May 24, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180524
PDF: 20180524

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

You are listening to (THE JOCK SHOW)! If you are not listening, please disregard this announcement.

For weeks I’ve been accidentally dropping food on the floor, leaving it there for the dog, only to remember just now that I don’t have one.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“A good leader can’t get too far ahead of his followers.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. — James 3:13

Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. — Romans 15:2

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people. — Isaiah 10:1-2

Thought: Complete power corrupts completely… by allowing us to have what we shouldn’t; …by allowing us to forget where we came from; …by allowing us to ignore the cries of the oppressed. Complete power corrupts, because only God can handle complete power! Our desire to have it is like the sin of Adam and Eve – it is the lust to be God. But true power, power acceptable to The Complete Power, is used to bless the broken, lift the unfortunate, forgive the guilty, and assist the powerless.

Prayer: Almighty and incomparable God, I don’t want to spend my time positioning myself to have power over others. Please give me the grace, the ability, and the opportunity to bless others — not so I will feel superior or important, but so that they will be blessed and you will be praised. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

John 5:24 NIV = “I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life.”

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MAY 24, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
214 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is BROTHERS DAY, a day to celebrate brotherhood and brotherly-love.  ***I was the older brother in my house, but I know that for the younger brothers it’s often hard to follow in their older brother’s footsteps.  But look on the bright side – your older brother could’ve been JESUS!  Try living up to that model with your parents! “Why aren’t you more like your brother Jesus?!? He never lies to us… he never steals from his brothers and sisters… he miraculously changes our water into tasty wine…”

Today is NATIONAL ESCARGOT DAY.  ***A celebration I just assume avoid.

Today is PLAY KICK THE CAN WITH A KID DAY.  ***Just to alleviate confusion, that means to find a can and play the game with a kid, not play Kick the Can with a kid, by using the kid as a can.

Today is INTERNATIONAL TIARA DAY. ***Real or virtual tiara wearing is optional. But if you do decide to act as if you’re wearing a tiara today, be sure to take your Chihuahua with you.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Aviation Maintenance Technician Day
Brother’s Day
Declaration of The Bab
Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day
EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day
International Tiara Day
Morse Code Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, MAY 25

Cookie Monster’s Birthday
Don’t Fry Day
Heat Awareness Day
National and International Missing Children’s Day
National Polka Day
National Tap Dance Day
National Title Track Day
National Wig Out Day
National Wine Day
Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day
Towel Day
World Thyroid Day

SATURDAY, MAY 26

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)
International Heritage Breeds Day
Julia Pierpont Day
National Chardonnay Day
National Paper Airplane Day
World Lindy Hop Day

SUNDAY, MAY 27

Cellophane Tape Day
Indianapolis 500

MONDAY, MAY 28

National Hamburger Day
Sierra Club Day
Slugs Return From Capistrano Day
Memorial Day
Prayer for Peace Memorial Day

TUESDAY, MAY 29

Learn About Composting Day
Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 30

Loomis Day
Mint Julep Day
National Creativity Day
Shavout
Save Your Hearing Day
National Senior Health & Fitness Day

THURSDAY, MAY 31

Necrotizing Fasciitis Awareness Day
What You Think Upon Grows Day
World MS Day (Multiple Sclerosis)
World No-Tobacco Day

ON THIS DAY

1626: Peter Minuit bought Manhattan Island for $24 worth of beads, knives, axes, and clothes. He bought it from the Canarsees, who did not own it. The Canarsees inhabited what is now Brooklyn. The Weckquaesgeeks actually owned most of Manhattan. ***And most of the financially prosperous in New York today are also geeks. We used to call them nerds… now we call them, “Sir.”

1883: The Brooklyn Bridge, linking Brooklyn and Manhattan, was opened to traffic.

1950: The New York Knicks bought Nat “Sweetwater” Clifton’s contract from the Harlem Globetrotters. Clifton would become the first black player in the NBA.

1963: Elmore James, one of the most influential blues guitarists in history, died of a heart attack in Chicago at age 45.

1974: William Gold of Australia received 28¢ for an article he had written for a Canberra newspaper. He had written more than 3-million words in 18 years and it was his first sale.

1974: After nine seasons, the last “Dean Martin Show” was seen on NBC-TV. (audio clip)

1982: Mrs. Christina Samane gave birth to a 22-pound 8-ounce son in Transkei, South Africa, the heaviest baby ever born. According to Guinness, the child weighed 77 pounds at 16 months and 112 pounds at age 5. ***Congratulations, Mrs. Samane… you’ve just given birth to a teenager.

1988: Snow fell on the Syrian desert and Damascus had ten hours of snowfall for the first time in 50 years.

