May 26, 2015: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150526

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Don’t let it throw you. It’s me. But today I’m wearing dark glasses and a mustache — just to see if people who tune in late will recognize me.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. –Job 19:25

 

You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. — Psalm 139:13-14

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. — Philippians 1:4-5

 

Thought: Paul prayed with joy because the Philippians were partners with him, not just supporters. Through their financial help, prayers, and interest in his work, they truly shared in his ministry. They were partners! Let’s get interested in our congregations’ missions. Let’s pray and contribute to missions and get to know our missionaries. Let’s get to know our missionary partners all over the world!

 

Prayer: Father in heaven, I pray that your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Please bless and empower the spread of your Kingdom. Protect and strengthen those with whom our church is partnered wherever they may be. Bless them with greater resources, maturity, and character. Help me to recognize and to do the things that I can do to support and encourage them. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Luke 5:26 NIV = Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, “We have seen remarkable things today.”

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MAY 26, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 214 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is GO BAREFOOT AROUND THE HOUSE DAY.  ***MARLAR: I used to walk around barefoot here at the station as well, but I keep getting (OTHER JOCK’S) Hot Pocket crumbs between my toes.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

World Lindy Hop Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27

National Senior Healthy and Fitness Day

World MS (Multiple Sclerosis) Day

Cellophane Tape Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 28

Sierra Club Day

Slugs Return From Capistrano Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 29

Bats Day

Hug Your Cat Day

Learn About Composting Day

International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers ***No wonder the UN can’t keep peace in the world, they’re only working one day out of the year!

Put a Pillow On Your Fridge Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 30

Loomis Day

Mint Julep Day

The Wicket World of Croquet Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 31

What You Think Upon Grows Day

World No-Tobacco Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 01

Global Day of Parents

Heimlich Maneuver Day

National Go Barefoot Day

National Leave The Office Early Day

National Thank God It’s Monday Day

Oscar The Grouch Day

Say Something Nice Day

Stand For Children Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 02

National Bubba Day

Yell “Fudge” at The Cobras in North America Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1923: The first Le Mans 24-hour was won in France by two French drivers at an average speed of 57.2 mph covering 1,373 miles in the 24 hours.

 

1954: Liberace played for three hours in a one-man show at New York’s Madison Square Garden. The audience was made up of 3,000 men and 13,000 women.

 

1959: The word “Frisbee” became a registered trademark of the Wham-O company. The name had come from New Haven, Connecticut’s, Frisbie Pie Company, whose drivers played catch with tin plates. Yale students reportedly yelled, “Frisbie!” to warn the catchers the tin was sailing in their direction. Historians can’t agree on whether the original tossed tins held pies or Frisbie sugar cookies.

 

1978: The first legal casino in the Eastern U.S. opened in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

 

1982: Having a great year, the first-place Atlanta Braves decided to make room for more fans by kicking team mascot Chief Noc-A-Homa out of his teepee and building more seats. The Braves lost 19 of their next 21 games and decided to bring Chief Noc-A-Homa back. They got hot again and won their division.

 

1984: Mary Bradham Tucker died at age 81 in Edenton, North Carolina. She was the first “Pepsi Girl.” Her pharmacist father, Caleb Bradham, invented Pepsi-Cola.

 

1986: Newsweek magazine reported that a single, 40-year-old, college-educated woman was more likely to be killed by terrorists than to get married.

 

1990: Actor Robert Wagner and actress Jill St. John were married.

 

1993: Cleveland’s Carlos Martinez hit a long fly ball that bounced off Texas Ranger right fielder José Canseco’s head for a home run.

 

1994: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley were married in a secret ceremony in the Dominican Republic. She filed for divorce in January 1996.

 

1995: The School of Visual Arts in Manhattan closed its Yugo art exhibit at New York’s Grand Central Terminal. Students had transformed 29 dead or dying Yugo automobiles into objects of art.

 

1999: A 37-year-old Australian truck driver won a $250-thousand lottery while he was demonstrating for TV news cameras how he had scratched off a winning car-lottery ticket two weeks earlier. A year earlier Bill Morgan, after being pronounced clinically dead, had recovered from a 12-day coma, and then married the girl of his dreams.

 

2002: Roman Polanski’s film “The Pianist” won the Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival.

 

2004: Fantasia Barrino was named the latest “American Idol” in the Fox network’s talent contest.

 

2004: Terry Nichols was convicted in 161 cases of murder for helping carry out the Oklahoma City bombing. He received 161 consecutive life sentences.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1232: Pope Gregory IX sends the first Inquisition team to Aragon, Spain.

 

1521: The Edict of Worms formally condemns Martin Luther’s teachings , and he is put under the ban of the Holy Roman Emperor. Those who fear for his life then kidnap Luther and hide him in Fredericks Wartbury castle.

 

1647: Massachusetts enacts a law forbidding any Jesuit or Roman Catholic priest from entering Puritan jurisdictions. Second-time offenders could face execution.

