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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – the daily radio show made especially for the sort of person who likes this kind of stuff… more or less.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“I’m a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.” – Abraham Lincoln
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities — his eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. –Romans 1:20 New International Version
I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given to me — the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace. — Acts 20:24
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Boldly and without hindrance he preached the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ. — Acts 28:31
Thought: So often, we give excuses why we can’t do evangelism. Throughout his life, Paul shows us how lame our excuses really are! He is under house arrest and having to support himself, yet he still manages to get the Gospel out to the lost!
Prayer: Loving and Almighty God, forgive my excuses and my fear. Please make me bold to share your saving truth in the Gospel. May all who know me also come to know more about Jesus through me! In his precious name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Deuteronomy 5:29 NIV = Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – MAY 29, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 209 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is SQUOOSH AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH DAY. ***No, not SQUISH, but SQUOOSH. There’s a difference. There’s more “Oos” in “squoosh.” I’m not sure how that helps, but there ya go. I will say that I’m a firm believer in the squooshing of just about anything. I figure the smaller you can make it, the less the calories that’ll fit in it.
Today is NATIONAL LOVEY DOVEY DAY. ***Maybe you can squoosh your lovey dovey.
Today is LAZY BONES DAY in Belgium. ***Known here at (THE JOCK SHOW) as “Monday.”
TODAY IS ALSO…
Learn About Composting Day
Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 30
Mint Julep Day
National Creativity Day
Save Your Hearing Day
National Senior Health & Fitness Day
THURSDAY, MAY 31
Necrotizing Fasciitis Awareness Day
What You Think Upon Grows Day
World MS Day (Multiple Sclerosis)
World No-Tobacco Day
FRIDAY, JUNE 01
Doughnut Day or Donut Day
Global Day of Parents
Heimlich Maneuver Day
Hug Your Cat Day
Leave The Office Early Day
Mike, The Headless Chicken Day
National Dare Day
National Nailpolish Day
National Go Barefoot Day
National Olive Day
National Pen Pal Day
Oscar The Grouch Day
Say Something Nice Day
Stand For Children Day
SATURDAY, JUNE 02
Do-Dah Parade Day
Drawing Day or Pencil Day
National Black Bear Day
National Bubba Day
National Bubbly Day
National Gun Violence Awareness Day
National Prairie Day
National Rotisserie Chicken Day
National Trails Day
The Wicket World of Croquet Day
Turtle Races Day
Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day
SUNDAY, JUNE 03
Children’s Awareness Memorial Day
National Cancer Survivors Day
Wonder Woman Day
MONDAY, JUNE 04
Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National SAFE Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
Old Maid’s Day
TUESDAY, JUNE 05
Apple II Day
Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Beer Pong Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
Work@Home Father’s Day
World Environment Day
ON THIS DAY
1837: Musician Charles Fry was born in England. He and his three sons formed the first Salvation Army brass band. He composed, “Lily of the Valley.”
1848: Wisconsin became the 30th U.S. state. (audio clip)
1856: During a speech in Bloomington, Illinois, Abraham Lincoln said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” ***And you can’t fool Mom.
1912: The Ladies Home Journal fired 15 women employees for doing the “Turkey Trot” during their lunch hour. ***Isn’t turkey trots what you get from eating bad turkey?
1917: The 35th U.S. president, John F. Kennedy, was born in Brookline, Massachusetts.
1919: Charles Strite patented the pop-up toaster.
1942: Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers, and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra recorded Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” in Los Angeles for Decca Records, one of history’s most successful recordings.
1952: Singer Hank Williams and his wife Audrey were divorced. Their son Randall, later known as Hank Jr., was three years old.
1959: Herndon Stadium in Atlanta hosted one of rock’s first outdoor festivals, featuring Ray Charles, B.B. King, Jimmy Reed, and others. Some 9,000 attended.
1971: The Rolling Stones’ single “Brown Sugar” his #1 in the U.S.
