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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161102
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Wow – time for another show already? My how time flies when you spend all day trying to think of something witty and amusing to say at the beginning of your show.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. –Romans 8:6-8
For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves. –Colossians 1:13
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. — 2 Timothy 3:16-17
I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward. — Mark 9:41
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Blessings crown the head of the righteous, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked. — Proverbs 10:6
Thought: Jesus told Peter, “Those who live by the sword will die by the sword.” Violence begets violence and rarely does a violent person not have to taste the bitter repayment of violence. God’s Wise Man is saying essentially the same thing in this verse, but with one key addition. Blessings come to the person who is righteous. We reap what we sow!
Prayer: Holy God, please bless me with righteousness — not just by your grace and mercy, but by the transformation of my heart by your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name I ask it. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
Isaiah 11:2 NIV = The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him… the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the Lord…
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – NOVEMBER 02, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 54 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today IS DEVILED EGG DAY. ***Which begs the question, can you eat deviled eggs and still consider yourself a good Christian?
Today is PLAN YOUR EPITAPH DAY. ***Because a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death. Some quick examples from GoodQuotes.com:
She did it the hard way. – Bette Davis
…that nothing’s so sacred as honor and nothing’s so loyal as love. – Wyatt Earp
The passive master lent his hand, To the vast Soul which o’er him planned. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“That’s All Folks!” – The Man of a Thousand Voices, Mel Blanc
The Body of B. Franklin, Printer, Like the Cover of an old Book, Its Contents turn out, And Stript of its Lettering & Guilding, Lies here. Food for Worms. For, it will as he believed, appear once more in a new and more elegant Edition, corrected and improved by the Author. – Benjamin Franklin
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
All Souls Day
National Traffic Professionals Day
Plan Your Epitaph Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 03
Public Television Day
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 04
National Chicken Lady Day
National Candy Day
Use Your Common Sense Day
National Medical Science Liaison Awareness & Appreciation Day
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 05
Digital Scrapbooking Day
National Love Your Red Hair Day
Pumpkin Destruction Day
Sausage and Kraut Day
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 06
Daylight Saving Time Ends @2:00am (turn clocks back 1 hour)
International Day for Preventing the Exploitation of the Environment in War and Armed Conflict
Zero Tasking Day
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 07
Fill Our Staplers Day
International Merlot Day
Job Action Day
National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 08
Abet and Aid Punsters Day
Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day
National Parents as Teachers Day
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 09
World Freedom Day
ON THIS DAY
1920: On November 2, KDKA Radio in Pittsburgh signed on the air with news of Warren Harding’s election as president of the United States — it was the birth of commercial broadcasting as Dr. Frank Conrad’s station started regular programming. ***And we’ve been inundated with political ads ever since.
1947: This was the day in that Howard Hughes flew his mammoth flying boat, the “Spruce Goose,” for the first and only time — the 200-ton wooden airplane gained an altitude of some 70 feet over a one mile distance above Long Beach Harbor. ***Very useful for scaring the neighbors, but that’s about it.
1959: In New York, Montreal Canadians goalie Jacques Plante became the first NHL goalie to wear a mask on a permanent basis after getting hit by a shot from Rangers’ Andy Bathgate. ***Have you seen what a hockey puck can do to your face? Even if you decided to quit hockey, after something like that you’d STILL want to wear a mask just so you wouldn’t frighten your children!
1959: Game show contestant Charles Van Doren admitted to a House subcommittee that he had been given questions and answers in advance when he appeared on the NBC-TV program “Twenty-One.” ***The answer, by the way, to the question of life, the universe, and everything is “42”.
1988: A Cornell University graduate student unleashed a computer “worm” that began reproducing and clogging thousands of computers around the country. ***It was called “Windows”.
1996: Louisville, Kentucky, police released two Chicago men of Palestinian descent from jail when the white powder found in their car turned out to be dried yogurt, which is common in Middle East countries. The men had told police for two days that’s what it was.
