May 27, 2015: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150527

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to the best radio show this side of the Mississippi. On the other side of the Mississippi there’s a DJ who steals all my material and somehow manages to do it even better than I do it.

 

Running on fumes, tank is empty. God is my gas station. “Could You fill er’ up, please? And check under the Hood? Thank you, Lord! ” Price already paid in full.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“He who gathers crops in summer is a wise son, but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son.” — Proverbs 10:5
If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. — Matthew 18:15

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Help us, O God our Savior, for the glory of your name; deliver us and forgive our sins for your name’s sake. — Psalm 79:9

 

Thought: I am sure at times that God gets disgusted with our behavior and our lack of seeking after him. I’m sure there are moments when he acts to bless us only because we are his people and we wear his name. But when we cry out, confessing our sins and shortcomings, he is still our Savior. Even when we are not what we should be, God can act out of compassion and preserve the glory of his name.

 

Prayer: Holy and righteous God, our Savior and Abba Father, please forgive us for our sins, rebellion, failures, and duplicity. Deliver us, not just from the consequences of our sin, but also from the mediocrity that permeates our commitment to you. Set fire to your holy zeal in us to seek your glory and the glory of your name. You alone, O God, are our Savior! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

John 5:27 NIV = And he has given him authority to judge because he is the Son of Man.

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MAY 27, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 213 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is BLOOMER DAY, marking the birth of Amelia Bloomer on May 27, 1818. She crusaded for sensible clothes for women. The first athletic pants for women, “Bloomers,” were named for her. ***MARLAR: On a side note, in the year 1978 at a British Columbia auction, Jim Anderson paid $3,000 for a pair of “bloomers” once worn by Queen Victoria. They are history’s most expensive used bloomers.  Gee, I wouldn’t pay that much for NEW underwear!

 

Today is NATIONAL CLEAN SNEAKERS APPRECIATION DAY. ***MARLAR: Although moms are usually more concerned that we’re wearing clean bloomers.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

National Senior Healthy and Fitness Day

World MS (Multiple Sclerosis) Day

Cellophane Tape Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, MAY 28

Sierra Club Day

Slugs Return From Capistrano Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 29

Bats Day

Hug Your Cat Day

Learn About Composting Day

International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers ***No wonder the UN can’t keep peace in the world, they’re only working one day out of the year!

Put a Pillow On Your Fridge Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 30

Loomis Day

Mint Julep Day

The Wicket World of Croquet Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 31

What You Think Upon Grows Day

World No-Tobacco Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 01

Global Day of Parents

Heimlich Maneuver Day

National Go Barefoot Day

National Leave The Office Early Day

National Thank God It’s Monday Day

Oscar The Grouch Day

Say Something Nice Day

Stand For Children Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 02

National Bubba Day

Yell “Fudge” at The Cobras in North America Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 03

Chimborazo Day

National Running Day

National Tailors Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1679: The Habeas Corpus Act, which guarantees prisoners must be brought before a court and not unlawfully detained, was passed in Britain.

 

1790: In England 19-year-old heir Jeremiah Carlton went to bed and stayed 70 years just because he wanted to. More than 40 servants fed and bathed him until he died in bed at age 89. ***MARLAR: And yet my wife calls me lazy when I sleep until noon on a Saturday?

 

1837: Wild Bill Hickok was born. His real name was James Butler Hickok, but he had a huge nose and, as a child, other kids nicknamed him “Duck Bill.” When he grew up, he changed it to Wild Bill.

 

1933: Walt Disney’s Oscar-winning animated short “The Three Little Pigs” was first released.

 

1945: History’s goofiest traffic jam occurred when 76 Allied ships were in convoy off the Newfoundland coast and one ship struck an iceberg. Within ten minutes 22 ships collided. No one hurt, no vessels sank, but damage was in the millions.

 

1957: Brunswick Records released “That’ll Be The Day” by The Crickets featuring Buddy Holly. Two earlier singles had bombed.

 

1968: George Halas retired after coaching the Chicago Bears for 48 years. The Bears won six NFL titles under Halas.

 

1981: When Kansas City’s Amos Otis sent a slow trickler down the third base line, Seattle’s comic infielder Lenny Randle dropped to all-fours and blew the ball foul. The plate umpire wouldn’t have it, and awarded Otis an infield hit.

 

1987: During a show in Rome’s Flaminio Stadium, U2’s sound system set off earthquake alarms in two neighborhoods.

 

1992: “Big Snow” of Deuchar, Queensland, Australia, weighed in as the world’s heaviest chicken at 23 pounds.

 

1994: “The Arsenio Hall Show” taped its final show, with guest Whoopi Goldberg. The show ran just under five years. (audio clip)

 

1994: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley were married in the Dominican Republic. They were divorced in January of 1996.

 

1995: Actor Christopher Reeve was left paralyzed after he was thrown from his horse during a jumping event in Charlottesville, Virginia. A leading advocate for spinal cord research, Reeve died at age 52 on October 11, 2004.

