May 22, 2016: Sunday ONAIRprep

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160522

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now it’s time for (THE JOCK SHOW) – and I’m so sorry I had to be the one to break the news to you.

 

I swear, it’s like my body is inventing things to go wrong with it.  Sure enough, next week my doctor will say I have the flesh-eating virus and he’ll give me 80 years to live.

 

Yes, dogs are great – but in this house, coffee is man’s best friend.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where they can be eaten by moths and get rusty, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where they will never become moth-eaten or rusty and where they will be safe from thieves. Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be.” –Matthew 6:19-21 (New Living Translation)

 

I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. — 1 Corinthians 1:10

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? — 1 John 3:17

 

Thought: I love the Bible because it is so gritty with the dirt of real life. In the previous verse, John told his churches that they should be willing to lay down their lives for each other. That’s pretty good in theory, especially when you don’t think it will ever be necessary. But this verse makes the application of that principle an every day reality: Is there somebody in your church in need, then be moved to help them, that’s what laying down your life is all about!

 

Prayer: Use me, holy and righteous Father, to be your hands and heart in helping those around me. Give me the generosity and the patience it takes to be a blessing to those in need who are a part of my church family, and also those who have not yet come to know Jesus as Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Galatians 5:22 NIV = But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness…

 

 

TODAY IS SUNDAY – MAY 22, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 216 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is IMMIGRANTS DAY IN CANADA, a day to recognize and celebrate the contributions immigrants make in Canada.   ***MARLAR: It’s not a very popular holiday there though, because really – who wants to move to Canada?  That’s where all the cold air comes from!

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Harvey Milk Day

Neighbor Day

International Day for Biological Diversity

National Maritime Day

U.S. Colored Troops Day

World Goth Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

MONDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula

Declaration of the Bab Day

National Taffy Day

World Crohn’s and Colitis Day

World Turtle Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 24

Brothers Day

International Tiara Day

Morse Code Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday

National Missing Children’s Day

National Tap Dance Day

National Senior Health & Fitness Day

Nerd Pride Day

Geek Pride Day

Towel Day

World MS Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 26

Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day

Red Nose Day
World Lindy Hop Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 27

Cellophane Tape Day

Don’t Fry Day

Heat Awareness Day

Hug Your Cat Day

National Title Track Day

National Wig Out Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 28

International Jazz Day

Julia Pierpont Day

Menstrual Hygiene Day ***Eww!

National Hamburger Day

National Polka Day

Sierra Club Day

Slugs Return From Capistrano Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 29

Indianapolis 500

Learn About Composting Day

Put a Pillow On Your Fridge Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 30

Loomis Day

Memorial Day

Mint Julep Day

Prayer for Peace Memorial Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 31

What You Think Upon Grows Day

World No-Tobacco Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1782: Responding to a suggestion from military leaders that Congress was inept and that the U.S. should become a monarchy, General George Washington refused the title of King George the First of the United States and insisted the schemers banish such thoughts from their minds.

 

1868: “The Great Train Robbery” took place at Marshfield, Indiana by the Reno Gang. They not only made off with $98,000, but they also took the locomotive. ***MARLAR: That can’t be the best getaway vehicle, it’d be too easy to follow your tracks.

 

1931: The first canned rattlesnake meat was sold in Arcadia, Florida.

 

1955: Police in Bridgeport, Connecticut, canceled a Fats Domino concert over fears of an anticipated “rock ‘n’ roll riot.”

 

1966: 16-year old Bruce Springsteen and the Castilles recorded their first and only single, “That’s What You Get” and “Baby I.” It was never released.

 

1967: “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” premiered on PBS, featuring Rev. Fred Rogers, a Presbyterian minister from Pittsburgh. It’s public television’s longest running children’s program. (audio clip)

 

1972: The island nation of Ceylon became the republic of Sri Lanka.

 

1986: Sylvester Stallone became the richest actor in Hollywood with a 10-picture, six-year deal with United Artists for a reported $15 million per film. ***MARLAR: Pretty impressive considering we could never understand a thing the guy was saying.