1980: Larry Bird edged out Magic Johnson to be named the NBA’s Rookie of the Year.
1987: Singer Michael Jackson bid $50,000 for the body of John Merrick, “The Elephant Man,” but it wasn’t enough.
2001: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled disabled golfer Casey Martin could use a cart to participate in tournaments.
2003: A father in Guangming, China, underwent successful marrow transplant surgery after his 12-year-old daughter gained 33 pounds in two months to be able to safely donate the marrow. Zhang Wanqing was the only suitable blood match for her father, who was suffering from leukemia.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1453: Constantinople, capital of Eastern Christianity since Constantine founded it in 324, falls to the Turks under Muhammad II, ending the Byzantine Empire. Muslims rename the city Istanbul and turn its lavish cathedral, Hagia Sophia, into a mosque.
1546: In retaliation for the execution of Reformation preacher George Wishart, Scottish Protestants murder Cardinal David Beaton in St. Andrews. John Knox, who was not part of the assassination plot, went on to lead the Scottish Reformation.
1660: England’s King Charles II triumphantly enters London, marking the full restoration of the monarchy. Though he promised religious liberty, he cracked down on Dissenters (including John Bunyan) following a 1661 attempt by religous fanatics to overthrow him.
1874: English essayist, poet, and writer G.K. Chesterton is born in London. The 400-pound man was occasionally absent-minded, but brilliant. He loved paradoxes, which he called “supreme assertions of truth,” and used them often in his writing. Poet T.S. Eliot credited him with doing “more than any man in his time . . . to maintain the existence of the [Christian] minority in the modern world.” Chesterton converted from Anglicanism to Roman Catholicism in 1922.
1954: Pope Pius X is canonized. Of simple peasant origins, he was marked by zeal and piety: “we have no other program in the Supreme Pontificate but that of restoring all things in Christ.”
1967: Pope Paul VI names 27 new cardinals, including then-archbishop of Krakow, Poland, Karol Wojtyla, later to be Pope John Paul II.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
Actress (Blair on “The Facts of Life”) Lisa Whelchel 55 (audio clip)
actor (My Best Friend’s Wedding, Inspector Gadget, Separate Lies, the voice of Prince Charming in the Shrek movies) Rupert Everett 59
actress (Open Range, American Beauty, The American President, The Siege, Regarding Henry) Annette Bening 60
actor (Luke on “General Hospital”) Tony Geary 71 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1860 : Isaac Albéniz
1903 : Bob Hope
1936 : Sylvia Vanderpool (Mickey & Sylvia)
1941 : Roy Crewsdon (Freddie and the Dreamers)
1942 : Sir Monti Rock III (Disco Tex & The Sex-O-Lettes)
1945 : Gary Brooker (Procol Harum)
1950 : Rebbie Jackson
1950 : Joey Levine (The Ohio Express, Third Rail, Reunion)
1955 : Danny Elfman (Oingo Boingo)
1955 : Mike Procaro (Toto)
1956 : Larry Blackmon (Cameo)
1958 : Marie Fredriksson (Roxette)
1959 : Mel Gaynor (Simple Minds)
1960 : Jesse Johnson (The Time)
1961 : Melissa Etheridge (Melissa Lou Etheridge)
1967 : Noel Gallagher (Oasis)
1969 : Chad Kinchla (Blues Traveler)
1975 : Melanie Brown (The Spice Girls)
1976 : Dave Buckner (Formerly of Papa Roach)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
What, exactly, is an itch?
We don’t exactly know. We visit the planets, map the human genome, and split the atom. But an itch is still largely that which you scratch, one of medicine’s last frontiers. It’s a stimulus affecting the nerve endings between the dermis and epidermis; scientists liken it to a form of pain. But that’s neither here nor there. It’s usually caused by histamine released in the epidermis. Scratching stops it, either by interfering with the nerve impulses or by temporarily damaging the nerves themselves. That’s it. So if you would like to make your mark in medicine, investigate the itch. But you won’t get much help from research so far. You’ll just have to start from scratch.
