November 01, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

My sister-in-law sent me a picture of my youngest niece in her Halloween costume. She went trick-or-treating wearing a black mini-skirt, a bright orange belt, a shocking pink sweater, fishnet nylons, spike heels, and four pairs of earrings. Times have changed. My parents never allowed me to go trick-or-treating in my school clothes.

LAST NIGHT’S TWEETS

Just finished a giant bowl of chili. The plan is to use the methane gas to keep children away so I can keep all of the Snickers for myself.

Zombie with no teeth wearing her dad’s dentistry shirt. Costume + advertising for two points!

Bwah ha ha! Kid dressed as a bunny just took a candy bar and his friend said, “Silly rabbit, Twix are for kids!” Pure genius!

It’s raining here, so all of the trick-or-treaters are dressed as Bruce Willis from “Unbreakable”.

Werewolf trick-or-treater just showed up with an umbrella. Makes sense; the smell of a wet dog is awful.

Hey, keep those hands to your side, Iron Man. No one flashes my wife but me!

If you’re old enough to wear a sexy (insert character) costume without stuffing your bra, you’re too old to go door to door begging for candy… despite how good you may be at it.

“Hey, you’re dressed as a cat” he said to my wife when she answered the door. Nice detective skills there, Batman.

Flesh colored footsie pajamas and a painted-grey beach ball. Miley Cyrus, I’m guessing? Nicely done, white trash mom.

Just ran out of candy for our trick-or-treaters. Is it okay if we start passing out individual packets of Splenda?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

A man who flatters his neighbor, spreads a net for his feet. –Proverbs 29:5

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. –Ephesians 4:29

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. — 1 Peter 5:8-9

Thought: Satan is no play or pretend thing. He and his power are real and intended to harm. But rather than spending our time worrying about him, let’s resist him when we are tempted and focus on Jesus. He’s the one who won the big showdown at Calvary, triumphing over Satan. He took Satan’s greatest tool and disarmed it. Now we can resist and Satan will flee.

Prayer: Thank you, Almighty God, for sending Jesus to break Satan’s stranglehold over us. Through the Savior’s death you have assured me that mine won’t be the end of our relationship, but the beginning of life with you. Today, however, I ask that you help me especially resist Satan’s power over my life in the following ways… Through power and in the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Hebrews 11:1 NIV = Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – NOVEMBER 01, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
55 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

NATIONAL FIG WEEK begins today. ***Not that I give a fig about it.

Today is NATIONAL EAT YOUR KIDS’ CANDY AFTER THEY GO TO BED DAY. ***Yeah, we know you did this yesterday, but today you can do it and be all official-like about it!

Think All Hallows Eve is creepy, eh? Today is ALL HALLOWS DAY! ***That’s got to be even more scary, right? It’s also known as ALL SAINT’S DAY – which doesn’t sound scary at all. But it’s also the DAY OF THE DEAD… so we’re back to scary again!

TODAY IS ALSO…

All Saints’ Day
Autistic Speaking Day
Birth of Baha’U’Llah
Birth of The Bab
Hockey Mask Day
Dia de Los Muertos (Day of The Dead)
Extra Mile Day
Give Up Your Shoulds Day
International Stress Awareness Day
National Authors’ Day
National Calzone Day
National Family Caregiver Day
National Family Literacy Day
National Go Cook For Your Pets Day
Stress Awareness Day
Prime Meridian Day
World Vegan Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 02

All Souls Day
Cookie Monster Birthday
International Day to End Impunity for Crimes Against Journalists
National Men Make Dinner Day (Must Cook. No BBQ Allowed!)
National Traffic Professionals Day
Plan Your Epitaph Day

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 03

Cliché Day
Fountain Pen Day
Love Your Lawyer Day
National Jersey Friday
National Medical Science Liaison Awareness & Appreciation Day
Public Television Day
Sandwich Day
Stout Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 04

SOS Day: 3Bison Day
National Chicken Lady Day
National Candy Day
National Easy-Bake Oven Day
Use Your Common Sense Day
Digital Scrapbooking Day
Pumpkin Destruction Day
Sadie Hawkins Day
Sausage and Kraut Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 05

Play Monopoly Day
Stout Day
Daylight Savings Time Ends
National Love Your Red Hair Day
World Tsunami Awareness Day
Zero Tasking Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 06

Color The World Orange Day
Fill Our Staplers Day
International Day for Preventing the Exploitation of the Environment in War and Armed Conflict
Job Action Day
National Nachos Day
Saxophone Day
Traffic Directors Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 07

