May 20, 2017: Saturday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20170520
PDF: 20170520

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It’s (THE JOCK SHOW); recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors that recommend radio shows to their patients that listen to radio shows.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

[The Lord says,] “Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. –Isaiah 46:4

Oh, the depth and riches of the wisdom and the knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out. — Romans 11:33

Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil, to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies. — Psalm 141:4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ… — Romans 5:1

Thought: The cost of peace is always high. Our peace was purchased by Jesus’ enormous sacrifice. God made sure the price for our rebellion was paid, but he didn’t make us pay it because we could never have fulfilled our obligation. Instead, God paid it himself in Jesus.

Prayer: Holy and loving Father, thank you for making peace and bringing me back to you at great cost to yourself. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for willingly surrendering yourself to the horrible cruelty of the Cross. Thank you that I’m not treated as your enemy because of my sin, but as a lost sheep that needs to be found. Thank you for adopting me as your beloved child. In Jesus’ name I offer my thanks and praise. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

2 Corinthians 5:20 NIV = We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – MAY 20, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
218 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL TAKE YOUR CAT TO WORK DAY. ***Take him to the Xerox room and make him a copy cat!

Today is SHOW YOUR NAVEL DAY. ***Which I am doing – I brought oranges to work for lunch. You thought I was going somewhere else with this, didn’t ya?

Today is WEIGHTS AND MEASURES DAY. ***The least popular day of the year for unscrupulous business owners or members of Weight-Watchers.

May is NATIONAL BIKE TO WORK MONTH.  ***I’d challenge you to do it just like I do every day, but seeing as I live less than half-a-mile to work, biking really isn’t all that impressive.  But hey, if you can do it, it’d be a great way to protest high gas prices!

Today is GO FLY A KITE WITH YOUR KIDS AFTER WORK DAY.  ***And if you don’t have kids, just tell someone to go fly a kite.

INTERNATIONAL PICKLE WEEK begins today, honoring the world’s funniest vegetable. (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Armed Forces Day:
Bay to Breakers Race
Do Dah Day
Eliza Doolittle Day
Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
National Learn To Swim Day
Preakness
Morel Mushroom Day
Weights & Measures Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SUNDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day
End of the World or Rapture Party Day
I Need A Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Neighbor Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
Soil Stewardship Day
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

MONDAY, MAY 22

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
US Colored Troops Day
Victoria Day
World Goth Day

TUESDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
Declaration of the Bab Day
International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
National Taffy Day
World Crohn’s and Colitis Day
World Turtle Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24

Aviation Maintenance Technician Day
Emergency Medical Services for Children Day
EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day
International Tiara Day
Morse Code Day

THURSDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday
National Missing Children’s Day
National Tap Dance Day
National Wine Day
Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day
Red Nose Day
Towel Day
Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day

FRIDAY, MAY 26

National Chardonnay Day
National Paper Airplane Day
World Lindy Hop Day
Don’t Fry Day
Heat Awareness Day
National Polka Day
National Title Track Day
National Wig Out Day

SATURDAY, MAY 27

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)
Cellophane Tape Day
International Heritage Breeds Day
Julia Pierpont Day
Ramadan

SUNDAY, MAY 28

Menstrual Hygiene Day
National Hamburger Day
Sierra Club Day
Slugs Return From Capistrano Day
Indianapolis 500

MONDAY, MAY 29

Learn About Composting Day
Memorial Day
Prayer for Peace Memorial Day
International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers
Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day

ON THIS DAY

1506: Christopher Columbus died in Spain. There was no notice given of his death; only a few attended the funeral. Nobody knows for sure where he’s buried, though some believe his remains were moved to the Dominican Republic.

1878: William R. Featherstone died in Montreal at age 32. The Canadian Methodist wrote the hymn “My Jesus, I Love Thee.”

1916: Saturday Evening Post published artist Norman Rockwell’s first cover. It depicted a boy having to care for his infant sibling, pushing a baby carriage, while his buddies set off the play ball.

1942: Glenn Miller and His Orchestra recorded “(I’ve Got a Gal in) Kalamazoo” at Victor Studios in Hollywood.