 

1987: Rick Hansen arrived back home in Vancouver after traveling 24,901 miles across four continents and 34 countries in 26 months in his wheelchair. He had been paralyzed from the waist down since 1973.

 

1992: Michael Jackson paid for the funeral of a 9-year-old boy who had been killed in a drive-by shooting.

 

1992: Johnny Carson hosted “The Tonight Show” for the final time. Announcer Ed McMahon and bandleader Doc Severinson also retired from the show. (audio clip)

 

1999: A mountain climber who had gotten lost for 15 days on Mt. Isasuge was finally rescued by a Japanese fisherman. The mountain climber, Eiichi Urata, after eating his two days of food survived the rest of his ordeal eating the extra mayonnaise he’d packed. ***MARLAR: He survived, despite suffering frostbite and clogged arteries.

 

2002: A Birmingham, Alabama, jury convicted former Ku Klux Klansman Bobby Frank Cherry of murder in the 1963 church bombing that killed four young girls.

 

2003: Annika Sorenstam became the first woman since Babe Didrikson Zaharias in 1945 to play against men on the pro tour. She missed the cut by four shots the follow day at the Colonial golf tournament in Fort Worth, Texas.

 

2004: Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11,” a scathing documentary about White House actions after the September 11th terrorist attacks, won first prize at the Cannes Film Festival.

 

2006: The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs reported a computer containing personal information on some 26.5 million veterans and spouses had been stolen.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

337: Constantine, the first Christian emperor of Rome, dies. Though known for calling the Council of Nicea (which condemned the Arian heresy) and for beginning the process of Christianizing the empire, he waited until just before his death before he finally accepted baptism into the church.

 

452: Leo, bishop of Rome, sends three angry letters to protest the Council of Chalcedon’s recent elevation of Constantinople to the preeminent see in Christendom. The two cities had been placed on equal footing by a 381 ecumenical council in Constantinople, but Chalcedon tipped the scale, saying that since the imperial capital had moved to “New Rome” (Constantinople), that city deserved the benefits Rome once enjoyed. This event was one of many leading up to the East-West schism of 1054.

 

1789: The first American Presbyterian General Assembly convenes in Philadelphia.

 

1883: Billy Sunday, who would become the greatest American tent revivalist after a career in professional baseball, has his first at bat playing for the Chicago White Stockings. He struck out his first 14 attempts.

 

1938: M. R. DeHaan resigns from the Calvary Undenominational Church he had formed in Grand Rapids Michigan after trying to nullify church elections and having an injunction slapped on him by the courts when six men sued, 5 of them ex-members.

 

1944: The Gospel Mission of South American was incorporated by Reverend William Strong in Conception, Chile. He had founded the work under the name Soldier’s Gospel Mission several years earlier.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The People Under the Stairs, Rayanne Graff on “My So Called Life,” Julie on “Coach,” Kathleen Doyle on “Brooklyn South”) A.J. Langer 42 (audio clip)
  • actress (daughter of Clint Eastwood, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, One Long Night, Once Fallen) Alison Eastwood 44
  • model (Simone on “New York Undercover”) Naomi Campbell 46 (audio clip)
  • actor (Catch-22, Westworld, Deconstructing Harry) Richard Benjamin is 78
  • actor (Santa in Prancer, Gus in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) Michael Constantine 89

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1813 : Richard Wagner

1930 : Kenny Ball

1936 : Dallas Taylor (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young)

1950 : Bernie Taupin

1954 : Jerry Dammers (The Specials)

1959 : Morrissey

1962 : Jesse Valenzuela (The Gin Blossoms)

1966 : Johnny Gill

1967 : Dan Roberts (Crash Test Dummies)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Does a person’s life really flash before them when they’re dying?

