May 21, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180521
PDF: 20180521

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is (THE JOCK SHOW) – and, yes, I am every bit as wonderful as I know you think I am.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“The office in such times as these makes its incumbent a repairman behind a dike. No sooner is one leak plugged up than it is necessary to dash over and stop another that has broken out. There is no end to it.” – Herbert Hoover

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in Heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” –Matthew 24:36

The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. — James 3:17-18

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. — Luke 19:10

Thought: Jesus came so that the last could be first, the sick could be healed, the sinners could be saved, and the lost could be found. That was his purpose: to fix that which was broken — not just us, but our world, our humanity, and all that goes with it. So how can we wear the name of Jesus and not live with his passion and purpose toward what we see lost in our world?

Prayer: O loving Father and Almighty God, please stir a holy passion in your people, and especially in me, so that we may more nearly reflect Jesus’ purpose in our lives, our families, and our churches. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

2 Corinthians 5:21 NIV = God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

TODAY IS MONDAY – MAY 21, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
217 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is I NEED A PATCH FOR THAT DAY. ***We’ve got patches for everything nowadays. Pregnancy, heart conditions, nicotine patches for people who want to quit smoking. Good uses, all… but that leaves out myriad of other medical or socially awkward conditions that could use a patch. Bad breath? Listerine patch. Stick it to the roof of your mouth and you’re good all day. We should have patches for everything. Dexetrim Patch for those who want to lose weight, Tinactin Patch for foot fungus, maybe even a Bean-O patch. Of course, the ultimate patch already exists for men losing their hair. It’s called a toupee.

Today is NATIONAL BACKYARD GAMES DAY. ***Ah, backyard games… like Hide-n-Seek, Tag, Capture the Flag, Run From Daddy’s Belt… ah, the memories.

Today is GREEK PHILOSOPHERS DAY. ***The most famous being Socrates. I used to think it was pronounced “soap crates” – which explains why I’m a radio personality and not a philosopher. One my favorites though is Plato. Any guy that can get colored clay for kids named after him is alright in my book.

This is AMERICAN JAPAN WEEK. ***As part of the celebrations, a ceremony took place today allowing investors in Tokyo to buy the Grand Canyon and move it to Japan. So if you’re planning a trip to the Canyon this summer, forget it. All that’s left is a great big hole.

TODAY IS ALSO…

American Red Cross Founder’s Day
End of the World or Rapture Party Day
I Need A Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MAY 22
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
Sherlock Holmes Day
US Colored Troops Day
Victoria Day
World Goth Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 23

Declaration of the Bab Day
Emergency Medical Services for Children Day
International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
National Taffy Day
World Crohn’s and Colitis Day
World Orienteering Day
World Turtle Day

THURSDAY, MAY 24

Aviation Maintenance Technician Day
Brother’s Day
Declaration of The Bab
Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day
EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day
International Tiara Day
Morse Code Day

FRIDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday
Don’t Fry Day
Heat Awareness Day
National and International Missing Children’s Day
National Polka Day
National Tap Dance Day
National Title Track Day
National Wig Out Day
National Wine Day
Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day
Towel Day
World Thyroid Day

SATURDAY, MAY 26

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)
International Heritage Breeds Day
Julia Pierpont Day
National Chardonnay Day
National Paper Airplane Day
World Lindy Hop Day

SUNDAY, MAY 27

Cellophane Tape Day
Indianapolis 500

MONDAY, MAY 28

National Hamburger Day
Sierra Club Day
Slugs Return From Capistrano Day
Memorial Day
Prayer for Peace Memorial Day

ON THIS DAY

1819: The first bicycles, imported from England, appeared on the streets of New York City and were banned within a month as being hazardous to public safety. ***Later it was discovered it wasn’t the bicycles that were that dangerous, it was the New Yorkers.

1898: History’s first car with a bumper, the prototype of a Czech-built Präsident, rolled out of the Imperial Nesseldorf factory in Moravia. It had a front bumper. On the test run, the bumper fell off and was not replaced.

