November 04, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161104

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

More than one-third of Americans say they have left the TV or radio on for their dog or cat. ***This probably explains the increasing rate of violence among pets. (On second thought, I need all of the listeners I can get… so feel free to leave the radio on for Princess Pussycat.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, love your neighbor as yourself.” –Luke 10:27

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. –Proverbs 18:24

Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. — Romans 13:1

This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did. — 1 John 2:5-6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Who should not revere you, O King of the nations? This is your due. Among all the wise men of the nations and in all their kingdoms, there is no one like you. — Jeremiah 10:7

Thought: Presidents, kings, and rulers have a host of “wise” and diplomatic counselors. Many also surround themselves with people of power and wealth. There is, however, only One King of the Nations! There is only One who will truly and ultimately rule over all peoples of the earth. He is beyond compare and has no worthy rival. All creatures, great and small, will one day revere him and honor his holy name. Let’s make sure we do it today!

Prayer: You are worthy, my God and Father, of all glory and power. You have no rival — either in reality or in my heart. Thank you for blessing me with your grace. Why you should care for me when you have such power and majesty I’m not completely sure, but I thank you and praise you. I thank you for adopting me into your royal family by your grace. I praise you for the great and gracious purity and righteousness that you have poured out on me. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Luke 11:4 NIV = Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – NOVEMBER 03, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
53 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is WILL ROGERS DAY, always celebrated on the day of his birth (Nov. 4th, 1879).  ***My favorite quote from Will is, “What this country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.”  You gotta love that man.

Today is HONEYMOON DAY.  ***As opposed to “Moon Your Honey Day” which can land you on the sofa.

Today is REVERSE BITE DAY, a day to tilt your head in the other direction to eat your taco. ***I tried this last night and made a complete mess. It’s a lot harder than it sounds.

Today is NATIONAL CANDY DAY.  ***Are they kidding? It’s more like “Get Rid of Your Leftover Halloween Candy Day!”

Today is SADIE HAWKINS DAY. ***Sorry ladies, I’m already spoken for. Whew! (audio clip)

SADIE HAWKINS DAY – according to Wikipedia.com

In Li’l Abner, Sadie Hawkins was the daughter of one of Dogpatch’s earliest settlers, Hekzebiah Hawkins. The “homeliest gal in all them hills”, she grew frantic waiting for suitors to come a-courtin’. When she reached the age of 35, still a spinster, her father was even more frantic – about Sadie living at home for the rest of his life. In desperation, he called together all the unmarried men of Dogpatch and declared it “Sadie Hawkins Day”. Specifically, a foot race was decreed, with Sadie in hot pursuit of the town’s eligible bachelors – and matrimony as the consequence.

“When ah fires [my gun], all o’ yo’ kin start a-runnin! When ah fires agin – after givin’ yo’ a fair start – Sadie starts a runnin’. Th’ one she ketches’ll be her husbin.” The town spinsters decided that this was such a good idea, they made Sadie Hawkins Day a mandatory yearly event, much to the chagrin of Dogpatch bachelors. In the satirical spirit that drove the strip, many sequences revolved around the dreaded Sadie Hawkins Day race. If a woman caught a bachelor and dragged him, kicking and screaming, across the finish line before sundown – he had to marry her!

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

National Chicken Lady Day

National Candy Day

LoveYourLawyerDay

Punkin Chunkin

Use Your Common Sense Day

National Medical Science Liaison Awareness & Appreciation Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 05

Digital Scrapbooking Day

National Love Your Red Hair Day

Pumpkin Destruction Day

Sadie Hawkins Day

Sausage and Kraut Day

Stout Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 06

Daylight Saving Time Ends @2:00am (turn clocks back 1 hour)

International Day for Preventing the Exploitation of the Environment in War and Armed Conflict

National Nachos Day

Saxophone Day

Zero Tasking Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 07

Employee Brotherhood Day

Fill Our Staplers Day

International Merlot Day

Job Action Day

National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day

National Canine Lymphoma Awareness Day

Traffic Directors Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 08

Abet and Aid Punsters Day

Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day

Dunce Day

Election Day

National Parents as Teachers Day

National S.T.E.M./S.T.E.A.M. Day

National Young Readers’ Day

X-Ray Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 09

Kristallnacht

World Freedom Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10

Area Code Day

International Tempranillo Day

Marine Corps Birthday

NET Cancer Awareness Day

Sesame Street Day

Windows Day (Microsoft)

World Science Day for Peace and Development

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11

Death/Duty Day

Origami Day

Red Lipstick Day

Veterans Day

ON THIS DAY

1879: James and John Ritty of Dayton, Ohio, patented the cash register. ***And we’ve been giving angels their wings ever since.

