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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151101
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
My sister-in-law sent me a picture of my youngest niece in her Halloween costume. She went trick-or-treating wearing a black mini-skirt, a bright orange belt, a shocking pink sweater, fishnet nylons, spike heels, and four pairs of earrings. Times have changed. My parents never allowed me to go trick-or-treating in my school clothes.
LAST NIGHT’S TWEETS…
It’s raining here, so all of the trick-or-treaters are dressed as Bruce Willis from “Unbreakable”.
Werewolf trick-or-treater just showed up with an umbrella. Makes sense; the smell of wet dog fur is awful.
Just had a kid show up in a gangster outfit… I think he was dressed as Obamacare.
Hey, keep those hands to yourself, Iron Man. No one flashes my wife but me.
If you’re old enough to wear a sexy (insert character) costume without stuffing your bra, you’re too old to go door to door begging for candy… despite how good you may be at it.
“Hey, you’re dressed as a cat” he said to my wife when she answered the door. Nice detective skills there, Batman.
Flesh colored footsie pajamas and a painted-grey beach ball. Miley Cyrus, I’m guessing? Nicely done, white trash mom.
Almost out of candy for our trick-or-treaters. Is it okay if we start passing out individual packets of Splenda?
We’re out of candy now, so we’re closing it down and going dark. You know, like Hillary’s email server.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
A man who flatters his neighbor, spreads a net for his feet. –Proverbs 29:5
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. –Ephesians 4:29
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. — 1 Peter 5:8-9
Thought: Satan is no play or pretend thing. He and his power are real and intended to harm. But rather than spending our time worrying about him, let’s resist him when we are tempted and focus on Jesus. He’s the one who won the big showdown at Calvary, triumphing over Satan. He took Satan’s greatest tool and disarmed it. Now we can resist and Satan will flee.
Prayer: Thank you, Almighty God, for sending Jesus to break Satan’s stranglehold over us. Through the Savior’s death you have assured me that mine won’t be the end of our relationship, but the beginning of life with you. Today, however, I ask that you help me especially resist Satan’s power over my life in the following ways… Through power and in the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Hebrews 11:1 NIV = Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
TODAY IS SUNDAY – NOVEMBER 01, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 54 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
NATIONAL FIG WEEK begins today. ***MARLAR: Not that I give a fig about it.
Today is NATIONAL EAT YOUR KIDS’ CANDY AFTER THEY GO TO BED DAY. ***MARLAR: Yeah, we know you did this yesterday, but today you can do it and be official about it!
Think All Hallows Eve is creepy, eh? Today is ALL HALLOWS DAY! ***MARLAR: That’s got to be even more scary, right? It’s also known as ALL SAINT’S DAY – which doesn’t sound scary at all. But it’s also the DAY OF THE DEAD… so we’re back to scary again!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
All Saints Day
Hockey Mask Day
Day of the Dead (Dia de Los Muertos)
Extra Mile Day
National Authors Day
National Family Caregiver Day
National Family Literacy Day
National Go Cook For Your Pets Day
Prime Meridian Day
Day Saving Time Ends (Turn Clocks Back One Hour)
COMING UP NEXT
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 02
All Souls Day
Fill Our Staplers Day
Plan Your Epitaph Day
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 03
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 04
National Chicken Lady Day
National Candy Day
Use Your Common Sense Day
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 05
National Love Your Red Hair Day
National Men Make Dinner Day (No BBQ allowed!)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 06
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 07
Digital Scrapbooking Day
National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day
Pumpkin Destruction Day
Sausage and Kraut Day
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 08
Abet and Aid Punsters Day
Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day
National Parents As Teachers Day
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 09
World Orphans Day
ON THIS DAY
1913: Notre Dame introduced the forward pass. Quarterback Gus Dorais completed 17 of 21 passes to receiver Knute Rockne to defeat a surprised Army team 35 to 13. ***MARLAR: They weren’t so surprised at the forward pass as they were to meeting a guy named Knute Rockne.
1914: 19-year-old New York debutante Mary Jacob invented the modern soft bra by having her maid sew two handkerchiefs together. She sold her rights to the multi-million-dollar creation for $15-thousand.
1939: The first test tube rabbit was presented to the New York Academy of Medicine.
