May 28, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150528

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The boss said he really liked my show yesterday.  And good news – he said a few more like that and I can go home!

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. –Psalm 46:10

 

God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. — John 3:17

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. — Acts 1:8

 

Thought: Sometimes the most profound truths are very simple. The power to reach the world for Christ involves God’s might through the Holy Spirit, God’s plan of beginning where we are and reaching out to the world, and our willingness to tell others what God has done for us in Jesus.

 

Prayer: Father of all people, fill us with your powerful Holy Spirit, enable us to be effective in sharing our faith, and motivate us to reach our city, our region, and our world with the Gospel. I still believe, Father, that you desire to do in our day what happened long ago. Make your Name great. Exalt your holiness in the eyes of all people. Use me and the rest of your people to accomplish your will of reaching all nations with the Gospel of grace. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Thessalonians 5:28 NIV = The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MAY 28, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 212 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is NATIONAL CONTEMPLATE YOUR VICISSITUDES DAY. ***MARLAR: All I can contemplate is, “what the heck are ‘vicissitudes?’”

 

Today is NATIONAL HAMBURGER DAY. ***MARLAR: Which is a lot more fun to contemplate than vicissitudes.

 

Today is SLUGS RETURN FROM CAPISTRANO DAY. ***MARLAR: Hey, the swallows gotta eat something!

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Sierra Club Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, MAY 29

Bats Day

Hug Your Cat Day

Learn About Composting Day

International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers ***No wonder the UN can’t keep peace in the world, they’re only working one day out of the year!

Put a Pillow On Your Fridge Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 30

Loomis Day

Mint Julep Day

The Wicket World of Croquet Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 31

What You Think Upon Grows Day

World No-Tobacco Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 01

Global Day of Parents

Heimlich Maneuver Day

National Go Barefoot Day

National Leave The Office Early Day

National Thank God It’s Monday Day

Oscar The Grouch Day

Say Something Nice Day

Stand For Children Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 02

National Bubba Day

Yell “Fudge” at The Cobras in North America Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 03

Chimborazo Day

National Running Day

National Tailors Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity to Hope Day

International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression

Old Maid’s Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

970 BC: Solomon was born in Israel. He purposely became Israel’s best educated, richest, wisest king. He had more fun, more women, and achieved more good than any king in history. But he decided it was all vain, and that man’s whole duty in life was to honor and obey God.

 

1888: Charlotte and Hiram Thorpe had a son near Prague, Oklahoma. They named him Wah-tho-huck, meaning “bright path,” but the world would call him Jim. In 1950 the Associated Press called him the outstanding athlete of the first half of the 20th Century. Jim Thorpe was a “half-breed:” his father Sac-and-Fox and Irish, his mother Pottawattamie and French.

 

1928: Dodge Brothers Incorporated merged with Chrysler Corporation.

 

1954: President Dwight Eisenhower signed a law that added the words “under God” to the U.S. Pledge of Allegiance.

 

1957: National League club owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers to move to Los Angeles and the New York Giants to go to San Francisco.

 

1985: Seattle retiree Gay Mullins founded The Old Cola Drinkers of America, a group determined to bring back the original Coca-Cola. Within two months Coke announced Classic Coke, to be sold in addition to its New Coke.

 

1986: Participants of Dick Clark’s TV special America Picks the Number One Songs chose Bill Haley’s “Rock Around the Clock,” Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Waters,” and Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long” as the top songs of the rock era.

 

1989: Actor Gerald McRaney and actress Delta Burke were married.

 

1991: Eight bandits escaped with over a million dollars from an armored car near Bastia, Corsica. It was the payroll for a regiment of the French Foreign Legion.

 

1995: The Indonesian Private Radio Association ordered disc jockeys to speak only the national Indonesia language Bahasa.

 

1996: New York created a new crime, “pre-meditated arbicide,” the willful mistreatment or destruction of trees. Offenders could face a fine of up to $15,000 or a year in prison.

 

1997: The Danish parliament banned corporal punishment of children by their parents. ***MARLAR: There is no law, however, banning corporal punishment of parents by their children.

 

2000: Juan Montoya won the 84th Indianapolis 500, becoming the first rookie champion since Graham Hill in 1966.

 

2002: John and Margaret Majerczyk of Floyd, Iowa, revealed they had a pet buzzard. Buzz sat on a window box each morning waiting for them to come out, then followed them everywhere. Buzz really liked hamburger.

 

2006: Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants hit his 715th home run to pass Babe Ruth on the career list and move into second place behind Hank Aaron.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

970 BC: Solomon was born in Israel. He purposely became Israel’s best educated, richest, wisest king. He had more fun, more women, and achieved more good than any king in history. But he decided it was all vain, and that man’s whole duty in life was to honor and obey God.

