May 30, 2018: Wednesday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180530
PDF: 20180530

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Laugh and the world laughs with you — smoke and you smoke alone. (And second-hand laughter doesn’t cause cancer!)

Companies are cracking down on unproductive time at the office, but I work from home – so I’ve just installed spyware on my home office computer; that way later on I can check and see if I’m surfing inappropriate sites when I should be working.

Old people and technology. My Aunt Melba just emailed me a photo of her grandson. But then she sent a second email asking me to email it back to her… because it was her only copy. (Sigh.)

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I have a different vision of leadership. A leader is someone who brings people together.” – George W. Bush

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. –Philippians 2:3-4

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. — Romans 12:15

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom? — Proverbs 17:16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. — Proverbs 31:8

Thought: Christians in every era are called to defend the rights of the weak, speak up for the disenfranchised, and protect the life of those who are vulnerable. This comprehensive call is the great reminder that the blessings, rights, wealth, and power we may have is not ours alone; it is a gift from God to be used to bless those who have no power to speak, to defend, or to protect themselves.

Prayer: Father, rouse in your people, rouse in me, a passion to stand up for those who are vulnerable to abuse, to abandonment, and to attack. Please use us, and especially Father, please use me, to be a redemptive force in the time and the circle of influence in which I live. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

John 5:30 NIV = By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MAY 30, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
208 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is LOOMIS DAY, honoring Washington, D.C., dentist Mahlon Loomis, who patented wireless telegraphy in 1872. ***And you thought text-messaging was a relatively new invention, didn’t you?

Today is DADDY DOES DINNER DAY. ***The object of this day is to get dads to create dinner on their own with no help whatsoever. My dad became a master at this… he had the number to Pizza Hut memorized.

Today is COMPACT DISC DAY. ***Which are incredible when it comes to high-quality music… assuming you can ever get them out of the wrapper.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Loomis Day
Mint Julep Day
National Creativity Day
Shavout
Save Your Hearing Day
National Senior Health & Fitness Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, MAY 31

Necrotizing Fasciitis Awareness Day
What You Think Upon Grows Day
World MS Day (Multiple Sclerosis)
World No-Tobacco Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 01

Doughnut Day or Donut Day

Global Day of Parents
Heimlich Maneuver Day
Horseradish Days
Hug Your Cat Day
Leave The Office Early Day
Mike, The Headless Chicken Day
National Dare Day
National Nailpolish Day
National Go Barefoot Day
National Olive Day
National Pen Pal Day
Oscar The Grouch Day
Say Something Nice Day
Stand For Children Day
Superman’s Birthday

SATURDAY, JUNE 02

Artichoke Day
Do-Dah Parade Day
Drawing Day or Pencil Day
National Black Bear Day
National Bubba Day
National Bubbly Day
National Gun Violence Awareness Day
National Prairie Day
National Rotisserie Chicken Day
National Trails Day
The Wicket World of Croquet Day
Turtle Races Day
Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 03

Children’s Awareness Memorial Day
Chimborazo Day
National Cancer Survivors Day
Wonder Woman Day

MONDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National SAFE Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
Old Maid’s Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 05

Apple II Day
Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Beer Pong Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
Work@Home Father’s Day
World Environment Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 06

Atheists Pride Day
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
Global Running Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
National Tailors Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day

ON THIS DAY

1431: Joan of Acr, the “Maid of Orleans” was burned at the stake for heresy at age 19. She was declared innocent 25 years later. ***Not that it did her any good, after all… being declared innocent after you’ve been dead for 25 years doesn’t really improve your situation.

1539: Hernando de Soto landed in Florida with nine ships, 632 men, 223 horses, and 13 pigs.

1911: Indianapolis hosted its first long-distance auto race; Ray Harroun was the winner at an average speed of 74.59 miles an hour.

1922: Outfielders Cliff Heathcote and Max Flack played for both the Chicago Cubs and the St. Louis Cardinals. They were traded for each other between games in a double-header. The Cubs won both games.

1922: “Smilin” Ed McConnell and his banjo debuted on radio. He would make Froggie the Gremlin and His Magic Twanger famous among America’s children.

