November 03, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161103

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m not going to say today’s show will be exactly like yesterday’s show, but just in case, the bomb squad is standing by.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

We know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” and again, “The Lord will judge his people.” It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. –Hebrews 10:30-31

Laziness brings on deep sleep, and the shiftless man goes hungry. –Proverbs 19:15

Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. — 1 Peter 2:9

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

This is what the LORD Almighty says: “Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.” — Zechariah 7:9-10

Thought: Do you want a clear, simple, straightforward word from the Lord today? That’s what Zechariah gives us. He reminds us that God wants us to be fair, compassionate, caring, without prejudice, and tenderhearted to those in need, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt. In other words, he wants us to treat each other like Christ treated people. Why? Because we can’t be right with God and be wrong with people!

Prayer: Loving Father, please forgive me for the times I’ve gotten bogged down with hard-to-understand verses in Scripture and ignored your clear teaching on how to live. Please give me the opportunity this week to live like you have commanded me. In the future, when my heart grows cold or my response to others is not what it should be, please use your Spirit to bring to my remembrance this passage so that I might live it to your glory. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

Luke 11:3 NIV = Give us each day our daily bread.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – NOVEMBER 03, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
53 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is SEE IF YOU CAN STILL HOLD A GLASS TO YOUR MOUTH WITH SHEER LUNG POWER DAY.  ***I can, but it will require my taking the rest of the day off to recuperate once I do it.

Today is CLICHÉ DAY.  Try to use as many clichés as possible today.  ***And why not? Give it a shot.  What do you have to lose?  I’ll toss my hat into the ring – it should be a piece of cake!  Easy as pie!

Today is GIVE SOMEONE A DOLLAR DAY.  ***I gave my wife a dollar – she gave it right back to me.  There… done.

This is KID’S GOAL SETTING WEEK, a time to teach children to set goals to make their dreams come true.  ***That’s right, kiddies!  You too can reach your dream of being a big time radio show DJ – all you have to do is flunk out of college like I did!  Whoo hoo!

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Cliche Day

National Men Make Dinner Day (NO BBQ ALLOWED!)

Public Television Day

Sandwich Day

SOS Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 04

National Chicken Lady Day

National Candy Day

https://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/images/abanews/LoveYourLawyerDay.pdf

Punkin Chunkin

Use Your Common Sense Day

National Medical Science Liaison Awareness & Appreciation Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 05

Digital Scrapbooking Day

National Love Your Red Hair Day

Pumpkin Destruction Day

Sadie Hawkins Day

Sausage and Kraut Day

Stout Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 06

Daylight Saving Time Ends @2:00am (turn clocks back 1 hour)

International Day for Preventing the Exploitation of the Environment in War and Armed Conflict

National Nachos Day

Saxophone Day

Zero Tasking Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 07

Employee Brotherhood Day

Fill Our Staplers Day

International Merlot Day

Job Action Day

National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day

National Canine Lymphoma Awareness Day

Traffic Directors Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 08

Abet and Aid Punsters Day

Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day

Dunce Day

Election Day

National Parents as Teachers Day

National S.T.E.M./S.T.E.A.M. Day

National Young Readers’ Day

X-Ray Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 09

Kristallnacht

World Freedom Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10

Area Code Day

International Tempranillo Day

Marine Corps Birthday

NET Cancer Awareness Day

Sesame Street Day

Windows Day (Microsoft)

World Science Day for Peace and Development

ON THIS DAY

1917: The price of a first-class U.S. postage stamp was increased to three cents.

1952: A supermarket in Chester, New York, offered history’s first frozen bread for sale, using a Birdseye quick-freeze process. It didn’t catch on, but Clarence’s frozen peas, introduced the same day, are still selling.

1957: A Soviet dog named Laika was launched into orbit aboard Sputnik II, the second man-made satellite. Laika died during the experiment.

1980: The teenage “E” gang that had been stealing the letter “E” from signs all over Winnipeg, Manitoba, sent a lawyer to police with a car-trunk full of “E’s” and promised not to do it anymore.

