May 22, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now it’s time for (THE JOCK SHOW) – and I’m so sorry I had to be the one to break the news to you.

I swear, it’s like my body is inventing things to go wrong with it. Sure enough, next week my doctor will say I have the flesh-eating virus and he’ll give me 80 years to live.

Yes, dogs are great – but in this house, coffee is man’s best friend.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where they can be eaten by moths and get rusty, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where they will never become moth-eaten or rusty and where they will be safe from thieves. Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be.” –Matthew 6:19-21 (New Living Translation)

I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. — 1 Corinthians 1:10

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? — 1 John 3:17

Thought: The Bible is so gritty with the dirt of real life. In the previous verse, John told his churches that they should be willing to lay down their lives for each other. That’s pretty good in theory, especially when you don’t think it will ever be necessary. But this verse makes the application of that principle an every day reality: Is there somebody in your church in need, then be moved to help them, that’s what laying down your life is all about!

Prayer: Use me, holy and righteous Father, to be your hands and heart in helping those around me. Give me the generosity and the patience it takes to be a blessing to those in need who are a part of my church family, and also those who have not yet come to know Jesus as Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Galatians 5:22 NIV = But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness…

TODAY IS MONDAY – MAY 22, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
216 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is IMMIGRANTS DAY IN CANADA, a day to recognize and celebrate the contributions immigrants make in Canada. ***t’s not a very popular holiday there though, because really – who wants to move to Canada? That’s where all the cold air comes from!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
US Colored Troops Day
Victoria Day
World Goth Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
Declaration of the Bab Day
International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
National Taffy Day
World Crohn’s and Colitis Day
World Turtle Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24

Aviation Maintenance Technician Day
Emergency Medical Services for Children Day
EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day
International Tiara Day
Morse Code Day

THURSDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday
National Missing Children’s Day
National Tap Dance Day
National Wine Day
Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day
Red Nose Day
Towel Day
Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day

FRIDAY, MAY 26

National Chardonnay Day
National Paper Airplane Day
World Lindy Hop Day
Don’t Fry Day
Heat Awareness Day
National Polka Day
National Title Track Day
National Wig Out Day

SATURDAY, MAY 27

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)
Cellophane Tape Day
International Heritage Breeds Day
Julia Pierpont Day
Ramadan

SUNDAY, MAY 28

Menstrual Hygiene Day
National Hamburger Day
Sierra Club Day
Slugs Return From Capistrano Day
Indianapolis 500

MONDAY, MAY 29

Learn About Composting Day
Memorial Day
Prayer for Peace Memorial Day
International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers
Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day

ON THIS DAY

1782: Responding to a suggestion from military leaders that Congress was inept and that the U.S. should become a monarchy, General George Washington refused the title of King George the First of the United States and insisted the schemers banish such thoughts from their minds.

1868: “The Great Train Robbery” took place at Marshfield, Indiana by the Reno Gang. They not only made off with $98,000, but they also took the locomotive. ***That can’t be the best getaway vehicle, it’d be too easy to follow your tracks.

1931: The first canned rattlesnake meat was sold in Arcadia, Florida.

1955: Police in Bridgeport, Connecticut, canceled a Fats Domino concert over fears of an anticipated “rock ‘n’ roll riot.”

1966: 16-year old Bruce Springsteen and the Castilles recorded their first and only single, “That’s What You Get” and “Baby I.” It was never released.

1967: “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” premiered on PBS, featuring Rev. Fred Rogers, a Presbyterian minister from Pittsburgh. It’s public television’s longest running children’s program. (audio clip)

1972: The island nation of Ceylon became the republic of Sri Lanka.

1986: Sylvester Stallone became the richest actor in Hollywood with a 10-picture, six-year deal with United Artists for a reported $15 million per film. ***Pretty impressive considering we could never understand a thing the guy was saying.

1987: Rick Hansen arrived back home in Vancouver after traveling 24,901 miles across four continents and 34 countries in 26 months in his wheelchair. He had been paralyzed from the waist down since 1973.

1992: Michael Jackson paid for the funeral of a 9-year-old boy who had been killed in a drive-by shooting.

1992: Johnny Carson hosted “The Tonight Show” for the final time. Announcer Ed McMahon and bandleader Doc Severinson also retired from the show. (audio clip)

1999: A mountain climber who had gotten lost for 15 days on Mt. Isasuge was finally rescued by a Japanese fisherman. The mountain climber, Eiichi Urata, after eating his two days of food survived the rest of his ordeal eating the extra mayonnaise he’d packed. ***He survived, despite suffering frostbite and clogged arteries.

