May 28, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180528
PDF: 20180528

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The boss said he really liked my show yesterday.  And good news – he said a few more like that and I can go home!

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

(Skipping Monday due to the Memorial Day holiday.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. –Psalm 46:10

God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. — John 3:17

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. — Acts 1:8

Thought: Sometimes the most profound truths are very simple. The power to reach the world for Christ involves God’s might through the Holy Spirit, God’s plan of beginning where we are and reaching out to the world, and our willingness to tell others what God has done for us in Jesus.

Prayer: Father of all people, fill us with your powerful Holy Spirit, enable us to be effective in sharing our faith, and motivate us to reach our city, our region, and our world with the Gospel. I still believe, Father, that you desire to do in our day what happened long ago. Make your Name great. Exalt your holiness in the eyes of all people. Use me and the rest of your people to accomplish your will of reaching all nations with the Gospel of grace. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Thessalonians 5:28 NIV = The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

TODAY IS MONDAY – MAY 28, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
210 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL CONTEMPLATE YOUR VICISSITUDES DAY. ***All I can contemplate is, “what the heck are ‘vicissitudes?’”

Today is NATIONAL HAMBURGER DAY. ***Which is a lot more fun to contemplate than vicissitudes.

Today is SLUGS RETURN FROM CAPISTRANO DAY. ***Hey, the swallows gotta eat something!

TODAY IS ALSO…

National Hamburger Day
Sierra Club Day
Slugs Return From Capistrano Day
Memorial Day
Prayer for Peace Memorial Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MAY 29

Learn About Composting Day
Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 30

Loomis Day
Mint Julep Day
National Creativity Day
Shavout
Save Your Hearing Day
National Senior Health & Fitness Day

THURSDAY, MAY 31

Necrotizing Fasciitis Awareness Day
What You Think Upon Grows Day
World MS Day (Multiple Sclerosis)
World No-Tobacco Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 01

Doughnut Day or Donut Day

Global Day of Parents
Heimlich Maneuver Day
Horseradish Days
Hug Your Cat Day
Leave The Office Early Day
Mike, The Headless Chicken Day
National Dare Day
National Nailpolish Day
National Go Barefoot Day
National Olive Day
National Pen Pal Day
Oscar The Grouch Day
Say Something Nice Day
Stand For Children Day
Superman’s Birthday

SATURDAY, JUNE 02

Artichoke Day
Do-Dah Parade Day
Drawing Day or Pencil Day
National Black Bear Day
National Bubba Day
National Bubbly Day
National Gun Violence Awareness Day
National Prairie Day
National Rotisserie Chicken Day
National Trails Day
The Wicket World of Croquet Day
Turtle Races Day
Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 03

Children’s Awareness Memorial Day
Chimborazo Day
National Cancer Survivors Day
Wonder Woman Day

MONDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National SAFE Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
Old Maid’s Day

ON THIS DAY

970 BC: Solomon was born in Israel. He purposely became Israel’s best educated, richest, wisest king. He had more fun, more women, and achieved more good than any king in history. But he decided it was all vain, and that man’s whole duty in life was to honor and obey God.

1888: Charlotte and Hiram Thorpe had a son near Prague, Oklahoma. They named him Wah-tho-huck, meaning “bright path,” but the world would call him Jim. In 1950 the Associated Press called him the outstanding athlete of the first half of the 20th Century. Jim Thorpe was a “half-breed:” his father Sac-and-Fox and Irish, his mother Pottawattamie and French.

1928: Dodge Brothers Incorporated merged with Chrysler Corporation.

1954: President Dwight Eisenhower signed a law that added the words “under God” to the U.S. Pledge of Allegiance.

1957: National League club owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers to move to Los Angeles and the New York Giants to go to San Francisco.

1985: Seattle retiree Gay Mullins founded The Old Cola Drinkers of America, a group determined to bring back the original Coca-Cola. Within two months Coke announced Classic Coke, to be sold in addition to its New Coke.

1986: Participants of Dick Clark’s TV special America Picks the Number One Songs chose Bill Haley’s “Rock Around the Clock,” Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Waters,” and Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long” as the top songs of the rock era.

1989: Actor Gerald McRaney and actress Delta Burke were married.