1927: Toronto attorney Charles Miller set off the goofiest race in history when he died and willed his $568,000 estate to the Toronto woman who could give birth to the most children in the ten years following his death. Ten years later, on this date in 1937, four women split the purse in the so-called Stork Derby. Each had produced nine children.

1937: New York Giant pitcher Carl Hubbell won his 24th consecutive regular-season game in a two-year period. He went 26-6 in 1936 season and 22-8 in 1937.

1966: Carl Dean married Dolly Rebecca Parton in Ringgold, Georgia.

1967: Daredevil Evel Knievel jumped 16 automobiles in a row in a motorcycle stunt at Ascot Speedway in Gardena, California. .

1981: The compact disc was first introduced.

1989: The U.S. issued patent #4,834,212 for the Mouth Muffler, a sound-absorbing device that a person may yell or scream into without disturbing other people. ***The hard part is getting your mother-in-law to stuff it in her mouth.

1992: Singers Paul Simon and Edie Brickell were married on Long Island, New York.

1996: Britain’s Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson were granted an uncontested divorce ending their 10-year marriage.

2000: A New Jersey teenager was charged with disorderly conduct after he threw an 11-inch dead bluefish onto the windshield of a passing car. The 15-year-old was reeled in near Egg Harbor Township after police rushed to the scene and found him with the smoking fish at his feet.

2003: TV news anchor Peter Jennings took the U.S. citizenship test and was sworn in, along with 50 other new citizens, at a ceremony in Manhattan. He retained his Canadian citizenship. After working 40 years for ABC News, Jennings died of lung cancer in 2005 at age 67.

2004: Buddy Rice won the Indianapolis 500 in the rain.

2006: The FBI said it had found no trace of missing labor leader Jimmy Hoffa after digging up a suburban Detroit horse farm.

2007: Students at Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnesota, celebrated graduation with a late-night skinny dip in a campus pond. A security guard found between 50 and 80 naked students or recent graduates. The guard called police when he “did not get the cooperation he hoped for” from the students. In fact, some students pushed the guard’s golf cart into the pond. By the time police arrived, students were either gone or dressed.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

339: Eusebius dies at age 74. Author of the 10-volume Ecclesiastical History, he is called the father of church history. In his day, though, he was as much a maker of history as a recorder. At the Council of Nicea, he argued for peace between the heretical Arians and Orthodox leaders like Athanasius. When Arianism became hugely popular after the Council, Eusebius was one of the people to depose Athanasius. Though he wasn’t an Arian himself, he strongly opposed anti-Arianism.

1416: Jerome of Prague burns at the stake for heresy. When the Council of Constance arrested and tried his fellow Bohemian reformer Jan Hus, Jerome went to defend him, sealing his own fate.

1431: French revolutionary Joan of Arc burns at the stake for heresy. Her last words were, “Jesus, Jesus”

1672: The governor of Rhode Island cordially entertains Quaker founder George Fox. “Most of the pupils had never heard of Friends before,” Fox said, “but they were mightily affected with the meeting, and there is a great desire amongst them after the Truth.

1822: A slave betrays the plans of African Methodist (and former slave) Denmark Vesey to stage a massive slave uprising on July 14. Of the 131 African Americans arrested in the plot, 35 were executed (including Vesey) and 43 were deported. Vesey’s Charleston, South Carolina, church was closed until 1865.

1934: The first synod of the Confessing Church at Barmen ends. Influenced by Karl Barth, the synod resisted the teachings of the Nazi German Christians.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Eric on “Judging Amy”, Karl on “Lost”) Blake Bashoff 37 (audio clip)

  • actor (Eric Cartman on “South Park”) Trey Parker 49 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Benny Goodman

1944 : Lenny Davidson (The Dave Clark Five)

1955 : Topper Headon (The Clash)

1958 : Marie Fredriksson (Roxette)

1964 : Tom Morello (Rage Against The Machine, Audioslave)

1964 : Wynonna

1971 : Patrick Dalheimer (Live)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why does the biggest, the best, or the most really “take the cake?”

