May 22, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180522
PDF: 20180522

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now it’s time for (THE JOCK SHOW) – and I’m so sorry I had to be the one to break the news to you.

I swear, it’s like my body is inventing things to go wrong with it. Sure enough, next week my doctor will say I have the flesh-eating virus and he’ll give me 80 years to live.

Yes, dogs are great – but in this house, coffee is man’s best friend.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“No president has ever enjoyed himself as much as I.” – Theodore Roosevelt

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where they can be eaten by moths and get rusty, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where they will never become moth-eaten or rusty and where they will be safe from thieves. Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be.” –Matthew 6:19-21 (New Living Translation)

I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. — 1 Corinthians 1:10

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? — 1 John 3:17

Thought: The Bible is so gritty with the dirt of real life. In the previous verse, John told his churches that they should be willing to lay down their lives for each other. That’s pretty good in theory, especially when you don’t think it will ever be necessary. But this verse makes the application of that principle an every day reality: Is there somebody in your church in need, then be moved to help them, that’s what laying down your life is all about!

Prayer: Use me, holy and righteous Father, to be your hands and heart in helping those around me. Give me the generosity and the patience it takes to be a blessing to those in need who are a part of my church family, and also those who have not yet come to know Jesus as Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Galatians 5:22 NIV = But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness…

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MAY 22, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 216 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is IMMIGRANTS DAY IN CANADA, a day to recognize and celebrate the contributions immigrants make in Canada. ***t’s not a very popular holiday there though, because really – who wants to move to Canada? That’s where all the cold air comes from!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
Sherlock Holmes Day
US Colored Troops Day
Victoria Day
World Goth Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 23

Declaration of the Bab Day
Emergency Medical Services for Children Day
International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
National Taffy Day
World Crohn’s and Colitis Day
World Orienteering Day
World Turtle Day

THURSDAY, MAY 24

Aviation Maintenance Technician Day
Brother’s Day
Declaration of The Bab
Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day
EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day
International Tiara Day
Morse Code Day

FRIDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday
Don’t Fry Day
Heat Awareness Day
National and International Missing Children’s Day
National Polka Day
National Tap Dance Day
National Title Track Day
National Wig Out Day
National Wine Day
Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day
Towel Day
World Thyroid Day

SATURDAY, MAY 26

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)
International Heritage Breeds Day
Julia Pierpont Day
National Chardonnay Day
National Paper Airplane Day
World Lindy Hop Day

SUNDAY, MAY 27

Cellophane Tape Day
Indianapolis 500

MONDAY, MAY 28

National Hamburger Day
Sierra Club Day
Slugs Return From Capistrano Day
Memorial Day
Prayer for Peace Memorial Day

TUESDAY, MAY 29

Learn About Composting Day
Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day

ON THIS DAY

1782: Responding to a suggestion from military leaders that Congress was inept and that the U.S. should become a monarchy, General George Washington refused the title of King George the First of the United States and insisted the schemers banish such thoughts from their minds.

1868: “The Great Train Robbery” took place at Marshfield, Indiana by the Reno Gang. They not only made off with $98,000, but they also took the locomotive. ***That can’t be the best getaway vehicle, it’d be too easy to follow your tracks.

1931: The first canned rattlesnake meat was sold in Arcadia, Florida.

1955: Police in Bridgeport, Connecticut, canceled a Fats Domino concert over fears of an anticipated “rock ‘n’ roll riot.”

1966: 16-year old Bruce Springsteen and the Castilles recorded their first and only single, “That’s What You Get” and “Baby I.” It was never released.

1967: “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” premiered on PBS, featuring Rev. Fred Rogers, a Presbyterian minister from Pittsburgh. It’s public television’s longest running children’s program. (audio clip)

1972: The island nation of Ceylon became the republic of Sri Lanka.

1986: Sylvester Stallone became the richest actor in Hollywood with a 10-picture, six-year deal with United Artists for a reported $15 million per film. ***Pretty impressive considering we could never understand a thing the guy was saying.

