May 26, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: Due to a family emergency, show prep may be posted late and may be shorter than normal for the next couple of weeks.  Sorry for the inconvenience, but I will do my best to continue bringing you show prep as you normally expect.

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160526

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Don’t let it throw you.  It’s me.  But today I’m wearing dark glasses and a mustache — just to see if people who tune in late will recognize me.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.  –Job 19:25

 

You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. — Psalm 139:13-14

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. — Philippians 1:4-5

 

Thought: Paul prayed with joy because the Philippians were partners with him, not just supporters. Through their financial help, prayers, and interest in his work, they truly shared in his ministry. They were partners! Let’s get interested in our congregations’ missions. Let’s pray and contribute to missions and get to know our missionaries. Let’s get to know our missionary partners all over the world!

 

Prayer: Father in heaven, I pray that your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Please bless and empower the spread of your Kingdom. Protect and strengthen those with whom our church is partnered wherever they may be. Bless them with greater resources, maturity, and character. Help me to recognize and to do the things that I can do to support and encourage them. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Luke 5:26 NIV = Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, “We have seen remarkable things today.”

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MAY 26, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 212 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is GO BAREFOOT AROUND THE HOUSE DAY.  ***MARLAR: I used to walk around barefoot here at the station as well, but I keep getting (OTHER JOCK’S) Hot Pocket crumbs between my toes.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day

Red Nose Day
World Lindy Hop Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, MAY 27

Cellophane Tape Day

Don’t Fry Day

Heat Awareness Day

Hug Your Cat Day

National Title Track Day

National Wig Out Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 28

International Jazz Day

Julia Pierpont Day

Menstrual Hygiene Day ***Eww!

National Hamburger Day

National Polka Day

Sierra Club Day

Slugs Return From Capistrano Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 29

Indianapolis 500

Learn About Composting Day

Put a Pillow On Your Fridge Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 30

Loomis Day

Memorial Day

Mint Julep Day

Prayer for Peace Memorial Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 31

What You Think Upon Grows Day

World No-Tobacco Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 01

Global Day of Parents

Heimlich Maneuver Day

National Go Barefoot Day

National Olive Day

Global Running Day

National Tailors Day

Oscar the Grouch Day

Say Something Nice Day

Stand For Children Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 02

Leave The Office Early Day

National Bubba Day

National Rotisserie Chicken Day

Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1923: The first Le Mans 24-hour was won in France by two French drivers at an average speed of 57.2 mph covering 1,373 miles in the 24 hours.

 

1954: Liberace played for three hours in a one-man show at New York’s Madison Square Garden. The audience was made up of 3,000 men and 13,000 women.

 

1959: The word “Frisbee” became a registered trademark of the Wham-O company. The name had come from New Haven, Connecticut’s, Frisbie Pie Company, whose drivers played catch with tin plates. Yale students reportedly  yelled, “Frisbie!” to warn the catchers the tin was sailing in their direction. Historians can’t agree on whether the original tossed tins held pies or Frisbie sugar cookies.

 

1978: The first legal casino in the Eastern U.S. opened in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

 

1982: Having a great year, the first-place Atlanta Braves decided to make room for more fans by kicking team mascot Chief Noc-A-Homa out of his teepee and building more seats. The Braves lost 19 of their next 21 games and decided to bring Chief Noc-A-Homa back. They got hot again and won their division.

 

1984: Mary Bradham Tucker died at age 81 in Edenton, North Carolina. She was the first “Pepsi Girl.” Her pharmacist father, Caleb Bradham, invented Pepsi-Cola.

 

1986: Newsweek magazine reported that a single, 40-year-old, college-educated woman was more likely to be killed by terrorists than to get married.

 

1990: Actor Robert Wagner and actress Jill St. John were married.

 

1993: Cleveland’s Carlos Martinez hit a long fly ball that bounced off Texas Ranger right fielder José Canseco’s head for a home run.

 

1994: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley were married in a secret ceremony in the Dominican Republic. She filed for divorce in January 1996.

 

1995: The School of Visual Arts in Manhattan closed its Yugo art exhibit at New York’s Grand Central Terminal. Students had transformed 29 dead or dying Yugo automobiles into objects of art.