What might there be about the threat of death that inspires a sudden indulgence in autobiography? Wouldn’t the mind be fixed on other things, such as, “How the heck can I get out of here?” Yet so many people have described this phenomenon — which makes it real enough–that scientists have been compelled to try to explain it. Two theories have been proposed. The first holds that a threat as traumatic as that of imminent demise from any cause, not just drowning, automatically triggers the release of memories that one always retains but usually doesn’t recall. The other explanation points to hardware breakdown. Cutting the flow of oxygen to the brain makes its electrical impulses go haywire, catapulting long-stored memories into one’s consciousness helter skelter.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Casting crowns Jaun Devevo has a new catch phrase. He posted that the phrase: “…and make the rest of the donuts double chocolate” is something he says so much.

 

Jamie Grace is allergic to raw foods so, when she wants a salad, she has to get creative. He posted a recent creative salad she created. Jamie says she: stuffed a turkey burger with fresh Asiago and cheddar. grilled it & placed on a bed of braised kale.

 

Sandi Patty has announced the fall dates of her Forever Grateful: The Farewell Tour. According to her marketing team, 28 more shows were announced as the long time Christian artist continues her run of the historic final tour. Celebrating her latest album, Forever Grateful, and her 30+ year career, tickets for the Forever Grateful Fall Tour go on sale to the public Monday, May 23. Following the fall dates and her Christmas Blessings Tour, Sandi will bring the Forever Grateful Tour to the west coast and northwest in early 2017. The Tour will conclude its 100+ city run on the Forever Grateful Farewell Cruise from March 11-18, 2017.

 

Colton Dixon has some fun pranking Building 429 during their set. He went on stage wearing a complete batman costume. No, Jason Roy did not turn into Superman so the two could battle it out.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFezpeHwjYg/

 

Kari Jobe on speaking at this past weekends women’s conference: I sat and shared some very raw and honest thoughts. In the midst of a season where there are a lot of questions..its absolutely ok to voice those questions and be honest with the Lord and to worship in the midst of the pain. Worship brings breakthrough and healing. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. The night season may last a little while..but God will surround you with songs of deliverance in it.

 

Casting Crowns’ Chris Huffman announced on twitter this week: Hey friends!! Stay tuned for some awesome Casting Crowns news later this week! (Anyone hoping for a cruise!)?

 

Third Day’s Mark Lee this week found a video of a Third Day performance recorded on their very first tour. The video was first shared in 2007 but goes back even further than that. It features the bands cover of the Bob Dylan song Solid Rock at a church in Florida.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LjjtH9TyCE0

 

Tenth Avenue North is into week 2 of their new album. The band posted that having two new producers means twice the fun. They say record number 5 is more than halfway home.

 

Team Reset 2016 is hoping to fill the Mall in Washington DC with 1 million believers on July 16. The goal is to come together around Jesus in unified prayer, worship, and a call for catalytic change. Already artists and speakers are committing to be there as well for the free event. Performers include Hillsong United, Lecrae, Crowder and Kari Jobe. Francis Chan and Ravi Zacharias will also make an appearance. And this week Michael W. Smith announced that he will be on the Mall as well for the one day event.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWD74MTD5wY

 

Ryan Stevenson is honing is woodworking skills in his spare time. He posted this week that he is helping his wife with her rustic and farmhouse furniture repurposing

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFhas6kww16/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Semi-Conductors”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Paul Aldrich, “Rock Star Commercials”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and  (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, a heated debate was taking place between Sully the Aardvark and Millard the Monkey.  Sully wants clunking (hitting your head over and over with a coconut) banned – but Millard the Monkey says all animals have the right to do what they want!

 

CLOSE: Will clunking be banned in the jungle now that second-hand clunking is also causing problems?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 21/22

 

OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Cheetah Bonita’s new song – which was nothing but a solo – had everyone in the jungle deciding not to cooperate with each other – and the only peaceful place, the land of milk and honey which is occupied by the squirrels is off-limits to Cheetah Bonita because she was the reason the jungle was so noisy everywhere else.  Sad, she walked into the jungle – and met up with Racquet the Skunk.

 

CLOSE: What will Cheetah Bonita and Racquet the Skunk find in the swamp?  Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A man met a really hot chick at Drake’s Bar in Kendall, Florida… and we mean that literally!