1956: In what may be major-league baseball’s wildest wild pitch, the ball slipped out of the hand of Washington Senator southpaw Chuck Stobbs and landed 30 rows up in the stands on the first-base side of home plate.

1971: Singer Peter Cetera lost four teeth and had to have major plastic surgery after being mugged at a Cubs game in Chicago.

1988: Champ bull rider Lane Frost became the first cowboy to ride Red Rock to the 8-second bell. In the previous eight years, 312 cowboys had tried unsuccessfully to ride the rodeo circuit’s toughest bull.

1993: To celebrate the final episode of TV’s Cheers, Jay Leno did The Tonight Show live from the Bull & Finch bar. Ironically, most of the Cheers cast seemed to be drunk. (audio clip)

1995: Singer Don Henley married model Sharon Summerall in Malibu. Witnesses included Bruce Springsteen, Tony Bennett, Sheryl Crow, Sting, Billy Joel, and the Chieftains.

1997: News agencies reported that Don Gorske of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, had eaten 14,837 Big Macs since 1973 when he was 17 and drove his first car to McDonalds. Don loves Big Macs. He proposed to his wife in a McDonald’s parking lot.

2001: Burglars entered a warehouse near Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, disconnected the video security system, and made off with $526,000 worth of extra-strength throat lozenges. Police said the warehouse was full of other items, but only the lozenges were taken.

2003: The Argentine women’s magazine “Claudia” apologized for a tip that led to more than 100 microwave explosions. The magazine had said women could restore old bottles of nail polish by microwaving them for three minutes. But many of the women who tried reported chemical reaction made their microwaves explode.

2007: A wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over in the city of Schwerin for using the road and found he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers. Police decided they couldn’t legally impound the 31-year-old man’s wheelchair, but they insisted he would face some type of punishment.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

325: Emperor Constantine convenes the first Ecumenical Council in Nicea (now Iznik), Bithynia, to discuss Arianism, a heresy arguing Jesus was not divine. “I entreat you,” Constantine said at the opening of the Council of Nicea, “to remove the causes of dissension among you and to establish peace.” The council attempted to resolve the bitter conflict by anathematizing Arius (Arianism’s founder) and ordering the burning of all his books, but the conflict continued to rage for decades.

1232: Anthony of Padua is canonized. Many miracles were attributed to him.

1277: Pope John XXI dies when his castle ceiling collapses on him. The name was a mistake—there was never a John XX.

1506: Christopher Columbus, who saw himself as a missionary, not just an explorer, dies impoverished in Spain at age 55. “I hope in our Lord that it will be the greatest honor to Christianity that, unexpectedly, has ever come about,” he concluded in the log of his first voyage to the Americas.

1527: Anabaptist leader Michael Sattler has his tongue cut out, is tortured and burned as an archheretic. Once a

monk, he was appalled by the corruption he saw around him and joined the Anabaptists after serious Bible study.

1593: Arminius challenges his Dutch Calvinist opponents to show anything in scripture contrary to his preaching.

1690: John Eliot, English missionary to the Native Americans of New England and publisher of the first Bible printed in America, dies.

1960: Six months before John F. Kennedy, a Roman Catholic, is elected president of the United States, the Southern Baptist Convention condemns the election of Catholics to public office. “When a public official is inescapably bound by the dogma and demands of the church,” it declared, “he cannot consistently separate himself from these.

1874: Ira Sankey, who sings in Moody’s revival services, finds the words to his popular song, “The Lost Sheep,” sets them to music, and sings it the next day for the first time.

