May 31, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180531
PDF: 20180531

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Quick note of caution – you must be at least this tall to listen to (THE JOCK SHOW).

Whether it’s manna from heaven or the feeding of the 5000, we can see that God doesn’t like vegetables in His meals either.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Whatever the result may be, I shall carry to my grave the consciousness that I at least meant well for my country.” – James Buchanan

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. –Ephesians 4:15

But from everlasting to everlasting,

The Lord’s love is with those who fear him,

And his righteousness with their children’s children — with those who keep his covenant,

And remember to obey his precepts. — Psalm 103:17-18

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth. In his law the islands will put their hope. — Isaiah 42:3-4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me.” — Deuteronomy 5:6-7

Thought: God is Sovereign, all-powerful, and without rival. So it is absolutely amazing that he repeatedly chooses to bless us with his grace before he calls us to worship and obedience. In most other religions, their gods demand adherence, sacrifice, and obedience before their favor is acquired. But the One True and Living God offers grace and then calls us to obedience. Not only does he have the right to ask us to have no other gods, he is worthy of being our only God because of his demonstrated love and his incomparable glory!

Prayer: Almighty God, you are worthy of all honor, worship, and praise. I want my heart to always be reverent of your glory and appreciative of your grace. Please don’t let me outlive my love and allegiance to you. I pray this in Jesus name with all my love and respect. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Acts 5:31 NIV = God exalted him to his own right hand as Prince and Savior that he might give repentance and forgiveness of sins to Israel.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MAY 31, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
207 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is WHAT YOU THINK UPON GROWS DAY, a day to remind people of the power of positive thinking. ***I don’t think this is meant literally though, because I think upon my paycheck constantly – and it hasn’t grown a lick.

Today is NATIONAL SPEAK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES DAY. ***Be careful though, because if you think too long upon National Speak In Complete Sentences Day the sentences you speak may grow longer due to today being What You Think Upon Grows Day, and that may make it a lot tougher to speak in complete sentences.

Today is NATIONAL MACAROON DAY. ***Macaroon is just a letter or two off of macaroni – but macaroons don’t taste near as good smothered in melted cheese.

Today is WORLD NO-TOBACCO DAY, a day to discourage people from using tobacco. ***I think I figured out how to get kids not to smoke. Have parents tell them it’s cool. That should end it right then and there. (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Necrotizing Fasciitis Awareness Day
What You Think Upon Grows Day
World MS Day (Multiple Sclerosis)
World No-Tobacco Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, JUNE 01

Doughnut Day or Donut Day

Global Day of Parents
Heimlich Maneuver Day
Horseradish Days
Hug Your Cat Day
Leave The Office Early Day
Mike, The Headless Chicken Day
National Dare Day
National Nailpolish Day
National Go Barefoot Day
National Olive Day
National Pen Pal Day
Oscar The Grouch Day
Say Something Nice Day
Stand For Children Day
Superman’s Birthday

SATURDAY, JUNE 02

Artichoke Day
Do-Dah Parade Day
Drawing Day or Pencil Day
National Black Bear Day
National Bubba Day
National Bubbly Day
National Gun Violence Awareness Day
National Prairie Day
National Rotisserie Chicken Day
National Trails Day
The Wicket World of Croquet Day
Turtle Races Day
Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 03

Children’s Awareness Memorial Day
Chimborazo Day
National Cancer Survivors Day
Wonder Woman Day

MONDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National SAFE Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
Old Maid’s Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 05

Apple II Day
Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Beer Pong Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
Work@Home Father’s Day
World Environment Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 06

Atheists Pride Day
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
Global Running Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
National Tailors Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 07

(Daniel) Boone Day
VCR Day

ON THIS DAY

1678: Lady Godiva rode naked on horseback through the city of Coventry, England. According to legend, she made the ride as part of a bargain to get her husband Leofric, Earl of Mercia, to ease taxes on the people of Conventry, England. (Another source says the ride took place on July 10th.)

1884: Dr. John Harvey Kellogg of Battle Creek, Michigan, patented “flaked cereal.” ***And if you’ve ever seen the movie about him, you’ll know that he too, was a flake.

1943: The comic strip “Archie Andrews” debuted on the Mutual radio network. Archie, Veronica, Betty, Jughead, and the gang lasted on radio about five years. (audio clip)

1956: Buddy Holly was inspired to write “That’ll Be the Day” after he saw the John Wayne movie “The Searchers.”

