May 30, 2015: ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150530

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Laugh and the world laughs with you — smoke and you smoke alone. And second-hand laughter doesn’t cause cancer!

 

Companies are cracking down on unproductive time at the office, but I work from home – so I’ve just installed spyware on my home office computer; that way later on I can check and see if I’m surfing inappropriate sites when I should be working.

 

Aunt Melba emailed me a photo of her grandson. She sent a second email asking me to email it back to her because it was her only copy.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. –Philippians 2:3-4

 

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. — Romans 12:15

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom? — Proverbs 17:16

 

Thought: What do you value more, money or wisdom? Look closely at our verse. Money without wisdom is really worthless. It will not be put to good use and will soon evaporate in the hands of one who is foolish. Like Solomon, rather than pursuing riches or fame, let’s pursue godly wisdom and the other things will take care of themselves.

 

Prayer: Eternal God and wise Father, please give me the wisdom to know what is most important for me to pursue with my time, efforts, and money. Please bless me with your holy wisdom, so that I may invest my life in what is truly meaningful and live to your glory. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

John 5:30 NIV = By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – MAY 30, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 210 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is LOOMIS DAY, honoring Washington, D.C., dentist Mahlon Loomis, who patented wireless telegraphy in 1872. ***MARLAR: And you thought text-messaging was a relatively new invention, didn’t you?

 

Today is DADDY DOES DINNER DAY. ***MARLAR: The object of this day is to get dads to create dinner on their own with no help whatsoever. My dad became a master at this… he had the number to Pizza Hut memorized.

 

Today is COMPACT DISC DAY. ***MARLAR: Which are incredible when it comes to high-quality music… assuming you can ever get them out of the wrapper.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Mint Julep Day

The Wicket World of Croquet Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, MAY 31

What You Think Upon Grows Day

World No-Tobacco Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 01

Global Day of Parents

Heimlich Maneuver Day

National Go Barefoot Day

National Leave The Office Early Day

National Thank God It’s Monday Day

Oscar The Grouch Day

Say Something Nice Day

Stand For Children Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 02

National Bubba Day

Yell “Fudge” at The Cobras in North America Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 03

Chimborazo Day

National Running Day

National Tailors Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity to Hope Day

International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression

Old Maid’s Day

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 05

Apple II Day

Doughnut Day

Festival of Popular Delusions Day

Horseradish Days

Hot Air Balloon Day

National Moonshine Day

Positive Power of Humor and Creativity Days

World Environment Day

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 06

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)

Atheists Pride Day

D-Day

Drive-In Movie Day

Russian Language Day

YoYo Day

Belmont Stakes

Do-Dah Parade Day

Drawing Day / Pencil Day

National Trails ay

Turtle Races Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 07

Children’s Awareness Memorial Day

Daniel Boone Day

National Cancer Survivors Day

VCR Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1431: Joan of Acr, the “Maid of Orleans” was burned at the stake for heresy at age 19. She was declared innocent 25 years later.   ***MARLAR Not that it did her any good, after all… being declared innocent after you’ve been dead for 25 years doesn’t really improve your situation.

 

1539: Hernando de Soto landed in Florida with nine ships, 632 men, 223 horses, and 13 pigs.

 

1911: Indianapolis hosted its first long-distance auto race; Ray Harroun was the winner at an average speed of 74.59 miles an hour.

 

1922: Outfielders Cliff Heathcote and Max Flack played for both the Chicago Cubs and the St. Louis Cardinals. They were traded for each other between games in a double-header. The Cubs won both games.

 

1922: “Smilin” Ed McConnell and his banjo debuted on radio. He would make Froggie the Gremlin and His Magic Twanger famous among America’s children.

 

1927: Toronto attorney Charles Miller set off the goofiest race in history when he died and willed his $568,000 estate to the Toronto woman who could give birth to the most children in the ten years following his death. Ten years later, on this date in 1937, four women split the purse in the so-called Stork Derby. Each had produced nine children.

 

1937: New York Giant pitcher Carl Hubbell won his 24th consecutive regular-season game in a two-year period. He went 26-6 in 1936 season and 22-8 in 1937.

 

1966: Carl Dean married Dolly Rebecca Parton in Ringgold, Georgia.

 

1967: Daredevil Evel Knievel jumped 16 automobiles in a row in a motorcycle stunt at Ascot Speedway in Gardena, California. .

 

1981: The compact disc was first introduced.

 

1989: The U.S. issued patent #4,834,212 for the Mouth Muffler, a sound-absorbing device that a person may yell or scream into without disturbing other people. ***MARLAR: The hard part is getting your mother-in-law to stuff it in her mouth.