1937: Jesse Overholtzer charters the Child Evangelism Fellowship.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Home Alone, “24”) Angela Goethals 40

  • Model Naomi Campbell, 47

  • actress (“Facts of Life”) Mindy Cohn 51 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Balki on “Perfect Strangers”) Bronson Pinchot, 58 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Strange Brew, “Second City Television – SCTV”, “Grace Under Fire,” Stripes) Dave Thomas, 68 (audio clip)

  • Singer/actress (Moonstruck, Mask) Cher, 71

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1901 : Jimmy Blythe

1925 : Vic Ames (The Ames Brothers)

1930 : Teddy Randazzo

1939 : Sal Mineo

1940 : Shorty Long

1942 : Jill Jackson (Paul & Paula)

1944 : Joe Cocker

1946 : Cher

1954 : Jimmy Henderson (Black Oak Arkansas)

1955 : Steve George (Mr. Mister)

1958 : Jane Wiedlin (Go-Go’s)

1958 : Jane Wiedlin (Go-Go’s)

1960 : Susan Cowsill (The Cowsills)

1966 : Tom Garman (Belly)

1972 : Busta Rhymes

1984 : Naturi Naughton (3LW)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why does frightening someone sometimes cure hiccups?
Frightening people is often a useful social tool. For example, Mafia loan officers use the technique as a practical reminder that you must pay back your loan when it’s due, or you will find yourself in deep due. So why shouldn’t fright have medical applications as well? Hiccups happen when something irritates the nerves that control the diaphragm. The result is spasms. Maybe you ate or drank too fast or too much. Really, who cares what caused it, you just want to stop it. The way to do that is to fool those nerves. Since the same nerves also influence your heartbeat and blood pressure, why not divert them with something that will force them to stop diddling your diaphragm and direct their attention elsewhere? Fright does that. I recently tried this with a friend of mine. I should say former friend though… because it worked. Perhaps a bit too well. And my, was he scared. He stopped hiccupping immediately, and barfed on my beige rug.
Source: EVER WONDER WHY? By Douglas B. Smith

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

It’s May and Francesca Battistelli is already done touring for the year. In a new blog this week she posted: In April we played our last show of the year. I don’t think I’ve ever played my last show of the year in the spring! It was so much fun gathering the band and team one last time before baby comes in September. We also found out a couple of weeks ago that we’re having another BOY! School is almost out, which means pool time, beach time, popsicles every day, and just all the glorious things that come with no schedules! I haven’t had a summer this free in years, and we plan to soak it up. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUKkOm2Fh4a/

A reminder from David Dunn: You can’t say “lol” in text while your taking a video and I can hear you not laughing.

Mandisa says her Uber experience has been less than perfect recently. She posted: I’m starting to think I attract Uber drivers who smoke. I still smell it on my clothes 3 hours later.

A new Blog post from Third Day’s Mark Lee. The latest thoughts from the bands guitarist are titled: “The Superhero’s Guide to Time Management”. Read Mark’s thoughts on redeeming the time at https://medium.com/@marklee3d/the-superheros-guide-to-time-management-d325907690ab

A confession from Jimmy Needham: I have a scar on my knuckle from punching a brick wall as a 13 yr old after getting a bad hair cut.

Mercyme front man Bart Millard is passing on the baton. Bart posted a picture on instagram this week and added: Somebody has convinced their oldest son to get in the studio. However, Bart says he isn’t doing the recording. That task is being undertaken by Tim Timmons. Bart said: He has the gift of patience. I have the gift of laying on his sofa.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUGJKRfAeM_/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided she no longer wanted to sing with her sisters and decided to go solo. So the Cheetah Sisters held auditions to find a replacement. And that wasn’t going very well. And Cheetah Bonita’s solo career was also having difficulties, because the BAND wanted to be solo too!

CLOSE: Now even the individual band members want to have solos? If this keeps up everybody will be doing solos – but nobody will be listening, because they’ll be too busy with their own solos! Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Sometimes it’s best to leave your exterminating needs to the professionals.

81-year-old Luciano Mares, of Fort Sumner, New Mexico, caught a mouse inside his house and decided to show the mouse who was boss by tossing it onto a pile of burning leaves. Alas, it was the mouse who got the last laugh. The blazing rodent made a hasty exit from the leaves and ran back to the man’s house, setting it on fire. Mr. Mares told the story from a local motel where he was forced to move after his house was destroyed.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

10. Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

9. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

8. For the word of God is quick and powerful…piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

7. The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working…

6. Don’t forget that elections for Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess will be held at next month’s business meeting.

5. We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

4. There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.

3. Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows

2. Child care provided with reservations.

1. Tonight, Pastor will preach on “Diving Healing.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Today’s files of Law & Disorder take us to Connecticut where a man, studying to be a police officer, ends up getting arrested!