Election Day
Employee Brotherhood Day
International Merlot Day
National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day
National Canine Lymphoma Awareness Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 08

Abet and Aid Punsters Day
Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day
Dunce Day
Intersex Day of Remembrance
National Parents As Teachers Day
National S.T.E.M./S.T.E.A.M. Day
X-Ray Day

ON THIS DAY

1913: Notre Dame introduced the forward pass. Quarterback Gus Dorais completed 17 of 21 passes to receiver Knute Rockne to defeat a surprised Army team 35 to 13. ***They weren’t so surprised at the forward pass as they were to meeting a guy named Knute Rockne.

1512: Michelangelo’s paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel were exhibited for the very first time. ***Most people had the same comment after viewing them: “Man, my neck hurts!”

1800: John Adams became the first president to live in the White House. ***For fun, whenever his kids got in trouble, he’d take them into the Oval Office and tell them to stand in the corner.

1870: The U.S. weather bureau made their first observation. ***The forecast: it may rain or not.

1913: During the Notre Dame/Army football game, the forward pass was used for the very first time. ***Since then, of course, there have been more passes in football than former President Bill Clinton at a Flight Attendants’ convention.

1914: 19-year-old New York debutante Mary Jacob invented the modern soft bra by having her maid sew two handkerchiefs together. She sold her rights to the multi-million-dollar creation for $15-thousand. ***A vast improvement over the previous barbed wire version!

1939: The first test tube rabbit was presented to the New York Academy of Medicine.

1944: “Harvey,” a comedy by Mary Chase about a man and his friend, an invisible 6-foot-tall rabbit, opened on Broadway. It was later made into a movie starring Jimmy Stewart.

1946: The New York Knicks defeated the Toronto Huskies 68-66 in the very first NBA game. Any fan taller than Toronto center George Nostrand got in free.

1962: Lucille Ball debuted on “The Lucy Show,” with her former “I Love Lucy” co-star Vivian Vance. Gale Gordon joined the cast a year later.

1963: Whamo patented the Frisbee. ***Yes, the inventor just went down to the patent office and Whamo: he had a patent.

1990: McDonalds announced it would replace Styrofoam burger boxes with heavyweight paper containers. ***The burgers themselves, however, never did lose that famous Styrofoam taste!

1993: The Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel reported what may have been history’s first scuba-diving dog. Dwayne Folsom designed special gear for his Labrador retriever, Shadow, who could stay underwater for as long as 20 minutes. ***Drippy Dog.

2011: Kim Kardashian had filed for divorce from husband Kris Humphries after just 72 days of marriage. ***This shocking news was shocking to…NO ONE!

2014: Rescue crews were pulling zombies out of Lake Michigan after a Halloween zombie barge sank off Chicago’s Navy Pier in rough weather. The Zombie Containment, a floating haunted house docked outside Navy Pier, was among the casualties of the rough weather during the “Halloween Howler.” ***At one point a dude named Darryl showed up with a CROSSBOW and started shooting into the lake.

2015: Peter Chandler was seeking strategies on how best to deal with a zombie apocalypse. The Minister for Emergency Services for Australia’s Northern Territory said one of the best methods of avoiding any zombie is using the “zigzag” technique. Chandler reminded constituents not to approach zombies, and if under immediate threat should use the zigzag approach to running away to a zombie safe zone. Chandler added: “Zombies could be seen as serious threat.” ***Wait… there are ZOMBIE SAFE ZONES?!? Sweet!

2015: An Indiana woman was shot in the foot by her dog, Trigger. The woman laid her 12-gauge shotgun on the ground without the safety on during a waterfowl hunt and her chocolate Labrador retriever, Trigger, stepped on top of the shotgun and depressed the trigger. ***Well… the dog’s name was TRIGGER, so…

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

451: The Council of Chalcedon (located in modern Turkey) adjourned. Begun on Oct 8th, its 17 sessions were attended by over 500 bishops, more than participated in any other ancient Church council.

1512: Italian Renaissance artist Michelangelo, 37, unveiled his 5,808_square_foot masterpiece, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican. He had been commissioned in 1508 by Pope Julius II to do a work depicting the whole story of the Bible.

1537: German reformer Martin Luther stated during one of his “Table Talks”: ‘There are many fluent preachers who speak at length but say nothing, who have words without substance.’

