says, “You’ll believe the quality of your food is better.” ***This is exactly why I bring out the good forks when sitting down to a bowl of puffy Cheetos.

If you want to live happily ever after, then beware Twitter! If you spend too much time tweeting, then it could have a negative effect on your marriage — even in stable, long-term relationships, reports HealthDay News. And that friction can be so intense it leads to cheating and breakups. Why? Time spent online is time spent away from your partner and family responsibilities. ***Well, that might explain Donald Trump’s marriages.

Michael Moore says he’s been working on a secret film that will end the Trump presidency. ***Has anything Michael Moore done actually affected anything? What we need is a secrety film that will end Michael Moore.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Trying to cut down on the sugar intake? Good luck with that – it’s everywhere. For example, one jar of pasta sauce can contain the equivalent of a candy bar’s worth of sugar. ****Now THAT sounds tasty… a chocolate bar with a pasta sauce center… mmmmm…

A study suggests that fumes from traffic jams cause brain damage. ***Which explains just about everything about Chicago drivers.

A UC-Berkeley professor claims that whiny, insecure children grow up to be conservatives. ***Ironically, obnoxious children who call the other kids names grow up to be liberal UC-Berkeley professors.

Reading, sending text messages and talking on the phone are among the things we do most when using the bathroom. Reading is the most popular toilet activity with Thirty-nine percent of us taking books, magazines or newspapers into the littlest room in the house. Twenty-one percent of those quizzed for the survey owned up to both sending text messages and chatting on their phone, while eighteen percent ponder their next meal and six percent say they ‘meditate’. ***That’s odd – I’d think the top thing to do when using the bathroom would be… using the bathroom.

While more than one in five Americans believe the best way to get rich is to win the lottery, 55 percent says saving something each month for many years is best. ***Which is really hard to do when you’re addicted to buying lottery tickets.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns! Last time, Cheetah Bonita decided she didn’t want to sing three-part harmony with her sisters any longer… she wanted to go solo. But both of her sisters hated that idea – and so did Gruffy Bear. Music in the jungle just wouldn’t be the same without that three part harmony. And then, Nozzles the Elephant stopped by…

CLOSE: Boy, it’s beginning to look like everybody wants to be solo – and nobody wants to harmonize! Tune in next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Climbing through your true love’s bedroom is only romantic in the movies. In real life it could be the start of a Moment of Duh!

18-year-old Jesse Laboiteaux, of Sycamore Township, Ohio, climbed through a window of his girlfriend’s bedroom. Bad news, the girl wasn’t there. Worse news, her dad was. The girl’s father heard the noise coming from his daughter’s room. When dad went to check it out, he found Jesse and delivered a smackdown. For his trouble, Jesse got two black eyes, along with burglary and assault charges.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO GET THROUGH A CROWDED HALLWAY

10. Hop like a kangaroo – that will make a scene.

9. Lick people.

8. Blow on the back of their necks.

7. Random Hugging.

6. Sing the Barney theme song… twice… three times… keep going.

5. Borrow sleeves in place of the tissues you forgot to bring with you.

4. Fumble with blueprints, look lost and mumble a lot of directions and the words “air duct”.

3. Show off your “sane” stamp that they gave you when you left the asylum.

2. Ask, “Can I be your friend?” to everyone.

1. Two words: Water gun.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Getting out of jury duty is not only a no-no… it can land you in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: It’s something that none of us look forward too, but are responsible for as citizens – jury duty. And many of us seem to look for ways to get out of it once we are summoned. Like Charles Vaughn, a Boston investment adviser. He was chosen to serve on a civil jury, but had business in New Jersey so he phoned the court claiming illness when he was actually calling from New Jersey on his cellular phone. When he returned to Massachusetts he was charged with contempt of court and fined $2000.

FILE #2: A carjacker in Boca Raton, Florida, got so lost, he called 911 to turn himself in so that the police could find him and rescue him.

FILE #3: Problems of Postmodern Policework: Flamboyant cross-dresser Donald Ray Johnson was arrested in Baton Rouge, La., in September on theft charges after police found him hiding in a closet. According to an Associated Press report, Johnson did not resist arrest, but he did ask police if they could wait a couple of minutes for him to fix his hair.

STRANGE LAW: If your house catches on fire in Connecticut, good luck. Fire trucks are restricted from exceeding 25 MPH… and that includes responding to a fire alarm.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

In Bloomfield Township, Michigan, 23-year-old Joshua Campbell was convicted of driving drunk.  But for some reason he has now filed  a lawsuit against the driver he hit – police officer Gary Davis! 