1987: Rick Hansen arrived back home in Vancouver after traveling 24,901 miles across four continents and 34 countries in 26 months in his wheelchair. He had been paralyzed from the waist down since 1973.

1992: Michael Jackson paid for the funeral of a 9-year-old boy who had been killed in a drive-by shooting.

1992: Johnny Carson hosted “The Tonight Show” for the final time. Announcer Ed McMahon and bandleader Doc Severinson also retired from the show. (audio clip)

1999: A mountain climber who had gotten lost for 15 days on Mt. Isasuge was finally rescued by a Japanese fisherman. The mountain climber, Eiichi Urata, after eating his two days of food survived the rest of his ordeal eating the extra mayonnaise he’d packed. ***He survived, despite suffering frostbite and clogged arteries.

2002: A Birmingham, Alabama, jury convicted former Ku Klux Klansman Bobby Frank Cherry of murder in the 1963 church bombing that killed four young girls.

2003: Annika Sorenstam became the first woman since Babe Didrikson Zaharias in 1945 to play against men on the pro tour. She missed the cut by four shots the follow day at the Colonial golf tournament in Fort Worth, Texas.

2004: Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11,” a scathing documentary about White House actions after the September 11th terrorist attacks, won first prize at the Cannes Film Festival.

2006: The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs reported a computer containing personal information on some 26.5 million veterans and spouses had been stolen.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

337: Constantine, the first Christian emperor of Rome, dies. Though known for calling the Council of Nicea (which condemned the Arian heresy) and for beginning the process of Christianizing the empire, he waited until just before his death before he finally accepted baptism into the church.

452: Leo, bishop of Rome, sends three angry letters to protest the Council of Chalcedon’s recent elevation of Constantinople to the preeminent see in Christendom. The two cities had been placed on equal footing by a 381 ecumenical council in Constantinople, but Chalcedon tipped the scale, saying that since the imperial capital had moved to “New Rome” (Constantinople), that city deserved the benefits Rome once enjoyed. This event was one of many leading up to the East-West schism of 1054.

1789: The first American Presbyterian General Assembly convenes in Philadelphia.

1883: Billy Sunday, who would become the greatest American tent revivalist after a career in professional baseball, has his first at bat playing for the Chicago White Stockings. He struck out his first 14 attempts.

1938: M. R. DeHaan resigns from the Calvary Undenominational Church he had formed in Grand Rapids Michigan after trying to nullify church elections and having an injunction slapped on him by the courts when six men sued, 5 of them ex-members.

1944: The Gospel Mission of South American was incorporated by Reverend William Strong in Conception, Chile. He had founded the work under the name Soldier’s Gospel Mission several years earlier.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

• actress (The People Under the Stairs, Rayanne Graff on “My So Called Life,” Julie on “Coach,” Kathleen Doyle on “Brooklyn South”) A.J. Langer 44 (audio clip)
• actress (daughter of Clint Eastwood, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, One Long Night, Once Fallen) Alison Eastwood 46
• model (Simone on “New York Undercover”) Naomi Campbell 48 (audio clip)
• actor (Catch-22, Westworld, Deconstructing Harry) Richard Benjamin is 80
• actor (Prancer, My Big Fat Greek Wedding) Michael Constantine 91

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1813 : Richard Wagner

1930 : Kenny Ball

1936 : Dallas Taylor (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young)

1950 : Bernie Taupin

1954 : Jerry Dammers (The Specials)

1959 : Morrissey

1962 : Jesse Valenzuela (The Gin Blossoms)

1966 : Johnny Gill

1967 : Dan Roberts (Crash Test Dummies)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Does a person’s life really flash before them when they’re dying?

What might there be about the threat of death that inspires a sudden indulgence in autobiography? Wouldn’t the mind be fixed on other things, such as, “How the heck can I get out of here?” Yet so many people have described this phenomenon — which makes it real enough–that scientists have been compelled to try to explain it. Two theories have been proposed. The first holds that a threat as traumatic as that of imminent demise from any cause, not just drowning, automatically triggers the release of memories that one always retains but usually doesn’t recall. The other explanation points to hardware breakdown. Cutting the flow of oxygen to the brain makes its electrical impulses go haywire, catapulting long-stored memories into one’s consciousness helter skelter.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

President Trump is now promoting prison reform.  ***And you can’t really blame him.  You know… just in case.

