November 02, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20171102
PDF: 20171102

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Wow – time for another show already? My how time flies when you spend all day trying to think of something witty and amusing to say at the beginning of your show.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM

“Be sincere; be brief; be seated.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.  –Romans 8:6-8

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves. –Colossians 1:13

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. — 2 Timothy 3:16-17

I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward. — Mark 9:41

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Blessings crown the head of the righteous, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked. — Proverbs 10:6

Thought: Jesus told Peter, “Those who live by the sword will die by the sword.” Violence begets violence and rarely does a violent person not have to taste the bitter repayment of violence. God’s Wise Man is saying essentially the same thing in this verse, but with one key addition. Blessings come to the person who is righteous. We reap what we sow!

Prayer: Holy God, please bless me with righteousness — not just by your grace and mercy, but by the transformation of my heart by your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name I ask it. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Isaiah 11:2 NIV = The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him… the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the Lord…

TODAY IS THURSDAY – NOVEMBER 02, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
54 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today IS DEVILED EGG DAY.  ***Which begs the question, can you eat deviled eggs and still consider yourself a good Christian?

Today is PLAN YOUR EPITAPH DAY.  ***Because a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death.  Some quick examples from GoodQuotes.com:

  • She did it the hard way. – Bette Davis

  • …that nothing’s so sacred as honor and nothing’s so loyal as love. – Wyatt Earp

  • The passive master lent his hand, To the vast Soul which o’er him planned. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

  • “That’s All Folks!” – The Man of a Thousand Voices, Mel Blanc

  • The Body of B. Franklin, Printer, Like the Cover of an old Book, Its Contents turn out, And Stript of its Lettering & Guilding, Lies here. Food for Worms.  For, it will as he believed, appear once more in a new and more elegant Edition, corrected and improved by the Author. – Benjamin Franklin

TODAY IS ALSO…

All Souls Day
Cookie Monster Birthday
International Day to End Impunity for Crimes Against Journalists
National Men Make Dinner Day (Must Cook. No BBQ Allowed!)
National Traffic Professionals Day
Plan Your Epitaph Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 03

Cliché Day
Fountain Pen Day
Love Your Lawyer Day
National Jersey Friday
National Medical Science Liaison Awareness & Appreciation Day
Public Television Day
Sandwich Day
Stout Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 04

SOS Day: 3Bison Day
National Chicken Lady Day
National Candy Day
National Easy-Bake Oven Day
Use Your Common Sense Day
Digital Scrapbooking Day
Pumpkin Destruction Day
Sadie Hawkins Day
Sausage and Kraut Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 05

Play Monopoly Day
Stout Day
Daylight Savings Time Ends
National Love Your Red Hair Day
World Tsunami Awareness Day
Zero Tasking Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 06

Color The World Orange Day
Fill Our Staplers Day
International Day for Preventing the Exploitation of the Environment in War and Armed Conflict
Job Action Day
National Nachos Day
Saxophone Day
Traffic Directors Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 07

Election Day
Employee Brotherhood Day
International Merlot Day
National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day
National Canine Lymphoma Awareness Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 08

Abet and Aid Punsters Day
Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day
Dunce Day
Intersex Day of Remembrance
National Parents As Teachers Day
National S.T.E.M./S.T.E.A.M. Day
X-Ray Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 09

International Tempranillo Day
Kristallnacht
Microcia Awareness Day
World Freedom Day

ON THIS DAY

1734: Daniel Boone was born in a log cabin in Berks County, near present-day Reading, Pennsylvania. ***Many legends revolved around Daniel Boone, like the time he wrestled a bear. It doesn’t say here a “bare what,” but I’m sure it was interesting.

1783: General George Washington gave his farewell address to his troops. ***Eventually, he quit working and became president.

1920: On November 2, KDKA Radio in Pittsburgh signed on the air with news of Warren Harding’s election as president of the United States — it was the birth of commercial broadcasting as Dr. Frank Conrad’s station started regular programming. ***And we’ve been inundated with political ads ever since.

1947: This was the day in that Howard Hughes flew his mammoth flying boat, the “Spruce Goose,” for the first and only time — the 200-ton wooden airplane gained an altitude of some 70 feet over a one mile distance above Long Beach Harbor. ***Despite the short flight the crew still managed to lose everyone’s luggage.

1959: In New York, Montreal Canadians goalie Jacques Plante became the first NHL goalie to wear a mask on a permanent basis after getting hit by a shot from Rangers’ Andy Bathgate. ***Have you seen what a hockey puck can do to your face? Even if you decided to quit hockey, after something like that you’d STILL want to wear a mask just so you wouldn’t frighten your children!

