November 05, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161105

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Sometimes I’m so great I just wish I could be out there listening to me.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” –Psalm 121:1-2

“`If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” –Mark 9:23

He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant – not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. — 2 Corinthians 3:6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise. — Proverbs 20:1

Thought: Rather than spending millions on ad campaigns filled with bright lights, leggy blondes, fast cars, and handsome young studs like the alcohol industry does, God plainly states the truth: We are unwise to be in bondage to anything that makes us look foolish, that destructively incites our passions, and that open us up to temptation. If your experience with alcohol has led to any of these, please seek the help of a strong Christian friend who can help you find freedom. If you are not in bondage to these, please keep those who have been hurt by alcohol and drug abuse in your prayers and fellowship.

Prayer: Father, my heart hurts today for every person, and every family, under the grip of Satan because of alcohol and drug abuse. Please bless those who are terrorized by a loved one in addiction’s grip. Please give them the strength to seek help and not remain alone and silent. Please awaken their loved one to the truth of his/her destructive lifestyle. Please prepare the people who can help them begin the road to recovery, health, and freedom that you so long to give them. Please use us, your Church, as a place of healing and hope for those whose lives are caught in this tragic trap. In Jesus’ name I pray for your mighty help and power. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Ecclesiastes 11:5 NIV = As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – NOVEMBER 04, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
52 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

DEAR SANTA LETTER WEEK begins today. ***This might seem a bit early, but you have to hit the big guy a little early if you want your letter read. After all, he’s got millions of letters to read before Christmas Eve.

KIDS GOAL SETTING WEEK begins today. ***Goal #1 – convincing Santa that your Christmas gift request won’t shoot someone’s eye out.

Today is MEN MAKE DINNER DAY.  It’s also SANDWICH DAY – which is always scheduled on Men Make Dinner Day.   ***Now that’s what I call perfect planning!

And here are the official rules for MEN MAKE DINNER DAY…

  • Man agrees to participate in men make dinner day. Bonus points if he does so without seeking promise of night out with boys in return.

  • Man, completely un-aided, chooses a ‘published’ recipe from any source, or Internet. Getting the recipe from ‘her’ cookbooks is allowed, but man gets bonus points if the recipe isn’t already somewhere in the house. BARBEQUE IS NOT ALLOWED!

  • Main meal must include minimum of 4 ingredients and require at least one cooking utensil other than a fork

  • Man goes shopping for ‘all’ necessary ingredients. Bonus points if he takes inventory of cupboards and fridge first, before shopping trip. So you don’t end up with two 64 ounce jars of pickled pimentos.

  • Man organizes all necessary ingredients in order of importance on kitchen counter. At this point, he may need to make a phone call or shout out the word ‘honey’! Followed by a question. This is not allowed.

  • Man may, if desired, turn on radio or his favorite CD. Man agrees not to be within 30 feet of TV remote during cooking process. At this point, spouse and any other family members should not be anywhere near kitchen. (unless smoke detector goes off!)

  • Following recipe carefully, man starts to cook dinner! Apron is optional, tool belt is not allowed. (bonus points if recipe includes one of the following : capers, saffron, or the word ‘scallopini’).

  • Man must use the ‘clean as he goes along’ rule! Following each completed use of utensils, cookware, half-used jars of anything, spice bottles, etc., everything is rinsed, cleaned and put away

  • Man sets table, candles are lit, beverages are poured, no ketchup bottles, sour cream containers, or big boxes of salt on table.

  • Spouse and/or family members are served! This is an opportune time for a photo. Man is ‘allowed’ to gloat no more than three times during the meal. Family is encouraged to congratulate man on job well done. Family dog is not allowed to be secretly fed man’s cooking.

  • After meal, table is cleared by man, dishwasher is loaded. Man returns to table for stimulating after-dinner conversation. At this point, man is told how much his meal was appreciated. He, in turn, describes the joys and challenges of the experience. He is given a hug, and his TV remote is returned to him.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Digital Scrapbooking Day

National Love Your Red Hair Day

Pumpkin Destruction Day

Sadie Hawkins Day

Sausage and Kraut Day

Stout Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 06

Daylight Saving Time Ends @2:00am (turn clocks back 1 hour)

International Day for Preventing the Exploitation of the Environment in War and Armed Conflict