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Britney Spears’ ex, Kevin Federline, has gone to court, seeking to have his $20,000 in child support TRIPLED to $60,000. ***Why do I get the feeling this money isn’t going to the kids? Yo, Kev… if you can’t raise your child with $20,000 per month, you have no business being your child’s legal guardian.
Eight women have come forward and claimed they were victims of sexual harassment from Morgan Freeman. ***Unbelievable – by my calculations the only male left in Hollywood that hasn’t been accused of this is Finn Wolfhard.
A million chainsaws are currently under recall because they may continue to operate after being shut off. ***It’s like when you think your mother-in-law is finally done talking, only to find out she was just pausing to take a breath.
Earlier this month, Amber Kornak posted her new job on Facebook which she called a “dream job” with the US Fish and Wildlife Service that involved working with grizzly bears! Less than a week later, the 28-year-old was mauled by her dream job in Montana. Kornak was working solo near a stream in the Cabinet Mountains collecting grizzly hair samples, when a bear attacked. Her quick thinking helped her survive. Kornak was able to grab her bear spray and drive the animal off. ***The spray worked so well she’s now carrying it with her at all times in case she comes across an ex-boyfriend.
Research has found that families who fish together are likely to have fewer problems. The research found in low socio-economic inner-city areas, families that fished together were less likely to exhibit anti-social behavior. ***Of course that could be because they are all tanked up on beer.
Today (Tuesday) is the day that Starbucks will shut down its stores for 3-4 hours for racial sensitivity training. ***Might also suggest some education to improve their spelling? I don’t think they’ve gotten my name right even once when writing it on my coffee cup.
Brazilian football legend Ronaldinho will reportedly “marry” two women at the same time during a small wedding ceremony in August. ***Funeral services for Ronaldhino are already scheduled for September.
Students and staff members at South Mecklenburg High School in Charlotte, North Carolina had to be evacuated after an “unknown odor” was reported in the area. The smell, which students reportedly claimed caused their eyes to tear up and throats to burn, ended up being nothing particularly hazardous or sinister. Hazmat teams which investigated the incident said the source of the odor was nothing more than a clogged toilet! The “air quality” incident occurred after a maintenance worker plunged the toilet sending who-knows-what airborne. Nobody was seriously injured. ***But the school is adding a section to their Health classes next year called, “Your Gasmask And You”.
One of Woody Allen’s sons, Moses, is now defending his dad and claiming that his mom was the abusive one. ***I say we just be safe and call the entire family whack.
A study says a strong grip may predict a longer life at all ages. ***Which totally makes sense. My G.I. Joe with kung-fu grip has got to be at least 40 years old.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
You take Tylenol to relieve pain. And while it does that well, it may also relieve you of something else: joy. Researchers at The Ohio State University in Columbus discovered that acetaminophen, the primary ingredient in Tylenol, blunts positive emotions, a previously unknown side effect. ***I can only assume Rosie O’Donnell always has a headache.
Welcome to 2018 – where kids are being taught to write on computer keyboards in kindergarten, resulting in fewer and fewer knowing how to read handwriting. More than 85% of students now write the essay part of the SAT exam in block letters, because they don’t know how to write in cursive – nor do they know how to read cursive. The shocking part is that most teachers don’t seem to care that handwriting is becoming a lost art. ***Yeah, well you’ll be singing another tune once the zombie apocalypse takes place and your precious iPad runs out of juice.
Want to be healthier? Move to a place that has a large park nearby. A recent study (published in the journal of Environmental Science & Technology) found that by moving closer to green space, mental health immediately improves and sustains over long periods of time. ***How about I just put up a green screen when I use iMovie, does that work too?
One of life’s simple pleasures just got a little sweeter. After years of waffling research on coffee and health, even some fear that java might raise the risk of heart disease, a recent study finds the opposite: Coffee drinkers are a little more likely to live longer. Regular or decaf doesn’t matter. ***Starbucks – passing out immortality seven bucks at a time!