1959: Game show contestant Charles Van Doren admitted to a House subcommittee that he had been given questions and answers in advance when he appeared on the NBC-TV program “Twenty-One.” ***The answer, by the way, to the question of life, the universe, and everything is “42”.

1988: A Cornell University graduate student unleashed a computer “worm” that began reproducing and clogging thousands of computers around the country. ***It was called “Windows”.

1996: Louisville, Kentucky, police released two Chicago men of Palestinian descent from jail when the white powder found in their car turned out to be dried yogurt, which is common in Middle East countries. The men had told police for two days that’s what it was.

1997: Ashlyn and Lacey McCleve, 4-year-old and 7-year-old sisters from Gilbert, Arizona, were chosen as the newest Oscar Mayer wieners in a nationwide contest to find children to sing the bologna song. The girls also shared the top prize, a $20-thousand college scholarship. ***A wiener scholarship… I’ll bet that looked good on the ole’ college transcripts.

2016: After 108 years of failure, the Chicago Cubs finally win the World Series in game #7 agains the Cleveland Indians.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1164: Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Becket, 45, began a six-year self-imposed exile in France. Once a close friend of England’s Henry II, Thomas had more recently become an outspoken opponent of the king’s royal policies.

1600: Staunch Anglican theologian Richard Hooker died at 46. His last words were: ‘God hath my daily petitions, for I am at peace with all men, and He is at peace with me… and this witness makes the thoughts of death joyful.’

1789: During the chaos of the French Revolution, the property of the Church in France was taken over by the state.

1830: A general convention of Methodist reformers opposed to the episcopal (i.e., bishop-led) form of church government met in Baltimore, MD, to establish the Protestant Methodist Church.

1917: British foreign secretary Arthur J. Balfour, 69, issued the Balfour Declaration, calling for “establishment in Palestine of a national home for the Jewish people.” The document’s recognition of a Jewish nationalism planted the seed which in 1948 led to an establishment of the modern state of Israel.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actress (The Forgotten, Radio) Alfre Woodard, 63

  • Announcer (“Let’s get ready to rumble!”) Michael Buffer, 72

  • Actress (“Hart to Hart”) Stephanie Powers, 74 (audio clip)

  • Political commentator Pat Buchanan, 78

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1926 : Charlie Walker

1937 : Earl “Speedoo” Carroll (The Cadillacs, The Coasters)

1938 : Jay Black (Jay and the Americans)

1941 : Bruce Welch (The Shadows)

1941 : Brian Poole (The Tremoloes)

1944 : Keith Emerson (The Nice, Emerson, Lake & Palmer)

1945 : J.D. Souther

1946 : Len “Chip” Hawkes (The Tremoloes)

1947 : Dave Pegg (Jethro Tull, Fairport Convention)

1952 : Maxine Nightengale

1957 : Carter Beauford (The Dave Matthews Band)

1961 : k.d. lang

1963 : Bobby Dall (Poison)

1969 : Reginald Arvizu (KoRn)

1971 : John Hampson (Nine Days)

1978 : Nelly

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Is “The Big Bang” the best theory?

The beliefs that humans have entertained about the universe for most of history are radically different from the views held by most scientists today. The epic discoveries of Newton on gravity, Galileo on the planets, Copernicus on the place of the earth in the solar system, Tycho Brahe on the planetary orbits, and others have revolutionized our view of cosmology. Even the knowledge discovered in the last century alone has drastically changed our worldview. Computers, improved telescopes, and new research techniques that allow us to view more of the universe in greater detail than ever before have revealed one surprise after another.

Currently, the most widely accepted hypothesis of the universe’s origin (and everything in it) is a theory called the Big Bang. This view hypothesizes that the Big Bang was an explosion of “space itself”—a concept difficult to understand partly because most people think of an explosion as the expansion of a material substance in space. Today, instead of “explosion” the preferred term is “expansion,” although many people, including many scientists who are not astronomers, think of it as an explosion of matter only. Terminology aside, the Big Bang is the “creation myth that has dominated cosmology since the 1960s.”

In popular-science journals and scholarly papers alike, the Big Bang is almost universally spoken of as established fact, even though much controversy still exists about the theory among scientists and others.

(From Answers in Genesis)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth has, over the past three decades, made nearly $9-million from horse racing prize money.  ***What they’re not reporting is how much she lost.  And what does Britain think of having a gambling addict on the throne?