1997: Ashlyn and Lacey McCleve, 4-year-old and 7-year-old sisters from Gilbert, Arizona, were chosen as the newest Oscar Mayer wieners in a nationwide contest to find children to sing the bologna song. The girls also shared the top prize, a $20-thousand college scholarship. ***A wiener scholarship… I’ll bet that looked good on the ole’ college transcripts.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1164: Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Becket, 45, began a six-year self-imposed exile in France. Once a close friend of England’s Henry II, Thomas had more recently become an outspoken opponent of the king’s royal policies.
1600: Staunch Anglican theologian Richard Hooker died at 46. His last words were: ‘God hath my daily petitions, for I am at peace with all men, and He is at peace with me… and this witness makes the thoughts of death joyful.’
1789: During the chaos of the French Revolution, the property of the Church in France was taken over by the state.
1830: A general convention of Methodist reformers opposed to the episcopal (i.e., bishop-led) form of church government met in Baltimore, MD, to establish the Protestant Methodist Church.
1917: British foreign secretary Arthur J. Balfour, 69, issued the Balfour Declaration, calling for “establishment in Palestine of a national home for the Jewish people.” The document’s recognition of a Jewish nationalism planted the seed which in 1948 led to an establishment of the modern state of Israel.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
Actress (The Forgotten, Radio) Alfre Woodard, 62
Announcer (“Let’s get ready to rumble!”) Michael Buffer, 71
Actress (“Hart to Hart”) Stephanie Powers, 73 (audio clip)
Political commentator Pat Buchanan, 77
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1926 : Charlie Walker
1937 : Earl “Speedoo” Carroll (The Cadillacs, The Coasters)
1938 : Jay Black (Jay and the Americans)
1941 : Bruce Welch (The Shadows)
1941 : Brian Poole (The Tremoloes)
1944 : Keith Emerson (The Nice, Emerson, Lake & Palmer)
1945 : J.D. Souther
1946 : Len “Chip” Hawkes (The Tremoloes)
1947 : Dave Pegg (Jethro Tull, Fairport Convention)
1952 : Maxine Nightengale
1957 : Carter Beauford (The Dave Matthews Band)
1961 : k.d. lang
1963 : Bobby Dall (Poison)
1969 : Reginald Arvizu (KoRn)
1971 : John Hampson (Nine Days)
1978 : Nelly
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Is “The Big Bang” the best theory?
The beliefs that humans have entertained about the universe for most of history are radically different from the views held by most scientists today. The epic discoveries of Newton on gravity, Galileo on the planets, Copernicus on the place of the earth in the solar system, Tycho Brahe on the planetary orbits, and others have revolutionized our view of cosmology. Even the knowledge discovered in the last century alone has drastically changed our worldview. Computers, improved telescopes, and new research techniques that allow us to view more of the universe in greater detail than ever before have revealed one surprise after another.
Currently, the most widely accepted hypothesis of the universe’s origin (and everything in it) is a theory called the Big Bang. This view hypothesizes that the Big Bang was an explosion of “space itself”—a concept difficult to understand partly because most people think of an explosion as the expansion of a material substance in space. Today, instead of “explosion” the preferred term is “expansion,” although many people, including many scientists who are not astronomers, think of it as an explosion of matter only. Terminology aside, the Big Bang is the “creation myth that has dominated cosmology since the 1960s.”
In popular-science journals and scholarly papers alike, the Big Bang is almost universally spoken of as established fact, even though much controversy still exists about the theory among scientists and others.
(From Answers in Genesis)
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Tobymac didn’t let a little thing like 43 degree temperatures keep him off the golf course. He posted: I couldn’t handle just looking at it. When the clubs are under the bus, it’s go time when it’s this beautiful. https://twitter.com/officialtobymac/status/792851313008730112/photo/1
Ryan Stevenson was in the eye of the storm this weekend. He posted a picture Sunday morning and said this is what a blown tire on your tour bus looks like. He added that it wasn’t just one tire. Ryan said: twice in the same morning, same tire both times. He added: it’s going to be a long day. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMMVcpAD67A/
Jeremy Camp didn’t let a little thing like a broken sound system stop him from having a great night of worship. One fan posted: the spirit was moving and didn’t need it anyway.