Oil has cracked through the $80 a barrel mark and continues to head up.  ***Can we use some of that oil to make a slippery slope and have oil prices fall back down again?

In London, 19-year-old George Cassidy, a popular teenage beautician, died after hiding a bag of cocaine in her mouth after being pulled over by police at a routine check stop. The police found nothing suspicious during the check and the car was allowed to drive away soon after. But Cassidy suffered from a serious seizure later the same day and was rushed to a hospital where she died from cocaine toxicity three days later. Coroner André Rebello reassured Cassidy’s family there was “no suggestion that she had any connection with drugs”.  ***Umm… but she did.  She died of COCAINE TOXICITY – how is that not connected with drugs?

A 25-year-old Texas man went back to high school to relive his basketball glory days; he attended classes and became a basketball team star before what he was doing was discovered.  ***But then the basketball coaches begged them not to kick him out until after the season was over – they were on a winning streak!

Recent research reveals you can make yourself feel good simply by talking about yourself. Those who share information about themselves stimulate areas of the brain linked to value and motivation, says a Harvard study. Researcher Diana Tami says that is why some folks constantly talk about themselves, noting: “It feels good.”  ***In case you missed that – being a narcissist feels good.

It’s perhaps one of the most recognizable scents from childhood – and Hasbro has now trademarked the scent of Play-doh. The toy company has announced that the US Patent and Trademark Office has recognized Play-doh’s distinctive smell with a registered trademark, something rarely issued for a scent. The Rhode Island toymaker describes it as a “sweet, slightly musky, vanilla fragrance, with slight overtones of cherry, combined with the smell of a salted, wheat-based dough.” There are already some Play-doh-scented products available online, including cologne.  ***That seems creepy, doesn’t it?  Who wants to smell attractive to grade schoolers?

There’s a restaurant in New York that’s now serving hummus smoothies. ***Oh… I thought that said HUMAN smoothies.  Oh well, it’s just as disgusting either way.

The fine folks at Velveeta know a solid marketing opportunity when they see one. They’re now rolling out a new product in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s weekend wedding – a “luxurious, extra indulgent” special edition of its Shells & Cheese product – but the macaroni will be in the shape of crowns! That’s not all you’ll get. The fancy package also comes with a gold-plated spoon and wrapped up in a large gold foil box. No word on the cost or where to buy it just yet.  ***Because nothing screams “royalty” like processed cheese!  Why is Royal Crown Cola not on the ball with this?  Or Imperial Margarine?

ABC will honor Michael Jackson on the 10th anniversary of his passing with a two-hour special this Thursday night.  ***So they’re celebrating his death?  Gee… that sounds BAD.  It’s like they purposely WANNA BE STARTIN’ SOMETHING.  I think there’s a more appropriate way to REMEMBER THE TIME, without acting like a SMOOTH CRIMINAL.

Michael Keaton’s final words at his Kent State commencement speech a couple of Saturdays ago: “I’m Batman.”  ***Which sounds impressive… until you realize he could just as easily have said, “I’m Mr. Mom”.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you are a current or former musician, your brain might be in luck. A study published in the Journal of Neuroscience shows playing an instrument at a young age might make you healthier later in life. “What we see in an older adult who has made music is a biologically younger brain,” said Dr. Nina Kraus, professor of neurobiology at Northwestern University. “The fact that your cognitive sensory reward system is so engaged in the process of playing music seems to strengthen those circuits that are worked for music…and those functions that are important for language.” ***Although, you have to wonder about the quality of that language from listening to today’s youth-culture music.

Scientists announced that they have figured out how to generate electricity from viruses. ***During cold and flu season you’ll be able to plug your electric car directly into your nostrils.