1950: Pope Pius XII proclaimed the dogma of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. His Apostolic Constitution “Munificentissimus Deus” taught that, at the end of her earthly life, Jesus’ mother was taken, body and soul, into heaven to be united with the risen Christ.

1963: English linguistic scholar J.R.R. Tolkien wrote in a letter: ‘In the last resort, faith is an act of will, inspired by love.’

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • actress (Muriel’s Wedding, Shaft, The Sixth Sense) Toni Collette 45

  • actress Jenny McCarthy 45

  • voice artist, actor and humorist Darren Marlar (blatant self-plug, feel free to send me gifts!) 49

  • actress (Miriam Grasso on “Murder One”, Fay Furillo on “Hill Street Blues”) Barbara Bosson 78 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1926 : Lou Donaldson

1936 : Zeffrey “Andre” Williams

1937 : “Whispering” Bill Anderson

1940 : SSgt. Barry Sadler

1944 : Chris Morris (Paper Lace)

1944 : Mike Burney (Wizzard)

1945 : Rick Grech (Blind Faith, Traffic)

1950 : Dan Peek (America)

1951 : Ronald Bell (Kool and the Gang)

1957 : Lyle Lovett

1962 : Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

1963 : Rick Allen (Def Leppard)

1966 : Willie D (Geto Boys)

1968 : Alex James (Blur)

1981 : LaTavia Roberson (formerly of Destiny’s Child)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Whatever happened to the kid who played Charlie in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?”

Peter Ostrum, the 13-year-old child actor who so charmingly played Charlie in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) left the film industry after this movie, which was his first and only film appearance. Ostrum later went on to become a veterinarian in New York.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Some new events are currently being considered for upcoming Olympic games. They include poker, foosball, video gaming, and pole dancing.  ***Is it any wonder the Olympics get fewer and fewer viewers every four years?  What’s next – Monopoly?  Hungry-Hungry-Hippo?

A Japanese company created a $150 noise-canceling ramen fork to cover up slurping noises. ***Wait a minute… who makes slurping noises with a FORK?

President Trump raised some eyebrows when he distributed Halloween candy to children of the White House press corps. He expressed shock that the media “produced such beautiful children.” He even commented on the children’s weight while handing Hershey’s Kisses to the young trick-or-treaters, telling them it was ok to take the candy because they didn’t appear to have weight problems. ***Wow – you know you’ve got talent when you can create division and controversy simply by passing out Halloween candy!

Oakland A’s catcher Bruce Maxwell allegedly aimed a gun at a female delivery driver Saturday evening and was arrested for aggravated assault.  ***Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from… OH HECK NO!!!!!

Sea World has announced they’re laying off 350 workers in San Diego and Orlando.  ***Which is incredibly sad for those having to seek employment elsewhere.  I mean, what else are dolphins and killer whales qualified to do?

Now that we’re past Halloween, Americans are actually coming up on a fairly significant anniversary. November 8th will be one year since America elected Donald Trump the president of the United States. And it appears many Americans from coast to coast plan to commemorate the one-year anniversary… by screaming screaming their heads off. Thousands of Facebook users have signed up to attend events in Boston, New York, Miami, Philadelphia, Dallas, Austin and in Bellingham, Washington. The idea is that collectively the protestors will all scream at the same time – and so far, 33,000 have signed up.  Johanna Schulman, who helped organize the Boston event, said, “Coming together reminds us that we are not alone – that we are part of an enormous community of activists who are motivated and angry, whose actions can make a difference.” ***You’re all screaming at the top of your lungs – what kind of difference do you expect that to bring, other than making every single one of you look ridiculously stupid?  But then again, I’m guessing you were that way before – there’s no other explanation for coming up with this idea.

Fifty different Wal-Mart stores will soon have robots roaming the aisles of the stores.  ***Mostly dedicated to asking people not to squeeze the Charmin.  (I’m reaching way back for this one – I know!)

Simon Cowell’s fall down the stairs last week was due to his on-going struggle with low blood pressure. ***I was going to guess his brain couldn’t take anymore mediocre talent auditions and shut down.

It’s hard to separate your kids from their cell phones, but recent research published in the journal Sleep reveals that tweens and teens are doing a lot more texting and talking than their parents realize. In fact, 62% of the kids surveyed admitted to using cell phones even after they’ve gone to bed for the night.  ***Kids aren’t the only ones – I have to go to bed an hour and a half early just so I have enough time to catch up on YouTube and Facebook.