 

1533: English reformer Thomas Cranmer, Archbishop of Canterbury, declares King Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne Boleyn valid, having earlier approved the king’s divorce of Catherine of Aragon.

 

1841: Edwin Moody dies, leaving his wife to raise 4-year-old Dwight Lyman and eight other children. D.L. Moody went on to become the leading American evangelist of his generation.

 

1949: A Communist party congress in Czechoslavkia declares its right to educate children in atheistic Leninism regardless of their parents’ religious views.

 

1954: President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs a bill adding the words “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Abby Morgan on “Dawson’s Creek,” Loaded, The Narrows) Monica Keena 37 (audio clip)
  • TV’s (“Survivor,” “The View”) Elisabeth Hasselbeck 38 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Sudden Impact, Bronco Billy, Any Which Way But Loose) Sondra Locke 68
  • former New York City mayor/U.S. Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani 71

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1910 : T-Bone Walker

1917 : Papa John Creach (Hot Tuna, Jefferson Starship)

1923 : Gyorgy Ligeti

1931 : Sonny Burgess

1938 : Prince Buster

1943 : Tony Mansfield (Billy J. Kramer with the Dakotas)

1944 : Gary Stewart

1944 : Gladys Knight

1944 : Billy Vera

1945 : John Fogerty (Creedence Clearwater Revival)

1948 : Larry Gatlin (The Gatlin Brothers)

1948 : Ray Laidlan (Lindisfarne)

1949 : Wendy O. Williams (Plasmatics)

1955 : Eddie Jobson (Roxy Music)

1957 : Siouxsie Sioux (Siouxsie and the Banshees)

1962 : Roland Gift (Fine Young Cannibals)

1968 : Kylie Minogue

1970 : Mark Richardson (Skunk Anansie)

1971 : Duncan Zowie Haywood Bowie is born to David Bowie and his wife Angela. Duncan will go on to become the successful film director behind Moon (2009) and Source Code (2011).

1981 : Mark Feehily (Westlife)

1985 : Colbie Caillat

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is it called a scapegoat?

This term for one who is punished for the misdeeds of others is the result of a mistranslation. The term was coined in 1530 by William Tyndale, who misread the Hebrew word azazel, a wild demon from the desert in the Old Testament to whom the scapegoat was driven forth. It is also mentioned as the place to which the scapegoat was sent on the Day of Atonement. Two goats were chosen and after one was sacrificed, the other was let loose in the wilderness, symbolically carrying away the nation’s sins. This ritual is described in the Avodah. Aaron, as atonement, ‘shall cast lots’ on two goats ‘one for the Lord, and the other for the scapegoat’. Tyndale was not the only one to make this error, a Greek translation of the Old Testament, uses tragos apopompaios, or the goat that is sent out. The Vulgate Bible refers to the second goat as a caper emissarius, or the emissary goat. Coverdale’s 1535 Bible refers to it as a free goat. But it was Tyndale who coined the term scapegoat, or scapegoote as he spelled it. It was not until 1824 that the word acquired its current, wider sense. All prior usages have been in terms of the Leviticus passage. The verb form appeared in 1943.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

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If you are a parent of young children you can probably relate to the Newboys Jeff Frankenstein. He tweeted: I was going to try the free blood pressure machine at the grocery store, but realized my two kids were with me so I would automatically fail.

 

Jonny Diaz: If I had the gift of invisibility, I would go push around street mimes. I know it sounds mean, but think of the applause they would get.

 

A thought provoking question from Steven Curtis Chapman’s daughter Shaoey Chapman: “Why do they have “nap time” in elementary school when all you wanna do is play and not in high school when all you wanna do is sleep?”

 

Being a working mom requires a little extra creativity. Francesca Battistelli tweeted that she was practicing her songs for the upcoming Bible tour during nap time. Francesca shared a picture of her keyboard, complete with a video monitor so she could keep track of the kids while she was practicing.

 

A ministry called Soul Surfers is making the most of the chance to see Switchfoot in Europe. Members of the organization tweeted that they made it back home to Edinburgh, Scotland in time to see Switchfoot for a second time. To make it happen, group members traveled 1100 miles in 48 hours. They said, “Must… get… some… sleep… or… coffee!”

 

Casting Crowns Juan DeVevo says necessity is the mother of Invention. Case in point, Jaun tweeted this week: necessity made me invent a fold up paper plate like a taco and funnel chip crumbs to my mouth.

 

You might be able to relate to a recent post from Big Daddy Weave drummer Jeff Jones. He tweeted: That feeling of relief you get as the garbage truck leaves your empty cans behind. YES! They took it!