1988: Talk host Geraldo Rivera suffered a broken nose as Roy Innes brawled with skinheads during a television show taping.

1992: 92-year-old Clarice Humphrey of Eutaw, Alabama, voted for Bill Clinton on the first ballot she ever cast. She said her husband did not believe women should vote, so she never registered until after he died.

1998: Minnesotans elected former pro wrestler Jesse “The Body” Ventura to be their governor.

2003: A German man who survived five days in the Alps in freezing temperatures by eating snow was fired because he missed work. He received written notification of his dismissal while doctors at the hospital were deciding whether to amputate six of his frost-bitten toes.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

0753: Death of St. Pirminius, first abbot of the Benedictine monastery at Reichenau (located in modern Germany). His name endures today as author of a book entitled “Scarapsus,” which is the earliest known writing to contain the Apostles’ Creed as it is worded in its present form.

1631: English clergyman John Eliot, 27, first arrived in America, at Boston. He afterward became the first Protestant minister to devote himself to evangelization of the American Indian.

1784: English clergyman Thomas Coke, 37, first arrived in America, at New York City. He was the first Methodist bishop to come to the New World.

1818: Pliny Fisk, 26, set sail for Palestine. Ordained by the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions, Fisk became the first American missionary to journey to the Near East.

1925: The Pentecostal Ministerial Alliance was organized at St. Louis, MO. It became the forerunner of a new denomination, established in 1932 as the Pentecostal Church, Inc.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Rocky 4, Masters of the Universe, Universal Soldier, The Expendables) Dolph Lundgren, 57

  • comedian/actor (“Boston Public”, The Net, “Saturday Night Live”) Dennis Miller 61

  • Godzilla is 62

  • Actress (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, No Dogs Allowed, Black Rain, The Quick And The Dead, Mrs. Steven Spielberg) Kate Capshaw 63

  • actress (Mimi on “The Drew Carey Show”) Kathy Kinney 63 (audio clip)

  • Actress/comic (“Roseanne” Jennifer Smith #2 on “General Hospital”, She Devil) Roseanne 64 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“F Troop’s” Capt. Wilton Parmenter, “Mayberry RFD’s” Sam Jones, “Mama’s Family’s” Vinton Harper, The Cat From Outer Space) Ken Berry 83 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1801 : Vincenzo Bellini

1930 : Mabel John

1933 : John Barry

1943 : Bert Jansch

1946 : Nick Simper (Johnny Kidd and the Pirates, Deep Purple)

1946 : Tommy Dee (John Fred and His Playboy Band)

1948 : Lulu

1954 : Adam Ant

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What’s the difference between table salt, sea salt, kosher salt, and rock salt?

Table salt is made by driving water into a salt deposit (mine) and evaporating the brine that is formed, leaving dried crystals that look like granulated sugar. Sea salt is what remains after seawater is trapped and evaporated. If you substitute sea salt in cooking or to flavor food, you may need to use more than table salt because it is less dense.  Kosher salt is made much the same way as table salt but is raked continuously during the evaporation process. This gives it a lighter, flakier texture. Kosher salt also is denser and more flavorful than table salt, used in pickling and conforms to Jewish dietary laws. Rock salt is table salt that is not refined and is not used in or on food.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

The NeedToBreathe Medical center in Nicaragua will officially open in January and the members of the band are inviting you to join them at the ceremony. The clinic was funded through contributions made by fans of the band and the members of NeedToBreathe plan to be there for its dedication January 19 through 22. They say that, for a donation of 10-thousand-dollars, you can join them for a VIP trip to celebrate the clinics official opening. http://www.needtobreathecares.org/

A thought on Christmas by Mercyme’s Bart Millard: Maybe cuz I’m getting older, but it seems right to start the Christmas season the day after Halloween. For practical and spiritual reasons. Bart went on to make his case for beginning Christmas right after Halloween:

1) more time to be in the holiday mood.

2) complain less about lights and decorations taking forever to put up and yet only up for such a short period of time.

3) thanksgiving is always better when the tree is already up.

