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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161101
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
My sister-in-law sent me a picture of my youngest niece in her Halloween costume. She went trick-or-treating wearing a black mini-skirt, a bright orange belt, a shocking pink sweater, fishnet nylons, spike heels, and four pairs of earrings. Times have changed. My parents never allowed me to go trick-or-treating in my school clothes.
LAST NIGHT’S TWEETS…
It’s raining here, so all of the trick-or-treaters are dressed as Bruce Willis from “Unbreakable”.
Werewolf trick-or-treater just showed up with an umbrella. Makes sense; the smell of wet dog fur is awful.
Just had a kid show up in a gangster outfit… I think he was dressed as Obamacare.
Hey, keep those hands to yourself, Iron Man. No one flashes my wife but me.
If you’re old enough to wear a sexy (insert character) costume without stuffing your bra, you’re too old to go door to door begging for candy… despite how good you may be at it.
“Hey, you’re dressed as a cat” he said to my wife when she answered the door. Nice detective skills there, Batman.
Flesh colored footsie pajamas and a painted-grey beach ball. Miley Cyrus, I’m guessing? Nicely done, white trash mom.
Almost out of candy for our trick-or-treaters. Is it okay if we start passing out individual packets of Splenda?
We’re out of candy now, so we’re closing it down and going dark. You know, like Hillary’s email server.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
A man who flatters his neighbor, spreads a net for his feet. –Proverbs 29:5
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. –Ephesians 4:29
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. — 1 Peter 5:8-9
Thought: Satan is no play or pretend thing. He and his power are real and intended to harm. But rather than spending our time worrying about him, let’s resist him when we are tempted and focus on Jesus. He’s the one who won the big showdown at Calvary, triumphing over Satan. He took Satan’s greatest tool and disarmed it. Now we can resist and Satan will flee.
Prayer: Thank you, Almighty God, for sending Jesus to break Satan’s stranglehold over us. Through the Savior’s death you have assured me that mine won’t be the end of our relationship, but the beginning of life with you. Today, however, I ask that you help me especially resist Satan’s power over my life in the following ways… Through power and in the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
Hebrews 11:1 NIV = Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – NOVEMBER 01, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 55 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
NATIONAL FIG WEEK begins today. ***Not that I give a fig about it.
Today is NATIONAL EAT YOUR KIDS’ CANDY AFTER THEY GO TO BED DAY. ***Yeah, we know you did this yesterday, but today you can do it and be official about it!
Think All Hallows Eve is creepy, eh? Today is ALL HALLOWS DAY! ***That’s got to be even more scary, right? It’s also known as ALL SAINT’S DAY – which doesn’t sound scary at all. But it’s also the DAY OF THE DEAD… so we’re back to scary again!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Hockey Mask Day ***Shouldn’t this be reserved for a Friday the 13TH?
Extra Mile Day
National Authors Day
National Family Caregiver Day
National Family Literacy Day
National Go Cook For Your Pets Day
Prime Meridian Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 02
All Souls Day
National Traffic Professionals Day
Plan Your Epitaph Day
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 03
Public Television Day
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 04
National Chicken Lady Day
National Candy Day
Use Your Common Sense Day
National Medical Science Liaison Awareness & Appreciation Day
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 05
Digital Scrapbooking Day
National Love Your Red Hair Day
Pumpkin Destruction Day
Sausage and Kraut Day
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 06
Daylight Saving Time Ends @2:00am (turn clocks back 1 hour)
International Day for Preventing the Exploitation of the Environment in War and Armed Conflict
Zero Tasking Day
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 07
Fill Our Staplers Day
International Merlot Day
Job Action Day
National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 08
Abet and Aid Punsters Day
Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day
National Parents as Teachers Day
ON THIS DAY
1913: Notre Dame introduced the forward pass. Quarterback Gus Dorais completed 17 of 21 passes to receiver Knute Rockne to defeat a surprised Army team 35 to 13. ***They weren’t so surprised at the forward pass as they were to meeting a guy named Knute Rockne.
1914: 19-year-old New York debutante Mary Jacob invented the modern soft bra by having her maid sew two handkerchiefs together. She sold her rights to the multi-million-dollar creation for $15-thousand.
1939: The first test tube rabbit was presented to the New York Academy of Medicine.