 

1999: A 37-year-old Australian truck driver won a $250-thousand lottery while he was demonstrating for TV news cameras how he had scratched off a winning car-lottery ticket two weeks earlier. A year earlier Bill Morgan, after being pronounced clinically dead, had recovered from a 12-day coma, and then married the girl of his dreams.

 

2002: Roman Polanski’s film “The Pianist” won the Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival.

 

2004: Fantasia Barrino was named the latest “American Idol” in the Fox network’s talent contest.

 

2004: Terry Nichols was convicted in 161 cases of murder for helping carry out the Oklahoma City bombing. He received 161 consecutive life sentences.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1232: Pope Gregory IX sends the first Inquisition team to Aragon, Spain.

 

1521: The Edict of Worms formally condemns Martin Luther’s teachings , and he is put under the ban of the Holy Roman Emperor. Those who fear for his life then kidnap Luther and hide him in Fredericks Wartbury castle.

 

1647: Massachusetts enacts a law forbidding any Jesuit or Roman Catholic priest from entering Puritan jurisdictions. Second-time offenders could face execution.

 

1664: Increase Mather becomes minister of Boston’s Second Church, a position he held until his death 59 years later. He became one of the leading clergymen in the colonies

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Planet of the Apes, Big Fish) Helena Bonham Carter, 50
  • Actress (“General Hospital,” “All My Children,” “Days of Our Lives”) Genie Francis 54 (audio clip)
  • comedian Bobcat Goldthwait 54
  • actress (Unfaithful, First Daughter, “Gossip Girl”) Margaret Colin 59 (audio clip)
  • Astronaut (first American woman in space) Dr. Sally Kristen Ride, 65
  • Actor (TV’s “Miami Vice”) Philip Michael Thomas 67 (audio clip)
  • actress (Jackie Brown) Pam Grier, 67

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1886 : Al Jolson

1904 : George Formby

1909 : “Papa Charlie” McCoy

1916 : Moondog

1920 : Peggy Lee

1926 : Miles Davis

1940 : Ray Ennis (Swinging Blue Jeans)

1940 : Levon Helm (The Band)

1941 : Art Sharp (Nashville Teens)

1944 : Verden Allen (Mott The Hoople)

1945 : Garry Peterson (The Guess Who)

1946 : Mick Ronson, (David Bowie‘s guitarist)

1948 : Stevie Nicks (Fleetwood Mac) born Stephanie Lynn Nicks

1949 : Hank Williams, Jr.

1949 : Vicki Lawrence

1967 : Kristen Pfaff (Hole)

1969 : Lenny Kravitz

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Was there really a King Arthur–and how about that round table?

There’s so much debunking and myth-mashing these days that I’m pleased to tell you that this story may at least have had some roots in the exploits of a real person, although nothing like the one in the legend. Ancient documents refer to an Arthur in the middle of the first millennium who fought to keep the Anglo-Saxons from conquering Britain. He appears to have been not a king but rather a brave mercenary and fierce warrior. He is certainly far from the romantic ruler who began in Celtic legend and was then embellished through epic poems and ballads as the centuries passed. The round table, by the way, an early part of the myth, was a clever way of letting the knights feel that each was equally important: none sat near the head of the table.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

From Mercyme drummer Robby Shaffer: You know you’re at the airport early when you’re there before the donut man.

 

Tenth Avenue North guitarist Ruben Juarez posted this week: I got 99 problems but I’m pretty sure coconut oil could solve like 86 of them.

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo has a love/hate relationship with Nature. He posted a picture of his damaged porch railing and added: Dear Nature, I love you so much. Please stop eating my house. It’s where I keep all my stuff. Also it’s where my family lives.

 

A suggestion from Mercyme’s Bart Millard: I want to invent a slot that goes in every vehicle where you have to insert your phone to start the car. NO MORE TEXTING and driving.

 

Jeremy Camp was rained out over the weekend but he will be back. His performance at Six Flags in New York had to be canceled over the weekend due to the weather but Jeremy says the event has already been scheduled for the 4th of July weekend. He posted: Excited for July 2nd. Pray for sunny skies that day.