According to a recent Gallup pole, 96% of Americans have a favorable view of Canada. ***Except during winter when they keep sending us cold air.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk had been making defective badminton racquets for his friends so they’d have to keep buying new ones, but now he’s learned that Gruffy is planning on giving Racquet’s niece a present… a new badminton racquet, made by Racquet! So now he’s working feverishly to make a new badminton racquet that is NOT defective so his niece can play in the badminton tournament…
CLOSE: Oh boy – looks like Racquet’s underhandedness is now going to affect not only Sully, Nozzles and Gruffy, but now it will also affect his niece, Rita – and the cute boy skunk, Stinky! And that stinks. None of this would’ve been a problem if he’d just treated his friends right to begin with! Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
One man gets wired… literally!
An unidentified Ohio man recently walked in to a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead! He calmly asked police to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. According to the officers, the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try to find his missing brain. ***MARLAR: Signs that he truly doesn’t have a brain = A) He drilled a hole in his head. B) He walked into a police station instead of a hospital for an X-ray.
TOP TEN FUTURE INVENTIONS TO LOOK FORWARD TO
10. The Top Eleven List.
9. The breakthrough new Fat Burner pill that really works!
8. Always-lands-butter-side-up sliced bread.
7. More convenient, easy to use, child-friendly pill bottles.
6. The mind-reading automatic turn-signal
5. The Monday to Wednesday work week
4. X-ray Specs that really work!
3. Lead Underwear- for when they invent X-ray Specs that really work
2. Memory cloth clothing reverts to folded configuration after being exposed to “medium high” heat for 7-10 minutes.
1. Those flying cars we were supposed to get back in the year 2000! (audio clip)
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A true gentleman mugger has been sentenced to jail despite his elderly victim’s pleas for him to be let off because he was so polite…
FILE #1: …The victim told the court in Salzburg, Austria, that she had not come across such a well mannered criminal in a long time. The man grabbed the old woman’s bag and ran off but returned when he noticed she had fallen to the ground. She actually said, “When he saw me fall, he came back. Criminals just don’t do that any more.” (What? You mean, at one time they DID stop to help their victims?!?!) She went on to say, “He was very neat and well mannered and asked me not to report him. He said he was really sorry, but was just desperate for money.” Nevertheless, the 27-year-old polite punk got two-and-a-half years.
FILE #2: A man with an unusual name tried to cash a stolen check at a Dallas Western Union outlet. The name was so unusual it made the clerk suspicious. A thief presented a stolen check for almost $750 to clerk Mark Spain. The check was made out to “Roadway Express”. The man claimed that his first name was Roadway and his last name was Express. He even went so far as to having a fake I.D. card made saying his name was Roadway Express. The skeptical clerk told him to hold on and went back into the office and made a phone call. A quick check with Roadway Express trucking company revealed that they had a check stolen for that exact same amount. Police soon arrested the man — real name Anthony Jackson — who was a dock worker for, you guessed it – Roadway Express.
FILE #3: Raymond Green was charged with breaking and entering even though he didn’t steal anything. Apparently, Raymond had a friend who wanted to have his head shaved. For some reason, he didn’t feel that his own living room was the right place to do the job, he decided that his friend’s head could be better shaved on the front porch of a nearby house. Only one problem–it was dark. So Raymond simply let himself into the house to turn on the porch light. Unfortunately for him the residents were home at the time and they called the cops. No word on whether the buddy ever got his head shaved.
STRANGE LAW: There’s a hot market in used bridges in the U. S. A 15-year- old federal law requires states to offer for sale any bridge with historical or architectural value before tearing it down. Pennsylvania has sold 300 of them.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
A real life game of Hide & Seek goes wrong for the bad guy.