1944: “Harvey,” a comedy by Mary Chase about a man and his friend, an invisible 6-foot-tall rabbit, opened on Broadway. It was later made into a movie starring Jimmy Stewart.
1946: The New York Knicks defeated the Toronto Huskies 68-66 in the very first NBA game. Any fan taller than Toronto center George Nostrand got in free.
1962: Lucille Ball debuted on “The Lucy Show,” with her former “I Love Lucy” co-star Vivian Vance. Gale Gordon joined the cast a year later.
1990: McDonalds announced it would replace Styrofoam burger boxes with heavyweight paper containers. ***The burgers themselves, however, never did lose that famous Styrofoam taste!
1993: The Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel reported what may have been history’s first scuba-diving dog. Dwayne Folsom designed special gear for his Labrador retriever, Shadow, who could stay underwater for as long as 20 minutes. ***Drippy Dog.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
451: The Council of Chalcedon (located in modern Turkey) adjourned. Begun on Oct 8th, its 17 sessions were attended by over 500 bishops, more than participated in any other ancient Church council.
1512: Italian Renaissance artist Michelangelo, 37, unveiled his 5,808_square_foot masterpiece, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican. He had been commissioned in 1508 by Pope Julius II to do a work depicting the whole story of the Bible.
1537: German reformer Martin Luther stated during one of his “Table Talks”: ‘There are many fluent preachers who speak at length but say nothing, who have words without substance.’
1950: Pope Pius XII proclaimed the dogma of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. His Apostolic Constitution “Munificentissimus Deus” taught that, at the end of her earthly life, Jesus’ mother was taken, body and soul, into heaven to be united with the risen Christ.
1963: English linguistic scholar J.R.R. Tolkien wrote in a letter: ‘In the last resort, faith is an act of will, inspired by love.’
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (Muriel’s Wedding, Shaft, The Sixth Sense) Toni Collette 44
actress Jenny McCarthy 44
voice artist, actor and humorist Darren Marlar (blatant self-plug, feel free to send me gifts!) 48
actress (Miriam Grasso on “Murder One”, Fay Furillo on “Hill Street Blues”) Barbara Bosson 77 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1926 : Lou Donaldson
1936 : Zeffrey “Andre” Williams
1937 : “Whispering” Bill Anderson
1940 : SSgt. Barry Sadler
1944 : Chris Morris (Paper Lace)
1944 : Mike Burney (Wizzard)
1950 : Dan Peek (America)
1951 : Ronald Bell (Kool and the Gang)
1957 : Lyle Lovett
1962 : Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
1963 : Rick Allen (Def Leppard)
1966 : Willie D (Geto Boys)
1968 : Alex James (Blur)
1981 : LaTavia Roberson (formerly of Destiny’s Child)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Whatever happened to the kid who played Charlie in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?”
Peter Ostrum, the 13-year-old child actor who so charmingly played Charlie in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) left the film industry after this movie, which was his first and only film appearance. Ostrum later went on to become a veterinarian in New York.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Casting Crowns Melodee Devevo was showing off her brand new guitar this week. She said it was made especially for her buy Vespers guitars. https://twitter.com/MelloDee/status/792592772209541120/photo/1
Jamie Grace has some very faithful followers. Over the weekend she shared a picture of new born twins that were named after her. The twin girls were named Jamie Brynn and Aria Grace.
You can now own Sara Groves’ touring bus. She posted over the weekend: though I am very much alive and playing music, our bus days are coming to a close. Sara posted a link to the sale page for the bus she has toured in for the past 16 years. It’s available for just under 90-thousand-dollars. http://www.busforsale.com/buses/bus_detail.php?bus=1095&name=Covenant
Citizenway is saying goodbye to Chad Sowards. The student at Judson University has filled in with the band over the past year. Citizenway members say he is now stepping down so he can focus full time on his own band, Mass Anthem. Chad will be replaced by another Judson University grad, Walter Halliwell. As they said goodbye to Chad, the members of Citizenway posted: Our deepest thanks Chad! We love you and we’re gonna miss you!