 

1992: Singers Paul Simon and Edie Brickell were married on Long Island, New York.

 

1996: Britain’s Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson were granted an uncontested divorce ending their 10-year marriage.

 

2000: A New Jersey teenager was charged with disorderly conduct after he threw an 11-inch dead bluefish onto the windshield of a passing car. The 15-year-old was reeled in near Egg Harbor Township after police rushed to the scene and found him with the smoking fish at his feet.

 

2003: TV news anchor Peter Jennings took the U.S. citizenship test and was sworn in, along with 50 other new citizens, at a ceremony in Manhattan. He retained his Canadian citizenship. After working 40 years for ABC News, Jennings died of lung cancer in 2005 at age 67.

 

2004: Buddy Rice won the Indianapolis 500 in the rain.

 

2006: The FBI said it had found no trace of missing labor leader Jimmy Hoffa after digging up a suburban Detroit horse farm.

 

2007: Students at Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnesota, celebrated graduation with a late-night skinny dip in a campus pond. A security guard found between 50 and 80 naked students or recent graduates. The guard called police when he “did not get the cooperation he hoped for” from the students. In fact, some students pushed the guard’s golf cart into the pond. By the time police arrived, students were either gone or dressed.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

339: Eusebius dies at age 74. Author of the 10-volume Ecclesiastical History, he is called the father of church history. In his day, though, he was as much a maker of history as a recorder. At the Council of Nicea, he argued for peace between the heretical Arians and Orthodox leaders like Athanasius. When Arianism became hugely popular after the Council, Eusebius was one of the people to depose Athanasius. Though he wasn’t an Arian himself, he strongly opposed anti-Arianism.

 

1416: Jerome of Prague burns at the stake for heresy. When the Council of Constance arrested and tried his fellow Bohemian reformer Jan Hus, Jerome went to defend him, sealing his own fate.

 

1431: French revolutionary Joan of Arc burns at the stake for heresy. Her last words were, “Jesus, Jesus”

 

1672: The governor of Rhode Island cordially entertains Quaker founder George Fox. “Most of the pupils had never heard of Friends before,” Fox said, “but they were mightily affected with the meeting, and there is a great desire amongst them after the Truth.

 

1822: A slave betrays the plans of African Methodist (and former slave) Denmark Vesey to stage a massive slave uprising on July 14. Of the 131 African Americans arrested in the plot, 35 were executed (including Vesey) and 43 were deported. Vesey’s Charleston, South Carolina, church was closed until 1865.

 

1934: The first synod of the Confessing Church at Barmen ends. Influenced by Karl Barth, the synod resisted the teachings of the Nazi German Christians.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Eric on “Judging Amy”, Karl on “Lost”) Blake Bashoff 34 (audio clip)
  • actor (Eric Cartman on “South Park”) Trey Parker 43 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Benny Goodman

1944 : Lenny Davidson (The Dave Clark Five)

1955 : Topper Headon (The Clash)

1958 : Marie Fredriksson (Roxette)

1964 : Tom Morello (Rage Against The Machine, Audioslave)

1964 : Wynonna

1971 : Patrick Dalheimer (Live)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why does the biggest, the best, or the most really “take the cake?”

In my hierarchy of treats, cake takes pride of place over cookies and candy, so I’m very comfortable with the idea of whomever or whatever is tops taking home the cake–as long as I can have a slice. But you did want an explanation, not a food review. In fact, there is no very good explanation other than that grand one-size-fits-all cop-out: tradition! A cake has been the reward or prize for various achievements since the beginning of recorded history. In recent times it’s what you got for dancing best at Irish dances. Among African-Americans in the South it was the prize for the best dance in the appropriately named event, the “cake walk.” The ancient Greeks gave it to the person who could out-drink everyone else. But then if the libation were good enough, the prize was merely icing on the…well, you know.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Do you agree or disagree with Francesca Battistelli? She tweeted: I submit to the world that there is not much cuter than a 2.5-year-old singing “My Favorite Things” and spinning around in a nightgown!

 

Think you have what it takes to write great worship songs. A recent blog from Third Day’s Mark Lee has some tips. He shared two tips as part of the blog Where do your ideas come from? Mark said (1) Write every morning, write fast and furious, and don’t worry about editing and (2) write on schedule, using two or three blocks of time each week.

 

On one recent concert trip Matt Maher found a stowaway in one of his boots. While unpacking at his first concert stop Matt found one of his daughters dolls in the boot, left there to keep him company while he travels. Matt says having a growing daughter is providing a new reality.