4) complain less about lights and decorations taking forever to put up and yet only up for such a short period of time.

A reminder of just how far as cell phones have come from Paul Baloche. He shared a post this week looking back to the world’s first mobile phone. It released in 1983, weighed nearly two and a half pounds, and boasted 30 minutes of talk time while taking 10 hours to charge. The asking price: just under $4,000.

For King and Country is reporting a happy ending. They posted a picture of a group picketing outside their concert and said: they started outside picketing, but ended up joining us for the show and spirited conversation. https://twitter.com/4kingandcountry/status/792969461120667648/photo/1

Jimmy Needham was showing off his annual contribution to Reformation Day this week. He posted a picture of an intricately carved pumpkin and said: this year, Mr. John Bunyan. 1600’s author of The Pilgrims Progress. https://twitter.com/JimmyNeedham/status/793162519888003072/photo/1

Comedian Bob Smiley: Ran out of candy so the last 6 trick or treaters got my DVD’s. Changing subjects, EBay has 6 of my DVD’s for sale right now.

Plumb is taking a break from Instagram. She posted this week: Our tour manager suggested we fast from something and pray these next 10 days home. I’m going to fast from Instagram. So know I love you, and can’t wait to see and share what God has taught me…Til Nov 10.

Can’t find Mark Schultz?  Just look for him at the Westin Hotel in Nashville. He posted: They have a “room of donuts.” I’m never leaving .

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo take seriously the admonition: don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry. He says that’s why he was pilfering his kids Halloween candy before he left for the store.

Jonny Diaz posted a picture as he and his wife voted this week. Jonny clarified: Not smiling because we think the options are amazing….but, smiling because we live in a country where we still get to choose. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMPQeJfhGCX/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

With the end of daylight savings taking place this weekend, this is the longest week of the year.  ***You know, with the election coming up, this week is already going to be a long one — can we skip falling back an hour just this one year?

A new study by CareerBuilder has ranked U.S. metropolitan areas according to their likelihood of surviving a zombie apocalypse!  The study examined 53 of the largest metropolitan areas. The areas were ultimately judged by their defense against an imagined zombie-inflicted virus, their ability to contain it and their ability of finding a cure and food supply. So, it seems the ten worst cities to live during a zombie apocalypse are Detroit, Chicago, Tucson, Buffalo, Atlanta, Miami, Riverside (California), Los Angeles, Tampa and dead last is New York City! On the other hand, the top ten, starting with number one, are: Boston, Kansas City, Salt Lake City, Baltimore, San Diego, Seattle, Denver, Virginia Beach, Hartford and Minneapolis!  ***Honestly, Chicago having a zombie problem doesn’t surprise me at all – they already have dead rising from the graves in order to vote in next week’s election.

A Canadian brother and sister became the first people to spend the night in Dracula’s castle in Romania in 70 years Halloween night. They won the chance via a AirBNB contest. Oh and they slept in coffins. ***Fortunately, the only blood suckers were the mosquitoes… and the souvenirs vendors.

In Japan, a patient has been left badly burnt after she farted during surgery which caused a laser to burst into flames. ***You can’t make this stuff up, people!

Mariah Carey is blaming Scientology for the breakup between her and her billionaire fiancé. ***She wanted to blame George W. Bush, but Barack Obama said that quota has already been met.

Amazon started their Black Friday sales on November 1st.  ***It’s bad enough retailers are starting Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving Day, but now Amazon is starting the sales more than three weeks before Thanksgiving… and they are calling it a Black Friday sale despite starting on a TUESDAY.  What’s wrong with you people?!?!

Laurie Hernandez — 16-year-old two-time Olympic medalist-turned-Dancing with the Stars darling — has signed a deal to write her life story. The book will be called “I Got This: To Gold and Beyond.” ***Her life story?  She’s SIXTEEN!  This is one-fifth of her life story!