National Nachos Day

Saxophone Day

Zero Tasking Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 07

Employee Brotherhood Day

Fill Our Staplers Day

International Merlot Day

Job Action Day

National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day

National Canine Lymphoma Awareness Day

Traffic Directors Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 08

Abet and Aid Punsters Day

Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day

Dunce Day

Election Day

National Parents as Teachers Day

National S.T.E.M./S.T.E.A.M. Day

National Young Readers’ Day

X-Ray Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 09

Kristallnacht

World Freedom Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10

Area Code Day

International Tempranillo Day

Marine Corps Birthday

NET Cancer Awareness Day

Sesame Street Day

Windows Day (Microsoft)

World Science Day for Peace and Development

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11

Death/Duty Day

Origami Day

Red Lipstick Day

Veterans Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12

Fancy Rat & Mouse Day

World Pneumonia Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13

International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church

World Kindness Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

International Girls Day

International Selfie Day

Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day

National American Teddy Bear Day

National Spicy Guacamole Day

National Pickle Day

Operating Room Nurse Day

Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day

World Diabetes Day

World Orphans Day

ON THIS DAY

1844: At London’s Zoological Gardens the first successful operation was performed on a grizzly bear to remove cataracts from both eyes. ***Sweet sentiment, but wouldn’t it be safer for everybody if the bear just stayed blind?

1935: Parker Brothers introduced the board game Monopoly.

1946: Chuck Connors of the Boston Celtics became the first basketball player in history to shatter a glass backboard during an NBA game. Connors later starred as TV’s “Rifleman.”

1959: The American Football League was formed. The original eight teams included the Houston Oilers, New York Titans, Buffalo Bills, Boston Patriots, Los Angeles Chargers, Dallas Texans, Oakland Raiders, and Denver Broncos. The AFL merged into the NFL in 1967.

1993: Police arrested a 19-year-old in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, for attempted theft at a glue factory. The suspect did not resist. He had knocked over two large cans and glued himself to the factory floor.

2002: Ecuadorian authorities were forced to release a gang of six women accused of burglary and armed robbery after discovering they were all pregnant. Police said the women knew Ecuadorian law protected pregnant women from arrest. Because of the pregnant gang, lawmakers were considering abolishing the law protecting them.

2004: The Texas Board of Education approved middle school textbooks after publishers made changes defining marriage as being between a man and a woman.

2008: Michael Jackson made it clear he wouldn’t be part of a Jackson 5 reunion.  ***I’m still holding out hope though.  

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1917: In Moscow, following abdication of Russian Czar Nicholas II, the historic Orthodox Church Council of 1917-1918 restored the office of patriarch, suppressed by Peter the Great in 1700.

1935: The Cooperative General Association of Free Will Baptists (northern U.S.) and the General Conference of Free Will Baptists (southern U.S.) merged in Nashville, TN, to form the National Association of Free Will Baptists.

1950: Billy Graham’s “Hour of Decision” program was first broadcast over television.

1959: English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter: “All joy (as distinct from mere pleasure, still more amusement) emphasises our pilgrim status; always reminds, beckons, awakens desire. Our best havings are wantings.”

1970: American Presbyterian missionary Francis Schaeffer wrote in a letter: “The Bible does not minimize sexual sin, but neither does it make it different from any other sin.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Melrose Place”, “Safe Harbor”, Mike Pierce on “7th Heaven”) Jeremy Lelliott 34 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Matchstick Men) Sam Rockwell, 48

  • Actress (youngest actor to win an Oscar, age 10 for Paper Moon) Tatum O’Neal 53

  • actress Andrea McArdle 53

  • Actor (“Star Trek: DS9’s” Quark) Armin Shimerman, 67

    Actor (The Notebook) Sam Shepard, 73

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Roy Rogers (Sons of the Pioneers)

1931 : Ike Turner

1936 : Billy Sherrill

1941 : Art Garfunkel

1943 : Pablo Gomez (Los Bravos)

1946 : Gram Parsons (The Byrds, The Flying Burrito Brothers)

1947 : Peter Noone [Herman’s Hermits]; Born Peter Blair Denis Bernard Noone

1948 : Don McDougall (The Guess Who)

1948 : Peter Hammill (Van Der Graff Generator)

1950 : Dennis Provisore (The Grass Roots)

1957 : David Moyse (Air Supply)

1959 : Bryan Adams is Born in Kingston, Ontario, Canada.