 

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer says he may have just screamed like a girl. He was sitting alone in his kitchen eating some toast late at night while watching X-Files when a giant owl to fly right up to his window. He even shared a picture of the owl perched out side his window after his heart rate returned to normal.

 

A suggestion from the members of the Rhett Walker Band as they prepared to go frog gigging one night this week: Hey Underarmour. When will we see an Underarmer gigging line? Who knows, it might be the next big thing.

 

Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman was recently asked: Do you ever feel like your songwriting is a weapon? Jon’s reply was: I feel like good songwriting has a strength and camouflage-like subtlety – certainly more powerful than law or ammo.

 

Brandon Bagby recently had one of his drawings come full circle. The Audio Adrenaline guitarist shared a picture of a stamp on an envelop he had just received, a stamp he designed and had made available on the web site zazzle.com. Brandon tweeted: Always fun when you receive a card in the mail with your artwork on the stamp.

 

Mercyme’s Barry Graul is riding in the 2015 Nashville Tour de Cure this weekend to help raise money to stop Diabetes. Barry shared online: I am committed to ride and raise money in this inspirational event not because 29 million people in the United States have diabetes, but because I personally know some of them, and I want to do something about it.

 

Natalie Grant has a deal with her daughters. She told them that, because it’s summer, they get to stay up a little later at night. But the deal is that it’s not for technology time, it’s for reading time.

 

++++++++++

 

Comedian Daren Streblow says he saw an infomercial about a pressure cooker and bought one. Now it sounds like he’s a little out of control. Daren tweeted: I can’t pressure cook enough now.. whole chickens… cereal… old flip phones…

 

Mark Schultz’s wife Kate is trying something new. Mark announced on his Facebook page that she is starting a writing career. Kate has already released an Action and Adventure book for teens and young adults called Snow in Sicily. And she is now working on three children’s picture books. Mark says proceeds from the books will go to Remember Me Mission, the non-profit started by Mark and Kate to benefit orphans.

 

Juan DeVevo’s definition of a selfie stick might be different than most others. The Casting Crowns guitarist tweeted: Selfie Stick: a stick I use to hit people taking selfies.

 

Mark Lee wants to know if you can spare some change. The Third Day guitarist is out with another blog. He wrote: Whenever we think about change, it’s go big or go home. This is a lovely thought, except for one thing. We almost never follow through with it. Because it’s just too big, too much, too different for us to be able to handle. But Mark says: what if change was like, well, change? All those small things add up to big things. And next thing you know, you’ve changed.

 

Jeremy Camp is putting it all in perspective. He tweeted: I want to remember to be like the leper who was healed & stopped to say THANK YOU, instead of carrying on and forget what Jesus has done.

 

Some dad advice from Casting Crowns Mark Hall in response to the question: when is it ok to make little jokes about your daughter’s weight? Mark says: Never, Ever, Ever…Words cut deep and are never forgotten.

 

Big Daddy Weave drummer Jeff Jones is wrapping up work on a drumming course. He says he is wrapping up work on the last few videos and links will be coming soon.

 

Citizenway member David Blascoe says it’s official…he is in the early stages of conjuring up his own beard oil.

 

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard last week shared some advice given to him more than 10 years ago. He said: It’s silliness to be jealous of the story God is writing in someone else’s life when he is writing something unique for you in yours.’

 

The band Cloverton last week introduced their new guitarist. His name is Conner Giles and he hails from Nebraska. Conner actually studied the cello at the Glenn Korff School of Music, a division of the University of Nebraska in Lincoln. Band members say he enjoys classical music, reading, outer space, and vegetables.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Judge dismisses case from Ohio pair trying to keep pet bear
MEDINA, Ohio (AP) — A judge has dismissed a civil case by a northeast Ohio couple who want to keep their toothless, 41-year-old black bear despite not getting a required state permit. A Medina (meh-DY’-nuh) County judge ruled the court could have jurisdiction to consider an injunction if the…

 