1989: Weird Al Yankovic recorded “Generic Blues,” “Spam,” “Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota,” and “Radioactive Hamsters.”

1995: Reuters news service reported the first International Dracula Congress began in Bucharest as Dracula fans arrived to lay wreaths of garlic at his Transylvanian shrine. ***But then they saw that admittance was $134 per person. Blood suckers.

1998: Philadelphia mayor Ed Rendell proclaimed May 24th “Van Halen Day” in Philadelphia.

1999: Boxer Mike Tyson walked was released from a Rockville, Maryland, jail after serving 3½ months behind bars for assaulting two motorists after a fender-bender.

2001: Egyptian doctors successfully removed a 100-pound cyst from the stomach of a 17-year-old girl. ***Teenaged girls from around the country immediately lined up at the doctor’s front door saying they too wanted to lose a hundred pounds overnight.

2003: A 44-year-old drunk driver in The Netherlands stunned police when he crashed the breathalyzer. A later blood test showed the man had seven times too much alcohol in his bloodstream.

2004: President Bush tried to reassure Americans in a prime-time TV address that he had a plan to end the violence that had marked the year since he declared an end to major combat in Iraq.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1089 (traditional date): Archbishop of Canterbury, scholar, and church reformer Lanfranc dies. Known primarily for his development of the doctrine of transubstantiation, in which the eucharistic bread and wine become Christ’s body and blood, he also educated brilliant scholar Anselm and future pope Alexander II.

1543: Polish astronomer and cleric Nicolas Copernicus dies in Poland. His heliocentric (sun-centered) concept of the solar system was radical, though not unheard of before his time. Still, some theologians strongly criticized the theory. The Roman Catholic Church never ordained Copernicus, but he participated in a religious community at the cathedral of Frauenburg.

1689: Parliament passes England’s Toleration Act, granting freedom of worship to Dissenters (non-Anglican Protestants). but not to Catholics and atheists.

1738: Father of Methodism John Wesley feels his “heart strangely warmed” when he hears a reading of the preface to Luther’s commentary on Romans at London’s Aldersgate Chapel.

1844: Samuel F. B. Morse, Christian inventor, demonstrates the first practical telegraph with the message “What hath God wrought.”

1854: Presbyterians found the first black college in the United States: Pennsylvania’s Lincoln University.

1861: Death of Mary Webb. Although bound to a wheel chair from youth, she founded the first women’s missionary society in America and coordinated 200 missionary societies.

1878: Harry Emerson Fosdick, popular champion of liberal Christianity and often called “the most influential interpreter of religion to his generation,” is born.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Cockroach on “The Bill Cosby Show”) Carl Anthony Payne, 49
  • Actor (Martin Fitzgerald on “Without A Trace”) Eric Close, 52 (audio clip)
  • Actor (Chicago, The Good Girl, Thin Red Line) John C. Reilly, 54
  • Actress (The English Patient, Random Hearts, The Horse Whisperer) Kristin Scott Thomas, 59
  • Famous wife/actress (Naked Gun movies, “Melrose Place”, “Dallas”) Priscilla Presley, 74 (audio clip)
  • Actor (Cpl. Radar O’Reilly on “M*A*S*H”) Gary Burghoff, 76 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1930 : Clint Eastwood

1935 : Herb Alpert

1938 : Peter Yarrow (Peter, Paul and Mary)

1938 : Johnny Paycheck

1940 : Augie Meyers (Sir Douglas Quintet)

1944 : Mick Ralphs (Mott The Hoople, Bad Company)

1947 : Junior Campbell (Marmalade)

1948 : John Bonham (Led Zeppelin)

1952 : Karl Bartos (Kraftwerk)

1954 : Vicki Sue Robinson

1962 : Corey Hart

1964 : Darryl McDaniel (Run-DMC)

1965 : Steve White (Style Council)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call a problem with a torn cuticle a “hangnail?”

By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that a hangnail has something to do with capital punishment for nails. First, we need to tell you what a cuticle is. The cuticle is the hardened skin at the base of a nail and it’s that, not the nail itself, that’s torn. In Anglo-Saxon England, a corn on the toe was called an “agnail.” They derived that word from “ang,” meaning “ouch, it hurts,” and naegl, the head of a nail, because a corn looked like the head of a different kind of nail… the kind you drive into wood with a hammer. The toe and finger problems seemed similar, and the two kinds of “nails” at least sounded identical. So you shift the anatomy, make a pun and add an “h” and you have the hangnail. And it still hurts.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

McDonald’s is expanding its delivery service by partnering with Uber so it can bring food right to your door. ***So I guess I won’t be seeing the sun anytime soon.