He’s actually asking the police department to pay him for the “humiliation,” “embarrassment” and physical injuries he received.  His argument is that Officer Davis unsafely turned around on Interstate 75 after making a routine traffic stop, and that it was this improper turnaround that caused the accident.  Couldn’t of course have anything to do with the fact that Joshua registered a 0.17 blood alcohol level and was going 90 miles per hour at the time.  Also, Officer Davis says the fact that there were patrol cars on the scene with flashing lights should have been a signal to Joshua to slow down just a bit.

PHONER PHUN

The Vatican now says you can be a Christian and believe in extra-terrestrials without conflict. What do you think – is there room within Christianity to believe in aliens from other planets?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who were Eliab, Abinadab, and Shammah?

ANSWER: David’s brothers (1 Samuel 16:6-13)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How fast, in miles per hour, does the fastest roller coaster in the U.S. go?

ANSWER: 128 mph, the “Kingda Ka” in Jackson, New Jersey.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. An undecagon has 30 sides to it. (False, only 11 sides)

2. Almost $400 million of Lipstick is sold every year, and experts say it’s because people are addicted to it. (False, Chapstick)

3. “Terminator 3” features the T-1000, a liquid metal, shape changing, killing machine. (False – that’d be Terminator 2)

4. Marion Crane was on the run in the movie “Psycho” because of a drug charge. (False, Stolen Money)

5. The World’s longest dogsled race is called the Zitrod. (False, the Iditarod)

6. “Hat trick” is a term typically used in the sport of golf. (False, Hockey)

7. Mars, Pennsylvania is the city they call Chocolate Town. (False, it’s Hershey)

8. It takes more than an hour to completely soft-boil an ostrich egg. (False, about 40 minutes)

9. There are only 10 countries world-wide in which people drive on the left-hand side of the road. (False, around 50)

10. There are 24 ways to make change for a United States dollar. (False, 293)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

____-EATING CROCODILE (DOG)

A 20 foot crocodile that had eaten up to nine pet dogs has been hauled out of a river in Australia.

The rogue croc was trapped at Daly River community, some 225 kilometers south of Darwin, where it was terrorizing residents and animals, the Northern Territory News said.

Community police officer Mark Casey told the newspaper his office had nine reports of dogs being taken by a crocodile, believed to be the animal caught, in a month.

“Crocs are an ever-present danger but you don’t see them,” he said.

“They can sit for days on end on the other side of the river and watch you go fishing off the same log or rock — that’s how they hunt.

“Next thing you know, bang, the dog’s gone.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an hour and a half. That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little chat. To their relief, Wilkerson had a ready explanation. “The Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I’d gotten used to my new dentures.” Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. “And as for last Sunday well, I’m afraid that I picked up my wife’s set of teeth by mistake!”

JOKE #2

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. “I will grant you three wishes,” said the genie. “But there is a catch.”

“What catch?” the man asked.

The genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted.”

“Well, I suppose I can live with that,” replied the elated man.

“What is your first wish?” asked the genie.

“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!”

Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. “Now every lawyer in the world has two new Ferraris,” said the genie.

“Next wish?”

“I’d love a million dollars,” replied the man.

Wham! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars,” said the genie.

“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got my million,” replied the man.

“What is your third and final wish?”

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

JOKE #3

A young man joins an order of monks and takes a vow of silence. However, he’s promised by the head monk that he can speak two words per year.  After the first year the head monk asks him his two words for the year. He replies, “More blankets.”

After his second year the head monk asks him again his two words for the year.  He replies, “More food.”

After the third year the head monk asks him his two words for the year.  He replies, “I’m leaving.”

The head monk says, “Thank goodness… you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!”

USELESS FACTS

A study sponsored by Travelodge found that 60% of workers sleep lousy on Sunday night.  ***Because they know they have to get up on Monday morning!

During a kiss as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged. ***So even if it’s just the two of you – it’s still a group kiss.

FEATURED FUNNIES

AGE IS A FUNNY THING

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? “I’m four and a half!” You’re never 36 and a half – you’re four and a half going on five!

That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens, you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony, you BECOME 21 – YES!!!

But then you turn 30. Ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now. What’s wrong?? What changed??

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Stay over there, it’s all slipping away…

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 – and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60. You didn’t think you’d make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it’s a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80’s, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won’t even buy green bananas – it’s an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90’s you start going backwards. I was JUST 92…

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

What was prehistoric dentistry like?