1934: Oskaloosa, Iowa, became the first U.S. city to fingerprint its residents.

1945: Hollywood’s Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall were married. Both cried during the 3-minute ceremony. Their movies together included To Have and Have Not, Key Largo, and The Big Sleep.

1990: In a classic final episode of the Newhart TV series, Bob Newhart woke up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette, his wife on a previous series, The Bob Newhart Show. He had been dreaming since 1978. (audio clip #1, audio clip #2)

1995: A Lakeland, Florida, man lost a thumb when his barber came to his home and bit it off, apparently upset at the man deciding not to get a haircut after walking into the barber’s shop. Doctors were unable to reattach the thumb. ***He now works at a local high school teaching shop class.

1996: Actor Lash LaRue died in Toluca Lake, California, at age 78. In the 1940s he was “King of the Bullwhip” in 18 feature western movies.

1997: Three British soldiers were fined $300 each for running through Ayia Napa, Cyprus, naked in the middle of the night singing “God Save the Queen.” The judge didn’t think it was funny.

1998: A Fullerton, California, man finally paid off his 1958 divorce with a check for $180 to his attorney. The 70-year-old client said he always intended to pay the bill, but with six kids and health problems, it took him 40 years to get caught up.

1999: Soap opera star Susan Lucci won a Daytime Emmy Award for best actress on her 19th nomination. (audio clip)

2001: The Club of Idiots was founded in Saint-Gilles, France. Eighty members had to solemnly swear to be idiots and always carry their idiot I.D. card. ***But if you’re a self-proclaimed idiot, if you forget your idiot I.D. card wouldn’t that just lend credence to your proclamation?

2003: Ruben Studdard beat out Clay Aiken to win the second “American Idol” competition on the Fox network.

2006: The FBI accused Democratic U.S. Congressman William Jefferson of Louisiana of taking hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes and claimed to have found $90,000 in cold cash at his home in a freezer.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1382: The “Earthquake Synod” in London (so named because a temblor interrupted the proceedings), led by Archbishop Courtenay, condemns as heretical 24 theses from the writings of John Wycliffe. Wycliffe later claimed that God sent the earthquake “because the friars had put heresy upon Christ. The earth trembled as it did when Christ was damned to bodily death”.

1471: Painter, engraver, and woodcut designer Albrecht Durer is born in Nuremberg, Germany. Durer, one of the greatest artists of his day, almost certainly converted to Protestantism in the 1520s.

1527: Anabaptist minister Michael Sattler, a former Benedictine monk who left the monastery and married after reading Paul’s letters, is tortured and killed in Rottenburg, Germany. His wife was drowned eight days later.

1536: The General Assembly of Geneva officially adopts the Reformation and separates from the Roman Catholic diocese. John Calvin, who became forever associated with the Swiss city, arrives two months later.

1690: Death of John Eliot, an early Puritan missionary to the American Indians.

1738: Charles Wesley, who would co-find Methodism with his brother, converts to Christianity while sick with pleurisy. “In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, arise and believe, and thou shalt be healed of thy infirmities,” a mysterious voice told him in his sickbed. “I believe, I believe,” he replied. One year later on this date, he wrote “O for a Thousand Tongues” to commemorate the event.

1832: Hudson Taylor, English missionary to China and founder of the China Inland Mission, is born in Barnsley, Yorkshire.

1874: Ira Sankey, who sang in Moody’s evangelistic services, first sings “the Lost Sheep.” It moves audiences with great effect.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Kate Sanders on “Lizzie McGuire”) Ashlie Brillault 31 (audio clip)
  • actor (The Santa Clause, Beverly Hills Cop, Fast Times at Ridgemont High) Judge Reinhold 61
  • Mr. T. (Real name is Lawrence Tero, “The A Team,” DC Cab, Rocky III) 66 (audio clip)
  • Comedian/politician (Stuart Saves His Family, “Saturday Night Live”) Al Franken 67 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Thomas “Fats” Waller

1941 : Ronald Isley (The Isley Brothers)

1943 : Hilton Valentine (The Animals)

1943 : Vincent Crane (Atomic Rooster, The Crazy World of Arthur Brown)

1944 : Marcie Blane

1947 : Bill Champlin (Chicago)

1948 : Leo Sayer

1955 : Stan Lynch (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers)

1972 : The Notorious B.I.G.