The Obamas’ multi-year deal with Netflix will allow the former first couple to produce “a diverse mix of content” including scripted and unscripted series, documentaries and features.  ***Michelle Obama’s first show is already in the works called “You’re Going To Eat What I Tell You To Eat!”

President Trump admitted Tuesday that the North Korea summit may be delayed or not happen at all.  ***Maybe you make Dennis Rodman the ambassador to North Korea.  Granted, there was a time when the visuals of that would’ve been ludicrous, but I think we’re past caring about appearances with this administration.

Nicolas Maduro won reelection in Venezuela despite a disapproval rate of 75%.  ***You just KNOW the Trump reelection team is taking notes.

Google has removed the “Don’t be evil” clause from their code of conduct.  ***So now you can work for Google and be as evil as you want to be!  YAY!!!!

Now there’s a study that claims an egg a day will actually lower your risk of heart disease.  ***I’m already stocking up on the Cadburys.

At the 24th World Scout Jamboree coming up in West Virginia in August, they’ll be handing out condoms for the very first time.  ***Aaaaand thus ends my support of Scouting. Is there a new “Safe Sex” badge in order to qualify for Webelo?

Apple is teasing a smarter Siri, with a new voice.  ***Give it the voice of Kathleen Turner and I’ll do whatever Siri says.

Scientists claim to have succeeded transplanting a memory from the brain of one sea snail and implanting it into another.  ***How do you test that?  It’s a sea snail.  Do they even have anything to remember?

Levi’s just released a smart jacket that lets you know when your Uber arrives.  ***Do you really need a smart jacket if you’re not already smart enough to know that the Uber app does this with zero the cost?

The Post Office is getting ready to issue the first scratch and sniff stamps. Among the rumored scents: strawberry, chocolate, kiwi and root beer.  ***This is much better than their original idea of scratch and sniff stamps based on the states.  Can you imagine the smell of New Jersey coming to you with your sanitation bill?

The Miss USA Pageant took place Monday night – and the winner was Miss Nebraska, Sarah Rose Summers.  ***Did you even know the pageant was on TV this week?  Of course not – we’re too busy to watch Rose Summers – Miss USA, we’re busy watching Stormy Daniels – Miss Bustier!

Maddie Poppe won “American Idol” Monday, with the runner-up Caleb Lee Hutchinson announcing that he and Maddie were an item.  ***Wait… “American Idol” is still on the air?!?!

Brett Favre is now telling that during his playing days, his addiction to painkillers and alcohol landed him in rehab 3 times.  ***No wonder he was able to play when hurt – he was already numb.

Will Smith and Nicky Jam, together with Kosovo singer Era Istrefi, will perform the official song for the 2018 World Cup.  ***I can hear it now… “Now this is a story all about how, I scored a soccer goal while upside down…”

Starbucks clarified their “Come and say as long as you want” policy by saying that sleeping and drug use will not be tolerated.  ***Well nuts – that takes all the fun out of it!

Nicki Minaj has been quietly supporting a small village in India, through her pastor. So far, she’s provided a Computer Center, a Tailoring Institute, a Reading Program and two water wells. ***Suddenly I’m not as disgusted by Nicki Minaj. Still disgusted… just not as much.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Male boss, or female? Which do you prefer? A survey from Gallup gives the edge to men, 32 to 22 percent. ***The remaining 46 percent of respondents were women who punched out the researchers.

Fatherhood may be a kick in the old testosterone, but it may also help keep a man alive. Research suggests that dads are a little less likely to die of heart-related problems than childless men are. The study – by the AARP, the government and several universities – is the largest ever on male fertility and mortality, involving nearly 138,000 men. Although a study like this can’t prove that fatherhood and mortality are related, there are plenty of reasons to think they might be, several heart disease experts said. Marriage, having lots of friends and even having a dog can lower the chance of heart problems and cardiac-related deaths, previous research suggests. Similarly, kids might help take care of you or give you a reason to take better care of yourself. ***How can you NOT have better heart-health when you’re required to chase after a three-year-old at all hours when they run with scissors, try to eat bugs, and think a cape can make them fly like Superman?

Doctors are increasingly diagnosing ailments related to smartphones & tablets, like “text claw” and “iPosture”. ***People might take the problem more seriously if those conditions didn’t sound like fighting stances from “The Karate Kid”.

Hey stop clowning around with your kids — literally! A recent study by the University of Sheffield in England says small children and even older kids don’t like clowns and are scared of them. The study of more than 250 children, aged four to 16, found clown images were widely disliked. It suggests that decorating children’s rooms and hospital wards with paintings of clowns to create a nurturing atmosphere could backfire. Researcher Dr. Penny Curtis said, “As adults we make assumptions about what works for children. We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening.” ***Decorate your kid’s room with clowns and YOU might be the Bozo.