Even with all of the modern devices, equipment, and pain-killers today – going to the dentist is not something that anyone other than the dentist himself looks forward to (and I’m not even sure about the dentist). We think of dentistry as a fairly modern medicine, but now there’s evidence that it was happening in Asia 8,000 years ago! Back then, dentists (likely named Ogg) used stone-tipped drills to repair teeth. To prevent bacteria after drilling, the prehistoric dentist used plants to fill the cavities. ***MARLAR: The worst part was the wooly mammoth flavored fluoride treatments.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Jesus soon saw a great crowd of people climbing the hill, looking for him. Turning to Philip, he asked, “Philip, where can we buy bread to feed all these people?” He was testing Philip, for he already knew what he was going to do. Philip replied, “It would take a small fortune to feed them!” Then Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up. “There’s a young boy here with five barley loaves and two fish. . . .” John 6:5-9

Are you a disciple of Philip or a disciple of Andrew? There were obvious differences in their answers when Jesus asked both of them what they should do about the hungry multitude. His question was merely a test of their faith. Philip saw the facts. His whole perspective was intellectual and negative, without any regard for spiritual vision. Anyone can rehearse the facts to God, but the facts aren’t important to Him—He made the facts! Like Philip, the Israelites tested God’s patience on their journey through the wilderness (Psalm 106:14). They could see only the facts: no food, no water, and no meat. But Jesus was there all the time, ready to provide for whatever needs they had. Andrew, on the other hand, saw the vision. He had a spiritual and positive perspective that allowed God to work miracles. Jesus is with you in the wilderness, and you, like Andrew, can believe in Him for miracles. He already knows what wonders He wants to perform on your behalf. Will you be a disciple of Philip or of Andrew?

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DOING OUR PART

Read: 2 Kings 20:1-7

I have heard your prayer . . . ; surely I will heal you. On the third day you shall go up to the house of the Lord. —2 Kings 20:5

A runner at a school track meet crossed the finish line just ahead of his nearest rival. A bystander, noticing that the winner’s lips were moving during the last couple of laps, wondered what he was saying. So he asked him about it. “I was praying,” the runner answered. Pointing to his feet, he said, “I was saying, ‘You pick ’em up, Lord, and I’ll put ’em down.'” That athlete prayed for God’s help, but he also did what he could to answer his own prayer.

When we ask God for help, we must be willing to do whatever we can, using whatever means He gives. When Hezekiah heard that he was going to die, he prayed for a miracle, and God promised to extend his life 15 years. Then Isaiah gave instructions to place a lump of figs on the troublesome boil (2 Kings 20:5-7). God did the healing, but He used human effort and natural means.

A couple of children were walking to school one morning when it suddenly dawned on them that unless they really hurried they were going to be late. One of them suggested that they stop and pray that they wouldn’t be tardy. “No,” the other replied, “let’s pray while we run as fast as we can.”

When we ask the Lord to do something, we must also be ready to do our part. —Richard De Haan

Points To Ponder
How does the truth of today’s article apply to illness?
To receiving a job promotion? To social evils?
To final exams? To increasing faith?

Pray as if everything depends on God; work as if everything depends on you.

LEFTOVERS

Frog jumping is cancelled in one New Hampshire town… why?

The town of Rye, New Hampshire, will have one less activity at their annual Fourth of July celebration. Town officials voted to 2-1 to cancel their frog jumping contest, because they think it’s cruel to frogs!? The contest, based on the 1865 Mark Twain short story, “The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County”, has been a town tradition since 1975. One of the people against the competition, Jane Holway, said, “This may go back to Mark Twain, but so did cockfighting. We teach children not to step on a caterpillar, not to touch a bird’s nest. This is no different.” ***MARLAR: Really? I seem to remember that frogs regularly (and naturally) jump! I understand that’s what they do. Oh well, since when did someone with a cause want to hear logic?

LIFE… LIVE IT

GOIN’ TO GET MARRIED

June, or “Weddings Month,” is only a couple of weeks away and the times are a changing for modern brides and grooms. “Although couples may think they’re bucking tradition, they’re actually collectively creating new wedding rules,” says Christa Vagnozzi, senior editor of WeddingChannel.com. “Asking their best guy friend to be a man of honor, deciding to keep their last name and registering for their honeymoon are becoming more mainstream as brides and grooms strive to incorporate their personal style.” Here are the four new wedding traditions for the 21st century:

  • Gender-Bending Rituals — Man of honor? Best woman? Brides and grooms are no longer dismissing their best friends of the opposite sex when it comes to their wedding. In fact, according to a WeddingChannel.com poll, 63% of brides said that if their best friend were a guy, they would definitely ask him to be a bridesman or man of honor.

