May 21, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160521

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is (THE JOCK SHOW) – and, yes, I am every bit as wonderful as I know you think I am.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in Heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”  –Matthew 24:36

 

The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. — James 3:17-18

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. — Luke 19:10

 

Thought: Jesus came so that the last could be first, the sick could be healed, the sinners could be saved, and the lost could be found. That was his purpose: to fix that which was broken — not just us, but our world, our humanity, and all that goes with it. So how can we wear the name of Jesus and not live with his passion and purpose toward what we see lost in our world?

 

Prayer: O loving Father and Almighty God, please stir a holy passion in your people, and especially in me, so that we may more nearly reflect Jesus’ purpose in our lives, our families, and our churches. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

2 Corinthians 5:21 NIV = God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – MAY 21, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 217 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is I NEED A PATCH FOR THAT DAY.  ***MARLAR: We’ve got patches for everything nowadays.  Pregnancy, heart conditions, nicotine patches for people who want to quit smoking.  Good uses, all… but that leaves out myriad of other medical or socially awkward conditions that could use a patch.  Bad breath?  Listerine patch.  Stick it to the roof of your mouth and you’re good all day.  We should have patches for everything.  Dexetrim Patch for those who want to lose weight, Tinactin Patch for foot fungus, maybe even a Bean-O patch.  Of course, the ultimate patch already exists for men losing their hair.  It’s called a toupee.

 

Today is NATIONAL BACKYARD GAMES DAY.  ***MARLAR: Ah, backyard games… like Hide-n-Seek, Tag, Capture the Flag, Run From Daddy’s Belt… ah, the memories.

 

Today is GREEK PHILOSOPHERS DAY. ***MARLAR: The most famous being Socrates.  I used to think it was pronounced “soap crates” – which explains why I’m a radio personality and not a philosopher. One my favorites though is Plato. Any guy that can get colored clay for kids named after him is alright in my book.

 

This is AMERICAN JAPAN WEEK. As part of the celebrations, a ceremony took place today allowing investors in Tokyo to buy the Grand Canyon and move it to Japan. So if you’re planning a trip to the Canyon this summer, forget it. All that’s left is a great big hole. (HaLife)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

American Red Cross Founder’s Day

Armed Forces Day

Day of Vesak

Do Dah Day

End of the World (Rapture Party Day)

I Need a Patch For That Day

National Learn to Swim Day

National Heritage Breeds Day

National Wait Staff Day

Preakness

Sister Maria Hummel Day

World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

Victoria Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, MAY 22

Canadian Immigrants Day

Harvey Milk Day

Neighbor Day

International Day for Biological Diversity

National Maritime Day

U.S. Colored Troops Day

World Goth Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula

Declaration of the Bab Day

National Taffy Day

World Crohn’s and Colitis Day

World Turtle Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 24

Brothers Day

International Tiara Day

Morse Code Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday

National Missing Children’s Day

National Tap Dance Day

National Senior Health & Fitness Day

Nerd Pride Day

Geek Pride Day

Towel Day

World MS Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 26

Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day

Red Nose Day
World Lindy Hop Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 27

Cellophane Tape Day

Don’t Fry Day

Heat Awareness Day

Hug Your Cat Day

National Title Track Day

National Wig Out Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 28

International Jazz Day

Julia Pierpont Day

Menstrual Hygiene Day ***Eww!

National Hamburger Day

National Polka Day

Sierra Club Day

Slugs Return From Capistrano Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 29

Indianapolis 500

Learn About Composting Day

Put a Pillow On Your Fridge Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 30

Loomis Day

Memorial Day

Mint Julep Day

Prayer for Peace Memorial Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 31

What You Think Upon Grows Day

World No-Tobacco Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1819: The first bicycles, imported from England, appeared on the streets of New York City and were banned within a month as being hazardous to public safety. ***MARLAR: Later it was discovered it wasn’t the bicycles that were that dangerous, it was the New Yorkers.

 

1898: History’s first car with a bumper, the prototype of a Czech-built Präsident, rolled out of the Imperial Nesseldorf factory in Moravia. It had a front bumper. On the test run, the bumper fell off and was not replaced.