1939: Air conditioners in cars were introduced in Chicago by Packard Motor Company.

1976: The first major league baseball free-agent draft occurred. Reggie Jackson signed a 5-year, $2.9-million deal with the Yankees.

1980: Ronald Reagan won the White House, defeating President Carter by a strong margin.

1989: Rookie NBA center David Robinson started his first home game in San Antonio by throwing up right on the court. Instead of nerves, however, he blamed a bad fajita he’d eaten in Milwaukee. ***Yeah right – like anyone goes to Wisconsin for Mexican food.

1995: Using an air-pressure cannon, Harry Lackhove shot a pumpkin 2,655 feet in Lewes, Delaware, to win the state’s Punkin’ Chuckin’ Contest. His friends called Harry “Captain Speed.”

1997: Michael Varriano defeated Jeff Fowler for the vacant seat on the Dilworth City, Minnesota, city council. Final vote: 457 to 456.

2002: A Yugoslav Army paratrooper survived a drop from 3,300 feet after both his parachutes malfunctioned. 40-year-old Dragan Curcic escaped with minor cuts and bruises when he fell through the roof of an army building. The veteran jumper was so shocked he rested almost two days before jumping again.

2007: Embarrassed county legislative candidate Domenic Volpe in White Plains, New York, had to call and apologize to 150 people who complained about an automated telephone call that awakened them at 2:00 a.m. He was lucky; some 3,000 calls where placed at 2:00 a.m. instead of 2:00 p.m. by mistake. Volpe himself was also awakened by the call. He did not win the election.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1646: The Massachusetts Bay Colony passed a law making it a capital offense to deny that the Bible was the Word of God. Any person convicted of the offense was liable to the death penalty.

1740: Birth of Anglican clergyman Augustus M. Toplady. A highly respected evangelical leader, Toplady authored the hymn “Rock of Ages” two years before his premature death at 38 in 1778.

1898: The first church to bear the Pentecostal Holiness name was organized at Goldsboro, NC, under the leadership of Methodist evangelist Ambrose Blackman Crumpler, 35.

1936: Future U.S. Senate Chaplain Rev. Peter Marshall, 34, married Catherine Wood, 22. Following Peter’s premature death at age 46, Catherine immortalized his name through her 1951 bestselling biography, “A Man Called Peter.”

1966: London’s “Evening Standard” newspaper published John Lennon’s controversial remark stating that the Beatles were “more popular than Jesus.” The quote touched off a storm of controversy and international protest, resulting in a world-wide boycott of Beatles music.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Contact, EDtv, Reign of Fire) Matthew McConaughey, 47
  • TV host (“Survivor”) Jeff Probst, 54 (audio clip)
  • Actor (The Karate Kid) Ralph Macchio, 55
  • Actress (“Night Court”) Markie Post, 66 (audio clip)
  • Former First Lady Laura Bush is 70
  • Actress (Hot Lips/Margaret Houllihan on “M*A*S*H”) Loretta Swit, 79 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1938 : Harry Elston (Friends Of Distinction)

1940 : Delbert McClinton

1947 : Mike Smith (Amen Corner)

1953 : Van Stephenson (Blackhawk)

1954 : Yanni

1955 : Chris Difford (Squeeze)

1956 : James Honeyman-Scott (The Pretenders)

1965 : Jeff Scott Soto (Journey, Yngwie Malmsteen band)

1969 : Puff Daddy

1971 : Shawn Rivera (Az Yet)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What is a “key grip”?

In the USA, a grip is a person responsible for the adjustment and maintenance of production equipment on the set. Their typical duties include laying dolly tracks or erecting scaffolding. In the UK, grips work exclusively with equipment that the camera is mounted on.  A key grip is the chief of a group of grips, and works closely with the gaffer (the head of the electrical department, responsible for the design and execution of the lighting plan for a production).