A new survey says that teachers are more stressed than they were two years ago, thanks to school budget cuts, bullying, coarse political discourse and the shaky status of immigrant students. ***That, and students have traded in rebelling with chewing gum for rebelling with bullets.

Ada Keating is 98-years-old and believes one thing most adamantly – you never stop being a mom. She’s moved into a British retirement home so that she can help care for 80-year-old son whom she felt needed more care and support than he was getting. Keating has joined her son, Tom at Moss View care home in Liverpool, where he has been since 2016. Tom never married so they have always lived together and are inseparable, spending time playing games or watching TV. Ada said, “I say goodnight to Tom in his room every night and I’ll go and say good morning to him. I’ll tell him I’m coming down for breakfast. When I go out to the hairdressers he’ll look for me to see when I’m coming back. When I get back he’ll come to me with his arms outstretched and give me a big hug.” Tom adds, “She’s very good at looking after me. Sometimes she’ll say “Behave yourself.” Care home manager Philip Daniels said, “It’s very touching to see the close relationship both Tom and Ada share and we are so pleased we were able to accommodate both of their needs.”  ***Okay, yeah this is sweet… but dude, you are EIGHTY YEARS OLD!  It might be time to cut the cord!!!

Starting next year, Saudi Arabia will begin allowing women into sports stadiums. ***Ah – now it makes sense!  They had to allow them to drive first so they could make money off of them getting into the sports stadiums!

In Texas two guys were hanging out at a third guy’s house. One of the two went to the fridge and helped himself to some pickles. According to a police report the homeowner said he couldn’t afford to feed everyone and not to eat his pickles. The pickle eating friend began yelling and swearing and stormed out. Later he came back, went into the fridge, pulled out the jar of pickles and threw it at his homeowner friend. Police were called and the pickle eating friend was escorted out of the home.  ***Now instead of pickles, he’s in a jam.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

People who smoke take at least 10 years off their life expectancy, according to a study in New England Journal of Medicine.  ***But then, if you’re a smoker, those last ten years would be full of coughing and hacking – so it’s no great loss.

A survey found many of us have said something we regret on a first date. Why? Blame the alcohol. A third of us say something we regret, and one in five end up doing things we wish we hadn’t. ***So if you must drink and date, make sure it’s a virgin daiquiri.

A couple of artists in Europe (Katja Kublitz and Ronnie Yarisal) have created an Anger Release Machine, a vending machine stocked with breakable items like glass plates, porcelain statues, etc. When you put some coins in, the machine dispenses an item, sending it crashing against the bottom of the machine. Then, you feel better.  ***But then you get angry all over again when you’re arrested for polluting and being a public menace by sending shards of glass everywhere.

Two recent studies show Facebook can make you feel socially isolated and miserable because seeing friends’ happy pictures triggers feelings of envy. One in three people feel worse after visiting the site and their ‘general dissatisfaction’ with life decreases. Positive images of friends enjoying holidays, commenting on their happy lives or simply posting pet pictures were enough to trigger feelings of jealousy.  ***And that’s exactly why I POKE those people.

The CDC would like to remind us that kissing our pet chickens can spread salmonella.  ***So brush you teeth before you kiss them so they don’t catch it from you.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was excited about being asked to draw a picture of the Rabbit Family using his brand new crayons. Unfortunately, before he could begin the portrait, he lost every single one of his crayons through a hole in his backpack!

CLOSE: Swimming? How can all of the animals think of swimming while their friend Racquet is in torment because he can’t find his crayons? Perhaps friendship in the jungle only goes crayon-deep? We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
In Benton, Arkansas, Stinson Bailey had city permission to demolish a building, but things went awry.

Anytime a sentence like that appears in a story, you know the outcome is not going to be good, and likely amusing. After getting the proper permits, Stinson began tearing down the buildings. The ‘awry’ part happened when he decided to use fire instead of sledgehammers. This despite a warning from the local fire chief that burning buildings was illegal. The chief was kindly told he was not needed and to return later. Return he did. This time with his employees and a fire truck after the fire had turned into a major blaze. Officers arrested Bailey, who said, “I would’ve been all right if the wind hadn’t changed.”

TOP TEN
TOP TEN REASONS THE AVERAGE CHRISTIAN CAN’T PLAY BASEBALL

10. Doesn’t practice all week, but expects to start on game day.

9. Gets upset when every ball that’s hit doesn’t come directly to him.

8. Never swings at a pitch because, “this pitcher doesn’t throw like the last pitcher. The game’s just not the same since he left.”