 

1934: Oskaloosa, Iowa, became the first U.S. city to fingerprint its residents.

 

1945: Hollywood’s Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall were married. Both cried during the 3-minute ceremony. Their movies together included To Have and Have Not, Key Largo, and The Big Sleep.

 

1990: In a classic final episode of the Newhart TV series, Bob Newhart woke up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette, his wife on a previous series, The Bob Newhart Show. He had been dreaming since 1978. (audio clip #1, audio clip #2)

 

1995: A Lakeland, Florida, man lost a thumb when his barber came to his home and bit it off, apparently upset at the man deciding not to get a haircut after walking into the barber’s shop. Doctors were unable to reattach the thumb. ***MARLAR: He now works at a local high school teaching shop class.

 

1996: Actor Lash LaRue died in Toluca Lake, California, at age 78. In the 1940s he was “King of the Bullwhip” in 18 feature western movies.

 

1997: Three British soldiers were fined $300 each for running through Ayia Napa, Cyprus, naked in the middle of the night singing “God Save the Queen.” The judge didn’t think it was funny.

 

1998: A Fullerton, California, man finally paid off his 1958 divorce with a check for $180 to his attorney. The 70-year-old client said he always intended to pay the bill, but with six kids and health problems, it took him 40 years to get caught up.

 

1999: Soap opera star Susan Lucci won a Daytime Emmy Award for best actress on her 19th nomination. (audio clip)

 

2001: The Club of Idiots was founded in Saint-Gilles, France. Eighty members had to solemnly swear to be idiots and always carry their idiot I.D. card.  ***MARLAR: But if you’re a self-proclaimed idiot, if you forget your idiot I.D. card wouldn’t that just lend credence to your proclamation?

 

2003: Ruben Studdard beat out Clay Aiken to win the second “American Idol” competition on the Fox network.

 

2006: The FBI accused Democratic U.S. Congressman William Jefferson of Louisiana of taking hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes and claimed to have found $90,000 in cold cash at his home in a freezer.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1382: The “Earthquake Synod” in London (so named because a temblor interrupted the proceedings), led by Archbishop Courtenay, condemns as heretical 24 theses from the writings of John Wycliffe. Wycliffe later claimed that God sent the earthquake “because the friars had put heresy upon Christ. The earth trembled as it did when Christ was damned to bodily death”.

 

1471: Painter, engraver, and woodcut designer Albrecht Durer is born in Nuremberg, Germany. Durer, one of the greatest artists of his day, almost certainly converted to Protestantism in the 1520s.

 

1527: Anabaptist minister Michael Sattler, a former Benedictine monk who left the monastery and married after reading Paul’s letters, is tortured and killed in Rottenburg, Germany. His wife was drowned eight days later.

 

1536: The General Assembly of Geneva officially adopts the Reformation and separates from the Roman Catholic diocese. John Calvin, who became forever associated with the Swiss city, arrives two months later.

 

1690: Death of John Eliot, an early Puritan missionary to the American Indians.

 

1738: Charles Wesley, who would co-find Methodism with his brother, converts to Christianity while sick with pleurisy. “In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, arise and believe, and thou shalt be healed of thy infirmities,” a mysterious voice told him in his sickbed. “I believe, I believe,” he replied. One year later on this date, he wrote “O for a Thousand Tongues” to commemorate the event.

 

1832: Hudson Taylor, English missionary to China and founder of the China Inland Mission, is born in Barnsley, Yorkshire.

 

1874: Ira Sankey, who sang in Moody’s evangelistic services, first sings “the Lost Sheep.” It moves audiences with great effect.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Kate Sanders on “Lizzie McGuire”) Ashlie Brillault 29 (audio clip)
  • actor (The Santa Clause, Beverly Hills Cop, Fast Times at Ridgemont High) Judge Reinhold 59
  • T. (Real name is Lawrence Tero, “The A Team,” DC Cab, Rocky III) 64 (audio clip)
  • Comedian/politician (Stuart Saves His Family, “Saturday Night Live”) Al Franken 65 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Thomas “Fats” Waller

1941 : Ronald Isley (The Isley Brothers)

1943 : Hilton Valentine (The Animals)

1943 : Vincent Crane (Atomic Rooster, The Crazy World of Arthur Brown)

1944 : Marcie Blane

1947 : Bill Champlin (Chicago)

1948 : Leo Sayer

1955 : Stan Lynch (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers)

1972 : The Notorious B.I.G.