A new Yale study claims that drinking a glass of wine works out our brain more than anything else we consume. ***The wine workout. Up next… Wine Zumba!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Racquet the Skunk made new single-notched badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles – but they all broke during their first game. But instead of making things right with his friends, Racquet is just trying to sell them more defective badminton racquets so he can get rich…

CLOSE: I can’t believe Racquet is so greedy that he’d prefer to get rich by ripping his friend off rather than be honest and help them like a true friend. I hope he comes to his senses soon. Tune in next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A man drives his brand new car into a big steaming pile of “DUH” just to impress his girlfriend.

A young English couple had to be rescued from a Moment of Duh recently after their car sank in a manure pit during a trip to the country. Craig Aitken took his girlfriend for a drive because she strongly disapproved of his new car. She was mad at him for spending so much money on his new car, and he was hoping to patch things up during the drive. But Craig drove into a giant pile of manure and the car sank up to its windows.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN LIVING AT HOME TOO LONG

10. The first hint is that all the locks are changed.

9. Your kids move out of your parent’s house before you do.

8. Little geometric doodle you made during recent tedious phone call wound up in kitchen, affixed to front of fridge with magnets.

7. Your mother still makes your bed, and then yells at you about grandchildren!

6. In an attempt to escape you, the house dislodges itself from its foundation while you are at work and is now five blocks away posing as a 7-11.

5. Your Mom helps you do the “comb-overs” in the morning before you go to work.

4. At your high school reunion you’re deliberately vague about how you’re saving so much money on your “mortgage”…

3. You’re 35, and your interior decor consists of Transformers bed sheets and Hot Wheels curtains.

2. You have a wife and four kids, but still can’t fall asleep until mommy tucks you in.

1. You come home one day to a near empty house with a note from your parents saying, “You win, we’ve moved and we’re not giving you the address.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

What do you get when you combine a vacuum and a bank robbery?  You’d think “a clean getaway” – but these are the files of Law and Disorder… so you know the outcome actually is going to “suck” for the robber.

FILE #1: Michael Shewman of Indiana used a vacuum attachment as a gun to rob a bank. He is now serving a 20 years sentence. And if you were wondering, yes, vacuum cleaner attachments ARE considered weapons. Michael pled guilty to armed robbery.

FILE #2: A California man faces a burglary charge after police found him stuck in a chimney. Matthew Allen told police he fell down the chimney after going on to the roof of the house to look at the stars. When he got stuck near the bottom of the chimney, he took his pants off and began waving them around to set off the home’s motion detectors. Police officers were dispatched to the house twice Saturday morning but saw no signs of an intruder. Neighbors eventually heard a commotion coming from the house and called the police.

FILE #3: In New York, a crime-fighting kitten has been given a special award for undercover work that helped cops snare a bogus vet. Fred the cat, a former stray, lined up with 20 police, fire and court officers as they were recognized for heroism with a plaque from Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes. Fred helped lead to the arrest of Steven Vassall, who had allegedly performed a botched operation on a Boston terrier. Vassall was called to an apartment, rigged up with a hidden camera, where he was to pick up Fred to neuter him. He was allegedly caught on tape telling an investigator posing as Fred’s owner he could do the operation for $135. As soon as he walked away from the house carrying the cat and the cash, he was arrested and charged with treating pets without a license.

STRANGE LAW: In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Cops are there to help, right? Even when you need help because your drug deal goes bad?

Two men say they were robbed at gunpoint while trying to buy 20 pounds of marijuana. So, they called 9-1-1. The sheriff’s office in the Daytona Beach, Florida-area says the men went to a home Monday with $12,000 to buy the drugs. Two men at the home jumped them, took their money and drove off. The would-be buyers jumped in their own car to follow the robbers, calling 911 for help. The other car got away, but deputies went back to the house, where they arrested a guy and charged him with robbery.

PHONER PHUN

Aside from the obvious stuff like your GPS, sunglasses, etc., what is mandatory to carry with you in your car? Me? Wet wipes.

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who rebuilt Jericho at the cost of two of his sons’ lives?
ANSWER: Hiel (1 Kings 16:34)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to Mental Floss magazine, what company adopted a red, white, and blue logo to support America’s war effort in the 1940s?