In my hierarchy of treats, cake takes pride of place over cookies and candy, so I’m very comfortable with the idea of whomever or whatever is tops taking home the cake–as long as I can have a slice. But you did want an explanation, not a food review. In fact, there is no very good explanation other than that grand one-size-fits-all cop-out: tradition! A cake has been the reward or prize for various achievements since the beginning of recorded history. In recent times it’s what you got for dancing best at Irish dances. Among African-Americans in the South it was the prize for the best dance in the appropriately named event, the “cake walk.” The ancient Greeks gave it to the person who could out-drink everyone else. But then if the libation were good enough, the prize was merely icing on the…well, you know.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse: women’s voices are more complex and therefore more difficult for men to listen to than other men’s voices.  ***At least that’s what I think I heard on the news.  Honestly, I wasn’t really listening because it was a female reporter giving the story.

Starbucks closed 8,000 of their locations yesterday for anti-bias training.  ***It wasn’t any big deal for customers though.  If they found Starbucks closed all they had to do was cross the street to the other Starbucks.

Former Spokane NAACP president Rachel Dolezal has been accused of food stamp fraud. ***She was so accustomed to lying to people she couldn’t stop at just her ethnicity.

Bartolo Colon has turned 45, making him the oldest active player in the majors.  ***And the right age for Colon to get his first colonoscopy!

On Friday, Stacey Cunningham became the first woman to ever be the president of the New York Stock Exchange.  ***I’m surprised it took this long.  Women have always been better and spending money than men.  My wife has made shopping an art form!

Seattle is now officially the fastest-growing city in the U.S. ***Who knew people liked being wet and depressed all the time?

Good Morning America is expanding by an hour, moving into the early-afternoon time slot held by The Chew, which is being canceled.  ***Can you still call it “Good MORNING America” if it’s going to air in the early afternoon?  Wouldn’t that just contribute to the dumbing-down of America?  Maybe we change it to “Good BRUNCH America”.  Nyah… cuz now I’m hungry…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(PERENNIAL) An odd trend has some high school students getting their prom dates croissants (yes, the French pastry) to wear on their wrist instead of the traditional floral corsage. The first photo evidence of this hilarious movement dates back on social media to 2015. Julia Gorman got a croissant corsage last year for her senior prom. “I really don’t like corsages and I was talking to a friend about how I didn’t want one,” she told TODAY Style. “He suggested that, instead, I opt for a croissant.” ***So now you can tell your date she looks delicious – and mean it!

Want to teach your kids to love reading? Do this: Encourage them to do it out loud to a dog. Gill Johnson with the University of Nottingham in the U.K. says a dog is a reassuring, uncritical audience “who will not mind if mistakes are made.” ***Uncritical, won’t point out mistakes… who needs a dog? We already have that with today’s liberal education system.

A recent survey shows one in five pet owners would sacrifice a 30-day supply of pet cuddles for the sake of their smartphone. ***Which is exactly why I’ve forgone the pet idea and just named my smartphone “Spot”.

The regular use of alcohol-based disinfecting hand gels authorities recommend during flu season has little effect on infection rate, according to a recent study. The findings suggest that the flu viruses are most effectively transmitted in the air, rather than by contact with infected surfaces. ***So they are now suggesting you suck up the hand gels through your nostrils.

A Harvard professor is studying a drug that may make it dramatically easier for grown-ups to absorb new skills and information — almost as if they were seven years old or younger. ***Upside: you learn a lot. Downside: you can’t stop humming the theme from SpongeBob.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk had been making notched badminton racquets so they’d break easily and force his friends to keep buying new ones. But it’s about to backfire on him, because his badminton playing niece, Rita, was just given one as a gift… and she’s planning on giving it as a gift as well…

CLOSE: Oh no! Rita is being arrested for sabotaging a badminton racquet – but she was given that racquet as a gift by Gruffy… and he bought that sabotaged racquet from Rita’s uncle, Racquet the Skunk – who made it! So really, Rita is in jail and it’s Racquet’s fault! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

One woman lives a nightmare while trying to find “Mr. Right!”