 

1664: Increase Mather becomes minister of Boston’s Second Church, a position he held until his death 59 years later. He became one of the leading clergymen in the colonies

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Planet of the Apes, Big Fish) Helena Bonham Carter, 49
  • Actress (“General Hospital,” “All My Children,” “Days of Our Lives”) Genie Francis 53 (audio clip)
  • comedian Bobcat Goldthwait 53
  • actress (Unfaithful, First Daughter, “Gossip Girl”) Margaret Colin 58 (audio clip)
  • Astronaut (first American woman in space) Dr. Sally Kristen Ride, 64
  • Actor (TV’s “Miami Vice”) Philip Michael Thomas 66 (audio clip)
  • actress (Jackie Brown) Pam Grier, 66

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1886 : Al Jolson

1904 : George Formby

1909 : “Papa Charlie” McCoy

1916 : Moondog

1920 : Peggy Lee

1926 : Miles Davis

1940 : Ray Ennis (Swinging Blue Jeans)

1940 : Levon Helm (The Band)

1941 : Art Sharp (Nashville Teens)

1944 : Verden Allen (Mott The Hoople)

1945 : Garry Peterson (The Guess Who)

1946 : Mick Ronson, (David Bowie‘s guitarist)

1948 : Stevie Nicks (Fleetwood Mac) born Stephanie Lynn Nicks

1949 : Hank Williams, Jr.

1949 : Vicki Lawrence

1967 : Kristen Pfaff (Hole)

1969 : Lenny Kravitz

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Was there really a King Arthur–and how about that round table?

There’s so much debunking and myth-mashing these days that I’m pleased to tell you that this story may at least have had some roots in the exploits of a real person, although nothing like the one in the legend. Ancient documents refer to an Arthur in the middle of the first millennium who fought to keep the Anglo-Saxons from conquering Britain. He appears to have been not a king but rather a brave mercenary and fierce warrior. He is certainly far from the romantic ruler who began in Celtic legend and was then embellished through epic poems and ballads as the centuries passed. The round table, by the way, an early part of the myth, was a clever way of letting the knights feel that each was equally important: none sat near the head of the table.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Natalie Grant introduced what may be the next big thing in Christian music over the weekend. Her three daughters were on stage together singing their hearts out. Natalie shared the short video and added: I can retire now. Proud momma.

 

The Sidewalk Prophets were celebrating a full circle over the weekend. A few years ago the members of the band met two young children on a trip to the Congo with the relief organization Mocha Club. At a concert this past weekend they were able to dance with those same two children during a concert right here in America. Both were adopted by a loving family through the Mocha Club.

 

Over the past several years, former Newsboys bass player Phil Joel has been developing a new worship band named Zealand. Now Joel says the band is nearly ready to release their first CD. Phil says Zealand has been operating off the grid for several years but they now feel it’s time to release a worship CD titled Zealand Worship. Find out more about the band and check out the first few songs from the project…

http://www.zealandworship.com/

 

Jonny Diaz says a lot has changed over the past three years. In 2012 he posted: I’ve been on the road so much lately, my memory foam mattress has no clue who I am. In response, Jonny recently issued the follow post: Blessed with jobs that give me the flexibility to now spend time home with my baby girl!

 

Citizenway’s David Blascoe was struggling this week with the noise in their community. He tweeted: I’d like a holiday where you throw hot sauce filled balloons at parents who let kids scream as loud as they can while they play outside…

 

Meredith Andrews celebrated her seventh anniversary with an honest look at her marriage. The Christian worship leader shared on facebook: Our seventh year has been our hardest. Yet the Lord, who is a covenant God, reached down deep and started carving and shaping and shifting us from the inside, giving us eyes to see what we had been blind to for quite a while. It has been a season of refining, deepening, making, unifying. We are learning how to see one another through the lens of grace, lavish and pure and tireless. Jacob Sooter, when I say I love you today, we both know it carries even more weight than when we first started out.

 

 

(THE BELOW ARE THE SAME AS YESTERDAY DUE TO THE U.S. MEMORIAL DAY HOLIDAY)

 

Jenny Simmons sent her husband Ryan to Target to get just a few things for the back porch. However his trip didn’t turn out to be a jaunt to the promised land. Jenny shared a picture of Ryan’s 10th tweet from the store. The picture showed a very tired, very stressed looking individual with the caption: I’ve lost the will to live.

 

A little insight into the mind Tenth Avenue North guitarist Jeff Owen. He tweeted: I enjoy logic because it makes sense.

 

Jonny Diaz has a unique way of identifying letters when asked to spell something over the phone. He tweeted that he likes to use silent letters. P as in pneumonia, O as in opossum, and so on.

 

Blanca tried on for King and Country’s keytar for size and says she felt like the coolest person ever. However Blanca admits she still has no idea how to play the thing. Blanca says she wanted to join their band but they said no.

