May 30, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170530
PDF: 20170530

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Laugh and the world laughs with you — smoke and you smoke alone. (And second-hand laughter doesn’t cause cancer!)

Companies are cracking down on unproductive time at the office, but I work from home – so I’ve just installed spyware on my home office computer; that way later on I can check and see if I’m surfing inappropriate sites when I should be working.

Old people and technology. My Aunt Melba just emailed me a photo of her grandson. But then she sent a second email asking me to email it back to her… because it was her only copy. (Sigh.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. –Philippians 2:3-4

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. — Romans 12:15

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom? — Proverbs 17:16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. — Proverbs 31:8

Thought: Christians in every era are called to defend the rights of the weak, speak up for the disenfranchised, and protect the life of those who are vulnerable. This comprehensive call is the great reminder that the blessings, rights, wealth, and power we may have is not ours alone; it is a gift from God to be used to bless those who have no power to speak, to defend, or to protect themselves.

Prayer: Father, rouse in your people, rouse in me, a passion to stand up for those who are vulnerable to abuse, to abandonment, and to attack. Please use us, and especially Father, please use me, to be a redemptive force in the time and the circle of influence in which I live. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

John 5:30 NIV = By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MAY 30, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
208 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is LOOMIS DAY, honoring Washington, D.C., dentist Mahlon Loomis, who patented wireless telegraphy in 1872. ***And you thought text-messaging was a relatively new invention, didn’t you?

Today is DADDY DOES DINNER DAY. ***The object of this day is to get dads to create dinner on their own with no help whatsoever. My dad became a master at this… he had the number to Pizza Hut memorized.

Today is COMPACT DISC DAY. ***Which are incredible when it comes to high-quality music… assuming you can ever get them out of the wrapper.

TODAY IS ALSO…
Mint Julep Day
Shavout

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31

National Senior Health & Fitness Day
What You Think Upon Grows Day
World MS Day (Multiple Sclerosis)
World No-Tobacco Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 01

Global Day of Parents
Heimlich Maneuver Day
National Dare Day
National Nailpolish Day
National Go Barefoot Day
National Olive Day
Oscar The Grouch Day
Say Something Nice Day
Stand For Children Day
Superman’s Birthday

FRIDAY, JUNE 02

Hug Your Cat Day
Leave The Office Early Day
National Bubba Day
National Rotisserie Chicken Day
National Gun Violence Awareness Day
Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day
Doughnut Day or Donut Day
Horseradish Day
Mike, The Headless Chicken Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 03

Chimborazo Day
Do-Dah Parade Day
Drawing Day or Pencil Day
Loving Day
National Prairie Day
National Trails Day
The Wicket World of Croquet Day
Turtle Races Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National Cancer Survivors Day
Old Maid’s Day
Children’s Awareness Memorial Day

MONDAY, JUNE 05

Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
World Environment Day
Apple II Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 06
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day

ON THIS DAY

1431: Joan of Acr, the “Maid of Orleans” was burned at the stake for heresy at age 19. She was declared innocent 25 years later. ***Not that it did her any good, after all… being declared innocent after you’ve been dead for 25 years doesn’t really improve your situation.

1539: Hernando de Soto landed in Florida with nine ships, 632 men, 223 horses, and 13 pigs.

1911: Indianapolis hosted its first long-distance auto race; Ray Harroun was the winner at an average speed of 74.59 miles an hour.

1922: Outfielders Cliff Heathcote and Max Flack played for both the Chicago Cubs and the St. Louis Cardinals. They were traded for each other between games in a double-header. The Cubs won both games.

1922: “Smilin” Ed McConnell and his banjo debuted on radio. He would make Froggie the Gremlin and His Magic Twanger famous among America’s children.

1927: Toronto attorney Charles Miller set off the goofiest race in history when he died and willed his $568,000 estate to the Toronto woman who could give birth to the most children in the ten years following his death. Ten years later, on this date in 1937, four women split the purse in the so-called Stork Derby. Each had produced nine children.