 

Paul Baloche has been working this week on a worship CD in Dutch. He says he has already finished four songs and is grateful for all the Dutch leaders, artists, and choir members who are part of the process. Paul shared just a clip of his song Above All in Dutch on Instagram.  https://t.co/EfkVizdHSk

 

The Gospel Music Association talked this week with Jason Roy of Building 429. Jason told the organization that, while the group has been growing in prominence, he has taken some specific steps to build a strong family. Those included: limiting TV time, limiting gaming time, praying simple prayers over his children every night, ignoring the phone occasionally, eating together, and apologizing and forgiving often. http://t.co/O6z28044ev

 

Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey is taking away some interesting insights from time spent watching the program Bachelorette. Earlier this week Mike shared on twitter: Trying to make it through an episode of the Bachelorette to support a friend….I think my soul is dying. Following the show Mike offered the following insight: I think it’s safe to say, turning covenant into competition multiplies the potential for disaster. Our culture argues, “sexuality precedes covenant.” I would say, “covenant creates the safety of true intimacy by preceding sexuality.”

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Court hearing in NYC on whether chimps have rights
NEW YORK (AP) — Lawyers for two chimpanzees are heading to court to argue that the animals have “personhood” rights and should be freed from the Long Island university where they are kept. The Nonhuman Rights Project has filed the petition in state supreme court in Manhattan on behalf of Leo…

 

Illinois couple welcomes their 100th grandchild    photo
QUINCY, Ill. (AP) — A western Illinois couple recently celebrated the birth of their 100th grandchild. Leo and Ruth Zanger of Quincy have 53 grandchildren, 46 great-grandchildren and one great-great-grandchild. The birth of great-grandson Jaxton Leo on April 8 made the number 100….
Oh, brother: Twins charged with hurling bricks at each other
ORANGE CITY, Fla. (AP) — What are a few bricks between brothers? Well, they’re worth battery charges for twin 52-year-olds after officials say an argument ended with them hurling the projectiles at each other. HASH(0x1419590) According to a police report, Michael Remelius followed through,…
Ohio man posts message on his SUV: ‘Got kidney? I need 1’    photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — A man in need of a kidney donor is taking his search on the road in unusual fashion, with bright yellow letters taped to the rear window of his SUV. The message on Neal Raisman’s silver-blue vehicle reads: “Got kidney? I need 1.” It includes a phone number for interested…
‘John Wayne Day’ in Texas honors actor’s 108th birthday    photo
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — Wearing a brown plaid coat worn by John Wayne in 1945’s “Flame of Barbary Coast,” Republican Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick has declared a day in honor of the quintessential screen cowboy. An avid collector of movie memorabilia, Patrick wore the coat as he presided over the Senate…
3 burglars share tips of trade in crime prevention video    photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Police looking to educate the public about ways to prevent break-ins turned to the experts — a trio of convicted burglars. The Columbus Police Department recruited the inmates with the help of the state prisons agency and produced a YouTube video in which the…
Roller coaster fan notches 5,000th ride on historic coaster
WEST MIFFLIN, Pa. (AP) — An 82-year-old fan of a historic Pennsylvania roller coaster celebrated his 5,000th ride on it over the holiday weekend — sitting for more than eight hours straight and logging 95 spins around the wooden ride in a single day. Vic Kleman, 82, marked the milestone…
Woman uses obituary to say Brady innocent in ‘Deflategate’    photo
BOSTON (AP) — A Massachusetts woman has used her own obituary to convey a final message on Tom Brady and the “Deflategate” scandal. HASH(0x13d2f60) Brady was suspended for four games and the New England Patriots were fined $1 million and docked a pair of draft picks after league investigator…
A head scratcher: 9 brains found next to train tracks
GOUVERNEUR, N.Y. (AP) — Nine brains were found along a street in a northern New York village, but authorities say there’s nothing to fear. The brains are believed to have been part of a collection for educational or research purposes. No criminal activity is suspected. Residents discovered…
Man sentenced for stabbing of bar doorman over bad drink
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — A 36-year-old man has been sentenced to more than 28 years in prison for a 2013 assault that prosecutors say stemmed from his anger over a botched drink. HASH(0x13d2c80) Prosecutors say Felix was angry about a bad drink and poor service when he returned to the club…
Colorado city going dark this weekend to help stargazers
TELLURIDE, Colo. (AP) — Telluride residents were asked to turn out the lights on Saturday night and early Sunday to help stargazers see the night sky free of light pollution. “For all of humanity’s history up until the last two generations, humans have always looked up and seen the night…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

UN: Fewer hungry people in the world despite wars, poverty
ROME (AP) — The number of hungry people around the world has dropped to 795 million from over a billion a quarter-century ago despite natural disasters, ongoing conflicts and poverty, the three U.N. food agencies said Wednesday. Countries in East Asia, Latin America and the Caribbean showed…

 