Jason Gray recently introduced everyone to Jaclyn, who he has been dating for the past year. Over the weekend Jason opened up, sharing his personal story. Jason shared honestly on Instagram about his divorce and his time in a counseling center after it was finalized. He also talked about meeting Jaclyn, who also had recently come out of a painful relationship, and how their relationship had progressed over the past year. Jason wrapped it up with a picture of he and Jaclyn together and told the real reason for his recent openness. Jason said: the main reason I wanted to introduce you all to Jaclyn was so that I could let you know that…she said yes. On her ring finger Jason pointed out a sparkling new diamond. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMMc6BthZV2/
Chris Tomlin’s Worship Night In America was a powerful example of unity in our country, as the most diverse assembly of people — from every race, age, socio-economic status, background, and region — came together last week to pray for America. People packed more than 450 theaters and churches for the one night event to worship and pray alongside other believers. Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, Matt Maher, and Phil Wickham led attendees in worship and Max Lucado delivered a powerful message of God’s unconditional love for His children.
Casting Crowns Megan Garrett this week shared her definition of a vulnerability. She said it’s having snot run down your face while your hands are occupied playing the piano and the cameraman is pointing right at you.
Josh Wilson says getting to their concerts in Pennsylvania and New York this week got a little complicated. Josh is on the J and J and JJ tour with Jason Gray and JJ Heller. He said they took a car to get to the van and then took the van to get to the bus before heading toward the venues up north.
Switchfoot is continuing a Christmas tradition. Their Christmas packages will release this Friday, November 4. As in past years, Switchfoot will include a 3 Song BACKSTAGE EP in the Packages and they want you to design it! They posted over the weekend: Your job, should you choose to accept it: design the cover! The Backstage EP Songs will include: Where The Light Shines Through, Float & I Won’t Let You Go. The design winner will receive “THE ADVENTURER”, a big, super deluxe Christmas Package which includes some exciting new offerings like a Switchfoot flannel and Jon’s Journal with lyrics and drawings plastered through the pages. Design entries need to be posted by noon (PDT) on November 1. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMMTbxSgKAz/
Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey got a jump on the singing of the National Anthem before game three of the World Series. The longtime fan of the Cubs attended the game and posted a video as he led the fans around him in the singing of the National Anthem. https://twitter.com/swprophets/status/792140101740625920/video/1
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email email@example.com for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
The dating website Beautiful People is set to open a club in Los Angeles which will be open only to good looking people. ***I’d give you a report of what happens there, but they won’t let me in.
In China, a 17-year-old robbed a driver on a remote country road just to show his parents that he could. He told the driver he was robbing who he was, where he from and the name of his father. Questioned by police, he said that he wanted to show his ability to do something “great” for his parents. ***So now the parents are sending him back to middle-school so he can learn to use a dictionary and find out what the word “great” actually means.
The average man tells three lies a day, which amounts to 1,092 lies a year. while more honest, the average woman tells her share of fibs, too, uttering lies 728 times a year or about twice a day. ***Of course we man are lying more often – we have to keep saying, “You look fine” with every outfit you try on so we can finally leave the house.
A report says climate change may threaten the world’s coffee supply. ***I’ve not been a believer of global warming and climate change up to now, but this is coffee we’re talking about, and we cannot afford to take any chances!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A study from the University of Illinois reveals that 9- and 10-year-old children who are aerobically fit tend to have significantly thinner gray matter. Thinning of the outermost layer of brain cells in the cerebrum is associated with better math performance. *** (SIDEKICK: I’m not buying this at all. Aerobically fit? Do they really expect us to believe that elementary school kids can fly?) No, they’re saying aerobically – you’re thinking of aerodynamic. (SIDEKICK: What’s the difference?)
Not only are Americans not using all their vacation time, they aren’t doing much relaxing during the days they do take off. According to a survey of 1,000 adults (by Princess Cruises) a majority of Americans spend vacation days dealing with various errands, and many of them feel guilty about relaxing. ***Not me. Heck, I don’t even look at the “honey do” list. That in itself is “work” in my opinion – and it’s my day off.
Animal researchers say that elephants may have self-awareness like humans after an elephant proved that she recognized herself in a mirror. ***And immediately thought, “Dang, I need to join Jenny Craig!”