FILE #1: A man in West Hartford, Connecticut had passed the written, oral, and physical agility tests in order to become a police officer. But during his face-to-face interview with the police chief he casually mentioned that he owned a handgun without a permit and that the chief could come and see it in his car, if he’d like. The police chief did want to see it… and then had the man arrested for owning a firearm without a license, and having a handgun in a vehicle. What was the recruits reply to being handcuffed and taken away? He asked, “Does this mean I’m not getting the job?”

FILE #2: When robbing a bank, make sure you don’t use your own car as the getaway vehicle — especially if it has your personalized license plate WITH YOUR NAME ON IT! Alas that’s exactly what one robber did in England. Blundering James Snell was spotted in his BMW with the registration “J4MES” leaving the scene of the crime where he and his buddies smashed a bank window and stole over $200,000. The car was found at a house where James and his brother were caught red-handed with the money. The Snells and two other accomplices were all found guilty.

FILE #3: Kind of have to wonder who’s doing the thinking at Noranside Prison, near Forfar, Scotland. In a cost-cutting move, Many of the 100 prisoners currently housed there will be released for the entire week of Christmas. Serious offenders, including killers, could be among those turned loose although no final decision has been made by authorities. A community safety spokesman, John Lamont, is outraged and said, “Many victims of these criminals, and families of those killed, are still bearing emotional or physical scars and they will have to watch in horror as they are sent home to enjoy a week with their families. Where is the justice in that?” If it makes you feel better, the prisoners being released have to promise to come back.

STRANGE LAW: Hey! Don’t frown at a policeman in New Jersey, it’s illegal and you could get arrested.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A criminal tries kidnapping to make money… by kidnapping plants!

Investigators in the Florida Keys say they lured a suspected marijuana grower into turning himself in by leaving a ransom note in place of six seized pot plants. The sheriff’s office in Monroe County says detectives discovered the plants in a wooded lot and confiscated them. They left a phone number on a note that read: “Thanks for the grow! You want them back? Call for the price.” Steven Alan Locasio called the number about 10 minutes later. Locasio offered $200 for the plants, and detectives agreed to meet him for an exchange. Locasio was arrested and booked into jail on drug charges.

PHONER PHUN

We complain every morning about how tired we are, and how we only got five hours of sleep, maybe six… but I know we can’t be the champions of least sleep. Who gets the least amount of sleep each night? Who gets the most?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was surnamed “the sons of thunder?

ANSWER: James and John (Mark 3:17)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How high on the pop music chart did “Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog peak?

ANSWER: in 1979 “Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog peaked at #25 on the Billboard Hot 100 pop music chart.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Napoleon Bonaparte was terrified of cats. (True)

2. The novel “Gadsby” does not contain the letter “E.” (True)

3. The can opener was invented two weeks after the can itself. (False, 50 years)

4. The youngest ever Pope was only 10 years old. (False, he was 11)

5. Fingernails grow faster than toenails. (True)

6. Celine Dion is one of fourteen children. (True)

7. The Sun Bowl is played in Austin, TX. (False, El Paso, TX)

8. There are 63 zeros in a vigintillion. (True)

9. The first manually controlled, patented traffic light was installed in 1914 in Cleveland, Ohio. (True)

10. NASCAR was formed in 1950. (False, 1948)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Dominos Pizza Starts ______” (Wedding Registry)

Yep, along with fine china and towels, soon-to-be-married couples can now set up wedding registry with Dominos Pizza! The registry is basically e-gift cards of various denominations, so friends and family can treat the couple to everything from food for a bachelorette party to a post-nuptials date night.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, “For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son’s reply was: “Now plant your potatoes, Dad; it’s the best I could do at this time.”

JOKE #2

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.  The Optimist owned a huntin’ dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.  They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.   The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, “What do you think about that?”

The Pessimist replied, “That dog obviously doesn’t know how to swim.”

JOKE #3

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.

They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.” The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.

Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

USELESS FACTS

Cheetahs are the fastest land animal and can reach speeds up to 72mph.  ***Unless they’ve already stuffed themselves with Cheetos.