Are you an early riser or a night owl? A team from the University of Alberta says it may be less about personal habits and more to do with the brain’s readiness for action. Using MRI scans, scientists found that people’s brains naturally spring into action at different times of the day. And while late night folks’ minds seem to get stronger throughout the day, the breakfast clubbers find their efficiency declines. ***And here I am… a night owl, doing a morning radio show. It is any wonder half of my jokes make no sense to my audience?

It’s long been known than a smelly pair of feet bears more than a slight resemblance to a block of ripe cheese, but scientists have taken this link to the next level by making cheese from a foot. Experts have made the stomach-churning creations using bacteria from the human foot as well as a belly button and even an armpit. ***That’s right – we spent taxpayer dollars to create foot cheese. Who’s bucket list was that on?

A study by the University of Chicago seems to indicate that the older you are, the happier you are. Interviews with 28,000 Americans from 1972 to 2004 revealed 33 percent of 88-year-olds described themselves as very happy, compared to only 24 percent of those aged 18 to 22. Overall, the odds of being happy rose 5 percent with every passing decade. It’s partly because their social lives are more active than young people’s, due to church, volunteering and senior groups, plus they’ve lowered their expectations and no longer worry that they’ll never win a Nobel Prize or something. ***In other words, give up trying to accomplish anything in your life and you’ll be ecstatic!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk was commissioned to make new badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles. But when he realized that they’d never have to buy more racquets after that, he designed them with a flaw so they break easily – meaning they’d have to buy new racquets, keeping Racquet in business. Will his dishonesty pay off? We’re about to find out…

CLOSE: Ah ha… looks like Racquet’s scheme is about to backfire on him. I’m sure he didn’t mean for all of the racquets to break so soon. Will he apologize to his friends and make it right, or will he try to get out of trouble by being dishonest again? We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A man met a really hot chick at Drake’s Bar in Kendall, Florida… and we mean that literally!

A 20-something woman at Drake’s Bar in Kendall, Florida agreed to help out with a display involving liquor and fire. As the woman danced on the bar she noticed that the aforementioned liquor and fire had set her foot ablaze. She panicked and accidentally kicked the flaming mixture onto a man passing by. The man suffered burns to about 20 percent of his upper body and both were taken to a hospital.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN COMMANDMENTS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT

10. Thou shalt not use outdated English like “thou shalt” to make My commandments seem more impressive.

9. Thou shalt watch Football on the Sabbath and dress in the colors of one’s team.

8. Thou shalt not eat thy dessert until thy vegetables are eaten.

7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s power tools.

6. Thou shalt pay tithes in small, unmarked bills.

5. Thou shalt use thy turn signal.

4. Thou shalt keep voicemails brief and not mumble any pertinent phone numbers.

3. Thou shalt not run with scissors.

2. Let it be he who calls shotgun forthright, be he who sitteth thusly.

1. Thou shalt not telephone solicit during dinnertime

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A duck breaks the speed limit in today’s files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A police camera filmed a duck breaking the speed limit in Germany. It registered 39 kilometers an hour in a 30 kilometer an hour zone. The duck was flying a few centimeters above street level when it triggered the speed camera. A police spokesman says they haven’t been able to trace the offender but she is free to go.

FILE #2: Apparently pizza can’t be classified as brain food. Jacksonville, Florida’s Joseph Whittenton was arrested after he broke into a Hungry Howie’s Pizza and stole cash and credit card receipts. And how do they know it was Joseph on the surveillance camera video? It seems Joseph works for Hungry Howie’s at the very same location he broke into and he was still wearing his uniform during the break in.

FILE #3: When 31-year-old Peter Howeler entered the bank he wanted to rob, he didn’t anticipate seeing a security guard. Peter quickly stuffed his gun in his back pocket, but as he did it, the gun went off and Peter shot himself in the, uh, backside. He was rushed to the hospital and was later charged with attempted robbery.

STRANGE LAW: In Texas a recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

From Harrisonburg, Virginia comes the story of James Martin who was entering the county courthouse to pay a fine stemming from a 1999 drug bust when the metal detector went off. “Sorry,” the guard said, “you’ll have to empty your pockets.”