Mitchel Travis Welsh, being held on drug and grand theft auto charges, made a break for it at a courthouse and was able to elude bailiffs and jump into a waiting vehicle. For two days he was on the run. Sort of. Anyone who has ever played hide and seek will tell you, it’s all about the hiding spot. That’s why deputies were stunned to find him hiding out at his own apartment.
Your boss walks in today at 9am and says, “Take the rest of the day off, with pay!” What would you do with the rest of your day?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What two women brought about the execution of John the Baptist?
ANSWER: Herodias and her daughter. (Mark 6:25-27)
QUESTION: Most every other country in the world has one, but Iceland does not. What do they not have?
ANSWER: An army.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Actor George Clooney once tried out for the Cleveland Indians professional baseball team when he was 21. (False – Cincinnati Reds. He didn’t make the team.)
2. The shortest British monarch was Charles I, who was 4 feet 9 inches. (True)
3. Elizabeth 1st suffered from a fear of grass. (False, she had a fear of roses – or anthophobia)
4. Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed. (True)
5. All 17 children of Queen Anne died before her. (True)
6. King Louis XIX ruled France for 15 minutes. (True)
7. There is a church in Spain that allows worshippers to make donations via a credit card terminal. (True)
8. The people of the United States eat more cheese than any other country in the world. (False, France is at the top)
9. There’s a place called “Y” in France. (True. Why not!)
10. One Neptune year equals 165 Earth years. (True. Neptune orbits the Sun every 164.79 years)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
_____ ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE! (FACEBOOK)
Rumors are once again circulating that Facebook is on the brink of… total collapse!
Some are speculating that the demise of Facebook will bring down the entire U.S. economy and all the world financial markets. Some on Wall Street are saying it could be worse than the Great Depression. “We may be heading back to 1850,” said one Wall Street trader.
Facebook’s in trouble, that’s what. Now in the crosshairs of public scrutiny, everybody’s taking potshots. And the warnings are just beginning. Everything from Facebook being “too big to fail or succeed” to a Chicago attorney warning that the stock could “crater” if Facebook can’t grow revenues 41% annually for five years to “sustain its value” to a warning that Facebook’s one of the “black swans” that could eventually bring down the global economy.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, “You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back.”
With that, he responded, “Well, it’s not even my ladder. It’s my dad’s.”
“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,” said Mary, the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”
“I love the fact that you take really good care of me,” said Dave with a smile and added, “by the way, what are we having for breakfast?”
Mary replied, “I told you… toast and juice!”
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, “Nah, dogs can’t do dishes.” The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, “Nah, cats can’t do the ironing.”
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, “This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!”
“OK,” the man thought, “I’ll give it a try,” so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away.
“Great,” thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless.
“Wow,” thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. “Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper,” he told the centipede, and off it went.
Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn’t returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede.
“Hey, whatcha’ doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?”
“Hold on a minute!” said the centipede, “I’m still putting on my boots!”
In 1998, a law passed in the U.S. state of Virginia allows drivers to keep their road kill, as long as they report it within 12 hours. ***You know, in case their family is worried why their possum father never made it home.
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. ***Liberal brainwashing however is totally acceptable and even expected.
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.”
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, “And now for one long putt…”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
YOU MIGHT SAY HE’S JUST A FRUIT, BUT…
When God calls you to something… you do it! Right? What if God called you to wear a silly little red pepper costume and jump up and down at a grocery store for a living? You guessed it… it’s a true story.
Kenny Carter is now known as Peppy the Pepper at the Super Fresh Stop. His job? Just greet people at the door. And Kenny claims that God actually told him to do it – TOLD him to be a vegetable! Apparently, it was a very intense worship service that Kenny was in when God spoke to him. Kenny did not believe it at first, but God spoke to him again. “You will be a vegetable.” Before venturing forth in his new God-given career, Kenny used to be a drug-dealer and a pimp. He’d spent many years in jail and rehab as well. After the church service, Kenny asked a friend to make him a pepper costume, he made up a song, and then asked his store manager to let him try out his act on shoppers. The shoppers love it, and now Kenny travels around the entire grocery chain. ***MARLAR: You know, people are called to different things, I guess. And who am I to say that God couldn’t call a guy to be a vegetable? But, ironically, look at Kenny’s life… if he’d continued in the drug abuse, he may have ended up as a vegetable anyway. I think God appreciates that kind of irony, don’t you?