 

1997: The first all-female team of 20 British explorers reached the North Pole.

 

2004: A federal appeals court in San Francisco upheld Oregon’s law authorizing doctors to help their terminally ill patients commit suicide.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1564: Death of John Calvin. Few theologians have been as influential. “The word hope I take for faith; and indeed hope is nothing else but the constancy of faith.”

 

1647: Achash Young is hanged as a witch, the first such execution in Massachussets.

 

1661: Archibald Campbell, Earl of Argyle is beheaded. He was accused of treason because of his association with the Scottish Covenanters.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Willis on “Different Strokes”) Todd Bridges 50 (audio clip)
  • actress (Jenny Piccalo on “Happy Days,”) Cathy Silvers 54 (audio clip)
  • actor (Anthony Zacchara on “General Hospital”) Bruce Weitz 72 (audio clip)
  • actress (Ruth Martin on “All My Children,” Lily Munster on “The Munsters Today” from 1988-1991, Betty Jones on “Barnaby Jones,” Catwoman on two episode of the “Batman” TV show in 1967) Lee Meriwether 80 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1932 : Junior Parker

1935 : Ramsey Lewis

1935 : Rudy Lewis (The Drifters)

1939 : Don Williams

1943 : Cilla Black

1944 : Lenny Davidson (The Dave Clark Five)

1945 : Bruce Cockburn

1947 : Peter Knight (Steeleye Span)

1947 : Marty Kristian (The New Seekers)

1948 : Pete Sears (Jefferson Airplane)

1957 : Eddie Harsch (The Black Crowes)

1957 : Siouxsie Sioux (Siouxsie and the Banshees)

1958 : Neil Finn (Crowded House)

1966 : Sean Kinney (Alice in Chains)

1975 : Andre 3000 (OutKast)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How did “pipe down” come to mean, “be quiet?”

The tone of this expression puts it somewhere between “please lower your voice” and “shut your mouth!” But the words in it don’t place it anywhere that’s at all obvious. What pipe? Where? Why? Who’s smoking it? The reality is that pipe down is yet another expression that comes from the days of sailing ships. The “pipe” in question was a whistle used by the boatswain, a petty officer–sort of a sergeant–who supervised a work crew on deck. When he blew “pipe down” his men were free to go below. Once they went below, it was quiet on deck. And that’s the condition to which you aspire when you tell someone to pipe down. If they don’t respond, throw them overboard.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Casting Crowns Mark Hall was on stage early this week but it wasn’t to sing. He was the guest speaker at the baccalaureate for the Union Grove Wolverines. Mark says he spoke about God’s dream for us.

 

The Sidewalk Prophets braved the weather over the weekend. They were on stage at the Brat Fest in Madison, Wisconsin and tweeted: It might be raining here but that isn’t going to stop us from playing (or eating bratwurst) tonight. However, the rain may have had the last laugh. After the concert guitarist Ben McDonald tweeted: Bus is heading home in the rain. The passenger side mirror just blew off the bus.

 

Comedian Bob Smiley needed a little extra pep this week. He tweeted: Forgive me Father for I’ve sinned. I switched the Dcaf sign on the coffee pots in a crowded hotel breakfast area so I’d get all the regular.

 

Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman has announced plans for a twitter chat today (Wednesday, May 27). Jon is releasing four solo EPs during 2015. The entire set is called The Wonderlands and the first EP in the series released this month. Jon says he will be answering your questions about the project at 1:00pm CT on May 27. He says you can send in your questions right now using the hash tag: #TheWonderlands.

 

Robby Shaffer’s trampoline was the one doing the bouncing this week. The Mercyme drummer said their trampoline took flight across their backyard during the storm this week and landed on the landscaping. He shared a picture of the badly mangled trampoline but added: luckily nothing else was damaged.

 

A suggestion from Kari Jobe; she tweeted: I vote we pick one outfit a month to eliminate the daily decisions. Think of all the extra time we’ll have.  ***MARLAR: And if we only wash that outfit after the month is over, we save a ton of money on soap and water too!

 

Jenny Simmons has a thing for holidays; but it isn’t a good thing. She tweeted that she has the flu for a second time in four months. The first started on New Years Day. The second time around was on Memorial Day.

 

Audio Adrenaline front man Adam Agee says his retirement hopes on resting on his one son Jack. He shared a picture of Jack teeing off with his toy driver and admitted that Jack already has a better swing then his daddy.

 

Colton Dixon is experiencing life as a new homeowner. He tweeted: All the stores I hated as a child have now become my go to’s.

 

When is the last time that you read the book of Enoch? Tenth Avenue North front man Mike Donehey says that’s what he was doing recently and he posted: so fascinating.