7. Wants to run home before going to first base.

6. Chatters in order to keep his own teammates from hitting the ball.

5. Doesn’t come to the game unless the coach personally calls him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.

4. Won’t run after the ball if it’s more than three feet away. After all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later.

3. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his teammates backs.

2. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn’t have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to talk about the catcher.

1. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand will be closed before it’s over.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A bank robber forgets to do one crucial thing after robbing a bank – run away!

FILE #1: Accused bank robber Charles M. Gallaher might have had a better chance of getting away if he’d actually tried to leave the scene of the crime. Instead of running, driving, biking, or even roller-blading off after holding up a bank in Bellingham, WA, Gallaher chose to sit on a planter outside the building and count his haul. The 24-year-old criminal mastermind was found there by a frazzled bank manager soon after the holdup, and the two promptly got into a shouting match over the illicit funds. Police arrived in minutes and arrested the sedentary thief.

FILE #2: A quick thinking store attendant prevented a crime and caught the criminal all at the same time. A man who tried to rob a Dayton, Ohio, liquor store was caught because a clerk was able to slip outside during the robbery attempt and lock the would-be robber inside the store. Police said that the crook was “obviously not a professional.”

FILE #3: A 22-year-old Ohio woman got off easy recently when charged with obstruction of justice. Jamie Vannostran of Akron recently committed the crime when police came to her home looking for the father of her 3 children. He was hiding in the attic of her home, and when asked by the police if he was in her home, she lied to try to keep him from being found. The police found him anyway, arrested him, and her. Her sentence? 15 hours of community service and sentenced to write, “I will not lie to the police” 100 times on a piece of notebook paper.

STRANGE LAW: Apartment dwellers Beware! Especially men! In Switzerland, you can get into serious trouble flushing your toilet after 10pm.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

It’s a court case with a lot of bull.

A Queens woman is suing a New York City restaurant over a mechanical bull accident. Rachel Love claims she was a victim of negligence and “assault and battery” because she was allowed to ride the bull at Johnny Utah’s in Rockefeller Center. The suit contends employees of the Western-themed restaurant shouldn’t have permitted someone who was drunk on the bull. The court papers don’t detail her injuries. In September, a man sued the restaurant over another claimed bucking bull accident. ***MARLAR: She’s the one who got drunk and did something stupid, and it’s the restaurant’s fault?

PHONER PHUN

So, did you find something in your kids’ trick-or-treat bag that you felt you needed to remove?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who tore a lion apart with his bare hands?
ANSWER: Samson (Judges 14:6… “And the spirit of the Lord came upon him in power so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands, as he might have torn a young goat.”)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to a recent study about 25% of men never use what?

ANSWER: Deodorant.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. A single little brown bat can catch 100 mosquitoes-sized insects in just one hour. (False – in just an hour they can catch 1,200! That’s twenty insects a minute!)

2. A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second. (True)

3. An albatross can sleep while it flies. (True – and it apparently dozes while cruising at 25 mph.)

4. An iguana can stay under water for 8 minutes. (False – they can stay under water for 28 minutes!)

5. Beaver teeth are so sharp that Native Americans once used them as knife blades. (True)

6. By feeding hens certain dyes they can be made to lay eggs with varicolored yolks. (True)

7. Certain birds can be frozen solid then thawed and continue living. (False – but some frogs can do it)

8. Cheetahs chirp. (True – it’s much like a bird’s chirp or a dog’s yelp. The sound is so an intense, it can be heard a mile away.)

9. About 10% of the world’s population is left-handed. (True)

10. Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the United States. (True – some 50,000 cases per year. A nine-year study of US cities showed a strong correlation between death rates and periods of significant pollution.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

DINOSAURS PLAYED WITH ________ (MARBLES)

Scientists made a major discovery at an archaeological dig – dinosaurs played with marbles.

A team of crack archaeologists spent a several weeks in Montana searching for dinosaur eggs, but instead of finding eggs, the team found something much bigger:  dinosaur marbles.

Led by Dr. Ashy Larry, the team found conclusive evidence that dinosaurs played with marbles.  ”Many people think that dinosaurs were all business, just stomping around eating everything they could find, but really, they were much more playful animals,” said Dr. Larry.  ”They had a love for games of chance, just like humans.  They played marbles and we can tell from the dig, that they enjoyed it.