Man diagnosed with Lassa fever dies in US after Liberia trip
NEW YORK (AP) — A New Jersey man died Monday evening after been diagnosed with Lassa fever — a frightening infectious disease from West Africa that is rarely seen in the United States, a federal health official said. The man recently returned from Liberia, arriving at New York City’s…
Study: Europeans to suffer more ragweed with global warming    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Global warming will bring much more sneezing and wheezing to Europe by mid-century, a new study says. Ragweed pollen levels are likely to quadruple for much of Europe because warmer temperatures will allow the plants to take root more, and carbon dioxide will make them grow…
Study peeks into healthy brains to hunt Alzheimer’s culprit    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sticky plaque gets the most attention, but now healthy seniors at risk of Alzheimer’s are letting scientists peek into their brains to see if another culprit is lurking. No one knows what actually causes Alzheimer’s, but the suspects are its two hallmarks — the gunky…
Ohio man posts message on his SUV: ‘Got kidney? I need 1’    photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — A man in need of a kidney donor is taking his search on the road in unusual fashion, with bright yellow letters taped to the rear window of his SUV. The message on Neal Raisman’s silver-blue vehicle reads: “Got kidney? I need 1.” It includes a phone number for interested…
Ohio bill would allow patients to get STD meds for partners
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — A bill in Ohio seeks to expand access to treatment for certain sexually transmitted diseases by allowing doctors to prescribe medication to their patients’ partners without examining them. Licensed health professionals in Ohio must first see patients before prescribing…
GOP likely to feel the heat if court decision guts Obamacare    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A Supreme Court ruling due in a few weeks could wipe out health insurance for millions of people covered by President Barack Obama’s health care law. But it’s Republicans — not White House officials — who have been talking about damage control. A likely reason:…
Quadruplets born to 65-year-old mom still in critical phase    photo
BERLIN (AP) — Doctors caring for quadruplets born prematurely to a 65-year-old Berlin woman say the babies are still in intensive care, but have been gaining a little weight and are being given their mother’s milk through feeding tubes. Mother Annegret Raunigk left intensive care 48 hours…
Skimpy insurance seen by Democrats as next health care issue    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A different health care issue has emerged for Democrats, in sync with the party’s pitch to workers and middle-class voters ahead of next year’s elections. It’s not the uninsured, but rather the problem of high out-of-pocket costs for people already covered. Democrats call it…
German woman, 65, gives birth to quadruplets
BERLIN (AP) — A 65-year-old teacher from Berlin has given birth to quadruplets after a pregnancy that was widely criticized by medical professionals because of her age, RTL television said Saturday. Annegret Raunigk, gave birth to a girl — Neeta — and three boys — Dries,…
Countries approve plan for $100M health emergency fund
BERLIN (AP) — Diplomats have approved the creation of a $100 million fund to help the World Health Organization respond rapidly to emergencies. The Geneva-based U.N. agency has come under criticism for reacting too slowly to crises in recent years, including the Ebola outbreak in West Africa….

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A 38-year-old Ohio woman’s quest to find her birth mother ended at the company where she works. La-Sonya Mitchell-Clark’s Mom, Francine Simmons, says: “I’m still in shock. It’s amazing.” It also turns out that Mitchell-Clark has three sisters she didn’t know about, and one of them also works at the same company.  ***Yikes… too bad about your employer’s nepotism policy…

 

A 21-year-old Texas man was arrested for trying to cash a $360 billion check. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious. The man said his girlfriend’s mother gave him the check to start a record business. Turns out the girlfriend’s mom had no idea he took one of her checks.  ***And replied, “I can’t be broke – I still have checks left!”

 

About 10 percent of the workforce in Egypt is under 12 years of age. Although laws protecting children are on the books, they are not well enforced, partly because many poverty-stricken parents feel forced to send their children out to help support the family.  ***On the plus side, cheap clothing for the USA!  So it all works out.

 

Chinese officials are launching a campaign to crack down on stripteases that have become popular at funerals in some rural areas. ***Even more strange: the fact that this hasn’t taken hold in America yet.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Which came first – the chicken or the egg?  We now have an answer!

It is an age-old riddle that has perplexed generations: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Now British scientists claim to have finally come up with the definitive answer: The chicken.  The scientific and philosophical mystery was purportedly unraveled by researchers at Sheffield and Warwick universities, according to the Daily Mail newspaper.  The scientists found that a protein found only in a chicken’s ovaries is necessary for the formation of the egg. The egg can therefore only exist if it has been created inside a chicken.  ***MARLAR: They next plan to tackle the age old question of why the chicken crossed the road.