 

Kutless member James Mead shared a quote he attributed to Abraham Lincoln: “Never give up on your dreams…go back to sleep.”

 

Jimmy Needham says he and his wife have completed another step their adoption process. Jimmy shared: Paperwork is done. Everything is notarized. Now we wait for our referral for our India adoption. Could be any day now!

 

Big Daddy Weave drummer Jeff Jones is having troubles dealing with the fact that his daughter is growing up. He tweeted: Touring middle schools again today with my daughter. Can’t believe this is happening.

 

In his spare time Newsboys member Jody Davis builds custom guitars. In fact, he shared on YouTube last week that he is currently working on a custom guitar for Plumb guitarist Jeremy Giffard. The guitar design company Zane guitars has also taken Jody’s designs and are now producing an line of artist guitars under the Jody Davis guitars name.

 

Kerrie Roberts says waking up can be adventure. She tweeted: some days I wake up running like a freight train. Some days, (usually the next day) I wake up feeling like I was hit by a freight train.

 

Jamie Grace is giving you and your band the chance to open for their Big Summer Tour 2015. Jamie says she and her sister were blessed to have churches and church leaders support us and let us play for services because they saw our hearts. She says it was not because they thought we were gonna be “famous” or well known but simply because they believed in us. Jamie says that’s something we want to give back. To audition to open for Jamie and Morgan visit goodeyemangement.com.

 

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Woman uses obituary to say Brady innocent in ‘Deflategate’    photo
BOSTON (AP) — A Massachusetts woman has used her own obituary to convey a final message on Tom Brady and the “Deflategate” scandal. HASH(0x144db40) Brady was suspended for four games and the New England Patriots were fined $1 million and docked a pair of draft picks after league investigator…

 

A head scratcher: 9 brains found next to train tracks
GOUVERNEUR, N.Y. (AP) — Nine brains were found along a street in a northern New York village, but authorities say there’s nothing to fear. The brains are believed to have been part of a collection for educational or research purposes. No criminal activity is suspected. Residents discovered…
Man sentenced for stabbing of bar doorman over bad drink
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — A 36-year-old man has been sentenced to more than 28 years in prison for a 2013 assault that prosecutors say stemmed from his anger over a botched drink. HASH(0x144dd00) Prosecutors say Felix was angry about a bad drink and poor service when he returned to the club…
Colorado city going dark this weekend to help stargazers
TELLURIDE, Colo. (AP) — Telluride residents were asked to turn out the lights on Saturday night and early Sunday to help stargazers see the night sky free of light pollution. “For all of humanity’s history up until the last two generations, humans have always looked up and seen the night…
Fido al fresco? NY weighs allowing outdoor dining with dogs    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Never mind the doggie bag: Spot wants a seat at the outdoor table, or rather under it. New York is considering whether to join a growing number of states that give pet dogs legal entree, if not actual entrees, at open-air eateries. Dog lovers and restaurateurs say the proposal…
Naked man rescued after getting stuck on Florida drawbridge    photo
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) — Firefighters in Florida have rescued a naked man trapped on a raised drawbridge. The South Florida Sun Sentinel quoted witnesses as saying the unidentified man was walking across the Florida East Coast Railway railroad bridge in Fort Lauderdale on Friday morning…
Oregon community takes unusual approach to sea lion problem
BELLINGHAM, Wash. (AP) — An Oregon community is bringing in some unusual help to try to fix their sea lion problem. They’re hoping a fake killer whale from Bellingham, Washington, will do the trick. HASH(0x141bfc0) Hundreds of sea lions have taken over the docks in Astoria, preventing boat…
Polish brown bear crosses borders, highway, seeking mate
WARSAW, Poland (AP) — A Polish brown bear went a wooing, little knowing that scientists were following all the way. Starting from the Tatra Mountains, the bear crossed borders and a highway as it covered some 380 kilometers (235 miles). Nuria Selva, a researcher with the Polish Academy of…
Campaign worker sends fake news release saying foe left race
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — A campaign worker for a New Hampshire House hopeful has been charged with a felony for sending out a fake news release saying the opponent had dropped out of the race. Attorney General Joseph Foster says 28-year-old Carl Gibson of Concord was charged Friday with felony…
Giant hole forms at entrance of Missouri golf course    photo
BRANSON, Mo. (AP) — A big sinkhole discovered Friday near the driving range of a southwest Missouri golf course is attracting the attention of geological experts. The hole, which is 80 feet wide and 35 feet deep in some places, was created by two separate sinkholes that formed near the…
Suit: Competitor’s smiley face cookies ‘confusingly similar’    photo
PITTSBURGH (AP) — The cookies may be smiling, but the restaurants are not. A Pennsylvania chain says in a lawsuit that the smiley face cookies made by a Chicago-based baker are “confusingly similar” to its own trademarked treats. Homestead-based Eat’n Park seeks to block additional cookie…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Peeking into healthy brains to see if Alzheimer’s is brewing    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sticky plaque gets the most attention, but now healthy seniors at risk of Alzheimer’s are letting scientists peek into their brains to see if another culprit is lurking. No one knows what actually causes Alzheimer’s, but the suspects are its two hallmarks — the gunky…