Domino’s is testing a self-driving pizza delivery vehicle.  ***Wouldn’t they be better off trying to find a way to improve the quality and taste of their crappy pizza, rather than finding an untested way to deliver it?

Tragedy struck a Brooklyn family over the weekend when a father and son died of drug overdoses at a birthday party. Police say Joseph Andrade, 44, and his son Carlos, 22, told family members they were stepping outside for a cigarette, but what they were really doing was going to snort a mix of heroin and fentanyl, an opioid 50 times stronger than morphine. Carlos was discovered by his girlfriend, Jasmine Santos, as he asphyxiated in the foyer of his father’s building around 3am. Joseph was found outside the building. Both died within an hour of being found.  ***The family that’s gets high together… can die together.

Facebook makes you fat. That is the shocking claim of a new study that finds those who use social Web sites like Facebook and Twitter for more than an hour a day are less active and prone to be heavier than those who keep their surfing to under 60 minutes. Lead author, psychologist Dr. Wendy Cousins of the University of Ulster says, “Time is a finite resource and social networking comes at the expense of physical activities.”  ***So it’s not my fault I’m husky… it’s Mark Zuckerberg’s fault.

A new study claims that an aspirin a day keeps cancers away.  ***Which is great news – because people born in June and July are really annoying.

The Seattle Mariners have hired Dr. Lorena Martin as their first-ever Director of Higher Performance.  ***That’s a thing?  Sounds like something you might need after smoking weed in Colorado – “I need someone to help direct my high performance!”

ESPN might give up its Monday Night NFL rights when their current contract ends in 2021.  ***At which point there will be nothing left worth watching on ESPN.

Corey Feldman told the “Today” show this week that he plans to release every name he knows that he says is part of a Hollywood pedophile club.  ***Thanks Corey – but don’t you think that information might have been important a decade ago?  Just sayin.

Have you ever wondered where all of your free time goes? Solve the mystery with Moment. This free app automatically tracks how much you use your iPhone and iPad each day. It tracks everything from how many times a day you pick up your phone, to time spent talking, texting and browsing.  ***I’d download it to give it a try – but I’m too busy getting work done on my phone and tablet.

A Florida guy, angry about losing his job, went to his former boss’ home, stole $2 off a counter top, threatened him with a knife, got chased off with a rake and then carjacked a truck. No one was hurt and the guy was later arrested.  ***I’m guessing this is not the kind of go-get-em attitude his boss was saying the guy lacked when he pink-slipped him.

iOS 11.1, the latest iOS update, is out this week for everyone to download. Front and center in its release notes is a bunch of new emoji. Included in those are an orange heart, a Brachiosaurus, a swearing face, and a red scarf. There are 70 new emoji.  ***Has anyone else noticed that the more we start communicating using emojis, the further back in time we seem to go?  We’re practically speaking in hieroglyphics now.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A Gallup poll says that half of people in Illinois would leave the state if they could. The top reason for wanting to move from Illinois, given by 26 percent of those polled, was “work/business-related.” Weather was the next most-cited reason for wanting to move. ***I say leave. If all of those people left, just think of how much better Chicago traffic would be.

You’ve probably heard of IBM’s supercomputer program Watson — it’s famous for taking on humans in chess and beating humans on Jeopardy. Now you can use Watson to analyze your personality. Simply enter something you’ve written, like a long email or longish Facebook post, and let Watson go to work. In seconds the real you is revealed. It also scores you on various needs and values.  *** And if your name is Sarah Connor it immediately tries to kill you. https://personality-insights-livedemo.mybluemix.net/

The United States Food and Drug Administration allows up to 60 insect parts (legs, wings etc.) in a 100-gram sample of chocolate.  ***On the plus side, Kit Kits are now a good source of protein!

A new study finds that the “Five Second Rule” is not an actual thing.  It turns out bacteria can contaminate food in less than a second.  *** On the plus side, bacteria is a great source of protein.  Honestly, I have no idea if that’s true, but if that allows me to pick up and eat my dropped hot dog, I’m going with it.

A study finds that too much texting can be bad for your relationship. Researchers studying the types and frequency of text messages between men and women say the sexes use texting differently – and may be driving their partner away. Men who text their partners more are likely to be unhappy with the relationship, while women who text their partners more often are typically happier in the relationship and trying to reach out – but may be driving their partners away by appearing too intrusive.  *** And speaking of driving, don’t text while doing that either.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, upon losing all of his crayons, Racquet sought help from all of his friends to help find them so he could finish the portrait of the rabbit family as he promised. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to be all that sympathetic to his situation.