 

Just one in 17 women of a healthy weight actually considered themselves to be “slim”, a new survey has found.   The study, involving thousands of people, provides a disturbing insight into female self esteem. Volunteers were asked to look at themselves in the mirror and select from 12 adjectives to describe how they felt or how they considered they looked. Those taking part were also measured to determine whether they were overweight or of a healthy weight.  Among women who were the right weight for their height, just 13 per cent said they felt happy when they saw their reflection and only six per cent thought they were slim.  ***MARLAR: Although the study did look a bit more normal if you took out the names of Calista Flockhart, Terri Hatcher, and Lara Flynn Boyle.

 

A study by San Diego State University researchers has disproven the popular phrase “five second rule” … determining bacteria can attach itself to food in less than five seconds.  ***MARLAR: True – but that’s why you blow on it once you pick it up off the floor.  (Morons.)

 

A University of Newcastle. study of 170 obese Australians disproved the common belief that you can lose weight faster if you break up meals into five or six snack-size portions a day. There was no difference in health or weight loss between those who ate three meals a day and those who ate six smaller meals. A nutritionist said what matters is what and how much you eat, not how many times, and that eating six small meals a day at McDonald’s clearly won’t help you lose weight.  ***MARLAR: But eating six Happy Meals a day will make you extremely happy.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Square Meal, Round Plates”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Robert G. Lee, “Random Thoughts”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Millard the Monkey – driven to the edge of madness for not being able to do anything better than Mozart (Steve Mozart, that is) – decided he’d had enough. He charted a flight with Jean Claude the flying squirrel’s plane to leave the jungle for places unknown…

 

CLOSE: Well, if Millard’s envy, jealousy, and hatred of Mozart doesn’t kill him, Jean Claude’s flying very well may! Where in the world can Millard relocate to get away from Steve Mozart? Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 30/31, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals had really busy schedules – so busy in fact that not only did they not have time to get everything done, but they didn’t have time even to plan what they had to do! They didn’t even have time for campfire meetings – and now, no time to even talk to each other!

 

CLOSE: It’s no wonder they’re so exhausted – they’ve been working so hard and so long without sleep! But now how will they get everything done on their schedules? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

What would you do if the Department of Motor Vehicles decided you were a woman, rather than a man – despite evidence of the contrary?

A Cedar Rapids, Iowa man recently spent 45 minutes trying to convince the Iowa Department of Transportation that he really was a man! It seems that when Ed Matthews went to the department’s drivers license office to update the address on his license, the clerk noticed that it said “F” for female on his driver’s license. Instead of looking at him and figuring that he was indeed of the male species the clerk informed him that he must show a copy of his birth certificate before the department would change the “F” on his drivers’ license to an “M.” Instead of going through the hassle, Matthews took his new license without any changes and will just stay an “F”.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS WE WOULD NOT KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

 

  1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.

 

  1. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

 

  1. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

 

  1. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

 

  1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

 

  1. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

 

  1. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

 

  1. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

 

  1. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

 

  1. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Can you imagine paying a thief to stop being a thief?

 

FILE #1: A thief who committed hundreds of hotel burglaries in Britain was paid $6,000 to leave the UK under a new “voluntary repatriation” plan, then was back in Britain stealing again one day later.  ***MARLAR: Wow… it’s like he had no conscience about taking other people’s money!

 

FILE #2: When a Michigan man let his two dogs out of his house, they began chasing something and ran across his neighbor’s property. When he chased his dogs over the neighbor’s property, he stepped into a fence post hole, fell, and injured himself. So, he decided to sue the property owner for negligence – but he didn’t get very far. The Court dismissed the case saying that since the man was trespassing; the owner of the property was not required to make sure his property was safe from people falling in the hole.

 

FILE #3: A would-be thief thought he was stealing a bag of cash from a McDonald’s employee at a fast food restaurant in Paris. The burglar approached the night manager as she was locking up and demanded she turn over the bank bag she was carrying. As it turns out, the bag was filled with four dozen left-over Chicken McNuggets the manager was taking home to her dog.  ***MARLAR: Of course the thief was extremely upset. Not only was there no cash in the bag, but there was no honey mustard!

 

STRANGE LAW: New York passed a law creating the crime of “pre-meditated arbicide,” the willful mistreatment or destruction of trees. Offenders could face a fine of up to $15,000 or a year in prison if they mistreat a tree.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Drug dealers in Memphis, TN are behind bars after a sting operation called “Operation Blue Crush”.

Police say the suspects were so bold they advertised the fact that this was a crack house. When they were open for business, they’d flip an address sign over that read “Crack house”.  We need some language clarification here:  When Captain Kirk and the crew of the Starship Enterprise go out on a five year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, and go where no one has gone before, that’s ‘BOLD’.  When Captain Coke and his crew of Criminal Geniuses go to an abandoned shack in somebody’s neighborhood and put up a “Crack for Sale” sign, that’s just ‘STUPID.’

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Let’s say God makes an exception for you alone, and you get to go back in your life and do one-thing over. God gives you one “do-over” in your life… what would it be?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who is called the “Weeping Prophet”?