A woman in Fayetteville, North Carolina completed a half marathon run while pushing a stroller containing her triplets. ***It’s even more impressive when you realize she had to stop and pick up a thrown binkie every 18 seconds.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Radhakant Baijpai has been the Guinness record holder for longest ear hair since 2003.  Amazingly, in the time since his official recognition, the Indian grocer has been able to double the length of his world-beating tresses from five to 10 inches. Baijpai tells us that he uses a special herbal shampoo to help his ear hair to grow. *** We tried to get a phone interview with him, but he doesn’t hear well.

Researchers say that peeing in the ocean is actually good for marine life.  ***However, peeing in the swimming pool is not good for the Marines.

According to a new Yale study, some skin cancer survivors still like to tan. ***That’s like having survived the movie Pixels, and yet going back for another Adam Sandler picture.

Your cell phone may be harming your hearing, says author and researcher Naresh Panda, M.D.  She led a study of 100 cell phone users and the results show that four years of heavy cell phone use (about an hour a day) diminished the users’ ability to hear high frequencies, making it hard for them to distinguish between certain sounds.  ***MARLAR: At least, that’s what we think she said.  It was kinda hard to hear her over the phone.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Nations In Debt”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kerri Pomarolli, “Free Shampoo and Sausage”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear, Nozzles the Elephant, and Sully the Aardvark all traded their blue-handled tools to Racquet the Skunk so he’d make all of them custom badminton racquets. But Racquet has a plan… a way to make his friends keep buying more racquets so he can get rich…

CLOSE: Looks like we’re about to find out if these new racquets are going to be the racket Racquet wants them to be. That is, we’re going to find out if the new racquets break easily – forcing Racquets friends to buy new ones. Will Racquet’s scheme work? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 05/06

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…

CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Girl vs. locomotive… locomotive wins.

54-year-old Deborah Thompson, of Marysville CA tried to wave down a train to stop it.  As any normal person would expect, the train didn’t stop.  Instead it knocked Deborah about 20 to 30 yards.  From her hospital bed, she gave a perfectly reasonable explanation that she was just “being silly.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REAL PURPOSES FOR AREA 51

10. Toxic dump for Donald Trump’s used hair care products.

9. Storing deleted emails

8. That fellow had to dump all his Dyson Vacuum prototypes somewhere.

7. Original set for “Field of Dreams”

6. It is where the Wild Things are.

5. Breeding ground for Jerry Springer guests

4. Overflow parking for Area 50

3. Training ground for the top-secret flying attack elephant brigade

2. One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater Preserve

1. It’s really just a buffer zone; the aliens in Area 50 can’t get along with those in Area 52.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Three Oklahoma City men were arrested after playing “chicken” with a police car.

FILE #1: Oklahoma City Police said a 23-year-old man drove his car at the oncoming patrol car driven by Capt. J.D. Reid and didn’t move until Reid swerved out of the way. Reid then chased the car until it crashed. The driver was found inside the car, another 22-year-old man was found lying outside the vehicle, and a third man was found hiding behind a traffic sign. Two of the men were hospitalized and the third was treated and taken to jail.

FILE #2: In Murfreesboro, Tennessee, three teenagers decided to make a little extra holiday spending money. That’s MAKE, as in counterfeit. You know your counterfeiting career isn’t going far when you get found out by a waitress at a Sonic restaurant, who takes down your car’s license plate number and calls police. You know you really don’t have a future in counterfeiting when the FBI lets local police handle the matter and they charge you with only a misdemeanor.

FILE #3: Sitka, Alaska’s David Mulligan was released from jail at 7 AM after serving 25 days for drunken driving. At 7:03, the 21-year-old Mulligan was a wanted man again. A man who lives a block from the jail made the mistake of leaving his van running to warm it up and going back inside his house. Two hours later, the owner called police on a cell phone, saying he was following the van in traffic and cops soon found Mulligan behind the wheel. Mulligan now faces up to five years in prison and a $50,000 fine if convicted of felony vehicle theft.

STRANGE LAW: In Maryland it’s illegal to play Randy Newman’s “Short People” on the radio.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Some bad days are worse than others.