Mothers who are over 40 at the time of a child’s birth are 128% more likely to have a left-handed baby than a woman in her 20s.  ***And that’s enough reason right there not to have children past the age of 40.  You can never find left-handed scissors when you need them!

FEATURED FUNNIES

FIRST DATE
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.  He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.  Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.
He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?”

She says “No,” and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.  He asks, “Do you have a brother?”

Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card.  He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DRIVE-THRU

We all know that using our cell phones while driving is a bad thing… but so is eating while driving – as one man found out recently!

I heard recently that a great number of accidents occur each year because of people eating while driving… and this story takes it one step past that. John Mathis of Florida was eating a hamburger while driving. Suddenly, a big bite got lodged in his throat and he began to choke. As he lost control of his car, he crashed head into a power pole — the force of which sent the meat shooting from his mouth thereby saving his life.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE ANT AND THE CONTACT LENS

Brenda was a young woman who was invited to go rock climbing. Although she was very scared, she went with her group to a tremendous granite cliff. In spite of her fear, she put on the gear, took a hold on the rope, and started up the face of that rock. Well, she got to a ledge where she could take a breather. As she was hanging on there, the safety rope snapped against Brenda’s eye and knocked out her contact lens. Well, here she is, on a rock ledge, with hundreds of feet below her and hundreds of feet above her. Of course, she looked and looked and looked, hoping it had landed on the ledge, but it just wasn’t there. Here she was, far from home, her sight now blurry. She was desperate and began to get upset, so she prayed to the Lord to help her to find it. When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but there was no contact lens to be found. She sat down, despondent, with the rest of the party, waiting for the rest of them to make it up the face of the cliff. She looked out across range after range of mountains, thinking of that verse that says, “The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth.” She thought, “Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me.” Finally, they walked down the trail to the bottom. At the bottom there was a new party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, “Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?” Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across the face of the rock, carrying it on it’s back. Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a picture of an ant lugging that contact lens with the words, “Lord, I don’t know why You want me to carry this thing. I can’t eat it, and it’s awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I’ll carry it for You.” I think it would probably do some of us good to occasionally say, “God, I don’t know why you want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it’s awfully heavy. But, if you want me to carry it, I will.” God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HEADLINE EVENT

Read: John 13:33-14:3

Behold, He is coming with clouds, and every eye will see Him. —Revelation 1:7

Did you know that the largest type used by most newspapers for headlines of astounding events has been called “second coming” type? These heavy, black letters are reserved for only the most amazing front-page news stories. This dramatic type has been used to announce the beginning and end of wars, moon landings, presidential election winners, natural disasters, and other significant events.

One day mankind will witness the great event for which the “second coming” type was named—the return of Jesus Christ. And what a day that will be! The One who ascended to heaven long ago will return to this earth. When our Lord comes back, it will be such a phenomenal occurrence that it will command worldwide attention.

The day Jesus told His disciples that He would be leaving them, Peter was filled with questions (John 13:36-37). Jesus didn’t explain when He would return, but He reassured His disciples that He was going to prepare a place for them and one day “come again” (14:2-3).

When the Savior comes back, His return will command the attention of all earth’s inhabitants. It will be a headline event! —Dave Egner

When Christ the Lord returns to reign,
The world will know of that event,
For everyone shall see His face
And know the reason He was sent. —Hess

Even so, come, Lord Jesus! —Revelation 22:20

LEFTOVERS

THINK BEFORE YOU ANSWER

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think about it for a second. Would you pick up the dying old lady, the friend who once saved your life, or the perfect man/woman you’ve been dreaming about?

Think carefully – this question was once used by some companies as part of the job-interview process. It’s a moral/ethical dilemma that gives people insight to the kind of person you might be.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first, or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

When given this test one candidate was hired (out of 200 applicants) who gave the following answer: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

GET SOME SLEEP

Shuteye.com says the first step to kicking insomnia is to regain control over your sleep, which means making a few changes to your lifestyle and environment. Shuteye.com offers these tips for doing just that:

  • Prepare for sleep by getting your mind into “sleep mode.”

