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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS
***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150522
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
And now it’s time for (THE JOCK SHOW) – and I’m so sorry I had to be the one to break the news to you.
I swear, it’s like my body is inventing things to go wrong with it. Sure enough, next week my doctor will say I have the flesh-eating virus and he’ll give me 80 years to live.
Yes, dogs are great – but in this house, coffee is man’s best friend.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where they can be eaten by moths and get rusty, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where they will never become moth-eaten or rusty and where they will be safe from thieves. Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be.” –Matthew 6:19-21 (New Living Translation)
I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. — 1 Corinthians 1:10
HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT
If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? — 1 John 3:17
Thought: I love the Bible because it is so gritty with the dirt of real life. In the previous verse, John told his churches that they should be willing to lay down their lives for each other. That’s pretty good in theory, especially when you don’t think it will ever be necessary. But this verse makes the application of that principle an every day reality: Is there somebody in your church in need, then be moved to help them, that’s what laying down your life is all about!
Prayer: Use me, holy and righteous Father, to be your hands and heart in helping those around me. Give me the generosity and the patience it takes to be a blessing to those in need who are a part of my church family, and also those who have not yet come to know Jesus as Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.
“BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Galatians 5:22 NIV = But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness…
TODAY IS FRIDAY – MAY 22, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 218 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is IMMIGRANTS DAY IN CANADA, a day to recognize and celebrate the contributions immigrants make in Canada. ***MARLAR: It’s not a very popular holiday there though, because really – who wants to move to Canada? That’s where all the cold air comes from!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
National Maritime Day
National Wig Out Day
COMING UP NEXT
SATURDAY, MAY 23
International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
International Jazz Day
Julia Pierpont Day
Declaration of the Bab Day
National Taffy Day
World Turtle Day
SUNDAY, MAY 24
International Tiara Day
Morse Code Day
MONDAY, MAY 25
National Missing Children’s Day
National Tap Dance Day
Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day
Prayer for Peace Memorial Day
TUESDAY, MAY 26
World Lindy Hop Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 27
Cellophane Tape Day
THURSDAY, MAY 28
Sierra Club Day
Slugs Return From Capistrano Day
FRIDAY, MAY 29
Learn About Composting Day
International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers ***No wonder the UN can’t keep peace in the world, they’re only working one day out of the year!
ON THIS DAY
1782: Responding to a suggestion from military leaders that Congress was inept and that the U.S. should become a monarchy, General George Washington refused the title of King George the First of the United States and insisted the schemers banish such thoughts from their minds.
1868: “The Great Train Robbery” took place at Marshfield, Indiana by the Reno Gang. They not only made off with $98,000, but they also took the locomotive. ***MARLAR: That can’t be the best getaway vehicle, it’d be too easy to follow your tracks.
1931: The first canned rattlesnake meat was sold in Arcadia, Florida.
1955: Police in Bridgeport, Connecticut, canceled a Fats Domino concert over fears of an anticipated “rock ‘n’ roll riot.”
1966: 16-year old Bruce Springsteen and the Castilles recorded their first and only single, “That’s What You Get” and “Baby I.” It was never released.
1967: “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” premiered on PBS, featuring Rev. Fred Rogers, a Presbyterian minister from Pittsburgh. It’s public television’s longest running children’s program. (audio clip)
1972: The island nation of Ceylon became the republic of Sri Lanka.
1986: Sylvester Stallone became the richest actor in Hollywood with a 10-picture, six-year deal with United Artists for a reported $15 million per film. ***MARLAR: Pretty impressive considering we could never understand a thing the guy was saying.
1987: Rick Hansen arrived back home in Vancouver after traveling 24,901 miles across four continents and 34 countries in 26 months in his wheelchair. He had been paralyzed from the waist down since 1973.
1992: Michael Jackson paid for the funeral of a 9-year-old boy who had been killed in a drive-by shooting.
1992: Johnny Carson hosted “The Tonight Show” for the final time. Announcer Ed McMahon and bandleader Doc Severinson also retired from the show. (audio clip)
1999: A mountain climber who had gotten lost for 15 days on Mt. Isasuge was finally rescued by a Japanese fisherman. The mountain climber, Eiichi Urata, after eating his two days of food survived the rest of his ordeal eating the extra mayonnaise he’d packed. ***MARLAR: He survived, despite suffering frostbite and clogged arteries.
2002: A Birmingham, Alabama, jury convicted former Ku Klux Klansman Bobby Frank Cherry of murder in the 1963 church bombing that killed four young girls.