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What do those weird movie credits, “gaffer” and “best boy” mean?

At the movies I sit through the credits right through to the copyright notice, just before the house lights go on. You, too? But until now all I knew about a gaffer was that the word means an old man. Why, then, does every film employ one? To remind the rest of the cast that they won’t be young forever? Actually, the gaffer is the head electrician, who lights the sets for the director of photography. Why do they call him a gaffer? Beats me, but I suppose its better than “wirehead,” “bulbbunny,” or “filamentphil.” As for the best boy, he hasn’t won any popularity contest. Far from it. He’s the gaffer’s helper, a mere assistant, which makes him a not-quite-gaffer-grade kind of guy. If he’s a she, she’s called – I dunno, “Ms. best boy?” (Source: THE STRAIGHT DOPE by Cecil Adams)

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Casting crowns Jaun Devevo has a new catch phrase. He posted that the phrase: “…and make the rest of the donuts double chocolate” is something he says so much.

 

Jamie Grace is allergic to raw foods so, when she wants a salad, she has to get creative. He posted a recent creative salad she created. Jamie says she: stuffed a turkey burger with fresh Asiago and cheddar. grilled it & placed on a bed of braised kale.

 

Sandi Patty has announced the fall dates of her Forever Grateful: The Farewell Tour. According to her marketing team, 28 more shows were announced as the long time Christian artist continues her run of the historic final tour. Celebrating her latest album, Forever Grateful, and her 30+ year career, tickets for the Forever Grateful Fall Tour go on sale to the public Monday, May 23. Following the fall dates and her Christmas Blessings Tour, Sandi will bring the Forever Grateful Tour to the west coast and northwest in early 2017. The Tour will conclude its 100+ city run on the Forever Grateful Farewell Cruise from March 11-18, 2017.

 

Colton Dixon has some fun pranking Building 429 during their set. He went on stage wearing a complete batman costume. No, Jason Roy did not turn into Superman so the two could battle it out.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFezpeHwjYg/

 

Kari Jobe on speaking at this past weekends women’s conference: I sat and shared some very raw and honest thoughts. In the midst of a season where there are a lot of questions..its absolutely ok to voice those questions and be honest with the Lord and to worship in the midst of the pain. Worship brings breakthrough and healing. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. The night season may last a little while..but God will surround you with songs of deliverance in it.

 

Casting Crowns’ Chris Huffman announced on twitter this week: Hey friends!! Stay tuned for some awesome Casting Crowns news later this week! (Anyone hoping for a cruise!)?

 

Third Day’s Mark Lee this week found a video of a Third Day performance recorded on their very first tour. The video was first shared in 2007 but goes back even further than that. It features the bands cover of the Bob Dylan song Solid Rock at a church in Florida.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LjjtH9TyCE0

 

Tenth Avenue North is into week 2 of their new album. The band posted that having two new producers means twice the fun. They say record number 5 is more than halfway home.

 

Team Reset 2016 is hoping to fill the Mall in Washington DC with 1 million believers on July 16. The goal is to come together around Jesus in unified prayer, worship, and a call for catalytic change. Already artists and speakers are committing to be there as well for the free event. Performers include Hillsong United, Lecrae, Crowder and Kari Jobe. Francis Chan and Ravi Zacharias will also make an appearance. And this week Michael W. Smith announced that he will be on the Mall as well for the one day event.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWD74MTD5wY

 

Ryan Stevenson is honing is woodworking skills in his spare time. He posted this week that he is helping his wife with her rustic and farmhouse furniture repurposing

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFhas6kww16/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Semi-Conductors”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Paul Aldrich, “Rock Star Commercials”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and  (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, a heated debate was taking place between Sully the Aardvark and Millard the Monkey.  Sully wants clunking (hitting your head over and over with a coconut) banned – but Millard the Monkey says all animals have the right to do what they want!