ANSWER: Jeremiah

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How wide is the Statue of Liberty’s mouth?

ANSWER: Three feet wide

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. The average medium size piano has about 230 strings. (True)

 

  1. The hump of a really famished camel may flop over and hang down the side of the body as the fat is used up. (True)

 

  1. Soil that is heated by geysers are now making it possible to produce tomatoes in Iceland. (False – bananas)

 

  1. The country of Fiji is made up of 32 islands. (False – 332 islands)

 

  1. Australians consume the most peanut butter in the world. (False, Americans do)

 

  1. Under National Shuffleboard Association rules, a regulation size shuffleboard disc is six inches in diameter. (True)

 

  1. The ruby red slippers in the movie “The Wizard of Oz’ were size 6b. (True)

 

  1. American’s throw away enough office and writing paper annually to build a wall 4 feet high stretching from New York to Los Angeles. (False – 12 ft high)

 

  1. The Titanic had 14 elevators. (False, it had four. Three in First class and one in Second class)

 

  1. The Gobi desert is about 499,900 square miles. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GARDEN OF _______ FOUND! (EDEN)

BAGHDAD, Iraq –   U.S. military advisors made a startling discovery on the outskirts of this city.  They found Eden!

“I knew it had to come out sooner or later,” Colonel Sara Pentine confirmed. “We found the biblical Garden of Eden.  But that was just the beginning of our amazing discoveries.”

When the military first entered the sun-bleached desert 5 miles north of Baghdad, they got a strange blip on their radioactive mass spectrometer.

“The RMS was showing an extremely small dense object 30 feet underground” Colonel Pentine said, “We called in the hazmat team to dig it up.”

Dressed in radiation-proof uniforms, soldiers began excavating the area. What they discovered seemed harmless enough: The withered remains of an ancient tree.

“The bark looked as if it ha been blasted by lightning. Pentine said. “We dug carefully around the trunk and soon unearthed the skeletal remains of a large snake beside the mass we had been reading.

“The object was red and looked like an apple,” she said.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A young man went to an interview for potential guests on a TV talk show. “What do you do?” the show’s producer asked the young man.

“I imitate birds,” the young man answered.

“What?” grunted the producer. “People who imitate birds are a dime a dozen. We can’t use you.”

“Okay,” replied the disappointed young man. And he flapped his arms and flew out the window.

 

JOKE #2

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew, occasionally walking around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl casually replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

 

JOKE #3

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and the six year old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, agreed to drive her if she’d direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn.

This went on for 20 minutes — yet when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. Asked why she’d led the father over such a circuitous route, the child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, and it’s the only way I know.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Off-duty firefighter Barry McRoy of Walterboro, South Carolina, was leaving a fast food restaurant when a stray bullet hit him, but he didn’t even notice until he got home and saw the bullet hole in his jacket. He’d checked out a DVD that was in its box in his pocket, and it had stopped the bullet.  ***MARLAR: But he demanded a refund because when he got it home it wouldn’t play.

 

Court officials in Wilmington, Delaware are red in the face with embarrassment over the woman they hired to be their Spanish-Language courtroom translator. She had the job for ten years and no one realized she couldn’t speak a word of Spanish.  ***MARLAR: Except for “Yo Quiero Taco Bell.”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE LORD’S PRAYER

A four year old girl was learning to say the Lord’s Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

The most unusual weapon ever used in a convenience store robbery… lack of oxygen!

While most crooks hold up stores with guns or knives or other weapons, Ralph Simpson thought he had an innovative “weapon” to rob a New Mexico convenience store. He walked into the store and threatened to hold his breath, until he passed out. He reasoned that he could then sue the store for injuries unless the clerk handed over the cash. The clerk refused and allowed Simpson to hold his breath. When he realized it wasn’t working, Simpson ran out of the store only to bump into a police officer coming in for a cup of coffee! To make the punishment fit the crime, Simpson will have to go sit in the corner and think about what a bad boy he is.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE 2ND TEN COMMANDMENTS

Thou shall not worry;
for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

Thou shall not be fearful;
for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them;
for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

Thou shall face each problem as it comes;
you can only handle one at a time anyway.

Thou shall not take problems to bed with you;
for they make very poor bedfellows.

Thou shall not borrow other people’s problems;
they can better care for them than you can.

Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone;
concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now.

Thou shall be a good listener;
for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. (It’s hard to learn something new when you’re talking.)

Thou shall not become “bogged down” by frustration;
for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive actions.

Thou shall count thy blessings;
never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Psalm 46: 10. Be still, and know that I am God…
That’s a difficult thing to do, don’t you think? Be still, and know that I am God…

After you have done everything to equip yourself, “Stand firm.” Perseverance is much more than endurance. Perseverance carries with it the assurance and certainty that what we are praying for will happen.