Teenagers are prolific texters. But there’s evidence that they are even doing it in their sleep. It’s called sleep texting. “The phone will beep, they’ll answer the text,” says Elizabeth Dowdell, nursing professor at Villanova University. “They’ll either respond in words or gibberish. The thing that happens, though, is that when they wake up, there’s no memory.” Dowdell says teens should get eight, nine or ten hours of sleep a night. “Overplugged and overextended teens and young adults tend to get less than that,” she says, “so this interrupts what could be a good night’s sleep, because they’re an hour-and-a-half or two hours into their sleep cycle, and they’re answering texts or the machines are beeping at them.” The solution is a technology-free bedroom, or, at the very least, putting the phone on the other side of the room, and turning off the ringer. ***Sleep texting. I don’t know about you, but this sounds like the perfect excuse for me to finally text someone and tell them what I really think of them. “No, mom, I really DO like your meatloaf! I must’ve been sleep texting…”
WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
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DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Daren Streblow, “Phone Drop”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was making his own badminton racquets… and when Gruffy Bear saw them, and tried one out, he insisted that Racquet make a special badminton racquet just for him… and has agreed to give Racquet one of his new blue handled hammers for it.
CLOSE: I have a sneaking suspicion Racquet is about to get two new orders for badminton racquets… you think? Boy, these jungle animals sure take the game of badminton seriously. Tune in next time for more of our story… As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 05/06
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…
CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
In Benton, Arkansas, Stinson Bailey had city permission to demolish a building, but things went awry.
Anytime a sentence like that appears in a story, you know the outcome is not going to be good, and likely amusing. After getting the proper permits, Stinson began tearing down the buildings. The ‘awry’ part happened when he decided to use fire instead of sledgehammers. This despite a warning from the local fire chief that burning buildings was illegal. The chief was kindly told he was not needed and to return later. Return he did. This time with his employees and a fire truck after the fire had turned into a major blaze. Officers arrested Bailey, who said, “I would’ve been all right if the wind hadn’t changed.”
TOP TEN REASONS THE AVERAGE CHRISTIAN CAN’T PLAY BASEBALL
10. Doesn’t practice all week, but expects to start on game day.
9. Gets upset when every ball that’s hit doesn’t come directly to him.
8. Never swings at a pitch because, “this pitcher doesn’t throw like the last pitcher. The game’s just not the same since he left.”
7. Wants to run home before going to first base.
6. Chatters in order to keep his own teammates from hitting the ball.
5. Doesn’t come to the game unless the coach personally calls him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.
4. Won’t run after the ball if it’s more than three feet away. After all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later.
3. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his teammates backs.
2. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn’t have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to talk about the catcher.
1. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand will be closed before it’s over.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A bank robber forgets to do one crucial thing after robbing a bank – run away!
FILE #1: Accused bank robber Charles M. Gallaher might have had a better chance of getting away if he’d actually tried to leave the scene of the crime. Instead of running, driving, biking, or even roller-blading off after holding up a bank in Bellingham, WA, Gallaher chose to sit on a planter outside the building and count his haul. The 24-year-old criminal mastermind was found there by a frazzled bank manager soon after the holdup, and the two promptly got into a shouting match over the illicit funds. Police arrived in minutes and arrested the sedentary thief.
FILE #2: A quick thinking store attendant prevented a crime and caught the criminal all at the same time. A man who tried to rob a Dayton, Ohio, liquor store was caught because a clerk was able to slip outside during the robbery attempt and lock the would-be robber inside the store. Police said that the crook was “obviously not a professional.”
FILE #3: A 22-year-old Ohio woman got off easy recently when charged with obstruction of justice. Jamie Vannostran of Akron recently committed the crime when police came to her home looking for the father of her 3 children. He was hiding in the attic of her home, and when asked by the police if he was in her home, she lied to try to keep him from being found. The police found him anyway, arrested him, and her. Her sentence? 15 hours of community service and sentenced to write, “I will not lie to the police” 100 times on a piece of notebook paper.
STRANGE LAW: Apartment dwellers Beware! Especially men! In Switzerland, you can get into serious trouble flushing your toilet after 10pm.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
It’s a court case with a lot of bull.