1958: Sheb Wooley’s “Purple People Eater” became the #1 U.S. song and stayed there for six weeks. It was based on a popular children’s riddle: What has one eye, one horn, flies, and eats people? A one-eyed, one-horned, flying people eater. (audio clip)

1969: Stevie Wonder released “My Cherie Amore.”

1989: Tracy and Michael J. Fox had a son and named him Sam Michael.

1990: “The Seinfeld Chronicles” premiered as a summer series on NBC starring Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. The pilot had aired in the previous July. Renamed just plain “Seinfeld,” the show lasted nine years. (audio clip)

1991: Australian Dudley Reid married Minnie Munro in Point Claire, New South Wales. Dudley was 83; Minnie was 102. ***And why shouldn’t these two have been married; really, what did they have to lose? After all, it’s “till death do us part,” and that could be later that same afternoon!

1995: Senator Bob Dole accused Hollywood of promoting violence, rape and casual sex in music and movies and said “the mainstreaming of deviancy must come to an end.” Dole later admitted that he had not seen or heard much of what he had been criticizing.

1997: Lee Ann Womack debuted on the Grand Ole Opry.

1998: Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell) rocked the British entertainment world when she announced she was leaving The Spice Girls.

1999: A huge mock cigarette stuffed with balloons accidentally exploded and caught fire while it was being chopped into during a No-Tobacco Day ceremony in Bangkok. No one was seriously hurt, but there were several singed eyebrows.

2003: Air France’s superjet, the Concorde, returned to Paris in a final commercial flight.

2005: In 2005, Mark Felt admitted that, while No. 2 man in the FBI, he was “Deep Throat,” the shadowy contact whose help to Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein on the 1972 Watergate break-in led to U.S. President Richard Nixon’s resignation.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1578: Italian archaeologist Antonio Bosio discovers the Christian catacombs in Rome. Some have mistaken them for places of refuge or worship, but Christians used them mainly as burial chambers.

1638: Puritan pastor Thomas Hooker arrives in what is now Connecticut, after leaving Massachusetts because of a rivalry with Roger Williams. The minister also helped organize America’s first federal government, the United Colonies of New England

1701: Alexander Cruden, whose biblical concordance is still the standard for the King James Version, is born in Aberdeen, Scotland. Prone to erratic behavior, he worked on the concordance between mental breakdowns.

1792: William Carey preaches his famed sermon on missions. Largely self-taught, this cobbler was converted by the dissenters, developed a heart for missions, went hungry to buy himself books, and convinced others of the need of missions. He took as his text Isaiah 54:1,2 with its call to enlarge ones tent. “Attempt great things for God! Expect great things from God,” he said.

1803: Presbyterians appoint Rev. Gideon Blackburn their first missionary to the American Indians–the Cherokee nation.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Minority Report, Alexander, Phone Booth, Saving Mr. Banks) Colin Farrell 42

  • actress (The Blue Lagoon, “The Lipstick Jungle”, “Suddenly Susan”) Brooke Shields 53 (audio clip)

  • actress (Red Dawn, Back to the Future, Howard the Duck) Lea Thompson 57 (audio clip)

  • comedian (“Get a Life”, Groundhog Day, Dogbert on “Dilbert”) Chris Elliott 58 (audio clip)

  • actor (“Homicide: Life on the Street”, “Commander-in-Chief”) Kyle Secor 58 (audio clip)

  • actor (The Substitute, Major League, “October Road”) Tom Berenger 68

  • actress (“Burn Notice”, “Queer as Folk”, “Cagney & Lacey”) Sharon Gless 75 (audio clip)

  • football’s Joe Namath 75

  • actor-director (Any Which Way But Loose, High Plains Drifter, Good Bad & The Ugly, Dirty Harry) Clint Eastwood 88 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1930 : Clint Eastwood

1935 : Herb Alpert

1938 : Peter Yarrow (Peter, Paul and Mary)

1938 : Johnny Paycheck

1940 : Augie Meyers (Sir Douglas Quintet)

1944 : Mick Ralphs (Mott The Hoople, Bad Company)

1947 : Junior Campbell (Marmalade)

1948 : John Bonham (Led Zeppelin)

1952 : Karl Bartos (Kraftwerk)

1954 : Vicki Sue Robinson

1962 : Corey Hart

1964 : Darryl McDaniel (Run-DMC)

1965 : Steve White (Style Council)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call a traitor or tattle-teller a “stool pigeon?”

