May 29, 2015: Friday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150529

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – the daily radio show made especially for the sort of person who likes this kind of stuff… more or less.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities — his eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.  –Romans 1:20 New International Version

 

I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given to me — the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace. — Acts 20:24

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Boldly and without hindrance he preached the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ. — Acts 28:31

 

Thought: So often, we give excuses why we can’t do evangelism. Throughout his life, Paul shows us how lame our excuses really are! He is under house arrest and having to support himself, yet he still manages to get the Gospel out to the lost!

 

Prayer: Loving and Almighty God, forgive my excuses and my fear. Please make me bold to share your saving truth in the Gospel. May all who know me also come to know more about Jesus through me! In his precious name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Deuteronomy 5:29 NIV = Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MAY 29, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 211 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

Today is SQUOOSH AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH DAY. ***MARLAR: No, not SQUISH, but SQUOOSH. There’s a difference. There’s more “Oos” in “squoosh.” I’m not sure how that helps, but there ya go. I will say that I’m a firm believer in the squooshing of just about anything. I figure the smaller you can make it, the less the calories that’ll fit in it.

 

Today is NATIONAL LOVEY DOVEY DAY. ***MARLAR: Maybe you can squoosh your lovey dovey.

 

Today is LAZY BONES DAY in Belgium. ***MARLAR: Known here at (THE JOCK SHOW) as “Friday.”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Bats Day

Hug Your Cat Day

Learn About Composting Day

International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers ***No wonder the UN can’t keep peace in the world, they’re only working one day out of the year!

Put a Pillow On Your Fridge Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, MAY 30

Loomis Day

Mint Julep Day

The Wicket World of Croquet Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 31

What You Think Upon Grows Day

World No-Tobacco Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 01

Global Day of Parents

Heimlich Maneuver Day

National Go Barefoot Day

National Leave The Office Early Day

National Thank God It’s Monday Day

Oscar The Grouch Day

Say Something Nice Day

Stand For Children Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 02

National Bubba Day

Yell “Fudge” at The Cobras in North America Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 03

Chimborazo Day

National Running Day

National Tailors Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity to Hope Day

International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression

Old Maid’s Day

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 05

Apple II Day

Doughnut Day

Festival of Popular Delusions Day

Horseradish Days

Hot Air Balloon Day

National Moonshine Day

Positive Power of Humor and Creativity Days

World Environment Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1837: Musician Charles Fry was born in England. He and his three sons formed the first Salvation Army brass band. He composed, “Lily of the Valley.”

 

1848: Wisconsin became the 30th U.S. state. (audio clip)

 

1856: During a speech in Bloomington, Illinois, Abraham Lincoln said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” ***MARLAR: And you can’t fool Mom.

 

1912: The Ladies Home Journal fired 15 women employees for doing the “Turkey Trot” during their lunch hour. ***MARLAR: Isn’t turkey trots what you get from eating bad turkey?

 

1917: The 35th U.S. president, John F. Kennedy, was born in Brookline, Massachusetts.

 

1919: Charles Strite patented the pop-up toaster.

 

1942: Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers, and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra recorded Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” in Los Angeles for Decca Records, one of history’s most successful recordings.

 

1952: Singer Hank Williams and his wife Audrey were divorced. Their son Randall, later known as Hank Jr., was three years old.

 

1959: Herndon Stadium in Atlanta hosted one of rock’s first outdoor festivals, featuring Ray Charles, B.B. King, Jimmy Reed, and others. Some 9,000 attended.

 

1971: The Rolling Stones’ single “Brown Sugar” his #1 in the U.S.

 

1980: Larry Bird edged out Magic Johnson to be named the NBA’s Rookie of the Year.

 

1987: Singer Michael Jackson bid $50,000 for the body of John Merrick, “The Elephant Man,” but it wasn’t enough.

 

2001: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled disabled golfer Casey Martin could use a cart to participate in tournaments.

 

2003: A father in Guangming, China, underwent successful marrow transplant surgery after his 12-year-old daughter gained 33 pounds in two months to be able to safely donate the marrow. Zhang Wanqing was the only suitable blood match for her father, who was suffering from leukemia.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1453: Constantinople, capital of Eastern Christianity since Constantine founded it in 324, falls to the Turks under Muhammad II, ending the Byzantine Empire. Muslims rename the city Istanbul and turn its lavish cathedral, Hagia Sophia, into a mosque.

 

1546: In retaliation for the execution of Reformation preacher George Wishart, Scottish Protestants murder Cardinal David Beaton in St. Andrews. John Knox, who was not part of the assassination plot, went on to lead the Scottish Reformation.

 

1660: England’s King Charles II triumphantly enters London, marking the full restoration of the monarchy. Though he promised religious liberty, he cracked down on Dissenters (including John Bunyan) following a 1661 attempt by religous fanatics to overthrow him.