2002: A Birmingham, Alabama, jury convicted former Ku Klux Klansman Bobby Frank Cherry of murder in the 1963 church bombing that killed four young girls.

2003: Annika Sorenstam became the first woman since Babe Didrikson Zaharias in 1945 to play against men on the pro tour. She missed the cut by four shots the follow day at the Colonial golf tournament in Fort Worth, Texas.

2004: Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11,” a scathing documentary about White House actions after the September 11th terrorist attacks, won first prize at the Cannes Film Festival.

2006: The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs reported a computer containing personal information on some 26.5 million veterans and spouses had been stolen.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

337: Constantine, the first Christian emperor of Rome, dies. Though known for calling the Council of Nicea (which condemned the Arian heresy) and for beginning the process of Christianizing the empire, he waited until just before his death before he finally accepted baptism into the church.

452: Leo, bishop of Rome, sends three angry letters to protest the Council of Chalcedon’s recent elevation of Constantinople to the preeminent see in Christendom. The two cities had been placed on equal footing by a 381 ecumenical council in Constantinople, but Chalcedon tipped the scale, saying that since the imperial capital had moved to “New Rome” (Constantinople), that city deserved the benefits Rome once enjoyed. This event was one of many leading up to the East-West schism of 1054.

1789: The first American Presbyterian General Assembly convenes in Philadelphia.

1883: Billy Sunday, who would become the greatest American tent revivalist after a career in professional baseball, has his first at bat playing for the Chicago White Stockings. He struck out his first 14 attempts.

1938: M. R. DeHaan resigns from the Calvary Undenominational Church he had formed in Grand Rapids Michigan after trying to nullify church elections and having an injunction slapped on him by the courts when six men sued, 5 of them ex-members.

1944: The Gospel Mission of South American was incorporated by Reverend William Strong in Conception, Chile. He had founded the work under the name Soldier’s Gospel Mission several years earlier.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The People Under the Stairs, Rayanne Graff on “My So Called Life,” Julie on “Coach,” Kathleen Doyle on “Brooklyn South”) A.J. Langer 43 (audio clip)
  • actress (daughter of Clint Eastwood, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, One Long Night, Once Fallen) Alison Eastwood 45
  • model (Simone on “New York Undercover”) Naomi Campbell 47 (audio clip)
  • actor (Catch-22, Westworld, Deconstructing Harry) Richard Benjamin is 79
  • actor (Prancer, My Big Fat Greek Wedding) Michael Constantine 90

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1813 : Richard Wagner

1930 : Kenny Ball

1936 : Dallas Taylor (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young)

1950 : Bernie Taupin

1954 : Jerry Dammers (The Specials)

1959 : Morrissey

1962 : Jesse Valenzuela (The Gin Blossoms)

1966 : Johnny Gill

1967 : Dan Roberts (Crash Test Dummies)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Does a person’s life really flash before them when they’re dying?

What might there be about the threat of death that inspires a sudden indulgence in autobiography? Wouldn’t the mind be fixed on other things, such as, “How the heck can I get out of here?” Yet so many people have described this phenomenon — which makes it real enough–that scientists have been compelled to try to explain it. Two theories have been proposed. The first holds that a threat as traumatic as that of imminent demise from any cause, not just drowning, automatically triggers the release of memories that one always retains but usually doesn’t recall. The other explanation points to hardware breakdown. Cutting the flow of oxygen to the brain makes its electrical impulses go haywire, catapulting long-stored memories into one’s consciousness helter skelter.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

For King and Country member Joel Smallbone is now a citizen of the USA. The Australian native posted a picture with his wife, Maria Peters, this week. He said: Don’t mind me, just on my way to become an American citizen! Joel says he also retained his Australian citizenship. The move comes two years after his brother and bandmate Luke also became a US citizen. In fact, he is the last member of his family to become an American. Joel posted a short video from the first building he ever stayed in while announcing his new citizenship.

https://www.facebook.com/forkingandcountry/videos/1438643442859971/

Need an excuse to go visit Ireland? How about the chance to be in a Rend Collective music video? The Band posted: If you’ve ever wanted to be an extra in one of our music videos here’s your chance! We’re filming the evening of May 30th just outside Belfast, and need a few extras ages 21-40. If that’s you email us at gabby@rendcollective.com.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUPCveTh_b2/