 

A thought from Matthew West: The world tries to sell us on things like #yolo. That sounds good, but it’s an empty thought. I don’t buy into that.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

3 burglars share tips of trade in crime prevention video
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Police looking to educate the public about ways to prevent break-ins turned to the experts — a trio of convicted burglars. The Columbus Police Department recruited the inmates with the help of the state prisons agency and produced a YouTube video in which the…

 

Roller coaster fan notches 5,000th ride on historic coaster
WEST MIFFLIN, Pa. (AP) — An 82-year-old fan of a historic Pennsylvania roller coaster celebrated his 5,000th ride on it over the holiday weekend — sitting for more than eight hours straight and logging 95 spins around the wooden ride in a single day. Vic Kleman, 82, marked the milestone…
Woman uses obituary to say Brady innocent in ‘Deflategate’    photo
BOSTON (AP) — A Massachusetts woman has used her own obituary to convey a final message on Tom Brady and the “Deflategate” scandal. HASH(0xd2f460) Brady was suspended for four games and the New England Patriots were fined $1 million and docked a pair of draft picks after league investigator…
Ohioan posts message on his SUV: ‘Got kidney? I need 1’
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — An Ohio man in need of a kidney donor is taking his search on the road in unusual fashion, with bright yellow letters taped to the rear window of his sport utility vehicle. The message on Neal Raisman’s silver-blue SUV reads: “Got kidney? I need 1.” It includes a phone…
A head scratcher: 9 brains found next to train tracks
GOUVERNEUR, N.Y. (AP) — Nine brains were found along a street in a northern New York village, but authorities say there’s nothing to fear. The brains are believed to have been part of a collection for educational or research purposes. No criminal activity is suspected. Residents discovered…
Man sentenced for stabbing of bar doorman over bad drink
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — A 36-year-old man has been sentenced to more than 28 years in prison for a 2013 assault that prosecutors say stemmed from his anger over a botched drink. HASH(0xd2e030) Prosecutors say Felix was angry about a bad drink and poor service when he returned to the club at…
Colorado city going dark this weekend to help stargazers
TELLURIDE, Colo. (AP) — Telluride residents were asked to turn out the lights on Saturday night and early Sunday to help stargazers see the night sky free of light pollution. “For all of humanity’s history up until the last two generations, humans have always looked up and seen the night…
Fido al fresco? NY weighs allowing outdoor dining with dogs    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Never mind the doggie bag: Spot wants a seat at the outdoor table, or rather under it. New York is considering whether to join a growing number of states that give pet dogs legal entree, if not actual entrees, at open-air eateries. Dog lovers and restaurateurs say the proposal…
Oregon community takes unusual approach to sea lion problem
BELLINGHAM, Wash. (AP) — An Oregon community is bringing in some unusual help to try to fix their sea lion problem. They’re hoping a fake killer whale from Bellingham, Washington, will do the trick. HASH(0x13d23b0) Hundreds of sea lions have taken over the docks in Astoria, preventing boat…
Naked man rescued after getting stuck on Florida drawbridge    photo
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) — Firefighters in Florida have rescued a naked man trapped on a raised drawbridge. The South Florida Sun Sentinel quoted witnesses as saying the unidentified man was walking across the Florida East Coast Railway railroad bridge in Fort Lauderdale on Friday morning…
Polish brown bear crosses borders, highway, seeking mate
WARSAW, Poland (AP) — A Polish brown bear went a wooing, little knowing that scientists were following all the way. Starting from the Tatra Mountains, the bear crossed borders and a highway as it covered some 380 kilometers (235 miles). Nuria Selva, a researcher with the Polish Academy of…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Man diagnosed with Lassa fever dies in US after Liberia trip
NEW YORK (AP) — A New Jersey man died Monday evening after been diagnosed with Lassa fever — a frightening infectious disease from West Africa that is rarely seen in the United States, a federal health official said. The man recently returned from Liberia, arriving at New York City’s…

 