It just hasn’t been a good year for Geoffrey Crook. First off, a tornado ripped through Crook’s Palm Bay, Florida neighborhood in February. If that weren’t bad enough, the twister ripped the roof off his mobile home. If that weren’t bad enough, with his roof gone and his home exposed, authorities in helicopters surveying the damage were able to clearly see his elaborate marijuana-growing operation. Equipment and marijuana plants with a street value of about $8,000 were confiscated and Crook, like many a namesake, has been busted.

PHONER PHUN

The results of a newly released survey commissioned by SCA Tissue North America found that the cleanliness of restaurant bathrooms is a key factor in repeat business. According to the survey, 88% of those who visit restaurants believe that restroom cleanliness reflects the overall hygiene standards throughout the restaurant, including kitchen and food prep areas. Do you agree? If you find a restaurant’s restroom filthy and disarray, how likely are you to leave the restaurant or never return? What’s the worst bathroom you’ve ever seen? What would people say about your own cooking if they saw the state of your bathroom right now?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: If a man was to be punished by beating, he could not be beaten with more than how many stripes?

ANSWER: 40 (Deuteronomy 25:3)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: If offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write this. What is it?

ANSWER: Their own name.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Colgate Company started out making toothbrushes. (False – they began by making starch, soap, and candles.)

2. Over 80% of professional boxers have suffered brain damage. (True)

3. The average person walks the equivalent of once around the world in a lifetime. (False – it’s more like twice around the world!)

4. Rod Serling invented the term “Twilight Zone.” (False – although Rob Serling thought he did. He’d not heard anyone use it before, so he assumed he’d created it. However, after the hit TV show debuted in 1959, Serling was informed that Air Force pilots used the phrase to describe “a moment when a plane is coming down on approach and it cannot see the horizon.”)

5. Dark splotches on cooked chicken bones indicate where injuries happened when the bird was alive. (False. In cooked poultry, bones that have dark splotches merely indicate that the bird has been frozen. When poultry is frozen, the blood in the bone marrow ruptures. Upon thawing, the ruptured cells leak, which causes the discoloration. Cooking turns the red splotches dark brown.)

6. The average computer virus writer is between 10 and 13 years old. (False – the average age is 14-24, talented, bright, and driven by a rebellious, adolescent need to call attention to himself.)

7. It takes the human eyes an hour to adapt completely to seeing in the dark. (True – once adapted, however, the eyes are about 100,000 times more sensitive to light than they are in bright sunlight.)

8. As a youngster, Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek won seven spelling-bee and four science fair championships. (True)

9. The venom of a female black widow spider is more potent than that of a rattlesnake. (True)

10. For the 66% of American’s who admit to reading in the bathroom, the preferred reading material is the Bible. (False – it’s “Reader’s Digest.”)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

CONFIRMED, ________ FOUND IN SIBERIA! (BIGFOOT)

TASHTAGOL, Russia – The Wall Street Journal confirmed today that Bigfoot hunters had found the beast in Siberia.

The Wall Street Journal reported today that Russian Bigfoot Hunters found evidence of Bigfoot in  a cave in Siberia.

In a cave, Anatoly Fokin looked at hair samples and muddy footprints.  “I found some hair, some real hair,” he said, pulling the strands apart. “And here there are more—maybe it was a girl.”

Fokin says he found evidence that Bigfoot may have had a “girlfriend” with him.  Whether the girlfriend was human or beast – was not clear.  “But they clearly had ‘fun’ in the cave,” said Fokin.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”

“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”

“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

JOKE #2

During an Army war game, a Commanding Officer’s (CO) jeep got stuck in the mud. The CO saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

“Sorry, sir,” said one of the loafers, “but we’ve been classified dead, and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way.”

The CO turned to his driver and said, “Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.”

JOKE #3

It was the first time that the eight-year-old had been away to camp and his parents were worried about him. They called the camp and were a little sad that the child hadn’t missed them yet.

“Haven’t any of the other kids gotten homesick?” they asked.

“Only the ones who have dogs,” replied the boy.