Several years ago William F. Merten of Mt. Clemens, Michigan, wrote to Reader’s Digest to tell about a memorable argument he had with his wife. The argument was well under way as they left a party one evening. Once they were in the car, words were flying. The area they were driving through was not the best, so they stopped arguing just long
enough to lock the doors. Then they started again.
Merton’s wife had really worked up a storm, and after a few choice words from him, she shouted, “Stop the car and let me out!”
Merton pulled over to the curb. His wife unlocked the door and got out, but then looked around and got back in again. Looking a little sheepish she said, “Take me to a better neighborhood.”
That broke them both up — and the argument too.
Anger can cause us to do some dumb things.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A BLESSED MEMORIAL
READ: Matthew 26:6-13
What this woman has done will also be told as a memorial to her. —Matthew 26:13
Certain names from the past can elicit a variety of responses. The mention of Hitler, for example, brings feelings of contempt. On the other hand, a great historical figure like Churchill brings a positive response. Even within the circle of our own acquaintances, we remember some individuals with thankfulness, while we think negatively of others whose lives were spent in selfish pursuits.
On Memorial Day in the US, we pause to honor those of past generations. While many stirring recollections flood our minds, we realize that the time will come when each of us will also be a memory. What will others recall of our words and deeds when they think of us?
I once read about James Lewis Pettigru. His life was so exemplary that after his death the community erected a tombstone in his honor inscribed with these words:
UNAWED BY OPINION, UNSEDUCED BY FLATTERY,
UNDISMAYED BY DISASTER, HE CONFRONTED LIFE
WITH COURAGE, AND DEATH WITH CHRISTIAN HOPE.
What will your memorial be? Determine by the grace of God to live for Him and give yourself to the needs of others. Then your testimony will become a blessing and inspiration to all who follow in your steps. —Richard De Haan
What have you written on memory’s page?
Deeds that were done in the Master’s name?
Words that were spoken to spread His fame?
What have you written today? —Anon.
Will your memorial be a blessing or a blot?
GO GRANNY GO GRANNY…
Poor little Lea Tucker. She’s 79 years old, and for some reason, she just can’t seem to cross the street like the rest of us. In fact, in order for her to get from one side of the street in New York to the other, it takes her 45 minutes! She lacks the speed needed to dash out between rushing cars, and the New York State Department of Transportation refuses to make a crosswalk for people like her. So, Mrs. Tucker has to hop on the bus, go to the end of the route, and then back again to where she started on the other side of the street. It’s a four mile trip that takes 45 minutes… and it’s the ONLY way she can make it across the street safely. Of course, she has to go through the entire routine all over again in order to get home.
LIFE… LIVE IT
BIGGEST PET PEEVES IN THE WORKPLACE
A recent survey reveals that 36% of U.S. bosses have issued a formal warning for swearing, and 6% have fired an employee for it. The poll also found that 81.2% of senior execs find a foul mouthed colleague unacceptable to work alongside in the office. The poll also found that 98.7% believed that the idea of office etiquette does exist and the majority (69.7%) said that they would fire an employee for bad office manners. Of managers who have terminated employees for office etiquette offenses, the top 5 most common causes were:
Bad language, 38.4%
Excessive workplace gossip, 36.5%
Drinking on the job, 35.2%
Leaving the office without telling anyone, 33.6%
Too many personal calls, 28%
When it comes to dealing with bad behavior in the cubicle next-door, co-workers had a slightly higher threshold for bad language. While 81.2% said they deem swearing in the workplace unacceptable, the absolute most offensive thing an office worker can do to his or her colleagues is steal their food from the office refrigerator. What else?