1961 : David Bryson (Counting Crows)

1963 : Andrea McArdle

1967 : Mike Score (A Flock Of Seagulls)

1970 : Jennifer Kinley (The Kinleys)

1970 : Heather Kinley (The Kinleys)

1971 : Jonny Greenwood (Radiohead)

1974 : Ryan Adams

1987 : Kevin Jonas (The Jonas Brothers)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What is the origin of the phrase “make no bones about it?”

To “make no bones about it” means to do something in a straightforward or unapologetic manner-to “just do it.” It is such an ancient phrase, dating back to at least 1548, that its origins cannot be accurately traced. It may have originally arisen as a metaphor, referring to someone who did not make a fuss if bones turned up in his or her soup or stew. Or it may be based on “bones” being a very old slang term for dice. Someone who “made no bones” would be a player who simply cast the dice when his turn came, omitting all the mystical little rituals (such as blowing on, or talking to, the dice) gamblers often develop to conjure up good luck in a game.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Christian artist Jimmy Needham has recently been ministering in a little different format. Jimmy says he spent the past two months teaching 11 men at Stonegate Church how to study God’s Word. He added that he has traveled the world, but has never experienced a joy like this.

Kerrie Roberts may want to consider cutting back on her travel. She posted: unpacking my suitcase, into another suitcase.

Plumb says she and her kids have a new tradition before she leaves town. She said they always go out for Mexican popsicles. Plumb added: sugar them up for Daddy.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLwfCKqjZAJ/

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says it’s hard to eat healthy on the road but she has come up with a plan. She posted: I’m prepping all my meals for this weekend. Megan has a specific reason for making sure her meals are healthy. She added: I’m so close to my 100-pound goal.

A word of advice from Jamie Grace. She posted it cool and don’t let your iRobot Roomba run when you’re not at home. Jamie says it took her forever to find hers when she returned back from her latest concert swing.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard just confirmed it: coffee is medicine.

Switchfoot is throwing a Cold Turkey Party, because who doesn’t like leftovers. On the day after Thanksgiving they invite you to fix yourself a cold turkey and mashed potato sandwich and tune in while Live Nation TV broadcasts their Hollywood Palladium show LIVE across the world on November 25th.

http://switchfoot.com/switchfoot-cold-turkey-party-live-hollywood-palladium

Sidewalk Prophets frontman Dave Frey said you know you’re back home in Indiana when the local Mexican restaurant has a bottle of ketchup on the table with the Colts logo on the front. We’re not sure if he was referring to being so far north that they have ketchup at a Mexican restaurant rather than salsa or the fact that there was a Colts logo on the ketchup bottle.

Building 429’s Aaron Branch was showing off his latest purchase this week. It was a recycled firefighter Captains Bi-Fold wallet. Aaron says the wallets are made from recycled fire hoses, combat boot leather, and other materials.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMRdET3jGOH/

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer grew up in Florida and lived in Texas for the vast majority of his life. Now he lives in Tennessee and he posted: to live where the leaves change colors has been one of my favorite parts of living in Tennessee.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Movember is here!  During November each year, the Movember campaign is responsible for the sprouting of moustaches on thousands of men’s faces. With their Mo’s, the men raise awareness and funds for men’s health issues, specifically prostate and testicular cancer initiatives.  ***Plus, having facial hair makes it easier to hide food from the Thanksgiving table right on your face to have later when you get the munchies. 

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Energizer Bunny Battery”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Paul Aldrich, “Rock Star Commercials”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk made new badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles – but he made them defective so they’d break easily and his friends would have to keep buying new racquets. Will his scheme work? Let’s find out, As the Jungle Turns…

CLOSE: Double notched racquets – wouldn’t those break twice as easily as the single notched racquets? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 05/06

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…

CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Dragon sausage… what kind of meat do you think that is?

In Wales, the makers of Welsh Dragon Sausages have been warned they could face legal action if they do not specify on their packages which meat they are using. A spokesman for the company which makes Welsh Dragon Sausages says he doesn’t think any of their customers actually believe they use dragon meet, but they’re now adding the word “pork” to their label just in case.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS TO PARTICIPATE IN ‘MEN MAKE DINNER DAY’

10. While cooking, you can still wear your tool belt, simply replace the hammer with a whisk.

9. Several recipes include beer as a legitimate ingredient.

8. The blender, the electric mixer and the food processor are loud enough to drown out anyone in the house who is learning a musical instrument.