Study: Europeans to suffer more ragweed with global warming    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Global warming will bring much more sneezing and wheezing to Europe by mid-century, a new study says. Ragweed pollen levels are likely to quadruple for much of Europe because warmer temperatures will allow the plants to take root more, and carbon dioxide will make them grow…
Peeking into healthy brains to see if Alzheimer’s is brewing    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sticky plaque gets the most attention, but now healthy seniors at risk of Alzheimer’s are letting scientists peek into their brains to see if another culprit is lurking. No one knows what actually causes Alzheimer’s, but the suspects are its two hallmarks — the gunky…
Ohio bill would allow patients to get STD meds for partners
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — A bill in Ohio seeks to expand access to treatment for certain sexually transmitted diseases by allowing doctors to prescribe medication to their patients’ partners without examining them. Licensed health professionals in Ohio must first see patients before prescribing…
GOP likely to feel the heat if court decision guts Obamacare    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A Supreme Court ruling due in a few weeks could wipe out health insurance for millions of people covered by President Barack Obama’s health care law. But it’s Republicans — not White House officials — who have been talking about damage control. A likely reason:…
German woman, 65, gives birth to quadruplets
BERLIN (AP) — A 65-year-old teacher from Berlin has given birth to quadruplets after a pregnancy that was widely criticized by medical professionals because of her age, RTL television said Saturday. Annegret Raunigk, gave birth to a girl — Neeta — and three boys — Dries,…
Skimpy insurance seen by Democrats as next health care issue    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A different health care issue has emerged for Democrats, in sync with the party’s pitch to workers and middle-class voters ahead of next year’s elections. It’s not the uninsured, but rather the problem of high out-of-pocket costs for people already covered. Democrats call it…
Countries approve plan for $100M health emergency fund
BERLIN (AP) — Diplomats have approved the creation of a $100 million fund to help the World Health Organization respond rapidly to emergencies. The Geneva-based U.N. agency has come under criticism for reacting too slowly to crises in recent years, including the Ebola outbreak in West Africa….
Peeking into healthy brains to see if Alzheimer’s is brewing    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sticky plaque gets the most attention, but now healthy seniors at risk of Alzheimer’s are letting scientists peek into their brains to see if another culprit is lurking. No one knows what actually causes Alzheimer’s, but the suspects are its two hallmarks — the gunky…
‘Ugly’ potential fallout from Supreme Court health care case    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A Supreme Court ruling due in a few weeks could wipe out health insurance for millions of people covered by President Barack Obama’s health care law. But it’s Republicans — not White House officials — who have been talking about damage control. A likely reason:…
Senate tweaks veterans health law to boost specialized care
WASHINGTON (AP) — Veterans would get specialized medical care from private doctors more easily under a bill the Senate approved Friday. The measure relaxes a rule that makes getting specialized care from local doctors difficult for some veterans, especially those in rural areas. Senators…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Brooklyn, New York man allegedly switched price tags and used the self-checkout station at a Stop & Shop to steal thousands of dollars worth of diapers. Kevin Hargrove was arrested after police say he made regular trips to multiple locations of the supermarket and swapped diaper price tags for 99-cent items. He’s been given the nickname “Diaper Don” by the New York tabloids.  ***Which might be enough punishment all by itself.

 

Police say a woman blames her coffee-drinking pet parrot for distracting her moments before she crashed her car into a guardrail in Pennsylvania. Troopers say the 35-year-old woman was driving when she noticed the bird pecking at the lid of her coffee cup. The woman says she struck the guardrail when she glanced down to see what the bird was doing. The woman told police that the bird likes to drink coffee — and they also found birdseed in a cup holder next to the coffee. The woman broke her arm and had facial cuts because her air bag deployed, while the bird was safely removed from the vehicle.  ***What’s the deal with pets in the car?  We get a traffic ticket if we talk on the phone while driving, they tell us not to eat while driving because it’s distracting, our children are required to be strapped into car seats, yet we’ve got people driving with poochie-poo in their lap, between them and the steering wheel, sticking his head out the window, jumping back and forth between the front seat and the back at whim, and now we’ve got a lady with a friggin’ bird flying around the car and eating birdseed from the cup holder.  How is that not distracted driving?  Is it not time to start ticketing these people for being idiots?

 

Forty-year-old Michael Kimmel of Kentucky was arrested after police say he rode a horse while under the influence of alcohol. ***Michael promised he would check his horse into rehab right away.

 

A Philadelphia girl’s Sweet 16 party was crashed recently after a plane flying overhead dropped a load of bathroom waste all over the family’s backyard as the event was taking place. Forty party guests watched as everything in the yard was covered in the waste, including a canopy, the chairs and a baby seat. Fortunately the family had just gotten done with the cake.  *** If MTV’s “My Super Sweet Sixteen” always ended with something like this, I might watch it.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a new poll, 1 out of 5 Americans are in favor of bringing back the gas chamber. ***MARLAR: Sure, Justin Bieber gets on my nerves too, but this is kind of extreme, isn’t it?

 

Just when you think people have gone as far as possible in selling out Christianity, here comes “worship for prizes.”  Las Ultimas Noticias reports that there is a Catholic church in a shopping mall in Santiago, Chile. The Dockers clothing chain sponsored the installation of a sound system that detects the person in the church who’s praying the loudest, and that person wins a Dockers discount coupon. Worshipers can also win free chocolate bars and McDonald’s coupons for going to confession.  ***MARLAR: The church slogan is “Jesus Saves…And So Will You, at Garden View Mall!”

 

Cash machines could soon be installed with devices that identify customers by reading the veins in their fingers. The technology is already being rolled out in Poland, where 1,730 cash machines will this year be installed with readers, canceling the need for a debit card and PIN. The machines read the patterns of the veins just below the surface of the skin on your finger using infra-red sensors. ***MARLAR: Finally – we can now have a positive spin on blood money!