You might be saying, “But I prayed and prayed for my loved one, and they passed on anyway.” And the thoughts always comes back, “What didn’t I do, Lord?” “Did I not have the faith to believe?” And a hundred other questions seem to plague your heart with doubt.

Like Job, your friends will surround you and offer their condolences and help, but your answers must come from God. Your peace must come in the arms of a loving Lord. No friend, however close, can possibly answer your questions. Then one day, in an instant, the Lord gives that peace. The peace that assures that your loved one is truly in a better

place.

Be still. . .wait on the Lord. . .stand firm. . .and persevere.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

A custody battle… over cats?

A US woman has been jailed for failing to give up custody of her three cats in a bitter divorce battle. Lynn Goldstein was given 30 days behind bars because she repeatedly defied a court order to hand over the cats to her ex-partner Tom Nichols. Judge Jerry Bowles passed the sentence on Goldstein after ordering she could keep the couple’s three dogs and a rabbit called Mr Bobo. “This is like a bad dream,” said Goldstein from jail. “Everyone who has checked me through the system has looked at me and said, ‘He gave you 30 days over two cats?’ The cats are like my children. I’ve never had children. They’re not two-legged children, but I’ve always been an animal crusader. I love my pets like they’re children.”  ***MARLAR: Sure – keeping your children from their father and hiding them in businesses for days at a time to disobey a court order… that’s GREAT parenting.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO GET RID OF ANNOYING BODY PROBLEMS (from Anne Harding, msn.com)

They may not be life-threatening, but hiccups, blisters, ingrown hairs and other body bothers can be painful, embarrassing and just plain annoying.  How do you get rid of them?

  • Waterlogged Ears: Tilt your head and find an angle that will let the water drain out. Holding a hair dryer a few inches from your ear can also dry up the fluid, but be sure to use the gentlest setting.
  • Hiccups: Well-worn remedies, like drinking a glass of water upside down or holding your breath, can help. Many of these cures actually seem to work by disrupting your breathing cycle in a way that allows the diaphragm to relax and stop its hiccup-causing spasms.
  • Dry Mouth: Drink more water. Chewing sugar-free gum or sucking on sugarless hard candy can also help. Reduce your caffeine intake, and if you smoke, quit. You can also try moisturizing rinses, sprays and gels.
  • Blisters: The best thing you can do for your blister is leave it alone!  Blisters can get infected easily, and this is why we don’t want you to pop them unless they are really big.  If you must pop a blister, make sure your hands are clean, use a sterile needle to let the fluid out, and don’t remove the flap of skin covering the blister.
  • Sneezing Fits: If you regularly have sneezing fits, you need to think carefully about when they happen and what you might be allergic to.  Dust, pollen and animal dander are the most common causes.
  • Stiff neck: Be aware of your posture. If you work in an office, make sure your desk, chair, computer keyboard and monitor are positioned to let you work comfortably.
  • Chapped Lips: Licking your lips can make it worse. Frequent applications of lip balm will shield the delicate skin of your lips and help them heal. Dermatologists recommend using a balm with built-in sun protection and staying away from ingredients such as eucalyptus or camphor, which can dry out your lips.
  • Charley Horse: A charley horse every now and then isn’t cause for concern.  Try eating more foods with potassium, like avocados and bananas. Be sure you’re hydrating adequately before workouts, and fully warm up and cool down after each exercise session.
  • Foot or Hand Asleep: Moving your foot in circles or clenching and unclenching your hand should get rid of pins and needles fast.  Shifting position, not crossing your legs for long periods of time, and taking breaks to move around can all prevent you from having a body part fall asleep.
  • Ingrown Hairs: You can stop tweezing, shaving or waxing. Also, as you’re getting ready to shave, gently rubbing your skin with a warm washcloth in a circular motion may help prevent ingrown hairs.
  • Tickly Throat: Most of the time your throat will get better with home remedies like drinking plenty of liquids, gargling with warm salt water, sucking on lozenges and taking over-the-counter pain relievers like acetaminophen. Putting a humidifier in your bedroom can also help.
  • Dry Skin: If your dry skin is caused by environmental factors, using plenty of moisturizer and showering in lukewarm water (rather than hot) will make a big difference.
  • Bloating: Exercise might be the last thing on your mind when your stomach hurts, but a brisk 10- or 15-minute walk can do wonders. If you don’t exercise, your intestines become sluggish, which can lead to cramping and constipation.
  • Pimples: If you try to pop a pimple the wrong way you’re liable to end up with a scar. To remove one properly, cover it with a hot, wet towel for three minutes. Then wrap your fingers in a tissue and gently squeeze the pimple from either side until the fluid runs clear. If it’s a blackhead and doesn’t come out easily, stop and try again later.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

There are lots of jobs one could do in the circus… but having knives thrown at you? Personally, I think it’d be safer to clean the tiger cages!

