My Face Is On Fire!

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror – my face was splotchy red, like I’d been hit with a stick a hundred times in the middle of the night. Normally that’s caused in the middle of the night by my wife hitting me a hundred times with a stick (I snore terribly). But since I fell asleep on the couch last night and we weren’t in the same bed, I had to do some investigating to discover the cause.

You may not know this, but I have a skin condition – a kind of psoriasis, like facial dandruff kind of thing. (That’s right, get in line, ladies.) There’s no pill I can take for my lingering leprosy, nor is there a cure – just a topical solution of steroids in alcohol. It comes in what looks like a nasal spray bottle; I simply turn it upside down and squeeze what I need onto my face as-needed. It dries instantly, is invisible, and nobody notices the medicine – just the red blotchiness until it disappears. Normally that happens in less time than in takes to say, “Honey please stop hitting me.”

This morning I woke up and my face was on fire. More painful that the whole wife and stick thing. So I went to the bathroom to use my medication again and I realized that what I used yesterday was not the steroids solution… it was my extra-strength, fast-acting, good for twelve hours, don’t use too much or you’ll become addicted, nasal spray. I had poured that stuff all over my face – half the bottle!

I now look like I spent too much time with my face in a microwave watching my hot dogs plump. I’m just thankful I don’t have a comedy show to do tonight. Or tomorrow. Maybe that’ll give my face time to heal. Then again, this might be a good story to tell onstage.

And on the plus side, today my facial pours are open wide and breathing freely.

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