The European leg of Skillet’s Unleashed Tour kicks off this weekend. In celebration of the tour, the members of the band have released a new podcast on YouTube! https://bit.ly/2eUXyIN
In the third chapter of their “What Do You Kids Want to Know About Now?” series, the NeedToBreathe takes fans behind-the-scenes of facing bad weather while playing an outdoor concert in Salt Lake City. According to People Magazine, the rain and wind made it impossible to complete their set, but NeedToBreathe made it up to fans by playing not one, but two impromptu acoustic sets. http://peoplem.ag/Rpb3zpa
Chris from Rend Collective shared his campfire story over the weekend. On the bands YouTube channel He talked about how broken bones and broken dreams ultimately led him to meeting Jesus. Chris says “I guess my story is about how God took a broken dream and made it into something so much better.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XHDrx8nZXY&feature=youtu.be
Did you miss out on lunch with Switchfoot this past Friday? The band is bringing back the feature each Friday. It started on the 28th but if you missed it you can now go back and watch it online, and you don’t even have to watch it during lunch. https://www.facebook.com/switchfoot/videos/10155379376081679/
Canadian Native Paul Baloche recently sat down with 100 Huntley Street to talk about his latest worship album. The album is titled Your Mercy. Here Paul’s thoughts at http://100huntley.com/watch?id=224309&title=catching-up-with-paul-baloche
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email email@example.com for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Lady Gaga is set to headline the Super Bowl halftime show on February 5th in Houston. ***Unless Trump is elected President, at which point she may have already moved to Canada.
Bees are now on the list of endangered species. Seven types of bees once found in abundance in Hawaii became the first bees to be added to the federal list of endangered and threatened species. The report from the U.S. wildlife managers says the listing decision classifies seven varieties of yellow-faced or masked bees as endangered, due to such factors as habitat loss, wildfires and the invasion of nonnative plants and insects. The bees, so named for yellow-to-white facial markings, once crowded Hawaii and Maui but recent surveys found their populations have plunged. ***All we are saying is give bees a chance.
A study conducted at Disney World found that riding roller coasters may help people pass kidney stones with far less pain and no need for surgery. Researchers from Michigan State University carried out the study by riding the park’s Big Thunder Mountain Railroad coaster with a model of a kidney that contained three stones. According to the results, the kidney stones passed nearly 70 percent of the time. ***So you could actually have a doctor’s note to give to your boss! “Hey, boss – I hate to take tomorrow off, but the doctor says I gotta go to Disneyland for a kidney operation!”
If you want to earn more money, you might start by taking a critical look at what happens when you stand on the bathroom scale. Men, you should gain weight. Women, you need to lose it. Why? The highest paid employees are heavy men and thin women. That’s the word from a University of Florida study of 20,000 German and American workers that concluded women who weigh 25 pounds more than the group norm, make $14,000 less than their average-size colleagues. Women who weigh 25 pounds less than the group norm, make $16,000 more than their average-sized colleagues. Men who are considered thin make $9,000 less than their colleagues of average weight. for men, their paychecks increase with their weight — all the way to obesity. ***Oh yeah… well then… why am I not independently wealthy?
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
The National Eye Institute says half of all Americans have some sort of vision problem. The Institute analyzed data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey on 12,000 people aged 20 and older. More than 33% were nearsighted and 36% has astigmatism. Another 3.6% were farsighted. ***At least, I think that’s what the study said – I didn’t have my reading glasses.
You know all the times that men complain about women talking too much? Apparently there’s a biological explanation for the reason why women are chattier than men. Scientists have discovered that women possess higher levels of a “language protein” in their brains, which could explain why females are so talkative. Previous research has shown that women talk almost three times as much as men. In fact, an average woman notches up 20,000 words in a day, which is about 13,000 more than the average man. In addition, women generally speak more quickly and devote more brainpower to speaking. Yet before now, researchers haven’t been able to biologically explain why this is the case. Now, they can. New findings show that a certain protein may be the culprit. ***So, women talk so much because of a language protein? That’s it – my wife is going vegan whether she wants to or not.