 

CLOSE: Will clunking be banned in the jungle now that second-hand clunking is also causing problems?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 21/22

 

OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Cheetah Bonita’s new song – which was nothing but a solo – had everyone in the jungle deciding not to cooperate with each other – and the only peaceful place, the land of milk and honey which is occupied by the squirrels is off-limits to Cheetah Bonita because she was the reason the jungle was so noisy everywhere else.  Sad, she walked into the jungle – and met up with Racquet the Skunk.

 

CLOSE: What will Cheetah Bonita and Racquet the Skunk find in the swamp?  Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

The tongue can be a powerful weapon.

In Keansburg, New Jersey, 49-year-old Jeffrey Jacobitti was arrested by police after harassing and threatening two women and a 12-year-old girl. Here’s what makes this a Moment of Duh… he didn’t touch them, nor did he say anything to them. So how is it harassment? The arresting officer says Jeff saw the ladies standing on a corner, drove up beside them and stuck out his tongue. The officer says that constituted harassment.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE IS LIKE PRESCHOOL

 

  1. You cry for your mother.
  2. You cross the street without looking for cars.
  3. Snack time is a necessity.
  4. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do.
  5. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
  6. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
  7. You wear big mittens.
  8. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
  9. You take naps.
  10. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Doggie droppings end up in a court of law!

 

FILE #1: We all have to have a hobby, and Patrick Murphy’s hobby is apparently complaining about doggie-doo.  Mr. Murphy has finally won his case from a jury in Boulder, CO. Patrick has been acquitted of charges that he harassed a local dog owner whom he had videotaped at a school park failing to pick up his dog’s droppings. You wouldn’t think something like this would make the news, but Patrick is a self-proclaimed dog droppings activist and, in addition to video cameras, he has recently used global positioning satellite equipment to show that, at one time four months ago, there were 663 dog piles in the same park.

 

FILE #2: Think politicians are corrupt? Just wait until you hear this one. A political candidate has won an election (and thus a seat in Taiwan’s parliament) even though he had been convicted of corruption, illegal possession of a firearm, and attempted murder. In fact, he ran the entire political campaign from his prison cell. Yen Ching-piao took the election in a landslide, even though he faces spending the next 20 years behind bars. According to the media in Taiwan, the turning point in the race came when his family fell to their knees and tearfully pleaded to voters at a political rally on the eve of the election.

 

FILE #3: From the Czech Republic comes the story of a burglar who scares easily. He broke into a restaurant, and as he was making his way toward the cash register he was frightened out of his wits by loud music. And on a wall across the room, in the dark, he thought he could make out something moving. That was enough for him and he quickly bolted out the door. Just what was it that frightened our bumbling burglar so? Well, some places have a watch dog. Guess you could say this particular place had a watch fish. One of those sing ‘n’ swing fish that flops around and sings a song. That’s right. He was foiled by Big Mouth Billy Bass.

 

STRANGE LAW: It is against the law to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool in Baldwin Park, CA. ***MARLAR: Don’t the tires have inner-tubes?

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A 21-year-old man was arrested after calling a drug store to say he was on the way to rob it.

Police said Joshua Amell was arrested early Thursday in the parking lot of an Osco Drug store. The store called police to report a robbery, and officers who arrived were told the pharmacist was on the phone with a man he believed was responsible for robbing the store on Sept. 30. He said the man told him he had a gun and was on his way to the pharmacy to get more of the drug he’d stolen before. Amell was arrested when he pulled into the parking lot.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Today is I NEED A PATCH FOR THAT DAY.  We’ve got patches for everything nowadays.  Pregnancy, heart conditions, nicotine patches for people who want to quit smoking.  But wouldn’t it be cool if we had a patch for Bad Breath?  It could be a Listerine Patch!  Or maybe someone could invent a Dexetrim Patch to help people lose weight, a Tinactin Patch for foot fungus, maybe even a Bean-O patch.  If you could create a patch, what would it be for?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What two Old Testament books are name for women?

ANSWER: Esther and Ruth

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Annually, British people eat approximately how many pounds of beans?