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What do those weird movie credits, “gaffer” and “best boy” mean?

At the movies I sit through the credits right through to the copyright notice, just before the house lights go on. You, too? But until now all I knew about a gaffer was that the word means an old man. Why, then, does every film employ one? To remind the rest of the cast that they won’t be young forever? Actually, the gaffer is the head electrician, who lights the sets for the director of photography. Why do they call him a gaffer? Beats me, but I suppose its better than “wirehead,” “bulbbunny,” or “filamentphil.” As for the best boy, he hasn’t won any popularity contest. Far from it. He’s the gaffer’s helper, a mere assistant, which makes him a not-quite-gaffer-grade kind of guy. If he’s a she, she’s called – I dunno, “Ms. best boy?” (Source: THE STRAIGHT DOPE by Cecil Adams)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A study says the four drunkest cities in the U.S. are in Wisconsin.  ***Reporters are still waiting for someone there to sober up enough to give an interview with their opinion about it.

Some say that North Korea is threatening to cancel the upcoming summit with President Trump so it gives them more time to hide their nukes.  ***The other rumor is that Kim Jong Un needs to spend more time looking at photos of President Trump so he can become desensitized and keep from laughing at his hair.  Of course, Trump is doing the exact same thing with Kim’s pics.

A California man is offering his truck and a kidney in a trade for a liver transplant for his wife.  ***That depends… what kind of mileage do you get in the city with that kidney?

Facebook says it removed 83 million spam posts so far this year.  ***If only our government was that good at removing unnecessary pork.

Two surgeons in China are developing a method to transplant human heads, including neck bolts and electricity.  ***Getting a flat-top haircut is totally up to the patient though.

Actress Michelle Rodriguez flashed party goers at the Cannes Film Festival thanks to a wardrobe malfunction. Some aren’t convinced it was accidental.  ***”I’m starting to become irrelevant – I need an embarrassing moment on camera so people will talk about me again!”

As visitors watched a grumpy old ape at the Apeldoorn Monkey Park in Holland, the ape gave the crowd the finger. ***Proof positive, “monkey see, monkey do.”

Another problem for Starbucks-down in Southern California, a Latino customer received his coffee order with the word ‘Beaner’ on the cup.  ***Ummm… we meant COFFEE BEANER… no? I mean, WEANER… er uh, WINNER!  Ummm… how do you like our new bathroom policy?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A recent study from the USA Today found 60 percent of Americans report feeling angry or irritable. That is up from 50 percent when a similar poll was taken in 2011. ***That’s probably because they interviewed the very same people and asked the very same questions which would make anyone angry and irritable.

About one out of every four Facebook users lies on their profile, and not just to impress that guy or gal who wouldn’t date them in high school. Sometimes, it’s about privacy. 25% of users said they falsified information in their profiles to protect their identity, up from 10% in a similar survey two years ago. ***Boy can I relate! I go by the name (JOCK NAME) on Facebook only because I don’t want people to know that I’m actually George Clooney.

Budweiser says its beer will be brewed using renewable energy by 2025. ***Let’s hope that’s the only renewable resource they use. I’d hate to hear they’re getting recycled water from barroom urinals.

Doctors and nutritionists are warning against what may be a new weight loss fad…the “cotton-ball diet.” Several YouTubers indicate it’s a safe way to lose weight, as the young girls soak cotton balls into orange juice or lemonade in order to add taste. The idea is to eat the cotton balls to limit the amount of food a person eats during the day. Extreme dieters say the cotton expands in the stomach and tricks the body into thinking its full. But health care professionals fear the diet craze could be dangerous. ***And cause cottonmouth.