2003: Annika Sorenstam became the first woman since Babe Didrikson Zaharias in 1945 to play against men on the pro tour. She missed the cut by four shots the follow day at the Colonial golf tournament in Fort Worth, Texas.
2004: Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11,” a scathing documentary about White House actions after the September 11th terrorist attacks, won first prize at the Cannes Film Festival.
2006: The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs reported a computer containing personal information on some 26.5 million veterans and spouses had been stolen.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
337: Constantine, the first Christian emperor of Rome, dies. Though known for calling the Council of Nicea (which condemned the Arian heresy) and for beginning the process of Christianizing the empire, he waited until just before his death before he finally accepted baptism into the church.
452: Leo, bishop of Rome, sends three angry letters to protest the Council of Chalcedon’s recent elevation of Constantinople to the preeminent see in Christendom. The two cities had been placed on equal footing by a 381 ecumenical council in Constantinople, but Chalcedon tipped the scale, saying that since the imperial capital had moved to “New Rome” (Constantinople), that city deserved the benefits Rome once enjoyed. This event was one of many leading up to the East-West schism of 1054.
1789: The first American Presbyterian General Assembly convenes in Philadelphia.
1883: Billy Sunday, who would become the greatest American tent revivalist after a career in professional baseball, has his first at bat playing for the Chicago White Stockings. He struck out his first 14 attempts.
1938: M. R. DeHaan resigns from the Calvary Undenominational Church he had formed in Grand Rapids Michigan after trying to nullify church elections and having an injunction slapped on him by the courts when six men sued, 5 of them ex-members.
1944: The Gospel Mission of South American was incorporated by Reverend William Strong in Conception, Chile. He had founded the work under the name Soldier’s Gospel Mission several years earlier.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (The People Under the Stairs, Rayanne Graff on “My So Called Life,” Julie on “Coach,” Kathleen Doyle on “Brooklyn South”) A.J. Langer 41 (audio clip)
- actress (daughter of Clint Eastwood, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, One Long Night, Once Fallen) Alison Eastwood 43
- model (Simone on “New York Undercover”) Naomi Campbell 45 (audio clip)
- actor (Catch-22, Westworld, Deconstructing Harry) Richard Benjamin is 77
- actor (Santa in Prancer, Gus in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) Michael Constantine 88
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1813 : Richard Wagner
1930 : Kenny Ball
1936 : Dallas Taylor (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young)
1950 : Bernie Taupin
1954 : Jerry Dammers (The Specials)
1959 : Morrissey
1962 : Jesse Valenzuela (The Gin Blossoms)
1966 : Johnny Gill
1967 : Dan Roberts (Crash Test Dummies)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Does a person’s life really flash before them when they’re dying?
What might there be about the threat of death that inspires a sudden indulgence in autobiography? Wouldn’t the mind be fixed on other things, such as, “How the heck can I get out of here?” Yet so many people have described this phenomenon — which makes it real enough–that scientists have been compelled to try to explain it. Two theories have been proposed. The first holds that a threat as traumatic as that of imminent demise from any cause, not just drowning, automatically triggers the release of memories that one always retains but usually doesn’t recall. The other explanation points to hardware breakdown. Cutting the flow of oxygen to the brain makes its electrical impulses go haywire, catapulting long-stored memories into one’s consciousness helter skelter.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Jimmy Needham was the recipient of his daughter Lively’s honest over the weekend. She announced: “Look! My belly’s getting bigger like Daddy’s!”
Jonny Diaz had a rough night recently. He tweeted: Man. That was brutal! Sometimes everything that can go wrong on stage does. But, the God I sang about is still good!
Moriah Peters was struggling with jet lag this week. She is in Denmark and tweeted: It’s 6am and I’m wide awake in bed drinking tea.
Jamie Grace: my favorite activity is going into Morgan’s phone and sending selfies to random people in her contacts. Jamie says she is a professional little sister
Ellie Holcomb still needs your pictures as she creates a video for her song Do Not Worry from her Rain for Roots CD. She says there is still time to send in your pictures. Just dress your kids as kings, queens, flowers or birds and then submit your pictures with the hashtag song creation sings.
Meredith Andrews was a little overwhelmed when she returned home this week. Meredith had been away from more than two weeks and shared a picture of her couch. It was completely covered in dirty clothes and Meredith says that was just her kids clothes. She tweeted: When you’re away on tour, you come back to this.