Oh, brother: Twins charged with hurling bricks at each other
ORANGE CITY, Fla. (AP) — What are a few bricks between brothers? Well, they’re worth battery charges for twin 52-year-olds after officials say an argument ended with them hurling the projectiles at each other. HASH(0x1414620) According to a police report, Michael Remelius followed through,…
Wife, husband say they hit back-to-back holes-in-one
GRAND LEDGE, Mich. (AP) — A wife and husband from Michigan say they both got a hole-in-one in consecutive shots at the same hole. HASH(0x140bd80) The newspaper says two golfers who didn’t know the Blundys verified the back-to-back holes-in-one. According to contest prize insurer National…
Oops: Israeli Burning Man festival torches ancient remains
JERUSALEM (AP) — The Israeli Antiquities Authority says revelers at a Burning Man festival famous for its pyrotechnic spectacles have accidentally torched some remnants of prehistoric man. Archaeologist Yoram Haimi says organizers of Midburn, an Israeli affiliate of the Nevada carnival,…
Village cites resident for having beehives without a permit
MONTEBELLO, N.Y. (AP) — A New York man is battling his village after he was issued citations for having beehives on his property. Zev Oster says he keeps two beehives on his Rockland County property in Montebello to pollinate 50 blueberry bushes. The 39-year-old man says he was ticketed for…
Police: Steven Tyler not really doing a strawberry farm show
WEST WINDSOR, N.J. (AP) — Police have alerted residents of a New Jersey township that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler will not be performing at a small pick-your-own strawberry farm. HASH(0x1410290) Farm owner Wayne Kalinowski says he was tipped to the problem when a woman wanted to know more…
Man acquitted of animal cruelty for blowing pot smoke
CHICAGO (AP) — A judge has acquitted a Chicago man of animal cruelty charges filed after the man posted a video of himself smoking marijuana with a chameleon. After viewing the video and hearing the arguments of prosecutors and defense attorneys, Cook County Circuit Judge Robert Kuzas ruled…
Polish police search for man who entered bear enclosure
WARSAW, Poland (AP) — Polish authorities are searching for a man who tangled with a bear at Warsaw’s zoo and escaped, leaving traces of his blood behind. Maria Krakowiak, head of the animals of prey section at the Warsaw zoo, said Thursday the man hasn’t been found after his dangerous stunt…
Illinois couple welcomes their 100th grandchild    photo
QUINCY, Ill. (AP) — A western Illinois couple recently celebrated the birth of their 100th grandchild. Leo and Ruth Zanger of Quincy have 53 grandchildren, 46 great-grandchildren and one great-great-grandchild. The birth of great-grandson Jaxton Leo on April 8 made the number 100….
Ohio man posts message on his SUV: ‘Got kidney? I need 1’    photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — A man in need of a kidney donor is taking his search on the road in unusual fashion, with bright yellow letters taped to the rear window of his SUV. The message on Neal Raisman’s silver-blue vehicle reads: “Got kidney? I need 1.” It includes a phone number for interested…
3 burglars share tips of trade in crime prevention video    photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Police looking to educate the public about ways to prevent break-ins turned to the experts — a trio of convicted burglars. The Columbus Police Department recruited the inmates with the help of the state prisons agency and produced a YouTube video in which the…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

First hearing in House lawsuit over Obama health law
WASHINGTON (AP) — Obama administration attorneys are urging a federal judge to throw out an election-year lawsuit by House Republicans over the president’s health care law. Attorneys for the House counter that their unusual suit deals with critically important issues related to the separation…

 

NIH: Major study finds earlier HIV treatment improves health    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A major international study sought to settle how soon is best to start HIV treatment — and the advice is don’t delay. People who started anti-AIDS drugs while their immune system was strong were far less likely to develop AIDS or other serious illnesses than if they…
Shocking ads ignite debate about abortion ban in Chile    photo
SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) — The video shows a woman climbing a stairwell, her belly visibly pregnant, as she offers suggestions: Make sure there are no security cameras. Be careful not to look down or you might regret it. She tumbles backward as the screen goes black. “When you reach the bottom…
Pentagon: Military mistakenly shipped live anthrax samples
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said Wednesday it is investigating what the Pentagon called an inadvertent shipment of live anthrax spores to government and commercial laboratories in as many as nine states, as well as one overseas, that expected to receive…
French, US biochemists win top Spanish prize for science
MADRID (AP) — Biochemists Emmanuelle Charpentier from France and Jennifer Doudna from the United States have been awarded Spain’s Princess of Asturias scientific research award for their work in biotechnology. The award foundation said in a statement Thursday that the “revolutionary” work of…
US high court: California county drug disposal law stands
OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) — The U.S. Supreme Court is letting a Northern California county’s drug disposal law stand, paving the way for similar ordinances elsewhere. The court refused to hear the pharmaceutical industry’s challenge to an Alameda County program that requires drug companies to pay…
Study reveals flaws in gene testing; results often conflict    photo
The first report from a big public-private project to improve genetic testing reveals it is not as rock solid as many people believe, with flaws that result in some people wrongly advised to worry about a disease risk and others wrongly told they can relax. Researchers say the study shows the need…
Health law court case winner could be political loser    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The party that wins the impending Supreme Court decision on President Barack Obama’s health care law could be the political loser. If the Republican-backed challenge to the law’s subsidies for lower-earning Americans prevails, the GOP would have achieved a paramount goal of…
UN: Fewer hungry people in the world despite wars, poverty
ROME (AP) — The number of hungry people around the world has dropped to 795 million from over a billion a quarter-century ago despite natural disasters, ongoing conflicts and poverty, the three U.N. food agencies said Wednesday. Countries in East Asia, Latin America and the Caribbean showed…
Man diagnosed with Lassa fever dies in US after Liberia trip
NEW YORK (AP) — A New Jersey man died Monday evening after been diagnosed with Lassa fever — a frightening infectious disease from West Africa that is rarely seen in the United States, a federal health official said. The man recently returned from Liberia, arriving at New York City’s…
Quadruplets born to 65-year-old mom still in critical phase    photo
BERLIN (AP) — Doctors say the week-old quadruplets born prematurely to 65-year-old Annegret Raunigk in Berlin are still in intensive care, but have been gaining a little weight and are being given their mother’s milk through feeding tubes. The babies were born during the 26th week of…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Wrong Numbers”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ken Davis, “Rat Salad”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was flying around the world with Jean Claude the flying squirrel trying to find somewhere that didn’t know about Steve Mozart. But alas, that was impossible – so Millard, defeated, is now heading back home… where he always takes second place to Steve Mozart.