 

‘Ugly’ potential fallout from Supreme Court health care case    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A Supreme Court ruling due in a few weeks could wipe out health insurance for millions of people covered by President Barack Obama’s health care law. But it’s Republicans — not White House officials — who have been talking about damage control. A likely reason:…
German woman, 65, gives birth to quadruplets
BERLIN (AP) — A 65-year-old teacher from Berlin has given birth to quadruplets after a pregnancy that was widely criticized by medical professionals because of her age, RTL television said Saturday. Annegret Raunigk, gave birth to a girl — Neeta — and three boys — Dries,…
Skimpy insurance seen by Democrats as next health care issue    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A different health care issue has emerged for Democrats, in sync with the party’s pitch to workers and middle-class voters ahead of next year’s elections. It’s not the uninsured, but rather the problem of high out-of-pocket costs for people already covered. Democrats call it…
Countries approve plan for $100M health emergency fund
BERLIN (AP) — Diplomats have approved the creation of a $100 million fund to help the World Health Organization respond rapidly to emergencies. The Geneva-based U.N. agency has come under criticism for reacting too slowly to crises in recent years, including the Ebola outbreak in West Africa….
Study: Severe vision loss is most common in the South
NEW YORK (AP) — Health officials say bad eyesight in the U.S. is most common in the South. A new report found the South was home to three-quarters of the U.S. counties with the highest prevalence of severe vision loss. The South also has higher rates of poverty, diabetes and chronic disease….
Senate tweaks veterans health law to boost specialized care
WASHINGTON (AP) — Veterans would get specialized medical care from private doctors more easily under a bill the Senate approved Friday. The measure relaxes a rule that makes getting specialized care from local doctors difficult for some veterans, especially those in rural areas. Senators…
Guinea families transport bodies in public taxis    photo
CONAKRY, Guinea (AP) — Relatives of Ebola victims are transporting their bodies on public transportation in Guinea, seating the corpses upright between other passengers to skirt health controls and contributing to the spread of the deadly disease here, authorities said. The Ebola epidemic…
Not even helmets help pro bull riders stave off concussions    photo
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. (AP) — Kasey Hayes hopped on the bovine beast trapped in the narrow holding pen like he’d done hundreds of times. He adjusted a tight rope on his left hand, found his balance and signaled he was ready to dominate the bull for the next eight seconds — or, at least,…
Tobacco firms get partial win over claims on smoking effects
WASHINGTON (AP) — America’s largest tobacco companies must inform consumers that cigarettes were designed to increase addiction, but not that they lied to the public about the dangers of smoking, a federal appeals court ruled on Friday. The ruling from the U.S. Court of Appeals for the…
Listeria: FDA finds problems at Ohio ice cream plant    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A government investigation of Ohio-based Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams found inadequate testing and cleaning in its Columbus plant that had become contaminated with listeria. The company recalled all its products last month after listeria was discovered in some pints of Jeni’s…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police stopped a minivan carrying four caged puppies on its roof after dozens of calls poured in to 911 centers in northeast Ohio. Akron police say the driver didn’t realize he did anything wrong by leaving the mixed-breed puppies on the roof. He said he was transporting them for his father, who couldn’t keep them. He was taking the 3-month-old puppies to his wife’s family in Pennsylvania, about 300 miles away. The puppies appeared shaken, but were fine otherwise.  ***You’d think Mitt Romney would’ve learned his lesson the first time.

 

There is now a new way to keep from spreading germs. Inventor Joseph Apisa of New Jersey has just patented a sneeze catcher. The devise goes on your arm like a sleeve or an arm band and includes a mesh opening with an antibacterial pad that captures and destroys the bacteria you exhale during the sneeze. ***It’s perfect people who want to protect those around them and also have no concept whatsoever about fashion sense.

http://ti.me/1G7LTyd

 

Baby spiders appear to be raining down from the sky in Australia. According to Time, “Millions” of baby spiders have been pouring down in the Southern Tablelands region of Australia, blanketing the area in webs. Researchers say the area may be seeing a mass migration of baby spiders.  ***So long as they’re not migrating to America, I’m fine with this.

http://ti.me/1HcEzhx

 

Mark Behrends of Nebraska celebrated a rare milestone last week — he turned 110. As for that inevitable question about the secret to his longevity, Behrends has a pretty good answer: beer. He always tells everybody the reason he has lived so long is that he drinks one can of beer every day at 3PM.  *** Ah – but WHICH beer?  I just cannot seriously consider Rolling Rock extending the life of anything.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

An Israeli inventor has created a cardboard bicycle.  ***MARLAR: It’s perfect for riders who weight less than three pounds and never coast through puddles.