1991: Eight bandits escaped with over a million dollars from an armored car near Bastia, Corsica. It was the payroll for a regiment of the French Foreign Legion.

1995: The Indonesian Private Radio Association ordered disc jockeys to speak only the national Indonesia language Bahasa.

1996: New York created a new crime, “pre-meditated arbicide,” the willful mistreatment or destruction of trees. Offenders could face a fine of up to $15,000 or a year in prison.

1997: The Danish parliament banned corporal punishment of children by their parents. ***There is no law, however, banning corporal punishment of parents by their children.

2000: Juan Montoya won the 84th Indianapolis 500, becoming the first rookie champion since Graham Hill in 1966.

2002: John and Margaret Majerczyk of Floyd, Iowa, revealed they had a pet buzzard. Buzz sat on a window box each morning waiting for them to come out, then followed them everywhere. Buzz really liked hamburger.

2006: Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants hit his 715th home run to pass Babe Ruth on the career list and move into second place behind Hank Aaron.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

970 BC: Solomon was born in Israel. He purposely became Israel’s best educated, richest, wisest king. He had more fun, more women, and achieved more good than any king in history. But he decided it was all vain, and that man’s whole duty in life was to honor and obey God.

1533: English reformer Thomas Cranmer, Archbishop of Canterbury, declares King Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne Boleyn valid, having earlier approved the king’s divorce of Catherine of Aragon.

1841: Edwin Moody dies, leaving his wife to raise 4-year-old Dwight Lyman and eight other children. D.L. Moody went on to become the leading American evangelist of his generation.

1949: A Communist party congress in Czechoslavkia declares its right to educate children in atheistic Leninism regardless of their parents’ religious views.

1954: President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs a bill adding the words “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Abby Morgan on “Dawson’s Creek,” Loaded, The Narrows) Monica Keena 40 (audio clip)
  • TV’s (“Survivor,” “The View”) Elisabeth Hasselbeck 41 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Sudden Impact, Bronco Billy, Any Which Way But Loose) Sondra Locke 71
  • former New York City mayor/U.S. Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani 74

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1910 : T-Bone Walker

1917 : Papa John Creach (Hot Tuna, Jefferson Starship)

1923 : Gyorgy Ligeti

1931 : Sonny Burgess

1938 : Prince Buster

1943 : Tony Mansfield (Billy J. Kramer with the Dakotas)

1944 : Gary Stewart

1944 : Gladys Knight

1944 : Billy Vera

1945 : John Fogerty (Creedence Clearwater Revival)

1948 : Larry Gatlin (The Gatlin Brothers)

1948 : Ray Laidlan (Lindisfarne)

1949 : Wendy O. Williams (Plasmatics)

1955 : Eddie Jobson (Roxy Music)

1957 : Siouxsie Sioux (Siouxsie and the Banshees)

1962 : Roland Gift (Fine Young Cannibals)

1968 : Kylie Minogue

1970 : Mark Richardson (Skunk Anansie)

1971 : Duncan Zowie Haywood Bowie is born to David Bowie and his wife Angela. Duncan will go on to become the successful film director behind Moon (2009) and Source Code (2011).

1981 : Mark Feehily (Westlife)

1985 : Colbie Caillat

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why is it called a scapegoat?

This term for one who is punished for the misdeeds of others is the result of a mistranslation. The term was coined in 1530 by William Tyndale, who misread the Hebrew word azazel, a wild demon from the desert in the Old Testament to whom the scapegoat was driven forth. It is also mentioned as the place to which the scapegoat was sent on the Day of Atonement. Two goats were chosen and after one was sacrificed, the other was let loose in the wilderness, symbolically carrying away the nation’s sins. This ritual is described in the Avodah. Aaron, as atonement, ‘shall cast lots’ on two goats ‘one for the Lord, and the other for the scapegoat’. Tyndale was not the only one to make this error, a Greek translation of the Old Testament, uses tragos apopompaios, or the goat that is sent out. The Vulgate Bible refers to the second goat as a caper emissarius, or the emissary goat. Coverdale’s 1535 Bible refers to it as a free goat. But it was Tyndale who coined the term scapegoat, or scapegoote as he spelled it. It was not until 1824 that the word acquired its current, wider sense. All prior usages have been in terms of the Leviticus passage. The verb form appeared in 1943.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Skipping Monday due to the Memorial Day holiday.)