1944: “Harvey,” a comedy by Mary Chase about a man and his friend, an invisible 6-foot-tall rabbit, opened on Broadway. It was later made into a movie starring Jimmy Stewart.
1946: The New York Knicks defeated the Toronto Huskies 68-66 in the very first NBA game. Any fan taller than Toronto center George Nostrand got in free.
1962: Lucille Ball debuted on “The Lucy Show,” with her former “I Love Lucy” co-star Vivian Vance. Gale Gordon joined the cast a year later.
1990: McDonalds announced it would replace Styrofoam burger boxes with heavyweight paper containers. ***MARLAR: The burgers themselves, however, never did lose that famous Styrofoam taste!
1993: The Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel reported what may have been history’s first scuba-diving dog. Dwayne Folsom designed special gear for his Labrador retriever, Shadow, who could stay underwater for as long as 20 minutes. ***MARLAR: Drippy Dog.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
451: The Council of Chalcedon (located in modern Turkey) adjourned. Begun on Oct 8th, its 17 sessions were attended by over 500 bishops, more than participated in any other ancient Church council.
1512: Italian Renaissance artist Michelangelo, 37, unveiled his 5,808_square_foot masterpiece, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican. He had been commissioned in 1508 by Pope Julius II to do a work depicting the whole story of the Bible.
1537: German reformer Martin Luther stated during one of his “Table Talks”: ‘There are many fluent preachers who speak at length but say nothing, who have words without substance.’
1950: Pope Pius XII proclaimed the dogma of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. His Apostolic Constitution “Munificentissimus Deus” taught that, at the end of her earthly life, Jesus’ mother was taken, body and soul, into heaven to be united with the risen Christ.
1963: English linguistic scholar J.R.R. Tolkien wrote in a letter: ‘In the last resort, faith is an act of will, inspired by love.’
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Muriel’s Wedding, Shaft, The Sixth Sense) Toni Collette 43
- actress Jenny McCarthy 43
- voice artist, actor and humorist Darren Marlar (blatant self-plug, feel free to send me gifts!) 47
- actress (Miriam Grasso on “Murder One”, Fay Furillo on “Hill Street Blues”) Barbara Bosson 76 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1926 : Lou Donaldson
1936 : Zeffrey “Andre” Williams
1937 : “Whispering” Bill Anderson
1940 : SSgt. Barry Sadler
1944 : Chris Morris (Paper Lace)
1944 : Mike Burney (Wizzard)
1950 : Dan Peek (America)
1951 : Ronald Bell (Kool and the Gang)
1957 : Lyle Lovett
1962 : Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
1963 : Rick Allen (Def Leppard)
1966 : Willie D (Geto Boys)
1968 : Alex James (Blur)
1981 : LaTavia Roberson (formerly of Destiny’s Child)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Whatever happened to the kid who played Charlie in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?”
Peter Ostrum, the 13-year-old child actor who so charmingly played Charlie in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) left the film industry after this movie, which was his first and only film appearance. Ostrum later went on to become a veterinarian in New York.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Casting Crown’s Megan Garrett was, her words, “Getting my hair did”. Megan said it was taking a lot of product to get her hair looking just right. She shared: So far she’s used a billion foils (est), 2 gallons of bleach, 3 tubs of color (for the greys), and 2 plastic caps.
Audio Adrenaline’s Adam Agee was looking for the good in something he really didn’t enjoy doing. Adam tweeted: Beautiful day for a run. Still hate running, but it was the least miserable it could have been.
Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey says today was one of his favorite days. That’s because his wife drove 8 hours to surprise him on tour. Mike tweeted: Love this girl forever.
More than huge crowd showed up for a Finding Favour homecoming over the weekend. The members of the band tweeted: So humbled that 2,000 people would show up to our hometown show! Loved Loved Loved every second of it.
The combination of high altitude in Colorado and low blood pressure due to her pregnancy had Francesca Battistelli feeling very weak over the weekend. She posted that she would be at her concert but would be forced to sit for most of the show.
The Afters are currently on their Time of My Life tour but it wasn’t quite living up to its name over the weekend. Josh Havens says the band was dealing with a broke down bus over the weekend.
Citizenway guitarist Josh Calhoun is getting to try something a little different during their tour with Big Daddy Weave. Josh tweeted: I get to play a bit of drums on this tour.