 

1874: English essayist, poet, and writer G.K. Chesterton is born in London. The 400-pound man was occasionally absent-minded, but brilliant. He loved paradoxes, which he called “supreme assertions of truth,” and used them often in his writing. Poet T.S. Eliot credited him with doing “more than any man in his time . . . to maintain the existence of the [Christian] minority in the modern world.” Chesterton converted from Anglicanism to Roman Catholicism in 1922.

 

1954: Pope Pius X is canonized. Of simple peasant origins, he was marked by zeal and piety: “we have no other program in the Supreme Pontificate but that of restoring all things in Christ.”

 

1967: Pope Paul VI names 27 new cardinals, including then-archbishop of Krakow, Poland, Karol Wojtyla, later to be Pope John Paul II.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Blair on “The Facts of Life”) Lisa Whelchel 52 (audio clip)
  • actor (My Best Friend’s Wedding, Inspector Gadget, Separate Lies, the voice of Prince Charming in the Shrek movies) Rupert Everett 56
  • actress (Open Range, American Beauty, The American President, The Siege, Regarding Henry) Annette Bening 57
  • actor (Luke on “General Hospital”) Tony Geary 68 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1860 : Isaac Albéniz

1903 : Bob Hope

1936 : Sylvia Vanderpool (Mickey & Sylvia)

1941 : Roy Crewsdon (Freddie and the Dreamers)

1942 : Sir Monti Rock III (Disco Tex & The Sex-O-Lettes)

1945 : Gary Brooker (Procol Harum)

1950 : Rebbie Jackson

1950 : Joey Levine (The Ohio Express, Third Rail, Reunion)

1955 : Danny Elfman (Oingo Boingo)

1955 : Mike Procaro (Toto)

1956 : Larry Blackmon (Cameo)

1958 : Marie Fredriksson (Roxette)

1959 : Mel Gaynor (Simple Minds)

1960 : Jesse Johnson (The Time)

1961 : Melissa Etheridge (Melissa Lou Etheridge)

1967 : Noel Gallagher (Oasis)

1969 : Chad Kinchla (Blues Traveler)

1975 : Melanie Brown (The Spice Girls)

1976 : Dave Buckner (Formerly of Papa Roach)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What, exactly, is an itch?

We don’t exactly know. We visit the planets, map the human genome, and split the atom. But an itch is still largely that which you scratch, one of medicine’s last frontiers.  It’s a stimulus affecting the nerve endings between the dermis and epidermis; scientists liken it to a form of pain. But that’s neither here nor there. It’s usually caused by histamine released in the epidermis. Scratching stops it, either by interfering with the nerve impulses or by temporarily damaging the nerves themselves. That’s it.  So if you would like to make your mark in medicine, investigate the itch. But you won’t get much help from research so far. You’ll just have to start from scratch.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Do you agree or disagree with Francesca Battistelli? She tweeted: I submit to the world that there is not much cuter than a 2.5-year-old singing “My Favorite Things” and spinning around in a nightgown!

 

Think you have what it takes to write great worship songs. A recent blog from Third Day’s Mark Lee has some tips. He shared two tips as part of the blog Where do your ideas come from? Mark said (1) Write every morning, write fast and furious, and don’t worry about editing and (2) write on schedule, using two or three blocks of time each week.

 

On one recent concert trip Matt Maher found a stowaway in one of his boots. While unpacking at his first concert stop Matt found one of his daughters dolls in the boot, left there to keep him company while he travels. Matt says having a growing daughter is providing a new reality.

 

 

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer says he may have just screamed like a girl. He was sitting alone in his kitchen eating some toast late at night while watching X-Files when a giant owl to fly right up to his window. He even shared a picture of the owl perched out side his window after his heart rate returned to normal.

 

A suggestion from the members of the Rhett Walker Band as they prepared to go frog gigging one night this week: Hey Underarmour. When will we see an Underarmer gigging line? Who knows, it might be the next big thing.

 

Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman was recently asked: Do you ever feel like your songwriting is a weapon? Jon’s reply was: I feel like good songwriting has a strength and camouflage-like subtlety – certainly more powerful than law or ammo.

 

Brandon Bagby recently had one of his drawings come full circle. The Audio Adrenaline guitarist shared a picture of a stamp on an envelop he had just received, a stamp he designed and had made available on the web site zazzle.com. Brandon tweeted: Always fun when you receive a card in the mail with your artwork on the stamp.

 

Mercyme’s Barry Graul is riding in the 2015 Nashville Tour de Cure this weekend to help raise money to stop Diabetes. Barry shared online: I am committed to ride and raise money in this inspirational event not because 29 million people in the United States have diabetes, but because I personally know some of them, and I want to do something about it.