A 20-something woman at Drake’s Bar in Kendall, Florida agreed to help out with a display involving liquor and fire. As the woman danced on the bar she noticed that the aforementioned liquor and fire had set her foot ablaze. She panicked and accidentally kicked the flaming mixture onto a man passing by. The man suffered burns to about 20 percent of his upper body and both were taken to a hospital.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN COMMANDMENTS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT

 

  1. Thou shalt not use outdated English like “thou shalt” to make My commandments seem more impressive.

 

  1. Thou shalt watch Football on the Sabbath and dress in the colors of one’s team.

 

  1. Thou shalt not eat thy dessert until thy vegetables are eaten.

 

  1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s power tools.

 

  1. Thou shalt pay tithes in small, unmarked bills.

 

  1. Thou shalt use thy turn signal.

 

  1. Thou shalt keep voicemails brief and not mumble any pertinent phone numbers.

 

  1. Thou shalt not run with scissors.

 

  1. Let it be he who calls shotgun forthright, be he who sitteth thusly.

 

  1. Thou shalt not telephone solicit during dinnertime

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A duck breaks the speed limit in today’s files of Law & Disorder!

 

FILE #1: A police camera filmed a duck breaking the speed limit in Germany. It registered 39 kilometers an hour in a 30 kilometer an hour zone. The duck was flying a few centimeters above street level when it triggered the speed camera. A police spokesman says they haven’t been able to trace the offender but she is free to go.

 

FILE #2: Apparently pizza can’t be classified as brain food. Jacksonville, Florida’s Joseph Whittenton was arrested after he broke into a Hungry Howie’s Pizza and stole cash and credit card receipts. And how do they know it was Joseph on the surveillance camera video? It seems Joseph works for Hungry Howie’s at the very same location he broke into and he was still wearing his uniform during the break in.

 

FILE #3: When 31-year-old Peter Howeler entered the bank he wanted to rob, he didn’t anticipate seeing a security guard. Peter quickly stuffed his gun in his back pocket, but as he did it, the gun went off and Peter shot himself in the, uh, backside. He was rushed to the hospital and was later charged with attempted robbery.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Texas a recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

From Harrisonburg, Virginia comes the story of James Martin who was entering the county courthouse to pay a fine stemming from a 1999 drug bust when the metal detector went off. “Sorry,” the guard said, “you’ll have to empty your pockets.”

Trying to find what was setting off the alarm, James reached deep into one of his pockets and pulled out a dime, which he handed to the guard. He then reached even deeper into one of his other pockets and pulled out a plastic bag. Full of marijuana. Which he also handed to the guard. He’s headed back to jail now… where they have plenty of metal detectors.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

A friend of mine is just now starting to date again after breaking up with his girlfriend a few months ago.  He’s online dating.  He’s a good guy and insists on paying.  But that gets expensive, so I suggested that maybe he meets a few dates at a coffee bar or something, but my friend thinks that sounds cheap.  So I’m putting the question to you – where’s the best place to go in town for a first date?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What violent son of Gideon was killed by a woman who dropped a millstone on his head?
ANSWER: Abimelech (Judges 9:53)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the first magazine to sell a billion copies in a year?

ANSWER: TV Guide

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The ultrasound technology called “Doppler” is used today in weather mapping, brain surgery, and cardiology. (True)

 

  1. “Zorro” is a Spanish word for “Horse”. (False, it’s Spanish for “Fox”)

 

  1. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he didn’t wear pants. (True)

 

  1. According to the American Film Institute, the #1 movie song of the past 100 years was “Hakuna Matada” (False, it was “Over the Rainbow”)

 

  1. Monty Hall was one of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (False, the turtles were: Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo, and Michelangelo)

 

  1. John Larroquette, the “Night Court” actor, narrated the 1975 B-rate horror flick “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. (True)

 

  1. The name of the dog from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is Spot. (False, it’s Max)

 

  1. In the world of music, Budapest, Julliard, and Cleveland are all prominent Opera Houses. (False, they’re prominent String Quartets)

 

  1. Including TV versions, Adam West has played both Batman and Simon Templar (aka The Saint). (False, that was Val Kilmer)

 

  1. Geena Davis is an Oscar winner and a Mensa member, and in 1999 she tried out for Olympics. (True, for Archery)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ POUND BRIDE (800)

Susanne Eman isn’t  like any other bride.  She’s the only one who   weighs 800 pounds and eats 30,000 calories a day.