The Newsboys were giving back over the weekend. They presented a check for $5,000 to the Harvest Hope Food Bank to help with Flood Relief. Members of the band tweeted: So honored to give back to the South Carolina community!
An embarrassing moment for Ellie Holcomb. She tweeted: That moment when you walk into the bathroom at the Nashville airport and think they remodeled…only to realize it’s the men’s room!
Comedian Bob Smiley recently found a notepad of jokes he used when he first started. Bob said: 1st one: “He had a Life Savor haircut. Had a big hole in the middle.” Hope I’ve gotten better.
ODD & WEIRD NEWS…
|Already home to a ski hill, Emirates may get a snow park
ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates (AP) — Already home to a ski hill inside a mall, the sunbaked deserts of the United Arab Emirates soon may be home to a snow park too. Officials with Abu Dhabi’s Reem Mall, scheduled to open in 2018, say they plan to build a 125,000-square-foot…
|Oregon man arrested, accused of stealing woman’s underwear
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — Officials say a Portland man has been arrested for breaking into a neighbor’s home and stealing women’s underwear. HASH(0xc2b8a0) Police say they found the man’s jacket on the roof with two pairs of women’s underwear, maxi pads and a large bowie knife in the pockets….
|Witch wins protective order against warlock in Salem court photo
BOSTON (AP) — A judge granted a protective order against a warlock on Wednesday, spelling relief for the Salem witch who accused him of harassment. The two squared off in court before a Salem District Court judge, who granted the protective order to witch priestess Lori Sforza. She had…
|Oh, deer: Vermont hotel to serve $75 road kill-inspired menu
BURLINGTON, Vt. (AP) — A fish and wild game supper is featuring some Vermont road kill on the menu. HASH(0xc2d350) Residents say it’s a quirky and interesting idea. The supper will cost $75 and will be prepared by chef Doug Paine. Also on the menu will be deer, bear, moose and muskrat. Paine…
|Creepy Halloween doll in carpool lane doesn’t fool officer photo
TACOMA, Wash. (AP) — Washington state troopers have seen drivers use all kinds of tricks to get access to carpool lanes. During Tuesday’s morning commute, a trooper pulled over a man who tried to use a creepy Halloween doll to gain access to the carpool lane of Interstate 5 in Tacoma. The…
|Dead chipmunks portray Michigan State’s miracle football win photo
LANSING, Mich. (AP) — Touchdown! Chipmunks? A Lansing taxidermist is honoring Michigan State’s stunning football victory over Michigan with dead, stuffed chipmunks portraying players on the final play. Jalen Watts-Jackson returned a fumble for a touchdown on Oct. 17. Nick Saade (SAAH’-day)…
|In scramble for political finance, Bolivians turn to coca
LA PAZ, Bolivia (AP) — While U.S. politicians are scrambling for ways to pay for campaigns, few are likely to adopt the latest Bolivian tactic. Backers of President Evo Morales say they’re bolstering their finances with donations of potatoes and coca, the crop that’s a traditional stimulant…
|Officer dressed as homeless man catches drivers using phones
BETHESDA, Md. (AP) — A Maryland police officer went undercover dressed as a homeless man to catch people who were using their phones while driving. Cpl. Patrick Robinson went undercover Tuesday morning equipped with a police radio and a body camera. He held a sign that read, “I am not…
|Army blimp breaks loose, drifts for hours over Pennsylvania photo
MUNCY, Pa. (AP) — A slow-moving, unmanned Army surveillance blimp floated over Pennsylvania for hours causing electrical outages as its tether hit power lines, after it broke loose from its mooring at a Maryland military facility. The 240-foot helium-filled blimp, which had two fighter jets…
|From kung fu to California cops: Nunchucks make comeback
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Sgt. Casey Day was skeptical. The chief of his rural Northern California police department wanted him to find out if an ancient martial arts weapon made famous in 1970s Bruce Lee movies could be used to subdue unruly suspects. But it only took a few days of training with…
|Tow company charges man $48K to pull his Jeep out of mud pit
WALPOLE, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts man whose Jeep got stuck in a mud pit while off-roading with his girlfriend says a towing company is charging him $48,000. Joel Ramer says the Jeep landed in a mud pit last week in Walpole, near Boston. It took 12 hours for police and Assured Collision to…
HEALTH & FITNESS NEWS…
|Police, state investigate cryotherapy death at Vegas spa photo