A little insight into the life of Jamie Grace. She shared on Instagram this week: I’m a fighter. Not because my life is perfect or even easy. But because I choose to run my Creator… To my Savior… even when I’m hurting, scared, frustrated or sick. I choose to lean on the One who will never leave me. We can’t always choose what happens in our lives but we can choose how we respond to it. Let’s choose to depend on the One who will always be there. Let’s choose to keep pressing on! Choose to be a fighter!
Francesca Battistelli helping bring attention to a horrifying fact: You can buy a pair of NIKE running shoes for what they are buying a Christian Iraqi girl from 1-9 years of age for — $172 dollars. Francesca also shared a link to the web site A Holy Experience. The organization is calling on the church to sit up and take notice.
Kerrie Roberts says she was inspired by a speaking engagement last weekend and so now has expanded her talk into a little blog. Her topic is on being satisfied. For Kerrie that meant going from the desire to be a mega famous diva to accepting and even enjoying life as an independent artist.
Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips says it’s time for meat pies. He tweeted that he enjoys the Australian dish from time to time and he just pulled the latest batch out of the oven. Duncan now makes home in the states but is a native Australian.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Man evades police, then caught while returning for lost hat
EASTLAKE, Ohio (AP) — An 18-year-old had successfully eluded officers in northeast Ohio, but a search for his missing hat led him back into the hands of police. HASH(0x142a050) Authorities say Montgomery sped up when an officer pursued him, then pulled into a driveway and ran away on foot….
|Large stuffed tiger atop SUV generates 911 call photo
CAMAS, Wash. (AP) — The sight of a stuffed tiger — a very large stuffed tiger — lashed to the top of an SUV cruising around a southwest Washington lake was enough to generate a 911 call from someone who apparently thought it was real. The Columbian newspaper of Vancouver reports…
|Police seek man who swiped nearly $3K bottle of cognac
LINDEN, N.J. (AP) — Police in central New Jersey are seeking a thief who apparently appreciates the finer things in life. Linden police say a shoplifter stole a bottle of Remy Martin Louis XIII cognac valued at $2,849 from Pied Piper Liquor Store on May 16th. Police say the store’s owner…
|Bone Thugs-n-Harmony rapper helps driver in diabetic shock photo
CASPER, Wyo. (AP) — Rapper Layzie Bone of the Grammy Award-winning group Bone Thugs-n-Harmony helped a driver who went into diabetic shock and nearly ran into the performer’s vehicle in Wyoming. HASH(0x1419e20) Layzie Bone told the station that he rushed to the man and offered him apples and…
|Ohio man finds canister containing 21-year-old message
IONIA, Mich. (AP) — It isn’t quite a message in a bottle, but an Ohio man says he found a 21-year-old message secreted in a camera film case that had traveled some 40 miles down the Grand River in western Michigan. HASH(0x13f75e0) “It’s in pretty good condition really. I mean, it was water…
|Squatters evicted: 40,000 bees removed from NYC home
NEW YORK (AP) — It wasn’t a monster making a ruckus under the floor of a New York City bedroom. But it was still a bit scary. An expert called to find the source of a loud, buzzing noise found about 40,000 bees in a Queens home. Retired NYPD Detective Anthony Planakis, known as Tony Bees, was…
|Disney World tells riders to stop using selfie sticks
ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — Disney World is looking to crack down on guests who use selfie sticks on rides at the park. HASH(0x141a590) Disney policy forbids visitors from using the sticks, which can be used to extend cameras out up to 3 feet. One ride, Thunder Mountain, has had a number of…
|Iowa Capitol evacuated for burnt pizza crust
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Weeks after burned macaroni and cheese emptied out the Iowa Capitol, a charred pizza crust has done it again. The crust burned Tuesday morning in the Capitol cafeteria, prompting a brief evacuation. Department of Administrative Services Spokesman Caleb Hunter says…
|Dubuque worker rescues 10 ducklings from storm drain photo
DUBUQUE, Iowa (AP) — A reunited family of ducks waddled away soon after a city sewer worker rescued 10 ducklings from a Dubuque storm drain. HASH(0x13f76c0) Bill Kelly and other city sewer workers arrived and removed the heavy drain grill so he could reach the ducklings and move them to…
|If you can make it there: Acts try out for NY subway spots photo
NEW YORK (AP) — It’s a rite of spring: performers auditioning for the privilege of doing their thing in grubby, noisy subway stations. Seventy showed up Tuesday at Grand Central Terminal, vying for permission to set up their underground acts for tips. They appeared before a jury of musicians…
|Police: Burglar breaks into house, falls asleep on couch
SARASOTA, Fla. (AP) — Police in Sarasota, Florida, have arrested a man they say broke into a home, then fell asleep on the couch. HASH(0x13d1aa0) Police say the resident woke up and found Bontrager sleeping on her living room couch. When she asked Bontrager what he was doing in her house, he…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Man who caught listeria-related meningitis sues Blue Bell
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — A man is suing Blue Bell, saying he contracted listeria-related meningitis after eating ice cream produced by the company. David Philip Shockley seeks unspecified damages in the negligence lawsuit filed Tuesday in Austin. Texas-based Blue Bell recalled all its ice cream…
|Koch, Kravis donate total of $250M for hospitals, research
NEW YORK (AP) — Industrialist David H. Koch (kohk) and financier Henry R. Kravis have made separate donations totaling $250 million for hospitals and medical research in New York City. HASH(0x13df670) His donation will help build a $1.3 billion, 23-story outpatient cancer center in Manhattan….