Researchers claim that CEOs who play a lot of golf, run companies that tend to underperform. ***Which completely explains the state of America during the Trump Administration.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear, Nozzles the Elephant, and Sully the Aardvark all traded their blue-handled tools to Racquet the Skunk so he’d make all of them custom badminton racquets. But Racquet has a plan… a way to make his friends keep buying more racquets so he can get rich…

CLOSE: Looks like we’re about to find out if these new racquets are going to be the racket Racquet wants them to be. That is, we’re going to find out if the new racquets break easily – forcing Racquets friends to buy new ones. Will Racquet’s scheme work? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

The tongue can be a powerful weapon.

In Keansburg, New Jersey, 49-year-old Jeffrey Jacobitti was arrested by police after harassing and threatening two women and a 12-year-old girl. Here’s what makes this a Moment of Duh… he didn’t touch them, nor did he say anything to them. So how is it harassment? The arresting officer says Jeff saw the ladies standing on a corner, drove up beside them and stuck out his tongue. The officer says that constituted harassment.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE IS LIKE PRESCHOOL

10. You cry for your mother.

9.  You cross the street without looking for cars.

8.  Snack time is a necessity.

7.  You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do.

6.  You stay at home and play games with your friends.

5.  You wear your backpack on both shoulders.

4.  You wear big mittens.

3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.

2. You take naps.

1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Doggie droppings end up in a court of law!

FILE #1: We all have to have a hobby, and Patrick Murphy’s hobby is apparently complaining about doggie-doo. Mr. Murphy has finally won his case from a jury in Boulder, CO. Patrick has been acquitted of charges that he harassed a local dog owner whom he had videotaped at a school park failing to pick up his dog’s droppings. You wouldn’t think something like this would make the news, but Patrick is a self-proclaimed dog droppings activist and, in addition to video cameras, he has recently used global positioning satellite equipment to show that, at one time four months ago, there were 663 dog piles in the same park.

FILE #2: Think politicians are corrupt? Just wait until you hear this one. A political candidate has won an election (and thus a seat in Taiwan’s parliament) even though he had been convicted of corruption, illegal possession of a firearm, and attempted murder. In fact, he ran the entire political campaign from his prison cell. Yen Ching-piao took the election in a landslide, even though he faces spending the next 20 years behind bars. According to the media in Taiwan, the turning point in the race came when his family fell to their knees and tearfully pleaded to voters at a political rally on the eve of the election.

FILE #3: From the Czech Republic comes the story of a burglar who scares easily. He broke into a restaurant, and as he was making his way toward the cash register he was frightened out of his wits by loud music. And on a wall across the room, in the dark, he thought he could make out something moving. That was enough for him and he quickly bolted out the door. Just what was it that frightened our bumbling burglar so? Well, some places have a watch dog. Guess you could say this particular place had a watch fish. One of those sing ‘n’ swing fish that flops around and sings a song. That’s right. He was foiled by Big Mouth Billy Bass.

STRANGE LAW: It is against the law to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool in Baldwin Park, CA. ***Don’t the tires have inner-tubes?

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A 21-year-old man was arrested after calling a drug store to say he was on the way to rob it.

Police said Joshua Amell was arrested early Thursday in the parking lot of an Osco Drug store. The store called police to report a robbery, and officers who arrived were told the pharmacist was on the phone with a man he believed was responsible for robbing the store on Sept. 30. He said the man told him he had a gun and was on his way to the pharmacy to get more of the drug he’d stolen before. Amell was arrested when he pulled into the parking lot.