Dr. Ashy Larry said that this is the greatest discovery of his career.  ”I’m so excited I can barely breathe,” said Dr. Larry.

The dinosaur marbles that were discovered were multi-colored and smooth.  ”The dinosaurs only played with the best marbles.  These marbles would go for forty or fifty bucks today.  They are top of the line,” said Dr. Larry.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kinds of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

JOKE #2

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: “I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no full – stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”

JOKE #3

A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, “Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”
With a smile the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

USELESS FACTS

The mouth of a jellyfish is also the anus.  ***I’ve got nothing to add to that.

Pregnant ladies, there’s a superstition just for you! According to a superstition in Iceland, a pregnant woman should never drink from a cracked coffee cup. If she does, her baby will be born with a stutter.  ***Then again, the stutter might be caused by the caffeine from the coffee in the mug with the crack.

In 2003 the State Assembly in the California Statehouse passed a resolution that proclaimed the Yellowstone National Park as one of California’s most treasured tourist attractions. ***Yes, Yellowstone is a beautiful park. It’s a national treasure, but one of CALIFORNIA’S most treasured tourist attractions?  Yellowstone is in Wyoming! These guys are passing resolutions about things that don’t even exist in their own state!

FEATURED FUNNIES

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.

“Aw, Dad, it’s okay” the son said.  “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

In Birmingham, Alabama, Jesus Christ was deemed unfit for jury duty. We’re talking about the 59-year-old woman who legally changed her name to Jesus Christ. She was formally Dorothy Lola Killingworth and was sent to Judge Clyde Jones’s courtroom for a criminal case. However she was excused because she was reportedly disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them. Court administrator Sandra Turner said people there were shocked when the woman insisted her name was Jesus Christ and some potential jurors laughed out loud when her name was called.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE CRACKED POT

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots was perfectly made and never leaked. The other pot had a crack in it and by the time the water bearer reached his master’s house it had leaked much of it’s water and was only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.” “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?” “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”
Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, God will use our flaws to grace his table. In God’s great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.
Author Unknown

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A BAD HABIT

They tempted the Lord, saying, “Is the Lord among us or not?” —Exodus 17:7

Most people have a bad habit or two. Some habits are just irritating, such as talking too much or too fast. Others are much more serious.

Consider, for example, the bad habit developed by the people of ancient Israel. They had just been delivered from slavery (Exodus 14:30), and they ought to have been thankful. Instead, they started to complain to Moses and Aaron, “Oh, that we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt!” (16:3).

We read in Exodus 17 that their complaining escalated into a quarrel. In reality, their complaint was with God, but they picked a fight with Moses because he was the leader. They said, “Why is it you have brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our livestock with thirst?” (v.3). The people even began questioning if God was really with them (v.7). Yet He always met their needs.

If we’re honest, we would have to admit that we sometimes complain when God isn’t coming through for us the way we want. We accuse Him of being absent or disinterested. But when our heart is concerned with God’s purposes rather than our own, we will be patient and trust Him to provide all that we need. Then we won’t develop the bad habit of complaining. —Albert Lee

LEFTOVERS

DOG CPR
This story is both horrible and wonderful… and it involves a dog.

In Zevenaar, Holland, an 18-month-old French Mastiff fell from a balcony and basically hung himself as he remained dangling from his collar and leash until neighbors and bystanders finally noticed. They cut the poor dog loose but he was unconscious and had stopped breathing. They first tried heart massage but that did nothing. That’s when one of the neighbors closed the dog’s mouth and began breathing air into his nose. The dog miraculously came to and was taken immediately to an area vet. He’s now fully recovered! ***MARLAR: The man who saved the dog’s life was immediately offered a job on Michael Vick’s staff.

LIFE… LIVE IT

TOP FIVE GERMIEST LOCATIONS IN YOUR DAY

There is an estimated five nonillion (5×10 to the power of 30) bacteria alive and thriving on the Earth today.   Top 5 “germiest” locations:

  • Public Magazines.  Grime factor: Hand sanitizer will do the trick.  Cold and flu viruses can survive on dry surfaces for upward of 48 hours, while some bacteria, such as E. coli, can survive on dry surfaces for months on end.

  • Office Keyboards.  Grime factor: Hand sanitizer will do the trick.  A study by UK consumer group tested 33 office keyboards for microbial contamination. The result: Several office keyboards were labeled “health hazardous,” while one particular keyboard was found to be carrying five times as many germs as the same office’s public toilet seats. That’s a germ cesspool if ever there was one.  Oh, and you can lump your mobile phone in with your office keyboard as well… same disgusting stuff happening there.