Eman is currently on a quest to become the fattest woman ever, beating the 1200 pound mark once held by Rosalie Bradford, who died in 2006.

She also has found someone who loves her just the way she is: chef Parker Clack.  The couple met online.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.”  The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.

He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.  He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”

Ah…  so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck”

 

JOKE #2

The local high school has a policy that the parent’s must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent’s had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. 

Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. 

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?” 

Kelly: “This is my mother.”

 

JOKE #3

The pastor of a local church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went BOING and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?”

She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.”

She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

If your boss can’t give you a raise, what’s the next best thing? How about a new job title?  A new survey says that almost 70% of most office workers would be willing to give up a pay raise in return for a more professional sounding job title.  Filing clerks could be called “data storage specialists”. Janitors could become “Custodial Engineers.” ***MARLAR: They did this to me too at the radio station.  Instead of a raise, I’m now an “On Air Personality” – which is a drastic improvement from my old job title of “Monkey Boy Button Pusher”.

 

In California an amusement park operator has taken down an inflatable slide called the “Titanic” after someone complained that the name was offensive.  ***MARLAR: But then, is there anything Californians are NOT offended by?

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

LET THERE BE LIGHTBULB JOKES…

Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: None, if it needs changing, the free market will take care of it.

 

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

 

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

 

Q: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Are you kidding? 50.

Q: Why 50?

A: It’s in the contract.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Most parents pray their kids will never grow up to join a street gang. In Commerce City, Colorado, one couple was actually fighting about which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join!

19-year-old Joseph Manzanares, who is a member of the Westside Ballers Hispanic gang, stormed into the Hollywood Video store where his girlfriend works, threatened to kill her and then knocked over several video displays and a computer. She, by the way, is also a teenager and a member of the Crips. She told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to. Joseph was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, harassment, and domestic violence.  ***MARLAR: I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that this kid has absolutely no chance for anything that resembles a normal life.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE, I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK

  • One: Don’t miss the boat.
  • Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
  • Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
  • Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
  • Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
  • Six: Build your future on high ground.
  • Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
  • Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
  • Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.
  • Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
  • Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WHOSE ARE YOU?

READ: Psalm 24

The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell therein. —Psalm 24:1

You’re not the boss of me!” Have you ever heard a child make this statement to someone in authority? It’s the child’s attempt to assert his or her independence.

It’s not just children, though. No matter what our age, we don’t like having someone tell us what to do. After all, that person might ask us to do something we don’t want to do, or put us in a situation we don’t want to be in.

Therein lies the fear of trusting God. Afraid of putting control of our life into His hands, we prefer to dig in and say, “You’re not the boss of me.”

There’s a serious problem with that line of thinking: It’s not accurate. In reality, we cannot tell God that He’s not in charge. In Psalm 24, David said, “The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell therein” (v.1). God is the boss of “those who dwell” in the world. That means all of us.

Our response, therefore, of trusting Him and turning our life over to Him comes when we acknowledge His authority. We say to Him, “Lord, You are the boss of me! I acknowledge Your ownership, and I want to work with You to accomplish Your will.”