Eating someone else’s food from the fridge, 97.8%
Bad hygiene, 95.6%
Bad habits, 88.2%
Drinking on the job, 85.7%
Wastefulness with paper, 82%
Other common office annoyances showing up in the survey were cooking smelly food in the office microwave (74.1%) and sneaking peaks at the BlackBerry in meetings (63.5%).
JUST FOR FUN
DON’T WINE TO ME
A bottle of wine causes a supermarket to be sued.
A United Kingdom man is demanding to be compensated by a supermarket and is taking them to court because he claims that a bottle of wine he purchased from the store has ruined his relationship with a would-be girlfriend. He says the woman did not like the wine so she left in the middle of the date. ***MARLAR: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the reason she left had nothing to do with the wine.
HELPFUL HOUSEHOLD HINTS (Housecleaning made easy by a guy!)
Putting Endust on the back of a small dog will help dust under the bed
Don’t have a dishwasher? How about just a rack in the shower.
Tired of looking at dirty windows? A can of white spray paint will mean you never have to look at dirty windows again.
Hate doing laundry? Make all your clothes smell Lysol fresh. And when the Lysol doesn’t work anymore, time for a new wardrobe.
And finally, if you’ve got gum stuck in your carpet. Cover with an area rug, sell the place and MOVE!!!
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
…Doctors say the danger comes when people who get sick look up their symptoms online. A report in USA Today says many people do that, and they often stop first at message boards, rather than accredited medical web sites, to get their information. And they definitely aren’t going to their doctor first for information. Doctors say most people know that eventually they need to see a doctor if their symptoms continue to be a problem, but they say it’s important not to self-diagnose or use unreliable web sites.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
We’ve all witnessed toxic relationships and wondered. “Ugh: What makes her stay?” It’s oxytocin. Wait, isn’t that the “love” hormone, you might ask? Yep, but a new study in the journal Hormones and Behavior found that partners who felt their significant other was distant and disengaged released more of that cuddly chemical than partners who felt cared for and supported. If you’re stuck in this unhealthy surge, heed this: Uneven relationships often have unwritten rules, says behavioral endocrinologist and study author Nicholas Grebe, Ph.D. Unfollowing those rules can be the first step in restoring balance. So if you find yourself pining for your partner when he makes you work for his affection, try switching roles to see if that helps him act the part of the “caring one” for a change. (Women’s Health)
Which is better for breakfast: oatmeal or cold cereal? The answer is unequivocally oatmeal. It will not only leave you feeling more satisfied and full than an oat-based, ready-to-eat cereal, but also help you to eat less at lunch. During the research project, those who consumed the oatmeal four hours after eating reported greater feelings of fullness, as well as decreased feelings of hunger and desire to eat. Eating less later in the day translates into fewer calories — and a lower number on the bathroom scale. Why? Oatmeal has more soluble oat fiber than cold cereal, which is a more satiating fiber. Plus, oatmeal is one of the top foods you can eat to naturally help lower your LDL “bad” cholesterol.
Winning friends may not be the way to influence people — at least not at work. A survey concludes that employees aren’t looking for fun and friends in the workplace. What they really want is trust. The survey (by Lore International) showed that in order to succeed in the workplace, it’s important for workers to demonstrate trustworthiness, honesty and the ability to collaborate. What’s not important? Companionship and friendship — only 18% of those surveyed said that’s what they were seeking from their co-workers.
We joke and call them “senior moments,” but it’s not funny when you can’t remember a word, a person’s name or where you put your keys. The solution? Go take a walk. When seniors regularly took brisk walks for one year, an amazing thing happened: The hippocampus, the section of the brain that is involved in memory, actually grew in size, according to researchers from the University of Pittsburgh and University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Typically, the hippocampus shrinks as we age.
Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time or want to strengthen an existing friendship that has faltered, say something that will make you both laugh. That’s the word from researchers at George Mason University in Fairfax, VA, who analyzed more than 5,500 social interactions and determined that sharing a laugh with someone now is an excellent predictor of social rewards later — whether it be a friendship or a relationship between work colleagues, reports Prevention magazine. While using laughter as a foundation for a healthy relationship is old hat, what’s new about this research is that it focuses on how today’s laugh can impact something that may happen in the future. For example, share a laugh with a client today, and you may have a better chance of closing the deal next week. “Laughter is one of those responses that gives us objective evidence that someone is interested in what we have to say or vice versa,” Todd Kashdan, professor of psychology at George Mason and author of “Mindfulness, Acceptance and Positive Psychology, told the magazine.
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
In Independence, Missouri, 18-year-old Kylan Scheele is a graduating senior at Truman High School – except that he won’t be allowed to walk in his graduation ceremony because of a senior prank. It seems young Mr. Kylan posted an ad on Craigslist that listed Truman High School for sale. He said it was just a joke. He also noted, “Other people were going to release live mice or, you know, building a beach in the front lobby area, and I thought let’s do something more laid back, so I just decided to post the school for sale.” The ad listed several amenities including the schools newly built athletic fields, plenty of parking and a “bigger than normal dining room.” The Independence School District took issue with Kylan’s reason for the sale, which he wrote was “due to the loss of students coming up.” Kylan says he was referring to all the graduating seniors. But even with his 3.9 GPA, he was suspended for the remainder of the school year and can’t attend graduation. Kylan’s reaction: “A three-day suspension, sure, but denying me the ability to walk, that’s a lifetime moment. I think they’re overreacting.” His mom, Denetra Clark said, “He went and apologized and tried to make things right and in return they give him the harshest punishment possible.” Well at least detectives with the Independence Police Department found no probable cause or reason to pursue criminal charges. (FOX 4KC)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I was nothing until I got this job. I’m still nothing, but now I get paid for it.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MAY 25, 2018…
Solo: A Star Wars Story—Here it comes, “Star Wars” fans, the background story of Han Solo (with regards to Harrison Ford). The prequel, ten years before Han meets Luke Skywalker, stars newcomer Aiden Ehrenreich as Han Solo, with Joonas Suotamo as Chewbacca and Donald Glover as Lando Calrissian. New are Han’s partner, Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke from “Game of Thrones”), and Lando’s partner, a droid L3-37 (Phoebe Waller-Bridge.) Woody Harrelson is also in the cast as Tobias, a mentor to Han. In this time period, Han washes out of the Academy and is headed for a life of crime, trying to prove himself to the other side. Things don’t always go as planned, and Han seems torn between making friends or making enemies. Oh, yes, the Falcon is there, too. “Solo” is directed by Ron Howard and has a sense of wanting to be free. Don’t we all? “Solo: A Star Wars Story” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans already lining up at the box office. Enjoy.
Mary Shelley (opening in select cities) —This romantic historical drama set in the early 19th century, stars Elle Fanning as Mary Shelley, who wrote the classic novel, considered a masterpiece, “Frankenstein” when she was eighteen. It came about during a love affair at that time. Based on fact. Also, in the cast are Douglas Booth and Bel Powery. “Mary Shelley” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Future World—James Franco stars in this film about an Earth after a global disaster and how to live with no water or gasoline. Memories of “Road Warrior” here. Also, in the cast is Lucy Liu. “Future World” is rated R. No rating.
JUNE 01, 2018…
A Kid Like Jake is a story of a family who realizes their child is trans-gender. Stars Claire Danes.
Adrift has Shailene Woodley as part of a group who find themselves in dire straits after a massive hurricane.
Upgrade is a science fiction film about trying to escape a computer-generated life. Stars Logan Marshall-Green.
Action Point stars Johnny Knoxville as a man who owns a decrepit amusement park. Comedy and expect base humor.
American Animals is based on a true-life event about college students trying to steal rare books. Stars Evan Peters.
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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.