USELESS FACTS

“Groaking” is the act of watching people eat food hoping they’ll offer you some.  ***Not that your dog cares what it’s called – he just wants some of that juicy bacon.

The DMV may soon be looking at you in their crime cases. The FBI has launched a project in North Carolina that uses state driver’s license photos and facial-recognition technology to track down crime suspects.  ***MARLAR: Gosh-awful driver’s license photos will now double as gosh-awful mug shots.

FEATURED FUNNIES

LET THERE BE LIGHT BULB JOKES

Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one: Their hands are already in the air.

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They use candles.

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: – Ten. One to change, nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten. One to call the electrician, and nine to say how much they like the old one better.

Q: How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Change?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Q: How many Jehovah’s Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It doesn’t matter; you won’t let them in to change it anyway.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

LOST SOMETHING?

Have you ever lost your mobile phone, your handheld computer, or maybe even your daughter? Chances are you left them in the back of a London cab.

If you own a cell phone, you’ve likely misplaced it at least once or twice. This kind of thing seems to be a plague in Britain though. About 62,000 mobile phones or nearly three for each taxi were left behind just since January. Cabbies also found 2,900 laptops and 1,300 handheld computers in their back seats. But only half of the lost phones were claimed, with many owners betting their operating service would replace the lost phone with a new and better telephonic gadget. Why? Because many mobile phone operating companies would rather give out new handsets than see their clients defect to rival services, which often try to lure customers by offering the latest mobile phones free for switching services. Among other strange items found in London cabs were a goldfish in a water-filled bag, a suitcase full of diamonds, $2,900 in cash, and someone even left behind their daughter! ***MARLAR: Really, do they give upgrades on those too?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

EVERYDAY SURVIVAL KIT

  • Toothpick
  • Rubber band
  • Band aid
  • Pencil
  • Eraser
  • Chewing gum
  • Mint
  • Candy Kiss
  • Tea Bag

Here’s why:

  • Toothpick – to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. (Matt. 7:1)
  • Rubber band – to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. (Romans 8:28)
  • Band Aid – to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else’s. (Col. 3:12-14)
  • Pencil – To remind you to list your blessings every day. (Eph. 1:3)
  • Eraser – to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s okay. (Gen. 50:15-21)
  • Chewing gum – to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. (Phil. 4:13)
  • Mint – to remind you that you are worth a mint to your heavenly father. (John 3:16-17)
  • Candy Kiss – to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug every day. (1 John 4:7)
  • Tea Bag – to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of Lord’s blessings. (1 Thess. 5:18)

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

I HURT FOR YOU

If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it. —1 Corinthians 12:26

When my sons were young, one of them stubbed his toe and grimaced with pain. Seeing him trying bravely to bear the agony of those moments, I said, “Son, I’m truly sorry. My toe hurts for you.”

Lifting his head, he looked at me and responded, “Dad, your toe doesn’t really hurt, does it?”

No, I didn’t sense any physical pangs, yet I did share his suffering. I even wished his ache could somehow be transferred to my body.

The apostle Paul said that all believers in Christ are part of “one body” (1 Corinthians 12:13). And if one part suffers, “all the members suffer with it” (v.26).

Are you grieved when a brother or sister in Christ is in trouble? Does it bother you when a believer stumbles into sin and is brought under the chastening hand of the Lord? Do you experience sorrow of heart when a child of God is passing through the deep waters of affliction and trial? If not, ask the Lord right now to help you become the kind of person who can share the heartache of others and sympathize with them.

Yes, to every Christian we meet who is in some kind of distress, we should be ready to say from our heart, “I hurt for you.” —Richard De Haan

The hurting ones need sympathy,
They need to know we’re there;
A quiet word, a tender touch
Assures them that we care. —D. De Haan

Empathy = your pain in my heart.

LEFTOVERS

GETTING THE LAST WORD

That’s one sure way to get the last word in an argument… speak at the other person’s funeral!