ANSWER: Fifteen

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. In the U.S. the one month in any given year that does not have a major holiday is March. (False, August)

 

  1. The Philadelphia Stock Exchange (PHLX) is the oldest stock exchange in the United States. (True)

 

  1. The first star depicted on a postage stamp was Grace Kelly. (True)

 

  1. The only male creature to carry and hatch eggs is the seahorse. (False)

 

  1. The capital of Texas is Dallas, Texas. (False, Austin)

 

  1. Epiphany day is the 6th of January. (True)

 

  1. “Twilight Zone: The Movie” was rated R. (False, it was rated PG)

 

  1. Earth is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (False, it’s Venus)

 

  1. It is said that no piece of paper can be folded more than 4 times. (False, it’s 7 times)

 

  1. Famous Aviator Howard Hughes will forever be known as “The Lone Eagle”? (False, it was Charles Lindbergh)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ KILLING PERU’S DOLPHINS (ALIENS)

LIMA – Peru’s government is blaming an alien infiltration for the unexplained killing of thousands of dolphins.

Dolphins have been washing ashore by the dozens since last year. Fishermen have reported scores of dead dolphins on beaches all along the coast.

While Peruvian government officials deny the claim, scientists at the Instituto Peruano de Contacto Extraterrestre (IPCE) confirm the rumor that aliens are attacking and killing the dolphins.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

The new minister arrived in a small Midwestern town to assume the duties of the church leader. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, the minister thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

 

JOKE #2

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, “Did you know that every time you breathe somebody dies?”

“Really!?” he said. “Well your breath ain’t roses either, lady.”

 

JOKE #3

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man come hurling headfirst through the window.

“What on earth are you up to? What just happened?” he demanded.

“I’m terribly sorry,” said the man, “I forgot to let go of the brick.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Humans aren’t the only species on earth with drug problems.  In Australia veterinarians are reporting a rise in the number of dogs getting high by licking the toxin from the backs of cane toads.  ***MARLAR: One pet owner suspected his dog might be on something last year when the dog hit 70 home runs.

 

Traces of a chemical used in rocket fuel were found in samples of powdered baby formula.  The chemical has turned up in several cities’ drinking water supplies. It can occur naturally, but most perchlorate contamination has been tied to defense and aerospace sites, and the levels found could exceed what’s considered a safe dose.  ***MARLAR: How many of us have seen a baby’s diaper and thought, “SOMETHING exploded in there!”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

ONE GOLF BALL

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner Morris had only one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.

Morris replied that he only needed one.

“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

Morris said with disdain, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

“Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s okay,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?

Morris, annoyed, replied , “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back — no problem.”

Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says Morris, “You see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

Morris says, “I found it.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

YOU DA BOMB

The janitorial staff in a North Carolina health store called the bomb squad after finding a box with “tick, tick, tick” written on it in a pile of trash. The box wasn’t actually ticking… it just had “tick, tick, tick” written on the outside of it. Apparently, the box was left over from a bomb drill the day before, but the janitors didn’t know that. The bomb squad searched the entire office building and finally opened up the box to determine whether it was safe. Of course, it was just an empty box.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

BIBLICAL CARS?

Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?” But the initials really stand for “What would Jesus drive?” One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.”

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.”

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord…”

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.”

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.”

And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”

–Author Unknown.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

NEW HOPE

Read: Romans 15:5-13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. —Romans 15:13

Grant Murphy of Seattle was the active type, a man who ran at full throttle. Idling and coasting were not in his nature. “One might even call him hyperactive,” recalled a dear friend.

Then multiple sclerosis began to slow Grant down. First he needed crutches to get around. Then he was limited to sitting in a chair. Finally he was confined to a bed.

Near the end, he was hardly strong enough to talk. His friend recalls, however, that “he expressed only joy and thankfulness with a constant anticipation of being in the Lord’s presence.” Not long before he died, Grant whispered Romans 15:13 to a friend. He repeated the words “in believing,” then added, “I can’t do anything now.”

It’s when we can’t do anything that God does everything. And herein lies a profound paradox of the Christian’s experience. Faith is simultaneously an exercise of our will and the impartation of divine strength. And from that marvelous mixture spring joy and peace and an abundance of hope.