 

A study from Brigham Young University showed that people are fairer and more generous when they are in clean smelling environments. Participants engaged in two psychological experiments some worked in unscented rooms and others worked in rooms freshly sprayed with citrus scented Windex. In both tests, the study found that clean scents led to more ethical behavior. “It could even be that getting our kids to clean up their rooms might help them clean up their acts, too,” says assistant professor Katie Liljenquist.  ***MARLAR: A more practical application for this study – be sure to wait and ask for a raise after the janitorial service has Mop-N-Glowed the boss’ office… and then ask.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Do Not Turn Upside Down”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Charles Marshall, “Boyfriends”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was in the hospital after hurting himself while trying to do things better than Steve Mozart. Mozart was also in the hospital, received all of the attention, made a miraculous recovery, and is headed out of the hospital with everyone following him…

 

CLOSE: It may be freezing in Siberia, but the good news is that there isn’t any Steve Mozart there! At least, that’s what Millard hopes. We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 30/31, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals had really busy schedules – so busy in fact that not only did they not have time to get everything done, but they didn’t have time even to plan what they had to do! They didn’t even have time for campfire meetings – and now, no time to even talk to each other!

 

CLOSE: It’s no wonder they’re so exhausted – they’ve been working so hard and so long without sleep! But now how will they get everything done on their schedules? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Accidentally calling 911 is an error – hanging up without explaining that you made a mistake is a Moment of Duh.  But that’s not the end of this story!

In La Vista, Nebraska, a guy and his girlfriend were hungry. She tried to call for delivery but got the first three digits messed up and ended up calling 911. And instead of telling them of her error, she simply hung up. In cases like this, officers are always dispatched to investigate. Which would have been no problem, except that her boyfriend was wanted on seven felony charges.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE DON’T SAY WHEN THEY SEE A CHRISTIAN BUMPER STICKER OR SYMBOL ON YOUR CAR

 

  1. “Look! Let’s stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians.”

 

  1. “Don’t worry, Billy, those people are Christians — they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour.”

 

  1. “What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit- filled brothers and sisters.”

 

  1. “Isn’t it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?”

 

  1. “Dad, how come people who drive like that don’t get thrown in jail?”

 

  1. “Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car’s gonna be all over the road!”

 

  1. “Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer.”

 

  1. “No, that’s not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert — it’s probably gospel tracts for the road workers.”

 

  1. “Oh, boy, we’re in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God’s cars.”

 

  1. “Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won’t know that we love Jesus!”

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Who’d of thought that jail could be good for a marriage? 

 

FILE #1: An unnamed 47-year-old man from Itzehoe, Germany, faced a parking fine of $98 or 10 days in prison. Police said they were stunned when he called and asked them to come take him to jail so he could get away from his constantly nagging wife. He told them he was looking forward to the peace and quiet.

 

FILE #2: In Britain, a sign was posted along the A14 motorway near Cambridge warning drivers that thieves were in the area. Unfortunately, after being up for only a few hours, the sign was stolen.

 

FILE #3: Police in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, were called to break up a fight between two six-year-old boys over a pacifier.  ***MARLAR: Of course, when word of this gets out on the playground, they’ll be involved in a lot more fights.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Natoma, Kansas it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Today’s Brain on Drugs proves that drugs really do kill off brain cells, because after hearing about this story I can’t think of any other explanation.

Duron Frank of Pennsylvania was brought into court recently on drug possession charges. While he was in the courthouse, Duron was approached by a couple of police officers who were there to serve him with a warrant in a completely different case. When he saw the officers, Duron became very nervous and blurted out that he had drugs on his person. Sure enough, the officers checked him and he indeed was carrying two grams of crack cocaine and some marijuana… right there in the middle of the courthouse… on the very same day he was scheduled to go before a judge on drug possession charges!  Whatever additional time he’s been given, probably still isn’t enough.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

“As Seen on TV Products”… do they really work? You know, the spray-on hair, the pocket fishing pole, that weight-loss patch, those “roll-n-grow’ flowers… have you ever bought one of those “As Seen on TV” products? How’d it work for you?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many angels rescued Lot and his family from the doomed city of Sodom?
ANSWER: Two (Genesis 19:1-22 = “The two angels arrived at Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city… With the coming of dawn, the angels urged Lot, saying, ‘Hurry! Take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away when the city is punished.'”)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: On average, how many acres of pizza do Americans consume each day?

ANSWER: approximately 100 acres

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. On a baseball scorecard, an “E6” indicates an error made by the player in the Shortstop position. (True)

 

  1. 1567 was the first year of the World Series of Poker. (False, it was started in 1970)

 

  1. The first of the ten biblical plagues of Egypt occurred when the waters of the Nile were turned into lava. (False, not lava, but Blood)

 

  1. A 110-meter high hurdler jumper must jump Ten hurdles. (True)

 

  1. The largest US city in area is Juneau, Alaska. (True. It covers 3,108 square miles. Los Angeles covers only 458.2 square miles.)