A woman in (Gloucester) England is suing a dating agency for sending her on eight dates with men who were the exact opposite of what she requested. 49-year-old Janet Forse is suing the New Horizons agency, a former car salesman. Forse told the newspaper she specifically told Lavender in January she wanted a rugged professional man who owned his own home and did not smoke. She then paid him $470 for a year’s membership. So far, he’s sent her out with a chain-smoking truck driver who lived in a trailer, a nervous unshaven carpenter, a married engineer who wanted secrecy, and one man who sounded quite promising during their first phone conversation. However, he phoned her twice before the date, both times very drunk. Forse said when she complained about him to Lavender, he told her the man had a speech impediment.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS MAFIA CONNECTIONS

10. People call him Tony “the butcher” …and he’s an accountant.

9. He introduces his father as “Big Joey”.

8. His gives you your Christmas gifts saying that they came from “a distributor.”

7. The Armani suits, black jag, and a wallet thicker than the phone book, but yet his job is a used piano dealer.

6. Nobody’s seen his Calculus professor since your boyfriend got an F in his class….

5. Has “Assassinations For Dummies” on his coffee table.

4. The face of the joker who insulted the two of you at the resturant last week is on your milk carton this morning.

3. You have to store stuff in the car’s back seat, ‘cuz trunk is always taken up by his ‘golf bag’.

2. The last five other guys who have asked you out all by coincidence fell and broke their kneecaps.

1. He has no mafia connections. Capiche?

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A robber leaves empty handed because of he couldn’t get it “his way” at Burger King!

FILE #1: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

FILE #2: Senior citizens often find it hard for people to take them seriously when they opt for behaviors or lifestyles that don’t exactly fit into our perception of the Golden Years. So it’s easy to sympathize with the elderly female bank robber who had to fire four shots in the air to get a German teller to take her demand for cash with a straight face. Police say the frail, 65-year-old woman was tired of making ends meet with her pension, so she pulled a stocking over her face, grabbed a gun and pulled a stick-up. The teller refused to take her demands seriously until she pumped four rounds into the ceiling and that’s when he handed over $15,000 in cash. Unfortunately the car the woman was driving as a getaway car failed to outrun police. She was arrested a few blocks from the bank.

FILE #3: While robbing an apartment building, Kenneth Bartelson got his brother to be his look out to avoid being caught. The only problem was that his brother Eugene did not posses the right stuff to be a look out, considering he is blind! A building resident who saw the two leaving the apartment became suspicious and called police, then waited in front of the building for police to arrive. Eugene, who can only see shadows, mistook the resident for his brother and was standing next to him when the officers drove up. Both men were charged with attempted robbery. ***MARLAR: It was another case of the blind leading the blind. They both better hope that justice is blind!

STRANGE LAW: In Alabama it is illegal to operate any vehicle while blindfolded.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

What’s up?”  That’s the question in today’s Brain on Drugs!

In Des Moines, Iowa, police officer Patrick Hickey was checking license plates in an alley as part of a recent drug investigation when a man asked him “what’s up?” Hickey responded by asking the man “what’s up?” The man asked Hickey the same question again, to which Hickey again replied “what’s up?” To that, the man said “I’ll show you what’s up” and went inside a nearby house and came out with a .38-caliber handgun and apparently using some of the product he was being investigated for. Hickey said he showed the man his badge and pointed his gun at the man, who put down his gun. The man, Stewart Jenkins, was wanted in Michigan, where he was on parole for assault and drug charges. He’s back in jail — and that’s what’s up.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the most expensive thing your pet ever ate, chewed up, or destroyed?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who asked the Lord to smite the Syrian army with blindness?
ANSWER: Elisha (2 Kings 6:18)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION:  Employees were asked what one item they’d most like to bring in from home, what was the number one answer?
ANSWER:  Their Bed

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There is an average of 148 typhoons and hurricanes every year. (True)

2. A typical Roman chariot race had twelve laps. (False, seven)

3. In France strawberries were cultivated in the 13th Century for use as a medicinal herb. (True)

4. The biggest known star is about 100 times as big as the sun. (False – 2,000 times bigger!)

5. The tallest tree ever was an Australian eucalyptus – In 1872 it was measured at over 1,000 feet tall. (False – 435 feet tall)