To catch passenger pigeons (which are now extinct), hunters used to nail a pigeon to a stool (yeah, it hurt – and that was the point). It’s alarmed cries would attract other passenger pigeons, and the hunters would shoot them by the thousands. The poor creature that played the traitor was a “stool pigeon.” Too bad we can’t morally or ethically nail some terrorists to a stool to get buddies show up, huh?

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Nearly one in four Millennials live with their mom.  ***They other three millennials don’t live at home – but they still visit daily for food and laundry services.

DeBeers is going to begin selling diamonds that are made in a lab.  ***Don’t we already have that?  It’s called cubic zirconia.

How’s this for embarrassing? In Belleville, Illinois, a Camp Jackson firetruck caught fire – inside the fire station!! Crews at the station found heavy smoke inside the front bay around 1:00PM. Assistant Chief Sharon Davis said firefighters were able to start the truck and pull it outside, away from the other equipment. They then worked for about 15 minutes to put the fire out. Davis said they believe the fire was electrical in nature and didn’t know if the truck could be salvaged.  ***So far they have no one to FLAME… uh blame.  But the fire chief is definitely HOT under the collar about it and may FIRE someone before the HEAT dies down.

Meghan Markle now has her own official coat of arms.  ***I guess a jacket with two arms just isn’t good enough for royalty.

Andrew Lincoln is going to be leaving “The Walking Dead” this next season, with Norman Reedus taking over the lead role.  ***They plan to have Rick walk off, limping into the sunset – much like the latest ratings of “The Walking Dead”.

Residents of Papua New Guinea will have to forget about using Facebook – for a month. The country’s communication minister, Sam Basil, says his government plans to ban the social media site for a month to cull out “fake users” and see how Facebook is affecting people’s lives.   ***Is it possible to go a full month without Facebook?  Do they have medications to make available for those who suffer withdrawal?

Disney World announced they are finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom.  ***It’s their last-ditch effort to make “Stitch’s Great Escape” somewhat entertaining.

Over in Indonesia, police say 10 passengers on a LionAir flight preparing to take off from Borneo were injured after a passenger falsely claimed there was a bomb on board. Most of the injuries were head wounds and broken bones as the 189 passengers panicked and scrambled to get off the plane. Video showed dozens of people standing on the Boeing 737’s right wing. Some slid down the right engine and landed on the tarmac. Police say 26-year-old Frantinus Nirigi told a flight attendant there was a bomb onboard. Another passenger broke the emergency exit windows. Both men were arrested. Police inspectors found no bomb.  ***You have to admit though, that’s a good way to clear out some space to get more leg room!

A study says people adding more seafood to their diet can improve their sex lives.  ***Maybe so – but I’m still not eating oysters unless they’re covered in Cheetos dust.

The oceanfront estate in San Clemente that was once owned by Richard M. Nixon and known as the Western White House during his presidency is back up for sale at $63.5 million.  ***A great opportunity if they can somehow, somewhere, against all odds, find someone who admires Richard M. Nixon.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Easy on the cinnamon! That advice from Denmark’s food authority has rankled pastry chefs whose cinnamon rolls were found to violate the European Union’s spice rules. The Danish Veterinary and Food Administration recently discovered that Danish cinnamon rolls and twists contained more coumarin – a chemical compound in the most common variety of cinnamon – than EU rules allow. So the agency asked Danish bakers to reduce the amount of cinnamon they sprinkle in the dough for sweet treats like the cinnamon roll and cinnamon twist. Danish bakers protested, saying the EU limit is too strict, and would make it hard, if not impossible, to make their cherished pastries. ***I’m confused – since when did former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg move to Denmark?

Mexico is looking to battle the bulging waistlines of its children by banning the sale of junk food in its schools, including many of the traditional treats generations of kids have grown up with. Getting the ax along with modern soft drinks and sweets will be salted tamarind candy, pork rinds and atole, the thick and sweet cornstarch-based beverage served piping hot in the morning. ***On the plus side, candy-filled piñatas are still allowed because they are good for cardio-vascular exercise.