1937: New York Giant pitcher Carl Hubbell won his 24th consecutive regular-season game in a two-year period. He went 26-6 in 1936 season and 22-8 in 1937.

1966: Carl Dean married Dolly Rebecca Parton in Ringgold, Georgia.

1967: Daredevil Evel Knievel jumped 16 automobiles in a row in a motorcycle stunt at Ascot Speedway in Gardena, California. .

1981: The compact disc was first introduced.

1989: The U.S. issued patent #4,834,212 for the Mouth Muffler, a sound-absorbing device that a person may yell or scream into without disturbing other people. ***The hard part is getting your mother-in-law to stuff it in her mouth.

1992: Singers Paul Simon and Edie Brickell were married on Long Island, New York.

1996: Britain’s Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson were granted an uncontested divorce ending their 10-year marriage.

2000: A New Jersey teenager was charged with disorderly conduct after he threw an 11-inch dead bluefish onto the windshield of a passing car. The 15-year-old was reeled in near Egg Harbor Township after police rushed to the scene and found him with the smoking fish at his feet.

2003: TV news anchor Peter Jennings took the U.S. citizenship test and was sworn in, along with 50 other new citizens, at a ceremony in Manhattan. He retained his Canadian citizenship. After working 40 years for ABC News, Jennings died of lung cancer in 2005 at age 67.

2004: Buddy Rice won the Indianapolis 500 in the rain.

2006: The FBI said it had found no trace of missing labor leader Jimmy Hoffa after digging up a suburban Detroit horse farm.

2007: Students at Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnesota, celebrated graduation with a late-night skinny dip in a campus pond. A security guard found between 50 and 80 naked students or recent graduates. The guard called police when he “did not get the cooperation he hoped for” from the students. In fact, some students pushed the guard’s golf cart into the pond. By the time police arrived, students were either gone or dressed.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

339: Eusebius dies at age 74. Author of the 10-volume Ecclesiastical History, he is called the father of church history. In his day, though, he was as much a maker of history as a recorder. At the Council of Nicea, he argued for peace between the heretical Arians and Orthodox leaders like Athanasius. When Arianism became hugely popular after the Council, Eusebius was one of the people to depose Athanasius. Though he wasn’t an Arian himself, he strongly opposed anti-Arianism.

1416: Jerome of Prague burns at the stake for heresy. When the Council of Constance arrested and tried his fellow Bohemian reformer Jan Hus, Jerome went to defend him, sealing his own fate.

1431: French revolutionary Joan of Arc burns at the stake for heresy. Her last words were, “Jesus, Jesus”

1672: The governor of Rhode Island cordially entertains Quaker founder George Fox. “Most of the pupils had never heard of Friends before,” Fox said, “but they were mightily affected with the meeting, and there is a great desire amongst them after the Truth.

1822: A slave betrays the plans of African Methodist (and former slave) Denmark Vesey to stage a massive slave uprising on July 14. Of the 131 African Americans arrested in the plot, 35 were executed (including Vesey) and 43 were deported. Vesey’s Charleston, South Carolina, church was closed until 1865.

1934: The first synod of the Confessing Church at Barmen ends. Influenced by Karl Barth, the synod resisted the teachings of the Nazi German Christians.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Eric on “Judging Amy”, Karl on “Lost”) Blake Bashoff 36 (audio clip)

  • actor (Eric Cartman on “South Park”) Trey Parker 45 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Benny Goodman

1944 : Lenny Davidson (The Dave Clark Five)

1955 : Topper Headon (The Clash)

1958 : Marie Fredriksson (Roxette)

1964 : Tom Morello (Rage Against The Machine, Audioslave)

1964 : Wynonna

1971 : Patrick Dalheimer (Live)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why does the biggest, the best, or the most really “take the cake?”