6. The smallest telescopes available at your local Wal-mart are more powerful than the one Galileo used to discover the various parts of our solar system. (True)

7. A player must be at least 18 years old to be eligible to sign with a Major League Baseball team. (False – 16 years old)

8. Charlie Chaplin was left handed. (True)

9. An aircraft carrier gets about 6 inches per gallon of fuel. (True)

10. Martial Arts expert Bruce Lee loved to read. (True. He had his own personal library with hundreds of books.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ ON NEW DOLLAR BILL (TRUMP)

WASHINGTON – The White House has approved the redesign of U.S. currency.  Donald Trump will be on the new dollar bill.

The Trump Administration feels that the American dollar is in bad need of a makeover.  They have partnered with the Dollar ReDe$ign Project to pick a new design for U.S. currency.  Currently, the design that the administration likes best was done by Dowling Duncan (a British duo), which features a unique vertical design.  It also features President Trump on the one dollar bill.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

“Here is your ocean side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all those stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

JOKE #2

According to American researchers, 15 minutes of giggling can burn off the number of calories found in a piece of chocolate.  ***MARLAR: And what better way to burn fat than by laughing at fat jokes?

YOU KNOW YOU’RE FAT WHEN…

  • Your favorite shirt is a tent.

  • Your driver’s license says “Picture continued on other side.”

  • Your blood type is Ragu.

  • When the cashier at KFC asks what size bucket you want, and you say, “The one on the roof.”

  • You use bacon for Band-aids.

  • Every time you wear high heels, you strike oil.

  • Your cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

  • When you go in the water at the beach, you change the tide.

  • Your belly button makes an echo.

  • You wear a hula hoop for a belly button ring.

  • People jog around you for exercise.

  • You have smaller fat people orbiting around you, unable to break away from your gravitational pull.

JOKE #3

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resource Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years—say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

USELESS FACTS

Cosmopolitan reports that 20% of women say technology makes it harder to communicate face-to-face.  ***Ironically, we learned this information via Facebook.

Imagine walking into the kitchen, flipping on a light, and automatically be able to see what’s in the fridge, without ever opening the door! It’s coming — Inventor Bruce Lambert has developed a refrigerator with a mirror as the door and when a light is turned on inside the fridge, it turns into a clear window so you can see the food inside without opening the door. His purpose for the invention? One, it saves energy and two, it encourages dieting because people can see their reflections as they approach the door.  ***We can’t afford anything like that, so to keep from going near the fridge we just put up a picture of (NEXT JOCK).

FEATURED FUNNIES

I FIGURED OUT YOUR PROBLEM

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game.”

“When is that?” asked the kid.

“Right after the National Anthem.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE… BUT IT ISN’T!
Three theologians representing Jesus Christ sued the Protestant and Roman Catholic churches for bringing his name into disrepute — and lost in a German courtroom. The theologians, calling themselves “brothers in spirit” of Christ, sued under a law that lets people defend their dead relatives’ reputations. They argued that the churches’ role in wars had disqualified them from calling themselves ”Christian.” The judge threw out the case on the grounds that the German constitution guaranteed religious freedom — but not before he pointed out that, since Christians believe Christ rose from the dead, his “brothers” had no right to bring a case on his behalf since the law specifies that you can only sue if your relative is dead.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. “That’s my son over there,” she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

“He’s a fine looking boy,” the man said. “That’s my son on the swing in the blue sweater.” Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. “What do you say we go, Todd?”

Todd pleaded, “Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes.” The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart’s content.

Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. “Time to go now?”

Again Todd pleaded, “Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes.” The man smiled and said, “Okay.”

“My, you certainly are a patient father,” the woman responded.

The man smiled and then said, “My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I’d give anything for just five more minutes with him. I’ve vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd.

“He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is . . . I get five more minutes to watch him play.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BEYOND AMAZING

READ: Psalm 19:1-6

The heavens are the work of Your hands. —Psalm 102:25

In 1977, the United States launched a rocket into space. On board was a small craft called Voyager I, a probe that was jettisoned into space to explore the planets. After Voyager was done sending back photos and data from the planet Jupiter and its neighbors, it didn’t stop working. It just kept going.