Wildfires strike suddenly and unexpectedly, destroying homes, taking lives and costing billions of dollars every year. Now, scientists say that new satellite technology developed by NASA will help predict where fires will strike next. According to Time, the system, known as FireSat, uses infrared sensors to identify wildfires when they have grown to be at least 35 to 50 feet wide. Detection by the system occurs within 15 minutes of the beginning of a fire. ***Next, they hope to create an early-warning system to let people know of oncoming Kardashians.

Before you check out, remember that the hotel towels aren’t yours. And just because they’re owned by a big corporation doesn’t make it right to steal. Visitors steal roughly $50 million worth of towels a year in the United States. ***I’m suddenly feeling guilty about taking that half-full bottle of conditioner.

If you could live a tax-free life, would you get a big tattoo with the letters “IRS” on it on your body? In a survey, 1 in 5 Americans said they would. ***Can I add anything else to the tattoo along with the letters IRS? If so, I’d also add an F at the beginning and a T at the end. There you go – now stop taxing me into oblivion.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Racquet the Skunk made a defective badminton racquet and sold it to Gruffy Bear. Gruffy gave that same racquet as a gift to Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, without Racquet knowing. Rita gave the racquet to her friend Stinky – and it broke immediately! And now Rita is under arrest for sabotaging a badminton racquet!

CLOSE: This just keeps getting worse! Not only is Rita in jail for something she didn’t do, but now so is Gruffy… and the one that really should be in jail is Racquet for purposely making defective badminton racquets to begin with – all to try and get rich off of his friends. Tune in for more of our story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

How do you convince the DMV that you’re a man when they say you’re a woman?

A 16-year old boy from California was going to get his driver’s license when the Department of Motor Vehicles in Sacramento said that the hospital-issued birth certificate wasn’t an acceptable form of ID and that he had to get his “official” birth certificate from the county records. It was at this point that he discovered that when the State copied the information, they erroneously listed him as FEMALE.  So when he went to get his driver’s license, the DMV said — in spite of obvious physical evidence — that they had to list him as a female on his license. They said the only thing he could do to avoid that would be to fill out a form that said he had a sex-change operation!  But wait there’s more! His family thought the Department of Health Services, who made the error, could then just fix the problem on his birth certificate. Once again, despite the obvious physical evidence, they said they couldn’t change the birth certificate, but could attach an amendment to it that says he is now a male.  So his choices are A) to be listed as a female or B) to be listed as someone who’s had a sex change… all because a person made an obvious mistake 16 years ago on his birth certificate!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SAYINGS FROM WILL ROGERS

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

10. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

9. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day

8. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.

7. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

5. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

4. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Letti’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back

2. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

1. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A convenience store robbery is foiled… by the robbers!

FILE #1: Two men robbed a convenience store in a small Michigan suburb. On their way out of the store they ran into each other. One man’s gun discharged and the bullet struck the other man in the leg. The uninjured robber though continued to make his escape… until, that is, the first robber, now on the ground bleeding from a gunshot wound to the leg, decided he wasn’t going to let his partner-in-crime leave him behind. He pulled his gun and shot his partner in the leg – leaving both men on the ground with gunshot wounds, given to each other by each other (following so far?). Both men survived, the take was less than $50, but because it was armed robbery and shots were actually fired causing injury to each man, they received very long prison terms.

FILE #2: A man in South Carolina robbed a restaurant by writing a note demanding the cashier give him all the money in her cash drawer. The cashier complied and the robber made his get-away. But our criminal mastermind made the mistake of writing his demand note on the back of a bank check for which he had a valid account. The police arrested him at his home approximately one hour after the crime had been committed. His name and address were easily traced through his banking account.

FILE #3: A German man has been fined $300 for driving a wheelchair under the influence of alcohol. The 50-year-old man was on his way home when he popped a wheelie in front of police. They pulled him over and smelled a strong odor of alcohol. Further testing revealed that the man had a blood alcohol level 3-times the legal limit for driving. Police say the man was driving his wheelchair in the road at about 5-miles an hour, weaving recklessly from one lane to another. He was booked and then given a ride home.

STRANGE LAW: It is not illegal for children in Australia to smoke cigarettes, but it is illegal for them to purchase them.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Here’s a new one… being charged with drunk driving, when you’re in the passenger seat!