Trying to find what was setting off the alarm, James reached deep into one of his pockets and pulled out a dime, which he handed to the guard. He then reached even deeper into one of his other pockets and pulled out a plastic bag. Full of marijuana. Which he also handed to the guard. He’s headed back to jail now… where they have plenty of metal detectors.

PHONER PHUN

A friend of mine is just now starting to date again after breaking up with his girlfriend a few months ago. He’s online dating. He’s a good guy and insists on paying. But that gets expensive, so I suggested that maybe he meets a few dates at a coffee bar or something, but my friend thinks that sounds cheap. So I’m putting the question to you – where’s the best place to go in town for a first date?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What violent son of Gideon was killed by a woman who dropped a millstone on his head?
ANSWER: Abimelech (Judges 9:53)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the first magazine to sell a billion copies in a year?

ANSWER: TV Guide

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The ultrasound technology called “Doppler” is used today in weather mapping, brain surgery, and cardiology. (True)

2. “Zorro” is a Spanish word for “Horse”. (False, it’s Spanish for “Fox”)

3. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he didn’t wear pants. (True)

4. According to the American Film Institute, the #1 movie song of the past 100 years was “Hakuna Matada” (False, it was “Over the Rainbow”)

5. Monty Hall was one of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (False, the turtles were: Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo, and Michelangelo)

6. John Larroquette, the “Night Court” actor, narrated the 1975 B-rate horror flick “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. (True)

7. The name of the dog from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is Spot. (False, it’s Max)

8. In the world of music, Budapest, Julliard, and Cleveland are all prominent Opera Houses. (False, they’re prominent String Quartets)

9. Including TV versions, Adam West has played both Batman and Simon Templar (aka The Saint). (False, that was Val Kilmer)

10. Geena Davis is an Oscar winner and a Mensa member, and in 1999 she tried out for Olympics. (True, for Archery)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ POUND BRIDE (800)

Susanne Eman isn’t  like any other bride.  She’s the only one who   weighs 800 pounds and eats 30,000 calories a day.

Eman is currently on a quest to become the fattest woman ever, beating the 1200 pound mark once held by Rosalie Bradford, who died in 2006.

She also has found someone who loves her just the way she is: chef Parker Clack.  The couple met online.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.”  The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.

He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.  He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”

Ah…  so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck”

JOKE #2

The local high school has a policy that the parent’s must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent’s had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. 

Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. 

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?” 

Kelly: “This is my mother.”

JOKE #3

The pastor of a local church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went BOING and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?”

She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.”

She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”

USELESS FACTS

If your boss can’t give you a raise, what’s the next best thing? How about a new job title?  A new survey says that almost 70% of most office workers would be willing to give up a pay raise in return for a more professional sounding job title.  Filing clerks could be called “data storage specialists”. Janitors could become “Custodial Engineers.” ***They did this to me too at the radio station.  Instead of a raise, I’m now an “On Air Personality” – which is a drastic improvement from my old job title of “Monkey Boy Button Pusher”.

In California an amusement park operator has taken down an inflatable slide called the “Titanic” after someone complained that the name was offensive.  ***But then, is there anything Californians are NOT offended by?

FEATURED FUNNIES

LET THERE BE LIGHTBULB JOKES…

Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: None, if it needs changing, the free market will take care of it.

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Are you kidding? 50.

Q: Why 50?

A: It’s in the contract.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Most parents pray their kids will never grow up to join a street gang. In Commerce City, Colorado, one couple was actually fighting about which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join!

19-year-old Joseph Manzanares, who is a member of the Westside Ballers Hispanic gang, stormed into the Hollywood Video store where his girlfriend works, threatened to kill her and then knocked over several video displays and a computer. She, by the way, is also a teenager and a member of the Crips. She told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to. Joseph was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, harassment, and domestic violence.  ***MARLAR: I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that this kid has absolutely no chance for anything that resembles a normal life.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE, I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK

• One: Don’t miss the boat.

• Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

• Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

• Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

• Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

• Six: Build your future on high ground.

• Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

• Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

• Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.

• Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

• Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WHOSE ARE YOU?