 

CLOSE: What on earth could Millard be planning? What does a copy shop have to do with Steve Mozart’s concert? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 30/31, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals had really busy schedules – so busy in fact that not only did they not have time to get everything done, but they didn’t have time even to plan what they had to do! They didn’t even have time for campfire meetings – and now, no time to even talk to each other!

 

CLOSE: It’s no wonder they’re so exhausted – they’ve been working so hard and so long without sleep! But now how will they get everything done on their schedules? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

One woman lives a nightmare while trying to find “Mr. Right!”

A woman in (Gloucester) England is suing a dating agency for sending her on eight dates with men who were the exact opposite of what she requested. 49-year-old Janet Forse is suing the New Horizons agency, a former car salesman. Forse told the newspaper she specifically told Lavender in January she wanted a rugged professional man who owned his own home and did not smoke. She then paid him $470 for a year’s membership. So far, he’s sent her out with a chain-smoking truck driver who lived in a trailer, a nervous unshaven carpenter, a married engineer who wanted secrecy, and one man who sounded quite promising during their first phone conversation. However, he phoned her twice before the date, both times very drunk. Forse said when she complained about him to Lavender, he told her the man had a speech impediment.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS MAFIA CONNECTIONS

 

  1. People call him Tony “the butcher” …and he’s an accountant.

 

  1. He introduces his father as “Big Joey”.

 

  1. His gives you your Christmas gifts saying that they came from “a distributor.”

 

  1. The Armani suits, black jag, and a wallet thicker than the phone book, but yet his job is a used piano dealer.

 

  1. Nobody’s seen his Calculus professor since your boyfriend got an F in his class….

 

  1. Has “Assassinations For Dummies” on his coffee table.

 

  1. The face of the joker who insulted the two of you at the resturant last week is on your milk carton this morning.

 

  1. You have to store stuff in the car’s back seat, ‘cuz trunk is always taken up by his ‘golf bag’.

 

  1. The last five other guys who have asked you out all by coincidence fell and broke their kneecaps.

 

  1. He has no mafia connections. Capiche?

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A robber leaves empty handed because of he couldn’t get it “his way” at Burger King!

 

FILE #1: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

 

FILE #2: Senior citizens often find it hard for people to take them seriously when they opt for behaviors or lifestyles that don’t exactly fit into our perception of the Golden Years. So it’s easy to sympathize with the elderly female bank robber who had to fire four shots in the air to get a German teller to take her demand for cash with a straight face. Police say the frail, 65-year-old woman was tired of making ends meet with her pension, so she pulled a stocking over her face, grabbed a gun and pulled a stick-up. The teller refused to take her demands seriously until she pumped four rounds into the ceiling and that’s when he handed over $15,000 in cash. Unfortunately the car the woman was driving as a getaway car failed to outrun police. She was arrested a few blocks from the bank.

 

FILE #3: While robbing an apartment building, Kenneth Bartelson got his brother to be his look out to avoid being caught. The only problem was that his brother Eugene did not posses the right stuff to be a look out, considering he is blind! A building resident who saw the two leaving the apartment became suspicious and called police, then waited in front of the building for police to arrive. Eugene, who can only see shadows, mistook the resident for his brother and was standing next to him when the officers drove up. Both men were charged with attempted robbery. ***MARLAR: It was another case of the blind leading the blind. They both better hope that justice is blind!