 

Natalie Grant has a deal with her daughters. She told them that, because it’s summer, they get to stay up a little later at night. But the deal is that it’s not for technology time, it’s for reading time.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Judge dismisses case from Ohio pair trying to keep pet bear
MEDINA, Ohio (AP) — A judge has dismissed a civil case by a northeast Ohio couple who want to keep their toothless, 41-year-old black bear despite not getting a required state permit. A Medina (meh-DY’-nuh) County judge ruled the court could have jurisdiction to consider an injunction if the…

 

Oh, brother: Twins charged with hurling bricks at each other
ORANGE CITY, Fla. (AP) — What are a few bricks between brothers? Well, they’re worth battery charges for twin 52-year-olds after officials say an argument ended with them hurling the projectiles at each other. HASH(0x1414620) According to a police report, Michael Remelius followed through,…
Wife, husband say they hit back-to-back holes-in-one
GRAND LEDGE, Mich. (AP) — A wife and husband from Michigan say they both got a hole-in-one in consecutive shots at the same hole. HASH(0x140bd80) The newspaper says two golfers who didn’t know the Blundys verified the back-to-back holes-in-one. According to contest prize insurer National…
Oops: Israeli Burning Man festival torches ancient remains
JERUSALEM (AP) — The Israeli Antiquities Authority says revelers at a Burning Man festival famous for its pyrotechnic spectacles have accidentally torched some remnants of prehistoric man. Archaeologist Yoram Haimi says organizers of Midburn, an Israeli affiliate of the Nevada carnival,…
Village cites resident for having beehives without a permit
MONTEBELLO, N.Y. (AP) — A New York man is battling his village after he was issued citations for having beehives on his property. Zev Oster says he keeps two beehives on his Rockland County property in Montebello to pollinate 50 blueberry bushes. The 39-year-old man says he was ticketed for…
Police: Steven Tyler not really doing a strawberry farm show
WEST WINDSOR, N.J. (AP) — Police have alerted residents of a New Jersey township that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler will not be performing at a small pick-your-own strawberry farm. HASH(0x1410290) Farm owner Wayne Kalinowski says he was tipped to the problem when a woman wanted to know more…
Man acquitted of animal cruelty for blowing pot smoke
CHICAGO (AP) — A judge has acquitted a Chicago man of animal cruelty charges filed after the man posted a video of himself smoking marijuana with a chameleon. After viewing the video and hearing the arguments of prosecutors and defense attorneys, Cook County Circuit Judge Robert Kuzas ruled…
Polish police search for man who entered bear enclosure
WARSAW, Poland (AP) — Polish authorities are searching for a man who tangled with a bear at Warsaw’s zoo and escaped, leaving traces of his blood behind. Maria Krakowiak, head of the animals of prey section at the Warsaw zoo, said Thursday the man hasn’t been found after his dangerous stunt…
Illinois couple welcomes their 100th grandchild    photo
QUINCY, Ill. (AP) — A western Illinois couple recently celebrated the birth of their 100th grandchild. Leo and Ruth Zanger of Quincy have 53 grandchildren, 46 great-grandchildren and one great-great-grandchild. The birth of great-grandson Jaxton Leo on April 8 made the number 100….
Ohio man posts message on his SUV: ‘Got kidney? I need 1’    photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — A man in need of a kidney donor is taking his search on the road in unusual fashion, with bright yellow letters taped to the rear window of his SUV. The message on Neal Raisman’s silver-blue vehicle reads: “Got kidney? I need 1.” It includes a phone number for interested…
3 burglars share tips of trade in crime prevention video    photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Police looking to educate the public about ways to prevent break-ins turned to the experts — a trio of convicted burglars. The Columbus Police Department recruited the inmates with the help of the state prisons agency and produced a YouTube video in which the…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

First hearing in House lawsuit over Obama health law
WASHINGTON (AP) — Obama administration attorneys are urging a federal judge to throw out an election-year lawsuit by House Republicans over the president’s health care law. Attorneys for the House counter that their unusual suit deals with critically important issues related to the separation…

 