|Obama calls climate change an ‘indisputable’ security threat photo
NEW LONDON, Conn. (AP) — President Barack Obama has argued for action on climate change as a matter of health, environmental protection and international obligation. On Wednesday, he added national security. Those who deny global warming are putting at risk the United States and the military…
|FDA proposes to know more about antibiotic use in animals
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Food and Drug Administration is moving to collect more information on antibiotics used in animals that become meat. It’s an effort to stem antibiotic-resistant diseases. The agency proposed a rule Tuesday that would require drug companies to collect sales information…
|Expert panel criticizes medical care at Illinois prisons photo
CHICAGO (AP) — A scathing new report by court-approved researchers paints a bleak picture of medical care in Illinois prisons, describing extended treatment delays, haphazard follow-up care, chaotic record keeping and a litany of other problems. The 405-page report, based on prison visits…
|ConAgra to pay $11.2M to settle salmonella criminal case
SAVANNAH, Ga. (AP) — ConAgra Foods agreed Wednesday to pay $11.2 million, a sum that includes the highest criminal fine ever in a U.S. food safety case, to settle a federal charge that the company shipped Peter Pan peanut butter tainted with salmonella from a plant in Georgia, sickening more…
|Egg prices jump as impact of bird flu begins pinching supply
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Egg prices have surged higher as the death of millions of hens from bird flu is beginning to tighten supplies. The Midwest price of a dozen large eggs rose to $1.88. That’s 58 percent higher than they were a month ago when the bird flu first hit Iowa chicken farms….
|Health officials: New strain of rabies found in New Mexico
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) — A new strain of rabies has been discovered in southern New Mexico, federal and state health officials confirmed Tuesday. While it doesn’t present any more of a public health threat than the known strains of the potentially fatal disease, the discovery is generating…
|Suicides rare in young children; rate edged up in black boys
CHICAGO (AP) — Suicides by young children are rare and the low rate has held mostly stable except for a troubling increase among black boys, two decades of U.S. data show. From 1993 through 2012, there were 657 suicides among children aged 5 through 11. Most were 10 or 11. In the last decade,…
|Dog food company recalls product over salmonella fears
RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, Calif. (AP) — A specialty dog food company is voluntarily recalling a frozen product distributed in four states over fears of possible salmonella contamination. The Food & Drug Administration said last week that California-based OC Raw Dog has recalled its Turkey &…
|US investigation of 2007 peanut butter recall wraps up photo
OMAHA, Neb. (AP) — ConAgra Foods is likely to face a criminal charge now that the U.S. government has completed its investigation of the company’s 2007 peanut butter recall. A spokeswoman for the U.S. attorney’s office in Georgia, Pam Lightsey, said Tuesday that prosecutors plan to reveal…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A 10-ton lump of wet wipes and fat has been removed from a sewer in west London. The toxic lump of congealed fat and household waste — known as a fatberg — was 132 feet long. ***Sanitation workers have named it “Michael Moore”.