A recent study finds that breaking wind while one is flying is healthy and recommended. AFP reports that Danish gastroenterologist Jacob Rosenberg got the idea for the study after dealing with flatulence from several passengers during a flight from Copenhagen to Tokyo. ***Hopefully the TSA will now allow passengers to bring gas masks onboard.
A study commissioned by Zipcar, the car-sharing service, says Millennials would be more devastated if they parted with their smartphone than if they had to ditch their car. ***Which makes sense. I mean, have you tried updating your Twitter using a gear shift?
WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Olives”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Umbilical Cord”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
Last time, Racquet the Skunk agreed to make a brand new badminton racquet for Gruffy Bear – who then bragged about it to Nozzles the Elephant and Sully the Aardvark. Gruffy also mentioned that he was getting it on trade for a hammer… and that gave Nozzles and Sully the same idea…
CLOSE: Sounds like Racquet’s “new and improved” racquet isn’t “improved” at all! And it’s just so he can get rich off his friends! Will the other animals find out about his scheme? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 05/06
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…
CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
May I have your attention please? If you plan on robbing a bank, please call in advance to make your reservation… thank you.
A Des Moines Iowa woman is suing a bank for not knowing that it was going to be robbed, resulting in her being put in danger during the armed heist. She says she is suffering ”mental and/or emotional distress” as well as injuries from an assault by one of the robbers. ***MARLAR: Let’s recap, shall we? She’s suing because the bank didn’t know it was going to be robbed. If you follow that logic, the bank should be able to counter-sue because the woman did not let them know that she was going to be assaulted! See – everyone can win!
TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your computer terminal
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you’ll receive a reply one day from a company you’ll never do business with anyway
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you’d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome
9) See smoke arising from your computer
10) All of the above
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Yet another criminal forgets to run away after committing a crime! What kind of disease is this that’s spreading through the criminal element, and can we synthesize it?
FILE #1: While it’s not usually a good idea to return to the scene of the crime, it’s an even bigger mistake to never leave. Jason Street and Chad Gilmer broke into a business and stole about 40 bucks in cash, a flashlight and some soft drinks and then left. They just didn’t go far enough. They walked across the street to their car, got inside, counted their money, drank their sodas and promptly fell asleep. Police answering the burglary call rousted them from their little nap and took them to jail.
FILE #2: You would think that when 48 year old Noel Miller recently escaped from Cornell Correctional Institute in San Francisco, that he would “lay low” for some time. Instead the fugitive, who had been serving a 9-year sentence for bank robbery, went to New Orleans where he robbed the “Omni Bank” and 2 days later knocked off the “St. Rose Bank”! The sad part was that he would have gotten away with it had he not had to hail a cab as getaway vehicle in both instances. The second time a witness followed his cab and notified police.
FILE #3: A Chinese restaurant is accusing a Florida man of taking advantage of their “all you can eat” buffet. An argument ensued at the China Dragon restaurant in Holiday, Florida, after Bob Middleton proceeded to take multiple trips (between 5 to 7, with more than one plate each time) to the $9.95 buffet. Other patrons began to complain when Bob kept eating all the snow crabs. The waitress dropped a big hint by giving him the bill. Not to be denied, Middleton went back for more. The waitress then came back with a new bill — charging him $10 more for eating so many snow crabs. Middleton refused to pay the extra $10 and a heated argument began that ended with a visit from the police. After hearing both sides of the story, the officer said the restaurant couldn’t charge Middleton extra for his eating habits. “I didn’t get this gut by being a vegetarian”, said the 265 pound Middleton.
STRANGE LAW: If you are a pedestrian trying to cross a highway at night in Indiana, you are required by law to wear a taillight.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
One group of trick-or-treaters got a lot more than they bargained for!
In Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada, a trio of young trick-or-treaters was left a little dumbfounded Halloween night when a neighborhood house began handing out cans of beer instead of candy. Dave Kozicki said his nine-year-old son and two friends were nearing the end of their route Halloween night when a man, apparently drunk, tossed the unwanted treats into their bags and told them not to come back. The cops were called and they charged the 53-year-old man with distributing alcohol to minors.