NIH: Major study finds earlier HIV treatment improves health    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A major international study sought to settle how soon is best to start HIV treatment — and the advice is don’t delay. People who started anti-AIDS drugs while their immune system was strong were far less likely to develop AIDS or other serious illnesses than if they…
Shocking ads ignite debate about abortion ban in Chile    photo
SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) — The video shows a woman climbing a stairwell, her belly visibly pregnant, as she offers suggestions: Make sure there are no security cameras. Be careful not to look down or you might regret it. She tumbles backward as the screen goes black. “When you reach the bottom…
Pentagon: Military mistakenly shipped live anthrax samples
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said Wednesday it is investigating what the Pentagon called an inadvertent shipment of live anthrax spores to government and commercial laboratories in as many as nine states, as well as one overseas, that expected to receive…
French, US biochemists win top Spanish prize for science
MADRID (AP) — Biochemists Emmanuelle Charpentier from France and Jennifer Doudna from the United States have been awarded Spain’s Princess of Asturias scientific research award for their work in biotechnology. The award foundation said in a statement Thursday that the “revolutionary” work of…
US high court: California county drug disposal law stands
OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) — The U.S. Supreme Court is letting a Northern California county’s drug disposal law stand, paving the way for similar ordinances elsewhere. The court refused to hear the pharmaceutical industry’s challenge to an Alameda County program that requires drug companies to pay…
Study reveals flaws in gene testing; results often conflict    photo
The first report from a big public-private project to improve genetic testing reveals it is not as rock solid as many people believe, with flaws that result in some people wrongly advised to worry about a disease risk and others wrongly told they can relax. Researchers say the study shows the need…
Health law court case winner could be political loser    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The party that wins the impending Supreme Court decision on President Barack Obama’s health care law could be the political loser. If the Republican-backed challenge to the law’s subsidies for lower-earning Americans prevails, the GOP would have achieved a paramount goal of…
UN: Fewer hungry people in the world despite wars, poverty
ROME (AP) — The number of hungry people around the world has dropped to 795 million from over a billion a quarter-century ago despite natural disasters, ongoing conflicts and poverty, the three U.N. food agencies said Wednesday. Countries in East Asia, Latin America and the Caribbean showed…
Man diagnosed with Lassa fever dies in US after Liberia trip
NEW YORK (AP) — A New Jersey man died Monday evening after been diagnosed with Lassa fever — a frightening infectious disease from West Africa that is rarely seen in the United States, a federal health official said. The man recently returned from Liberia, arriving at New York City’s…
Quadruplets born to 65-year-old mom still in critical phase    photo
BERLIN (AP) — Doctors say the week-old quadruplets born prematurely to 65-year-old Annegret Raunigk in Berlin are still in intensive care, but have been gaining a little weight and are being given their mother’s milk through feeding tubes. The babies were born during the 26th week of…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A bride in England was left devastated on her big day after cutting into her wedding cake to find it had gone moldy.  ***Even worse, green didn’t go with any of the colors she had chosen for her wedding.

 

A farmer with a stomachache ended up having hundreds of coins, nails and several other objects removed from his belly. Rajpal Singh of Punjab, India went to the hospital, where an endoscopy revealed hundreds of objects inside his stomach. In multiple operations, doctors removed 140 coins, 150 nails and a handful of nuts, bolts and batteries.  *** And a word of warning, kids – this is NOT how Tony Stark became Iron Man!

 

A German police officer was relieved recently after his bullet-proof vest prevented him from being seriously injured when he was charged by a rampaging cow. The animal had fled its pasture and ran toward the center of town. While trying to capture the cow, a construction worker, two police officers and two residents were slightly injured. After two and a half hours, the animal was stunned by a veterinarian and killed by a butcher at the direction of the owner.  ***And after all of that running, the cow can now be sold as “Lean Beef”.

 

A cow that escaped a slaughterhouse was spotted wandering around Cincinnati Wednesday morning. The cow left Tri State Beef Company at about 11 a.m. and was spotted in the west side of the city. Police spokeswoman Tiffaney Hardy says the cow “got confused and it ended up going up the Western Hills Viaduct onto Queen City.” Hardy adds that the cow “was kind of nervous.” Tri State Beef trailed the cow and ended up shooting and killing it near a McDonald’s.  ***There are so many potential punchlines for this one, I’ll just let you imagine your own.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

New research shows that boys, just like girls, are experiencing younger and younger puberty.  ***MARLAR: In fact, some southern states like Arkansas will be voting on whether or not to lower the legal marrying age from 12 to 10.

 

Students in the UK have developed a brand new shopping cart. The intelligent carts will be able to guide you down the aisles, bring you right to your favorite products and keep the children content with a radio and computer games. The cart was designed by students at a school in Dorset, South West England.  The new shopping cart features a screen on the drive bar displaying a map of the store with a “you are here” pointer.  ***MARLAR: Yeah, yeah… big deal.  Were they able to make a cart without that crooked wheel?

 

Starbucks is known for delicious, high-quality, slightly overpriced coffees. Dunkin’ Donuts is known for delicious, high-quality, average priced coffees. And now America has chosen a favorite. In a survey, 43% chose Starbucks coffee and 36% chose Dunkin’.   ***MARLAR: The remaining 21% were smart enough to go somewhere other than Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts in order to not spend a fortune on a cup of coffee.