 

Switchfoot has released an acoustic version of their song Live It Well. The song is from the bands upcoming new album Where The Light Shines Through. https://youtu.be/RW2cayoYGdk

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A new study finds that tall men in good shape make more money.  ***And in other news of the REALLY OBVIOUS, the sun will once again rise in the EAST tomorrow morning.

 

A man in Pendleton, Oregon, is behind bars after allegedly walking naked into the home of a woman he didn’t know and saying “Hi, honey” while trying to hug her.  Authorities later rescued the man after he fell off a cliff and got caught upside-down in a tree… still unclothed.  ***Is this not the best “cute meet” ever?

 

Passengers on board an Air France flight found a baby hidden inside a woman’s carry-on bag on Monday. One passenger said he knew something was amiss when a woman’s carry-on bag started moving around by itself. Flight attendants opened the piece of luggage and found the baby.  The discovery was made mid-way through the Air France flight from Istanbul to Paris.  ***I can’t wait to see what their reaction is when they find the steamer drunk with grandma in it!

 

A man wearing a ski mask walked into a German bank and demanded money, then told tellers, “Just kidding!” Police still arrested him.  ***At the jail they said they were letting him go…  followed up by “just kidding!”

 

Scientists have designed a new device that allows monkeys to control a wheelchair with their mind.  ***Apparently the whole Planet of the Apes takeover is going to take a lot longer than expected.

 

A Catholic priest in Ireland has resigned after video surfaced of him snorting cocaine in a room decorated with Nazi memorabilia.  ***And… I got nuthin.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The sound a number makes can influence our decisions about it. In a recent study, one group was shown an ad for an ice-cream scoop that was priced at $7.66, while another was shown an ad for a $7.22 scoop. The lower price is the better deal, of course, but the higher price (with its silky s’s) makes a smaller sound than the lower price (with its rattling t’s).  And because small sounds usually name small things, shoppers who were offered the scoop at the higher but whispery price of $7.66 were more likely to buy it than those offered the noisier price of $7.22 – but only if they’d been asked to say the price aloud.  ***MARLAR: So from now on, I’m making my opinion available to you for the low, low price of just $6.66.  Go ahead… say it out loud.  Six-sixty-six…

 

More good new for chocolate lovers. We know dark chocolate may help our hearts. Now a study in the Archives of Internal Medicine cites another benefit: People who ate dark chocolate often had lower body mass indexes. Try and ounce of dark chocolate (70% cacao) daily.  ***MARLAR: Which is awesome with ice cream and a big glass of whole chocolate milk.

 

A new study reveals that fish living near wastewater treatment plants have been found to contain various medicines designed to treat cholesterol, allergies, high blood pressure, bipolar disorder, and depression.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like they might be the healthiest fish in the world.

 

Ever wonder why specific sounds bother you?  There is actually a name for it. It’s called misophonia—the “hatred of sound”—a condition that causes people to feel irritated, or even enraged or disgusted when they hear specific noises. Scientists don’t fully understand why specific noises frustrate misophonia sufferers, but early research suggests a hyper connectivity between the auditory system and the limbic system, a part of the brain that deals with emotions. According to Time Magazine, the top cringe worthy sounds, starting at number one, are: #1 – soup slurping.  #2 – gum chewing.  #3 – nose sniffing.  #4 – nail clipping.  #5 – knuckle cracking. ***And #6 – listening to my Daily Dose of Weird News.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “George Washington’s I.D.”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Darren Marlar, “Related Redheads”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time Weatherbee the Owl ruled that hitting yourself over the head with a coconut (or “clunking”) could not be banned.  But Millard the Monkey, who started the clunking trend, now has hiccups and can’t get rid of them no matter how hard he tries!

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and  (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 28/29

 

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita was sad because she learned that her solo singing career had caused disunity all throughout the jungle.  Nobody was cooperating.  Then she met up with Racquet the Skunk, and they heard something wonderful coming from the swamp…

 

CLOSE: If there was ever a good reason to cooperate, staying alive is certainly one of the best reasons!  Tune in for more of the story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

An Arizona high school student has been caught with a banned substance two days in a row.  That banned substance?  A bottle of ketchup. 