Pat Kobin and her husband Ken always joked about who would always get the last word in their playful arguments, so when Ken passed away from an ongoing illness, Pat finally did get the last word.  Pat decided to write an obituary that would be fun and typify their relationship.  She wrote that behind his “bullheaded” exterior, was a good man and listed all of things he enjoyed like football and watching TV, at one point listing “food” every other word.  Pat also said she plans to have Ken cremated with the TV remote control, too!

LIFE… LIVE IT

WANT TO BE DEPRESSED AND MISERABLE?

(From Charles B. Beckert, Ph.D.)

  • Really concentrate on mistakes that you’ve made, especially mistakes you can’t do anything about.

  • Always compare yourself to others. This works best when you compare your worst traits with their best traits.

  • When someone else has a problem, be sure to make it your problem too. For added misery, you can also find some way to blame yourself for their problems.

  • Spend as much time and energy as possible criticizing and judging yourself and everyone else. The longer the list of negatives about people, the better your misery.

  • Make sure you look at the bad side of everything. There’s always some bad to be found in every situation, but you may have to get creative in order to find it.

  • Be a perfectionist. Set goals for yourself and others that are way too high. This works best if you often remind yourself that you are not good enough. It also enhances the misery of others if you remind them that they’re not good enough either.

  • Hole-up in your room. Avoid friends and family, especially the ones who really love you.

  • Always strive to please everyone all the time. Make sure that you don’t waste any energy on making yourself happy.

  • Let your self-worth be decided by whether others like and accept you. A helpful hint is to do things you don’t be believe in and say things that you wouldn’t normally say in order to be accepted.

  • Base your worth as a person on how you look and what you have.

  • Don’t ever forgive yourself. Hold grudges against yourself when you don’t live up to your standards and the standards of others.

  • Avoid doing anything new or empowering. You definitely don’t want to risk success.

  • At all costs, avoid activities and people where you feel good about yourself. There are lots of people and places that support you in feeling worthless and miserable…spend as much time as possible there.

  • Make sure that your self-worth is based on whether or not you have a boyfriend. Settle for some loser that treats you really badly so that you won’t be without a boyfriend.

  • Some people find that they are miserable being miserable. If this is you, you might try doing the absolute opposite of all the strategies above and see what wonderful things happen!

JUST FOR FUN

EYES GLUED SHUT

If it looked like Glady’s Wyse was winking all day, it wasn’t because she wanted to.

…the 43-year-old woman from New Jersey accidentally super glued one of her eyelids shut! Unable to open her eye, Wyse called the police department. A rescue squad was sent to her home and took her to St. Clare’s Hospital in Dover, New Jersey, where she was treated and released. Doctors don’t expect permanent damage. Gladys said the accident happened when she reached for a bottle of eye drops, but grabbed a container of super glue instead! It wasn’t until she “applied” some of the contents did she realize her mistake! ***MARLAR: Who keeps the Super Glue next to the eye drops?

FUN LIST

GETTING OLDER?

  • You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

  • You’re getting old is when work is a lot less fun – and fun is a lot more work.

  • Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

  • You’re getting old when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

  • Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

  • A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

  • You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

  • When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

  • You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can’t remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

IN-LAW AWARD

While most people say how much they hate their in laws and can’t stand to be around them, Italy has decided to have a mother-in-law contest to reward the good ones!