 

  1. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. (True)

 

  1. No matter where you are in Australia you are never more than 100 kilometers from the ocean. (False, 1000 kilometers)

 

  1. It takes a week to make a jelly bean. (True)

 

  1. People from Manchester, England are called Manchurians. (False – Mancunians)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SATURN IS A GIANT _____ (UFO)

Forget about the scientific “facts” drummed into your head by school teachers.  Saturn is not a planet – it’s a colossal UFO!

That’s the assertion of controversial astronomer Dr. Eduardo Marquez, who has come forward with puzzling photos that appear to bolster the seemingly outlandish claim.

“new high-definition photos taken by the powerful 2.6-meter telescope at our observatory show windows, cargo bays and even shuttle-craft-size saucers going  to and from the mammoth vehicle,” says Dr. Marquez, who captured the images with the Nordic Optical Telescope in the Canary Islands.

“Clearly this is not a natural body, but the creation of intelligent beings – an almost inconceivably huge flying saucer 74,900 miles in diameter.”

Shockingly, Dr. Marquez claims that NASA has known the truth for decades and is deliberately concealing it from the world.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Panting and sweating, two men on a tandem bicycle finally made it to the top of a steep hill. “That was a tough climb,” said the front rider.

“Sure was,” replied the second. “And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward.”

 

JOKE #2

A man came into a legal office for advice about a debt he owed. The lawyer told the client that technically he could get out of the obligation. “But morally,” the lawyer continued, “you have a responsibility. As legal counsel, my recommendation is that you satisfy the debt.”

The client rose and walked toward the door.

“Sir, there’s a $25 fee for my advice,” the lawyer reminded him.

With a shake of his head, the man replied, “I’m not taking your advice.”

 

JOKE #3

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, “And get me a cracker you stupid cow.”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a cracker for the parrot and forgets all about the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot finishes the cracker and squarks, “And get me another cracker you airhead.”

Quite upset, the poor girl comes back shaking with another cracker but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it now you stupid idiot.”

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

As they plunge downwards, the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you’ve sure got an attitude.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A University of Washington study found that the price of low-calorie foods have increased 20% since 2005. At the same time, high-calorie food costs remained stable.  ***MARLAR: That’s right – it’s more expensive to eat healthy, meaning that eating candy bars and Cheetos is just simply good stewardship.

 

In Lodi, California, a grandmother, her daughter and some grandkids were all arrested after trying to shoplift $900 worth of stuff from a Target Store.  ***MARLAR: Good thing they were caught – they were robbing Target for generations.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

DECISIONS

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says boy.
“Nope, I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A 31-year-old woman has been charged after allegedly posing as a schoolgirl at a Canadian high school for three years.

According to police, Treva Throneberry posed as Brianna Stewart at Evergreen High School in Vancouver. She played tennis on the school team and attended the senior prom and now faces theft charges because the state paid $11,500 for her education.  ***MARLAR: She wanted to go BACK to high school?  Who wants to go back to high school?!?! If that’s not grounds for an insanity defense, I don’t know what is.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

God uses us when we desire
To see a change in people’s lives;
And when we love and follow Christ,
Our love for others grows and thrives.
– Sper

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ANGELS

What do you think angels look like?

How about something like this…

  • The lady who returned your wallet yesterday.
  • The taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world when you smile.
  • The poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.
  • The stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.

Angels come in all sizes and shapes, and ages. Some have with freckles, or dimples, or even wrinkles!  They come disguised as friends, enemies, teachers, students, and fools. They travel light and leave no forwarding address, and they ask nothing in return. They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, but they are everywhere you look,

when you choose to see.
“Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.” –Hebrews 13:2
“For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.” – Psalm 91:11

 

 

LEFTOVERS

GREAT TIPS FOR BETTER LIVING BY (OTHER JOCK).

(OTHER JOCK) has been feeling kind of slighted since I get all of the jokes and fun stuff on my show – so I asked him if he wanted to contribute something to my show.  You know… to feel like he’s a part of it.  I asked him, since we’re now officially into Spring, if he could toss a few tips our way for us to have better lives.  Here’s what (OTHER JOCK) came up with…