Basha High School’s principal says the school called the parents of several others found with other ketchup bottles. Seems the smuggling began after the school cafeteria limited students to three packets of ketchup per hamburger and started charging 25 cents each for extras. You apparently can bring your own packets from home but bottled ketchup has been banned because the school says it would be a health code violation.  Strange – as it doesn’t seem to be a health violation for 98% of the restaurants in America.  But to be fair– the kids may have brought this on themselves. The policy was really adopted because administrators were fed up with students stomping on ketchup packets and squirting it all over sidewalks and hallways.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CHANGES THAT WOULD TAKE PLACE IF THE PRESIDENT WERE A DOG

 

  1. Doggy door on oval office

 

  1. At press conferences, instead of “Mr. President,” reporters would shout, “Here fella!”

 

  1. Good-bye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

 

  1. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

 

  1. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy

 

  1. Public Enemy # 1 — Bob Barker

 

  1. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

 

  1. Country really run by dog’s smarter poodle wife

 

  1. Here’s your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking Christmas jingle)

 

  1. One word: sausage-gate

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

In today’s post-9/11 world, you don’t mess with airplanes… period.

 

FILE #1: Today’s files of Law & Disorder take us to Lakewood, California, where a 25-year-old guy said he just wanted the pilots to say hello by flashing the lights on their airplanes or dipping their wings. So to get their attention, he shined his $208 green-light laser at several commercial airplanes flying over head. Acting on a tip from a neighbor, sheriff’s deputies arrested the inDUHvidual and say the guy’s actions were criminal, even though he apparently didn’t intend to cause harm. He’s now been booked on nine counts of — get this — first-degree unlawful discharge of a laser, which (if you didn’t know) is a felony. If convicted, he could face up to five years in prison.

 

FILE #2: When Montana’s Oliver Pearson contemplates his next career move, one option will not likely be that of getaway car driver.  As deputies were about to arrest a man on a probation violation, Pearson’s vehicle raced out of the driveway, nearly knocking down the deputies, and then struck a patrol car and the chase was on. However, it turned out to be one of their easier pursuits as Pearson never exceeded 70 mph and signaled all of his turns. Pearson was arrested for probation violation, assaulting a police officer, eluding and having no insurance or driver’s license.

 

FILE #3: An unnamed 47-year-old man from Itzehoe, Germany, faced a parking fine of $98 or 10 days in prison. Police said they were stunned when he called and asked them to come take him to jail so he could get away from his constantly nagging wife. He told them he was looking forward to the peace and quiet.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Gary, Indiana it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Don’t you just hate it when you move into a new apartment and realize you forgot some of your stuff at the old place?

That’s what happened to Samuel Wood and Justin Bright, of Twin Falls, Idaho. Unfortunately for them, the item they left behind was 21 pounds of marijuana. The guys will be moving again, this time to jail.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

The economy is affecting everybody.  Some people are getting creative in how they save money too.  In Warren County Tennessee, one farmer and his sons hitched a tractor rake to a pair of mules to gather hay from their fields – to save on gas!  How has the economy encouraged you to change YOUR life in some way?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who were Moses’ parents?

ANSWER: Amram and Jochebed  (Exodus 6:20)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to MakeSafetyFun.com, a typical American driver will do this 15,250 times in their life.  What?

ANSWER: Honk the horn.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. In “High School Musical 2,” we learn that Ryan Evans is a champ at soccer. (False, Ryan’s an ace baseball player – and a former Little League championship team member)

 

  1. The name WALL-E stands for, “standing computer” in compu-speak. (False, the character’s name is actually an acronym, standing for Waste Allocation Load Lifter – Earth-Class)

 

  1. In the movie, “The Little Mermaid,” King Triton wants Ariel to refrain from swimming to the surface because of the sunlight. (False, it was for fear of being seen by humans, whom he thinks are “barbarians”)

 

  1. In 1910, the rules of basketball were changed regarding when you were allowed to pass. (False, dribble)

 

  1. On TV, Kirstie Alley played Frasier Crane’s first wife. (False, it was Emma Thompson)

 

  1. Thomas Edison directed “The Squaw Man,” the first full-length feature film filmed in Hollywood. (False, it was Cecil B. DeMille)

 

  1. Bass comes in brook, brown, lake and rainbow varieties. (False, trout does)

 

  1. Walt Disney, the “man of 1000 voices” is buried under a gravestone that reads, “That’s All Folks”. (False, that’s Mel Blanc)

 

  1. The Tropic of Capricorn passes through all but one continent. (True, all but Asia)

 

  1. Walt Disney was an avid volleyball player as an adult. (False, he was an avid Polo player)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SUGAR WILL MAKE YOU ______ (STUPID)

Too much sugar will make you stupid, according to researchers.