Police near Carlisle, Pennsylvania, stopped a weaving car. When it pulled over, the man sitting in the driver’s seat, Lucas Enbacker, was eating a giant sandwich with both hands. The man sitting in the passenger’s seat, Derek R. Pittman, told the officer sorry, but the weaving was HIS fault since he was steering while his buddy was eating. The officer gave Pittman a field sobriety test: He failed, and later his blood alcohol was measured at .237 percent, nearly triple the legal limit.  So Pittman, who was in the passenger seat, was charged with driving under the influence – yet Enbacker, who passed his field sobriety test and was actually in the driver’s seat and responsible for the vehicle, was not charged.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the strangest thing you ever saw along the side of the road?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Which judge struck down 600 Philistines with an ox-goad?
ANSWER: Shamgar (Judges 3:31)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What famous general has two separate burial sites – one for his left arm, and the another for the rest of him?

ANSWER: Civil War General Thomas Jonathan “Stonewall” Jackson. His left arm, which was amputated after the battle of Chancellorsville was buried on a nearby farm. A week later, Jackson died and was buried in Lexington, Virginia.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Buckingham Palace has over six hundred rooms. (True)

2. In Czechoslovakia, there is a church that has a chandelier made out of cat bones. (False – human bones)

3. There are mirrors on the moon. (True. They were left by astronauts so that laser beams could be bounced of them from Earth. These beams help give us the distance to the moon give or take a few meters.)

4. When the volcano Krakatoa, near Java, exploded in 1883, it was so loud that people in North America heard it. (True)

5. The first host of the TV game show “Jeopardy” was Pat Sajack. (False – Art Fleming way back in 1964 when the show first debuted)

6. The gestation period (length of a pregnancy) of a hippo is almost three years. (False – usually 8 to 8 1/2 months)

7. Australia’s national anthem is called “Advance Australia Fair.” (True)

8. Sanskrit is considered as the mother of all higher languages. (True – this is because it is the most precise and therefore suitable language for computer software.)

9. Popcorn has been served in movie theaters since 1964. (False – 1912)

10. The Brady Bunch house was located at 4222 Clinton Way. (True) (audio clip)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ TO BECOME PART OF THE U.S. (SIBERIA)

Siberian separatists have agreed to allow the United States to annex their region of Russia.

Many, if not all Siberians, may think at times that the Siberian regions with their natural riches live poorly just because they have to give away a big part of their incomes to other territories of the Russian Federation.

Siberians have tried to put that idea into action for decades and established a political movement. The vain attempts did not lead to anything for years, but now the movement has reached critical mass and and, if all goes according to plan, Siberia will become an American territory (much like Puerto Rico), within six months.

It’s a win-win situation for Siberians.

Those living in Siberia will be now identified as Siberians.  Vladimir Kiselyov, a 37-year-old resident of the city of Mezhdurechensk, was a leader in the movement and believed that Siberia had to get rid of the Moscow yoke.

The only way for the territory to truly prosper was to become a part of the US.

Of course, Vladmir Putin and the new Russian leadership vow to do everything to block the annexing of Siberia, but they did open a door with President Obama hinted that he would make Russia “an offer they couldn’t refuse” in order to get Siberia.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A drummer got bored with his instrument and decided to take up the accordion instead. Walking into a music shop, he spotted one he liked and asked the shopkeeper, “how much is that accordion by the wall, dude?”

The shopkeeper looked at him and said, “Let me guess, you’re a drummer, aren’t you?”

“Whoa, dude… that’s amazing. How did you know that I’m a drummer?” he said.

“That accordion by the wall is our radiator.”

JOKE #2

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say pardner, before you go…what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

JOKE #3

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on an elderly man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, “Sir, do you know what we’re doing right now?”

The old man slowly looked out the ambulance window. “Oh,” he replied, “I’d say about 50, maybe 55.”

USELESS FACTS

Did you know that the word “tip,” meaning a gratuity, was originally an acronym standing for “To Insure Promptness”?  ***So why then do we leave the “tip” after we have been served and not before?

Researchers in Italy say that heavy drinking may lead to liver disease. ***Thank heavens for stories like this, otherwise we might not ever know!