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Christian artist Jimmy Needham has recently been ministering in a little different format. Jimmy says he spent the past two months teaching 11 men at Stonegate Church how to study God’s Word. He added that he has traveled the world, but has never experienced a joy like this.

Kerrie Roberts may want to consider cutting back on her travel. She posted: unpacking my suitcase, into another suitcase.

Plumb says she and her kids have a new tradition before she leaves town. She said they always go out for Mexican popsicles. Plumb added: sugar them up for Daddy.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLwfCKqjZAJ/

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says it’s hard to eat healthy on the road but she has come up with a plan. She posted: I’m prepping all my meals for this weekend. Megan has a specific reason for making sure her meals are healthy. She added: I’m so close to my 100-pound goal.

A word of advice from Jamie Grace. She posted it cool and don’t let your iRobot Roomba run when you’re not at home. Jamie says it took her forever to find hers when she returned back from her latest concert swing.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard just confirmed it: coffee is medicine.

Switchfoot is throwing a Cold Turkey Party, because who doesn’t like leftovers. On the day after Thanksgiving they invite you to fix yourself a cold turkey and mashed potato sandwich and tune in while Live Nation TV broadcasts their Hollywood Palladium show LIVE across the world on November 25th.

http://switchfoot.com/switchfoot-cold-turkey-party-live-hollywood-palladium

Sidewalk Prophets frontman Dave Frey said you know you’re back home in Indiana when the local Mexican restaurant has a bottle of ketchup on the table with the Colts logo on the front. We’re not sure if he was referring to being so far north that they have ketchup at a Mexican restaurant rather than salsa or the fact that there was a Colts logo on the ketchup bottle.

Building 429’s Aaron Branch was showing off his latest purchase this week. It was a recycled firefighter Captains Bi-Fold wallet. Aaron says the wallets are made from recycled fire hoses, combat boot leather, and other materials.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMRdET3jGOH/

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer grew up in Florida and lived in Texas for the vast majority of his life. Now he lives in Tennessee and he posted: to live where the leaves change colors has been one of my favorite parts of living in Tennessee.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A new survey found one in four people say political talk at work is negatively affecting them and their productivity.  ***So do your co-workers a favor and just stick to talking about racism and religion.

In China, a man who murdered his parents tried to cover up the crime — by killing 17 of their neighbors.  ***If your entire neighborhood is found dead, and you are the only one remaining alive and unharmed, you’re going to be a suspect.

Nicaragua’s president Daniel Ortega is running for re-election with a new running mate: his wife.  ***And Donald Trump is kicking himself for not thinking of it first.

Arby’s sold out of venison sandwiches on the first day they offered them. ***The Christmas spirit has arrived early this year!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

If you’re trying to score her phone number, big guy, do it on a sunny day. A French psychologist asked five attractive guys to hit on 500 total women where the goal was to get a phone number. The guys were much more likely to grab her number if the skies were clear and sunny rather than full of clouds.  ***Meaning residents of Seattle will be single forever.

Why people stutter has long been a medical mystery, with the condition blamed over the years on emotional problems, overbearing parents and browbeating teachers. Now, for the first time, scientists have found genes that could explain some cases of stuttering.  ***They soon plan on naming the specific gene that causes stuttering once they can all agree on a name that doesn’t contain the letters S, P or T.

Cigarette smoking is pervasive in movies.  That’s according to a National Cancer Institute report which says tobacco marketing and showing smoking in movies promote youth smoking. The report says smoking is seen in three out of four or more, of contemporary box-office hits. And, it says identifiable cigarette brands appear in about one-third of movies. One of the recommendations suggested by the editors of the report is to put anti-tobacco advertisements before films “to partially counter the impact of tobacco portrayals in movies.”  ***Because that will be SO much more effective than that “this product will kill you” label that’s already on the cigarette pack.