We are God’s. He is in charge. Our job is to trust in Him and live for Him. —Dave Branon

 

Now I belong to Jesus,
Jesus belongs to me,
Not for the years of time alone,
But for eternity.  —Clayton

 

You are not your own. . . . You were bought at a price.  —1 Corinthians 6:19-20

 

 

LEFTOVERS

REASONS WHY MARRIAGES FAIL

No matter how much you love each other, your marriage could be doomed to failure by such mundane factors as your age, previous relationships, parents or even the nasty habit of smoking, according to a study entitled “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” which identified factors that are most likely to sever relationships. The top eight reasons why your marriage might fail:

  • When a man is nine or more years older than his wife, they are twice as likely to get divorced, compared with couples who are closer in age.
  • Men who marry before age 25 are twice as likely to get divorced than men who marry at an older age.
  • Twenty percent of couples who have children before they marry — either from the same relationship or a previous relationship — divorce or separate, compared to just nine percent of couples who wait to have children until after they are married. The number of children a couple have after they are married does not affect the rate of divorce.
  • Couples are far more likely to divorce if the woman wants to have children much more than does her partner.
  • Sixteen percent of couples whose parents ever separated or divorced, experience marital separation themselves, compared with 10 percent of those whose parents did not separate or divorce.
  • When one of the partners is in his or her second or third marriage, the couple is 90 percent more likely to separate or divorce than couples who are both in their first marriage.
  • Sixteen percent of couples who identified themselves as poor or where the husband was unemployed, ended up separating or divorcing, compared with only nine percent of couples who reported healthy finances. The wife’s employment status did not affect the stability of the marriage.
  • When one — but not the other — partner smokes, the marriage is far more likely to end in failure than for couples where both or neither partner smokes.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

If you’re like most people, you probably use the same password for multiple Web pages. As you might guess, this makes things much easier for cyber crooks. The problem with repeating passwords is that once a hacker breaks into one account they can easily get into all your other accounts. Experts warn that just because the bad guys haven’t gotten to you yet, don’t underestimate them. They recommend that even though it’s a hassle, to come up with different passwords and then write them down in case you forget them and to change them once in awhile.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

WATER YOU TALKING ABOUT?

A woman in Texas receives a water bill of $1,400!  But she does have a solution!

Maria Veguilla, a Wichita Falls, Texas, resident, has a problem. Normally her water bill is around $30 or so… but in March it came to $1,400! Seems she had a leak in her home. City officials are refusing to waive the charge too – because the water did go through her pipes. Of course, Maria says she can’t pay it. So they’ve come up with a compromise. Maria will pay an extra dollar every month until the bill is paid in full… meaning that the bill will finally be paid off in the year 2115. ***MARLAR: Wow!  If the water company truly expects her to be able to pay until 2115, what’s in the water that makes them think she’ll live that long… and how can I get this water?

 

 

FUN LIST

WAYS TO BE ANNOYING

  • Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist that you “like it that way.”
  • Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  • Ask 800 operators for dates.
  • Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
  • Specify that your drive through order is “to go.”
  • Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  • Honk and wave to strangers.
  • Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  • Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
  • Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  • Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  • Tie jingle bells to all of your clothes.
  • Write “X – Buried Treasure” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
  • Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  • At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  • When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.”
  • Stand over someone’s shoulder and mumble as they read.
  • Finish the “99 Bottles of Beer” song.
  • Name your dog “Dog.”
  • Ask people what gender they are.
  • Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  • Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
  • At a golf tournament chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
  • Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
  • Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
  • Select the same song on the juke box fifty times.
  • When reaching for something, exclaim “Go Go Gadget Arm!”
  • Walk into a gift shop and yell “Where’s my gift?”
  • Walk into a store on Sunday and scream “Are you open Thursdays?”
  • Bring your own mattress to a hotel.
  • Always Always speak speak in in doubles doubles..

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Your favorite swimming pool may be closing soon!

The US Justice Department issued a 60-day stay of execution for hundreds of thousands of public pools which had been required to install ramps and wheelchair lifts by today or else face lawsuits over violating disability laws.  President Obama in 2010 dramatically expanded the rules for access under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and the new regulations mean that every publicly accessible pool — from municipal facilities to hotels — must have two “accessible means of entry,” at least one of which must be a ramp or wheelchair lift. Spas must also have either a lift or a transfer system to help the disabled enter them, under the new rules.  Under the law, non-compliant facilities can be sued.  And in many cases, closing down would be cheaper than battling a lawsuit.  ***MARLAR: So clean your bathtub – it might be doubling as a wading pool this Summer!