FEATURED FUNNIES

A LESSON IN FRACTIONS

A teacher put this question to little John in the arithmetic class. “John, suppose your mother made a peach pie and there were 10 of you at the table… your mother and father and eight children… how much of the pie would you get?”

“A ninth, Ma’am,” was the prompt answer.

“No John. Now pay attention,” said the teacher. “There are 10 of you. Ten, remember. Don’t you know your fractions?”

“Yes Ma’am,” was the swift replay of little John, “I know my fractions, but I know my mother, too. She’d say that she didn’t want any pie.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Do you remember what you did on New Year’s Eve? One man doesn’t… and he wants to apologize.

A Welsh accountant, who may have enjoyed himself too much on New Year’s Eve, has taken out a newspaper advertisement to apologize to whoever he may have offended with antics he can barely remember. Starting off with “To whom it may concern,” Howard Potter’s “contrite, abject and public apology” in the Western Mail begged the forgiveness of the staff of a Cardiff hotel, a man at a fish bar and two passing police officers. “All these people, and doubtless many more, were at some time during a long night castigated, vilified, embarrassed or, worst, bored, for which he most humbly and respectfully apologizes,” the ad read.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A WEALTHY WOMAN

By: Joseph J. Mazzella

I got to meet a wonderful person the other day. I had stopped to buy a local newspaper from a machine when I saw a middle-aged lady already there. She had a handful of quarters and was slowly buying paper after paper gently closing the machine after each purchase. She smiled at me and explained that her daughter’s picture was in the paper. She was getting copies for all the members of her extended family.

When she turned to leave I noticed a hole in her shoe and realized that the rest of her clothes had also seen better days. She climbed into her rusty, 20 year old pick-up truck and after 30 seconds of trying finally got it started. She smiled at me again and waved as she drove off. It occurred to me as she disappeared in the distance that she had never once thought of taking the extra papers she needed while only paying for one. It was then that I realized I had just met one of the richest people in the world.

I only wish that everyone in this world had this lady’s wisdom and wealth. She was rich beyond measure in all the important things in life. She was rich in honesty, integrity, goodness, kindness, cheerfulness, joy, and love. She was rich in family and in friends. She was rich most of all in oneness with God. It didn’t matter if her truck was old, her clothes were worn, and her dollars were few. She was rich in her heart and soul, and she possessed within her the wealth of an entire Kingdom: the Kingdom of Heaven.

The next time you find yourself thinking and worrying about money then remember that the real riches in this world can’t be bought. They must be chosen in your heart, created in your soul, and shared in your life. They are the love of God and the joy of living. And the more you give them away the more you receive them back in this life and in the next.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HOLD HANDS AND JUMP

READ: Ecclesiastes 4:8-12

Two are better than one. —Ecclesiastes 4:9

When Leo and Amy opened a 300-seat, fine-dining restaurant, Leo admitted he was “scared of everything.” Amy equates their leap of faith in starting their business to holding hands while jumping off a mountain. But if you’re going to do something scary, “you want to do it with someone you know and trust,” Leo continued.

Chris and Karie, another couple who took a risk to own and run a restaurant together, say they have “a good working relationship, as well as mutual admiration for each other’s work.”

Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, knew how crucial it is to have companions in life. He wrote, “Two are better than one” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). When one falls during a difficult time, another provides comfort and support (vv.10-12). We need our spouses and friends to help us through the scary times and to provide emotional support. Loners make life harder for themselves (v.8). But those who recognize their need for others find help and encouragement.

If you need to take a leap of faith—something involving finances, a career change, a new ministry—invite someone trustworthy to hold your hand as you make that jump. Or give that same encouragement to someone close to you. Because two really are better than one. —Anne Cetas

We are dependent on the strength
We draw from one another;
Words spoken give encouragement,
Love practiced draws us closer.  —Sper

Those who trust God can help others to do the same.

LEFTOVERS

DANGER WILL ROBINSON!
Robots apparently are not vegetarians.

Scientists in Florida have developed a robot that is powered by eating meat! Dubbed “Chew Chew the Gastrobot”, a 12-wheeled train-like robot runs on a microbial fuel cell, which breaks down food with bacteria and converts it into electrical energy. The cell works by producing enzymes that break down carbohydrates, releasing energy. Inventor Stuart Wilkinson of the University of South Florida says the ideal fuel for his robot is meat. Chew Chew may be developed into a lawnmower that eats grass clippings. A similar type of robot is being made in England that is powered by eating slugs.  ***MARLAR: It’s the self-lubricating SlugBot!