 

Smokers miss an average of two or three more days of work each year than non-smokers, according to a new analysis of 29 past studies. Based on that finding, absenteeism due to smoking costs employers billions each year.  ***MARLAR: But when they are at work, they tend to take more breaks in order to get a smoke, so it all works out… oh… wait a minute…

 

A study by research company Uinvue says the average family will spend 91 hours a year fighting and arguing. Fights flare up as much as three times a day, usually lasting for around five minutes. The most common arguments are over household chores, children “treating the house like a hotel”, and couples taking each other for granted. 3,000 families took part in the research and it was interesting to note that the mother seems to still play the most pivotal role within the family when it comes to resolving conflicts, however the results do show that dads are getting far more involved. Daughters were most likely to slam doors during an argument, while fathers preferred to go for a long drive to cool off. One in ten of the families surveyed said they were not on speaking terms.  ***MARLAR: And would only answer survey questions through gritted teeth.

 

There’s a new kind of DWI, driving while intoxicated… by your cell phone. People talking on their cells are almost completely oblivious to what goes on around them, according to a new study from Western Washington University. Researchers used a clown riding a unicycle past participants to test the awareness of nearly 350 pedestrians. When asked if they saw the clown, 71% of those walking with a friend remembered the clown, as did 61% of those listening to music. But shockingly, only 25% of the cell phone users remembered seeing a clown on a unicycle. “If people experience so much difficulty performing the task of walking when on a cellphone, just think of what this means when put into the context of driving safety,” says psychology professor Ira Hyman.  ***MARLAR: I’m not sure this is a fair analysis.  Couldn’t it be that we just see clowns on the road so often that we’re just desensitized to them?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “911 Emergency” (Same as yesterday due to the U.S. Memorial Day holiday)

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Steve Geyer, “McDonald’s Drive-Thru” (Same as yesterday due to the U.S. Memorial Day holiday)

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE (Same as yesterday due to the U.S. Memorial Day holiday)
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey had tried everything to be better than Steve Mozart. Unfortunately, that landed him in the hospital… with Steve Mozart. And now everyone is more concerned about Steve getting well in time for his concert than with their friend Millard the Monkey.

 

CLOSE: How much can one monkey take? To be honest, I’m getting a little annoyed that Millard’s friends aren’t paying him much attention at all. Sure, Steve Mozart is a great guy and all, and Millard has taken his competition against Mozart a bit too far, but they’re all still friends, right? Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 30/31, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals had really busy schedules – so busy in fact that not only did they not have time to get everything done, but they didn’t have time even to plan what they had to do! They didn’t even have time for campfire meetings – and now, no time to even talk to each other!

 

CLOSE: It’s no wonder they’re so exhausted – they’ve been working so hard and so long without sleep! But now how will they get everything done on their schedules? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

An Arizona high school student has been caught with a banned substance two days in a row.  That banned substance?  A bottle of ketchup. 

Basha High School’s principal says the school called the parents of several others found with other ketchup bottles. Seems the smuggling began after the school cafeteria limited students to three packets of ketchup per hamburger and started charging 25 cents each for extras. You apparently can bring your own packets from home but bottled ketchup has been banned because the school says it would be a health code violation.  Strange – as it doesn’t seem to be a health violation for 98% of the restaurants in America.  But to be fair– the kids may have brought this on themselves. The policy was really adopted because administrators were fed up with students stomping on ketchup packets and squirting it all over sidewalks and hallways.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CHANGES THAT WOULD TAKE PLACE IF THE PRESIDENT WERE A DOG

 

  1. Doggy door on oval office

 

  1. At press conferences, instead of “Mr. President,” reporters would shout, “Here fella!”

 

  1. Good-bye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

 

  1. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

 

  1. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy

 

  1. Public Enemy # 1 — Bob Barker

 

  1. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

 

  1. Country really run by dog’s smarter poodle wife

 

  1. Here’s your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking Christmas jingle)

 

  1. One word: sausage-gate

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

In today’s post-9/11 world, you don’t mess with airplanes… period.

 

FILE #1: Today’s files of Law & Disorder take us to Lakewood, California, where a 25-year-old guy said he just wanted the pilots to say hello by flashing the lights on their airplanes or dipping their wings. So to get their attention, he shined his $208 green-light laser at several commercial airplanes flying over head. Acting on a tip from a neighbor, sheriff’s deputies arrested the inDUHvidual and say the guy’s actions were criminal, even though he apparently didn’t intend to cause harm. He’s now been booked on nine counts of — get this — first-degree unlawful discharge of a laser, which (if you didn’t know) is a felony. If convicted, he could face up to five years in prison.