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Skipping Monday due to the Memorial Day holiday.)

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE (Skipping Monday due to the Memorial Day holiday.)

OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk had been making defective badminton racquets for his friends so they’d have to keep buying new ones, but now he’s learned that Gruffy is planning on giving Racquet’s niece a present… a new badminton racquet, made by Racquet! So now he’s working feverishly to make a new badminton racquet that is NOT defective so his niece can play in the badminton tournament…

CLOSE: Oh boy – looks like Racquet’s underhandedness is now going to affect not only Sully, Nozzles and Gruffy, but now it will also affect his niece, Rita – and the cute boy skunk, Stinky! And that stinks. None of this would’ve been a problem if he’d just treated his friends right to begin with! Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What would you do if the Department of Motor Vehicles decided you were a woman, rather than a man – despite evidence of the contrary?

A Cedar Rapids, Iowa man recently spent 45 minutes trying to convince the Iowa Department of Transportation that he really was a man! It seems that when Ed Matthews went to the department’s drivers license office to update the address on his license, the clerk noticed that it said “F” for female on his driver’s license. Instead of looking at him and figuring that he was indeed of the male species the clerk informed him that he must show a copy of his birth certificate before the department would change the “F” on his drivers’ license to an “M.” Instead of going through the hassle, Matthews took his new license without any changes and will just stay an “F”.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS WE WOULD NOT KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Can you imagine paying a thief to stop being a thief?

FILE #1: A thief who committed hundreds of hotel burglaries in Britain was paid $6,000 to leave the UK under a new “voluntary repatriation” plan, then was back in Britain stealing again one day later.  ***MARLAR: Wow… it’s like he had no conscience about taking other people’s money!

FILE #2: When a Michigan man let his two dogs out of his house, they began chasing something and ran across his neighbor’s property. When he chased his dogs over the neighbor’s property, he stepped into a fence post hole, fell, and injured himself. So, he decided to sue the property owner for negligence – but he didn’t get very far. The Court dismissed the case saying that since the man was trespassing; the owner of the property was not required to make sure his property was safe from people falling in the hole.

FILE #3: A would-be thief thought he was stealing a bag of cash from a McDonald’s employee at a fast food restaurant in Paris. The burglar approached the night manager as she was locking up and demanded she turn over the bank bag she was carrying. As it turns out, the bag was filled with four dozen left-over Chicken McNuggets the manager was taking home to her dog.  ***MARLAR: Of course the thief was extremely upset. Not only was there no cash in the bag, but there was no honey mustard!

STRANGE LAW: New York passed a law creating the crime of “pre-meditated arbicide,” the willful mistreatment or destruction of trees. Offenders could face a fine of up to $15,000 or a year in prison if they mistreat a tree.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Drug dealers in Memphis, TN are behind bars after a sting operation called “Operation Blue Crush”.

Police say the suspects were so bold they advertised the fact that this was a crack house. When they were open for business, they’d flip an address sign over that read “Crack house”.  We need some language clarification here:  When Captain Kirk and the crew of the Starship Enterprise go out on a five year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, and go where no one has gone before, that’s ‘BOLD’.  When Captain Coke and his crew of Criminal Geniuses go to an abandoned shack in somebody’s neighborhood and put up a “Crack for Sale” sign, that’s just ‘STUPID.’

PHONER PHUN

Let’s say God makes an exception for you alone, and you get to go back in your life and do one-thing over. God gives you one “do-over” in your life… what would it be?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who is called the “Weeping Prophet”?

ANSWER: Jeremiah

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How wide is the Statue of Liberty’s mouth?