The best studies are the ones that tell us we are not alone. A survey from an international conference call company (from Intercall) finds that when you occasionally zone out on conference calls, you’re participating in a national pastime. More than 60 percent of respondents admitted to doing other work or sending an email while on a conference call.  ***Or shopping eBay… or putting the phone on mute and watching Netflix… or putting the phone on mute to go to the bathroom… not that I’ve done any of those thing.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Sign Maker Strike”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Hockey”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk was commissioned to make new badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles. But when he realized that they’d never have to buy more racquets after that, he designed them with a flaw so they break easily – meaning they’d have to buy new racquets, keeping Racquet in business. Will his dishonesty pay off? We’re about to find out…

CLOSE: Ah ha… looks like Racquet’s scheme is about to backfire on him. I’m sure he didn’t mean for all of the racquets to break so soon. Will he apologize to his friends and make it right, or will he try to get out of trouble by being dishonest again? We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 05/06

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…

CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What’s more embarrassing than getting locked out of the house?  How about getting stuck in the “doggie door” trying to get back in! 

A 31-year-old and her friend were dog-sitting for some friends when they returned to the house late one night and realized they had forgotten the house keys. One of the women managed to squeeze the top half of her body through the dog flap, but the bottom half of her body proved to be too tricky. Thankfully her friend was there to call the fire department for assistance. Firemen tried pushing on her backside and pulling her by the thighs but couldn’t budge her. Eventually they had to cut out part of the door to release the very embarrassed woman.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS TO SIT UP FRONT AT CHURCH

10. Statistics show that the front of the church building is the safest in the event of natural disaster.

9. You can see if anything’s caught between the preacher’s teeth. Then watch him as you smile and point.

8. There’s still lots of padding in these seats since they’re almost like new.

7. You only have to comb the back of your hair and iron the back of your shirt/blouse.

6. It’s easier to trip the Ushers and Deacons.

5. No one will hear your stomach make all those “alien” noises.

4. You’re the Treasurer and want to keep your eye on the collection.

3. You want to justify that feeling you’ve always had that everyone’s looking at you.

2. You’re mad at everyone in the church and want to make sure no one sits beside you.

1. You actually love worshiping God and feeding on His Word!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

How do you drive yourself to the police station to pick up your driver’s license if your driver’s license has been suspended?

FILE #1: Emmett Ayers found himself in a predicament when he was posed with this situation. The 20 year olds driver’s license was taken during a driver’s license check by police the week before, so he needed to drive to the station to go get it. However, he had been arrested twice before for driving while his license was suspended. So what was he to do? He talked his 4-year-old nephew into driving him to the station. As they pulled in, deputies saw a child driving the car by standing in the driver’s seat behind the wheel, with Ayers working the gas and brake pedals from the passenger’s seat. He was arrested and charged with allowing a minor to drive, reckless endangerment and failing to use a child restraint. Hard to believe this guy ever lost his license in the first place, huh?

FILE #2: Police in Saudi Arabia have arrested four men accused of conning their victims out of almost 2.5 million dollars! The con men sold their victims a special chemical that they said could grow money! Just put the special chemical on black paper and watch it turn in to cash. They were selling a bottle of the special chemical for $100.

FILE #3: A DeKalb, Illinois woman tried to rob a sub shop using a knife. Her face was recorded on the store’s security cameras. Three days later, that very same woman waltzed into the police department to discuss an unrelated matter. Police who were happy to see a familiar face.

STRANGE LAW: In Boston, Massachusetts it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

We used to ask “Where’s the Beef” – now we might have to ask, “Where’s the marijuana?”! 

The food at the Los Lunas, New Mexico, Burger King has gone to pot. Two police officers were eating their burgers until realizing that something was wrong. When one officer noted his burger tasted like it had marijuana in it, they opened the burgers and discovered the green, leafy substance on top of the meat was not lettuce. Officials say that the officers began acting odd after eating the marijuana. Three Burger King employees were arrested and charged with possession of marijuana and aggravated battery on an officer, which is a felony.

PHONER PHUN

Today is HONEYMOON DAY.  What funny things happened to you during your honeymoon?  Scary things?  What went completely wrong during your honeymoon that you now look back on laugh about?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to Paul, how many people saw Jesus after His resurrection?
ANSWER: More than five hundred (1 Corinthians 15:6 = “After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep.”)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In 1996, Louisville, Kentucky, police released two Chicago men of Palestinian descent from jail when the white powder found in their car turned out to be something other than illegal drugs.  What was it?