Today is “Plan Your Epitaph Day.” So do it – what would you want written on your headstone for the rest of eternity? Would it be inspirational? Humorous?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: By what other name is the Salt Sea (the Dead Sea) known in the Old Testament?
ANSWER: The Sea of Arabah (Deuteronomy 3:17)
QUESTION: Which of your ears is better at processing music?
ANSWER: The left ear. (Doctors have always assumed that both human ears were basically the same. But a UCLA study of babies may change a lot of assumptions about the way the brain works, because it found that the right ear is better at picking up speech-like sounds, while the left ear is better at processing music.)
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The first American satellite in orbit was not the Explorer 1, but the Explorer 2. (False – it was Explorer 1, launched February 1, 1958.)
2. The first man-made object to circle the earth was Sputnik 1. (True – launched in 1957.)
3. The International Space Station is only about the size of a small house. (False – it weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as a football field.)
4. A tiger’s paw prints are called pug marks. (True – a tiger’s forefeet have five toes and the hind feet have four toes. All toes have claws. The claws are 80 to 100 mm in length.)
5. Texas has 154 counties. (False – it has 254 counties. Alaska, which is more than twice as large, hasn’t any counties.)
6. A horseshoe for a full-grown Clydesdale measures more that 42 inches from end to end. (False – it measures about 22 inches from end to end and weighs about five pounds. It is more than two times as long and four times as heavy as a shoe worn by a riding horse.)
7. In 1935, the police in Atlantic City, New Jersey, arrested 42 men on the beach for topless bathing. (True)
8. Russian money used to be made of tea leaves. (False – it used to be made of leather until the 17th century., Tea money in China.)
9. Canada is the largest country in the world. (False – it’s the second-largest country in the world after Russia. Nearly 90 percent of the Canada’s population is concentrated within 100 miles of the United States/Canada border.)
10. The surface temperature of a neutron star is about 1.8 million degrees Fahrenheit. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
WILD ______ TAKE ATLANTA! (HOGS)
Wild hogs are roaming loose in Atlanta… and residents are running for their lives!
Wild hogs are scaring residents of Atlanta.
Some parents fear sending their children to a school bus stop, where up to four hundred of the hogs are roaming the streets and eating trash, attacking people.
Authorities hope the hogs can be trapped in cages by next week, but they may need to have help from the National Guard.
“They’re causing mayhem and terror,” said one Atlanta resident as she headed out to work in downtown Atlanta.
The Atlanta Police Department’s animal control officers are working on a plan to capture the animals, but two of the officers were already hospitalized after trying to capture just one.
“My children are petrified,” said another Atlanta resident “I have little ones that get on the bus at 6:40 in the morning,” she added. “So, I’m sorry. I’m not built to fight off wildlife.”
The hogs are extremely dangerous if they are cornered, said Harry Forston, a deer and feral hog biologist with the Georgia Department of Natural Resources.
“If they feel threatened, they can bite and kill,” he said.
A sow protecting piglets can also be dangerous, much like a bear protecting her cubs.
Feral hogs live in just about every county in Georgia. The animals in Georgia are “a hodge-podge” of domestic pigs that escaped from their pens and hogs that have been living in the wild for years.
In the early 1900s, several animals escaped from their enclosures at a hunting preserve at a mountain known as Hooper Bald in North Carolina, and they mated with feral hogs in the surrounding area. That population then spread into other areas of the Southeast, including Georgia, according to research done by Dr. Jack Mayer of the Savannah River National Laboratory in Aiken, S.C.s.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after having surgery, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, “You’re beautiful.”
He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”
“What happened to beautiful?” she asked him.
“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.
Frantically, the cook began to look around. “Where did my CORNBREAD go?” he shouted.
A little boy was given a five-dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn’t put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor’s hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor.
The pastor asked him, “Why are you giving me this money? Why didn’t you put it in the offering plate?”
And the boy answered, “Because my mommy told me you’re the poorest pastor we’ve ever had!”