LAS VEGAS (AP) — Las Vegas police said they have reopened an investigation into the death of a spa worker who was found dead in a cryotherapy chamber. In addition, the state and the family of 24-year-old Chelsea Patricia Ake-Salvacion, the woman who died, announced their own investigations…
|NY agency to protect the disabled rarely brings charges photo
SCHENECTADY, N.Y. (AP) — In a video he made with his PlayStation, a 12-year-old developmentally disabled boy in a group home points to his swollen right eye and says, “Mom, this is what it looks like. … He slammed me.” His camera keeps rolling as his adult caretakers enter his room, where…
|NY to require training for doctors who OK pot for patients
ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — New York state will require physicians to complete an educational course before they can authorize medical marijuana for patients — an unusual mandate not applied to other new drugs or seen in other states with medical marijuana programs. State officials say the…
|Prosthetic eye maker brings relief to wounded Gazans photo
GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip (AP) — Imad Abu Wadi barely slept after losing his right eye during the summer 2014 war between Israel and Hamas in the Gaza Strip. The 26-year-old, then engaged, was waiting eagerly for his wedding. But with a red, hollow eyeless socket, he imprisoned himself at home….
|Sanofi recalls all injectors used for allergic reactions photo
BRIDGEWATER, N.J. (AP) — Sanofi is recalling hundreds of thousands of epinephrine injectors used to treat severe allergic reactions because they may not deliver the correct amount of the life-saving drug. The recall includes all Auvi-Q injections currently on the U.S. market, or roughly…
|Family stunts disabled daughter’s growth to expand her world photo
BALI, Indonesia (AP) — Whether Charley Hooper has any concept of the space she occupies in the world is an enigma. She is so disabled that her mother considers her “unabled.” At 10, her brain is believed to function at the level of a newborn’s. She cannot speak, cannot walk, cannot see…
|UN agency links hot dogs and other processed meat to cancer photo
PARIS (AP) — Bacon, hot dogs and cold cuts are under fire: The World Health Organization threw its global weight behind years of experts’ warnings and declared Monday that processed meats raise the risk of colon and stomach cancer and that red meat is probably harmful, too. Meat producers are…
|A look at other common cancer-causing substances
PARIS (AP) — Hotdogs, bologna and other processed meats now rank alongside tobacco, alcohol and around 100 more substances on the International Agency for Research on Cancer’s list of Group 1 carcinogens. In 2012, 14.1 million new cancer cases were diagnosed and 8.2 million cancer deaths were…
|WHO removes Nigeria from list of polio-endemic countries
LAGOS, Nigeria (AP) — The U.N. World Health Organization is formally removing Nigeria from the list of polio-endemic countries, meaning the entire African continent is free of the crippling disease. A WHO statement said Monday’s move comes after Nigeria reported no new cases for 15 months…
|Police, state investigate cryotherapy death at Vegas spa photo
LAS VEGAS (AP) — Las Vegas police said Wednesday they have reopened an investigation into the death of a spa worker who was found dead in a cryotherapy chamber. In addition, the state and the family of 24-year-old Chelsea Patricia Ake-Salvacion, the woman who died, announced their own…
|Another challenge to health overhaul heads to Supreme Court photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Opponents of President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul are taking yet another challenge to the law to the Supreme Court, and say they will be back with more if this one fails. A new appeal being filed Monday by the Pacific Legal Foundation contends the law violates the…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Angry, Colorblind People”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Rich Praytor, “Disneyland Burgers”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided to stop singing with her sisters – she wanted to go solo. Then Cheetah’s band decided to leave and go solo… together. But then they all broke up because they all wanted solos too. And now it’s so bad that even individual guitar strings and piano keys are refusing to play together – EVERYBODY wants a spotlight of their own!
CLOSE: How much worse can this solo thing get? Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER 31/NOVEMBER 01
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson’s little sister Katie was pretty unfeeling towards Marvy and his having a cold. In fact, she showed no compassion at all. And just about that time, the snow outside began melting really fast – and it flooded the backyard, then into the house, and now she’s been swept onto the high seas!