In my hierarchy of treats, cake takes pride of place over cookies and candy, so I’m very comfortable with the idea of whomever or whatever is tops taking home the cake–as long as I can have a slice. But you did want an explanation, not a food review. In fact, there is no very good explanation other than that grand one-size-fits-all cop-out: tradition! A cake has been the reward or prize for various achievements since the beginning of recorded history. In recent times it’s what you got for dancing best at Irish dances. Among African-Americans in the South it was the prize for the best dance in the appropriately named event, the “cake walk.” The ancient Greeks gave it to the person who could out-drink everyone else. But then if the libation were good enough, the prize was merely icing on the…well, you know.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Congratulations to We Are Messengers drummer Alex McVey. Daren posted over the weekend: Our drummer Alex married Haley, the love of his life today. So glad we got to share the day with this incredible couple in the middle of a super busy week. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUlI8kEAdhn/

Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey was backstage with his new wife for the first time this weekend. He posted a picture backstage getting ready with his wife by his side. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUpq4tSD0uS/

Tiffany Lee posted her own version of “you know you’re a redneck if…” The artist who goes by the name Plumb on stage posted a picture what she called “some Memorial Day fun”. It showed her husband and several friends knocking over a tree by driving a tractor into it. The good news is it worked and no one was injured. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUp4t_hhn2m/

Casting Crowns will be touring Europe for the next two weeks. The band will play concerts in Denmark, Germany, Switzerland, The United Kingdom, and the Netherlands. As Casting Crowns traveled out of the USA, member Megan Garrett posted: Leaving the country for a couple weeks. Please pray for safety for Crowns and for our families we are leaving behind. I already miss mine! https://twitter.com/castingcrowns/status/867274092315115520/photo/1

Anberlin’s frontman, Stephen Christian announces the release of his new solo album, Wildfires, set to release on July 28th. According to Merge Media Relations, With the disband of Anberlin in 2014 and working four part-time jobs, Christian began searching what was the next step for his future. During that challenging time, he was able to create this worship project that has special meaning to him. https://t.e2ma.net/message/3jtrjc/fhz75d

Sozo Playlists is partnering with Mandisa to allow you to stream every song from Mandisa’s new album Out of the Dark. Right now the entire album is available on YouTube. http://found.ee/MandisaAlbum

Mercyme guitarist Barry Graul was on the back of a bike this week and it wasn’t a motorcycle. He posted a picture and he peddled along with a group of other riders. Barry says their ride covered 58 miles with 2000 feet of climbing. https://www.instagram.com/p/BUhnUo1DGDY/

David Dunn celebrated his birthday this week but the gift he received won’t go down as one of his favorites. He posted: Fooooooorrrr my birthday THIS year I GOT………….an ear infection

Jamie Grace is taking the week off. She posted: “The Jamie Grace Show will be back next week! I am taking some much needed time off to celebrate the life of my sister’s mother in law.” However, Jamie hasn’t left you with nothing to listen to. She added: in the meantime, THE PODCAST version of the show is back! In includes random rants, inspiring stories, movie reviews and more! https://www.instagram.com/p/BUdb7gfhgYl/

It’s been a rough month for Family Force 5 fans, who said goodbye to Derek “Chapstique” Mount a few weeks ago following his departure from the band, and now seem to be saying the same to Nathan “Nadaddy” Currin. According to New Release Today, While no official announcement has been made by the band, they recently updated their Facebook profile picture and Twitter and Instagram bios, cropping out both Chapstique and Nadaddy and leaving fans to assume that the only remaining members are now Jacob “Crouton” Olds, Joshua “Fatty” Olds and Teddy “Hollywood” Boldt. Nathan Currin has also been absent from the stage through the past month of the band’s shows.

http://nrt.cc/NadaddyDeparture

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Over the weekend, Anchorage police were asking the public to please stop calling 911 about a moose that gave birth to two calves near a Glenn Highway overpass outside of Anchorage. Since the birth, police dispatchers have received more than 100 calls seeing the moose and calves in the area. Now, the police department is asking people to stop tying up their emergency phone line for a non-emergency reason. Officials have also asked people to refrain from slamming on their brakes to stop and snap photos. ***This follows the flood of calls that happened last week with people reporting a flying squirrel wearing goggles. http://bit.ly/2qWM4eY

Green Bay, Wisconsin has been named the Drunkest City In America. Green Bay’s number one ranking shows a two-spot jump from last year’s Drunkest City list, surpassing former number one Appleton, which fell to third place. In fact, the top four drunkest cities in America are all in Wisconsin – the others being Eau Claire at number two, and Madison at number four. ***Wisconsin really needs to find a hobby.