Today, almost 30 years later, that tiny vehicle is still going—traveling at a speed of over 38,000 miles per hour. And it’s nearly 9 billion miles from the sun. That’s mind-boggling! Brilliant scientists have sent a ship to the edge of our solar system. It’s astounding. It’s amazing.

But it’s absolutely puny when compared with what God has done. It would be like hearing someone brag to the architect of the Empire State Building that he had traveled to the second floor.

We have barely begun to explore the vastness of God’s creation. But every small step by mankind should continue to put us in absolute awe of God’s power and creativity. Think of this: While we have left the realm of one star with a spaceship, the Creator of the stars “calls them all by name” (Isaiah 40:26). After all, He made them.

Exploring the universe is amazing. But exploring the God who made it all: That’s beyond amazing! —Dave Branon

I sing the mighty power of God
That made the mountains rise,
That spread the flowing seas abroad
And built the lofty skies.  —Watts

The wonder of it all—just to think that God loves me.  —Shea

LEFTOVERS

CAN THEY PROVE IT?
Sean Morton, founder of The Prophecy Research Institute in California has recently produced an audio tape that has nothing but a high pitched sound on it. According to Morton, he did so to “keep aliens away” since “aliens function on a relatively simple, three-level energy system, and this overloads their nervous systems”. So far so good, as he hasn’t seen any aliens since he came up with this theory!  ***MARLAR: Constant high-pitched sounds… couldn’t you also get that watching contestants on “The Voice”?

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO DEAL WITH A BAD BOSS
(The National Enquirer) Thinking of quitting your job because your boss is making your life a nightmare? There are several easy steps you can take to get along with a bad boss, even if he’s a monster, said Tag Goulet, co-CEO of FabJob.com. Here are Goulet’s top tips:

  • Mimic those who successfully deal with your boss — “Study your boss, and try to deduce how those who get along with him relate to him,” said Goulet. “Then, copy their behavior.”

  • Support your boss — “Most bosses want all the back-up they can get. This is especially true for the new supervisor who fears losing control, losing face and losing his or her job.”

  • Stand up for yourself — “Supporting your boss isn’t the same as being a doormat. Sometimes, bosses intentionally pick on the weaker employee. Do not tolerate being yelled at or treated badly. Say, ‘It’s not okay to talk to me like that.’ Sometimes bosses aren’t aware of what they’re doing. You can bring this problem to your boss’ attention while still being respectful, and your boss may respect you more for standing up for yourself. “But don’t complain to your bosses superior. It can be a big mistake. That supervisor may decide he needs your boss more than he needs you, and out you go.”

  • Document the problem — “If your boss is a bully, keep a written record of every bullying incident and, whenever possible, have a witness. Many companies have a zero-tolerance policy toward harassment or bullying. Look for support from your human resources department or senior management. But you must have a well-document case.”

  • Quit — “If your situation does not improve, you may have to look for another job,” said Goulet. “The worst thing you can do is nothing, and sacrifice your health and self-esteem.”

JUST FOR FUN

WASH WHERE I CAN HIDE!

An 11-year-old girl thought a washing machine was the perfect place for a game of hide-and-seek recently… that is, until she got stuck inside for over 90 minutes! The girl was playing with her brother and some friends, and she crawled into the machine and got jammed with her legs wrapped around the agitator and her back wedged against the tub. Her mom first called a repairman, who gave up after an hour. Then she called the firefighters, who finally had to cut the kid loose with the Jaws of Life.

FUN LIST

ENTERTAINMENT TIPS… FOR BACHELORS

  • When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.

  • Party games are almost always a good idea. My favorite party game is “Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.”

  • A good host must always be a STICKLER for an attractive food presentation! So, I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinners before serving them.

  • And finally, when decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? I see a tablecloth with character!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Looking to save a little cash each month on your energy bill?  