A Queens woman is suing a New York City restaurant over a mechanical bull accident. Rachel Love claims she was a victim of negligence and “assault and battery” because she was allowed to ride the bull at Johnny Utah’s in Rockefeller Center. The suit contends employees of the Western-themed restaurant shouldn’t have permitted someone who was drunk on the bull. The court papers don’t detail her injuries. In September, a man sued the restaurant over another claimed bucking bull accident. ***MARLAR: She’s the one who got drunk and did something stupid, and it’s the restaurant’s fault?
So, did you find something in your kids’ trick-or-treat bag that you felt you needed to remove?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who tore a lion apart with his bare hands?
ANSWER: Samson (Judges 14:6… “And the spirit of the Lord came upon him in power so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands, as he might have torn a young goat.”)
QUESTION: According to a recent study about 25% of men never use what?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. A single little brown bat can catch 100 mosquitoes-sized insects in just one hour. (False – in just an hour they can catch 1,200! That’s twenty insects a minute!)
2. A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second. (True)
3. An albatross can sleep while it flies. (True – and it apparently dozes while cruising at 25 mph.)
4. An iguana can stay under water for 8 minutes. (False – they can stay under water for 28 minutes!)
5. Beaver teeth are so sharp that Native Americans once used them as knife blades. (True)
6. By feeding hens certain dyes they can be made to lay eggs with varicolored yolks. (True)
7. Certain birds can be frozen solid then thawed and continue living. (False – but some frogs can do it)
8. Cheetahs chirp. (True – it’s much like a bird’s chirp or a dog’s yelp. The sound is so an intense, it can be heard a mile away.)
9. About 10% of the world’s population is left-handed. (True)
10. Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the United States. (True – some 50,000 cases per year. A nine-year study of US cities showed a strong correlation between death rates and periods of significant pollution.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
DINOSAURS PLAYED WITH ________ (MARBLES)
Scientists made a major discovery at an archaeological dig – dinosaurs played with marbles.
A team of crack archaeologists spent a several weeks in Montana searching for dinosaur eggs, but instead of finding eggs, the team found something much bigger: dinosaur marbles.
Led by Dr. Ashy Larry, the team found conclusive evidence that dinosaurs played with marbles. ”Many people think that dinosaurs were all business, just stomping around eating everything they could find, but really, they were much more playful animals,” said Dr. Larry. ”They had a love for games of chance, just like humans. They played marbles and we can tell from the dig, that they enjoyed it.
Dr. Ashy Larry said that this is the greatest discovery of his career. ”I’m so excited I can barely breathe,” said Dr. Larry.
The dinosaur marbles that were discovered were multi-colored and smooth. ”The dinosaurs only played with the best marbles. These marbles would go for forty or fifty bucks today. They are top of the line,” said Dr. Larry.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kinds of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: “I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no full – stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”
A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, “Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”
With a smile the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”
The mouth of a jellyfish is also the anus. ***I got nothing to add to that.
Pregnant ladies, there’s a superstition just for you! According to a superstition in Iceland, a pregnant woman should never drink from a cracked coffee cup. If she does, her baby will be born with a stutter. ***Then again, the stutter might be caused by the caffeine from the coffee in the mug with the crack.
In 2003 the State Assembly in the California Statehouse passed a resolution that proclaimed the Yellowstone National Park as one of California’s most treasured tourist attractions. ***Yes, Yellowstone is a beautiful park. It’s a national treasure, but one of CALIFORNIA’S most treasured tourist attractions? Yellowstone is in Wyoming! These guys are passing resolutions about things that don’t even exist in their own state!
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.
“Aw, Dad, it’s okay” the son said. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
In Birmingham, Alabama, Jesus Christ was deemed unfit for jury duty. We’re talking about the 59-year-old woman who legally changed her name to Jesus Christ. She was formally Dorothy Lola Killingworth and was sent to Judge Clyde Jones’s courtroom for a criminal case. However she was excused because she was reportedly disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them. Court administrator Sandra Turner said people there were shocked when the woman insisted her name was Jesus Christ and some potential jurors laughed out loud when her name was called.
THE CRACKED POT
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots was perfectly made and never leaked. The other pot had a crack in it and by the time the water bearer reached his master’s house it had leaked much of it’s water and was only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.” “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?” “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”
Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, God will use our flaws to grace his table. In God’s great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A BAD HABIT
They tempted the Lord, saying, “Is the Lord among us or not?” —Exodus 17:7
Most people have a bad habit or two. Some habits are just irritating, such as talking too much or too fast. Others are much more serious.