LIFE… LIVE IT

Ibuprofen may be the best thing to treat your child’s fever.

A new clinical trial has found that the best method of treating a child’s fever is to start with ibuprofen alone and then using acetaminophen plus ibuprofen. Ibuprofen is the ingredient in brand-name products like Advil or Motrin, while acetaminophen is found in Tylenol. Researchers at the University of Bristol, in the United Kingdom, said, “Doctors, nurses, pharmacists, and parents wanting to use medicines to treat young, unwell children with fever should be advised to use ibuprofen first and to consider the relative benefits and risks of using acetaminophen plus ibuprofen over a 24-hour period.”

JUST FOR FUN

The secret to having a long marriage with no arguments whatsoever!

A middle-aged married couple in Leiqing, China, say they used to argue ferociously every day until they hit on the magic recipe for a successful marriage: Never speak to each other. For five years, they’ve shared the same house and the same bed, but haven’t shared a word. The husband told the East Day newspaper, “We haven’t had an argument in five years.”

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU’VE GOT A REAL BAD SUNBURN

  • When you get up from the beach blanket, your skin stays there

  • Someone holds up a tomato next to you, to see if it’s ripe

  • It hurts to stand

  • While standing at an intersection, people are waiting for you to turn green

  • A lobster was lying on your back and nobody noticed

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Welcome to Summer… and SUNBURN.  What’s the best way to treat a sunburn?

You had so much fun frolicking in the waves that you forgot to reapply sunscreen, so your back and shoulders are untouchable.  Now what? Sunburn calls for a multistep treatment. “You have to deal with both the acute issue of discomfort and the potential long-term damage,” says Susan Weinkle, an assistant professor of dermatology at the University of South Florida, in Tampa.
* Apply damp compresses made from clean cloths soaked in a mixture of two teaspoons of baking soda and two cups of cool water. Or place chilled, used tea bags on the affected skin for about five minutes. “The tannins in the tea will relieve the sting.”  
* Prevent or lessen peeling with an emollient such as Aquaphor, which contains 41 percent petroleum jelly and holds in moisture. Or use aloe vera gel, which helps prevent peeling and takes away the sting. Apply it to damp skin.   
* If blisters form, try not to pop them. They serve as little tents that hold fluid against the skin and keep bacteria out. If a blister ruptures, cover the area with an antibiotic ointment like Polysporin.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Beware parental favoritism moms who favor one child over the other are risking long term harm to all, according to a Cornell study. The survey involved 275 mothers in their 60s and 70s with at least two living children. Offspring with an average age of 43 were also surveyed. Siblings who sensed their mother’s favoritism were more likely to be depressed by the time they reached their 30s and 40s. “Perceived favoritism from one’s mother still matters to a child’s psychological well being, even if they have been living for years outside the parental home,” says Dr. Karl Pillemer. “It doesn’t matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings.”

The University of Illinois found people who live surrounded by trees are healthier both physically and mentally than those trapped in a treeless urban jungle. “Nature calms people, and it also helps them to psychologically rejuvenate,” says Dr. Frances Kuo, who cites a study from Japan that shows those who regularly stroll in parks and other natural settings live longer than those who don’t. Kuo advises everyone to make a point of spending time in an environment that has plenty of trees and green grass at least one visit per week for those who don’t already live on tree lined streets.

Women who drink coffee over the long term appear to have a far lower risk of developing endometrial cancer, according to a study by researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health. Coffee is rapidly emerging as a protective agent in cancers that are linked to obesity, estrogen and insulin. “Coffee has already been shown to be protective against diabetes due to its effect on insulin,” said Dr. Edward Giovannucci, a senior researcher on the study, who is a Harvard professor of nutrition and epidemiology. “So we hypothesized that we’d see a reduction in some cancers as well.” The team analyzed data about coffee consumption in relation to endometrial cancer and found that drinking more than four cups of coffee per day was linked with a 25% reduced risk for endometrial cancer. Drinking between two and three cups per day was linked with a 7% reduced risk.