Are you in a totally helpless situation? Strength gone? All options exhausted? If you have trusted Jesus as your Savior, God will strengthen you to keep on believing. As you trust Him, He’ll give you not only joy and peace, but also hope when all hope is gone. —Dennis De Haan

 

When we are weak and in despair,
Our mighty God is near;
He’ll give us strength and joy and hope,
And calm our inner fear. —Sper

 

No one is hopeless whose hope is in God.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

TODAY IS NATIONAL BACKYARD GAMES DAY

National Backyard Games Day is today. Ah, backyard games… like Hide-n-Seek, Tag, Capture the Flag, Run From Daddy’s Belt… ah, the memories.
But you have to wonder what some people were thinking when it came to outdoor games. Remember croquet? Boy, the temptation to misuse those mallets was overwhelming, wasn’t it? Croquet was way too slow moving and disinteresting of a game for such a cool thing as a mallet. We used our mallets like golf clubs, sending those hard wooden balls towards the shins and groins of anyone brave enough to play in our yard. Or within ball shot of it. Mallets also made great temporary resting stools if you put the handle to the ground and the mallet head to your rear. In a pinch they made great hockey sticks, turtle stompers, bug splatters, and if you got really bored… applesauce makers.
Then there was horseshoes. Metal spikes and iron letter “U’s” that Mom and Dad ENCOURAGED you to throw. And not only were you allowed to throw them – but you were allowed to throw them toward the other team. And not once did your parents yell, “You might put an eye out!”
Of course, the ultimate backyard game was similar to horseshoes, but instead of those dangerous metal horseshoes to throw, they replaced them with the safer, more family-friendly javelins known as Lawn Darts. You could put an eye out, but only if you had great aim.
As I get older though, I lose interest in games that are so dangerous. I try to distance myself from games that may actually put an eye out. So now my wife and I have a new game we play outdoors.
It’s called Squirrel And Pellet Gun.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Next time you catch a cold, forget about vitamin C and aspirin. 

Take a good, brisk walk. A new study reveals that exercise helps you fight the common cold. The study showed that men and women who walked 45 minutes a day recovered from colds twice as quickly as couch potatoes.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

ANOTHER REASON TO QUIT SMOKING

An unidentified 40-year-old man drove into a gasoline station on the Gold Coast of Queensland, Australia, and began to fill a jerry can with gas. The fumes rose up to the lit cigarette dangling from his mouth and exploded, throwing him 15 feet and landing him on an ant hill. “He suffered a few small burns and some ant bites,” a police spokesman says. “We took a vote and this is one of the stupidest things we’ve ever heard of.”  ***MARLAR: The police chief must not listen to my show then. (audio clip)

 

 

FUN LIST

IT’S ALL A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE

A few differences between you and your boss:

  • If you take a long time, you’re slow. BUT if your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
  • If you don’t do it, you’re lazy. BUT if your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
  • If you make a mistake, you’re an idiot. BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he’s ‘only human’.
  • If you’re on a day off sick, you’re ‘always’ sick. BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
  • If you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed. BUT if your boss does it, he’s being firm.
  • If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude. BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
  • If you please your boss, you’re a butt-kisser.  BUT if your boss please his boss, he’s being co-operative.
  • If you do something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority. BUT if your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
  • If you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around. BUT if your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
  • If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. BUT if your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Are your adult children still living at home?  Don’t think you’re alone – that seems to be a growing trend in this economy!

Three in 10 young adults live with parents, highest level since 1950s.  A weak economy and high debt levels are prompting more young adults to return to the family nest, a new survey shows. Perhaps surprisingly, most are happy with their living arrangements.  In 1980, some 11 percent of young adults lived in multigenerational households, suggesting that a strong economy helped youngsters gain independence more quickly. Today, some 29 percent of 25- to34-year olds either never moved out of their parents’ home or say they returned home in recent years because of the economy, according to the Pew report. Among 18- to 24-year olds, that figure is even higher – 53 percent of young adults in that age group live at home.  ***MARLAR: And a quick word of advice from someone who had to move back in with his parents for a brief while, even after I got married… there is no room in a hive for two queen bees.  If you’re moving back in with your parents, Mom is in charge, deal with it.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Living closer to nature is better for your health – and may even extend your life. A study just published found that people who live in “greener” areas, with more vegetation around, have a lower risk of mortality.   People who had the most vegetation within 800 feet of their homes had a 12 percent lower rate of mortality from any non-accidental cause than people living in the least green places.  Read more about it…

http://wapo.st/1SXJiJA

 