PHONER PHUN

Today is I NEED A PATCH FOR THAT DAY. We’ve got patches for everything nowadays. Pregnancy, heart conditions, nicotine patches for people who want to quit smoking. But wouldn’t it be cool if we had a patch for Bad Breath? It could be a Listerine Patch! Or maybe someone could invent a Dexetrim Patch to help people lose weight, a Tinactin Patch for foot fungus, maybe even a Bean-O patch. If you could create a patch, what would it be for?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What two Old Testament books are name for women?

ANSWER: Esther and Ruth

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Annually, British people eat approximately how many pounds of beans?

ANSWER: Fifteen

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In the U.S. the one month in any given year that does not have a major holiday is March. (False, August)

2. The Philadelphia Stock Exchange (PHLX) is the oldest stock exchange in the United States. (True)

3. The first star depicted on a postage stamp was Grace Kelly. (True)

4. The only male creature to carry and hatch eggs is the seahorse. (False)

5. The capital of Texas is Dallas, Texas. (False, Austin)

6. Epiphany day is the 6th of January. (True)

7. “Twilight Zone: The Movie” was rated R. (False, it was rated PG)

8. Earth is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (False, it’s Venus)

9. It is said that no piece of paper can be folded more than 4 times. (False, it’s 7 times)

10. Famous Aviator Howard Hughes will forever be known as “The Lone Eagle”? (False, it was Charles Lindbergh)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ KILLING PERU’S DOLPHINS (ALIENS)

LIMA – Peru’s government is blaming an alien infiltration for the unexplained killing of thousands of dolphins.

Dolphins have been washing ashore by the dozens since last year. Fishermen have reported scores of dead dolphins on beaches all along the coast.

While Peruvian government officials deny the claim, scientists at the Instituto Peruano de Contacto Extraterrestre (IPCE) confirm the rumor that aliens are attacking and killing the dolphins.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The new minister arrived in a small Midwestern town to assume the duties of the church leader. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, the minister thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

JOKE #2

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, “Did you know that every time you breathe somebody dies?”

“Really!?” he said. “Well your breath ain’t roses either, lady.”

JOKE #3

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man come hurling headfirst through the window.

“What on earth are you up to? What just happened?” he demanded.

“I’m terribly sorry,” said the man, “I forgot to let go of the brick.”

USELESS FACTS

Humans aren’t the only species on earth with drug problems.  In Australia veterinarians are reporting a rise in the number of dogs getting high by licking the toxin from the backs of cane toads.  ***One pet owner suspected his dog might be on something last year when the dog hit 70 home runs.

Traces of a chemical used in rocket fuel were found in samples of powdered baby formula.  The chemical has turned up in several cities’ drinking water supplies. It can occur naturally, but most perchlorate contamination has been tied to defense and aerospace sites, and the levels found could exceed what’s considered a safe dose.  ***How many of us have seen a baby’s diaper and thought, “SOMETHING exploded in there!”

FEATURED FUNNIES

ONE GOLF BALL

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner Morris had only one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.

Morris replied that he only needed one.

“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

Morris said with disdain, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

“Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s okay,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?

Morris, annoyed, replied , “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back — no problem.”

Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says Morris, “You see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

Morris says, “I found it.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

YOU DA BOMB

The janitorial staff in a North Carolina health store called the bomb squad after finding a box with “tick, tick, tick” written on it in a pile of trash. The box wasn’t actually ticking… it just had “tick, tick, tick” written on the outside of it. Apparently, the box was left over from a bomb drill the day before, but the janitors didn’t know that. The bomb squad searched the entire office building and finally opened up the box to determine whether it was safe. Of course, it was just an empty box.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

BIBLICAL CARS?

Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?” But the initials really stand for “What would Jesus drive?” One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.”

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.”

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord…”

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.”

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.”

And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”

–Author Unknown.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

NEW HOPE

Read: Romans 15:5-13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. —Romans 15:13

Grant Murphy of Seattle was the active type, a man who ran at full throttle. Idling and coasting were not in his nature. “One might even call him hyperactive,” recalled a dear friend.