Concerned about the latest scandals in Washington DC? Brandon Heath says your worries are over. He posted a picture in front of the nations capital and added: We’ll take it from here America! Actually Brandon is meeting with legislators in Washington representing the Global Fund and the 150 Account, two organizations serving the worlds poor. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUM5VR0gmrI/

Matthew West posted this week: Always knew someday I would hoist that trophy up. He shared a picture as he hoisted the Cubs World Series Trophy in front of their stadium. https://www.instagram.com/p/BULD8Xtgsp6/

Mandisa was able to tell her story in People magazine this week. According to the article: Mandisa recently weathered a dark depression. After losing her best friend to cancer, the Christian contemporary singer sequestered herself away, gaining 195 lbs. and even considering suicide rather than deal with her grief. But today, Mandisa, 40, is in a happy, healthy place — and with the release of her new album, Out of the Dark, she hopes to help others battling mental illness. http://people.com/music/mandisa-suicidal-depression-weight-gain-after-friends-death/

Have a forgiven story? David Crowder wants to hear it. Crowder posted this week: I know personally the freedom that comes when you have been extended forgiveness by someone. Forgiveness activates in us freedom from our past wrongs and brings to us a generous grace for others. Your story of forgiveness holds power for yourself and others. This week I want to hear your Forgiven stories. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUNV19hFyKl/?taken-by=crowdermusic

Need Mac Powell this week? The Third Day frontman is in the Bahamas at the love song couples getaway and posted a picture of the beach. He said: If yall need me I’ll be here all day. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUMtlPBFbb4/

Jasmine Murray is no stranger to performing in front of judges but recently it was her turn to sit in the judges chair. Late last month the former American Idol and beauty pageant contestant served on the judges panel for Miss Mississippi’s Outstanding Teen Pageant.

The car crash in Time Square hit especially close to home for Blanca. She posted: Praying for all those in New York City that were affected by the car incident in Time Square! To think we were there yesterday in that exact spot! Grateful we are home safe. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUP07DgFgE5/

Greg Laurie’s latest Nationwide Crusade will be held in Arizona on June 11. Leading up to the event, Greg is giving away a free e-book titled Is the Bible Reliable, Can we trust the Bible? Download the free e-book at http://hubs.ly/H07wyT60.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Citizens of Hicksville, New York, are not happy with remarks Robert De Niro makes in his new film “The Comedian.” People in the Long Island town want DeNiro to formally apologize after his character in the movie — a stand-up comedian — joked that Hicksville is home to “inbreeding” and “crystal meth.” ***Hey, it’s not Robert De Niro that named your town Hicksville! You did this to yourself, Hickvillians!

Anthony Bourdain has dined with President Obama but he’s he’s unlikely to break bread with Donald Trump. The celebrity chef explains: “I can’t see the point, (since) he only talks about himself and he’s only interested in himself.” ***And that makes it really hard for Anthony Bourdain to talk about his favorite subject of Anthony Bourdain.

This is both sad and hilarious. If the presidential election were held today, despite all of the antics that have taken place since he took office, Trump would still defeat Hillary Clinton. However – a separate study shows that, again, if the presidential election were held today, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would beat President Trump by a margin of 42 to 37%. ***That’s gotta make Hillary feel special.

Al Gore’s vice-presidential running mate, Joseph Lieberman, is said to be the front-runner for the new FBI Director. ***Well, second runner actually. Trump has already offered the gig to Meatloaf but we’re not holding our breath on that one.

In Bostwick, Florida, police say an unnamed man learned the hard way that kissing a rattle snake is a really bad idea. The idiot was reportedly bitten on the tongue while trying to kiss said rattle snake and had to be airlifted to a hospital, where he was listed in critical condition. This won’t surprise you in the least – a friend of the victim said the man had been drinking while handling the seemingly calm eastern diamondback rattlesnake. But when he moved toward the reptile as though to kiss it, the snake bit him. ***And did you catch he was bitten on the TONGUE?!?! Let this be a lesson to you, buddy – you don’t lean for a kiss with a snake or a woman with the tongue already out! That’s just WRONG!

British bookies say gamblers are betting that Donald Trump won’t finish out his in office. Meanwhile, the ghostwriter of “The Art of the Deal” says Donald Trump will figure out a way to resign from office. ***Wow – even Trump doesn’t want to see Trump in the White House! Ya’ better start polishing those shoes, Mr. Pence!