CLOSE: Sounds like Candyland is going to be a really fun – and tasty place to visit! But what does all of this have to do with compassion? We’ll find out next time as our story continues, on As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
In Benton, Arkansas, Stinson Bailey had city permission to demolish a building, but things went awry.
Anytime a sentence like that appears in a story, you know the outcome is not going to be good, and likely amusing. After getting the proper permits, Stinson began tearing down the buildings. The ‘awry’ part happened when he decided to use fire instead of sledgehammers. This despite a warning from the local fire chief that burning buildings was illegal. The chief was kindly told he was not needed and to return later. Return he did. This time with his employees and a fire truck after the fire had turned into a major blaze. Officers arrested Bailey, who said, “I would’ve been all right if the wind hadn’t changed.”
TOP TEN REASONS THE AVERAGE CHRISTIAN CAN’T PLAY BASEBALL
- Doesn’t practice all week, but expects to start on game day.
- Gets upset when every ball that’s hit doesn’t come directly to him.
- Never swings at a pitch because, “this pitcher doesn’t throw like the last pitcher. The game’s just not the same since he left.”
- Wants to run home before going to first base.
- Chatters in order to keep his own teammates from hitting the ball.
- Doesn’t come to the game unless the coach personally calls him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.
- Won’t run after the ball if it’s more than three feet away. After all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later.
- Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his teammates backs.
- Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn’t have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to talk about the catcher.
- Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand will be closed before it’s over.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A bank robber forgets to do one crucial thing after robbing a bank – run away!
FILE #1: Accused bank robber Charles M. Gallaher might have had a better chance of getting away if he’d actually tried to leave the scene of the crime. Instead of running, driving, biking, or even roller-blading off after holding up a bank in Bellingham, WA, Gallaher chose to sit on a planter outside the building and count his haul. The 24-year-old criminal mastermind was found there by a frazzled bank manager soon after the holdup, and the two promptly got into a shouting match over the illicit funds. Police arrived in minutes and arrested the sedentary thief.
FILE #2: A quick thinking store attendant prevented a crime and caught the criminal all at the same time. A man who tried to rob a Dayton, Ohio, liquor store was caught because a clerk was able to slip outside during the robbery attempt and lock the would-be robber inside the store. Police said that the crook was “obviously not a professional.”
FILE #3: A 22-year-old Ohio woman got off easy recently when charged with obstruction of justice. Jamie Vannostran of Akron recently committed the crime when police came to her home looking for the father of her 3 children. He was hiding in the attic of her home, and when asked by the police if he was in her home, she lied to try to keep him from being found. The police found him anyway, arrested him, and her. Her sentence? 15 hours of community service and sentenced to write, “I will not lie to the police” 100 times on a piece of notebook paper.
STRANGE LAW: Apartment dwellers Beware! Especially men! In Switzerland, you can get into serious trouble flushing your toilet after 10pm.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
It’s a court case with a lot of bull.
A Queens woman is suing a New York City restaurant over a mechanical bull accident. Rachel Love claims she was a victim of negligence and “assault and battery” because she was allowed to ride the bull at Johnny Utah’s in Rockefeller Center. The suit contends employees of the Western-themed restaurant shouldn’t have permitted someone who was drunk on the bull. The court papers don’t detail her injuries. In September, a man sued the restaurant over another claimed bucking bull accident. ***MARLAR: She’s the one who got drunk and did something stupid, and it’s the restaurant’s fault?
So, did you find something in your kids’ trick-or-treat bag that you felt you needed to remove?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who tore a lion apart with his bare hands?
ANSWER: Samson (Judges 14:6… “And the spirit of the Lord came upon him in power so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands, as he might have torn a young goat.”)
QUESTION: According to a recent study about 25% of men never use what?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- A single little brown bat can catch 100 mosquitoes-sized insects in just one hour. (False – in just an hour they can catch 1,200! That’s twenty insects a minute!)
- A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second. (True)
- An albatross can sleep while it flies. (True – and it apparently dozes while cruising at 25 mph.)
- An iguana can stay under water for 8 minutes. (False – they can stay under water for 28 minutes!)