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Living closer to nature is better for your health – and may even extend your life. A study just published found that people who live in “greener” areas, with more vegetation around, have a lower risk of mortality.   People who had the most vegetation within 800 feet of their homes had a 12 percent lower rate of mortality from any non-accidental cause than people living in the least green places.  Read more about it…

http://wapo.st/1SXJiJA

 

Are you pregnant?  Beware of where you keep your cell phone!  The sounds emitted by cellphones carried by pregnant women may rattle the sleep-and-wake cycles of their unborn babies. The finding is based on a small study that tracked fetal reactions to repetitive cellphone and beeper use among more than two dozen resident physicians while they were pregnant. Researches say they found that, if you’re a baby in-utero, or in the womb, and someone wakes you up every hour, you will not be a happy camper. The sound, and perhaps even vibrations, cause a ‘startle reflex’, which disturbs the normal sleep cycle.” What isn’t clear from this study is whether or not being repeatedly startled has any effect on fetal health or pregnancy outcomes.

http://m.medicalxpress.com/news/2015-05-mom-cellphone-startle-fetus.html

 

Most Protestant pastors believe Jesus will return in the future. But few agree about the details of the apocalypse.  Those are among the findings of a new telephone survey of 1,000 Protestant senior pastors. About a third of Protestant senior pastors believe in the kind of pretribulation rapture familiar to pop culture. 1 in 4 say the rapture is not literal.  Read more about the survey results…

http://www.christianitytoday.com/gleanings/2016/april/sorry-left-behind-pastors-end-times-rapture-antichrist.html

 

A grassroots initiative has been launched in Poland in an attempt to ban abortion without exceptions. The catalyst for the initiative was the horror of a botched abortion in which the 24-week-old child, diagnosed with Down Syndrome, was left unattended to die. Currently, abortion is legal in Poland only in instances of rape, if the life of the mother is in danger, or if the baby has been diagnosed with a handicap or abnormality up to 25 weeks gestation. The initiative to ban abortion entirely is being spearheaded by a group called Pro Foundation which is seeking to collect 100,000 signatures so that the ban will be considered by Poland’s legislature.

http://dlvr.it/L8qVL4

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. –Groucho Marx

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 20, 2016…

 

Sorority 2: Neighbors Rising—The neighborhood is about to get loud and raucous again, with a sorority moving in. What comes next? A motorcycle club? Rocket Society? Turkey Farm? Who knows? The stars include Chloe Grace Morentz, Zac Efron, Rose Bryne, Seth Rogen and Selena Gomez. “Sorority 2: Neighbors Rising” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Nice Guys—The team of Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe, as a private detective and a hit man, just might make it. The private eye is investigating the suicide of a friend, but was it? All this and set in the 1970’s, too.  Also in the cast are Matt Bomer, Kim Basinger and Keith David. “The Nice Guys” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Maggie (opening in select cities)—Greta Gerwig is Maggie who decides she wants to have a baby. Unfortunately, the guy she likes (Ethan Hawke) is married (to Juliette Moore) and this means up breaking up the marriage. Rocky road ahead. “Maggie” is rated R. No rating.

 

Angry Birds—This animated film follows the adventures of the online birds and why are they angry? No pecking order? (couldn’t resist that…) This happy island has visitors in the form of pigs? The main birds, Red (Jason Sedeukis), Chuck (Josh Gad) and Bomb (Danny McBride) try to find out what is going on.  “Angry Birds” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

MAY 27, 2016…

 

X-Men: Apocalypse is the next installment of this series and “Apocalypse” is actually a mutant god who, of course, wants to destroy the world.  Some of the stars are Jennifer Lawrence and Michael Fassbender.

 

Alice Through The Looking Glass continues the adventures of Alice and this time she has to save the Mad Hatter. Stars Johnny Depp and Mia Wasikowska.

 

USS: Indianapolis: Men of Courage is based on the true story, during WWII, of the sinking of this ship and how the crew tried to survive. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore and Thomas Jane.

 

The Lobster is a fantasy film about a world in which people must find love within days or be turned into animals.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.