ANSWER: Three feet wide

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The average medium size piano has about 230 strings. (True)

2. The hump of a really famished camel may flop over and hang down the side of the body as the fat is used up. (True)

3. Soil that is heated by geysers are now making it possible to produce tomatoes in Iceland. (False – bananas)

4. The country of Fiji is made up of 32 islands. (False – 332 islands)

5. Australians consume the most peanut butter in the world. (False, Americans do)

6. Under National Shuffleboard Association rules, a regulation size shuffleboard disc is six inches in diameter. (True)

7. The ruby red slippers in the movie “The Wizard of Oz’ were size 6b. (True)

8. American’s throw away enough office and writing paper annually to build a wall 4 feet high stretching from New York to Los Angeles. (False – 12 ft high)

9. The Titanic had 14 elevators. (False, it had four. Three in First class and one in Second class)

10. The Gobi desert is about 499,900 square miles. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GARDEN OF _______ FOUND! (EDEN)

BAGHDAD, Iraq –   U.S. military advisors made a startling discovery on the outskirts of this city.  They found Eden!

“I knew it had to come out sooner or later,” Colonel Sara Pentine confirmed. “We found the biblical Garden of Eden.  But that was just the beginning of our amazing discoveries.”

When the military first entered the sun-bleached desert 5 miles north of Baghdad, they got a strange blip on their radioactive mass spectrometer.

“The RMS was showing an extremely small dense object 30 feet underground” Colonel Pentine said, “We called in the hazmat team to dig it up.”

Dressed in radiation-proof uniforms, soldiers began excavating the area. What they discovered seemed harmless enough: The withered remains of an ancient tree.

“The bark looked as if it ha been blasted by lightning. Pentine said. “We dug carefully around the trunk and soon unearthed the skeletal remains of a large snake beside the mass we had been reading.

“The object was red and looked like an apple,” she said.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A young man went to an interview for potential guests on a TV talk show. “What do you do?” the show’s producer asked the young man.

“I imitate birds,” the young man answered.

“What?” grunted the producer. “People who imitate birds are a dime a dozen. We can’t use you.”

“Okay,” replied the disappointed young man. And he flapped his arms and flew out the window.

JOKE #2

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew, occasionally walking around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl casually replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

JOKE #3

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and the six year old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, agreed to drive her if she’d direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn.

This went on for 20 minutes — yet when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. Asked why she’d led the father over such a circuitous route, the child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, and it’s the only way I know.”

USELESS FACTS

People drank gold powder mixed in with water in medieval Europe to relieve pain from sore limbs. ***Wouldn’t it have been smarter to take that gold and buy some Ibuprofen?

During WWII, because a lot of players were called to duty, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles combined to become The Steagles.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE LORD’S PRAYER

A four year old girl was learning to say the Lord’s Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

The most unusual weapon ever used in a convenience store robbery… lack of oxygen!

While most crooks hold up stores with guns or knives or other weapons, Ralph Simpson thought he had an innovative “weapon” to rob a New Mexico convenience store. He walked into the store and threatened to hold his breath, until he passed out. He reasoned that he could then sue the store for injuries unless the clerk handed over the cash. The clerk refused and allowed Simpson to hold his breath. When he realized it wasn’t working, Simpson ran out of the store only to bump into a police officer coming in for a cup of coffee! To make the punishment fit the crime, Simpson will have to go sit in the corner and think about what a bad boy he is.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE 2ND TEN COMMANDMENTS

Thou shall not worry;
for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

Thou shall not be fearful;
for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them;
for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

Thou shall face each problem as it comes;
you can only handle one at a time anyway.

Thou shall not take problems to bed with you;
for they make very poor bedfellows.

Thou shall not borrow other people’s problems;
they can better care for them than you can.

Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone;
concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now.

Thou shall be a good listener;
for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. (It’s hard to learn something new when you’re talking.)

Thou shall not become “bogged down” by frustration;
for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive actions.

Thou shall count thy blessings;
never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Psalm 46: 10. Be still, and know that I am God…
That’s a difficult thing to do, don’t you think? Be still, and know that I am God…

After you have done everything to equip yourself, “Stand firm.” Perseverance is much more than endurance. Perseverance carries with it the assurance and certainty that what we are praying for will happen.

You might be saying, “But I prayed and prayed for my loved one, and they passed on anyway.” And the thoughts always comes back, “What didn’t I do, Lord?” “Did I not have the faith to believe?” And a hundred other questions seem to plague your heart with doubt.