Then multiple sclerosis began to slow Grant down. First he needed crutches to get around. Then he was limited to sitting in a chair. Finally he was confined to a bed.

Near the end, he was hardly strong enough to talk. His friend recalls, however, that “he expressed only joy and thankfulness with a constant anticipation of being in the Lord’s presence.” Not long before he died, Grant whispered Romans 15:13 to a friend. He repeated the words “in believing,” then added, “I can’t do anything now.”

It’s when we can’t do anything that God does everything. And herein lies a profound paradox of the Christian’s experience. Faith is simultaneously an exercise of our will and the impartation of divine strength. And from that marvelous mixture spring joy and peace and an abundance of hope.

Are you in a totally helpless situation? Strength gone? All options exhausted? If you have trusted Jesus as your Savior, God will strengthen you to keep on believing. As you trust Him, He’ll give you not only joy and peace, but also hope when all hope is gone. —Dennis De Haan

When we are weak and in despair,
Our mighty God is near;
He’ll give us strength and joy and hope,
And calm our inner fear. —Sper

No one is hopeless whose hope is in God.

LEFTOVERS

TODAY IS NATIONAL BACKYARD GAMES DAY

National Backyard Games Day is today. Ah, backyard games… like Hide-n-Seek, Tag, Capture the Flag, Run From Daddy’s Belt… ah, the memories.
But you have to wonder what some people were thinking when it came to outdoor games. Remember croquet? Boy, the temptation to misuse those mallets was overwhelming, wasn’t it? Croquet was way too slow moving and disinteresting of a game for such a cool thing as a mallet. We used our mallets like golf clubs, sending those hard wooden balls towards the shins and groins of anyone brave enough to play in our yard. Or within ball shot of it. Mallets also made great temporary resting stools if you put the handle to the ground and the mallet head to your rear. In a pinch they made great hockey sticks, turtle stompers, bug splatters, and if you got really bored… applesauce makers.
Then there was horseshoes. Metal spikes and iron letter “U’s” that Mom and Dad ENCOURAGED you to throw. And not only were you allowed to throw them – but you were allowed to throw them toward the other team. And not once did your parents yell, “You might put an eye out!”
Of course, the ultimate backyard game was similar to horseshoes, but instead of those dangerous metal horseshoes to throw, they replaced them with the safer, more family-friendly javelins known as Lawn Darts. You could put an eye out, but only if you had great aim.
As I get older though, I lose interest in games that are so dangerous. I try to distance myself from games that may actually put an eye out. So now my wife and I have a new game we play outdoors.
It’s called Squirrel And Pellet Gun.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Next time you catch a cold, forget about vitamin C and aspirin. 

Take a good, brisk walk. A new study reveals that exercise helps you fight the common cold. The study showed that men and women who walked 45 minutes a day recovered from colds twice as quickly as couch potatoes.

JUST FOR FUN

ANOTHER REASON TO QUIT SMOKING

An unidentified 40-year-old man drove into a gasoline station on the Gold Coast of Queensland, Australia, and began to fill a jerry can with gas. The fumes rose up to the lit cigarette dangling from his mouth and exploded, throwing him 15 feet and landing him on an ant hill. “He suffered a few small burns and some ant bites,” a police spokesman says. “We took a vote and this is one of the stupidest things we’ve ever heard of.”  ***MARLAR: The police chief must not listen to my show then. (audio clip)

FUN LIST

IT’S ALL A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE

A few differences between you and your boss:

  • If you take a long time, you’re slow. BUT if your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

  • If you don’t do it, you’re lazy. BUT if your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

  • If you make a mistake, you’re an idiot. BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he’s ‘only human’.

  • If you’re on a day off sick, you’re ‘always’ sick. BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

  • If you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed. BUT if your boss does it, he’s being firm.

  • If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude. BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

  • If you please your boss, you’re a butt-kisser.  BUT if your boss please his boss, he’s being co-operative.