 

Most Americans think they have a healthy diet — but many of them need to eat their words.  People are trying to eat right, but a lot are getting it wrong, according to a new Consumer Reports poll. A whopping 89.7 percent of those surveyed rated their own diet as “somewhat” (52.6 percent), “very” (31.5 percent) or “extremely” (5.6 percent) healthy. But a mere 28 percent said they limit sweets and sugar every day, and 26 percent said they curbed fat consumption daily, according to the poll.  When it comes to vegetables, the poll found that the five most popular — those eaten at least once a week — are lettuce or salad greens, tomatoes, carrots, potatoes (other than sweet potatoes) and broccoli.  The top five on the poll’s list of “wallflower” veggies — those that respondents said they rarely or never eat — are parsnips, Swiss chard, bokchoy, turnips or rutabagas and artichokes.  ***MARLAR: The study indicates that for most people, their normal dietary habits are so bad they’d probably be better off eating a printout of the dietary study.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Zero Location on Phone”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Animal Rights Activists”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was so obsessed with finding a place on earth that had not even heard of his arch nemesis, Steve Mozart, that he had Jean Claude the flying squirrel fly him to Siberia. Unfortunately, Steve Mozart is huge there… so off they fly again to places unknown…

 

CLOSE: All of that flying around the world for nothing! Millard is never going to get away from Steve Mozart. Now that he’s come to that realization, will he also give up trying to be better than Mozart, or will he finally discover a way to beat him at something… anything? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 30/31, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals had really busy schedules – so busy in fact that not only did they not have time to get everything done, but they didn’t have time even to plan what they had to do! They didn’t even have time for campfire meetings – and now, no time to even talk to each other!

 

CLOSE: It’s no wonder they’re so exhausted – they’ve been working so hard and so long without sleep! But now how will they get everything done on their schedules? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

One man gets wired… literally!

An unidentified Ohio man recently walked in to a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead! He calmly asked police to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. According to the officers, the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try to find his missing brain. ***MARLAR: Signs that he truly doesn’t have a brain = A) He drilled a hole in his head.  B) He walked into a police station instead of a hospital for an X-ray.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN FUTURE INVENTIONS TO LOOK FORWARD TO

 

  1. The Top Eleven List.

 

  1. The breakthrough new Fat Burner pill that really works!

 

  1. Always-lands-butter-side-up sliced bread.

 

  1. More convenient, easy to use, child-friendly pill bottles.

 

  1. The mind-reading automatic turn-signal

 

  1. The Monday to Wednesday work week

 

  1. X-ray Specs that really work!

 

  1. Lead Underwear- for when they invent X-ray Specs that really work

 

  1. Memory cloth clothing reverts to folded configuration after being exposed to “medium high” heat for 7-10 minutes.

 

  1. Those flying cars we were supposed to get back in the year 2000! (audio clip)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A true gentleman mugger has been sentenced to jail despite his elderly victim’s pleas for him to be let off because he was so polite…

 

FILE #1: …The victim told the court in Salzburg, Austria, that she had not come across such a well mannered criminal in a long time. The man grabbed the old woman’s bag and ran off but returned when he noticed she had fallen to the ground. She actually said, “When he saw me fall, he came back. Criminals just don’t do that any more.”  (What?  You mean, at one time they DID stop to help their victims?!?!)  She went on to say, “He was very neat and well mannered and asked me not to report him. He said he was really sorry, but was just desperate for money.” Nevertheless, the 27-year-old polite punk got two-and-a-half years.

 

FILE #2: A man with an unusual name tried to cash a stolen check at a Dallas Western Union outlet. The name was so unusual it made the clerk suspicious. A thief presented a stolen check for almost $750 to clerk Mark Spain. The check was made out to “Roadway Express”. The man claimed that his first name was Roadway and his last name was Express. He even went so far as to having a fake I.D. card made saying his name was Roadway Express. The skeptical clerk told him to hold on and went back into the office and made a phone call. A quick check with Roadway Express trucking company revealed that they had a check stolen for that exact same amount. Police soon arrested the man — real name Anthony Jackson — who was a dock worker for, you guessed it – Roadway Express.

 

FILE #3: Raymond Green was charged with breaking and entering even though he didn’t steal anything. Apparently, Raymond had a friend who wanted to have his head shaved. For some reason, he didn’t feel that his own living room was the right place to do the job, he decided that his friend’s head could be better shaved on the front porch of a nearby house. Only one problem–it was dark. So Raymond simply let himself into the house to turn on the porch light. Unfortunately for him the residents were home at the time and they called the cops. No word on whether the buddy ever got his head shaved.

 

STRANGE LAW: There’s a hot market in used bridges in the U. S. A 15-year- old federal law requires states to offer for sale any bridge with historical or architectural value before tearing it down. Pennsylvania has sold 300 of them.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A real life game of Hide & Seek goes wrong for the bad guy.

Mitchel Travis Welsh, being held on drug and grand theft auto charges, made a break for it at a courthouse and was able to elude bailiffs and jump into a waiting vehicle. For two days he was on the run. Sort of.  Anyone who has ever played hide and seek will tell you, it’s all about the hiding spot. That’s why deputies were stunned to find him hiding out at his own apartment.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Your boss walks in today at 9am and says, “Take the rest of the day off, with pay!” What would you do with the rest of your day?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What two women brought about the execution of John the Baptist?