…Shut down your game console in between plays. According to a recent study almost 70 percent of the overall power draw of the world’s consoles comes while the machines are sitting idle. It translates into about a billion dollars in wasted power each year.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) Summer is a great time for children to be active outdoors. However, injuries and illnesses can put a damper on summer fun. Kansas State University associate professor Katie Heinrich, (hine-rick) says sunscreen is a must for any outdoor activity. However, applying it once isn’t enough. Whether using a spray, stick or lotion, Heinrich, (hine-rick) says reapplication, especially when sweat and water are involved, is going to be necessary. Hats, ultraviolet-protectant clothing and sunglasses also help protect children from sun damage.

The next time a song gets stuck in your head, comfort yourself with this thought: You’re probably happy. When songs weasel their way into your brain and then take up residence like a CD player stuck on repeat — it generally means you are in a positive state of mind, according to researchers from the University of Montreal. Previous research in the U.S. and England shows that fully 98 to 99% of people have experienced musical earworm at one time in their life and were mostly powerless to shake it off. McNally-Gagnon says it makes sense that happy people get earworm, since the link between music and positive emotions is well-known. “After the worm left, most people said they were still in a positive mood, but there was also a strong mix of people who described themselves as neutral,” she said.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. While we can’t tell you that a good night’s sleep most nights will increase your checking account bottom line or make you smarter, it could very well make you healthier — so much healthier that you will live longer than those who skimp on sleep. But get this: It’s not sleep that keeps your heart healthier so you live longer. It’s the lifestyle you’re more likely to lead if you sleep well. That’s the word from researchers at the University of Delaware, who have concluded that the duration and timing of your sleep are closely associated with whether your behavior is heart-healthy. Sleep deficits and poor-quality sleep have been linked to obesity and a myriad of health problems, but this study shows that when it comes to promoting healthy hearts, it’s not a matter of getting more sleep. It’s a matter of getting adequate sleep at optimal times. Doing that seems to reduce the behaviors — smoking, sedentary lifestyles and poor dietary choices — that put hearts in harm’s way. The study found that those whose sleep was either short or long and the night owls who went to bed later were more likely than adequate sleepers and those who went to bed earlier to smoke, remain sedentary and eat fewer fruits and vegetables.

“A heavy burden. A weight on my shoulders.” The metaphors we use to describe secrets are dead-on. Columbia University research reveals that people who keep something under wraps find everyday tasks, like lugging groceries upstairs, physically harder. “The size of the secret does not matter,” explains study author Michael Slepian. Ph.D., “What matters is how preoccupied you are with it.” In other words, sealing your lips about small stuff say a concealed crush, can feel as oppressive as lugging around a doozy if you obsess about it 24-7. And bearing that load can cause some pretty hefty health effects. For starters, it can jack up your levels of the stress hormone cortisol, too much of which is linked to memory loss, a messed up metabolism, and high blood pressure. You may also fall into a funk: Even if you think that keeping things close to your chest is no big deal some people are just more private than others, right, research shows secrets can leave people moody and lonely. Not only can your relationships with family and friends suffer, but the damage also can seep into your work life, even when the secret has nothing to do with your job. (Women’s Health)

Those friends you love/hate? They’re the reason your blood pressure skyrocketed. Anyone who’s ever had a frenemy can attest to the fact that they’re the worst type of relationship. Just when you think you can’t possibly hate them anymore, they do something wonderful that makes you love them, and just when your love is about to explode through the roof, you’re daydreaming about them being hit by a bus. It’s a volatile rollercoaster to be in a relationship with a frenemy, and, scarily, according to experts, these evil entities make up half of our social networks. It’s these types of ambivalent relationships that are actually really bad for our health, both mentally and physically. Blood pressure of these participants “spiked,” whenever they interacted with their frenemy or if that frenemy was nearby (because of the potential of an interaction). Yes! Frenemies are just that bad for us that even the awareness of their close proximity forces our blood pressure to skyrocket. (YourTango.com)