Last week, a man in Washington State tried to get out of drug charges by bribing the policeman with Taco Bell. ***Stoooooopid! Taco Bell? Everyone knows you bribe cops with Krispy Kreme!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

New research has found that binge-watching TV shows can raise the risk of chronic disease and early death. ***Poor Uncle Karl… and he only had three episodes of “Breaking Bad” left to go!

A study of 50 American cities found Portland is dead last when it comes to ‘manliness.’ Researchers used statistics such as truck ownership and number of steak houses to come up with the list. Believe it or not, the manliest city in the U.S., according to the study, is Charlotte, North Carolina. ***Portland men want a recount… right after this weekend’s shoe sale.

Scientists at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, think obesity might be a contagious disease. They gave the human virus Ad-37 to chickens, and the birds developed two to three times more body fat than other chickens on the same diet. Two related viruses, Ad-36 and Ad-5, have also been shown to cause obesity in animals. But a spokesman said they can’t say that viruses cause obesity in humans because it would be unethical to inject humans with a virus for the experiment. ***Unless it caused weight LOSS; then of course everyone would be demanding it.

If your only chance to squeeze in a workout is at night, don’t worry about it messing with your sleep. A study from Arizona State University found that people who exercise in the evening sleep just as well as those who don’t bust a sweat before bed. ***Although it is considered one of the least popular ways to get sweaty sheets. (Then there’s me… I break a sweat just getting ready for bed.)

A recent study has concluded that regular attendance at religious services is associated with a more optimistic outlook and a lesser inclination to be depressed, The study’s findings support previous research that religious participation can promote psychological and physical health — and reduce mortality risks — possibly by calming people in stressful times, creating meaningful social interactions, and helping curtail bad habits. ***That’s right, church can relieve stress, introduce you to new friends, and help you stop crackin’ your knuckles.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided she no longer wanted to sing with her sisters and decided to go solo. So the Cheetah Sisters held auditions to find a replacement. And that wasn’t going very well. And Cheetah Bonita’s solo career was also having difficulties, because the BAND wanted to be solo too!

CLOSE: Now even the individual band members want to have solos? If this keeps up everybody will be doing solos – but nobody will be listening, because they’ll be too busy with their own solos! Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A man met a really hot chick at Drake’s Bar in Kendall, Florida… and we mean that literally!

A 20-something woman at Drake’s Bar in Kendall, Florida agreed to help out with a display involving liquor and fire. As the woman danced on the bar she noticed that the aforementioned liquor and fire had set her foot ablaze. She panicked and accidentally kicked the flaming mixture onto a man passing by. The man suffered burns to about 20 percent of his upper body and both were taken to a hospital.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN COMMANDMENTS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT

10. Thou shalt not use outdated English like “thou shalt” to make My commandments seem more impressive.

9. Thou shalt watch Football on the Sabbath and dress in the colors of one’s team.

8. Thou shalt not eat thy dessert until thy vegetables are eaten.

7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s power tools.

6. Thou shalt pay tithes in small, unmarked bills.

5. Thou shalt use thy turn signal.

4. Thou shalt keep voicemails brief and not mumble any pertinent phone numbers.

3. Thou shalt not run with scissors.

2. Let it be he who calls shotgun forthright, be he who sitteth thusly.

1. Thou shalt not telephone solicit during dinnertime

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A duck breaks the speed limit in today’s files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A police camera filmed a duck breaking the speed limit in Germany. It registered 39 kilometers an hour in a 30 kilometer an hour zone. The duck was flying a few centimeters above street level when it triggered the speed camera. A police spokesman says they haven’t been able to trace the offender but she is free to go.

FILE #2: Apparently pizza can’t be classified as brain food. Jacksonville, Florida’s Joseph Whittenton was arrested after he broke into a Hungry Howie’s Pizza and stole cash and credit card receipts. And how do they know it was Joseph on the surveillance camera video? It seems Joseph works for Hungry Howie’s at the very same location he broke into and he was still wearing his uniform during the break in.

FILE #3: When 31-year-old Peter Howeler entered the bank he wanted to rob, he didn’t anticipate seeing a security guard. Peter quickly stuffed his gun in his back pocket, but as he did it, the gun went off and Peter shot himself in the, uh, backside. He was rushed to the hospital and was later charged with attempted robbery.