ANSWER: Herodias and her daughter. (Mark 6:25-27)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Most every other country in the world has one, but Iceland does not. What do they not have?

ANSWER: An army.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Actor George Clooney once tried out for the Cleveland Indians professional baseball team when he was 21. (False – Cincinnati Reds. He didn’t make the team.)

 

  1. The shortest British monarch was Charles I, who was 4 feet 9 inches. (True)

 

  1. Elizabeth 1st suffered from a fear of grass. (False, she had a fear of roses – or anthophobia)

 

  1. Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed. (True)

 

  1. All 17 children of Queen Anne died before her. (True)

 

  1. King Louis XIX ruled France for 15 minutes. (True)

 

  1. There is a church in Spain that allows worshippers to make donations via a credit card terminal. (True)

 

  1. The people of the United States eat more cheese than any other country in the world. (False, France is at the top)

 

  1. There’s a place called “Y” in France. (True. Why not!)

 

  1. One Neptune year equals 165 Earth years. (True. Neptune orbits the Sun every 164.79 years)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE! (FACEBOOK)

Rumors are once again circulating that Facebook is on the brink of… total collapse!

Some are speculating that the demise of Facebook will bring down the entire U.S. economy and all the world financial markets.  Some on Wall Street are saying it could be worse than the Great Depression.  “We may be heading back to 1850,” said one Wall Street trader.

Facebook’s in trouble, that’s what. Now in the crosshairs of public scrutiny, everybody’s taking potshots. And the warnings are just beginning. Everything from Facebook being “too big to fail or succeed” to a Chicago attorney warning that the stock could “crater” if Facebook can’t grow revenues 41% annually for five years to “sustain its value” to a warning that Facebook’s one of the “black swans” that could eventually bring down the global economy.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, “You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back.”

With that, he responded, “Well, it’s not even my ladder. It’s my dad’s.”

 

JOKE #2

“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,” said Mary, the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”

“I love the fact that you take really good care of me,” said Dave with a smile and added, “by the way, what are we having for breakfast?”

Mary replied, “I told you… toast and juice!”

 

JOKE #3

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, “Nah, dogs can’t do dishes.” The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, “Nah, cats can’t do the ironing.”

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, “This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!”

“OK,” the man thought, “I’ll give it a try,” so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away.

“Great,” thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless.

“Wow,” thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. “Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper,” he told the centipede, and off it went.

Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn’t returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede.

“Hey, whatcha’ doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?”

“Hold on a minute!” said the centipede, “I’m still putting on my boots!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Clarence Stucki recently called the local power company to report a power outage before he realized that he might as well have turned himself in. You see, Clarence wired up a bypass in order to get free electricity and his plan worked for some 60 years. The statute of limitations only allows him to be charged with 7 years of theft, but that still amounts to around $82,000. The Logan Light and Power company spotted Clarence’s handiwork when they came to fix the power outage at his home. The company said they did not want to “put him in jail” but wanted to recoup their costs. ***MARLAR: Because if they put him in jail, he’d still get free power!

 

The Wisconsin state Senate approved a measure that would allow grocery stores to serve free 6 oz. samples of beer to shoppers who are of legal age. ***MARLAR: Beginning next week – “Double Coupon Happy Hours.”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

CADDY ADVICE

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.”
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, “And now for one long putt…”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

YOU MIGHT SAY HE’S JUST A FRUIT, BUT…

When God calls you to something… you do it! Right? What if God called you to wear a silly little red pepper costume and jump up and down at a grocery store for a living? You guessed it… it’s a true story.

Kenny Carter is now known as Peppy the Pepper at the Super Fresh Stop. His job? Just greet people at the door. And Kenny claims that God actually told him to do it – TOLD him to be a vegetable!  Apparently, it was a very intense worship service that Kenny was in when God spoke to him. Kenny did not believe it at first, but God spoke to him again. “You will be a vegetable.” Before venturing forth in his new God-given career, Kenny used to be a drug-dealer and a pimp. He’d spent many years in jail and rehab as well. After the church service, Kenny asked a friend to make him a pepper costume, he made up a song, and then asked his store manager to let him try out his act on shoppers. The shoppers love it, and now Kenny travels around the entire grocery chain. ***MARLAR: You know, people are called to different things, I guess. And who am I to say that God couldn’t call a guy to be a vegetable? But, ironically, look at Kenny’s life… if he’d continued in the drug abuse, he may have ended up as a vegetable anyway. I think God appreciates that kind of irony, don’t you?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Several years ago William F. Merten of Mt. Clemens, Michigan, wrote to Reader’s Digest to tell about a memorable argument he had with his wife. The argument was well under way as they left a party one evening. Once they were in the car, words were flying. The area they were driving through was not the best, so they stopped arguing just long

enough to lock the doors. Then they started again.
Merton’s wife had really worked up a storm, and after a few choice words from him, she shouted, “Stop the car and let me out!”
Merton pulled over to the curb. His wife unlocked the door and got out, but then looked around and got back in again. Looking a little sheepish she said, “Take me to a better neighborhood.”
That broke them both up — and the argument too.
Anger can cause us to do some dumb things.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A BLESSED MEMORIAL