Sure, it’s great to make jokes about the in-laws; I’m sure our in-laws find them funny as well because they have in-laws of their own. But actually CELEBRATE your mother-in-law? That’s just not natural, is it? But those Italians have gone and ruined it for the rest of us and have shown that not all mothers-in-law are worth the trouble that we give them. A 56-year-old Italian woman has been awarded the title of “Miss Mother in Law International”. Lucia Brugnone won the contest for her singing performance of “O sole mio”, which was described as “stunning”. Some 50 mothers in law showed off skills ranging from singing to sock-mending and cat-walking in the contest in Italy. (Because, a good mother-in-law does those kinds of things in Italy, I guess.) Mothers in law were judged by the lifeguards association of Rimini, which organized the contest. The second prize was won by Maria Cascinari, who is 87, for the “longest running activity in taking care of her sons’ family”. ***MARLAR: So FIRST prize goes to someone that can sing beautifully, but SECOND prize goes to someone that sacrifices her time and resources to take care of her son’s family? It’s more important for a mother in law to sing than to be a mother?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Night owls may have fun and even get a lot done when everyone else is sleeping and they’re roaming the house alone. But they’re also more likely to get fat. Why? if they’re awake, they’re more likely to eat junk food. Popcorn or ice cream anyone? During the tests, eating habits and weight of the control group didn’t change from their regular pattern, the sleep-deprived participants started eating additional calories — which added up to a whopping 550 extra calories daily — between 10pm and 4am. Also, the foods they selected in the wee hours of the night contained more fat. What is it that prompts us to eat late at night? Dr. W. Christopher Winter, medical director of the Martha Jefferson Sleep Medicine Center in Charlottesville, VA., says it’s likely hormonal changes that occur when we are sleep-deprived.

When a large space rock flew past Earth on Sunday evening, astronomers already knew it was not going to hit the planet or pose danger to any cities, thanks to their new computer program called Scout. According to CBN, Scout is a new tool NASA has developed in order to detect potentially dangerous asteroids. The program is described as an alert system that constantly scans data from telescopes to see if there are any reports of “Near Earth Objects.” When it finds something close to Earth it makes a fast calculation to see if the planet is at risk and directs other telescopes to check if the risk is legitimate. http://go.cbn.com/14062

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are some of the most unliked candidates in political history. But how do they compare with other stack up against other countries, government organizations, and other new worthy items? The Washington post used net favorability to compare their popularity over time. Not surprisingly, the results show that the two candidates are seen as less favorable than facebook, Apple, and Olympic figure skating. However, they also ranks below China, Veterans affairs, and the IRS. However, Trump and Clinton didn’t come in at the bottom of the scale. Both candidates were still more popular then Congress and Vladimir Puten. http://wapo.st/2eXWwL0

A wearable skin patch may help children who are allergic to peanuts by delivering small doses of peanut protein. According to ABC News, The study found that nearly half of those treated with the Viaskin Peanut patch for one year were able to consume at least 10 times more peanut protein than they were able to prior to treatment. The biggest benefit came for those from 4 years old to 11 years old. Participants older than 12 didn’t see as much of an effect. http://abcn.ws/2fyCjiA

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If I ever won the lottery, I would lie around all day and do nothing. But since that’s pretty much what I do now, I guess I’m one lucky guy. –Tom Sims

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. –Carl Bard

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 28, 2016…

The Eagle Huntress—Here is a beautifully filmed documentary (true story) of a young girl in Mongolia who wants to become an eagle trainer/hunter. This is something only men of that area have done for generations, or even centuries. How to catch a baby bird, how to become friends with the wild creature—all this is shown. However, she must go against tradition. “The Eagle Huntress” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of birds.

Inferno—Tom Hanks, fresh off “Scully,” now takes on the role of Robert Langdon in Dan Brown’s novel concerning deciphering clues from “Dante’s Inferno.” Of course, there is a villain to stop him, and Felicity Jones is there as Hanks’ partner in the search.  “Inferno” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of Dan Brown’s works.

Rings—Oh, yes, Halloween must be near. You thought the video tapes were gone? Ha. It is back cursing anyone who watches it and this includes Alex Roe and Matilda Lutz. “Rings” is rated R. No rating.

NOVEMBER 04, 2016…

Bleed  For This is the story of a boxer, who suffered a near fatal injury in an accident and goes back into the ring. Stars Miles Teller.

Doctor Strange is adapted from a comic book and has Benedict Cumberbatch in the title role.

Hacksaw Ridge with Andrew Garfield (former Spider-Man) is based on the true story of a conscientious objector in WWII. Mel Gibson directs.

Loving is a true story about the romance between a white man (Joel Edgerton) and a back woman (Ruth Negga).

Trolls is an animated film on the lives of the little troll dolls. Remember them? One of the voices is Justin Timberlake.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.