STRANGE LAW: In Texas a recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

From Harrisonburg, Virginia comes the story of James Martin who was entering the county courthouse to pay a fine stemming from a 1999 drug bust when the metal detector went off. “Sorry,” the guard said, “you’ll have to empty your pockets.”

Trying to find what was setting off the alarm, James reached deep into one of his pockets and pulled out a dime, which he handed to the guard. He then reached even deeper into one of his other pockets and pulled out a plastic bag. Full of marijuana. Which he also handed to the guard. He’s headed back to jail now… where they have plenty of metal detectors.

PHONER PHUN

A friend of mine is just now starting to date again after breaking up with his girlfriend a few months ago. He’s online dating. He’s a good guy and insists on paying. But that gets expensive, so I suggested that maybe he meets a few dates at a coffee bar or something, but my friend thinks that sounds cheap. So I’m putting the question to you – where’s the best place to go in town for a first date?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What violent son of Gideon was killed by a woman who dropped a millstone on his head?
ANSWER: Abimelech (Judges 9:53)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the first magazine to sell a billion copies in a year?

ANSWER: TV Guide

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The ultrasound technology called “Doppler” is used today in weather mapping, brain surgery, and cardiology. (True)

2. “Zorro” is a Spanish word for “Horse”. (False, it’s Spanish for “Fox”)

3. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he didn’t wear pants. (True)

4. According to the American Film Institute, the #1 movie song of the past 100 years was “Hakuna Matada” (False, it was “Over the Rainbow”)

5. Monty Hall was one of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (False, the turtles were: Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo, and Michelangelo)

6. John Larroquette, the “Night Court” actor, narrated the 1975 B-rate horror flick “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. (True)

7. The name of the dog from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is Spot. (False, it’s Max)

8. In the world of music, Budapest, Julliard, and Cleveland are all prominent Opera Houses. (False, they’re prominent String Quartets)

9. Including TV versions, Adam West has played both Batman and Simon Templar (aka The Saint). (False, that was Val Kilmer)

10. Geena Davis is an Oscar winner and a Mensa member, and in 1999 she tried out for Olympics. (True, for Archery)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ POUND BRIDE (800)

Susanne Eman isn’t  like any other bride.  She’s the only one who   weighs 800 pounds and eats 30,000 calories a day.

Eman is currently on a quest to become the fattest woman ever, beating the 1200 pound mark once held by Rosalie Bradford, who died in 2006.

She also has found someone who loves her just the way she is: chef Parker Clack.  The couple met online.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.”  The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.

He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.  He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”

Ah…  so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck”

JOKE #2

The local high school has a policy that the parent’s must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent’s had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. 

Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. 

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?” 

Kelly: “This is my mother.”

JOKE #3

The pastor of a local church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went BOING and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?”

She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.”

She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”

USELESS FACTS

If your boss can’t give you a raise, what’s the next best thing? How about a new job title?  A new survey says that almost 70% of most office workers would be willing to give up a pay raise in return for a more professional sounding job title.  Filing clerks could be called “data storage specialists”. Janitors could become “Custodial Engineers.” ***They did this to me too at the radio station.  Instead of a raise, I’m now an “On Air Personality” – which is a drastic improvement from my old job title of “Monkey Boy Button Pusher”.

In California an amusement park operator has taken down an inflatable slide called the “Titanic” after someone complained that the name was offensive.  ***But then, is there anything Californians are NOT offended by?

FEATURED FUNNIES

LET THERE BE LIGHTBULB JOKES…

Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: None, if it needs changing, the free market will take care of it.

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Are you kidding? 50.

Q: Why 50?

A: It’s in the contract.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Most parents pray their kids will never grow up to join a street gang. In Commerce City, Colorado, one couple was actually fighting about which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join!

19-year-old Joseph Manzanares, who is a member of the Westside Ballers Hispanic gang, stormed into the Hollywood Video store where his girlfriend works, threatened to kill her and then knocked over several video displays and a computer. She, by the way, is also a teenager and a member of the Crips. She told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to. Joseph was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, harassment, and domestic violence.  ***MARLAR: I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that this kid has absolutely no chance for anything that resembles a normal life.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE, I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK

  • One: Don’t miss the boat.

  • Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

  • Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

  • Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

  • Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

  • Six: Build your future on high ground.

  • Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

  • Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

  • Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.

  • Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

  • Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WHOSE ARE YOU?