  • A Friend as the Officiate — According to a WeddingChannel.com poll, 59% of couples would be interested in having a friend or family member officiate.

  • The Name Game — Don’t make any assumptions when it comes to the bride’s last name. According to the Real Weddings Survey 2007 by The Knot Wedding Network, 12% of brides don’t plan on taking their spouse’s name upon marriage.

  • Alternative Wedding Registries — China and crystal are so yesterday. Brides and grooms are ditching traditional registries or augmenting them with such unusual gifts as horseback riding lessons, the honeymoon, a hi-definition plasma-screen TV and even donations to their favorite charity.

JUST FOR FUN

In 1963 a unique bag with a plastic zipper seal was introduced at a packaging trade show… the Ziplog Bag.  Most recently, the seal’s strength was demonstrated at a Riverton, Wyoming, school, where eighth-grade students discovered an uneaten sandwich in a Ziploc bag at the bottom of a locker. It had been there for months. Students were so impressed with the bag’s ability to seal in the odor (and mold growth) that they actually sent a thank-you letter (along with the sandwich) to the manufacturer, SC Johnson. In a letter back to the students, H. Fisk Johnson, the company chairman, called the locker “one of the toughest product test sites we’ve ever discovered.”

ALTERNATIVE USES FOR ZIPOC BAGS:

  • Knead dough. Place dough in a Ziploc bag so your fingers don’t get sticky. Or slip your hand into the bag and wear it like a glove.

  • Store panty hose. Nude, Tan, Nearly Naked — they look the same out of the package. Tear off the corner of the package listing the brand, size, and color, then slip it into a bag. Store each pair in its own bag to keep hose organized and prevent snags.

  • Remove chewing gum or candle wax from a tablecloth, a couch, or carpeting. Gently rub gum or wax with a Ziploc bag filled with ice cubes until the substance hardens. Shatter gum with a blunt object, then vacuum up the chips. Carefully peel off frozen wax with a plastic spatula.

  • Pipe frosting. Snip off a tiny corner to use a Ziploc as a pastry bag.

  • Store homemade soup. Fill up bags, then lay them flat in the freezer. When the bags of soup freeze flat, you’ll be able to pile them up like stacked books for easy, space-saving storage.

  • Protect precious cargo. No bubble wrap? Slip a straw into the top of a nearly closed Ziploc bag and inflate. Remove the straw and seal to make a cushion. (Heirlooms, however, should wait for that bubble wrap.)

  • Break up graham crackers or vanilla wafers to make a piecrust. Fill a bag with the cookies, then roll a rolling pin over it.

  • Prevent a handbag from turning into a snow globe. Store pressed powder and other compacts in Ziploc bags.

  • Gather herbs from the garden. Before winter frost sets in, wash, pat dry, and freeze the herbs in Ziploc bags.

  • Ice an injury. Fill a bag with ice cubes to create a cold compress.

FUN LIST

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Studies have shown that a person’s name can alter how they feel about themselves. It can have both positive and negative effects. So a name can be an important factor in one’s life. The next time you think you hate your name, just have a look at this list of real names from Oddee.com:

  • John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood

  • Thursday October Christian

  • Yahoo Serious

  • World B. Free

  • GoldenPalace.com

  • Ten Million

  • Adolf Lu Hitler Marak

  • Leone Sextus Denys Oswolf Fraudatifilius Tollemache-Tollemache de Orellana Plantagenet Tollemache-Tollemache

  • Byron Low Tax Looper

  • Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116

  • James Dr No From Russia with Love Goldfinger Thunderball You Only Live Twice On Her Majesty’s Secret Service Diamonds Are Forever Live and Let Die The Man with the Golden Gun The Spy Who Loved Me Moonraker For Your Eyes Only Octopussy A View to a Kill The Living Daylights License to Kill Golden Eye Tomorrow Never Dies The World Is Not Enough Die Another Day Casino Royale Bond