CLOSE: It’s beginning to look like those crayons will never be found, and that the Rabbit family will never get their portrait colored. Of course, we can all agree that swimming and fort building are extremely important – but then, so are crayons, right? And I’m pretty sure it’s important to help a friend in need to… I think. Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
May I have your attention please? If you plan on robbing a bank, please call in advance to make your reservation… thank you.

A Des Moines Iowa woman is suing a bank for not knowing that it was going to be robbed, resulting in her being put in danger during the armed heist. She says she is suffering ”mental and/or emotional distress” as well as injuries from an assault by one of the robbers. ***MARLAR: Let’s recap, shall we? She’s suing because the bank didn’t know it was going to be robbed. If you follow that logic, the bank should be able to counter-sue because the woman did not let them know that she was going to be assaulted! See – everyone can win!

TOP TEN
TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your computer terminal

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you’ll receive a reply one day from a company you’ll never do business with  anyway

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you’d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome

9) See smoke arising from your computer

10) All of the above

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Yet another criminal forgets to run away after committing a crime! What kind of disease is this that’s spreading through the criminal element, and can we synthesize it?

FILE #1: While it’s not usually a good idea to return to the scene of the crime, it’s an even bigger mistake to never leave. Jason Street and Chad Gilmer broke into a business and stole about 40 bucks in cash, a flashlight and some soft drinks and then left. They just didn’t go far enough. They walked across the street to their car, got inside, counted their money, drank their sodas and promptly fell asleep. Police answering the burglary call rousted them from their little nap and took them to jail.

FILE #2: You would think that when 48 year old Noel Miller recently escaped from Cornell Correctional Institute in San Francisco, that he would “lay low” for some time. Instead the fugitive, who had been serving a 9-year sentence for bank robbery, went to New Orleans where he robbed the “Omni Bank” and 2 days later knocked off the “St. Rose Bank”! The sad part was that he would have gotten away with it had he not had to hail a cab as getaway vehicle in both instances.  The second time a witness followed his cab and notified police.

FILE #3: A Chinese restaurant is accusing a Florida man of taking advantage of their “all you can eat” buffet. An argument ensued at the China Dragon restaurant in Holiday, Florida, after Bob Middleton proceeded to take multiple trips (between 5 to 7, with more than one plate each time) to the $9.95 buffet. Other patrons began to complain when Bob kept eating all the snow crabs. The waitress dropped a big hint by giving him the bill. Not to be denied, Middleton went back for more. The waitress then came back with a new bill — charging him $10 more for eating so many snow crabs. Middleton refused to pay the extra $10 and a heated argument began that ended with a visit from the police. After hearing both sides of the story, the officer said the restaurant couldn’t charge Middleton extra for his eating habits. “I didn’t get this gut by being a vegetarian”, said the 265 pound Middleton.

STRANGE LAW: If you are a pedestrian trying to cross a highway at night in Indiana, you are required by law to wear a taillight.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

One group of trick-or-treaters got a lot more than they bargained for!

In Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada, a trio of young trick-or-treaters was left a little dumbfounded Halloween night when a neighborhood house began handing out cans of beer instead of candy. Dave Kozicki said his nine-year-old son and two friends were nearing the end of their route Halloween night when a man, apparently drunk, tossed the unwanted treats into their bags and told them not to come back. The cops were called and they charged the 53-year-old man with distributing alcohol to minors.

PHONER PHUN

Today is “Plan Your Epitaph Day.” So do it – what would you want written on your headstone for the rest of eternity? Would it be inspirational? Humorous?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: By what other name is the Salt Sea (the Dead Sea) known in the Old Testament?
ANSWER: The Sea of Arabah (Deuteronomy 3:17)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Which of your ears is better at processing music?

ANSWER: The left ear. (Doctors have always assumed that both human ears were basically the same. But a UCLA study of babies may change a lot of assumptions about the way the brain works, because it found that the right ear is better at picking up speech-like sounds, while the left ear is better at processing music.)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The first American satellite in orbit was not the Explorer 1, but the Explorer 2. (False – it was Explorer 1, launched February 1, 1958.)

2. The first man-made object to circle the earth was Sputnik 1. (True – launched in 1957.)

3. The International Space Station is only about the size of a small house. (False – it weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as a football field.)