Like Job, your friends will surround you and offer their condolences and help, but your answers must come from God. Your peace must come in the arms of a loving Lord. No friend, however close, can possibly answer your questions. Then one day, in an instant, the Lord gives that peace. The peace that assures that your loved one is truly in a better

place.

Be still. . .wait on the Lord. . .stand firm. . .and persevere.

LEFTOVERS

A custody battle… over cats?

A US woman has been jailed for failing to give up custody of her three cats in a bitter divorce battle. Lynn Goldstein was given 30 days behind bars because she repeatedly defied a court order to hand over the cats to her ex-partner Tom Nichols. Judge Jerry Bowles passed the sentence on Goldstein after ordering she could keep the couple’s three dogs and a rabbit called Mr Bobo. “This is like a bad dream,” said Goldstein from jail. “Everyone who has checked me through the system has looked at me and said, ‘He gave you 30 days over two cats?’ The cats are like my children. I’ve never had children. They’re not two-legged children, but I’ve always been an animal crusader. I love my pets like they’re children.”  ***MARLAR: Sure – keeping your children from their father and hiding them in businesses for days at a time to disobey a court order… that’s GREAT parenting.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO GET RID OF ANNOYING BODY PROBLEMS (from Anne Harding, msn.com)

They may not be life-threatening, but hiccups, blisters, ingrown hairs and other body bothers can be painful, embarrassing and just plain annoying.  How do you get rid of them?

  • Waterlogged Ears: Tilt your head and find an angle that will let the water drain out. Holding a hair dryer a few inches from your ear can also dry up the fluid, but be sure to use the gentlest setting.

  • Hiccups: Well-worn remedies, like drinking a glass of water upside down or holding your breath, can help. Many of these cures actually seem to work by disrupting your breathing cycle in a way that allows the diaphragm to relax and stop its hiccup-causing spasms.

  • Dry Mouth: Drink more water. Chewing sugar-free gum or sucking on sugarless hard candy can also help. Reduce your caffeine intake, and if you smoke, quit. You can also try moisturizing rinses, sprays and gels.

  • Blisters: The best thing you can do for your blister is leave it alone!  Blisters can get infected easily, and this is why we don’t want you to pop them unless they are really big.  If you must pop a blister, make sure your hands are clean, use a sterile needle to let the fluid out, and don’t remove the flap of skin covering the blister.

  • Sneezing Fits: If you regularly have sneezing fits, you need to think carefully about when they happen and what you might be allergic to.  Dust, pollen and animal dander are the most common causes.

  • Stiff neck: Be aware of your posture. If you work in an office, make sure your desk, chair, computer keyboard and monitor are positioned to let you work comfortably.

  • Chapped Lips: Licking your lips can make it worse. Frequent applications of lip balm will shield the delicate skin of your lips and help them heal. Dermatologists recommend using a balm with built-in sun protection and staying away from ingredients such as eucalyptus or camphor, which can dry out your lips.

  • Charley Horse: A charley horse every now and then isn’t cause for concern.  Try eating more foods with potassium, like avocados and bananas.  Be sure you’re hydrating adequately before workouts, and fully warm up and cool down after each exercise session.

  • Foot or Hand Asleep: Moving your foot in circles or clenching and unclenching your hand should get rid of pins and needles fast.  Shifting position, not crossing your legs for long periods of time, and taking breaks to move around can all prevent you from having a body part fall asleep.

  • Ingrown Hairs: You can stop tweezing, shaving or waxing. Also, as you’re getting ready to shave, gently rubbing your skin with a warm washcloth in a circular motion may help prevent ingrown hairs.

  • Tickly Throat: Most of the time your throat will get better with home remedies like drinking plenty of liquids, gargling with warm salt water, sucking on lozenges and taking over-the-counter pain relievers like acetaminophen. Putting a humidifier in your bedroom can also help.

  • Dry Skin: If your dry skin is caused by environmental factors, using plenty of moisturizer and showering in lukewarm water (rather than hot) will make a big difference.

  • Bloating: Exercise might be the last thing on your mind when your stomach hurts, but a brisk 10- or 15-minute walk can do wonders.  If you don’t exercise, your intestines become sluggish, which can lead to cramping and constipation.