READ: Psalm 24

The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell therein. —Psalm 24:1

You’re not the boss of me!” Have you ever heard a child make this statement to someone in authority? It’s the child’s attempt to assert his or her independence.

It’s not just children, though. No matter what our age, we don’t like having someone tell us what to do. After all, that person might ask us to do something we don’t want to do, or put us in a situation we don’t want to be in.

Therein lies the fear of trusting God. Afraid of putting control of our life into His hands, we prefer to dig in and say, “You’re not the boss of me.”

There’s a serious problem with that line of thinking: It’s not accurate. In reality, we cannot tell God that He’s not in charge. In Psalm 24, David said, “The earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell therein” (v.1). God is the boss of “those who dwell” in the world. That means all of us.

Our response, therefore, of trusting Him and turning our life over to Him comes when we acknowledge His authority. We say to Him, “Lord, You are the boss of me! I acknowledge Your ownership, and I want to work with You to accomplish Your will.”

We are God’s. He is in charge. Our job is to trust in Him and live for Him. —Dave Branon

Now I belong to Jesus,
Jesus belongs to me,
Not for the years of time alone,
But for eternity.  —Clayton

You are not your own. . . . You were bought at a price.  —1 Corinthians 6:19-20

LEFTOVERS

REASONS WHY MARRIAGES FAIL

No matter how much you love each other, your marriage could be doomed to failure by such mundane factors as your age, previous relationships, parents or even the nasty habit of smoking, according to a study entitled “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” which identified factors that are most likely to sever relationships. The top eight reasons why your marriage might fail:

1. When a man is nine or more years older than his wife, they are twice as likely to get divorced, compared with couples who are closer in age.

2. Men who marry before age 25 are twice as likely to get divorced than men who marry at an older age.

3. Twenty percent of couples who have children before they marry — either from the same relationship or a previous relationship — divorce or separate, compared to just nine percent of couples who wait to have children until after they are married. The number of children a couple have after they are married does not affect the rate of divorce.

4. Couples are far more likely to divorce if the woman wants to have children much more than does her partner.

5. Sixteen percent of couples whose parents ever separated or divorced, experience marital separation themselves, compared with 10 percent of those whose parents did not separate or divorce.

6. When one of the partners is in his or her second or third marriage, the couple is 90 percent more likely to separate or divorce than couples who are both in their first marriage.

7. Sixteen percent of couples who identified themselves as poor or where the husband was unemployed, ended up separating or divorcing, compared with only nine percent of couples who reported healthy finances. The wife’s employment status did not affect the stability of the marriage.

8. When one — but not the other — partner smokes, the marriage is far more likely to end in failure than for couples where both or neither partner smokes.

LIFE… LIVE IT

If you’re like most people, you probably use the same password for multiple Web pages. As you might guess, this makes things much easier for cyber crooks. The problem with repeating passwords is that once a hacker breaks into one account they can easily get into all your other accounts. Experts warn that just because the bad guys haven’t gotten to you yet, don’t underestimate them. They recommend that even though it’s a hassle, to come up with different passwords and then write them down in case you forget them and to change them once in awhile.

JUST FOR FUN

WATER YOU TALKING ABOUT?

A woman in Texas receives a water bill of $1,400! But she does have a solution!

Maria Veguilla, a Wichita Falls, Texas, resident, has a problem. Normally her water bill is around $30 or so… but in March it came to $1,400! Seems she had a leak in her home. City officials are refusing to waive the charge too – because the water did go through her pipes. Of course, Maria says she can’t pay it. So they’ve come up with a compromise. Maria will pay an extra dollar every month until the bill is paid in full… meaning that the bill will finally be paid off in the year 2115. ***MARLAR: Wow! If the water company truly expects her to be able to pay until 2115, what’s in the water that makes them think she’ll live that long… and how can I get this water?

FUN LIST

WAYS TO BE ANNOYING

• Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist that you “like it that way.”

• Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

• Ask 800 operators for dates.

• Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

• Specify that your drive through order is “to go.”

• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

• Honk and wave to strangers.

• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

• Pay for your dinner with pennies.