ANSWER: Dried yogurt, which is common in Middle East countries. The men had told police for two days that’s what it was.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The vocabulary of the average U.S. adult consists of about 2,000 words. (False – it’s 5,000 to 6,000 words)

2. Women shoplift more often than men. (True – the statistics are 4 to 1.)

3. The only place where a flag flies all day, never goes up or comes down, never flies half-mast and does not get saluted, is the moon. (True)

4. America’s first minimum wage was $1.18 per hour back in 1938. (False – the minimum wage back then was only 25-cents.)

5. Maxwell House was the first coffee to be sold in sealed tin cans in the United States in 1879. (False, it was Chase and Sanborn coffee.)

6. The first gold brought back by Christopher Columbus from the Americas was used to gild the ceiling of a Church. (True – the Church of Santa Maria Maggiore in Rome. The ceiling and the gold are still there.)

7. The thumb is controlled by a different part of the brain than the rest of the fingers. (True! The thumb is such a major player in the human body that it has a special section, separate from the area that controls the fingers, reserved for it in the brain.)

8. Parrots rarely can speak more than twenty words no matter how well trained they are. (True. However, Tymhoney Greys and African Greys have been known to carry vocabularies in excess of 100 words.)

9. The average American eats eight-and-a-half pounds of pickles a year. (True. Dill pickles are twice as popular as sweet.)

10. More redheads are born in Ireland than in any other country. (False – more are born in Scotland: 11 percent of its population has red hair.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

HALLOWEEN CANDY MAKES KIDS _________ (SMARTER)

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study out of the Harvard School of Nutrition shows that children who eat bags of Halloween candy have higher IQs.

The comprehensive study took place over the last forty years.   A world renowned nutritional expert, Dr.  Rosa Blanton of the Oxford University, worked closely with the Harvard scientists who studied candy and its effects on children.

Generally, children that eat a lot of candy tend to do poorly on standardized tests, but children that eat Halloween candy tend to over-perform (by a wide margin) on standardized tests and those children that ate large quantities of Halloween candy year after year, had the highest IQs of all children evaluated in the study.

“We were not surprised that eating too much sugary candies had an adverse effect on children, but we were shocked to see the positive benefits of Halloween candy,” said Dr. Blanton.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A young man joins an order of monks and takes a vow of silence. However, he’s promised by the head monk that he can speak two words per year.

After the first year the head monk asks him his two words for the year.

He replies, “More blankets.”

After his second year the head monk asks him again his two words for the year.

He replies, “More food.”

After the third year the head monk asks him his two words for the year.

He replies, “I’m leaving.”

The head monk says, “Thank goodness… you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!”

JOKE #2

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn’t have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?”

“Yes, I do, officer,” she replied.

“Well,” asked the officer, “do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?”

JOKE #3

A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting. When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes–they were gone. He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck. Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belonged. “Has anyone seen my hamster?”

USELESS FACTS

Iguanas can and do commit suicide.  ***Usually after hearing a Justin Bieber song.

A study by Wisconsin University found 13% of the U.S. general population are severely shy.  ***However, this cannot be verified, as 13% of those surveyed sat silent with red faces, sweaty palms, and refused to answer any questions whatsoever.

When girls outgrow their Barbie dolls, torturing them is normal. That’s the conclusion researchers at Great Britain’s University of Bath who say the types of mutilation are varied and creative and range from removing the hair to decapitation, burning, breaking and even microwaving.  ***This study brought to you by Rob Zombie.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THINGS YOU WISH YOU’D HEAR

FROM YOUR AUTO MECHANIC:
“That part is much less expensive than I thought.”
“I’ve never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.”
“You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.”
“It was just a loose wire – No charge.”

FROM YOUR DAUGHTER/SON’S PRESCHOOL TEACHER:
“Everyone misbehaved today, except Mary/Michael.”
“Mary/Michael traded her/his candy bar for carrot sticks.”
“I wish we had 20 Marys/Michaels.”

FROM A STORE CLERK:
“The computerized cash register is down. I’ll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper.”
“We’re sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We’ll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund – whichever you prefer.”

FROM A CONTRACTOR:
“Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing.”
“I think I came in a little high on that estimate.”