  • Relax your body. This could mean relaxation, or just taking a warm bath.

  • Unwind mentally by reading or listening to music.

  • Bedtime is not problem-solving time. So that you don’t start worrying the second your head hits the pillow, make a list of your problems with “next steps” you’ll act on the following day.

  • Eat a snack that is high in carbohydrates, such as toast or a bagel. Avoid heavy, spicy, or high-sugar foods.

  • Follow the same schedule every night.

  • Go to bed and get up at the same time every day–even on weekends. This is a little trick you can play on your mind and body so both become conditioned to expect sleep at a regular time. Make your bedroom sleep-friendly.

  • Get rid of the noise. That means turn off radios, televisions, and stereos in the bedroom and all other rooms in your house. Can’t control the noise? Get earplugs.

  • Reduce light. Light not only affects your eyes, it also affects the way your brain produces hormones that regulate your sleep cycle. Even a little bit of light can disrupt your sleep. If you can’t control the light, wear a sleep mask.

  • Adjust the room temperature. If you’re too warm or too cold, you won’t sleep soundly. Fiddle with the thermostat, change your pajamas, adjust the bedding, and open or close windows as needed.

  • Move the clock. If you can’t see the time, it won’t make you as anxious if you can’t sleep.

  • Help the dog or cat find a new place to sleep other than at the end of your bed.

  • Does your partner snore or toss and turn–and awaken you in the process? Consider getting a larger bed or even using separate beds – even separate bedrooms if need-be.

  • Whatever you do, don’t do these things as they’ll keep you awake or disturb your sleep: Exercise within three hours of bedtime, smoke, drink alcohol or caffeinated beverages before bedtime.

  • One little trick that might help: If you can’t fall asleep, try warming your feet.

JUST FOR FUN

FROM: Radio Station Human Resources Department
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, station employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a “Restroom Trip Bank” will be established for each station employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Radio Station Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Station employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee’s Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee’s voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Radio Station Employee Relations Office. Anyone’s picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

FUN LIST

TOO MUCH OF THE INTERNET
You know you’ve been on-line too long when:

  • You think an obituary says a funeral will be followed by the “Internet” in a cemetery.

  • Someone says she put on net stockings, and you wonder if they’re made out of World Wide Web.

  • You ask a friend, “What’s that big shiny thing?” He says “It’s the sun.”

  • You think Webster’s Dictionary is a directory of WEB sites.

  • You think rec room is a new newsgroup.

  • You see a mosaic display at the art gallery and wonder how to access it without a mouse.

  • Someone slips a disk, and you offer to format them another one.

  • You think “intelligent” means a refined computer user.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

EIGHT WAYS TO GET YOUR KIDS TO TALK TO YOU (by Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers)

  1. Get Active: Experts agree kids will chat more with you while you’re busy doing a physical activity together. Even if you have a demanding work schedule, a mini hike on the weekend or even walking into town for ice cream, can inspire meaningful conversation or simple fun.

  2. Family Game Night: This may seem corny for some, especially teens, but give it a go anyway. Experts say it works if you incorporate your kids’ interests.

  3. Family Dinner: Teenagers who eat with their families at least five times a week are more likely to get better grades in school and less likely to have substance abuse problems.

  4. Volunteer at School: It may not be feasible to volunteer often at your children’s schools, but if possible, find out all the different events and activities with parent involvement and sign up for one. Dipping into your kids’ worlds at school opens up a host of things to talk about.

  5. Sleep Talk Therapy: Can’t squeeze-in quality time during the day? Try it at night!  Yep – while your child is sleeping, talk to them softly!  It might help them open up to you during waking hours!

  6. Limiting ‘Kids’ Exit Strategies’: Zone-out toys. For some it’s video games, for others it’s online chats; Facebook, texting, watching TV or other solitary activities that keep kids away, silent and in their own worlds. Put limits on these and offer up fun activities to do together when possible. Again, base these activities on their interests!

  7. A Family Pet: If you have the space and finances, a family pet, like a dog that needs to be walked every day, is a great way to bring unconditional love, silliness (and activity) into the family.