Consider, for example, the bad habit developed by the people of ancient Israel. They had just been delivered from slavery (Exodus 14:30), and they ought to have been thankful. Instead, they started to complain to Moses and Aaron, “Oh, that we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt!” (16:3).
We read in Exodus 17 that their complaining escalated into a quarrel. In reality, their complaint was with God, but they picked a fight with Moses because he was the leader. They said, “Why is it you have brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our livestock with thirst?” (v.3). The people even began questioning if God was really with them (v.7). Yet He always met their needs.
If we’re honest, we would have to admit that we sometimes complain when God isn’t coming through for us the way we want. We accuse Him of being absent or disinterested. But when our heart is concerned with God’s purposes rather than our own, we will be patient and trust Him to provide all that we need. Then we won’t develop the bad habit of complaining. —Albert Lee
This story is both horrible and wonderful… and it involves a dog.
In Zevenaar, Holland, an 18-month-old French Mastiff fell from a balcony and basically hung himself as he remained dangling from his collar and leash until neighbors and bystanders finally noticed. They cut the poor dog loose but he was unconscious and had stopped breathing. They first tried heart massage but that did nothing. That’s when one of the neighbors closed the dog’s mouth and began breathing air into his nose. The dog miraculously came to and was taken immediately to an area vet. He’s now fully recovered! ***MARLAR: The man who saved the dog’s life was immediately offered a job on Michael Vick’s staff.
LIFE… LIVE IT
TOP FIVE GERMIEST LOCATIONS IN YOUR DAY
There is an estimated five nonillion (5×10 to the power of 30) bacteria alive and thriving on the Earth today. Top 5 “germiest” locations:
Public Magazines. Grime factor: Hand sanitizer will do the trick. Cold and flu viruses can survive on dry surfaces for upward of 48 hours, while some bacteria, such as E. coli, can survive on dry surfaces for months on end.
Office Keyboards. Grime factor: Hand sanitizer will do the trick. A study by UK consumer group tested 33 office keyboards for microbial contamination. The result: Several office keyboards were labeled “health hazardous,” while one particular keyboard was found to be carrying five times as many germs as the same office’s public toilet seats. That’s a germ cesspool if ever there was one. Oh, and you can lump your mobile phone in with your office keyboard as well… same disgusting stuff happening there.
The Gym. Grime factor: Vigorous hand washing with soap and hot water . A 2006 study in the Clinical Journal of Sport Medicine found the cold virus on 73% of weight-lifting equipment and on 51% of aerobic equipment.
Shopping Carts. A 2006 study out of the University of Arizona found two-thirds of shopping cart handles to be contaminated with bacteria, including E. coli and salmonella, more so than public toilet seats. The culprit: Diapered infants.
Subway Poles. Due to sheer commuter volume alone, subway poles are a prime source of disease transmission.
JUST FOR FUN
Shanghai wants to improve its image, and that means no more doing laundry in the streets.
Shanghai wants to look spiffy, so it’s made it illegal to dry laundry along busy streets. They see this as nothing more than an eyesore, but Shanghai residents are upset, because they’ve already been banned from drying their clothes on several main roads. One 28-year-old resident said, “Of course we have to hang our laundry out in the streets to dry — where else can we get enough sunlight?” ***MARLAR: And where else could they get that fresh carbon monoxide smell?
LIFE’S REALITIES ARE FUNNY
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life doesn’t just begin at forty; it also begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Can it be a mistake that “STRESSED” is “DESSERTS” spelled backwards?
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
How much would you pay for a nap?