The suggestion follows tests in the laboratory comparing high-fructose corn syrup, which is six times sweeter than cane sugar and a common ingredient in processed foods, with omega-3 fatty acids, known to aid memory and learning.

In an experiment on rats, one group had a sugary diet for six weeks and another was fed healthily.

At the start of the study, published in the Journal of Physiology, the  University of California team tested how well the rats navigated a maze – placing landmarks to help them learn the way.

Six weeks later, the researchers tested the rats’ ability to recall the route.

Study co-author Professor Fernando Gomez-Pinilla said the rats fed just a sugary diet were slower and their brains had declined.

He said: ‘Eating a high-fructose diet over the long term alters your brain’s ability to learn and remember information.

However, the good news is that eating nuts and fish such as salmon can counteract this disruption.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, “Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs.”

She said that if he didn’t start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. “Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!” he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.

“Hark!” he said, “What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?”

 

JOKE #2

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers: “Yes.”

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases.”

Pharmacist: “Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works.”

Jacob: “You have loose bladder and gas pills?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics.”

Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”

 

JOKE #3

Two carrots were going down the street, and one of ’em got run over by a car.  So, the first carrot took the other to the hospital and waited outside.  After a while the doctor came out and said: ‘Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you about your friend. The good news is, he’s gonna live. The bad news is, I’m afraid he’s gonna be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A British politician accused the Marks & Spencer department store of using trick dressing room mirrors that make women look slimmer. ***MARLAR: Upon the news being released, business at Marks & Spencer tripled.

 

The Bible is the number one shoplifted book in America.  *** Ironic, seeing as the 8th commandment is “Thou Shalt Not Steal.”

 

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.  ***Which I can only interpret to mean, lawyers should read the fine print out loud.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

WAKE UP

Noticing a man has fallen asleep, the preacher called the deacon aside and ordered him to wake up the man.

Replied the deacon, “You put him to sleep. You wake him up.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Ladies, how would you react if your husband gave you a love letter – but then later you found out that it was an automated form letter?

China’s Chutian Daily reports that a new software program called “Magic Love Letters” has become a huge seller.  Users just type in the sender’s and recipient’s names, and the software can generate more than 10,000 different love letters. It also has over 100 classic love letters, and users can just switch the names. One university professor said it’s not a bad thing because it can help some people express their inner feelings.  ***MARLAR: It expresses the feeling that you can’t be bothered to write your own love letters.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE RAGAMUFFIN GOSPEL

A story is told about Fiorello LaGuardia, who was mayor of New York City during the worst days of the Great Depression and all of World War II. He was a colorful character who used to ride the New York City fire trucks, take entire orphanages to baseball games and, whenever the New York newspapers were on strike, go on the radio and read the Sunday funnies to the kids.

One bitterly cold night in January of 1935, the mayor turned up at a night court that served the poorest ward of the city. LaGuardia dismissed the judge for the evening and took over the bench himself. Within a few minutes, a tattered old woman was brought before him, charged with stealing a loaf of bread. She told LaGuardia that her daughter’s husband had deserted her, her daughter was sick and her two grandchildren were starving. But the shopkeeper, from whom the bread was stolen, refused to drop the charges. “It’s a bad neighborhood, your Honor,” the man told the mayor. “She’s got to be punished to teach other people around here a lesson.”

LaGuardia sighed. He turned to the woman and said, “I’ve got to punish you. The law makes no exceptions – $10 or 10 days in jail.” But even as he pronounced sentence, the mayor was already reaching into his pocket. He extracted a bill and tossed it into his famous sombrero saying: “Here is the $10 fine which I now remit; and furthermore I am going to fine everyone in this courtroom 50 cents for living in a town where a person has to steal bread so that her grandchildren can eat. Mr. Bailiff, collect the fines and give them to the defendant.”