The chances of dying by laughter are 15 billion to 1. ***And if you’re listening to my show you’re not at any risk at all.
The Preventive Medicine Society of China reports that 60 percent of people in rural areas of the country have never brushed their teeth. ***Here’s the strange thing… I checked it out this morning; my toothbrush is stamped “Made in China.”
Astronomers say there is a chance that Earth will survive being swallowed by the Sun when it burns out and explodes in five billion years. ***Which is good news, because I opted for the lifetime warranty on my new solar-powered calculator.
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
An electricity company has been sued in court because it LOWERED its rates!
A German electrical utility company has been forced by the courts to pay compensation just because it was nice to its customers! The bosses at BEWAG (the name of the electrical company) thought that it’d be a great idea to drop the prices for their electric services by one-third – figuring it’d make all of their customers very happy. And it did… all except one. An unnamed customer of the utility company decided to sue, figuring that, if the company could afford to drop prices, it meant that they had been overcharging for all of those years previous! And in Germany, that’s against the law for utility companies. The law says that state electricity must be sold as cheaply as possible. So he took BEWAG to court… and won. ***MARLAR: In order to pay the claimant, BEWAG said they’d be raising electricity rates.
The power of sacrificial giving is revealed in 2 Corinthians 9:6-11.
First, God will measure back to you with the same measuring device you use when giving to Him (v. 6).
Second, God is looking for a heart attitude that is free, spontaneous, and cheerful in giving (v. 7).
Third, God has the power to resupply your resources to such a point that you will always have enough to give to any worthy project (v. 8).
Fourth, God will remember for eternity what you scatter abroad (v. 9).
Fifth, if you have a sower’s heart and are faithful, God will give you more and more seed to plant (v. 10).
Finally, God will prosper you financially so you can become a resource for building His kingdom in the earth (v. 11).
How many people fail to start down God’s road of blessing because they sow sparingly? Step through the gate of hilarious, generous, spontaneous giving and watch God supply you with more seed to sow than you ever dreamed possible. He is looking for channels through which He can bless the world!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
“For they all saw Him and were troubled. But immediately He talked with them and said to them, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.” –Mark 6:50
Ever thought of yourself as a cheerleader? How would you look in a short skirt! One guy in high school decided to run for the position and was elected by a landslide – all the guys voted for him as a novelty. He only lasted one year, but it was an exciting year!
Jesus was a cheerleader. Five or six times he tells us to “be of good cheer.” In the case of today’s verse, He is encouraging a frightened group of fishermen friends. They are fighting a fierce storm and see a figure walking on the water. What would you think if you saw someone walking on water in the middle of a very stormy, very deep lake? You would be frightened just like the twelve were. They needed a cheerleader.
Perhaps you need a good cheerleader today. “Be of good cheer!” Jesus is near and He will help you through the difficulty you are facing. Turn to Him and He will lift you up. Perhaps you know someone who needs a cheerleader. You can be that for them. Sometimes all it takes is a kind word and a quick hug. Other times require more time and effort. In either case, your Cheerleader, Jesus, will help you be the cheerleader for that individual. All you have to do is follow Him.
Teachers’ high standards, not false praise, improve students’ grades.
According to new psychology research from the University of Texas at Austin, students who received notes expressing the teachers high expectations scored better on writing assignments. The report in Breaking Christian News says the latest studies contradict a common trend in education of praising students for mediocre work.
LIFE… LIVE IT
SIGNS YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED AT SCHOOL
(shine.yahoo.com) The National Youth Violence Prevention Network recently reported that 5.7 million students are involved in bullying— as the victim, perpetrator, or both. More often than not, kids hide being bullied out of shame, so it is important to watch for behavioral changes. Here are six key signs, outlined by the Department of Health and Human Services, your child may be the victim of harassment and intimidation.
- Loss of Interest in School: A sharp decline in grades coupled with a sudden disinterest in school can be a tell-tale sign of your child suffering at the hands of a bully. Similarly, if your kid seems distracted and eager to change the subject when you bring up his or her school day, it could be an indication of something more serious. Try to get your child to open up by doing a fun one-on-one activity with him or her and ask questions in a gentle manner. In other words, don’t give the third degree.