 

STRANGE LAW: In Alabama it is illegal to operate any vehicle while blindfolded.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

“What’s up?”  That’s the question in today’s Brain on Drugs!

In Des Moines, Iowa, police officer Patrick Hickey was checking license plates in an alley as part of a recent drug investigation when a man asked him “what’s up?” Hickey responded by asking the man “what’s up?” The man asked Hickey the same question again, to which Hickey again replied “what’s up?” To that, the man said “I’ll show you what’s up” and went inside a nearby house and came out with a .38-caliber handgun and apparently using some of the product he was being investigated for. Hickey said he showed the man his badge and pointed his gun at the man, who put down his gun. The man, Stewart Jenkins, was wanted in Michigan, where he was on parole for assault and drug charges. He’s back in jail — and that’s what’s up.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the most expensive thing your pet ever ate, chewed up, or destroyed?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who asked the Lord to smite the Syrian army with blindness?
ANSWER: Elisha (2 Kings 6:18)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION:  Employees were asked what one item they’d most like to bring in from home, what was the number one answer?
ANSWER:  Their Bed

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. There is an average of 148 typhoons and hurricanes every year. (True)

 

  1. A typical Roman chariot race had twelve laps. (False, seven)

 

  1. In France strawberries were cultivated in the 13th Century for use as a medicinal herb. (True)

 

  1. The biggest known star is about 100 times as big as the sun. (False – 2,000 times bigger!)

 

  1. The tallest tree ever was an Australian eucalyptus – In 1872 it was measured at over 1,000 feet tall. (False – 435 feet tall)

 

  1. The smallest telescopes available at your local Wal-mart are more powerful than the one Galileo used to discover the various parts of our solar system. (True)

 

  1. A player must be at least 18 years old to be eligible to sign with a Major League Baseball team. (False – 16 years old)

 

  1. Charlie Chaplin was left handed. (True)

 

  1. An aircraft carrier gets about 6 inches per gallon of fuel. (True)

 

  1. Martial Arts expert Bruce Lee loved to read. (True. He had his own personal library with hundreds of books.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ ON NEW DOLLAR BILL (OBAMA)

WASHINGTON – The White House has approved the redesign of U.S. currency.  Barack Obama will be on the new dollar bill.

The Obama Administration feels that the American dollar is in bad need of a makeover.  They have partnered with the Dollar ReDe$ign Project to pick a new design for U.S. currency.  Currently, the design that the administration likes best was done by Dowling Duncan (a British duo), which features a unique vertical design.  It also features President Obama on the one dollar bill.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

“Here is your ocean side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all those stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

 

JOKE #2

According to American researchers, 15 minutes of giggling can burn off the number of calories found in a piece of chocolate.  ***MARLAR: And what better way to burn fat than by laughing at fat jokes?

YOU KNOW YOU’RE FAT WHEN…

  • Your favorite shirt is a tent.
  • Your driver’s license says “Picture continued on other side.”
  • Your blood type is Ragu.
  • When the cashier at KFC asks what size bucket you want, and you say, “The one on the roof.”
  • You use bacon for Band-aids.
  • Every time you wear high heels, you strike oil.
  • Your cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
  • When you go in the water at the beach, you change the tide.
  • Your belly button makes an echo.
  • You wear a hula hoop for a belly button ring.
  • People jog around you for exercise.
  • You have smaller fat people orbiting around you, unable to break away from your gravitational pull.

 

JOKE #3

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resource Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years—say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Cosmopolitan reports that 20% of women say technology makes it harder to communicate face-to-face.  ***MARLAR: Ironically, we learned this information via Facebook.

 

Imagine walking into the kitchen, flipping on a light, and automatically be able to see what’s in the fridge, without ever opening the door! It’s coming — Inventor Bruce Lambert has developed a refrigerator with a mirror as the door and when a light is turned on inside the fridge, it turns into a clear window so you can see the food inside without opening the door. His purpose for the invention? One, it saves energy and two, it encourages dieting because people can see their reflections as they approach the door.  ***MARLAR: We can’t afford anything like that, so to keep from going near the fridge we just put up a picture of (NEXT JOCK).

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

I FIGURED OUT YOUR PROBLEM

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game.”

“When is that?” asked the kid.

“Right after the National Anthem.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE… BUT IT ISN’T!
Three theologians representing Jesus Christ sued the Protestant and Roman Catholic churches for bringing his name into disrepute — and lost in a German courtroom. The theologians, calling themselves “brothers in spirit” of Christ, sued under a law that lets people defend their dead relatives’ reputations. They argued that the churches’ role in wars had disqualified them from calling themselves ”Christian.” The judge threw out the case on the grounds that the German constitution guaranteed religious freedom — but not before he pointed out that, since Christians believe Christ rose from the dead, his “brothers” had no right to bring a case on his behalf since the law specifies that you can only sue if your relative is dead.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. “That’s my son over there,” she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

“He’s a fine looking boy,” the man said. “That’s my son on the swing in the blue sweater.” Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. “What do you say we go, Todd?”