So the following day the New York City newspapers reported that $47.50 was turned over to a bewildered old lady who had stolen a loaf of bread to feed her starving grandchildren, 50 cents of that amount being contributed by the red-faced grocery store owner, while some 70 petty criminals, people with traffic violations and New York City policemen, each of whom had just paid 50 cents for the privilege of doing so, gave the mayor a standing ovation.

The grace of God operates at a profound level in the life of a loving person. Oh, that we would recognize God’s grace when it comes to us!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD IS ALIVE!

Read: Psalm 30

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever. —Psalm 30:12

The great 16th-century theologian Martin Luther once experienced a long period of worry and despondency. One day his wife dressed in black mourning clothes.

“Who has died?” asked Luther.

“God,” said his wife.

“God!” said Luther, horrified. “How can you say such a thing?”

She replied, “I’m only saying what you are living.”

Luther realized that he indeed was living as if God were no longer alive and watching over them in love. He changed his outlook from gloom to gratitude.

Occasionally we too live as if God were dead. When we are discouraged, we can turn to the Psalms. Some of the writers faced bleak and barren times, but they had one habit in common that kept them from being soured: giving thanks to God. For example, David wrote, “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing . . . . O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever” (Psalm 30:11-12).

Meeting every situation with thanksgiving isn’t a denial of trouble. It helps us see those situations from God’s perspective—as opportunities to discover His power and love.

Every time you express gratitude to God in a difficult situation, you’re declaring, “God is alive!” —Joanie Yoder

 

When things go wrong, I would not be a grumbler,
Complaining, seeing everything as grim;
For when I think of how the Lord has blessed me,
I cannot help but give my praise to Him. —Hess

 

Instead of complaining about the thorns on roses, be thankful for the roses among the thorns.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

HERE FISHY FISHY FISHY…

Did you hear the one about the fish caller? No, this isn’t a joke, but the story of Steven Hayes’ invention.

The York, Pennsylvania, electronic engineer has invented what he says is a fish caller. Hayes says research has shown that fish can hear. So, he and a partner have created and patented an electronic fish calling device. Hayes says it took about five years to go from brainstorm to patent. He says the fish caller works so well, he was surrounded by sharks while testing the device in Florida. But while the fish caller may attract fish, it hasn’t been a magnet for investors.  ***MARLAR: So his fish caller is “floundering?”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Lexmark wants to help you print less and use less ink.

A printer manufacturer wants to help you print less junk. When you print an article off the Web, it sometimes includes several pages of logos, links, ads or other items. Lexmark’s latest toolbar gives users the ability to block those images from being printed, which saves paper and ink. It even strips the graphics off “printer-friendly” sites that still attach a logo. Most of the features work whether you have a Lexmark printer or one from another manufacturer. The toolbar is available for Internet Explorer and for Firefox. To get yours, search “toolbar” at www.lexmark.com.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

SCREWY

Salesman Jim Stimpson was driving on the freeway through Thornton, Colorado, to deliver a load of special drywall screws to a customer when the strap holding them down broke, spewing about 5,000 them across the freeway. At rush hour. But rather than duck and slink away as dozens of tires were flattened, Stimpson stopped and began to hand out his business card to drivers. There was a tire store nearby, so he gave the store his company credit card and ran a tab, getting the tires fixed and the drivers back on the road quickly.  ***MARLAR: It’s great to hear that someone in this country still values others, isn’t it?  I’m just waiting for the follow-up story on this one, where the owners of the other vehicles can look at the guy’s business card and say, “Hey, this is the guy we can sue.  And here’s his name and number right on the card…”

 

 

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A CHEAPSKATE WHEN

You line the inside of your purse with aluminum foil at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

You’ve ever eaten noodles and ketchup.

You unroll 2-ply toilet paper for the extra roll.

You re-use Q-tips.

You cross out names on Hallmark cards and send them to others.

You buy birthday presents at garage sales.

You still own a Yugo.

You’ve ever crashed a wedding reception.