TV viewers in parts of New Jersey saw a warning flash across their screens one evening during primetime last week. The New Jersey Office of Emergency Management says a “nuclear power plant warning” was created as part of a training exercise. They add: “The message was intended for a small group of emergency management personnel who were participating in the exercise.” And, “as a result of a coding error, the message was publicly broadcast.” ***Hey, with the current news today about North Korea, and ISIS, and the hatred towards Trump… any message including the words “nuclear” and “warning” is going to get your attention.

In this case “F” is for felony. A University of Central Florida student is facing a felony charge after allegedly hacking into the school system to change an F grade to a B. University police say an engineering professor became suspicious when he received an email from the school’s electronic grade book thanking him for approving an email from his grade roster several hours after actually approving his grades and getting the same email. The professor reviewed the grades and caught 22-year-old’s Sami Adel Ammar’s change. Ammar eventually turned himself in and faces a felony charge of accessing a computer without authority. ***Just because you saw it in the movie “War Games” doesn’t mean it’s legal, kiddos!

A new trend has some high school students getting their prom dates croissants (yes, the French pastry) to wear on their wrist instead of the traditional floral corsage. The first photo evidence of this hilarious movement dates back on social media to 2015. Julia Gorman got a croissant corsage last year for her senior prom. “I really don’t like corsages and I was talking to a friend about how I didn’t want one,” she told TODAY Style. “He suggested that, instead, I opt for a croissant.” ***So now you can tell your date she looks delicious – and mean it! http://on.today.com/2qhb4ig

Four employees at an Ann Arbor, Michigan, restaurant have been arrested at work by Immigration and Customs Enforcement. The four were detained by officers who first ate breakfast at Sava’s Restaurant, then made the arrests. ***You’re under arrest – but first, could you warm up this coffee for me, please?

NOAA is predicting an active hurricane season this year, with anyone from 5 to 9 to show up this year. ***They expect Hurricane Hillary to blow a lot of air but not do anything significant.

Egypt has moved King Tut’s bed and chariot to a new museum in Cairo. ***No word on whether he brought his jammies.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Analysts say that if we keep making computers that think the way they currently do, there WILL be a robot uprising. ***Although they do say you’re relatively safe so long as your name isn’t Sarah or John Connor.

A poll has come out gauging public interest in likely future technological advancements. We’re generally against the idea of altering the DNA of kids in the womb. We’re don’t seem all that concerned about self-driving cars. But we’re obviously worried about potential sci-fi movie scenarios. because 65% of us are against using robots to care for the sick and elderly, and 63% are against the use of drones in any way. ***Sadly, they didn’t ask the question about whether or not we were cool with Hunter-Killer terminators, but I’m guessing we’d probably be against it.

A recent study by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University confirmed the positive impact of teens sharing meals with their families. The study tracked teenagers who ate dinner with their family two or fewer nights per week compared to those who had dinner with their family at least five times a week. Those teens were one and a half times as likely to drink alcohol, two and a half times as likely to smoke cigarettes, and nearly three times as likely to try marijuana. ***Teens eating dinner at the table with their families were also five times more likely to know how to have a conversation without using a cell phone or using words like LOL.

In Taiwan, people are taking their pets to fortune tellers to find out what is in store for their furry friends. Dogs, cats and even rabbits are being taken to the fortune tellers, with some people bringing pictures of their dead dogs to find out if their pet is having a good life in the afterlife. ***Heck, I can do that. Your pet is happy and it’s in pet-heaven. Now send me five bucks.