Around 20 people have applied for the position after an advertisement appeared in a Brighton Job Center. Paul Webb of Cottle and Austen Circus says the ideal candidate must have nerves of steel (not to mention armor plating!). He doesn’t really care who gets the job… there’s no age limit and it can be a man or a woman in the position of “knife thrower’s assistant.” They need to fill the position soon, as the previous target wants to work on different acts with the circus. ***MARLAR: So if you’re tired of being stabbed in the back at the office, you can get stabbed at the circus instead!

 

 

FUN LIST

IF MEN TRULY RAN THE WORLD

  • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get’ em next time” would pretty much do it.
  • Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • The hosts of “The View” would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
  • The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.”
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
  • “Sorry I’m late, but I was out with the guys,” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to spend with the guys. That goes for Mother’s Day too.
  • People in TV commercials would never talk about how fresh they felt.
  • Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that says “You’re #1.”
  • When your wife really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
  • At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. (audio clip)

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Ever feel lightheaded or dizzy from standing up too quickly? 

…According to a new study, you might be more likely to suffer from heart failure.  That lightheaded rush some people experience when they go from lying or sitting to standing up is caused by a rapid drop in blood pressure, and is known as orthostatic hypotension. “Orthostatic hypotension appears to be related to the development of heart failure along with other conditions known to cause heart failure,” study author Dr. Christine DeLong Jones.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only, None On The Weekends)

Do you really need to wash new clothes before you wear them? The Today show asked the question and the verdict is yes. According to Donald Belsito, a professor of dermatology at Columbia University Medical Center, those clean-looking clothes aren’t so clean after all. Belsito, who spoke to The Wall Street Journal about the risks, noted that dyes and formaldehyde resins can spark skin irritation in some or a full-blown allergic reaction in others. But those are far from the only risks. Belsito added: “I have seen cases of lice that were possibly transmitted from trying on in the store, and there are certain infectious diseases that can be passed on through clothing.”

http://www.today.com/home/do-you-need-wash-new-clothes-you-wear-them-verdict-t21801

 

Something is happening that you may not have noticed. According to the Baptist Press, It will affect you. It will affect your church. It will affect the whole nation. What’s happening is a senior adult revolution. Two-thirds of all the men and women who have lived beyond the age of 65 in the entire history of the world are alive today.” Officials note that life expectancy for Americans doubled in the relatively brief history of our nation, creating for the first time “a mass society of healthy, active elders.” And they say the aging population will have a variety of effects on the Christian community, from further magnifying the worship gap to providing more workers for the church and other Christian organizations.

http://www.bpnews.net/44783/looming-senior-adult-revolution-to-impact-nation

 

A group of high school students in Montana needs only a phone call to get out of their final exam this semester. However, that call needs to come from a superstar. If Taylor Swift gives world history teacher Colter Pierce a call, he’ll cancel the final exam for his students. Students made the proposal as a joke but it was a approved by school officials. They posted a picture of the contract along with a request that Taylor Swift make the call. However, at last report, they were still waiting and hoping.

http://7online.com/entertainment/taylor-swift-could-get-students-out-of-exam/740729/

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

You know, this coffee is actually drinkable if you just add a little ranch dressing.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 22, 2015…

 

Poltergeist— Produced by Sam Raimi. It is a remake of the classic horror film about haunting a family. The cast includes Sam Rockwell, Jared Harris, Rosemary DeWitt and Jane Adams. Brings the story up-to-date and the disappearance of a daughter brings terror to the family. I remember the first film and the television set. “Poltergeist” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Tomorrow land (title in Great Britain is “Disney Tomorrowland: A World Beyond“)—Theme Park written all over it…..this movie stars George Clooney as a guy who once went there, and Britt Robertson as the girl who hopes to find it. What? A unique place where inventors live. Travel is with a special brooch. Also in the cast are Hugh Laurie, Thomas Robinson, Tim McGraw and Judy Greer.   “Tomorrowland” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the genre and George Clooney.

 

Slow West (opening in select cities)—Kodi Smit-McPhee comes to America from The British Isles hoping to find his runaway girlfriend.  The Old West is not kind to him and a friendly stranger (the worst kind and played by Michael Fassbender) helps him out.   Just what agenda’s are going on here, anyway?  Cast includes Ben Mendelson and Caron Pistorius.  “Slow West” is rated R. No rating.

 

MAY 29, 2015…

 

Aloha is a romantic comedy with Bradley Cooper and Emma Stone, plus written by Cameron Crowe. About love in the military.

 

San Andreas 3 D is the weekend action film starring Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) as a helicopter rescue pilot trying to find his lost daughter.

 

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.