• Tie jingle bells to all of your clothes.

• Write “X – Buried Treasure” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.

• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

• When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.”

• Stand over someone’s shoulder and mumble as they read.

• Finish the “99 Bottles of Beer” song.

• Name your dog “Dog.”

• Ask people what gender they are.

• Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

• At a golf tournament chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”

• Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

• Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”

• Select the same song on the juke box fifty times.

• When reaching for something, exclaim “Go Go Gadget Arm!”

• Walk into a gift shop and yell “Where’s my gift?”

• Walk into a store on Sunday and scream “Are you open Thursdays?”

• Bring your own mattress to a hotel.

• Always Always speak speak in in doubles doubles..

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Your favorite swimming pool may be closing soon!

The US Justice Department issued a 60-day stay of execution for hundreds of thousands of public pools which had been required to install ramps and wheelchair lifts by today or else face lawsuits over violating disability laws.  President Obama in 2010 dramatically expanded the rules for access under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and the new regulations mean that every publicly accessible pool — from municipal facilities to hotels — must have two “accessible means of entry,” at least one of which must be a ramp or wheelchair lift. Spas must also have either a lift or a transfer system to help the disabled enter them, under the new rules.  Under the law, non-compliant facilities can be sued.  And in many cases, closing down would be cheaper than battling a lawsuit.  ***MARLAR: So clean your bathtub – it might be doubling as a wading pool this Summer!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you think dreams are just fluffy fantasies you’re wrong. Dreams are full of meaning and can make you smarter and spur creativity by linking thoughts and ideas you’d never connect when you’re awake, say experts. “The waking mind is thinking inside the box,” says Harvard Medical School Professor David Kahn. “The dreaming mind is thinking outside the box.” Dreams can spark insights and solutions to problems, as well as trigger new imaginative ideas. A sleeping Paul McCartney actually heard the music for the Beatles’ hit song “Yesterday” in a dream. He woke up and immediately wrote it down.

Getting food delivered sure is convenient but it is also a surefire way to gain weight. According to a study in the journal Management Science, if you place an order on the phone or online and have it delivered, you are likely to buy about 100 calories more food than if you order it in person. It is the anonymity of not having to face a potentially judgmental server that frees customers up to pile on the extra food, researchers concluded. “Alone in your home, you do not face the same judgment about food choices you would when you are out,” says study head Ryan McDevitt, Ph.D. but if you must call it in, he says, “Avoid overindulging by placing the order around family members.” (Men’s Fitness)

When you sleep, your brain goes into a cleaning frenzy, mopping up gunk and junk that builds up while you’re awake and has the potential to cause Alzheimer’s disease. When you dream, something remarkable happens to your brain. At least, it happens in mice. And the scientists from the University of Rochester Medical Center who led the study, think there is good reason to believe it happens in humans, too, which could provide new clues to treating Alzheimer’s disease, dementia and other mind disorders. In addition, they discovered that brain cells tend to shrink during sleep, which widens the space between the cells — and that allows waste to pass through that space more easily. Lead researcher Dr. Maiken Nedergaard explained that this same type of plumbing system also exists in dogs and baboons, which means it’s logical to think it also exists in the human brain. Why does the “cleaning” only happen during sleep? The brain uses a lot of energy to flush out the junk and gunk, so it’s easier and more efficient to do this task during sleep when the brain isn’t being used for so many other functions.

Here’s something else for pessimists to grumble about optimists live longer, healthier lives, says University of Pittsburgh researchers. They found that women with a negative attitude had more health problems and were more likely to have high blood pressure, diabetes or smoke cigarettes. Cynically hostile gals were 23% more likely to die from cancer, while women with a positive attitude were 30% less likely to die from heart disease.