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

PLANNING FOR MY RETIREMENT

As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes are.  Then it hit me.  No nursing home for me!  Here is my plan: I’m checking into the Holiday Inn.  With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.  I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.  For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23 per night.  That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.  It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.  Plus, I’ll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer.  I’ll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap.  And I’ll be treated like a customer, not a patient.  Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.  There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.  The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp.  Ride the church bus free on Sundays.  For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.  While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere.  Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.  It takes months to get into decent nursing homes.  On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.  And you are not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.  Want to see Hawaii?  They have a Holiday Inn there, too.  TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.  They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.  The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK.  If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.  If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.  And no worries about visits from family.  They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation.  The grandkids can use the pool.  What more can you ask for?  When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees.  Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV — all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.  After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.  Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends.  Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program.  You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you.  Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.  Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well.  If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you’ll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same.  And if you’re getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room — your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.  Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan.  I’m happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more.  They even offered to negotiate the rate.  We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!  So, when I reach the golden age I’ll face it with a grin.  Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The name you give to a newborn baby says more about the child’s parents than it does about the child. A name communicates a wealth of social information, including the parents’ tastes and background. “We’re in the middle of a naming revolution,” commented Laura Wattenberg, author of “The Baby Name Wizard.” Half the babies born in the 1950s were given one of the top 25 most common boys’ names or one of the top 50 most common girls’ names. Fast forward to today, and you would have to list the 134 most popular boys’ names and top 320 girls’ names to cover half the babies born in a year. A baby’s name indicates the parents’ values and tastes and often their dreams and ambitions for their child. So, what is most different today than 50 years ago? Parents today tend to believe their baby’s name should be a unique signifier that separates them from everyone else, while in the past names never had to be unique.

The belief that men become quarrelsome curmudgeons when they get old is bogus, says a recent study. Researchers discovered it’s the younger generation who look to the future with a jaundiced eye and expect the worst. Meanwhile, most seniors fondly recall the past and often view the world with positive expectations. The study involved two groups, 19 to 31 year olds and 61 and 80 year olds, who were asked to view photographs while brain scans analyzed their reactions. The scientists at the University of Auckland found that the old and the young processed both happy and pessimistic scenes dramatically differently in their minds. The results suggest that elderly folks are more prone to remember joyful moments than their younger counterparts.

Put down the soda. Skip the fruit juice. Consuming just two sweetened beverages a day appears to significantly increase the risk of heart failure, a condition that occurs when the heart is too weak to pump enough blood to meet the body’s needs. The study found that the men who drank two or more servings of sweetened beverages a day had a 23 percent higher risk of suffering heart failure. This isn’t all that surprising. Sweetened drinks have long been linked to an increased risk of stroke, type 2 diabetes, obesity, heart disease and hypertension. While the study only included men, it’s expected that the association between sweetened beverages and an increased risk of heart failure would also apply to women. ***And this is why I will always be thankful for Splenda.

One way the hackers can hack you is by setting up Wi-Fi networks and giving them names, like Google, Starbucks, or attwifi, that your device is used to seeing. Thinking it’s a legitimate network, the device automatically connects and, voila, the bad guys have an in to the data on your computer or phone. The easiest way to avoid this is to keep Wi-Fi turned off until you need it, but that sacrifices a lot of convenience. Instead, go into the Wi-Fi settings on your device and turn off the “auto-join” setting on every network with a generic name. (Popular Mechanics)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

People who do lots of work make lots of mistakes.  People who do less work make less mistakes.   People who do no work make no mistakes.  People who make no mistakes get promoted.  That’s why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work.  I need a promotion.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 19, 2017…

Alien: Covenant—This is a prequel to “Prometheus” and is about a colony ship called Covenant that ends up on a new planet to live on, but discovers something truly horrible. The universe is not kind with its distant life forms. The cast includes Michael Fassbinder, Noomi Repace, Katherine Waterston, Guy Pearce and James Franco. “Alien: Covenant” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul—The Kid (Jason Drucker) and his brother, Rodnick (Charley Wright) go with their parents (Alicia Silverstone and Tom Everett Scott) on a road trip to visit relatives. Yawn, what is thought by the kids to be snooze time turns into something rather funny. “Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the books and films.

Champion—This film about dirt racing stars Gary Graham and Andrew Cheney. It is a story of competition between two men and an accident that changes everything. Faith Renee Kennedy is also in the cast. “Champion” is rated PG. No rating.

The Black Prince (opening in select cities)— Jason Flemyng plays the last great ruler of India, the Punjab and realizes that the British Empire is there to stay, so what to do? Alexa Morden plays young Queen Victoria. “The Black Prince“ is rated PG 13. No rating.

Everything, Everything—A young girl is born with a disease that means she must stay inside during her lifetime. Oh, what to do? One thing is to watch the new neighbors next door and perhaps, a budding romance? Stars Anika Nooni Rose.

MAY 26, 2017…

Bay Watch stars Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron and need I write more?

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales and this one stars Johnny Depp. Again—need I write more?

Drone has Sean Bean as a military drone operator who faces consequences.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.