ANSWER: Pepsi.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. A “doggerel” is a poem. (True)

2. Sluggrrr is the name of the green-shag ogre that is the Philadelphia Phillies’ mascot. (False, The Phanatic)

3. Comedian Kevin James played Max Headroom. (False, Matt Frewer did)

4. The Blues Brothers recorded the 1978 hit album: “Briefcase full of Blues.” (True)

5. Pakistan has a Hindu eagle as its national emblem. (False, Indonesia)

6. George Harrison was the oldest member of the Beatles. (False, Ringo Starr)

7. Clement Clark Moore published “A visit from Saint Nicholas” in 1823. (True)

8. Mary Edwards Walker, the first female surgeon in the US Army, is also the only female winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor. She served in the War of 1812. (False, Civil War)

9. Ban Pong is the correct name of Bangkok. (False, it’s Krung Thep)

10. There are 2 bedrooms in the board game Clue. (False, there are none)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

RENT-A-_________ (BABY)

A new government  program allows couples to “rent” babies before deciding whether to have a child of their own.

The newborns are taken from publicly-funded homes for unwed mothers shortly after birth and placed into  the homes of married adults.

Here’s how it works:  For $5,000, couples get to rent a baby for up to eight weeks.  The couple can renew the lease or the baby is returned and sent to another couple for the same length of time.

Most babies will live with six different couples during their first year, at which time they can be put up for permanent adoption.  The $5,000 rental fee goes to the unwed mothers’ homes.

“There are thousands of young, double-income couples who are undecided about what they want to do with their lives,” says Dr. Audrey Hollings, a sociologist who helped pioneer the program, known as the Parental Skills Training Project (PSTP).

“PSTP offers couples (straight and gay) an opportunity to see, firsthand, what caring for a baby involves and it allows them to make an informed choice.  Another plus is that it supports badly needed homes that are for unwed mothers who would otherwise have no place to go.”

Single women who can prove they are financially solvent, can also rent a baby.  ”It works great because you can take the baby during the week and give it back on the weekends when you want to go out with your friends,” said Mindy Walton of Chicago.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, “Dad, am I 100% polar bear?”
The father polar bear replied, “Of course, son, you’re 100% polar bear.”
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, “Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?”
The father polar bear replies, “Son, I’m 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear.”
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, “Dad, don’t think your sparing my feelings if it’s not true. I gotta know — am I 100% polar bear?”
The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, “Why do you keep asking if you’re 100% polar bear?”
“Because I’m freezing!”

JOKE #2

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a “Charm Course” was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant. She said, “Remain seated in the car or truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you.”

Then, returning to reality, she added, “But, if man is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don’t wait any longer.”

JOKE #3

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn’t locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped.

We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.

“Neither,” he replied. “I deliver pizzas.”

USELESS FACTS

A study from Louisiana found that just dieting is as effective for weight loss as dieting plus exercise.  ***Actually, I’d think dieters would get less exercise, since they’re no longer walking back and forth to the refrigerator.

Greece is banning all electronic arcade games because of the epidemic of illegal gambling going on in the country. ***I’ll give you ten-to-one this lasts less than a year.

FEATURED FUNNIES

FOREIGN PIZZA

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he’s in luck, there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, “What on earth did you put on this pizza?”

The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

TEACHER TANTRUM

What if your teacher asked you to cut your hair in the middle of class just because he didn’t like it? Would you do it? What if he threatened that you’d have to take your midterms over again if you didn’t cut your hair? That’s what happened in one classroom!

A teacher has been chastised by a human rights group for humiliating his students by making them cut their wild hair styles. The conservative teacher handed out scissors to male students and told them to shear off their freaky hair right in the middle of end-year exams. The students did so (albeit reluctantly) after they were told they would have to retake their exams if they did not start cutting immediately. Parents alleged the teacher acted as barber himself to two students who stood their ground, but the teacher denies doing that. According to one parent, “It was a slight on their dignity and particularly humiliating.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

TRUTH

Truth is one of the most effective tools available to you. When you respect, honor and abide in the truth, you put yourself on the side of strength and power.
You can try to cover it up, explain it away, run from it or rationalize against it, but in the end if you go against the truth you will lose. Lies, deceit, half truths, rationalizations and justifications must constantly be defended and maintained, and will eventually crumble. The truth remains the truth whether it is defended or not.
It often can seem convenient or expedient to deny the truth. But when you deny the truth you put yourself in a position of weakness. Making a habit of that can drain your energy, not to mention your credibility.
Put yourself on the side of the truth, though it may be inconvenient or even painful. There will surely come a time when you’ll be glad you did.

Ralph S. Marston, Jr.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

CAN WE REJOICE?

READ: Habakkuk 3:17-19

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord . . . . The Lord God is my strength. —Habakkuk 3:18-19

I’ll never forget the question our Bible-study leader asked: “What do you fear would test your faith in God the most?” We were studying Habakkuk 3:17-18, where the prophet said that even if God sent suffering or loss, he would still rejoice.