  • Pimples: If you try to pop a pimple the wrong way you’re liable to end up with a scar. To remove one properly, cover it with a hot, wet towel for three minutes. Then wrap your fingers in a tissue and gently squeeze the pimple from either side until the fluid runs clear. If it’s a blackhead and doesn’t come out easily, stop and try again later.

JUST FOR FUN

There are lots of jobs one could do in the circus… but having knives thrown at you? Personally, I think it’d be safer to clean the tiger cages!

Around 20 people have applied for the position after an advertisement appeared in a Brighton Job Center. Paul Webb of Cottle and Austen Circus says the ideal candidate must have nerves of steel (not to mention armor plating!). He doesn’t really care who gets the job… there’s no age limit and it can be a man or a woman in the position of “knife thrower’s assistant.” They need to fill the position soon, as the previous target wants to work on different acts with the circus. ***MARLAR: So if you’re tired of being stabbed in the back at the office, you can get stabbed at the circus instead!

FUN LIST

IF MEN TRULY RAN THE WORLD

  • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get’ em next time” would pretty much do it.

  • Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

  • Garbage would take itself out.

  • The hosts of “The View” would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

  • The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.”

  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.

  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

  • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

  • “Sorry I’m late, but I was out with the guys,” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to spend with the guys. That goes for Mother’s Day too.

  • People in TV commercials would never talk about how fresh they felt.

  • Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that says “You’re #1.”

  • When your wife really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

  • At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. (audio clip)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Ever feel lightheaded or dizzy from standing up too quickly? 

…According to a new study, you might be more likely to suffer from heart failure.  That lightheaded rush some people experience when they go from lying or sitting to standing up is caused by a rapid drop in blood pressure, and is known as orthostatic hypotension. “Orthostatic hypotension appears to be related to the development of heart failure along with other conditions known to cause heart failure,” study author Dr. Christine DeLong Jones.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Skipping Monday due to the Memorial Day holiday.)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Skipping Monday due to the Memorial Day holiday.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Skipping Monday due to the Memorial Day holiday.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

You know, this radio station coffee is actually drinkable if you just add a little ranch dressing.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 25, 2018…

Solo: A Star Wars Story—Here it comes, “Star Wars” fans, the background story of Han Solo (with regards to Harrison Ford). The prequel, ten years before Han meets Luke Skywalker, stars newcomer Aiden Ehrenreich as Han Solo, with Joonas Suotamo as Chewbacca and Donald Glover as Lando Calrissian. New are Han’s partner, Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke from “Game of Thrones”), and Lando’s partner, a droid L3-37 (Phoebe Waller-Bridge.) Woody Harrelson is also in the cast as Tobias, a mentor to Han. In this time period, Han washes out of the Academy and is headed for a life of crime, trying to prove himself to the other side. Things don’t always go as planned, and Han seems torn between making friends or making enemies. Oh, yes, the Falcon is there, too. “Solo” is directed by Ron Howard and has a sense of wanting to be free.  Don’t we all?  “Solo: A Star Wars Story” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans already lining up at the box office. Enjoy.

Mary Shelley (opening in select cities) —This romantic historical drama set in the early 19th century, stars Elle Fanning as Mary Shelley, who wrote the classic novel, considered a masterpiece,  “Frankenstein” when she was eighteen. It came about during a love affair at that time. Based on fact. Also, in the cast are Douglas Booth and Bel Powery. “Mary Shelley” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Future World—James Franco stars in this film about an Earth after a global disaster and how to live with no water or gasoline. Memories of “Road Warrior” here. Also, in the cast is Lucy Liu. “Future World” is rated R. No rating.

JUNE 01, 2018…

A Kid Like Jake is a story of a family who realizes their child is trans-gender. Stars Claire Danes.

Adrift has Shailene Woodley as part of a group who find themselves in dire straits after a massive hurricane.

Upgrade is a science fiction film about trying to escape a computer-generated life. Stars Logan Marshall-Green.

Action Point stars Johnny Knoxville as a man who owns a decrepit amusement park. Comedy and expect base humor.

American Animals is based on a true-life event about college students trying to steal rare books. Stars Evan Peters.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.