 

FILE #2: When Montana’s Oliver Pearson contemplates his next career move, one option will not likely be that of getaway car driver. As deputies were about to arrest a man on a probation violation, Pearson’s vehicle raced out of the driveway, nearly knocking down the deputies, and then struck a patrol car and the chase was on. However, it turned out to be one of their easier pursuits as Pearson never exceeded 70 mph and signaled all of his turns. Pearson was arrested for probation violation, assaulting a police officer, eluding and having no insurance or driver’s license.

 

FILE #3: An unnamed 47-year-old man from Itzehoe, Germany, faced a parking fine of $98 or 10 days in prison. Police said they were stunned when he called and asked them to come take him to jail so he could get away from his constantly nagging wife. He told them he was looking forward to the peace and quiet.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Gary, Indiana it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Don’t you just hate it when you move into a new apartment and realize you forgot some of your stuff at the old place?

That’s what happened to Samuel Wood and Justin Bright, of Twin Falls, Idaho. Unfortunately for them, the item they left behind was 21 pounds of marijuana. The guys will be moving again, this time to jail.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

The economy is affecting everybody. Some people are getting creative in how they save money too. In Warren County Tennessee, one farmer and his sons hitched a tractor rake to a pair of mules to gather hay from their fields – to save on gas! How has the economy encouraged you to change YOUR life in some way?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who were Moses’ parents?

ANSWER: Amram and Jochebed (Exodus 6:20)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to MakeSafetyFun.com, a typical American driver will do this 15,250 times in their life. What?

ANSWER: Honk the horn.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. In “High School Musical 2,” we learn that Ryan Evans is a champ at soccer. (False, Ryan’s an ace baseball player – and a former Little League championship team member)

 

  1. The name WALL-E stands for, “standing computer” in compu-speak. (False, the character’s name is actually an acronym, standing for Waste Allocation Load Lifter – Earth-Class)

 

  1. In the movie, “The Little Mermaid,” King Triton wants Ariel to refrain from swimming to the surface because of the sunlight. (False, it was for fear of being seen by humans, whom he thinks are “barbarians”)

 

  1. In 1910, the rules of basketball were changed regarding when you were allowed to pass. (False, dribble)

 

  1. On TV, Kirstie Alley played Frasier Crane’s first wife. (False, it was Emma Thompson)

 

  1. Thomas Edison directed “The Squaw Man,” the first full-length feature film filmed in Hollywood. (False, it was Cecil B. DeMille)

 

  1. Bass comes in brook, brown, lake and rainbow varieties. (False, trout does)

 

  1. Walt Disney, the “man of 1000 voices” is buried under a gravestone that reads, “That’s All Folks”. (False, that’s Mel Blanc)

 

  1. The Tropic of Capricorn passes through all but one continent. (True, all but Asia)

 

  1. Walt Disney was an avid volleyball player as an adult. (False, he was an avid Polo player)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SUGAR WILL MAKE YOU ______ (STUPID)

Too much sugar will make you stupid, according to researchers.

The suggestion follows tests in the laboratory comparing high-fructose corn syrup, which is six times sweeter than cane sugar and a common ingredient in processed foods, with omega-3 fatty acids, known to aid memory and learning.

In an experiment on rats, one group had a sugary diet for six weeks and another was fed healthily.

At the start of the study, published in the Journal of Physiology, the  University of California team tested how well the rats navigated a maze – placing landmarks to help them learn the way.

Six weeks later, the researchers tested the rats’ ability to recall the route.

Study co-author Professor Fernando Gomez-Pinilla said the rats fed just a sugary diet were slower and their brains had declined.

He said: ‘Eating a high-fructose diet over the long term alters your brain’s ability to learn and remember information.

However, the good news is that eating nuts and fish such as salmon can counteract this disruption.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, “Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs.”

She said that if he didn’t start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. “Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!” he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.

“Hark!” he said, “What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?”

 

JOKE #2

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers: “Yes.”

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases.”

Pharmacist: “Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works.”

Jacob: “You have loose bladder and gas pills?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics.”

Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”

 

JOKE #3

Two carrots were going down the street, and one of ’em got run over by a car.  So, the first carrot took the other to the hospital and waited outside.  After a while the doctor came out and said: ‘Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you about your friend. The good news is, he’s gonna live. The bad news is, I’m afraid he’s gonna be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A British politician accused the Marks & Spencer department store of using trick dressing room mirrors that make women look slimmer. ***MARLAR: Upon the news being released, business at Marks & Spencer tripled.

 

Vicki Armstrong of Shreveport, Louisiana has been saving her pennies for almost 19 years and is planning to cash them in this week – all 55,000 of them, totally $550.  ***MARLAR: Which she’ll no doubt need for chiropractic bills after hauling a jug of 55,000 pennies to the bank.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

WAKE UP

Noticing a man has fallen asleep, the preacher called the deacon aside and ordered him to wake up the man.

Replied the deacon, “You put him to sleep. You wake him up.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Ladies, how would you react if your husband gave you a love letter – but then later you found out that it was an automated form letter?