READ: Matthew 26:6-13

What this woman has done will also be told as a memorial to her. —Matthew 26:13

Certain names from the past can elicit a variety of responses. The mention of Hitler, for example, brings feelings of contempt. On the other hand, a great historical figure like Churchill brings a positive response. Even within the circle of our own acquaintances, we remember some individuals with thankfulness, while we think negatively of others whose lives were spent in selfish pursuits.

On Memorial Day in the US, we pause to honor those of past generations. While many stirring recollections flood our minds, we realize that the time will come when each of us will also be a memory. What will others recall of our words and deeds when they think of us?

I once read about James Lewis Pettigru. His life was so exemplary that after his death the community erected a tombstone in his honor inscribed with these words:

UNAWED BY OPINION, UNSEDUCED BY FLATTERY,
UNDISMAYED BY DISASTER, HE CONFRONTED LIFE
WITH COURAGE, AND DEATH WITH CHRISTIAN HOPE.

What will your memorial be? Determine by the grace of God to live for Him and give yourself to the needs of others. Then your testimony will become a blessing and inspiration to all who follow in your steps. —Richard De Haan

 

What have you written on memory’s page?
Deeds that were done in the Master’s name?
Words that were spoken to spread His fame?
What have you written today?  —Anon.

 

Will your memorial be a blessing or a blot?

 

 

LEFTOVERS

GO GRANNY GO GRANNY…

Poor little Lea Tucker. She’s 79 years old, and for some reason, she just can’t seem to cross the street like the rest of us. In fact, in order for her to get from one side of the street in New York to the other, it takes her 45 minutes! She lacks the speed needed to dash out between rushing cars, and the New York State Department of Transportation refuses to make a crosswalk for people like her. So, Mrs. Tucker has to hop on the bus, go to the end of the route, and then back again to where she started on the other side of the street. It’s a four mile trip that takes 45 minutes… and it’s the ONLY way she can make it across the street safely. Of course, she has to go through the entire routine all over again in order to get home.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

BIGGEST PET PEEVES IN THE WORKPLACE

A recent survey reveals that 36% of U.S. bosses have issued a formal warning for swearing, and 6% have fired an employee for it. The poll also found that 81.2% of senior execs find a foul mouthed colleague unacceptable to work alongside in the office. The poll also found that 98.7% believed that the idea of office etiquette does exist and the majority (69.7%) said that they would fire an employee for bad office manners. Of managers who have terminated employees for office etiquette offenses, the top 5 most common causes were:

  • Bad language, 38.4%
  • Excessive workplace gossip, 36.5%
  • Drinking on the job, 35.2%
  • Leaving the office without telling anyone, 33.6%
  • Too many personal calls, 28%

When it comes to dealing with bad behavior in the cubicle next-door, co-workers had a slightly higher threshold for bad language. While 81.2% said they deem swearing in the workplace unacceptable, the absolute most offensive thing an office worker can do to his or her colleagues is steal their food from the office refrigerator. What else?

  • Eating someone else’s food from the fridge, 97.8%
  • Bad hygiene, 95.6%
  • Bad habits, 88.2%
  • Drinking on the job, 85.7%
  • Wastefulness with paper, 82%

Other common office annoyances showing up in the survey were cooking smelly food in the office microwave (74.1%) and sneaking peaks at the BlackBerry in meetings (63.5%).

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

DON’T WINE TO ME

A bottle of wine causes a supermarket to be sued.

A United Kingdom man is demanding to be compensated by a supermarket and is taking them to court because he claims that a bottle of wine he purchased from the store has ruined his relationship with a would-be girlfriend. He says the woman did not like the wine so she left in the middle of the date. ***MARLAR: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the reason she left had nothing to do with the wine.

 

 

FUN LIST

HELPFUL HOUSEHOLD HINTS (Housecleaning made easy by a guy!)

  • Putting Endust on the back of a small dog will help dust under the bed
  • Don’t have a dishwasher? How about just a rack in the shower.
  • Tired of looking at dirty windows? A can of white spray paint will mean you never have to look at dirty windows again.
  • Hate doing laundry? Make all your clothes smell Lysol fresh. And when the Lysol doesn’t work anymore, time for a new wardrobe.
  • And finally, if you’ve got gum stuck in your carpet. Cover with an area rug, sell the place and MOVE!!!