If you want to appear more attractive to someone else, smile, make eye contact and say, “I really like you.” It’s that easy, according to psychologist Dr. Ben Jones of Britain’s Aberdeen University. Telling someone that you like him or her makes you appear more attractive. Making eye contact and smiling have a similar effect. The study found that certain social cues signal to others how much we like them and play a crucial role in attraction. Specifically, the preference for the attractive face was much stronger when people were judging those faces that were looking at them and smiling.

Can you keep a secret? The better question is: Should you? We live in a Golden Age of Oversharing, where people spill every detail of every day on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat. Not to mention, more than 10 million people post on the confession site Whisper each month. But this I-am-an-open-book façade is, itself, a lie. Studies of social media posts find they do not often reflect someone’s true feelings. And research shows about 95 percent of women both withhold things from loved ones and have lied to someone close to them. The problem? Per the latest data, keeping stuff inside even lies we think of as harmless can cause anxiety, depression, and a host of bodily aches, especially if you feel guilty about the deception. While having your confidences exposed and dealing with the aftermath is scary, not doing so could be scarier for your health. (Women’s Health)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

So you think you’ve got student debt? Mike Meru owes lenders $1,060,945.42 in student debt. He is making payments, but still, his debt grows $130 every day. And the 37-year-old orthodontist is not alone. There are currently 101 borrowers who owe more than $1 million in student loans, and 2.5 million who owe more than $100,000. Part of the blame goes to rising costs of tuition. Meru graduated from Brigham Young University in Utah with no student debt, but his goal of becoming an orthodontist brought him to the University of Southern California, an expensive choice. Over the next seven years of school, tuition and interest rates spiraled. A few years in, he started to panic and considered dropping out but at the same time felt that orthodontics was his calling. To save money, Meru and his wife lived with his parents and he drove a used Buick. By his third year he was $340,000 in debt, and then he entered a residency program. Of his growing debt, he says, “I just wouldn’t look. The only thing looking did was create stress.” In all, he borrowed $600,506, which topped $1 million after interest. Today, Meru makes $225,000 working in his field, but the debt is unrelenting. “If you thought about it every single day,” says his wife, “you’d have a mental breakdown.” (Wall Street Journal)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Moving soon? Quick tip: moving yourself is never a good idea. Professional movers will take only half the time to break the same amount of stuff.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 25, 2018…

Solo: A Star Wars Story—Here it comes, “Star Wars” fans, the background story of Han Solo (with regards to Harrison Ford). The prequel, ten years before Han meets Luke Skywalker, stars newcomer Aiden Ehrenreich as Han Solo, with Joonas Suotamo as Chewbacca and Donald Glover as Lando Calrissian. New are Han’s partner, Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke from “Game of Thrones”), and Lando’s partner, a droid L3-37 (Phoebe Waller-Bridge.) Woody Harrelson is also in the cast as Tobias, a mentor to Han. In this time period, Han washes out of the Academy and is headed for a life of crime, trying to prove himself to the other side. Things don’t always go as planned, and Han seems torn between making friends or making enemies. Oh, yes, the Falcon is there, too. “Solo” is directed by Ron Howard and has a sense of wanting to be free.  Don’t we all?  “Solo: A Star Wars Story” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans already lining up at the box office. Enjoy.

Mary Shelley (opening in select cities) —This romantic historical drama set in the early 19th century, stars Elle Fanning as Mary Shelley, who wrote the classic novel, considered a masterpiece,  “Frankenstein” when she was eighteen. It came about during a love affair at that time. Based on fact. Also, in the cast are Douglas Booth and Bel Powery. “Mary Shelley” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Future World—James Franco stars in this film about an Earth after a global disaster and how to live with no water or gasoline. Memories of “Road Warrior” here. Also, in the cast is Lucy Liu. “Future World” is rated R. No rating.

JUNE 01, 2018…

A Kid Like Jake is a story of a family who realizes their child is trans-gender. Stars Claire Danes.

Adrift has Shailene Woodley as part of a group who find themselves in dire straits after a massive hurricane.

Upgrade is a science fiction film about trying to escape a computer-generated life. Stars Logan Marshall-Green.

Action Point stars Johnny Knoxville as a man who owns a decrepit amusement park. Comedy and expect base humor.

American Animals is based on a true-life event about college students trying to steal rare books. Stars Evan Peters.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.