As a single woman in my twenties, my answer was “I don’t know if I could stand the pain of losing my parents.” But I told God that day that even when they died I would rejoice in Him. I found out too soon that it’s easier said than done.

A month later, Dad learned he had heart disease and didn’t have long to live. He didn’t know Jesus as his Savior, so I begged God not to let him die without coming to know Him. Not only did he die that year, so did Mom, who was a believer. I didn’t know if my prayer for Dad was answered. I couldn’t rejoice; I wondered if God had even heard my prayer.

As I wrestled with Him about my questions, I experienced the Lord as my “refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). I found hope in the truth that God, “the Judge of all the earth,” would do what was right by everyone (Genesis 18:25).

We can rejoice—when we are rejoicing in the Lord, our strong refuge and righteous Judge. —Anne Cetas

Why must I bear this pain? I cannot tell;
I only know my Lord does all things well.
And so I trust in God, my all in all,
For He will bring me through, whate’er befall.  —Smith

God tries our faith so that we may try His faithfulness.

LEFTOVERS

INSANE LAWSUIT

Can you sue someone because what you stole from them turned out not to be what you thought it was?

Before you light that candle make sure it’s really a candle! A cleaning lady in Grand Haven, Michigan stole what she thought was a candle from a condo she was cleaning. It wasn’t until she lit it did she find out that the candle was really a firecracker. As the result of her little mistake, she suffered some minor injuries, but instead of that just being a lesson learned for stealing, she decided to sue. That’s right, she is suing the owners of the condo where she stole the firecracker. She claims they should have put a warning label on the firecracker. ***MARLAR: It’s only common courtesy to label every single one of your possessions on the off chance they’re stolen by an idiot burglar.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO AVOID A CLUNKER

(From FHM magazine)

  • Oil — “Check the oil before you turn on the engine, because once you start the car, you’re not going to get an accurate reading or see the oil’s clarity,” says former Phoenix used-car salesman Stick Bogart.
  • Radiator Cap — “Pull the radiator cap off and turn it upside down,” Bogart says. “If there’s a white milky substance there, it’s possible the head gasket is blown.”
  • Dipstick — “With automatic transmissions, if the dipstick smells rusty or burnt, that means the transmission has high miles on it and is probably close to the end of its life,” Bogart advises.
  • Engine — “Leave the hood open while you start up the car and listen,” Bogart says. “Does the engine limp and have a little extra vibration? It may need a valve job.”
  • Upholstery — “The front seats are often used more,” Bogart says, “so if somebody reupholstered the front seats and didn’t do the back ones, the car may have a lot more miles on it than you’ve been told.”

JUST FOR FUN

THE ART OF MAKING CHANGE

An interesting work of art has been defaced – and boy is the artist mad!

While “starving artists” tend to get the most prestige, Rick Magnuson went a different direction and actually placed an authentic $100 bill in the center of one of his paintings! Why would he do such a thing? Well, he calls it “conceptual artwork”. Hanging in an Aspen, Colorado art museum is the piece of work entitled, “I Dare You to Steal This $100.” Well, who can ignore a challenge like that, right? After about a month, someone finally took him up on his challenge. They took the C-note but interestingly enough, left five $20 bills in its place. That’s right… they made change for Rick’s painting! Rick is pretty upset about it. “I wanted someone to try and steal it and catch them,” he said. “This makes it vague now. It ruined the whole aesthetics for me and I don’t think it’s a valuable piece of art anymore because it’s been defaced.” ***MARLAR: A valuable piece of art – worth about a hundred bucks.

FUN LIST

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT AT THE OFFICE WITHOUT DOING MUCH
Here’s your guide to calorie-burning activities and calories burned per hour:

  • Beating around the bush 75
  • Making mountains out of mole hills 500
  • Jumping to conclusions 100
  • Swallowing your pride 50
  • Passing the buck 25
  • Throwing your weight around 50-300 (depending on your weight)
  • Dragging your heels 100
  • Pushing your luck 250
  • Hitting the nail on the head 50
  • Wading through paperwork 300
  • Bending over backwards 75
  • Jumping on the bandwagon 200
  • Balancing the books 200
  • Running in circles 350
  • Eating crow 225
  • Tooting your own horn 25
  • Climbing the ladder of success 750
  • Pulling out the stops 75
  • Adding fuel to the fire 160
  • Wrapping it up 12
  • Putting your foot in your mouth 300
  • Starting the ball rolling 90
  • Going over the edge 25
  • Picking up the pieces 350
  • Counting eggs before they hatch 6
  • Calling it quits 2

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

EIGHT THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR BOSS

We’ve rounded up eight cringe-inducing things that you should never say to your boss unless you’re itching for an awkward censure session, a good, old-fashioned chiding or even a pink slip.