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

New research shows Googling can actually be bad for your health!

…Doctors say the danger comes when people who get sick look up their symptoms online.  A report in USA Today says many people do that, and they often stop first at message boards, rather than accredited medical web sites, to get their information.  And they definitely aren’t going to their doctor first for information.   Doctors say most people know that eventually they need to see a doctor if their symptoms continue to be a problem, but they say it’s important not to self-diagnose or use unreliable web sites.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only, None On The Weekends)

A 140-foot bulletproof cross is towering over skyscrapers in the most unlikely of places: Pakistan. According to Mission Network News, Pervez Henry Gill, the donor and man who had the dream of building the monument in the first place, told the Washington Post he wanted it to be a beacon of hope for Christians, letting them know they have a brighter future.

http://t.co/1aVOZdmw2O

 

It’s not uncommon for wealthy couples to sail the Mediterranean in a yacht, but Chris and Regina Catrambone are cruising in a 130-foot ship outfitted especially to rescue migrants at sea. According to the Good News Network, The Catrambone’s were moved last summer by the loss of life among thousands of people fleeing North Africa to find a better life in Europe. In response, the decided to buy a search-and-rescue ship. The American husband and his Italian wife founded the Migrant Offshore Aid Station (MOAS) and set out in their vessel – The Phoenix — along with a 20-person crew, and their daughter Maria Luisa, to save lives. In their first 60 days, the Catrambones and their crew saved 3,000 lives. The Phoenix redeployed just this month and has run the total up to 4,441.

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/wealthy-couple-buy-rescue-ship-save-migrants/

 

When a medical emergency took place during a recent graduation, one student used the concern as a time to pray. According to the Christian News web site, Christian Crawford, the senior class president, approached the podium as he felt led to pray, not knowing what was taking place. He said “Everybody, can I have your attention real quick?” he said. “We don’t know what’s going on, but we will pray. We know that prayer is power, and that God is able.”  *** We get a lot of bad news about our youth in the news, so it’s good to know there are God-honoring teens out there as well who could become leaders in our country in the future!

http://christiannews.net/2015/05/22/fix-it-jesus-student-takes-podium-to-pray-as-medical-emergency-unfolds-during-graduation/

 

In front of a packed church, Pastor Lawrence Bishop II, climbed up on the back of a snorting, anxious bull named Bonecrusher. According to an ABC News Report, The animal was let loose, and Bishop hung on tight as he was bucked around the ring he built inside his Ohio church. He lasted about three seconds before being thrown off and trampled. Battered and bruised, the 48-year-old preacher then picked himself up, climbed to safety and began his sermon. All this happened during one Wednesday night service at the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio. Bishop’s church is easy to spot. It’s the one with the 52-foot statue of Jesus facing I-75, nicknamed “Hug Me Jesus,” because of his open arms. Bishop says Embracing new believers is why the ministry decided to bring bull riding inside the church’s walls. He added: “the Bible said to compel them to come in, and so that’s what we’re doing,”

http://abcnews.go.com/US/ohio-pastor-rides-bulls-inside-church-attract-believers/story?id=31156025

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I was nothing until I got this job. I’m still nothing, but now I get paid for it.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 29, 2015…

 

San Andreas 3 D—There has been a giant earthquake in southern California. Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is a helicopter rescue pilot who, with his former wife Carla Gugino) is trying to find their lost daughter, Alexandra Daddario. Paul Giamatti is also in the cast. They are heading for San Francisco and all this in 3 D, too. “San Andreas 3 D” is rated PG 13.. Rating of 3 for fans. (Note: for another Southern California earthquake movie, see “Earthquake {1974} with Charlton Heston and Ava Gardner.) With “Aloha” opening this weekend, people fleeing the earthquake can head for the South Pacific.

 

Aloha—Bradley Cooper is a  contractor who falls in love with a woman pilot (Emma Stone.) He is doing satellite work. All this set against the South Pacific and written by Cameron Crowe. The cast is a large one including Rachel McAdams, Alec Baldwin, Bill Murray, Danny McBride and John Krasinski. “Aloha” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the cast.

 

JUNE 05, 2015…

 

Entourage with the film continuing the television series, is finally here. Stars Adrian Grenier and Jeremy Piven (now “Mr. Selfridge” on PBS)

 

Insidious Chapter 3 had to happen, with Dermot Mulroney and Lin Shaye, the haunting continues.

 

Spy has Melissa McCarthy as the bottom of the FBI totem pole who decides to volunteer for a mission.

 

Testament of Youth stars Alicia Vikander (“Ex Machina”) and Kit Harington (“Game of Thrones”) in a movie about WWI.

 

Love & Mercy stars Elizabeth Banks (“Perfect Pitch 2”), John Cusack and Paul Dano

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.