British researchers have isolated what they call a “hunger hormone” that can make people so hungry, they’ll eat one-third more food than usual. ***People with that hormone are called “Americans.”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAYS EPISODE

OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Cheetah Bonita’s new song – which was nothing but a solo – had everyone in the jungle deciding not to cooperate with each other – and the only peaceful place, the land of milk and honey which is occupied by the squirrels is off-limits to Cheetah Bonita because she was the reason the jungle was so noisy everywhere else. Sad, she walked into the jungle – and met up with Racquet the Skunk.

CLOSE: What will Cheetah Bonita and Racquet the Skunk find in the swamp? Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

One woman lives a nightmare while trying to find “Mr. Right!”

A woman in (Gloucester) England is suing a dating agency for sending her on eight dates with men who were the exact opposite of what she requested. 49-year-old Janet Forse is suing the New Horizons agency, a former car salesman. Forse told the newspaper she specifically told Lavender in January she wanted a rugged professional man who owned his own home and did not smoke. She then paid him $470 for a year’s membership. So far, he’s sent her out with a chain-smoking truck driver who lived in a trailer, a nervous unshaven carpenter, a married engineer who wanted secrecy, and one man who sounded quite promising during their first phone conversation. However, he phoned her twice before the date, both times very drunk. Forse said when she complained about him to Lavender, he told her the man had a speech impediment.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS MAFIA CONNECTIONS

10. People call him Tony “the butcher” …and he’s an accountant.

9. He introduces his father as “Big Joey”.

8. His gives you your Christmas gifts saying that they came from “a distributor.”

7. The Armani suits, black jag, and a wallet thicker than the phone book, but yet his job is a used piano dealer.

6. Nobody’s seen his Calculus professor since your boyfriend got an F in his class….

5. Has “Assassinations For Dummies” on his coffee table.

4. The face of the joker who insulted the two of you at the resturant last week is on your milk carton this morning.

3. You have to store stuff in the car’s back seat, ‘cuz trunk is always taken up by his ‘golf bag’.

2. The last five other guys who have asked you out all by coincidence fell and broke their kneecaps.

1. He has no mafia connections. Capiche?

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A robber leaves empty handed because of he couldn’t get it “his way” at Burger King!

FILE #1: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

FILE #2: Senior citizens often find it hard for people to take them seriously when they opt for behaviors or lifestyles that don’t exactly fit into our perception of the Golden Years. So it’s easy to sympathize with the elderly female bank robber who had to fire four shots in the air to get a German teller to take her demand for cash with a straight face. Police say the frail, 65-year-old woman was tired of making ends meet with her pension, so she pulled a stocking over her face, grabbed a gun and pulled a stick-up. The teller refused to take her demands seriously until she pumped four rounds into the ceiling and that’s when he handed over $15,000 in cash. Unfortunately the car the woman was driving as a getaway car failed to outrun police. She was arrested a few blocks from the bank.

FILE #3: While robbing an apartment building, Kenneth Bartelson got his brother to be his look out to avoid being caught. The only problem was that his brother Eugene did not posses the right stuff to be a look out, considering he is blind! A building resident who saw the two leaving the apartment became suspicious and called police, then waited in front of the building for police to arrive. Eugene, who can only see shadows, mistook the resident for his brother and was standing next to him when the officers drove up. Both men were charged with attempted robbery. ***MARLAR: It was another case of the blind leading the blind. They both better hope that justice is blind!

STRANGE LAW: In Alabama it is illegal to operate any vehicle while blindfolded.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

What’s up?”  That’s the question in today’s Brain on Drugs!

In Des Moines, Iowa, police officer Patrick Hickey was checking license plates in an alley as part of a recent drug investigation when a man asked him “what’s up?” Hickey responded by asking the man “what’s up?” The man asked Hickey the same question again, to which Hickey again replied “what’s up?” To that, the man said “I’ll show you what’s up” and went inside a nearby house and came out with a .38-caliber handgun and apparently using some of the product he was being investigated for. Hickey said he showed the man his badge and pointed his gun at the man, who put down his gun. The man, Stewart Jenkins, was wanted in Michigan, where he was on parole for assault and drug charges. He’s back in jail — and that’s what’s up.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the most expensive thing your pet ever ate, chewed up, or destroyed?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who asked the Lord to smite the Syrian army with blindness?
ANSWER: Elisha (2 Kings 6:18)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION:  Employees were asked what one item they’d most like to bring in from home, what was the number one answer?
ANSWER:  Their Bed