China’s Chutian Daily reports that a new software program called “Magic Love Letters” has become a huge seller. Users just type in the sender’s and recipient’s names, and the software can generate more than 10,000 different love letters. It also has over 100 classic love letters, and users can just switch the names. One university professor said it’s not a bad thing because it can help some people express their inner feelings.  ***MARLAR: It expresses the feeling that you can’t be bothered to write your own love letters.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE RAGAMUFFIN GOSPEL

A story is told about Fiorello LaGuardia, who was mayor of New York City during the worst days of the Great Depression and all of World War II. He was a colorful character who used to ride the New York City fire trucks, take entire orphanages to baseball games and, whenever the New York newspapers were on strike, go on the radio and read the Sunday funnies to the kids.

One bitterly cold night in January of 1935, the mayor turned up at a night court that served the poorest ward of the city. LaGuardia dismissed the judge for the evening and took over the bench himself. Within a few minutes, a tattered old woman was brought before him, charged with stealing a loaf of bread. She told LaGuardia that her daughter’s husband had deserted her, her daughter was sick and her two grandchildren were starving. But the shopkeeper, from whom the bread was stolen, refused to drop the charges. “It’s a bad neighborhood, your Honor,” the man told the mayor. “She’s got to be punished to teach other people around here a lesson.”

LaGuardia sighed. He turned to the woman and said, “I’ve got to punish you. The law makes no exceptions – $10 or 10 days in jail.” But even as he pronounced sentence, the mayor was already reaching into his pocket. He extracted a bill and tossed it into his famous sombrero saying: “Here is the $10 fine which I now remit; and furthermore I am going to fine everyone in this courtroom 50 cents for living in a town where a person has to steal bread so that her grandchildren can eat. Mr. Bailiff, collect the fines and give them to the defendant.”

So the following day the New York City newspapers reported that $47.50 was turned over to a bewildered old lady who had stolen a loaf of bread to feed her starving grandchildren, 50 cents of that amount being contributed by the red-faced grocery store owner, while some 70 petty criminals, people with traffic violations and New York City policemen, each of whom had just paid 50 cents for the privilege of doing so, gave the mayor a standing ovation.

The grace of God operates at a profound level in the life of a loving person. Oh, that we would recognize God’s grace when it comes to us!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD IS ALIVE!

Read: Psalm 30

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever. —Psalm 30:12

The great 16th-century theologian Martin Luther once experienced a long period of worry and despondency. One day his wife dressed in black mourning clothes.

“Who has died?” asked Luther.

“God,” said his wife.

“God!” said Luther, horrified. “How can you say such a thing?”

She replied, “I’m only saying what you are living.”

Luther realized that he indeed was living as if God were no longer alive and watching over them in love. He changed his outlook from gloom to gratitude.

Occasionally we too live as if God were dead. When we are discouraged, we can turn to the Psalms. Some of the writers faced bleak and barren times, but they had one habit in common that kept them from being soured: giving thanks to God. For example, David wrote, “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing . . . . O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever” (Psalm 30:11-12).

Meeting every situation with thanksgiving isn’t a denial of trouble. It helps us see those situations from God’s perspective—as opportunities to discover His power and love.

Every time you express gratitude to God in a difficult situation, you’re declaring, “God is alive!” —Joanie Yoder

 

When things go wrong, I would not be a grumbler,
Complaining, seeing everything as grim;
For when I think of how the Lord has blessed me,
I cannot help but give my praise to Him. —Hess

 

Instead of complaining about the thorns on roses, be thankful for the roses among the thorns.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

HERE FISHY FISHY FISHY…

Did you hear the one about the fish caller? No, this isn’t a joke, but the story of Steven Hayes’ invention.

The York, Pennsylvania, electronic engineer has invented what he says is a fish caller. Hayes says research has shown that fish can hear. So, he and a partner have created and patented an electronic fish calling device. Hayes says it took about five years to go from brainstorm to patent. He says the fish caller works so well, he was surrounded by sharks while testing the device in Florida. But while the fish caller may attract fish, it hasn’t been a magnet for investors. ***MARLAR: So his fish caller is “floundering?”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Lexmark wants to help you print less and use less ink.