- Beaver teeth are so sharp that Native Americans once used them as knife blades. (True)
- By feeding hens certain dyes they can be made to lay eggs with varicolored yolks. (True)
- Certain birds can be frozen solid then thawed and continue living. (False – but some frogs can do it)
- Cheetahs chirp. (True – it’s much like a bird’s chirp or a dog’s yelp. The sound is so an intense, it can be heard a mile away.)
- About 10% of the world’s population is left-handed. (True)
- Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the United States. (True – some 50,000 cases per year. A nine-year study of US cities showed a strong correlation between death rates and periods of significant pollution.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
DINOSAURS PLAYED WITH ________ (MARBLES)
Scientists made a major discovery at an archaeological dig – dinosaurs played with marbles.
A team of crack archaeologists spent a several weeks in Montana searching for dinosaur eggs, but instead of finding eggs, the team found something much bigger: dinosaur marbles.
Led by Dr. Ashy Larry, the team found conclusive evidence that dinosaurs played with marbles. ”Many people think that dinosaurs were all business, just stomping around eating everything they could find, but really, they were much more playful animals,” said Dr. Larry. ”They had a love for games of chance, just like humans. They played marbles and we can tell from the dig, that they enjoyed it.
Dr. Ashy Larry said that this is the greatest discovery of his career. ”I’m so excited I can barely breathe,” said Dr. Larry.
The dinosaur marbles that were discovered were multi-colored and smooth. ”The dinosaurs only played with the best marbles. These marbles would go for forty or fifty bucks today. They are top of the line,” said Dr. Larry.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kinds of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: “I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no full – stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”
A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, “Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”
With a smile the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”
The mouth of a jellyfish is also the anus. ***MARLAR: I got nothing to add to that.
Pregnant ladies, there’s a superstition just for you! According to a superstition in Iceland, a pregnant woman should never drink from a cracked coffee cup. If she does, her baby will be born with a stutter. ***MARLAR: Then again, the stutter might be caused by the caffeine from the coffee in the mug with the crack.
In 2003 the State Assembly in the California Statehouse passed a resolution that proclaimed the Yellowstone National Park as one of California’s most treasured tourist attractions. ***MARLAR: Yes, Yellowstone is a beautiful park. It’s a national treasure, but one of California’s most treasured tourist attractions? Yellowstone is in Wyoming! These guys are passing resolutions about things that don’t even exist in their own state!
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.
“Aw, Dad, it’s okay” the son said. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
In Birmingham, Alabama, Jesus Christ was deemed unfit for jury duty. We’re talking about the 59-year-old woman who legally changed her name to Jesus Christ. She was formally Dorothy Lola Killingworth and was sent to Judge Clyde Jones’s courtroom for a criminal case. However she was excused because she was reportedly disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them. Court administrator Sandra Turner said people there were shocked when the woman insisted her name was Jesus Christ and some potential jurors laughed out loud when her name was called.
THE CRACKED POT
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots was perfectly made and never leaked. The other pot had a crack in it and by the time the water bearer reached his master’s house it had leaked much of it’s water and was only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.” “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?” “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”
Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, God will use our flaws to grace his table. In God’s great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A BAD HABIT
They tempted the Lord, saying, “Is the Lord among us or not?” —Exodus 17:7
Most people have a bad habit or two. Some habits are just irritating, such as talking too much or too fast. Others are much more serious.
Consider, for example, the bad habit developed by the people of ancient Israel. They had just been delivered from slavery (Exodus 14:30), and they ought to have been thankful. Instead, they started to complain to Moses and Aaron, “Oh, that we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt!” (16:3).
We read in Exodus 17 that their complaining escalated into a quarrel. In reality, their complaint was with God, but they picked a fight with Moses because he was the leader. They said, “Why is it you have brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our livestock with thirst?” (v.3). The people even began questioning if God was really with them (v.7). Yet He always met their needs.
If we’re honest, we would have to admit that we sometimes complain when God isn’t coming through for us the way we want. We accuse Him of being absent or disinterested. But when our heart is concerned with God’s purposes rather than our own, we will be patient and trust Him to provide all that we need. Then we won’t develop the bad habit of complaining. —Albert Lee
This story is both horrible and wonderful… and it involves a dog.