4. A tiger’s paw prints are called pug marks. (True – a tiger’s forefeet have five toes and the hind feet have four toes. All toes have claws. The claws are 80 to 100 mm in length.)

5. Texas has 154 counties. (False – it has 254 counties. Alaska, which is more than twice as large, hasn’t any counties.)

6. A horseshoe for a full-grown Clydesdale measures more that 42 inches from end to end. (False – it measures about 22 inches from end to end and weighs about five pounds. It is more than two times as long and four times as heavy as a shoe worn by a riding horse.)

7. In 1935, the police in Atlantic City, New Jersey, arrested 42 men on the beach for topless bathing. (True)

8. Russian money used to be made of tea leaves. (False – it used to be made of leather until the 17th century., Tea money in China.)

9. Canada is the largest country in the world. (False – it’s the second-largest country in the world after Russia. Nearly 90 percent of the Canada’s population is concentrated within 100 miles of the United States/Canada border.)

10. The surface temperature of a neutron star is about 1.8 million degrees Fahrenheit. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WILD ______ TAKE ATLANTA! (HOGS)

Wild hogs are roaming loose in Atlanta… and residents are running for their lives!

Wild hogs are scaring residents of Atlanta.

Some parents fear sending their children to a school bus stop, where up to four hundred of the hogs are roaming the streets and eating trash, attacking people.

Authorities hope the hogs can be trapped in cages by next week, but they may need to have help from the National Guard.

“They’re causing mayhem and terror,” said one Atlanta resident as she headed out to work in downtown Atlanta.

The Atlanta Police Department’s  animal control officers are working on a plan to capture the animals, but two of the officers were already hospitalized after trying to capture just one.

“My children are petrified,” said another Atlanta resident “I have little ones that get on the bus at 6:40 in the morning,” she added. “So, I’m sorry. I’m not built to fight off wildlife.”

The hogs are extremely dangerous if they are cornered, said Harry Forston, a deer and feral hog biologist with the Georgia Department of Natural Resources.

“If they feel threatened, they can bite and kill,” he said.

A sow protecting piglets can also be dangerous, much like a bear protecting her cubs.

Feral hogs live in just about every county in Georgia. The animals in Georgia are “a hodge-podge” of domestic pigs that escaped from their pens and hogs that have been living in the wild for years.

In the early 1900s, several animals escaped from their enclosures at a hunting preserve at a mountain known as Hooper Bald in North Carolina, and they mated with feral hogs in the surrounding area. That population then spread into other areas of the Southeast, including Georgia, according to research done by Dr. Jack Mayer of the Savannah River National Laboratory in Aiken, S.C.s.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after having surgery, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside.  His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, “You’re beautiful.”

He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”

“What happened to beautiful?” she asked him.

“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.

JOKE #2

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. “Where did my CORNBREAD go?” he shouted.

JOKE #3

A little boy was given a five-dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn’t put it in.  But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor’s hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor.

The pastor asked him, “Why are you giving me this money? Why didn’t you put it in the offering plate?”

And the boy answered, “Because my mommy told me you’re the poorest pastor we’ve ever had!”

USELESS FACTS

The chances of dying by laughter are 15 billion to 1.  ***And if you’re listening to my show you’re not at any risk at all.

The Preventive Medicine Society of China reports that 60 percent of people in rural areas of the country have never brushed their teeth. ***Here’s the strange thing… I checked it out this morning; my toothbrush is stamped “Made in China.”

Astronomers say there is a chance that Earth will survive being swallowed by the Sun when it burns out and explodes in five billion years.  ***Which is good news, because I opted for the lifetime warranty on my new solar-powered calculator.

FEATURED FUNNIES

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

SIMPLY SHOCKING!

An electricity company has been sued in court because it LOWERED its rates!

A German electrical utility company has been forced by the courts to pay compensation just because it was nice to its customers! The bosses at BEWAG (the name of the electrical company) thought that it’d be a great idea to drop the prices for their electric services by one-third – figuring it’d make all of their customers very happy. And it did… all except one. An unnamed customer of the utility company decided to sue, figuring that, if the company could afford to drop prices, it meant that they had been overcharging for all of those years previous! And in Germany, that’s against the law for utility companies. The law says that state electricity must be sold as cheaply as possible. So he took BEWAG to court… and won. ***MARLAR: In order to pay the claimant, BEWAG said they’d be raising electricity rates.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

The power of sacrificial giving is revealed in 2 Corinthians 9:6-11.