  • If you do something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority. BUT if your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

  • If you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around. BUT if your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

  • If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. BUT if your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Are your adult children still living at home?  Don’t think you’re alone – that seems to be a growing trend in this economy!

Three in 10 young adults live with parents, highest level since 1950s.  A weak economy and high debt levels are prompting more young adults to return to the family nest, a new survey shows. Perhaps surprisingly, most are happy with their living arrangements.  In 1980, some 11 percent of young adults lived in multigenerational households, suggesting that a strong economy helped youngsters gain independence more quickly. Today, some 29 percent of 25- to34-year olds either never moved out of their parents’ home or say they returned home in recent years because of the economy, according to the Pew report. Among 18- to 24-year olds, that figure is even higher – 53 percent of young adults in that age group live at home.  ***MARLAR: And a quick word of advice from someone who had to move back in with his parents for a brief while, even after I got married… there is no room in a hive for two queen bees.  If you’re moving back in with your parents, Mom is in charge, deal with it.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Believe it or not, the average person tells a whopping 88,000 lies in a lifetime, says a recent study that also estimates that men lie 66% more than women. The survey discovered that the average person tells four untruths a day. Broken down by sex, men average five lies a day as compared with three fibs a day for women. Figuring a 60-year lifespan, the study, by British vodka maker WKD, predicts that lifetime lie totals can reach 109,500 for men and 65,700 for women. Most common lies include: “This tastes delicious,” “The check’s in the mail,” “Our server was down,” “I’m stuck in traffic,” “Sorry, I missed your call,” and, of course, the worst lie of all… “I love you.”

The easiest way to drop 10 pounds? App it. A recent study found that those who tracked their meals and exercise over six months using smartphone apps lost an average of 10 pounds, more than those who tracked with diaries or used websites combined. And by the way, if you think you have no time to get fit? If you have one minute to spare, you do have the time. A single minute of very intense exercise produces health benefits that are similar to longer, traditional endurance training, according to researchers from McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario.

Once upon a time, children raced home from school, grabbed a snack and then headed outside to play — sometimes for hours. Fast-forward about 50 years. Only 15 percent of today’s kids get at least 60 minutes of moderate-to-vigorous physical activity every day. Instead of chasing each other around the playground or forming an impromptu neighborhood game of kickball, they’re in the basement playing video games. Nationally, it is recommended that kids get 30 minutes of exercise daily in school and 30 minutes out of school. A study found only 15 percent of the children involved got an hour of daily moderate or vigorous exercise. while at school, just 8 percent were able to get 30 minutes of exercise. The greatest disparity was between boys and girls, with girls being far less likely than boys to meet both of these guidelines. As compared to normal or underweight children, overweight and obese children were also less active overall and achieved fewer minutes of exercise during school, out-of-school and on weekends.

According to a new study, curious children ask an average of 73 questions a day. Led by child psychologist Dr. Sam Wass, British researchers polled 1,500 parents across the United Kingdom. In case you’re wondering, here are the top 10 questions asked by children:
1. Why do people die?
2. Where did I come from?
3. What is God?
4. How was I made?
5. What does “we can’t afford it” mean?
6. Is Father Christmas Real?
7. Why do I have to go to school?
8. When you die who will I live with?
9. Why is the sky blue?
10. Why can’t I stay up as late as you?

Social media was supposed to bring everyone closer together, but a former Facebook exec fears it’s doing the exact opposite. Chamath Palihapitiya, the former Facebook VP of user growth said, “I feel tremendous guilt,” during an appearance in November at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, in a speech just now being widely shared. He added, “I think we have created tools that are ripping apart the social fabric of how society works.” Palihapitiya railed against the “short-term, dopamine-driven feedback loops” where people spend their hours vying for “hearts, likes, thumbs-up,” and he blamed “bad actors” for manipulating online information. There is “no civil discourse, no cooperation,” simply “misinformation [and] mistruth.” He confessed he now rarely uses the network he helped grow and posted just a handful of times over the past seven years. He says, “It’s created huge tension with my friends, huge tensions in my social circles.” Palihapitiya isn’t completely sure how to take back control of Facebook, which he still said “overwhelmingly does positive good in the world,” so he just tries to manage what he can. He did say he doesn’t really use social media and doesn’t’ allow his kids to either. His suggestion for others after this “soul searching”? Take a “hard break” from social media. “If you feed the beast, the beast will destroy you.” (New York Post)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