  • Pencils.  According to (OTHER JOCK), pencils are a great way to write things down. Buy a whole box, but be sure to sharpen them or they won’t work.
  • Gasoline.  Make sure you put gas in your car, or (OTHER JOCK) says it won’t run very far after you’ve bought it, and then you’ll have trouble getting to work.
  • Letter writing.  And I quote (OTHER JOCK) here, “When you get letters from people, you can send a response by using some paper and one of the pencils I told you about earlier.”
  • To-Do Lists.  (OTHER JOCK) suggests that if you have a long list of things to do, make sure to do some of them sometimes.
  • Greetings.  When people ask you how you’re doing, (OTHER JOCK) says that it’s okay to say “Great! How about you?” They’ll probably have some kind of response, though, so be ready.
  • Recipes.  (OTHER JOCK) apparently really got into making this list for us – so much so that he called him mom for research.  According to (OTHER JOCK), “When it comes to recipes, you can put them on your computer and look at them later to make food you like. Tip: You can also write down recipes using the pencils I mentioned earlier.”
  • Inspiration.  (OTHER JOCK) also submitted this one to us.  “If you’re having trouble getting inspired about something, it’s probably because you’re temporarily lacking inspiration. That’s what you need. You need inspiration.”
  • Forgetfulness.  If you keep forgetting your house keys when you go out, (OTHER JOCK) suggests that you shouldn’t do that any more, or you’ll eventually lock yourself out.
  • Hair.  According to (OTHER JOCK), he knows nothing about this topic, as he has no hair. But he did consult his mom again, and according to (OTHER JOCK’S MOM), you should cut your hair when it starts getting long. But then (OTHER JOCK) added, “Or you’ll eventually have trouble wearing the hats that you enjoy.”
  • Shoes.  Now here’s a piece of advice from (OTHER JOCK) that I have found helpful in my own life as well.  “Try putting your shoes on before you go to work in the morning. The ground is cold and sometimes there are sharp things on the sidewalk. Try taking the car if it has gas in it.” He then goes on, “If you forget to wear shoes to work and accidentally get a rusty nail in your foot, you should probably take it out eventually.”
  • Entertainment.  (OTHER JOCK) says that if you don’t like the song that’s playing on your stereo, you can wait a while and it will change automatically.  He then adds, “this goes for television too, but with pictures.”
  • Money.  (OTHER JOCK’S) final tip for better living: “When you get a check from the place you work, you can cash it to buy groceries, soda, and more of the pencils I mentioned earlier.”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Yet another study has shown that what you eat can reduce your risk of having a heart attack or stroke.

This one was a 25-year study of 88,000 healthy women and they found that those who followed the so-called DASH diet, which is heavy in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, low-fat milk and plant-based protein and light on the meat, were 24 percent less likely to have a heart attack and 18 percent less likely to have a stroke. While they only studied women, experts say the same diet would also likely be beneficial for men. ***MARLAR: With no meat?  What kind of life is that?

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

BATTLE OF THE REDHEADS

Ronald MacDonald has been arrested for robbing Wendy’s.

Seriously!  In Manchester, New Hampshire, a 22-year-old man, whose name is really Ronald MacDonald, has been charged with stealing money from a safe at a Wendy’s restaurant. The restaurant manager called police after he found MacDonald and another employee had taken money from the office safe. Ronald told the store manager he used his driver’s license to pick the lock to the office. After repeated requests, he finally returned the stolen money — all of $133 dollars– which incidentally will buy you about 26 extra value meals.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND STUNK

  • You stay in Swedish American Hospital Burn Center as part of the family cookout tradition.
  • Image of Grandpa in his Speedo is indelibly burned into your memory.
  • Your improbable kebob skewer mishap becomes the headline in the Rockford Register Star.
  • Regardless of what the marriage license says, you don’t remember going to Vegas.
  • Your 5-year-old took the phrase “wiener roast” literally and barbequed the dog. (audio clip)

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TEN YEAR MISTAKE

It’s not just criminals who screw up.  Judges do too.  How horrible is this? In Tampa, Florida, 47-year-old Leonard Brown spent 10 years too many in prison because a judge screwed up! Poor Leonard spent more than half of his life behind bars after Circuit Judge Harry Lee Coe, known for dishing out tough sentences, wrongly sentenced him to 99 years on a robbery conviction that should have brought him a maximum 15-year term instead. A fellow inmate who once worked for a law firm discovered the error in Leo’s file last year and helped him get it into court. He was finally set free Friday and walked from the prison into the arms of his family. He said, “I thank my family for sticking by me all these years, especially my mom.”  ***MARLAR: He then added, “Now somebody get me a danged lawyer because I’m gonna sue the crud out of Judge Coe!”

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Please Don’t Call It “Happy”