- Inconsistent Eating and Sleeping Patterns: Many victims of bullying exhibit loss of appetite or engage in binge eating to cope with the harassment. Anxiety over the torment can cause nightmares or insomnia. Excessive sleeping can also be a clue to underlying problems. Talk to your child, speak with school administrators, and if need be, meet with a physician before the problem manifests into something worse.
- Fear or Anxiety of Going to School: If your child avoids riding the bus, is scared of walking to and from school, or takes a long, out-of-the-way route to class, find out what or who is behind it by talking to school officials, cross-walk guards, or the bus driver.
- Unexplained Cuts and Bruises: Kids are notorious for getting into all sorts of mishaps. But when bruises or cuts are unaccounted for or are routinely brushed off as “accidents,” you should investigate the causes without hesitation.
- Damaged or Missing Belongings: Again, children are prone to accidents. But if you notice a pattern of torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings, you should definitely look into the reason why. Also, if your child is constantly losing his or her lunch (or lunch money), there may be more to it than absent-mindedness. Get to the root of the matter, and consider labeling your child’s belongings to help prove the property is, in fact, your child’s.
- Frequent Health Complaints and Requests to Stay Home: If your child frequently complains about headaches and stomachaches and asks to stay home, you should look into whether they’re phantom claims or legitimate illnesses. It’s not uncommon for anxiety and psychological anguish over the harassment and intimidation to lead to very real physical ailments. Speak to your child’s teacher, guidance counselor, or the family physician if the complaints persist.
JUST FOR FUN
SOUP IS ON
A Utah resident had a great idea to hide their valuables — put them in a fake soup can and seal it. Turns out that wasn’t the best plan.
The problem was that they accidentally gave the soup can to a food drive. Now the Utah Food Bank is searching for the donor of the fake can so they can return its valuable contents. Worker Richard Bohmhold said he didn’t notice any difference in the can’s appearance or weight when he was sorting items for a senior citizens meal program, except in sound. He figured the can had been damaged and its contents leaked out, so he submitted the suspect item to his supervisor. When they opened the can they found $7,000 in gold chains, pearls and other gems. The food bank has no idea when the can came in and have turned over its contents to the police for safekeeping. ***MARLAR: Maybe the person who dropped off $7,000 worth valuables was just confused because it’s called a food “BANK”?
YOU THINK IT’S BAD AT WORK NOW? YOU AIN’T HEARD NOTHING YET!
Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and underbenefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:
This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor. (My last job actually HAD that memo distributed to the staff… not surprisingly, that was the same day that I left!)
No talking is allowed during business hours.
The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!
Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.
The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
(***MARLAR: Wow… I guess I shouldn’t be complaining so much about not getting the “quilted” toilet paper in the office restroom, huh?)
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
DEAD OR ALIVE
20 year old Steven Durocher has been refused a tax rebate because the government thinks he’s dead! The Canadian man recently wrote to the country’s revenue agency asking for a tax rebate and the response was addressed to his estate and declined the request because he was deceased. Mr. Durocher is now trying to convince the government that he’s actually alive. He was quoted as saying, “I want the government to make me alive again so I can get on with my life.” ***MARLAR: Actually, I’m hoping the government declares me dead so I never have to pay taxes again.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
I’m not going to tell you what your kids should or should not do… but here’s a new study to take into consideration regarding the rules you make for your kids. Apparently, it’s more important than ever to monitor your children’s movie selections. In a study of nearly 3,600 middle school age children, Dartmouth researchers found that those who were allowed to watch R-rated movies are far more likely to start drinking alcohol at an early age. The kids were questioned at the outset of the study and followed up two years later. Only 3 percent of the tweens who were restricted from watching R-rated movies had started drinking alcohol. This compared with 19 percent of those who were sometimes allowed to watch R movies and 25 percent of those who were always allowed and had started drinking. Concluded Dr. James Sargent: “We think seeing the adult content actually changes their personality.”