Roughly three in five adult Americans not maintaining a budget and 14% lacking a solid sense of their monthly spending habits. With that in mind, the financial organization WalletHub decided to conducted an in-depth analysis of 2015’s Metro Areas with the Best and Worst Budgeters. According to the study, the upper midwest has some very budget conscious residents while the south might have some work to do. Eight of the 10 metro areas with the best budgeters were in Iowa, Minnesota, South Dakota and North Dakota. Meanwhile, the study found that all but one of the worst budgeting cities were in the south, specifically in Louisiana, Georgia, and Mississippi. The one town not in the south was Las Vegas, Nevada. ***Surprisingly, Washington DC came in at #40 – not #150. Then again, that’s probably because they were looking at everybody that lives there – not just Congress.
Kraft says it will remove artificial colors and flavors from its original recipe Macaroni & Cheese dinners as U.S. customers increasingly demand quality ingredients. The new and improved Mac & Cheese will hit stores starting in January. ***And looks completely unappealing.
On Tuesday morning a charred pizza crust forced the evacuation of the Iowa Capitol building. Nothing was damaged and no one was injured. ***Although, you have to admit, burnt pizza truly is an emergency.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
According to a study from Harvard Medical School in Boston, fresh blooms brighten more than a room; they also lift your mood. ***MARLAR: For those with allergies, they suggest watching a movie starring Orlando Bloom.
Even when healthy, some people religiously head to the doctor every year for a physical exam, which is often covered by health insurance. But a new review from Danish researchers concludes there is little benefit to such routine exams on healthy people. The researchers analyzed information from 183,000 people who took part in 14 trials carried out in Europe and the United States. In all the trials, participants were randomly assigned to either receive a routine health check — involving screening tests, a physical exam, or advice about lifestyle changes — or not receive one. Results showed patients who received routine health checks were just as likely to die over a nine-year period compared with those who did not receive health checks. ***MARLAR: Wait a minute… regardless of what I do, I’m likely to die in the next nine years? How come nobody is reporting THAT?!?!?
Recent research suggests that your computer keyboard may be dirtier than a toilet seat. ***MARLAR: They’ve obviously never seen my bathroom.
Smooth or hairy? If given the choice, women love smooth. Researchers asked women to compare the attractiveness of men before and after shaving their chest. The majority of women loved a smooth chest, while only 20% wanted the “Magnum P.I.” look. ***MARLAR: In a reversal study, 100% of men said that when it comes to hairy or smooth, they prefer women with smooth chests.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Scream at Bottom of Lungs”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kenn Kington, “Be Whatever You Want To Be”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey had tried everything he could think of to somehow be better than Steve Mozart. But the more he tried, the worse things got… and now he’s in the hospital. But he couldn’t even do that better than Steve Mozart, because HE’S in the hospital too – and in worse condition!
CLOSE: Is it true, will Steve Mozart really live? Will Millard still live? Will Steve be okay in time for his concert – and will Millard still be angry about Steve being better than him? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 23/24, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were suffering from having so much to do in their daily schedules. So much, in fact, that they even stopped sleeping just to get everything done! Planners, DayTimers, lists, appointments, it was getting so bad they didn’t have time for anything else!
CLOSE: Sounds like the animals, in their rush to get things done, don’t even have time now for common courtesy and niceness! Tune in again next time for more of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
A man met a really hot chick at Drake’s Bar in Kendall, Florida… and we mean that literally!
A 20-something woman at Drake’s Bar in Kendall, Florida agreed to help out with a display involving liquor and fire. As the woman danced on the bar she noticed that the aforementioned liquor and fire had set her foot ablaze. She panicked and accidentally kicked the flaming mixture onto a man passing by. The man suffered burns to about 20 percent of his upper body and both were taken to a hospital.
TOP TEN COMMANDMENTS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT
- Thou shalt not use outdated English like “thou shalt” to make My commandments seem more impressive.
- Thou shalt watch Football on the Sabbath and dress in the colors of one’s team.
- Thou shalt not eat thy dessert until thy vegetables are eaten.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s power tools.
- Thou shalt pay tithes in small, unmarked bills.
- Thou shalt use thy turn signal.
- Thou shalt keep voicemails brief and not mumble any pertinent phone numbers.
- Thou shalt not run with scissors.
- Let it be he who calls shotgun forthright, be he who sitteth thusly.
- Thou shalt not telephone solicit during dinnertime
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A duck breaks the speed limit in today’s files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: A police camera filmed a duck breaking the speed limit in Germany. It registered 39 kilometers an hour in a 30 kilometer an hour zone. The duck was flying a few centimeters above street level when it triggered the speed camera. A police spokesman says they haven’t been able to trace the offender but she is free to go.