READ: Psalm 24

The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell therein. —Psalm 24:1

You’re not the boss of me!” Have you ever heard a child make this statement to someone in authority? It’s the child’s attempt to assert his or her independence.

It’s not just children, though. No matter what our age, we don’t like having someone tell us what to do. After all, that person might ask us to do something we don’t want to do, or put us in a situation we don’t want to be in.

Therein lies the fear of trusting God. Afraid of putting control of our life into His hands, we prefer to dig in and say, “You’re not the boss of me.”

There’s a serious problem with that line of thinking: It’s not accurate. In reality, we cannot tell God that He’s not in charge. In Psalm 24, David said, “The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell therein” (v.1). God is the boss of “those who dwell” in the world. That means all of us.

Our response, therefore, of trusting Him and turning our life over to Him comes when we acknowledge His authority. We say to Him, “Lord, You are the boss of me! I acknowledge Your ownership, and I want to work with You to accomplish Your will.”

We are God’s. He is in charge. Our job is to trust in Him and live for Him. —Dave Branon

Now I belong to Jesus,
Jesus belongs to me,
Not for the years of time alone,
But for eternity.  —Clayton

You are not your own. . . . You were bought at a price.  —1 Corinthians 6:19-20

LEFTOVERS

REASONS WHY MARRIAGES FAIL

No matter how much you love each other, your marriage could be doomed to failure by such mundane factors as your age, previous relationships, parents or even the nasty habit of smoking, according to a study entitled “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” which identified factors that are most likely to sever relationships. The top eight reasons why your marriage might fail:

  1. When a man is nine or more years older than his wife, they are twice as likely to get divorced, compared with couples who are closer in age.

  2. Men who marry before age 25 are twice as likely to get divorced than men who marry at an older age.

  3. Twenty percent of couples who have children before they marry — either from the same relationship or a previous relationship — divorce or separate, compared to just nine percent of couples who wait to have children until after they are married. The number of children a couple have after they are married does not affect the rate of divorce.

  4. Couples are far more likely to divorce if the woman wants to have children much more than does her partner.

  5. Sixteen percent of couples whose parents ever separated or divorced, experience marital separation themselves, compared with 10 percent of those whose parents did not separate or divorce.

  6. When one of the partners is in his or her second or third marriage, the couple is 90 percent more likely to separate or divorce than couples who are both in their first marriage.

  7. Sixteen percent of couples who identified themselves as poor or where the husband was unemployed, ended up separating or divorcing, compared with only nine percent of couples who reported healthy finances. The wife’s employment status did not affect the stability of the marriage.

  8. When one — but not the other — partner smokes, the marriage is far more likely to end in failure than for couples where both or neither partner smokes.

LIFE… LIVE IT

If you’re like most people, you probably use the same password for multiple Web pages. As you might guess, this makes things much easier for cyber crooks. The problem with repeating passwords is that once a hacker breaks into one account they can easily get into all your other accounts. Experts warn that just because the bad guys haven’t gotten to you yet, don’t underestimate them. They recommend that even though it’s a hassle, to come up with different passwords and then write them down in case you forget them and to change them once in awhile.

JUST FOR FUN

WATER YOU TALKING ABOUT?

A woman in Texas receives a water bill of $1,400! But she does have a solution!

Maria Veguilla, a Wichita Falls, Texas, resident, has a problem. Normally her water bill is around $30 or so… but in March it came to $1,400! Seems she had a leak in her home. City officials are refusing to waive the charge too – because the water did go through her pipes. Of course, Maria says she can’t pay it. So they’ve come up with a compromise. Maria will pay an extra dollar every month until the bill is paid in full… meaning that the bill will finally be paid off in the year 2115. ***MARLAR: Wow! If the water company truly expects her to be able to pay until 2115, what’s in the water that makes them think she’ll live that long… and how can I get this water?

FUN LIST

WAYS TO BE ANNOYING

  • Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist that you “like it that way.”

  • Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

  • Ask 800 operators for dates.

  • Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

  • Specify that your drive through order is “to go.”

  • Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

  • Honk and wave to strangers.

  • Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

  • Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

  • Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

  • Pay for your dinner with pennies.

  • Tie jingle bells to all of your clothes.

  • Write “X – Buried Treasure” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.

  • Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

  • At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

  • When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.”

  • Stand over someone’s shoulder and mumble as they read.

  • Finish the “99 Bottles of Beer” song.