First, God will measure back to you with the same measuring device you use when giving to Him (v. 6).

Second, God is looking for a heart attitude that is free, spontaneous, and cheerful in giving (v. 7).

Third, God has the power to resupply your resources to such a point that you will always have enough to give to any worthy project (v. 8).

Fourth, God will remember for eternity what you scatter abroad (v. 9).

Fifth, if you have a sower’s heart and are faithful, God will give you more and more seed to plant (v. 10).

Finally, God will prosper you financially so you can become a resource for building His kingdom in the earth (v. 11).

How many people fail to start down God’s road of blessing because they sow sparingly? Step through the gate of hilarious, generous, spontaneous giving and watch God supply you with more seed to sow than you ever dreamed possible. He is looking for channels through which He can bless the world!

–Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“For they all saw Him and were troubled. But immediately He talked with them and said to them, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.” –Mark 6:50

Ever thought of yourself as a cheerleader? How would you look in a short skirt! One guy in high school decided to run for the position and was elected by a landslide – all the guys voted for him as a novelty. He only lasted one year, but it was an exciting year!

Jesus was a cheerleader. Five or six times he tells us to “be of good cheer.” In the case of today’s verse, He is encouraging a frightened group of fishermen friends. They are fighting a fierce storm and see a figure walking on the water. What would you think if you saw someone walking on water in the middle of a very stormy, very deep lake? You would be frightened just like the twelve were. They needed a cheerleader.

Perhaps you need a good cheerleader today. “Be of good cheer!” Jesus is near and He will help you through the difficulty you are facing. Turn to Him and He will lift you up. Perhaps you know someone who needs a cheerleader. You can be that for them. Sometimes all it takes is a kind word and a quick hug. Other times require more time and effort. In either case, your Cheerleader, Jesus, will help you be the cheerleader for that individual. All you have to do is follow Him.

LEFTOVERS

Teachers’ high standards, not false praise, improve students’ grades.

According to new psychology research from the University of Texas at Austin, students who received notes expressing the teachers high expectations scored better on writing assignments. The report in Breaking Christian News says the latest studies contradict a common trend in education of praising students for mediocre work.

LIFE… LIVE IT

SIGNS YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED AT SCHOOL

(shine.yahoo.com) The National Youth Violence Prevention Network recently reported that 5.7 million students are involved in bullying— as the victim, perpetrator, or both. More often than not, kids hide being bullied out of shame, so it is important to watch for behavioral changes. Here are six key signs, outlined by the Department of Health and Human Services, your child may be the victim of harassment and intimidation.

  • Loss of Interest in School: A sharp decline in grades coupled with a sudden disinterest in school can be a tell-tale sign of your child suffering at the hands of a bully. Similarly, if your kid seems distracted and eager to change the subject when you bring up his or her school day, it could be an indication of something more serious. Try to get your child to open up by doing a fun one-on-one activity with him or her and ask questions in a gentle manner. In other words, don’t give the third degree.
  • Inconsistent Eating and Sleeping Patterns: Many victims of bullying exhibit loss of appetite or engage in binge eating to cope with the harassment. Anxiety over the torment can cause nightmares or insomnia. Excessive sleeping can also be a clue to underlying problems. Talk to your child, speak with school administrators, and if need be, meet with a physician before the problem manifests into something worse.
  • Fear or Anxiety of Going to School: If your child avoids riding the bus, is scared of walking to and from school, or takes a long, out-of-the-way route to class, find out what or who is behind it by talking to school officials, cross-walk guards, or the bus driver.
  • Unexplained Cuts and Bruises: Kids are notorious for getting into all sorts of mishaps. But when bruises or cuts are unaccounted for or are routinely brushed off as “accidents,” you should investigate the causes without hesitation.
  • Damaged or Missing Belongings: Again, children are prone to accidents. But if you notice a pattern of torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings, you should definitely look into the reason why. Also, if your child is constantly losing his or her lunch (or lunch money), there may be more to it than absent-mindedness. Get to the root of the matter, and consider labeling your child’s belongings to help prove the property is, in fact, your child’s.
  • Frequent Health Complaints and Requests to Stay Home: If your child frequently complains about headaches and stomachaches and asks to stay home, you should look into whether they’re phantom claims or legitimate illnesses. It’s not uncommon for anxiety and psychological anguish over the harassment and intimidation to lead to very real physical ailments. Speak to your child’s teacher, guidance counselor, or the family physician if the complaints persist.