  • The Gym.  Grime factor: Vigorous hand washing with soap and hot water . A 2006 study in the Clinical Journal of Sport Medicine found the cold virus on 73% of weight-lifting equipment and on 51% of aerobic equipment.

  • Shopping Carts.  A 2006 study out of the University of Arizona found two-thirds of shopping cart handles to be contaminated with bacteria, including E. coli and salmonella, more so than public toilet seats. The culprit: Diapered infants.

  • Subway Poles.  Due to sheer commuter volume alone, subway poles are a prime source of disease transmission.

JUST FOR FUN

LEMONY FRESH

Shanghai wants to improve its image, and that means no more doing laundry in the streets.

Shanghai wants to look spiffy, so it’s made it illegal to dry laundry along busy streets. They see this as nothing more than an eyesore, but Shanghai residents are upset, because they’ve already been banned from drying their clothes on several main roads. One 28-year-old resident said, “Of course we have to hang our laundry out in the streets to dry — where else can we get enough sunlight?” ***MARLAR: And where else could they get that fresh carbon monoxide smell?

FUN LIST

LIFE’S REALITIES ARE FUNNY

  1. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

  2. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

  3. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

  4. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

  5. One of the life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

  6. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

  7. If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

  8. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

  9. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

  10. Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

  11. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

  12. Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

  13. Life doesn’t just begin at forty; it also begins to show.

  14. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

  15. You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

  16. I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

  17. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

  18. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

  19. Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.

  20. The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

  21. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

  22. Can it be a mistake that “STRESSED” is “DESSERTS” spelled backwards?

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

How much would you pay for a nap?

Nicholas Ronco started a Manhattan business called Yelo that sells naps. Customers step inside a soundproof YeloCab, a cozy cabin engineered for maximum tranquility, to sleep. Yelo opened in February 2007. Since then, more than 4,000 nappers have stopped in. Clientele ranges from corporate executives to “disco nappers” who stop by on Saturday afternoons to rev up before a hard night on the town. A snooze at Yelo costs $15 for 20 minutes. A 40-minute nap will set you back $28. In its first year, the nap shop booked revenue of $400,000; for next year, Ronco projects sales of $1.3 million.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Brooke Amelia Peterson just got her dad fired from Apple where he used to work as an engineer. Seems she posted a YouTube video of the top-secret iPhone X. It went viral and her dad lost his job. In a teary mea culpa, Peterson confirms the firing and says her father takes “full responsibility for the one rule that he broke.” On a visit to Apple’s HQ in Cupertino, Calif., Peterson shot the video showing her dad’s phone in Caffe Macs – the swanky employee cafeteria. She says, “I made this little innocent video that was just supposed to be a fun memory.” She did take the video down immediately at Apple’s request – but it wasn’t fast enough to stop it from triggering a sensation. Peterson says she’s most upset by the insults that followed her first viral video adding, “Hate on me all you want, but please don’t hate on my father.” She calls him the most honest, most loving, most caring dad.” ***Yep.  One bad apple spoils the bunch.

Fidgeters are more likely to live longer than those who sit still for long stretches, because folks who spend too much time watching TV or working on a computer raise their risk of deadly conditions like strokes and heart disease, say doctors. But there is still hope for the sedentary types simple activities like walking and stretching your legs, if only for a couple of minutes, can easily counteract the effects. “People ware watching television for up to four hours a day and spending 60 to 70 percent of their time being sedentary because of our occupations,” says Dr. Wilby Williamson, an expert in sports medicine. “Reducing sitting time makes us better at breaking down sugars and fats, which can help reduce conditions like diabetes and cardiovascular disease.”

Even the most loving couples in the healthiest of relationships will argue occasionally, but what they argue about can actually predict their risk of divorce. And the top predictor by far is not disputes about intimacy, children or the in-laws. It’s money. Sonya Britt, assistant professor of family studies and human services and program director of personal financial planning at Kansas State University, analyzed data from more than 4,500 couples, all of whom were part of the National Survey of Families and Households. Even after controlling for family income, debt and net worth, Britt says, “Results revealed it didn’t matter how much you made or how much you were worth. Arguments about money are the top predictor for divorce because it happens at all levels.” Because such arguments are so intense, it takes longer to recover from them than arguments on any other topic. When arguing about money, couples often use harsher language with each other, and the disagreement lasts longer.