Are you pregnant?  Beware of where you keep your cell phone!  The sounds emitted by cellphones carried by pregnant women may rattle the sleep-and-wake cycles of their unborn babies. The finding is based on a small study that tracked fetal reactions to repetitive cellphone and beeper use among more than two dozen resident physicians while they were pregnant. Researches say they found that, if you’re a baby in-utero, or in the womb, and someone wakes you up every hour, you will not be a happy camper. The sound, and perhaps even vibrations, cause a ‘startle reflex’, which disturbs the normal sleep cycle.” What isn’t clear from this study is whether or not being repeatedly startled has any effect on fetal health or pregnancy outcomes.

http://m.medicalxpress.com/news/2015-05-mom-cellphone-startle-fetus.html

 

Most Protestant pastors believe Jesus will return in the future. But few agree about the details of the apocalypse.  Those are among the findings of a new telephone survey of 1,000 Protestant senior pastors. About a third of Protestant senior pastors believe in the kind of pretribulation rapture familiar to pop culture. 1 in 4 say the rapture is not literal.  Read more about the survey results…

http://www.christianitytoday.com/gleanings/2016/april/sorry-left-behind-pastors-end-times-rapture-antichrist.html

 

A grassroots initiative has been launched in Poland in an attempt to ban abortion without exceptions. The catalyst for the initiative was the horror of a botched abortion in which the 24-week-old child, diagnosed with Down Syndrome, was left unattended to die. Currently, abortion is legal in Poland only in instances of rape, if the life of the mother is in danger, or if the baby has been diagnosed with a handicap or abnormality up to 25 weeks gestation. The initiative to ban abortion entirely is being spearheaded by a group called Pro Foundation which is seeking to collect 100,000 signatures so that the ban will be considered by Poland’s legislature.

http://dlvr.it/L8qVL4

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

What a great show, I had a lot of fun. After so many years in the radio business, I’m finally starting to get the hang of it. Let’s recap: Turn the microphone on–THEN start talking.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 20, 2016…

 

Sorority 2: Neighbors Rising—The neighborhood is about to get loud and raucous again, with a sorority moving in. What comes next? A motorcycle club? Rocket Society? Turkey Farm? Who knows? The stars include Chloe Grace Morentz, Zac Efron, Rose Bryne, Seth Rogen and Selena Gomez. “Sorority 2: Neighbors Rising” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Nice Guys—The team of Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe, as a private detective and a hit man, just might make it. The private eye is investigating the suicide of a friend, but was it? All this and set in the 1970’s, too.  Also in the cast are Matt Bomer, Kim Basinger and Keith David. “The Nice Guys” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Maggie (opening in select cities)—Greta Gerwig is Maggie who decides she wants to have a baby. Unfortunately, the guy she likes (Ethan Hawke) is married (to Juliette Moore) and this means up breaking up the marriage. Rocky road ahead. “Maggie” is rated R. No rating.

 

Angry Birds—This animated film follows the adventures of the online birds and why are they angry? No pecking order? (couldn’t resist that…) This happy island has visitors in the form of pigs? The main birds, Red (Jason Sedeukis), Chuck (Josh Gad) and Bomb (Danny McBride) try to find out what is going on.  “Angry Birds” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

MAY 27, 2016…

 

X-Men: Apocalypse is the next installment of this series and “Apocalypse” is actually a mutant god who, of course, wants to destroy the world.  Some of the stars are Jennifer Lawrence and Michael Fassbender.

 

Alice Through The Looking Glass continues the adventures of Alice and this time she has to save the Mad Hatter. Stars Johnny Depp and Mia Wasikowska.

 

USS: Indianapolis: Men of Courage is based on the true story, during WWII, of the sinking of this ship and how the crew tried to survive. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore and Thomas Jane.

 

The Lobster is a fantasy film about a world in which people must find love within days or be turned into animals.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.