Todd pleaded, “Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes.” The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart’s content.

Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. “Time to go now?”

Again Todd pleaded, “Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes.” The man smiled and said, “Okay.”

“My, you certainly are a patient father,” the woman responded.

The man smiled and then said, “My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I’d give anything for just five more minutes with him. I’ve vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd.

“He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is . . . I get five more minutes to watch him play.”

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BEYOND AMAZING

READ: Psalm 19:1-6

The heavens are the work of Your hands. —Psalm 102:25

In 1977, the United States launched a rocket into space. On board was a small craft called Voyager I, a probe that was jettisoned into space to explore the planets. After Voyager was done sending back photos and data from the planet Jupiter and its neighbors, it didn’t stop working. It just kept going.

Today, almost 30 years later, that tiny vehicle is still going—traveling at a speed of over 38,000 miles per hour. And it’s nearly 9 billion miles from the sun. That’s mind-boggling! Brilliant scientists have sent a ship to the edge of our solar system. It’s astounding. It’s amazing.

But it’s absolutely puny when compared with what God has done. It would be like hearing someone brag to the architect of the Empire State Building that he had traveled to the second floor.

We have barely begun to explore the vastness of God’s creation. But every small step by mankind should continue to put us in absolute awe of God’s power and creativity. Think of this: While we have left the realm of one star with a spaceship, the Creator of the stars “calls them all by name” (Isaiah 40:26). After all, He made them.

Exploring the universe is amazing. But exploring the God who made it all: That’s beyond amazing! —Dave Branon

 

I sing the mighty power of God
That made the mountains rise,
That spread the flowing seas abroad
And built the lofty skies.  —Watts

 

The wonder of it all—just to think that God loves me.  —Shea

 

 

LEFTOVERS

CAN THEY PROVE IT?
Sean Morton, founder of The Prophecy Research Institute in California has recently produced an audio tape that has nothing but a high pitched sound on it. According to Morton, he did so to “keep aliens away” since “aliens function on a relatively simple, three-level energy system, and this overloads their nervous systems”. So far so good, as he hasn’t seen any aliens since he came up with this theory!  ***MARLAR: Constant high-pitched sounds… couldn’t you also get that watching American Idol contestants?

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO DEAL WITH A BAD BOSS
(The National Enquirer) Thinking of quitting your job because your boss is making your life a nightmare? There are several easy steps you can take to get along with a bad boss, even if he’s a monster, said Tag Goulet, co-CEO of FabJob.com. Here are Goulet’s top tips:

  • Mimic those who successfully deal with your boss — “Study your boss, and try to deduce how those who get along with him relate to him,” said Goulet. “Then, copy their behavior.”
  • Support your boss — “Most bosses want all the back-up they can get. This is especially true for the new supervisor who fears losing control, losing face and losing his or her job.”
  • Stand up for yourself — “Supporting your boss isn’t the same as being a doormat. Sometimes, bosses intentionally pick on the weaker employee. Do not tolerate being yelled at or treated badly. Say, ‘It’s not okay to talk to me like that.’ Sometimes bosses aren’t aware of what they’re doing. You can bring this problem to your boss’ attention while still being respectful, and your boss may respect you more for standing up for yourself. “But don’t complain to your bosses superior. It can be a big mistake. That supervisor may decide he needs your boss more than he needs you, and out you go.”
  • Document the problem — “If your boss is a bully, keep a written record of every bullying incident and, whenever possible, have a witness. Many companies have a zero-tolerance policy toward harassment or bullying. Look for support from your human resources department or senior management. But you must have a well-document case.”
  • Quit — “If your situation does not improve, you may have to look for another job,” said Goulet. “The worst thing you can do is nothing, and sacrifice your health and self-esteem.”

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

WASH WHERE I CAN HIDE!

An 11-year-old girl thought a washing machine was the perfect place for a game of hide-and-seek recently… that is, until she got stuck inside for over 90 minutes! The girl was playing with her brother and some friends, and she crawled into the machine and got jammed with her legs wrapped around the agitator and her back wedged against the tub. Her mom first called a repairman, who gave up after an hour. Then she called the firefighters, who finally had to cut the kid loose with the Jaws of Life.