It has long been known that when you skimp on sleep, you’re far more likely to overeat, make poor food choices and gain weight. But why? Researchers from the University of Chicago Medical Center have figured it. The short answer: Too little sleep gives you the munchies. The long answer: Sleep loss amplifies and extends blood levels of a chemical signal that enhances the joy of eating, particularly the guilty pleasures gained from sweet or salty, high-fat snack foods. Fourteen sleep-deprived participants in this study, all of whom were young, healthy volunteers, were unable to resist cookies, candy and chips — even though they had consumed a meal that supplied 90 percent of their daily caloric needs two hours before. The effects of sleep loss on appetite were most powerful in the late afternoon and early evening, times when snacking has been linked to weight gain. The takeaway: When you get less than five hours of sleep, it will likely result in binge-eating the next day to the tune of an extra 300 calories. If you do this repeatedly, you will gain significant weight.

If you want to keep your memory well into old age, read a book now. It doesn’t have to be great literature. Mysteries, chick-lit or science fiction will suffice just fine. That’s the word from researchers at the Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, who have concluded that when people of any age read books, write or participate in other brain-stimulating activities, it may preserve memory. Specifically, the study found that the rate of decline was reduced by 32 percent in people with frequent mental activity in late life, compared with people with average mental activity. Meanwhile, the rate of decline of those with infrequent activity was 48 percent faster than those with average activity.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven played music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well. –Martin Luther King, Jr.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 27, 2017…

Professor Marston and The Wonder Women—Well, you think, here is the story of  “Wonder Woman.” It really is and it really isn’t.  Professor William Marston (Luke Evans) is a psychologist during WWII and married to Rebecca Hall.  They have a secret, they both love Bella Heathcote. Women’s liberation isn’t in the forefront at this time, so everything is kept a secret. Marston creates a character who is a woman, a warrior, free to choose what she wants to do in society. Thus, “Wonder Woman” is born. Marston didn’t use his own name with “Wonder Woman,” he had the pen name of Charles Moulton. A lot has happened in society since the 1940’s, and “Wonder Woman” endures, even in 2017, having a top box office film of her own. “Professor Marston and The Woman Women” is rated R. No rating..

Suburbicon— Matt Damon stars in this film that has a bit of dark humor in it, though a thriller. The story concerns a home invasion that may not be all that it is cracked up to be.  Damon is married to Julianne Moore here, and something suspicious is going on about the whole “invasion” thing. Oscar Isaacs is an insurance investigator on the case.  Hmm. George Clooney directs this film. “Suburbicon” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Thank You For Your Service—Based on the non-fiction book of the same title by David Finkel, the topic is post-traumatic stress syndrome and how it effects three soldiers and their families when they return from duty in Iraq. Stars Miles Teller, Amy Schumer and Joe Cole. “Thank You For Your Service” is rated R. No rating.

The Killing Of A Sacred Deer—A film about a youth in trouble, who has a heart surgeon (Colin Farrell) befriend him. Colin is married to Nicole Kidman and this film is a bit of a thriller that was a hit at the Toronto Film Festival. The teen boy is played by newcomer Barry Keoghan. Problems arise when you bring strangers into the house. “The Killing Of A Sacred Deer” is rated R. No rating.

The Square (opening in select cities)—This is a Swedish film, a bit of drama and satire. The plot concerns what happens when the Palace is converted into an  art museum, and the director loses his equipment just as the Opening is almost ready. The film stars Elisabeth Moss (“The Handmaid’s Tale”) and Dominic West. “The Square” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Jigsaw—Guess what? It is close to Halloween and another “Jigsaw” film about people being tortured. This one is about 10 years after the last film and the character of Jigsaw is supposed to be dead. This is what they tell us on soap operas and they always reappear again, so who knows what happens here?  The hapless cast includes Matt Passmore, Callum Keith Rennie, Cle Bennett and Laura Vandervoot. “Jigsaw” is rated R and is an adult film. No rating.

NOVEMBER 03, 2017…

Last Flag Flying concerns the funeral of the son of a war veteran. Stars Steve Carell.

A Bad Mom’s Christmas is yet another film for Mom’s who want a night out. Stars Kirsten Bell.

Thor: Ragnarok, oh, and here come Chris Hemsworth swinging that mighty hammer and Loki, played by the elegant Tom Hiddleston.

LBJ stars Woody Harrelson as President Lyndon Baines Johnson as he begins his presidency.

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