In Zevenaar, Holland, an 18-month-old French Mastiff fell from a balcony and basically hung himself as he remained dangling from his collar and leash until neighbors and bystanders finally noticed. They cut the poor dog loose but he was unconscious and had stopped breathing. They first tried heart massage but that did nothing. That’s when one of the neighbors closed the dog’s mouth and began breathing air into his nose. The dog miraculously came to and was taken immediately to an area vet. He’s now fully recovered! ***MARLAR: The man who saved the dog’s life was immediately offered a job on Michael Vick’s staff.
LIFE… LIVE IT
TOP FIVE GERMIEST LOCATIONS IN YOUR DAY
There is an estimated five nonillion (5×10 to the power of 30) bacteria alive and thriving on the Earth today. Top 5 “germiest” locations:
- Public Magazines. Grime factor: Hand sanitizer will do the trick. Cold and flu viruses can survive on dry surfaces for upward of 48 hours, while some bacteria, such as E. coli, can survive on dry surfaces for months on end.
- Office Keyboards. Grime factor: Hand sanitizer will do the trick. A study by UK consumer group tested 33 office keyboards for microbial contamination. The result: Several office keyboards were labeled “health hazardous,” while one particular keyboard was found to be carrying five times as many germs as the same office’s public toilet seats. That’s a germ cesspool if ever there was one.
- The Gym. Grime factor: Vigorous hand washing with soap and hot water . A 2006 study in the Clinical Journal of Sport Medicine found the cold virus on 73% of weight-lifting equipment and on 51% of aerobic equipment.
- Shopping Carts. A 2006 study out of the University of Arizona found two-thirds of shopping cart handles to be contaminated with bacteria, including E. coli and salmonella, more so than public toilet seats. The culprit: Diapered infants.
- Subway Poles. Due to sheer commuter volume alone, subway poles are a prime source of disease transmission.
JUST FOR FUN
Shanghai wants to improve its image, and that means no more doing laundry in the streets.
Shanghai wants to look spiffy, so it’s made it illegal to dry laundry along busy streets. They see this as nothing more than an eyesore, but Shanghai residents are upset, because they’ve already been banned from drying their clothes on several main roads. One 28-year-old resident said, “Of course we have to hang our laundry out in the streets to dry — where else can we get enough sunlight?” ***MARLAR: And where else could they get that fresh carbon monoxide smell?
LIFE’S REALITIES ARE FUNNY
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
- Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
- You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
- One of the life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
- It’s frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
- If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Life doesn’t just begin at forty; it also begins to show.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
- I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
- Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
- It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
- Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.
- The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
- Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
- Can it be a mistake that “STRESSED” is “DESSERTS” spelled backwards?
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
How much would you pay for a nap?
Nicholas Ronco started a Manhattan business called Yelo that sells naps. Customers step inside a soundproof YeloCab, a cozy cabin engineered for maximum tranquility, to sleep. Yelo opened in February 2007. Since then, more than 4,000 nappers have stopped in. Clientele ranges from corporate executives to “disco nappers” who stop by on Saturday afternoons to rev up before a hard night on the town. A snooze at Yelo costs $15 for 20 minutes. A 40-minute nap will set you back $28. In its first year, the nap shop booked revenue of $400,000; for next year, Ronco projects sales of $1.3 million.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Scientists in Australia accidentally stumbled on a substance that can remove toxic mercury from the sea. It’s called limonene (limon-neen), and can be found in any orange peel. The team was working with sulfur and limonene to create a red, rubber-like polymer. When they began running tests to measure its potentially harmful impact on the environment, they discovered quite the opposite — the substance can suck mercury right out of water.
Looking for a new home in Chicagoland? Well, even Michael Jordan isn’t above sweetening the deal. After struggling to sell his 56,000-square-foot Chicago mansion for the past three years, the NBA legend has halved its price to a little under $15 million — and offered to outfit its buyer with every edition of Air Jordans ever made. The estate includes a regulation-size basketball court, a putting green and a full service hair salon.