A printer manufacturer wants to help you print less junk. When you print an article off the Web, it sometimes includes several pages of logos, links, ads or other items. Lexmark’s latest toolbar gives users the ability to block those images from being printed, which saves paper and ink. It even strips the graphics off “printer-friendly” sites that still attach a logo. Most of the features work whether you have a Lexmark printer or one from another manufacturer. The toolbar is available for Internet Explorer and for Firefox. To get yours, search “toolbar” at www.lexmark.com.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

SCREWY

Salesman Jim Stimpson was driving on the freeway through Thornton, Colorado, to deliver a load of special drywall screws to a customer when the strap holding them down broke, spewing about 5,000 them across the freeway. At rush hour. But rather than duck and slink away as dozens of tires were flattened, Stimpson stopped and began to hand out his business card to drivers. There was a tire store nearby, so he gave the store his company credit card and ran a tab, getting the tires fixed and the drivers back on the road quickly.  ***MARLAR: It’s great to hear that someone in this country still values others, isn’t it?  I’m just waiting for the follow-up story on this one, where the owners of the other vehicles can look at the guy’s business card and say, “Hey, this is the guy we can sue.  And here’s his name and number right on the card…”

 

 

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A CHEAPSKATE WHEN

You line the inside of your purse with aluminum foil at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

You’ve ever eaten noodles and ketchup.

You unroll 2-ply toilet paper for the extra roll.

You re-use Q-tips.

You cross out names on Hallmark cards and send them to others.

You buy birthday presents at garage sales.

You still own a Yugo.

You’ve ever crashed a wedding reception.

You’ve ever used needle and thread to repair your underwear.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ANNUAL TAX SURVEY

According to a survey by H&R Block, 24% of 8 to 11 year olds know that the IRS collects taxes. But what are there opinions about the IRS and paying taxes? Here’s what the kids said:

71%… “I think the IRS is smart and helpful”

88%… “Taxing my allowance would be a bad thing”

50%… “I’d rather pay taxes on my allowance than give up TV”

48%… “I’d rather go to school year-round than pay allowance taxes”

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only)

A middle school girl is making sure every kid gets the awesome birthday party they deserve.   Mandi Simon, age 11, is the founder of Minnesota-based nonprofit “Simon Says Give”. The organization provides students in need with birthday celebrations and school supplies. Since the organization launched in 2011, it has thrown over 500 birthday parties for kids whose families are having difficulty making ends meet. Mandi told CBS Minnesota: “Well, I just kind of thought every kid at least deserves a couple hours or a day to celebrate themselves.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/18/mandi-simon-says-give-charity_n_7307848.html?utm_hp_ref=good-news

 

Google Plans to Eliminate Human Driving in 5 Years. According to an MSN report, Google’s self-driving car prototype has no steering wheel or pedals, so it’s up to the computer to do all the driving. It isn’t a huge technological step forward. The same software controls the Lexus and Toyota vehicles and has logged hundreds of thousands of autonomous miles. What’s important here is Google’s commitment to its all-or-nothing approach. It expects to have a finished product by 2020.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/google%E2%80%99s-plan-to-eliminate-human-driving-in-5-years/ar-BBjUYR2

 

People confined to a wheelchair normally can’t go on the beach. However, In India, a tile and home decor company is changing that. H&R Johnson launched The Red Ramp Project. The goal of the company is to make India’s beaches accessible to everyone. To do that, they built a ramp out of red tiles that leads straight into the water.  http://ow.ly/N8j01

 

A Voice of the Martyrs worker named Joe is just back from the Middle East and is telling some amazing stories of the stand Christians are taking in that area. As part of a 30 minute broadcast, Joe tells the story of one Christian who, when threatened at gun point at an ISIS check point, told the fighters “Even if you take my life here in front of my wife…I will not deny Christ.” Listen to the entire broadcast by clicking on the link at christianartistnews.info.

https://secure.persecution.com/radio/default.aspx?pdid=6181

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

And now, in an all-out effort to win friends and influence media watchdogs everywhere, (STATION) proudly concludes today’s (JOCK SHOW).

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 22, 2015…

 

Poltergeist— Produced by Sam Raimi. It is a remake of the classic horror film about haunting a family. The cast includes Sam Rockwell, Jared Harris, Rosemary DeWitt and Jane Adams. Brings the story up-to-date and the disappearance of a daughter brings terror to the family. I remember the first film and the television set. “Poltergeist” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Tomorrow land (title in Great Britain is “Disney Tomorrowland: A World Beyond“)—Theme Park written all over it…..this movie stars George Clooney as a guy who once went there, and Britt Robertson as the girl who hopes to find it. What? A unique place where inventors live. Travel is with a special brooch. Also in the cast are Hugh Laurie, Thomas Robinson, Tim McGraw and Judy Greer.   “Tomorrowland” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the genre and George Clooney.

 

Slow West (opening in select cities)—Kodi Smit-McPhee comes to America from The British Isles hoping to find his runaway girlfriend.  The Old West is not kind to him and a friendly stranger (the worst kind and played by Michael Fassbender) helps him out.   Just what agenda’s are going on here, anyway?  Cast includes Ben Mendelson and Caron Pistorius.  “Slow West” is rated R. No rating.

 

MAY 29, 2015…

 

Aloha is a romantic comedy with Bradley Cooper and Emma Stone, plus written by Cameron Crowe. About love in the military.

 

San Andreas 3 D is the weekend action film starring Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) as a helicopter rescue pilot trying to find his lost daughter.

 

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.