JUST FOR FUN

SOUP IS ON

A Utah resident had a great idea to hide their valuables — put them in a fake soup can and seal it. Turns out that wasn’t the best plan.

The problem was that they accidentally gave the soup can to a food drive. Now the Utah Food Bank is searching for the donor of the fake can so they can return its valuable contents. Worker Richard Bohmhold said he didn’t notice any difference in the can’s appearance or weight when he was sorting items for a senior citizens meal program, except in sound. He figured the can had been damaged and its contents leaked out, so he submitted the suspect item to his supervisor. When they opened the can they found $7,000 in gold chains, pearls and other gems. The food bank has no idea when the can came in and have turned over its contents to the police for safekeeping.  ***MARLAR: Maybe the person who dropped off $7,000 worth valuables was just confused because it’s called a food “BANK”?

FUN LIST

YOU THINK IT’S BAD AT WORK NOW? YOU AIN’T HEARD NOTHING YET!

Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and underbenefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

  • This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

  • Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

  • Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

  • A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

  • No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor. (My last job actually HAD that memo distributed to the staff… not surprisingly, that was the same day that I left!)

  • No talking is allowed during business hours.

  • The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

  • Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!

  • Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

  • The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

  • The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

(***MARLAR: Wow… I guess I shouldn’t be complaining so much about not getting the “quilted” toilet paper in the office restroom, huh?)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DEAD OR ALIVE

20 year old Steven Durocher has been refused a tax rebate because the government thinks he’s dead! The Canadian man recently wrote to the country’s revenue agency asking for a tax rebate and the response was addressed to his estate and declined the request because he was deceased. Mr. Durocher is now trying to convince the government that he’s actually alive. He was quoted as saying, “I want the government to make me alive again so I can get on with my life.” ***MARLAR: Actually, I’m hoping the government declares me dead so I never have to pay taxes again.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

I’ve never understood why we continue to turn the clocks back and forth during the year.  In fact, turning the clocks back this weekend is not only a waste of time… it’s bad for your health, say scientists. The U.S., Canada and other parts of the world rob afternoons of an hour of daylight, taking away time for outdoor activities that help people stay healthy. Daylight Saving Time ends on November 6th this year (this Saturday night, 2am going into Sunday morning), and experts say the extra daylight would also help folks produce more natural vitamin D, which is created when the body is exposed to the sun.

Here’s something to add to your prayer list today.   If you missed it, Chicago Bears tight end Zach Miller suffered a very ugly-looking knee dislocation in Sunday’s game against the New Orleans Saints. He made a diving touchdown catch – only to have it later ruled not a touchdown – and something far worse. The 33-year-old landed weirdly on his leg causing injuries so bad, vascular surgeons operated on Miller Sunday night “in an effort to save his injured left leg!” Tissue was reportedly grafted from the right leg. The Chicago Tribune quotes Bears right guard Kyle Long as saying of the injury, “It’s brutal, gruesome. I didn’t watch it after I saw it the first time.” Our hopes and prayers are with Zach, but he could lose his leg. (ESPN)

Temper, temper. If you feel a tantrum coming on, whatever you do, do not count to 10. The time honored countdown is the worst thing you can do, say researchers at Ohio State University, because it only boils your inner turmoil. “If you focus too much on how you are feeling, it usually backfires,” says university psychologist Brad Bushman. “It keeps the aggressive thoughts and feelings active in your mind, so you are more likely to act aggressively.” Actually, the best way to tame a tantrum is “self distancing.” With this technique, you mentally remove yourself from the situation by pretending that you are seeing it from the point of view of a fly on the wall, explains psychologist Dominik Mischkowski. “It is more effective than any other technique, such as thinking calming thoughts or going to your ‘happy place,'” he adds. “Self distancing really works, even right after provocation.”

So you’re not a morning person. Well, regardless, a Harvard University psychologist says what you do as soon as you wake up can make or break your day. Amy Cuddy says that having a good old stretch in your bed is the best way to start the day. That means spreading your arms and legs wide and making your body as long as possible as soon as your alarm goes off. It may sound like an old wives tale or something your mom would say, but there’s actually some solid theory behind it. Known as power posing, the idea of making yourself as big as possible involves mimicking the pose of a confident person. So essentially, you’re telling your brain that you have all the confidence in the world instead of being an insecure mess-similar to the tried and tested method of pretending you’re a confident person until it comes naturally. Prof Cuddy says, “When you pretend to be powerful, you are more likely to actually feel powerful. The people who wake up like this are super happy, like annoyingly happy.” Meanwhile, curling up into a ball and sleeping in the fetal position has the opposite effect. (Metro)