FILE #2: Apparently pizza can’t be classified as brain food. Jacksonville, Florida’s Joseph Whittenton was arrested after he broke into a Hungry Howie’s Pizza and stole cash and credit card receipts. And how do they know it was Joseph on the surveillance camera video? It seems Joseph works for Hungry Howie’s at the very same location he broke into and he was still wearing his uniform during the break in.
FILE #3: When 31-year-old Peter Howeler entered the bank he wanted to rob, he didn’t anticipate seeing a security guard. Peter quickly stuffed his gun in his back pocket, but as he did it, the gun went off and Peter shot himself in the, uh, backside. He was rushed to the hospital and was later charged with attempted robbery.
STRANGE LAW: In Texas a recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
From Harrisonburg, Virginia comes the story of James Martin who was entering the county courthouse to pay a fine stemming from a 1999 drug bust when the metal detector went off. “Sorry,” the guard said, “you’ll have to empty your pockets.”
Trying to find what was setting off the alarm, James reached deep into one of his pockets and pulled out a dime, which he handed to the guard. He then reached even deeper into one of his other pockets and pulled out a plastic bag. Full of marijuana. Which he also handed to the guard. He’s headed back to jail now… where they have plenty of metal detectors.
A friend of mine is just now starting to date again after breaking up with his girlfriend a few months ago. He’s online dating. He’s a good guy and insists on paying. But that gets expensive, so I suggested that maybe he meets a few dates at a coffee bar or something, but my friend thinks that sounds cheap. So I’m putting the question to you – where’s the best place to go in town for a first date?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What violent son of Gideon was killed by a woman who dropped a millstone on his head?
ANSWER: Abimelech (Judges 9:53)
QUESTION: What was the first magazine to sell a billion copies in a year?
ANSWER: TV Guide
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The ultrasound technology called “Doppler” is used today in weather mapping, brain surgery, and cardiology. (True)
- “Zorro” is a Spanish word for “Horse”. (False, it’s Spanish for “Fox”)
- Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he didn’t wear pants. (True)
- According to the American Film Institute, the #1 movie song of the past 100 years was “Hakuna Matada” (False, it was “Over the Rainbow”)
- Monty Hall was one of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (False, the turtles were: Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo, and Michelangelo)
- John Larroquette, the “Night Court” actor, narrated the 1975 B-rate horror flick “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. (True)
- The name of the dog from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is Spot. (False, it’s Max)
- In the world of music, Budapest, Julliard, and Cleveland are all prominent Opera Houses. (False, they’re prominent String Quartets)
- Including TV versions, Adam West has played both Batman and Simon Templar (aka The Saint). (False, that was Val Kilmer)
- Geena Davis is an Oscar winner and a Mensa member, and in 1999 she tried out for Olympics. (True, for Archery)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
_____ POUND BRIDE (800)
Susanne Eman isn’t like any other bride. She’s the only one who weighs 800 pounds and eats 30,000 calories a day.
Eman is currently on a quest to become the fattest woman ever, beating the 1200 pound mark once held by Rosalie Bradford, who died in 2006.
She also has found someone who loves her just the way she is: 35-year-old chef Parker Clack. The couple met online.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.” The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.
He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”
Ah… so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck”
The local high school has a policy that the parent’s must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent’s had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?” Kelly: “This is my mother.”
The pastor of a local church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went BOING and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?”
She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.”
She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”
If your boss can’t give you a raise, what’s the next best thing? How about a new job title? A new survey says that almost 70% of most office workers would be willing to give up a pay raise in return for a more professional sounding job title. Filing clerks could be called “data storage specialists”. Janitors could become “Custodial Engineers.” ***MARLAR: They did this to me too. Instead of a raise, I’m now an “On Air Personality” – which is a drastic improvement from my old job title of “Monkey Boy Button Pusher”.
In California an amusement park operator has taken down an inflatable slide called the “Titanic” after someone complained that the name was offensive. ***MARLAR: But then, is there anything Californians are NOT offended by?
LET THERE BE LIGHTBULB JOKES…
Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None, if it needs changing, the free market will take care of it.
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding? 50.
Q: Why 50?
A: It’s in the contract.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Most parents pray their kids will never grow up to join a street gang. In Commerce City, Colorado, one couple was actually fighting about which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join!
19-year-old Joseph Manzanares, who is a member of the Westside Ballers Hispanic gang, stormed into the Hollywood Video store where his girlfriend works, threatened to kill her and then knocked over several video displays and a computer. She, by the way, is also a teenager and a member of the Crips. She told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to. Joseph was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, harassment, and domestic violence. ***MARLAR: I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that this kid has absolutely no chance for anything that resembles a normal life.