You’ve ever used needle and thread to repair your underwear.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ANNUAL TAX SURVEY

According to a survey by H&R Block, 24% of 8 to 11 year olds know that the IRS collects taxes. But what are there opinions about the IRS and paying taxes? Here’s what the kids said:

71%… “I think the IRS is smart and helpful”

88%… “Taxing my allowance would be a bad thing”

50%… “I’d rather pay taxes on my allowance than give up TV”

48%… “I’d rather go to school year-round than pay allowance taxes”

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

When Roger Leggett’s granddaughter Felicity was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2011, he was devastated. While at the hospital they saw the struggles of moving sick child patients from one point to the next. In response, Roger proposed moving kids around in a wagon with an IV pole attached. Leggett’s former colleagues at Lockheed Martin stepped in to help him build the red wagons for use at children’s hospitals in Atlanta. The wagons have become so popular that now there are now more than 140 of them in eight states, with one wagon going as far away as Scotland. http://nbcnews.to/21muPxc

 

North Carolina State University is requiring a Christian group to obtain a permit before speaking to other students on campus. According to a report in the Christian Headlines web site, Grace Christian Life, a student group registered at NC State, has filed a lawsuit against the school, alleging that the school discriminated against them by requiring them to obtain a permit and restricting their free speech rights. In September 2015, the group was told that they had to stop approaching students in order to engage in religious discussions unless they obtained a permit to do so. Alliance Defending Freedom also says that the Christian group was singled out by the university which did not target other groups.  http://dlvr.it/L9rsmh

 

A Chinese church has won a land dispute with the government, but only after the pastor’s wife was killed by a bulldozer while authorities tried to demolish the church. According to ChristianHeadlines.com, the pastor’s wife and her husband were pushed into a pit by a bulldozer and covered with soil as they were protesting the government-enforced demolition of their church building. The pastor was able to escape, but his wife suffocated to death. Now, amidst public outcry over Ding’s death, the government has ruled that the church does have the right to the land on which their church is built. Human rights officials say the ruling is a step in the right direction, but there are still concerns about the government’s abuse of human rights.  http://dlvr.it/L9vhKH

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

And now, in an all-out effort to win friends and influence media watchdogs everywhere, (STATION) proudly concludes today’s (JOCK SHOW).

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 20, 2016…

 

Sorority 2: Neighbors Rising—The neighborhood is about to get loud and raucous again, with a sorority moving in. What comes next? A motorcycle club? Rocket Society? Turkey Farm? Who knows? The stars include Chloe Grace Morentz, Zac Efron, Rose Bryne, Seth Rogen and Selena Gomez. “Sorority 2: Neighbors Rising” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Nice Guys—The team of Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe, as a private detective and a hit man, just might make it. The private eye is investigating the suicide of a friend, but was it? All this and set in the 1970’s, too.  Also in the cast are Matt Bomer, Kim Basinger and Keith David. “The Nice Guys” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Maggie (opening in select cities)—Greta Gerwig is Maggie who decides she wants to have a baby. Unfortunately, the guy she likes (Ethan Hawke) is married (to Juliette Moore) and this means up breaking up the marriage. Rocky road ahead. “Maggie” is rated R. No rating.

 

Angry Birds—This animated film follows the adventures of the online birds and why are they angry? No pecking order? (couldn’t resist that…) This happy island has visitors in the form of pigs? The main birds, Red (Jason Sedeukis), Chuck (Josh Gad) and Bomb (Danny McBride) try to find out what is going on.  “Angry Birds” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

MAY 27, 2016…

 

X-Men: Apocalypse is the next installment of this series and “Apocalypse” is actually a mutant god who, of course, wants to destroy the world.  Some of the stars are Jennifer Lawrence and Michael Fassbender.

 

Alice Through The Looking Glass continues the adventures of Alice and this time she has to save the Mad Hatter. Stars Johnny Depp and Mia Wasikowska.

 

USS: Indianapolis: Men of Courage is based on the true story, during WWII, of the sinking of this ship and how the crew tried to survive. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore and Thomas Jane.

 

The Lobster is a fantasy film about a world in which people must find love within days or be turned into animals.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.