FROM A DENTIST:
“I think you’re flossing too much.”
“I won’t ask any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth.”

FROM A RESTAURANT SERVER:
“I think it’s presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it’s Tim.”
“I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CHIP ON HER SHOULDER

If Joan Stock doesn’t seem to be keeping up with technology, it’s because her health depends on it…

… the 79-year-old woman is “allergic” to microchips! She suffers from blinding headaches when she goes near computers or hi-tech equipment. Considering that microchips are everywhere now, it appears that she’s stuck in the 1970’s. She and her husband watch TV on a 25-year-old black and white set, drive and old Ford and can only shop where they use old manual cash registers. Her allergy has been diagnosed as a reaction to the electromagnetic radiation generated by microchips.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate yourself:

1. Am I walking by faith or by sight?

2. Am I led by the Spirit or by my flesh? (Am I dying to self so Christ can live?)

3. Am I growing in my knowledge of God and His Word?

4. Am I faithful to pray?

5. Am I ministering to others in love? (my family, friends, church, and community)

6. Am I experiencing and expressing love for my heavenly Father?

7. Am I obedient to God’s laws and God’s leading? (Do I treat others as God wants them treated?)

8. Am I sharing the gospel with others?

9. Am I responding to adversity with faith and trust?

10. Am I righteous, pure, and holy?

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A THIRD GRADER?

If enjoying the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet on TV means anything, then I must like science.  I’ve always been fascinated by the scientific mysteries of the universe. But if a list of questions intended for third- through fifth-graders means anything, I don’t know enough about science to make up a halfway decent hypothesis.  I noticed these questions in a contest designed to help discover which kids among the 9-to-12-year-old set really know their science. Here are some of the questions:

  • Number of states that the Mississippi River flows through or touches. (What do I look like, a walking map?)
  • Number of nanometers in a measurement of 27,000 picometers. (What would someone do with 27,000 picometers, anyway?)
  • Number of complete trips Phobos makes around Mars each day. (What is a Phobos?)
  • B-vitamin number of niacin. (Vitamins have numbers? Since when?)
  • Number of bones in a human hand, including the wrist. (Oh, yeah, throw in the wrist just to make it hard!)
  • Number of salivary glands in a human, not including the buccal glands. (We have buccal glands?)

Sure, it’s important that we learn all we can about science, and it’s great when students have a wide array of knowledge. But there’s a different kind of knowledge that we can never have enough of… Bible knowledge.  We can never know all of God’s precepts and teachings.  So, begin right now to become as well-educated as you can be in God’s Word. Get some books you can use as study guides, and begin to systematically study the Bible. Keep notebooks. Keep journals. Ask questions.  If third-graders know about nanometers and niacin, shouldn’t we all be equally adept at discussing grace and salvation?  It’s a lifelong education that needs to begin now.

LEFTOVERS

DEAD, OR JUST RUNNING FOR OFFICE?

A dead man has been found to still be working… as a politician!

A Japanese woman has been ordered to repay a life insurance claim after her supposedly dead husband was found working – as a politician. The woman received a large sum of insurance money after claiming her husband had died in a car accident in Pakistan. Another insurance company uncovered the fraud when she applied for a second payout. Tokyo District Court has ordered the woman to repay the money but police have been unable to track her down. Investigations showed she had submitted false accident reports and a false death certificate. They found her 34-year-old husband had won a local election in his home country of Pakistan a year after he was reported dead.

LIFE… LIVE IT

CHILDHOOD IS OVER

I celebrated my 43rd birthday on November 1st. And I have to tell you that I am actually beginning to FEEL old now. They say life begins at forty, and that might be true (I’ve yet to see that), but one thing is for sure… childhood is OVER. I came to this realization after noticing a few things in my life. For example…

  • Just one peanut butter sandwich doesn’t do it anymore.

  • Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun.

  • The average 10-year-old doesn’t have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

  • Being bad is no longer cool.

  • Saturday mornings are for sleeping in.

  • I’m now taller than the slide at the McDonald’s Playland.

  • My parents’ jokes are now funny.

  • Naps are good.

  • When things go wrong, I can no longer yell, “Do-over!”

  • I actually buy gloves, and sunscreen now.