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There is an average of 148 typhoons and hurricanes every year. (True)

2. A typical Roman chariot race had twelve laps. (False, seven)

3. In France strawberries were cultivated in the 13th Century for use as a medicinal herb. (True)

4. The biggest known star is about 100 times as big as the sun. (False – 2,000 times bigger!)

5. The tallest tree ever was an Australian eucalyptus – In 1872 it was measured at over 1,000 feet tall. (False – 435 feet tall)

6. The smallest telescopes available at your local Wal-mart are more powerful than the one Galileo used to discover the various parts of our solar system. (True)

7. A player must be at least 18 years old to be eligible to sign with a Major League Baseball team. (False – 16 years old)

8. Charlie Chaplin was left handed. (True)

9. An aircraft carrier gets about 6 inches per gallon of fuel. (True)

10. Martial Arts expert Bruce Lee loved to read. (True. He had his own personal library with hundreds of books.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ ON NEW DOLLAR BILL (TRUMP)

WASHINGTON – The White House has approved the redesign of U.S. currency.  Donald Trump will be on the new dollar bill.

The Trump Administration feels that the American dollar is in bad need of a makeover.  They have partnered with the Dollar ReDe$ign Project to pick a new design for U.S. currency.  Currently, the design that the administration likes best was done by Dowling Duncan (a British duo), which features a unique vertical design.  It also features President Trump on the one dollar bill.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

“Here is your ocean side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all those stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

JOKE #2

According to American researchers, 15 minutes of giggling can burn off the number of calories found in a piece of chocolate.  ***MARLAR: And what better way to burn fat than by laughing at fat jokes?

YOU KNOW YOU’RE FAT WHEN…

  • Your favorite shirt is a tent.

  • Your driver’s license says “Picture continued on other side.”

  • Your blood type is Ragu.

  • When the cashier at KFC asks what size bucket you want, and you say, “The one on the roof.”

  • You use bacon for Band-aids.

  • Every time you wear high heels, you strike oil.

  • Your cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

  • When you go in the water at the beach, you change the tide.

  • Your belly button makes an echo.

  • You wear a hula hoop for a belly button ring.

  • People jog around you for exercise.

  • You have smaller fat people orbiting around you, unable to break away from your gravitational pull.

JOKE #3

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resource Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years—say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

USELESS FACTS

Cosmopolitan reports that 20% of women say technology makes it harder to communicate face-to-face.  ***Ironically, we learned this information via Facebook.

Imagine walking into the kitchen, flipping on a light, and automatically be able to see what’s in the fridge, without ever opening the door! It’s coming — Inventor Bruce Lambert has developed a refrigerator with a mirror as the door and when a light is turned on inside the fridge, it turns into a clear window so you can see the food inside without opening the door. His purpose for the invention? One, it saves energy and two, it encourages dieting because people can see their reflections as they approach the door.  ***We can’t afford anything like that, so to keep from going near the fridge we just put up a picture of (NEXT JOCK).

FEATURED FUNNIES

I FIGURED OUT YOUR PROBLEM

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game.”

“When is that?” asked the kid.

“Right after the National Anthem.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE… BUT IT ISN’T!
Three theologians representing Jesus Christ sued the Protestant and Roman Catholic churches for bringing his name into disrepute — and lost in a German courtroom. The theologians, calling themselves “brothers in spirit” of Christ, sued under a law that lets people defend their dead relatives’ reputations. They argued that the churches’ role in wars had disqualified them from calling themselves ”Christian.” The judge threw out the case on the grounds that the German constitution guaranteed religious freedom — but not before he pointed out that, since Christians believe Christ rose from the dead, his “brothers” had no right to bring a case on his behalf since the law specifies that you can only sue if your relative is dead.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. “That’s my son over there,” she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

“He’s a fine looking boy,” the man said. “That’s my son on the swing in the blue sweater.” Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. “What do you say we go, Todd?”