While some people may scoff over social media and internet games, this 90-year-old woman is crediting Words With Friends for saving her life.  Every morning without fail, Miyoko Saiki uses her tablet to play Words With Friends with her son, who lives in another city, before he has to leave for work. In addition to it being a fun family activity, Saiki says the game keeps her mind sharp.  Recently, however, Saiki’s son logged onto the game’s app only to find that she was not online.  When he was unable to get a hold of her, the anxious family went to her house and found her unconscious on the floor.  She was later taken to the hospital and treated for pneumonia and dehydration.  Thankfully, Saiki is now in ship-shape and ready to celebrate her birthday next week – and she says that it is all thanks to her devotion to Words With Friends.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Not all is well in Birmingham, Alabama – especially at the New Era Baptist Church which has posted an unthinkable sign in front of the church which reads: “Black Folks Need to Stay Out of White Churches.” Ironically, the message is intended for its own members – which are all African American. The other side of the sign reads: “White folks refused to be our neighbors.” Pastor Michael R. Jordan is responsible for the sign but so far has refused to comment. Back in 2013, after George Zimmerman was acquitted in the Trayvon Martin case, he put up a sign that read: “George Zimmerman Jury Supported White Racism.” The latest sign caught the attention of Birmingham Mayor Randall Woodfin who was not pleased. (FOX 19)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

What a great show, I had a lot of fun. After so many years in the radio business, I’m finally starting to get the hang of it. Let’s recap: Turn the microphone on–THEN start talking.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 18, 2018…

Untitled Deadpool Sequel (a.k.a. “Deadpool 2”) —Ryan Reynolds has made this super-hero his own, including foul language and a bad sense of humor. Here comes the second installment, as of this time, without an actual title. In this film, Deadpool has a girlfriend (Morena Baccarin from television’s “Gotham”.) Here comes the villain, Cable (Josh Brolin) and Deadpool wants to do battle but needs help. The theme is a villain from the future hunting a talented teen from today. Deadpool gathers a crew to help from among the mutants.  Good luck, there. “Untitled Deadpool Sequel” is rated R and rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

Show Dogs—Another film about the arena, you say?  This one has a different idea, it’s about a police dog who goes “undercover” to catch crooks at a national dog show. Will the police dog stay on duty or be captivated by that cute little poodle who just strolled by. We shall see.  The cast includes Stanley Tucci, RuPaul, Will Arnett and Natasha Lyonne. “Show Dogs” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

Pope Francis: A Man Of His Word—This documentary by the noted director Wim Wenders takes us into the life of Pope Francis, shows us how he interprets his role as the Pope and how people react to him. “Pope Francis: A Man Of His Word” is rated PG. Rating of 3.

Book Club—This book club doesn’t read the best sellers as such, they got interested in “Fifty Shades of Grey” and it certainly opened their eyes.  The book club—Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen, Jane Fonda and Mary Steenburgen—suddenly find reading to be quite—interesting?  Then, come the guys—Andy Garcia, Richard Dreyfuss, Don Johnson and Craig T. Nelson—and away we go. “Book Club” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

MAY 25, 2018…

Solo and here comes another record breaker at the box office. Aidan Ehrenreich takes on the role of a young Han Solo in the “Star Wars” franchise.Harrison Ford will not be forgotten.

Mary Shelley is the story of the young girl who wrote “Frankenstein” almost 200 years ago.

Future World stars James Franco in a sci-fi film about a new world

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.