7. Whoever is cooking always gets the most attention from the dog.

6. Whatever recipe you choose, you can name it after yourself. Example: tonight’s dinner is called ‘Doug’s Surprise’.

5. Discovering that ‘250 ml’ is the same as ‘8 ounces’ AND ‘1 cup’ is half the fun.

4. Since YOU choose the recipe, it can be a turnip-free night.

3. Some desserts, such as crème brulee, require the use of a propane torch. How much fun is that?!

2. Since other husbands in your neighborhood are also cooking dinner, ironically this could be the ultimate male bonding experience

1. Participating in ‘National Men Make Dinner Day’ gives you optimum points with your wife. Use those points wisely!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

I now have a favorite judge… and her name is Faith Johnson.

FILE #1: Texas judge Faith Johnson threw a party complete with balloons, streamers and a cake to welcome a former fugitive back to her court — and sentence him to life in prison.  Judge Johnson told Billy Wayne Williams, “You just made my day when I heard you had finally come home. We’re so excited to see you, we’re throwing a party for you.” Williams was accused of harming his girlfriend. He failed to appear for his trial last November and was not captured until last Thursday. Before he was brought into the courtroom Monday, Johnson directed staff members as they placed balloons and streamers around the courtroom. A colorful cake was decorated with his name.

FILE#2: Police arrested a 19-year-old in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, for attempted theft at a glue factory. The suspect did not resist. He had knocked over two large cans and glued himself to the factory floor.

FILE #3: It’s not a good day in the accounting department of any business when they issue a memo saying that $110,000 is missing! That’s what happened recently in the Denver Police Department! $110,000 in cash — mostly evidence from crimes — had disappeared! Chief Gerry Whitman launched a criminal investigation figuring that the money was probably stolen from the evidence room. It was about that time that a 33 year old trash collector came forward to say he picked up trash from the dumpsters in the basement of the police station every day for 4 years. Eric Russell “routinely” found money in the trash along with knives, evidence bags, crime scene photos, etc. Some things he sold at flea markets, and other things he threw away. The police immediately asked for the return of any items he still has, and they have since changed their disposal procedures.

STRANGE LAW: Many people use their garage as a catch-all storage facility. In fact, many people don’t even park their vehicles in their garage. However, in Long Beach, California it is against the law to have any item other than a car in your garage.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

It pays to know the mayor… and it might keep you out of jail!

Wayne Geary was selling drugs on a street corner in the southeast part of town when a big car pulled up and the woman in the back seat rolled down her window. Wayne immediately rushed up and asked her if she was looking for a deal. Guess he didn’t recognize her. It was the mayor who was driving around the area to take part in a neighborhood clean-up effort to rid the area of drug dealers. He’s been arrested.

PHONER PHUN

My wife Robin wanted to put up the Christmas lights last month even before October 31st. Our neighbors put them up on November 1st. But if you look at some of the shopping malls, Christmas begins in September! Heck, I saw one Wal-Mart with a Christmas aisle in late August. When is the proper time to put up your Christmas lights?

This is the first day of DEAR SANTA LETTER WEEK – the week to begin writing your letter to Santa. What are you asking for this year?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: After feeding the 4000 men and women, Jesus went where?

ANSWER: The coast of Magadan (Matthew 15:38,39)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In 1996, Louisville, Kentucky, police released two Chicago men of Palestinian descent from jail

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Bingham Canyon copper mine in Utah is the biggest manmade hole on Earth and can be seen from the space shuttle with an astronaut’s bare eyes. (True – it is more than half a mile deep and 2.5 miles across.)

2. If every OREO cookie ever made were stacked on top of each other (over 362 billion), the pile would reach the moon and back. (False – it’d do that five times over! And if placed side-by-side they would encircle the earth 381 times at the equator!)

3. The first skyscraper in the United States was built in Chicago, not New York. (False – it was the 10 story Wainwright Building, completed in 1891 in St. Louis, Missouri.)

4. The children’s toy, Spirograph, was inspired by bomb detonators. (True! The British import Spirograph was introduced in the United States in 1967 by Kenner and has racked up millions of dollars in sales. It was invented by a British electronics engineer, Denys Fisher, who was inspired to create the toy while doing research on a new design for bomb detonators for NATO.)

5. Water makes up 80 percent of your body weight. (False it’s 60 percent of your body weight. Of the water, 8 percent is in the blood, 25 percent in the spaces between cells, and 67 percent inside the cells.)

6. Your feet sweat as much as 8 ounces of moisture every day. (True! There are approximately 250,000 sweat glands in your feet – if you care.)