  • I leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

  • I want clothes for Christmas.

  • I used to love my 1980 Camaro, when I was eighteen. But now I don’t want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.

  • I look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, and wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it’s a shot of me from behind.

  • I used to say, “What-chu talkin’ ’bout Willis?”

  • I know it might make me sound like an old fuddy-duddy, but I use terms like “old fuddy-duddy.”

  • I once deemed Donkey Kong as “The best game ever.”

JUST FOR FUN

A PERFECT MATCH

Basant Jain and his wife Anita are a perfect match — literally.

Basant Jain and his wife Anita, from India, have dressed in matching colors everyday throughout the course of their marriage and pledge to dress identically until the day they die. The two have become celebrities in their town as well. Basant, who runs a small bookstore with his wife, said initially that shopkeepers were puzzled by their demand for the same clothes. But as their fame spread, traders began to bring special matching clothes for them from wholesale markets. ***MARLAR: The only time they have a problem is after dinner. That’s when she has to check his shirt to see which condiments she needs to spill on herself to match him again.

FUN LIST

 WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS:

  • “I’m going fishing.” Really means: “I’m going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

  • “It’s a guy thing.” Really means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

  • “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

  • “It would take too long to explain.” Really means: “I have no idea how it works.”

  • “I’m getting more exercise lately.” Really means: “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

  • “We’re going to be late.” Really means: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

  • “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” Really means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

  • “That’s interesting, dear.” Really means: “Are you still talking?”

  • “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.” Really means: “I forgot our anniversary again.”

  • “I do help around the house.” Really means: “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

  • “I can’t find it.” Really means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

  • “What did I do this time?” Really means: “What did you catch me doing?”

  • “You look terrific.” Really means: “For heaven’s sake, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

  • “I missed you.” Really means: “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THE LEAST EXPECTED PRODUCTS USING NANO-TECHNOLOGY

It probably wouldn’t surprise owners of ultrathin cell phones or tiny iPod Nanos to discover that these miniature electronic miracles take advantage of the latest advances in nanotechnology, the science of rearranging atoms to create new materials and products. But would you expect to find tiny technology at work in the paint on your walls? In your perfumed night cream? In the seat of your pants? Though you can’t see it, nanotechnology is everywhere now, expanding the utility and appeal of basic products from cosmetics to all types of clothing.

  • Golf balls and tennis rackets: Manufacturers are always looking for the best new design to improve your score, but this sports equipment is truly high tech. Wilson previously made its nCode tennis rackets of standard carbon, but now uses nanotechnology to pack extra atoms between the carbon atoms to make the rackets stronger, but just as light. A nano-coating on NDliNX golf balls is meant to make them soar faster and feel firmer when hit, thanks to a higher-density polymer layer on the outside of the ball.

  • Stain-resistant khaki pants and ties: Ever wonder how those so-called stain resistant pants stay so clean? Dockers, Lands End and Brooks Brothers carry khaki pants and neckties whose fabrics have been redesigned to pack extra atoms between the fabric atoms to help repel liquids on the surface.

  • Shoe inserts and socks: Suffer from cold feet? Originally designed for NASA, Polarwrap has created its Toasty Feet inserts with built-in nano-size pockets of air to improve insulation and make them lightweight. Millions of nano-size silver particles are knitted into Sharper Image’s Antibacterial Silver Athletic and Lounging Socks to make them antibacterial and antifungal.

  • Food storage containers: These plastic containers are not your mother’s Tupperware. The polypropylene of Fresherlonger Miracle Storage containers is infused with nano-size silver particles that make it resistant to mold, fungus and bacteria.

  • Men’s razors: The FX Diamond razor uses nanotechnology to create a coating on its blades to make them more durable. Adding nano-particles to the blade metal increases the density, and thus the hardness. The Panasonic Arc electronic razor uses nano-particles in its blades to increase their sharpness.

  • Skin cream: Both L’Oreal and Lancome use nano-size “microlifters” in some of their face and eye wrinkle-reducing creams. These create a micro-size netting of molecules on the skin intended to smooth out wrinkles and reduce puffiness.