Todd pleaded, “Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes.” The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart’s content.

Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. “Time to go now?”

Again Todd pleaded, “Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes.” The man smiled and said, “Okay.”

“My, you certainly are a patient father,” the woman responded.

The man smiled and then said, “My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I’d give anything for just five more minutes with him. I’ve vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd.

“He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is . . . I get five more minutes to watch him play.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BEYOND AMAZING

READ: Psalm 19:1-6

The heavens are the work of Your hands. —Psalm 102:25

In 1977, the United States launched a rocket into space. On board was a small craft called Voyager I, a probe that was jettisoned into space to explore the planets. After Voyager was done sending back photos and data from the planet Jupiter and its neighbors, it didn’t stop working. It just kept going.

Today, almost 30 years later, that tiny vehicle is still going—traveling at a speed of over 38,000 miles per hour. And it’s nearly 9 billion miles from the sun. That’s mind-boggling! Brilliant scientists have sent a ship to the edge of our solar system. It’s astounding. It’s amazing.

But it’s absolutely puny when compared with what God has done. It would be like hearing someone brag to the architect of the Empire State Building that he had traveled to the second floor.

We have barely begun to explore the vastness of God’s creation. But every small step by mankind should continue to put us in absolute awe of God’s power and creativity. Think of this: While we have left the realm of one star with a spaceship, the Creator of the stars “calls them all by name” (Isaiah 40:26). After all, He made them.

Exploring the universe is amazing. But exploring the God who made it all: That’s beyond amazing! —Dave Branon

I sing the mighty power of God
That made the mountains rise,
That spread the flowing seas abroad
And built the lofty skies.  —Watts

The wonder of it all—just to think that God loves me.  —Shea

LEFTOVERS

CAN THEY PROVE IT?
Sean Morton, founder of The Prophecy Research Institute in California has recently produced an audio tape that has nothing but a high pitched sound on it. According to Morton, he did so to “keep aliens away” since “aliens function on a relatively simple, three-level energy system, and this overloads their nervous systems”. So far so good, as he hasn’t seen any aliens since he came up with this theory!  ***MARLAR: Constant high-pitched sounds… couldn’t you also get that watching contestants on “The Voice”?

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO DEAL WITH A BAD BOSS
(The National Enquirer) Thinking of quitting your job because your boss is making your life a nightmare? There are several easy steps you can take to get along with a bad boss, even if he’s a monster, said Tag Goulet, co-CEO of FabJob.com. Here are Goulet’s top tips:

  • Mimic those who successfully deal with your boss — “Study your boss, and try to deduce how those who get along with him relate to him,” said Goulet. “Then, copy their behavior.”

  • Support your boss — “Most bosses want all the back-up they can get. This is especially true for the new supervisor who fears losing control, losing face and losing his or her job.”

  • Stand up for yourself — “Supporting your boss isn’t the same as being a doormat. Sometimes, bosses intentionally pick on the weaker employee. Do not tolerate being yelled at or treated badly. Say, ‘It’s not okay to talk to me like that.’ Sometimes bosses aren’t aware of what they’re doing. You can bring this problem to your boss’ attention while still being respectful, and your boss may respect you more for standing up for yourself. “But don’t complain to your bosses superior. It can be a big mistake. That supervisor may decide he needs your boss more than he needs you, and out you go.”

  • Document the problem — “If your boss is a bully, keep a written record of every bullying incident and, whenever possible, have a witness. Many companies have a zero-tolerance policy toward harassment or bullying. Look for support from your human resources department or senior management. But you must have a well-document case.”

  • Quit — “If your situation does not improve, you may have to look for another job,” said Goulet. “The worst thing you can do is nothing, and sacrifice your health and self-esteem.”

JUST FOR FUN

WASH WHERE I CAN HIDE!