High school football coach Joe Kennedy has been put on paid administrative leave because he refused to stop praying in public at football games. According to CBN.com, The Bremerton School District in Washington state made that decision earlier this week, saying the move was necessary because “Kennedy’s conduct poses a genuine risk that the District will be liable for violating the federal and state constitutional rights of students or others.” But Kennedy says it’s actually his constitutional rights that are being violated. Kennedy’s attorneys at the Liberty Institute say the district has no right to ban the coach from personally praying, and they’re ready to sue the school district.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven played music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well. –Martin Luther King, Jr.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
(*I’m traveling this week, so this blog’s topic may look slightly familiar.)
In recent days, we’ve learned of another invasion of privacy with the hacking of two well known persons’ email accounts. Regrettably, these two people have a lot to do with our nation’s security! I’m speaking of the personal accounts of CIA Director John Brennan and Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson.
The New York Post revealed it was a teenager who was the culprit. And what did he get? How about access to documents such as Social Security numbers for more than 12 US intelligence officials. This came from Brennan’s account. The hacker claims his tapping into Brennan’s AOL information contained the CIA director’s own application for top security clearance — a trove of nearly 50 pages of who knows what. Well, now the hacker does.
There appears to be a pro-Palestinian motivation behind the hacker. He claims to be non-Muslim but disapproved of US policy. He threatened more action if his views of needed change aren’t met. Even government is becoming a hacker’s paradise.
But it’s everywhere. It’s been reported that the “real problem is that so many breaches occur in the first place. Credit and debit card fraud has nearly quadrupled in past decade.” Staying a step ahead of thieves is hard work.
Security breaches in our modern age put our finances, medical history, and loads of personal information up for grabs. A news story several months back in the New York Times offered an eerie glimpse into new ways of enhancing personal security. A bank in Britain now provides voice analyzation for added security to high net worth individuals. In Japan, some ATMs scan vein patterns in a person’s palm before money is released. Fingerprint sensors on computers and smartphones are becoming more common.
As we know, pets are now commonly sold and adopted with microchips to reveal their identity in the event they are lost or stolen. Radio Frequency identification tags (RFID) are being encouraged in various parts of the globe for humans. Proponents say these devices embedded under people’s skin could help curb identity theft, improve medical care, and even help identify disaster victims.
It would seem obvious to most of us that more people are willing to sacrifice personal privacy for this sense of personal security. Cameras, for example, are everywhere. We are monitored at every turn.
So what is a person to do? Tough decisions may be ahead. How far will people go to give themselves these earthly personal protections?
Many also believe that all of this activity is connected to events leading to what are called “the end times.” One of the most difficult instructions Jesus gave his followers had to do with reading the signs of the times. Note these words of his … “But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will be falling from heaven, and the powers in the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in clouds with great power and glory.” (Mark 13:24-26) So … are you ready?
Oddly, it seems the vast majority of people on our planet are more concerned with personal security than eternal security. We’re more worried about a credit or email account breach than a spiritual breach in our own lives. The kind that could rob us of eternal reward.
I suggest you take the best precaution possible regarding your greatest asset: YOU! Protect yourself with a “living trust.” Make a day by day decision to abide in Him. Put your faith in Jesus.
There is no more sound investment strategy. And it never needs an upgrade.
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
OCTOBER 30, 2015…
Our Brand Is Crisis—In a role originally written for a man, Sandra Bullock takes on politics in Bolivia. She is hired to be a campaign manager for a Bolivian presidential candidate. Shades of “whatever works.” Her aides are Anthony Mackie and Ann Dowd. What kind of strategy can she come up with? Also in the cast Joaquin de Almeida and Billy Bob Thornton as her rival.. Based on a true situation. “Our Brand Is Crisis” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the cast.
Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse—Yup, almost Halloween and here comes another horror film. In years to come, will these young stars name this on a resume? Just saying…Instead of a party, the three stars battle zombies. Cast includes Tye Sheridan, Patrick Schwarzenegger (you read that right) and Logan Miller. “Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse” is rated R. No rating.
NOVEMBER 06, 2015…
Brooklyn with Saoirse Ronan as an Irish immigrant to New York in the 1950’s.
The Peanuts Movie in 3 D animation with your favorite characters. Enjoy.
Spectra and James Bond with Daniel Craig starring. What more need be said?
Spotlight stars Michael Keaton in a film of the Boston Globe coverage of the catholic church sex scandal.
Trumbo has Bryan Cranston playing screenwriter Dalton Trumbo.
Miss You Already has Toni Collette battling cancer.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.