Office snacks from candy dishes to doughnuts may boost morale, but they can wreck your waistline and sabotage your health. It has been shown that just the sight or smell of candy, cookies, donuts and other sugary sweet concoctions triggers a desire to eat some. Since most of us are lugging around excess body fat, this kind of morale booster is not helping our diet efforts and may inadvertently contribute to increasing sick days and perhaps anxiety, listlessness or moodiness when the resulting sugar rush wears off. Think you can work off that piece of candy by just exercising more? Chances are, you can’t. If you eat just two pieces of candy each workday, it totals about 480 calories.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

It has been a little over two weeks since Dakota Pitts’s father died in the line of duty, and last Monday, he returned to school for the first time since the incident.  Thankfully, the 5-year-old boy didn’t have to go alone.  Since Dakota’s father was a police officer at the Terre Haute Police Department in Indiana, the youngster asked his mother if one of his dad’s friends could escort him to school.  When local law enforcement heard about Dakota’s request, they were more than happy to oblige.  So when Dakota finally returned to school on Monday, there were 70 police officers, SWAT members, and deputies there to welcome him and reassure him that they had his back.  “He will definitely know his dad was a hero,” Dakota’s aunt told WTHI. “Blood doesn’t always make family and I think the blue family went above and beyond.” (Good News Network)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In an epic ironic twist, the owners of the website Mugshots.com are getting mugshots of their own. California authorities have arrested Sahar Sarid, Kishore Vidya Bhavnanie, Thomas Keesee, and David Usdan on charges of extortion, money laundering, and identity theft. Mugshots collects individuals’ names, booking photos and charges from police websites, publishes the data online, and then charges a fee to remove it. When people see the mugshot online, their first instinct is to contact the site to get it down, only to be routed to another website called Unpublisharrest.com which charges a fee, usually $399, to have the content removed. Mugshots publishes the photo even if charges were dismissed or the arrest was made in error. There are other sites like Mugshots, which has allegedly raked in more than $2.4 million in fees from at least 5,703 people in the last three years, reports the Washington Post. In 2014 California passed a law that makes it illegal to charge a fee for mugshot removal, and other states have similar legislation, but websites have ignored the laws or figured out how to work around them. The release of incriminating information can take an enormous toll. One widow said in an affidavit that she tried to get the site to remove the mugshot of her husband, who was never charged with a crime and later committed suicide. She said, “They are profiting from people’s pain.” (Washington Post)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. –Groucho Marx

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 18, 2018…

Untitled Deadpool Sequel (a.k.a. “Deadpool 2”) —Ryan Reynolds has made this super-hero his own, including foul language and a bad sense of humor. Here comes the second installment, as of this time, without an actual title. In this film, Deadpool has a girlfriend (Morena Baccarin from television’s “Gotham”.) Here comes the villain, Cable (Josh Brolin) and Deadpool wants to do battle but needs help. The theme is a villain from the future hunting a talented teen from today. Deadpool gathers a crew to help from among the mutants.  Good luck, there. “Untitled Deadpool Sequel” is rated R and rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

Show Dogs—Another film about the arena, you say?  This one has a different idea, it’s about a police dog who goes “undercover” to catch crooks at a national dog show. Will the police dog stay on duty or be captivated by that cute little poodle who just strolled by. We shall see.  The cast includes Stanley Tucci, RuPaul, Will Arnett and Natasha Lyonne. “Show Dogs” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

Pope Francis: A Man Of His Word—This documentary by the noted director Wim Wenders takes us into the life of Pope Francis, shows us how he interprets his role as the Pope and how people react to him. “Pope Francis: A Man Of His Word” is rated PG. Rating of 3.

Book Club—This book club doesn’t read the best sellers as such, they got interested in “Fifty Shades of Grey” and it certainly opened their eyes.  The book club—Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen, Jane Fonda and Mary Steenburgen—suddenly find reading to be quite—interesting?  Then, come the guys—Andy Garcia, Richard Dreyfuss, Don Johnson and Craig T. Nelson—and away we go. “Book Club” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

MAY 25, 2018…

Solo and here comes another record breaker at the box office. Aidan Ehrenreich takes on the role of a young Han Solo in the “Star Wars” franchise.Harrison Ford will not be forgotten.

Mary Shelley is the story of the young girl who wrote “Frankenstein” almost 200 years ago.

Future World stars James Franco in a sci-fi film about a new world

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.