An 11-year-old girl thought a washing machine was the perfect place for a game of hide-and-seek recently… that is, until she got stuck inside for over 90 minutes! The girl was playing with her brother and some friends, and she crawled into the machine and got jammed with her legs wrapped around the agitator and her back wedged against the tub. Her mom first called a repairman, who gave up after an hour. Then she called the firefighters, who finally had to cut the kid loose with the Jaws of Life.

FUN LIST

ENTERTAINMENT TIPS… FOR BACHELORS

  • When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.

  • Party games are almost always a good idea. My favorite party game is “Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.”

  • A good host must always be a STICKLER for an attractive food presentation! So, I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinners before serving them.

  • And finally, when decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? I see a tablecloth with character!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Looking to save a little cash each month on your energy bill?  

…Shut down your game console in between plays. According to a recent study almost 70 percent of the overall power draw of the world’s consoles comes while the machines are sitting idle. It translates into about a billion dollars in wasted power each year.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Lewis Miller, an event and floral designer based in New York City, has been focusing on a different sort of project recently, scouring the streets looking for opportunities to brighten people’s day. He accomplishes this goal by creating beautiful floral arrangements in the most unlikely of places: garbage cans. Miller and his staff consider the arrangements “labors of love,” of which Miller pays for out of his own pocket. Read more about this cheer-giver at http://on.today.com/2qMOtsw

Judy O’Connor has an MBA. For the past two years, Judy has attended every one of her son’s classes at Chapman University. Marty O’Connor, 29, has been paralyzed from the shoulders down for almost five years. His mother, a retired elementary school teacher, has been his official note-taker. So when Judy joined her son at Chapman University earlier this month for his MBA graduation college officials announced that Judy would receive an honorary MBA — a “thank you” from her son and the university. http://bayareane.ws/2qSO4Fz

Summer is a great time for children to be active outdoors. However, injuries and illnesses can put a damper on summer fun. Kansas State University associate professor Katie Heinrich, (hine-rick) says sunscreen is a must for any outdoor activity. However, applying it once isn’t enough. Whether using a spray, stick or lotion, Heinrich, (hine-rick) says reapplication, especially when sweat and water are involved, is going to be necessary. Hats, ultraviolet-protectant clothing and sunglasses also help protect children from sun damage. http://bit.ly/2rPPbUj

An Illinois school district is under fire for prohibiting an eighth grader from delivering a speech at graduation due to its religious content. Instead, Seth Clark, salutatorian at Akin Grade School in Southern Illinois, made his remarks in front of several dozen classmates and supporters on a neighbor’s lawn across the street from the school. The controversy began earlier this month after Clark submitted his speech, which included Bible verses and a prayer, to administrators for review and was told he could not deliver it as written. http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=21449

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’d like to leave you with a serious thought today. Unfortunately, I can’t think of one.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 26, 2017…

Baywatch—Oh, and the TV series had to be remade. Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) stars as the head bodyguard in this film of muscles and bathing suits. Zac Efron is the new life guard with an attitude, and there are girls galore. Crime? It’s there, somewhere on the beach, with sand, umbrellas. sun tan lotion and beach towels. “Baywatch” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are. Not all of us can afford the beach. (see below)

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales–The usual cast of Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush, etc. Even though they may be 6 fathoms under, they still come back to the ship and then shore. Sure to appease fans who can’t afford the beach (see above) whereas “Baywatch” is about live people, “Pirates” concerns some deceased. Sigh. “Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” is rated PG-13. Rating of 2 for fans and, as with above, you know who you are.

Drone—Sean Bean is a loner drone guy who does his work and quietly comes home. Someone is out to get him and thinks he caused the death of family (shades of Helen Mirren and ”Eye in the Sky“). “Drone” is rated R. No rating.

JUNE 02, 2017…

Wonder Woman has Gal Gadot in the title role and she can fight anyone.

Captain Underpants 1st Epic Movie is an animated film from the children’s books by Dav Pilkey. Voice of Ed Helms.

Churchill with Brian Cox in the role of Churchill during WWII.

Band Aid is about a young couple who quarrel and then write songs about their fights. Stars Brooklyn Decker.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.