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE, I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK
- One: Don’t miss the boat.
- Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
- Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
- Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
- Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
- Six: Build your future on high ground.
- Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
- Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
- Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.
- Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
- Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
WHOSE ARE YOU?
READ: Psalm 24
The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell therein. —Psalm 24:1
You’re not the boss of me!” Have you ever heard a child make this statement to someone in authority? It’s the child’s attempt to assert his or her independence.
It’s not just children, though. No matter what our age, we don’t like having someone tell us what to do. After all, that person might ask us to do something we don’t want to do, or put us in a situation we don’t want to be in.
Therein lies the fear of trusting God. Afraid of putting control of our life into His hands, we prefer to dig in and say, “You’re not the boss of me.”
There’s a serious problem with that line of thinking: It’s not accurate. In reality, we cannot tell God that He’s not in charge. In Psalm 24, David said, “The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell therein” (v.1). God is the boss of “those who dwell” in the world. That means all of us.
Our response, therefore, of trusting Him and turning our life over to Him comes when we acknowledge His authority. We say to Him, “Lord, You are the boss of me! I acknowledge Your ownership, and I want to work with You to accomplish Your will.”
We are God’s. He is in charge. Our job is to trust in Him and live for Him. —Dave Branon
Now I belong to Jesus,
Jesus belongs to me,
Not for the years of time alone,
But for eternity. —Clayton
You are not your own. . . . You were bought at a price. —1 Corinthians 6:19-20
REASONS WHY MARRIAGES FAIL
No matter how much you love each other, your marriage could be doomed to failure by such mundane factors as your age, previous relationships, parents or even the nasty habit of smoking, according to a study entitled “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” which identified factors that are most likely to sever relationships. The top eight reasons why your marriage might fail:
- When a man is nine or more years older than his wife, they are twice as likely to get divorced, compared with couples who are closer in age.
- Men who marry before age 25 are twice as likely to get divorced than men who marry at an older age.
- Twenty percent of couples who have children before they marry — either from the same relationship or a previous relationship — divorce or separate, compared to just nine percent of couples who wait to have children until after they are married. The number of children a couple have after they are married does not affect the rate of divorce.
- Couples are far more likely to divorce if the woman wants to have children much more than does her partner.
- Sixteen percent of couples whose parents ever separated or divorced, experience marital separation themselves, compared with 10 percent of those whose parents did not separate or divorce.
- When one of the partners is in his or her second or third marriage, the couple is 90 percent more likely to separate or divorce than couples who are both in their first marriage.
- Sixteen percent of couples who identified themselves as poor or where the husband was unemployed, ended up separating or divorcing, compared with only nine percent of couples who reported healthy finances. The wife’s employment status did not affect the stability of the marriage.
- When one — but not the other — partner smokes, the marriage is far more likely to end in failure than for couples where both or neither partner smokes.
LIFE… LIVE IT
If you’re like most people, you probably use the same password for multiple Web pages. As you might guess, this makes things much easier for cyber crooks. The problem with repeating passwords is that once a hacker breaks into one account they can easily get into all your other accounts. Experts warn that just because the bad guys haven’t gotten to you yet, don’t underestimate them. They recommend that even though it’s a hassle, to come up with different passwords and then write them down in case you forget them and to change them once in awhile.
JUST FOR FUN
WATER YOU TALKING ABOUT?
A woman in Texas receives a water bill of $1,400! But she does have a solution!
Maria Veguilla, a Wichita Falls, Texas, resident, has a problem. Normally her water bill is around $30 or so… but in March it came to $1,400! Seems she had a leak in her home. City officials are refusing to waive the charge too – because the water did go through her pipes. Of course, Maria says she can’t pay it. So they’ve come up with a compromise. Maria will pay an extra dollar every month until the bill is paid in full… meaning that the bill will finally be paid off in the year 2115. ***MARLAR: Wow! If the water company truly expects her to be able to pay until 2115, what’s in the water that makes them think she’ll live that long… and how can I get this water?
WAYS TO BE ANNOYING
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist that you “like it that way.”
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Ask 800 operators for dates.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Specify that your drive through order is “to go.”
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all of your clothes.
- Write “X – Buried Treasure” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.”
- Stand over someone’s shoulder and mumble as they read.
- Finish the “99 Bottles of Beer” song.