Nicholas Ronco started a Manhattan business called Yelo that sells naps. Customers step inside a soundproof YeloCab, a cozy cabin engineered for maximum tranquility, to sleep. Yelo opened in February 2007. Since then, more than 4,000 nappers have stopped in. Clientele ranges from corporate executives to “disco nappers” who stop by on Saturday afternoons to rev up before a hard night on the town. A snooze at Yelo costs $15 for 20 minutes. A 40-minute nap will set you back $28. In its first year, the nap shop booked revenue of $400,000; for next year, Ronco projects sales of $1.3 million.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Ark Encounter President Ken Ham says the life-sized Noah’s Ark is on track to reach 1.4 million visitors. Ham tackled predictions by secular media that the Encounter would not get many visitors by announcing that, since it opened doors on July 7, it has welcomed in over 400,000 guests. Ham added: “Taking group bookings and other information into account, we believe next summer will be much busier than what we just saw this past summer. Right now, we are on track to reach more than 1.4 million people.” http://ow.ly/P5Or305AIgi
If you have a pet that has a food dish, you might want to listen very carefully for a moment. It’s a good idea to put your pet’s food dish in a place your children can’t reach. Why? It could be a source of Salmonella bacterial infection among humans, and little kids are most at risk. HealthDay News reports that researchers from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention tracked a 2006 to 2008 Salmonella outbreak that sickened 79 American patients, about half of whom were 2 years old or younger, to household use of dry cat and dog food. Unlike humans, pets do not display the classic symptoms of a Salmonella infection, which include diarrhea, abdominal cramps, fever, nausea and/or vomiting. Instead, pets are able to shed the bacterium for up to 10 to 12 weeks in their feces. What can you do to protect yourself and your children? The single most important thing you can do is to wash your hands and your children’s hands after doing anything for a pet — be it touching its mouth, petting it or cleaning up after it. Purchase only well-packaged, well-stored pet food and keep it out of the reach of infants and toddlers.
Happiness and health go hand-in-hand (and it’s all thanks to your marriage). Healthy people aren’t just the happy ones — they’re now the married ones. And if you thought that a significant other was more woe than it was worth, turns out you were painfully mistaken because a mate won’t just keep you happy, they’ll keep you living longer, too. In a study, a team of researchers at the Harvard Radiation Oncology Program found that married cancer patients live longer than singles with the same disease. Researchers analyzed more than 735,000 patients that had received a cancer diagnosis in one of the 10 leading cancer killers (colon, breast, pancreatic, liver, etc.) between 2004 and 2008. And though the emotional support provided by a spouse proved to be to a patient’s benefit, they found that men benefitted greater than women did. Most unsurprisingly, though, was the fact that the study and doctors were able to conclude that being single is a risk factor for cancer patients. They’re less likely to attend and keep up with medical treatments. So for married couples, the support system a spouse can provide you with is everything. It’ll keep you alive for longer. (YourTango.com)
The general election is coming up quickly and, over the weekend, Pastor and Speaker Greg Laurie shared his thoughts on the Presidential Election. No, he doesn’t endorse a candidate. Instead, Pastor Laurie reminds Christians where their focus needs to be during these turbulent times. Read the article at http://ow.ly/neJZ305H9s5
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven played music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well. –Martin Luther King, Jr.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
OCTOBER 28, 2016…
The Eagle Huntress—Here is a beautifully filmed documentary (true story) of a young girl in Mongolia who wants to become an eagle trainer/hunter. This is something only men of that area have done for generations, or even centuries. How to catch a baby bird, how to become friends with the wild creature—all this is shown. However, she must go against tradition. “The Eagle Huntress” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of birds.
Inferno—Tom Hanks, fresh off “Scully,” now takes on the role of Robert Langdon in Dan Brown’s novel concerning deciphering clues from “Dante’s Inferno.” Of course, there is a villain to stop him, and Felicity Jones is there as Hanks’ partner in the search. “Inferno” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of Dan Brown’s works.
Rings—Oh, yes, Halloween must be near. You thought the video tapes were gone? Ha. It is back cursing anyone who watches it and this includes Alex Roe and Matilda Lutz. “Rings” is rated R. No rating.
NOVEMBER 04, 2016…
Bleed For This is the story of a boxer, who suffered a near fatal injury in an accident and goes back into the ring. Stars Miles Teller.
Doctor Strange is adapted from a comic book and has Benedict Cumberbatch in the title role.
Hacksaw Ridge with Andrew Garfield (former Spider-Man) is based on the true story of a conscientious objector in WWII. Mel Gibson directs.
Loving is a true story about the romance between a white man (Joel Edgerton) and a back woman (Ruth Negga).
Trolls is an animated film on the lives of the little troll dolls. Remember them? One of the voices is Justin Timberlake.
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