  • Name your dog “Dog.”

  • Ask people what gender they are.

  • Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

  • Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

  • At a golf tournament chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”

  • Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

  • Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”

  • Select the same song on the juke box fifty times.

  • When reaching for something, exclaim “Go Go Gadget Arm!”

  • Walk into a gift shop and yell “Where’s my gift?”

  • Walk into a store on Sunday and scream “Are you open Thursdays?”

  • Bring your own mattress to a hotel.

  • Always Always speak speak in in doubles doubles..

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Your favorite swimming pool may be closing soon!

The US Justice Department issued a 60-day stay of execution for hundreds of thousands of public pools which had been required to install ramps and wheelchair lifts by today or else face lawsuits over violating disability laws.  President Obama in 2010 dramatically expanded the rules for access under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and the new regulations mean that every publicly accessible pool — from municipal facilities to hotels — must have two “accessible means of entry,” at least one of which must be a ramp or wheelchair lift. Spas must also have either a lift or a transfer system to help the disabled enter them, under the new rules.  Under the law, non-compliant facilities can be sued.  And in many cases, closing down would be cheaper than battling a lawsuit.  ***MARLAR: So clean your bathtub – it might be doubling as a wading pool this Summer!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The 22-year-old Brit who “accidentally” halted Friday’s devastating global cyberattack says he plans to give his $10,000 (£7,700) reward to charity. “I don’t do what I do for money or fame,” he told Business Insider. “I’d rather give the money to people who need it.” http://read.bi/2rpZdLx

A Colorado man who was sent back to prison after being mistakenly released was told by a judge Tuesday that he is a free man. According to CNN, Rene Lima-Marin was serving a 98-year prison term for robbing two video stores in 1998. He was released, improperly, in 2008, but was rearrested in 2014, when authorities realized the mistake. In the six years that Lima-Miran was free, he found a job, got married, started raising a family, and purchased a home. http://cnn.it/2pKU6Zm

A staff member at a school in Augusta, Maine was recently reprimanded for telling a co-worker that she would be praying for him. Fox News conservative commentator Todd Starnes reports on the conflict that occurred after Toni Richardson, who is employed with the Augusta School Department, said she would pray for a co-worker while he was going through a difficult time. Richardson was then sent a letter from the school district warning her that she was not allowed to use such religious-based language when speaking with a co-worker “even if that other person attends the same church as you.” Wow. Read the full story at http://dlvr.it/P9f6xS

A schoolteacher who was fired for giving a Bible to a student has been given back his job, according to The Christian Institute. Substitute teacher Walt Tutka, who taught at a Phillipsburg district school in New Jersey, was fired after the school board voted him out. First Liberty Institute took up Tutka’s case and filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), alleging that Tutka had faced religious discrimination. The whole process took over three years, but Tutka will finally be able to return to teaching after a final decision in the case was reached last week. http://dlvr.it/P9Rqh2

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. –Groucho Marx

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 19, 2017…

Alien: Covenant—This is a prequel to “Prometheus” and is about a colony ship called Covenant that ends up on a new planet to live on, but discovers something truly horrible. The universe is not kind with its distant life forms. The cast includes Michael Fassbinder, Noomi Repace, Katherine Waterston, Guy Pearce and James Franco. “Alien: Covenant” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul—The Kid (Jason Drucker) and his brother, Rodnick (Charley Wright) go with their parents (Alicia Silverstone and Tom Everett Scott) on a road trip to visit relatives. Yawn, what is thought by the kids to be snooze time turns into something rather funny. “Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the books and films.

Champion—This film about dirt racing stars Gary Graham and Andrew Cheney. It is a story of competition between two men and an accident that changes everything. Faith Renee Kennedy is also in the cast. “Champion” is rated PG. No rating.

The Black Prince (opening in select cities)— Jason Flemyng plays the last great ruler of India, the Punjab and realizes that the British Empire is there to stay, so what to do? Alexa Morden plays young Queen Victoria. “The Black Prince“ is rated PG 13. No rating.

Everything, Everything—A young girl is born with a disease that means she must stay inside during her lifetime. Oh, what to do? One thing is to watch the new neighbors next door and perhaps, a budding romance? Stars Anika Nooni Rose.

MAY 26, 2017…

Bay Watch stars Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron and need I write more?

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales and this one stars Johnny Depp. Again—need I write more?

Drone has Sean Bean as a military drone operator who faces consequences.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.