Did you hear that hot gossip about Andy in IT? Scandalous, am I right? = Unless the boss man or lady also happens to be a close BFF that you’ve known for years, water cooler hearsay, particularly when it involves co-workers, should remain right there – at the water cooler.  Never mind the fact that it’s gossip, which is always a bad idea.

Can we talk about that gift subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club? = Avoid discussing holiday bonuses – or a lack thereof – with your boss. It’s bad form. A bonus is a bonus, and you should thank him or her whether you’re the recipient of a generous check or a year’s supply of canned preserves.

I’m busy. Ask Rita to do it.  = Four things that should never come out of one’s mouth in the presence of an employer: “I can’t,” “I won’t,” “that’s impossible,” “ask somebody else to do it,” or, gasp, “do it yourself.” Sure, you may be swamped beyond belief with TPS reports, but if a higher-up comes to you for something, your first impulse should be to say” of course” (sigh and roll your eyes after the boss has left the room).

I heard through the grapevine that you have a Match.com profile up … care to meet my recently divorced neighbor? = Don’t attempt to meddle in your supervisor’s romantic life (or lack thereof). Matchmaking amongst co-workers is a mostly acceptable practice, but don’t get your boss involved unless he or she specifically requests help.

I am so bored! = Never complain to your boss about being bored or that your job is too easy (there’s a reason Angry Birds was invented, you know). If you’re truly feeling listless and unstimulated beyond belief, be proactive and ask for additional work or volunteer to chip in with something that needs attention.

Happy hour lasted until 2 a.m. for me last night. Can I take off early?  = Unless he or she was with you last night, your boss is likely to have little sympathy for your extracurricular activities, especially when it involves drinking.

Really? Is this the best the company could do? = It doesn’t matter if you’re referring to new office chairs, the communal fridge or the location of a company retreat or holiday party. Don’t go on a whiny tirade to your supervisor about petty things regarding company spending that don’t sit well with you.

I watched “9 to 5” and “Horrible Bosses” back-to-back this weekend. Care to meet me in a deserted parking garage after work? = Expressing your displeasure with a tyrannical or incompetent boss by telling him or her you’ve been loading up your Netflix queue with workplace revenge fantasies isn’t exactly a step in the right direction.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Let sleeping dogs lie elsewhere. Allowing your dog to crawl into your bed can disrupt shut-eye, says a new Mayo Clinic study. But good news: You likely won’t lose sleep if your pup snoozes in your room, results show you may even sleep better knowing Fido is there. (Woman’s Day)

It takes 15 to 20 seconds of hand washing to kill disease-causing germs, but most people only wash their hands for about 6 seconds, including restaurant workers. Improper hand washing contributes to nearly 50 percent of all foodborne illness outbreaks. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, you should wash your hands under running water and with soap for at least 20 seconds. An easy way to time it is to wash your hands as long as it takes you to sing the “Happy Birthday” song two times. Then, leaving the water running, dry your hands with a paper towel and use the towel to turn off the faucet and open the door, before tossing it into the trash. ***The question is though, are you really going to sing “Happy Birthday” out loud in a bathroom at the risk of someone hearing you do so?  That could be more awkward than them knowing you didn’t wash your hands well.

When your mom used to nag you to “Sit up straight” turns out it was for your own good. A recent study finds that sitting or standing straight with the shoulders pushed back lengthens the spine and actually makes you able to handle pain better. Also taking a “dominate” posture by sitting or standing up straight tells your brain that you are in control of a situation, say researchers at the University of Southern California and Canada’s University of Toronto. That means poor posture hunching over and curling up in a submissive pose not only makes you look weaker, but it makes you feel weaker, too. The researchers believe good posture actually has a chemical effect on the body. Sitting up straight may boost the amount of the aggressive hormone testosterone produced by the body and reduce the quantity of the stress hormone cortisol, which reduces muscle growth and bone density.

Students, you may be able to predict your SAT performance just by looking at your hands. Teenagers whose ring finger is longer than their index finger are likely to score higher on the math section of the SAT, while those whose index finger is longer will do better on the reading and writing sections, according to researchers from the University of Bath in Great Britain. LiveScience.com reports that scientists have long known that finger length is a reflection of areas of the brain that are more highly developed. This is determined by the amount of the hormones testosterone and estrogen a fetus is exposed to in the womb. Testosterone is thought to promote spatial and mathematical skills and that makes the ring finger longer. Estrogen is the opposite. It promotes verbal ability and tends to lengthen the index finger in relation to the ring finger.  ***Although in my case it was the exact opposite of what they said here – so maybe take this all with a healthy dose of skepticism.