 

 

FUN LIST

ENTERTAINMENT TIPS… FOR BACHELORS

  • When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.
  • Party games are almost always a good idea. My favorite party game is “Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.”
  • A good host must always be a STICKLER for an attractive food presentation! So, I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinners before serving them.
  • And finally, when decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? I see a tablecloth with character!

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Looking to save a little cash each month on your energy bill?  

…Shut down your game console in between plays. According to a recent study almost 70 percent of the overall power draw of the world’s consoles comes while the machines are sitting idle. It translates into about a billion dollars in wasted power each year.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only, None On The Weekends)

A 140-foot bulletproof cross is towering over skyscrapers in the most unlikely of places: Pakistan. According to Mission Network News, Pervez Henry Gill, the donor and man who had the dream of building the monument in the first place, told the Washington Post he wanted it to be a beacon of hope for Christians, letting them know they have a brighter future.

http://t.co/1aVOZdmw2O

 

It’s not uncommon for wealthy couples to sail the Mediterranean in a yacht, but Chris and Regina Catrambone are cruising in a 130-foot ship outfitted especially to rescue migrants at sea. The family was moved last summer by the loss of life among thousands of people fleeing North Africa to find a better life in Europe. In response, they decided to buy a search-and-rescue ship. In their first 60 days, the Catrambones and their crew saved 3,000 lives. The Phoenix redeployed just this month and has run the total up to 4,441.

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/wealthy-couple-buy-rescue-ship-save-migrants/

 

When a medical emergency took place during a recent graduation, one student used the concern as a time to pray. Christian Crawford, the senior class president, approached the podium as he felt led to pray, not knowing what was taking place. He said “Everybody, can I have your attention real quick?” he said. “We don’t know what’s going on, but we will pray. We know that prayer is power, and that God is able.”  *** We get a lot of bad news about our youth in the news, so it’s good to know there are God-honoring teens out there as well who could become leaders in our country in the future!

http://christiannews.net/2015/05/22/fix-it-jesus-student-takes-podium-to-pray-as-medical-emergency-unfolds-during-graduation/

 

What’s the strangest thing your pastor has ever done? Pastor Lawrence Bishop II, in front of a fully-packed church, climbed up on the back of a snorting, anxious bull named Bonecrusher. The animal was let loose, and Bishop hung on tight as he was bucked around the ring he built inside his Ohio church. He lasted about three seconds before being thrown off and trampled. Battered and bruised, the 48-year-old preacher then picked himself up, climbed to safety and began his sermon. All this happened during one Wednesday night service at the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio. Bishop’s church is easy to spot. It’s the one with the 52-foot statue of Jesus facing I-75, nicknamed “Hug Me Jesus,” because of his open arms. Bishop says Embracing new believers is why the ministry decided to bring bull riding inside the church’s walls. He added: “the Bible said to compel them to come in, and so that’s what we’re doing,”

http://abcnews.go.com/US/ohio-pastor-rides-bulls-inside-church-attract-believers/story?id=31156025

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’d like to leave you with a serious thought today. Unfortunately, I can’t think of one.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 29, 2015…

 

San Andreas 3 D—There has been a giant earthquake in southern California. Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is a helicopter rescue pilot who, with his former wife Carla Gugino) is trying to find their lost daughter, Alexandra Daddario. Paul Giamatti is also in the cast. They are heading for San Francisco and all this in 3 D, too. “San Andreas 3 D” is rated PG 13.. Rating of 3 for fans. (Note: for another Southern California earthquake movie, see “Earthquake {1974} with Charlton Heston and Ava Gardner.) With “Aloha” opening this weekend, people fleeing the earthquake can head for the South Pacific.

 

Aloha—Bradley Cooper is a  contractor who falls in love with a woman pilot (Emma Stone.) He is doing satellite work. All this set against the South Pacific and written by Cameron Crowe. The cast is a large one including Rachel McAdams, Alec Baldwin, Bill Murray, Danny McBride and John Krasinski. “Aloha” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the cast.

 

JUNE 05, 2015…

 

Entourage with the film continuing the television series, is finally here. Stars Adrian Grenier and Jeremy Piven (now “Mr. Selfridge” on PBS)

 

Insidious Chapter 3 had to happen, with Dermot Mulroney and Lin Shaye, the haunting continues.

 

Spy has Melissa McCarthy as the bottom of the FBI totem pole who decides to volunteer for a mission.

 

Testament of Youth stars Alicia Vikander (“Ex Machina”) and Kit Harington (“Game of Thrones”) in a movie about WWI.

 

Love & Mercy stars Elizabeth Banks (“Perfect Pitch 2”), John Cusack and Paul Dano

 

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WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.