  8. Stay Present and Patient: It’s hard to connect to a parent who has his laptop on his knees at all times, so try to leave your work behind when you’re at home and hanging out with your family.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The name you give to a newborn baby says more about the child’s parents than it does about the child. A name communicates a wealth of social information, including the parents’ tastes and background. “We’re in the middle of a naming revolution,” commented Laura Wattenberg, author of “The Baby Name Wizard.” Half the babies born in the 1950s were given one of the top 25 most common boys’ names or one of the top 50 most common girls’ names. Fast forward to today, and you would have to list the 134 most popular boys’ names and top 320 girls’ names to cover half the babies born in a year. A baby’s name indicates the parents’ values and tastes and often their dreams and ambitions for their child. So, what is most different today than 50 years ago? Parents today tend to believe their baby’s name should be a unique signifier that separates them from everyone else, while in the past names never had to be unique.

The belief that men become quarrelsome curmudgeons when they get old is bogus, says a recent study. Researchers discovered it’s the younger generation who look to the future with a jaundiced eye and expect the worst. Meanwhile, most seniors fondly recall the past and often view the world with positive expectations. The study involved two groups, 19 to 31 year olds and 61 and 80 year olds, who were asked to view photographs while brain scans analyzed their reactions. The scientists at the University of Auckland found that the old and the young processed both happy and pessimistic scenes dramatically differently in their minds. The results suggest that elderly folks are more prone to remember joyful moments than their younger counterparts.

Put down the soda. Skip the fruit juice. Consuming just two sweetened beverages a day appears to significantly increase the risk of heart failure, a condition that occurs when the heart is too weak to pump enough blood to meet the body’s needs. The study found that the men who drank two or more servings of sweetened beverages a day had a 23 percent higher risk of suffering heart failure. This isn’t all that surprising. Sweetened drinks have long been linked to an increased risk of stroke, type 2 diabetes, obesity, heart disease and hypertension. While the study only included men, it’s expected that the association between sweetened beverages and an increased risk of heart failure would also apply to women. ***And this is why I will always be thankful for Splenda.

One way the hackers can hack you is by setting up Wi-Fi networks and giving them names, like Google, Starbucks, or attwifi, that your device is used to seeing. Thinking it’s a legitimate network, the device automatically connects and, voila, the bad guys have an in to the data on your computer or phone. The easiest way to avoid this is to keep Wi-Fi turned off until you need it, but that sacrifices a lot of convenience. Instead, go into the Wi-Fi settings on your device and turn off the “auto-join” setting on every network with a generic name. (Popular Mechanics)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I want you to know I think of this show as spending quality time with friends. And I think of my paycheck as spending quality money on myself.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 19, 2017…

Alien: Covenant—This is a prequel to “Prometheus” and is about a colony ship called Covenant that ends up on a new planet to live on, but discovers something truly horrible. The universe is not kind with its distant life forms. The cast includes Michael Fassbinder, Noomi Repace, Katherine Waterston, Guy Pearce and James Franco. “Alien: Covenant” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul—The Kid (Jason Drucker) and his brother, Rodnick (Charley Wright) go with their parents (Alicia Silverstone and Tom Everett Scott) on a road trip to visit relatives. Yawn, what is thought by the kids to be snooze time turns into something rather funny. “Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the books and films.

Champion—This film about dirt racing stars Gary Graham and Andrew Cheney. It is a story of competition between two men and an accident that changes everything. Faith Renee Kennedy is also in the cast. “Champion” is rated PG. No rating.

The Black Prince (opening in select cities)— Jason Flemyng plays the last great ruler of India, the Punjab and realizes that the British Empire is there to stay, so what to do? Alexa Morden plays young Queen Victoria. “The Black Prince“ is rated PG 13. No rating.

Everything, Everything—A young girl is born with a disease that means she must stay inside during her lifetime. Oh, what to do? One thing is to watch the new neighbors next door and perhaps, a budding romance? Stars Anika Nooni Rose.

MAY 26, 2017…

Bay Watch stars Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron and need I write more?

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales and this one stars Johnny Depp. Again—need I write more?

Drone has Sean Bean as a military drone operator who faces consequences.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.