- Name your dog “Dog.”
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
- At a golf tournament chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
- Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
- Select the same song on the juke box fifty times.
- When reaching for something, exclaim “Go Go Gadget Arm!”
- Walk into a gift shop and yell “Where’s my gift?”
- Walk into a store on Sunday and scream “Are you open Thursdays?”
- Bring your own mattress to a hotel.
- Always Always speak speak in in doubles doubles..
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Your favorite swimming pool may be closing soon!
The US Justice Department issued a 60-day stay of execution for hundreds of thousands of public pools which had been required to install ramps and wheelchair lifts by today or else face lawsuits over violating disability laws. President Obama in 2010 dramatically expanded the rules for access under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and the new regulations mean that every publicly accessible pool — from municipal facilities to hotels — must have two “accessible means of entry,” at least one of which must be a ramp or wheelchair lift. Spas must also have either a lift or a transfer system to help the disabled enter them, under the new rules. Under the law, non-compliant facilities can be sued. And in many cases, closing down would be cheaper than battling a lawsuit. ***MARLAR: So clean your bathtub – it might be doubling as a wading pool this Summer!
THE WAY WE WORK
(Wednesdays Only. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.
Stuck at the desk all day? Time Magazine says sitting in a static positions all day can leave your neck, shoulders, back, and hips feeling tight and most likely out of their proper alignment. In light of that fact, they have a list of 5 stretches you can do every day, and anywhere, to combat these stubborn aches and pains. http://ti.me/1Feo0F2
What would you do if your boss came to you and offered to pay you $1,000,000 per year salary? Would you take it?
While nine public university presidents made more than $1 million, incoming University of Texas at Austin President Gregory Fenves didn’t want to be one of them. According to the Huffington Post, The school announced last month that Fenves would begin as UT-Austin’s president in June with a base salary of $750,000 a year. What they did not mention was that UT-Austin proposed a $1 million base salary. Fenves wrote back to the university requesting a $750,000 base salary with a 10 percent bonus. He said “$1M is too high for a public university.”
You Now Have a Shorter Attention Span Than a Goldfish. According to Time Magazine, The average attention span for the goldfish is nine seconds, but according to a new study from Microsoft Corp., people now generally lose concentration after eight seconds. They say the change highlights the affects of an increasingly digitalized lifestyle on the brain. Researchers in Canada surveyed 2,000 participants and studied the brain activity of 112 others. Microsoft found that since the year 2000, or about when the mobile revolution began, the average attention span dropped from 12 seconds to eight seconds.
When Lizzie Valverde graduated from Columbia University on Monday, she had two special supporters in the crowd: her long-lost sister and their birth mother. According to ABC News, Valverde, 35, and Katy Olson, 34, met two and a half years ago, on the first day of a writing class at Columbia. Both women already had a lot in common: they were returning to college in their 30s and both wanted to pursue their passion of writing. But that day, the women discovered something more — that they are sisters. Their Mom, Leslie Parker, was a teenager when she gave them up for adoption.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. –Groucho Marx
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MAY 22, 2015…
Poltergeist— Produced by Sam Raimi. It is a remake of the classic horror film about haunting a family. The cast includes Sam Rockwell, Jared Harris, Rosemary DeWitt and Jane Adams. Brings the story up-to-date and the disappearance of a daughter brings terror to the family. I remember the first film and the television set. “Poltergeist” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Tomorrow land (title in Great Britain is “Disney Tomorrowland: A World Beyond“)—Theme Park written all over it…..this movie stars George Clooney as a guy who once went there, and Britt Robertson as the girl who hopes to find it. What? A unique place where inventors live. Travel is with a special brooch. Also in the cast are Hugh Laurie, Thomas Robinson, Tim McGraw and Judy Greer. “Tomorrowland” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the genre and George Clooney.
Slow West (opening in select cities)—Kodi Smit-McPhee comes to America from The British Isles hoping to find his runaway girlfriend. The Old West is not kind to him and a friendly stranger (the worst kind and played by Michael Fassbender) helps him out. Just what agenda’s are going on here, anyway? Cast includes Ben Mendelson and Caron Pistorius. “Slow West” is rated R. No rating.
MAY 29, 2015…
Aloha is a romantic comedy with Bradley Cooper and Emma Stone, plus written by Cameron Crowe. About love in the military.
San Andreas 3 D is the weekend action film starring Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) as a helicopter rescue pilot trying to find his lost daughter.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.