So you only smoke a little?  Sorry, it’s still bad news for you. While people who smoke between one and 10 cigarettes a day have an 87% higher risk of earlier death compared to those who’ve never smoked, people who average less than one cigarette a day still have a 64% higher risk of earlier death than those who never smoke. Researchers reporting in JAMA Internal Medicine add that when looking at the nearly 300,000 people aged 59 to 82 whose smoking habits they analyzed, the younger someone was when they quit, and the earlier they were into their habit, the lower their risks of, say, death from lung cancer or cardiovascular disease. The study’s lead author said, “The results of this study support health warnings that there is no safe level of exposure to tobacco smoke. Smoking even a small number of cigarettes per day has substantial negative health effects.” Smoking is the top cause of preventable death in the US, and that it kills nearly half a million Americans every year, while it claims more than 6 million lives a year worldwide. What’s more, the researchers note that their large study likely underestimates the risks, given that smokers are less likely to live long enough to have even entered the study. (JAMA Internal Medicine)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Dr. Windell Davis-Boutte’s website calls her “Atlanta’s most experienced cosmetic surgeon.” In fact, she may have Atlanta’s most experience dealing with malpractice suits. She’s already settled five malpractice lawsuits but still has four more pending. Many are the result of more than 20 “music videos” the good doctor posted on YouTube – many featuring the board-certified dermatologist dancing and singing around exposed, unmoving patients in the operating room. In one Boutte made incisions while she sang and cavorted to the camera. One of those lawsuits was filed on behalf of Icilma Cornelius who went to Boutte for liposuction and a tummy tuck a few weeks before her wedding. She never got the chance to wear her wedding dress, or get married. After a more than eight-hour procedure, Cornelius’ heart stopped. She suffered permanent brain damage and will need care for the rest of her life. It turns out Boutte does not have hospital admitting privileges, and her Lilburn office is not a licensed surgery center. Boutte’s website states “Dr. Boutté is board certified in both surgery and dermatology.” However, according to state medical records, Boutte is a board-certified dermatologist, and is not board certified in general surgery or plastic surgery. Strangely enough, in Georgia it is legal for any physician to operate, even if they are not a board-certified surgeon. (Atlanta Journal Constitution)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’d like to leave you with a serious thought today. Unfortunately, I can’t think of one.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 25, 2018…

Solo: A Star Wars Story—Here it comes, “Star Wars” fans, the background story of Han Solo (with regards to Harrison Ford). The prequel, ten years before Han meets Luke Skywalker, stars newcomer Aiden Ehrenreich as Han Solo, with Joonas Suotamo as Chewbacca and Donald Glover as Lando Calrissian. New are Han’s partner, Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke from “Game of Thrones”), and Lando’s partner, a droid L3-37 (Phoebe Waller-Bridge.) Woody Harrelson is also in the cast as Tobias, a mentor to Han. In this time period, Han washes out of the Academy and is headed for a life of crime, trying to prove himself to the other side. Things don’t always go as planned, and Han seems torn between making friends or making enemies. Oh, yes, the Falcon is there, too. “Solo” is directed by Ron Howard and has a sense of wanting to be free.  Don’t we all?  “Solo: A Star Wars Story” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans already lining up at the box office. Enjoy.

Mary Shelley (opening in select cities) —This romantic historical drama set in the early 19th century, stars Elle Fanning as Mary Shelley, who wrote the classic novel, considered a masterpiece,  “Frankenstein” when she was eighteen. It came about during a love affair at that time. Based on fact. Also, in the cast are Douglas Booth and Bel Powery. “Mary Shelley” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Future World—James Franco stars in this film about an Earth after a global disaster and how to live with no water or gasoline. Memories of “Road Warrior” here. Also, in the cast is Lucy Liu. “Future World” is rated R. No rating.

JUNE 01, 2018…

A Kid Like Jake is a story of a family who realizes their child is trans-gender. Stars Claire Danes.

Adrift has Shailene Woodley as part of a group who find themselves in dire straits after a massive hurricane.

Upgrade is a science fiction film about trying to escape a computer-generated life. Stars Logan Marshall-Green.

Action Point stars Johnny Knoxville as a man who owns a decrepit amusement park. Comedy and expect base humor.

American Animals is based on a true-life event about college students trying to steal rare books. Stars Evan Peters.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.