It’s a rare individual who jumps out of bed at the first sound of the alarm. Most fumble to hit the snooze alarm. Some hit it more than once. Turns out, we shouldn’t hit it at all. Those few extra minutes of precious sleep could make you tired all day. Why? When you hit the snooze alarm and fall back to sleep, it fools your body into thinking it really can sleep more — not just seven minutes longer but a lot longer. So when the alarm goes off again, your body is confused. Very confused. And you will pay for that all day, according to research done by freelance writer and Rhodes Scholar Casey N. Cep. She calls the snooze button the root of all evil. “It’s one of the most deliberate ways we sabotage our lives,” she says. “It’s the enemy of both good sleep and productive wakefulness.” The takeaway here is simple: Get up when the alarm first goes off–no matter how tempting it is to hit the snooze alarm — and you will feel better all day.
A federal judge in Iowa has ruled that churches are not “public accommodations” and therefore not subject to government control. The ruling could prove pivotal as the country considers whether or not houses of worship are subject to public accommodation anti-discrimination laws. In her ruling, U.S. District Court Judge Stephanie Rose allowed a lawsuit filed by the Fort Des Moines Church of Christ to continue. The church filed suit in objection to the Iowa Civil Rights Commission applying a state civil rights law to churches. Read the full article at http://go.cbn.com/13942
Here’s an easy diet trick: Weigh yourself every day. The more frequently you weigh yourself, the more weight you will lose, according to researchers from Tampere University of Technology in Finland. Why? By keeping a close eye on even minor weight fluctuations, you can quickly get back on track and prevent future weight gain. The study found that the more frequently dieters weighed themselves, the more weight they lost. If dieters went longer than a week without a weigh-in, they gained weight. The average time a dieter could go between weigh-ins and not gain weight was 5.8 days. Keeping close track of your weight allows you to identify which foods cause weight gain. For this to work, however, you need to get a digital scale that is accurate to two-tenths of a pound. Since weekend weigh-ins can show dramatic gains or losses, pay close attention to your weight on Wednesday. This is a more consistent indication of your true weight.
I’ve never understood why we continue to turn the clocks back and forth during the year. In fact, turning the clocks back this weekend is not only a waste of time… it’s bad for your health, say scientists. The U.S., Canada and other parts of the world rob afternoons of an hour of daylight, taking away time for outdoor activities that help people stay healthy. Daylight Saving Time ends on November 6th this year (this Saturday night, 2am going into Sunday morning), and experts say the extra daylight would also help folks produce more natural vitamin D, which is created when the body is exposed to the sun.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. –Alfred Hitchcock
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
OCTOBER 28, 2016…
The Eagle Huntress—Here is a beautifully filmed documentary (true story) of a young girl in Mongolia who wants to become an eagle trainer/hunter. This is something only men of that area have done for generations, or even centuries. How to catch a baby bird, how to become friends with the wild creature—all this is shown. However, she must go against tradition. “The Eagle Huntress” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of birds.
Inferno—Tom Hanks, fresh off “Scully,” now takes on the role of Robert Langdon in Dan Brown’s novel concerning deciphering clues from “Dante’s Inferno.” Of course, there is a villain to stop him, and Felicity Jones is there as Hanks’ partner in the search. “Inferno” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of Dan Brown’s works.
Rings—Oh, yes, Halloween must be near. You thought the video tapes were gone? Ha. It is back cursing anyone who watches it and this includes Alex Roe and Matilda Lutz. “Rings” is rated R. No rating.
NOVEMBER 04, 2016…
Bleed For This is the story of a boxer, who suffered a near fatal injury in an accident and goes back into the ring. Stars Miles Teller.
Doctor Strange is adapted from a comic book and has Benedict Cumberbatch in the title role.
Hacksaw Ridge with Andrew Garfield (former Spider-Man) is based on the true story of a conscientious objector in WWII. Mel Gibson directs.
Loving is a true story about the romance between a white man (Joel Edgerton) and a back woman (Ruth Negga).
Trolls is an animated film on the lives of the little troll dolls. Remember them? One of the voices is Justin Timberlake.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.