On this Memorial Day, my wife Rhonda and I find two recurring aspects of people’s awareness of this annual holiday a bit irritating. First, it is not a day to honor our military service members past and present. That is why we have Veterans Day. It’s commonly misunderstood, even by people who should know better.
The second “irritation” we found on a billboard near downtown Plainfield. It also is a common misunderstanding. Happy Memorial Day! Uh…don’t think so.
Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day. It arrived with the pains of our nation burying more than 500,000 Americans in the Civil War. Hardly a “happy occasion.” Only recently did the number of Americans who have died in the totality of foreign wars eclipse those who died in the Civil War.
And so today, millions of Americans place flowers on the graves of those who have given a bitter contribution to freedom: life. What amazes me most about the commitment of many soldiers — I’d even say most soldiers — is that they do this willingly. Yielding up the greatest sacrifice we have as humans out of a love for country and fellow countrymen requires immense courage. And commitment.
One man who sees the enduring pain associated with this commitment is Darrell Stafford. For 32 years, Darrell has served as interment supervisor at Arlington National Cemetery. This means he oversees proper burials of both coffins and cremated remains of military veterans. Stringent requirements exist for below ground burial at Arlington.
In the New York Times story about Mr. Stafford, I learned that Memorial Day is among the busiest, most solemn of times at Arlington. Over the weekend, about 150,000 people were expected to visit the graves of their loved ones. There is a team of twenty caretakers along with Mr. Stafford “who conduct the burials of both coffins and cremated remains.” (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/25/us/no-rest-for-arlington-national-cemeterys-minders-of-details.html?_r=0)
Services at Arlington’s 624 acres are highly detailed. This requires an abundance of preparation. According to the Times, “Since 1864, more than 400,000 people have been laid to rest here, with additional burials every weekday. That number includes presidents, active and former military personnel, spouses, and their dependents.”
Among the most solemn elements of the ceremony is the playing of taps and the gun salutes. Those bugle notes are always eerie to me. The gun firings offer a jarring reminder of the not-so-fond farewell.
Thank God today for those who have sacrificed so much for you and for me. Jesus of Nazareth clearly communicated the value of their dedication when he said, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:13/NLT) No greater love. No greater sacrifice.
All the tears in the world cannot bring back the men and women who died in service to their country. Among the things we can do, is to recognize that Memorial Day honors those who died in service to America. And to realize that for those who continue to grieve their loss, this holiday is anything but happy.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only)

A former Cartersville, Ga police officer says he was ‘forced out of a job’ for ministering to inmates at the Bartow County Jail. According to Fox News, David Bojczuk, a father of 8, says the Chief of the Cartersville Police Department called the act a ‘conflict of interest’ and ordered him and other officers to stop ministering at the jail. Bojczuk refused, and resigned, saying he was ‘forced out’ because of his ministry.

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/29104983/officer-forced-out-of-job-for-praying-with-inmates

 

Car companies are always trying to develop the best ways to save on fuel. Well, Ethan Tucker and Pat Boone of Zero Pollution Motors, the U.S. licensee for Motor Development International, might have the next big thing…the AIRPod. The AIRPod runs on cold air compressed in tanks to 300 times atmospheric pressure. AIRPod says the car can be refilled from a compressed-air station in about three minutes for less than $3. With the car weighing in at just over 600 pounds, a top speed reaching about 50 mph and an 80-mile range, the AIRPod would seem to make for the perfect city car.

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/air-powered-car-gets-5-million-shark-tank-deal-2015-05-12?link=sfmw

 

We’ve all sent some text messages we wish we hadn’t. Now a Phoenix man is making your mistakes disappear. According to a KTVK news report, Kevin Wooten has developed an app that can help you turn back the clock. It’s called reTXT and Kevin says that, when you’ve sent a text you didn’t really mean to send, it allows you delete them. He said he was inspired by autocorrect to create a messaging app with edit and delete functions. Though your text recipient will see you’ve made a change, Wooten insists once you hit delete, it’s gone.

http://www.kctv5.com/story/29080245/retxt-app-lets-you-edit-delete-texts-you-wish-you-hadnt-sent

 

Technology is edging ever closer to the expectations for 2015 set by Back to the Future, and Catalin Alexandru Duru is helping us get there. The Canadian inventor recently set the Guinness World Record for the furthest flight on a hoverboard, hovering 16 feet over a lake as he flew his hoverboard prototype just over 900 feet forward.

http://relm.ag/1EosTGG

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’m outta here. Got places to go, people to annoy.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 22, 2015…

 

Poltergeist— Produced by Sam Raimi. It is a remake of the classic horror film about haunting a family. The cast includes Sam Rockwell, Jared Harris, Rosemary DeWitt and Jane Adams. Brings the story up-to-date and the disappearance of a daughter brings terror to the family. I remember the first film and the television set. “Poltergeist” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Tomorrow land (title in Great Britain is “Disney Tomorrowland: A World Beyond“)—Theme Park written all over it…..this movie stars George Clooney as a guy who once went there, and Britt Robertson as the girl who hopes to find it. What? A unique place where inventors live. Travel is with a special brooch. Also in the cast are Hugh Laurie, Thomas Robinson, Tim McGraw and Judy Greer.   “Tomorrowland” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the genre and George Clooney.

 

Slow West (opening in select cities)—Kodi Smit-McPhee comes to America from The British Isles hoping to find his runaway girlfriend.  The Old West is not kind to him and a friendly stranger (the worst kind and played by Michael Fassbender) helps him out.   Just what agenda’s are going on here, anyway?  Cast includes Ben Mendelson and Caron Pistorius.  “Slow West” is rated R. No rating.

 

MAY 29, 2015…

 

Aloha is a romantic comedy with Bradley Cooper and Emma Stone, plus written by Cameron Crowe. About love in the military.

 

San Andreas 3 D is the weekend action film starring Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) as a helicopter rescue pilot trying to find his lost daughter.

 

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.