Regular attendance at religious services could have an added benefit: a longer life. That’s the word from Harvard researchers, who found that women who went to church at least twice a week were 33 percent less likely to die over the 20-year study period, compared with those who never attended, reports HealthDay News. Is this due to the power of religious belief? Probably not. Instead, it’s the benefits that come with being part of a community of faith and the communal practice of worship, says study leader Tyler VanderWeele, a professor of epidemiology at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health in Boston. The study found that women who attended worship at least once a week had a 27 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease and a 21 percent lower risk of dying from cancer, compared with those who never attended. Overall, the risk for dying dropped by 26 percent for those who attended worship weekly, while those who went less frequently saw their risk drop by 13 percent, compared with those who never attended. Meanwhile, women who attended church more than once a week had a 33 percent lower risk of death, compared with those who never attended.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A young man is going viral for all the right reasons after he shaded a woman from the sun for over an hour and forty-five minutes.  Louis Jordan was picking his mother up from work in downtown Houston, Texas when he saw an older woman named Michelle sitting in a wheelchair waiting for the bus.  While most people would have just kept walking, Louis got an umbrella from his car and spent almost two hours using it to protect Michelle from the sun.  “It was unbearably hot. I wouldn’t want to be out there in the sun,” Louis told KTRK.  As they stood there waiting for the bus, Michelle and Louis laughed and chatted until her bus finally arrived. Louis says that they now enjoy each other’s company so much, he grabs his umbrella every time he sees her sitting at the bus stop so they can have a conversation while she waits.  Louis’s mom, Bernette Botts, snapped the photo and posted it to social media where it has since been shared thousands of times.  “I am one proud mama,” Botts said.  (Original article at Good News Network.  Watch the VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNFsLD-BclA)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Authorities in Hejiang county, in China’s Sichuan province, have come up with a controversial method of convincing borrowers to pay up on their debts – showing their faces and names during the previews at local movie theaters right before the featured attraction. Called the “Reel of Shame”, the clip features an animated character who tells the audience “Come look at these laolai” (lay-OH-lie) before showing the borrowers’ faces, names and other details on the big screen. The derogatory term “laolai” refers to borrowers who fail to pay their debts on time. A video of the Reel of Shame recently went viral on China’s microblogging platform Weibo. It showed the faces and names of 26 business executives who had defaulted on their loans despite local court orders demanding they pay up. Public shaming has also been used by a public utilities company in Russia, which recently installed a heavy Pyramid of Debt in front of the houses of its biggest debtors. (Oddity Central)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Once, I was lost in the wilderness, and I was forced to eat a dog to survive! Later I realized I was just in the back yard, but boy, was my mom mad! –C. Rostan

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 18, 2018…

Untitled Deadpool Sequel (a.k.a. “Deadpool 2”) —Ryan Reynolds has made this super-hero his own, including foul language and a bad sense of humor. Here comes the second installment, as of this time, without an actual title. In this film, Deadpool has a girlfriend (Morena Baccarin from television’s “Gotham”.) Here comes the villain, Cable (Josh Brolin) and Deadpool wants to do battle but needs help. The theme is a villain from the future hunting a talented teen from today. Deadpool gathers a crew to help from among the mutants.  Good luck, there. “Untitled Deadpool Sequel” is rated R and rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

Show Dogs—Another film about the arena, you say?  This one has a different idea, it’s about a police dog who goes “undercover” to catch crooks at a national dog show. Will the police dog stay on duty or be captivated by that cute little poodle who just strolled by. We shall see.  The cast includes Stanley Tucci, RuPaul, Will Arnett and Natasha Lyonne. “Show Dogs” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

Pope Francis: A Man Of His Word—This documentary by the noted director Wim Wenders takes us into the life of Pope Francis, shows us how he interprets his role as the Pope and how people react to him. “Pope Francis: A Man Of His Word” is rated PG. Rating of 3.

Book Club—This book club doesn’t read the best sellers as such, they got interested in “Fifty Shades of Grey” and it certainly opened their eyes.  The book club—Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen, Jane Fonda and Mary Steenburgen—suddenly find reading to be quite—interesting?  Then, come the guys—Andy Garcia, Richard Dreyfuss, Don Johnson and Craig T. Nelson—and away we go. “Book Club” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

MAY 25, 2018…

Solo and here comes another record breaker at the box office. Aidan Ehrenreich takes on the role of a young Han Solo in the “Star Wars” franchise.Harrison Ford will not be forgotten.

Mary Shelley is the story of the young girl who wrote “Frankenstein” almost 200 years ago.

Future World stars James Franco in a sci-fi film about a new world

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.