Can you be addicted to your phone? Chances are, it’s either already in your hand or within easy reach. And there is nothing wrong with that, right? Quite possibly, there is nothing wrong with that. Smartphones are useful and fun devices — nothing more. But when it does become more than that, it can spell trouble. Yes, you can be so attached to your phone that it turns into an obsession or even a real addiction. Larry Rosen, Ph.D., professor emeritus of psychology at California State University, Dominguez Hills, is an expert in the field of technology addiction, an area that’s only gaining more attention these days. For the past 30 years, he has studied the impact of technology on more than 50,000 children, teens and adults worldwide. Perhaps the most eye-catching statistic he has come across is this: The average person checks his or her phone about 60 times a day for a total of 220 minutes — nearly four hours. Technology addiction is the same as any other type of addiction. How can you tell if you’re addicted to your phone?

  • You need more of the addictive “substance”–in this case, it could be social media, surfing, apps, gaming or all of these–in order to feel the same happiness and satisfaction.

  • Time away from your phone leads to depression, anxiety or stress.

  • When you are not using your phone, you are restless and keep thinking about it.

How can you get into the habit of healthy technology use? Rosen suggests creating a schedule and allotting a certain amount of time for certain devices. Changing your behavior can change your addictive propensities, but a true addiction takes time to fix.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NONE TODAY

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NONE TODAY

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. –Alfred Hitchcock

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 27, 2017…

Professor Marston and The Wonder Women—Well, you think, here is the story of  “Wonder Woman.” It really is and it really isn’t.  Professor William Marston (Luke Evans) is a psychologist during WWII and married to Rebecca Hall.  They have a secret, they both love Bella Heathcote. Women’s liberation isn’t in the forefront at this time, so everything is kept a secret. Marston creates a character who is a woman, a warrior, free to choose what she wants to do in society. Thus, “Wonder Woman” is born. Marston didn’t use his own name with “Wonder Woman,” he had the pen name of Charles Moulton. A lot has happened in society since the 1940’s, and “Wonder Woman” endures, even in 2017, having a top box office film of her own. “Professor Marston and The Woman Women” is rated R. No rating..

Suburbicon— Matt Damon stars in this film that has a bit of dark humor in it, though a thriller. The story concerns a home invasion that may not be all that it is cracked up to be.  Damon is married to Julianne Moore here, and something suspicious is going on about the whole “invasion” thing. Oscar Isaacs is an insurance investigator on the case.  Hmm. George Clooney directs this film. “Suburbicon” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Thank You For Your Service—Based on the non-fiction book of the same title by David Finkel, the topic is post-traumatic stress syndrome and how it effects three soldiers and their families when they return from duty in Iraq. Stars Miles Teller, Amy Schumer and Joe Cole. “Thank You For Your Service” is rated R. No rating.

The Killing Of A Sacred Deer—A film about a youth in trouble, who has a heart surgeon (Colin Farrell) befriend him. Colin is married to Nicole Kidman and this film is a bit of a thriller that was a hit at the Toronto Film Festival. The teen boy is played by newcomer Barry Keoghan. Problems arise when you bring strangers into the house. “The Killing Of A Sacred Deer” is rated R. No rating.

The Square (opening in select cities)—This is a Swedish film, a bit of drama and satire. The plot concerns what happens when the Palace is converted into an  art museum, and the director loses his equipment just as the Opening is almost ready. The film stars Elisabeth Moss (“The Handmaid’s Tale”) and Dominic West. “The Square” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Jigsaw—Guess what? It is close to Halloween and another “Jigsaw” film about people being tortured. This one is about 10 years after the last film and the character of Jigsaw is supposed to be dead. This is what they tell us on soap operas and they always reappear again, so who knows what happens here?  The hapless cast includes Matt Passmore, Callum Keith Rennie, Cle Bennett and Laura Vandervoot. “Jigsaw” is rated R and is an adult film. No rating.

NOVEMBER 03, 2017…

Last Flag Flying concerns the funeral of the son of a war veteran. Stars Steve Carell.

A Bad Mom’s Christmas is yet another film for Mom’s who want a night out. Stars Kirsten Bell.

Thor: Ragnarok, oh, and here come Chris Hemsworth swinging that mighty hammer and Loki, played by the elegant Tom Hiddleston.

LBJ stars Woody Harrelson as President Lyndon Baines Johnson as he begins his presidency.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.