  • Household paint: Behr (bare) kitchen and bathroom paint is designed with nano-particles that increase the density of the paint to prevent the growth of mold and mildew on the walls.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you want to sleep better at night, then change your diet. People who eat less fiber and more saturated fat and sugar are far more likely to experience lighter, less restorative and more disruptive sleep, according to researchers from Columbia University Medical Center in New York City. And the opposite is also true. Those whose diets have a greater amount of fiber, higher protein and less saturated fat and sugar, are able to fall asleep faster and spend more time in the stage of deep, slow wave sleep. Specifically, saturated fat is responsible for less slow wave sleep, while sugar is associated with more arousals from sleep. The study’s most astonishing finding: A single day of greater fat intake and lower fiber is enough to disrupt sleep that night.

There are plenty of great wedding proposals out there, but one by an Australian Qantas pilot is up there with one of the most unique. Captain Ellis began making one of those regular inflight announcements while he was flying from Melbourne to Los Angeles, in a video released on the airline’s Facebook page. But little did one “very special passenger” called Ana know, she was in for another shock altogether. The Captain wraps up the announcements by asking for her hand in marriage in not one, but two languages. http://on.mash.to/2egI1Ur

President Barack Obama likes to say the White House is the “people’s house.” Now, the people are getting a look at the rooms where he lives. According to NBC News, Exclusive photos published this week by Architectural Digest are giving the public its first glimpse of private areas on the second floor of the White House that Obama, his wife, Michelle, and his family have called home for nearly eight years. Los Angeles-based interior designer Michael Smith decorated the rooms, as well as the Oval Office. http://nbcnews.to/2fruLic

In the small town of Sunderland, Mass., is a 300-year-old, family-run plot of land that fuses fine art and farming. According to NPR, Mike Wissemann’s 8-acre cornfield maze is a feat of ingenuity, with carefully planned and executed stalk-formed replicas of notables such as the Mona Lisa, Albert Einstein and Salvador Dalí. For the past 17 years, Wissemann’s family and landscape artist Will Sillin have used arithmetic as well as the tools and technology available to them. In 2000, that was graph paper and an ATV equipped with a GPS that was not very accurate. Now, a GPS-equipped mower can zoom in on a single stalk within an inch. Add in a drone and you’ve got yourself an elaborate maze. http://n.pr/2fbloOH

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

My only ambition is to gain the love and respect of my fellow radio personalities… and enough money so I don’t have to associate with them.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 04, 2016…

Bleed For This—Miles Teller (“Whiplash”) takes on the role of boxer Vinny “The Pazamanian Devil” Pazienza in this story of the boxer who had a near-fatal accident and yet wants to go back into the boxing ring. Is this a death wish?  “Bleed For This” is rated R. Rating of 2 for boxing fans.

Doctor Strange—Benedict Cumberbatch (and does this busy actor ever sleep?)  goes for the role of a surgeon who has an accident to his hands, goes away to contemplate and meets Tilda Swinton (just about unrecognizable) who teaches him about time and dimensions. Great special effects. “Doctor Strange” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans. Another character from comic books.

Hacksaw Ridge– Mel Gibson has a directing role in this film based on the life of a WWII conscientious objector, who also wins a Medal Of Honor. The man is Desmond Doss and played by Andrew Garfield (formerly “Spider-Man”). “Hacksaw Ridge” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Trolls—Those little troll dolls of a few years ago, you must remember the fad. Well, they are back in their own film complete with rainbow-colored tall hair-do’s and a Technicolor life. Voices of Anna Kendrick, Justin Timberlake and James Corden. “Trolls” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

NOVEMBER 11, 2016…

Almost Christmas tells the story of a father who wants a peaceful Christmas instead of the usual family get-together. Good luck. Stars Danny Glover.

Arrival is a science fiction film starring Amy Adams as a linguist who tries to speak to aliens.

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk is based on Ben Fountain’s book of a young Iraq war soldier. Stars Joe Alwyn.

Elle stars Elizabeth Huppert who plays a woman who has been assaulted.

Shut In concerns a child psychologist and a little boy who are snowed in. Stars Naomi Watts.

*Hopefully, this is the release date—USS Indianapolis: Men Of Courage is about the sinking of this ship during WWII and how men survived. Stars Nicholas Cage and Tom Sizemore.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.