7. If you lace your shoes from the inside to the outside the fit will be snugger around your big toe. (True)

8. There is a leaning tower of Pisa replica in Chicago, Illinois. (True. In 1931, an industrialist named Robert Ilg built a half-size replica of the Leaning Tower of Pisa outside Chicago and lived in it for several years. The tower is still there.)

9. The first manager of the Seattle Space Needle, Hoge Sullivan, had a fear of heights. (True. By the way, the 605 foot tall Space Needle is fastened to its foundation with 72 bolts, each 30 feet long. The Space Needle sways approximately 1 inch for every 10 mph of wind. It was built to withstand a wind velocity of 200 miles-per-hour.)

10. Police dogs are trained to react to commands in a foreign language. (True – commonly German but more recently Hungarian.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Man Insures His ______ For $2 Million Bucks!” (BOTTOM/BUTTOCKS)

Britain’s Graham Butterfield is the official bed tester for the Silent Night Mattress Company and has had his sensitive bottom insured for $2 million bucks! Graham says, “I have increased sensitivity around the buttock area and can feel the difference in the materials used in beds. I am very proud to be the owner of a $2 million dollar backside.” Manager Steven Simpson said, “The policy is worth every penny.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in a flood of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asks.

“Sweetheart,” she sobs, “the most terrible thing happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again, “I found that the cat had eaten it!”

“Don’t worry, darling,” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We can always get you a new cat.”

JOKE #2

A man noticed a young lady edging her car back and forth in a tight parking space. Being a helpful fellow, he stopped to help her. He signaled how she should turn the wheel and when to go forward and when to go back. After a few minutes, under his expert directing, the car was nestled tightly against the curb.

“There you are,” he said. “Snug as a bug in a rug.”


”I know,” she said, “and I appreciate your help. But I wasn’t trying to park it. I was trying to get out.”

JOKE #3

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.  He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn’t gotten a single person to stop.

Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes–both going well over 120 mph–blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “And you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.”

USELESS FACTS

Playing Tetris soon after a traumatic experience has been proven to help wipe bad memories and prevent flashbacks.  ***Although you do suffer from the side effect of crying uncontrollably every time you miss an opportunity to clear four lines at once.

71% of Glamour magazine readers say celebrities should not run for political office.  ***And of course celebrities will completely ignore it because after all, it’s a survey from Glamour magazine!

A recent study found that watching TV burns 93 calories an hour.  ***So if you have three TVs on it’s like jogging around the block.

FEATURED FUNNIES

12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime…and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A rabbit saves the lives of two people!

In Port Byron, Illinois, Ed Murphy (no not the star) says his $10 pet rabbit just saved the life of his pregnant wife. Apparently one night the little bunny was unusually noisy and began banging and jumping up and down in her cage. He tried to ignore it and even put pillows around the cage to act as noise buffers but our furry friend would not let him get back to sleep. That’s when he noticed his pregnant wife, who he thought was just sleeping heavily, was in fact very much in trouble. Her eyes were wide open and glazed over. He called 911 and doctors determined she had gestational diabetes and was in a hypoglycemic coma! She stayed in the hospital for five days but is going to be fine — thanks to that noisy bunny.  ***MARLAR: That’s awful generous of the bunny, seeing as one his relatives may have died in getting news of the pregnancy to the couple!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SOMETHING SWEET

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an Elderly gentleman in his 80’s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.  I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?”

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, “She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.”

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, “That is the kind of love I want in my life.”

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

If that’s the way God is going to treat me, I’m just not going to even try to be good anymore!
Ever had that thought? Here you’ve done almost everything “right”… you’ve “sacrificed a lot of fun” and maybe even denied yourself material things trying to make God happy.  Then, whack! You get hit in the head by rotten circumstances. You start thinking, What’s this Christian living all about? You try your best, give up all sorts of things, obey the rules, and still you get smacked with a big stick.
Christians in rich countries such as the United States are particularly prone to that sort of thinking. Satan, he’s the bad guy – loves to get us focusing on what we believe are “hardships” of living to honor God. The truth, however, is that’s not realistic or biblical.

First, most of the negative circumstances we face are not caused by God as some sort of punishment or test.  They are a result of sin.  Maybe not OUR sin, but sin, nonetheless.  We live in a world where sinful behavior is the rule, not the exception.  Since most people are living that way, the world is going to look and feel that way… even to those of us that are trying to do good in God’s eyes.  Sin affects everyone – even the innocent.  Because of this, it’s wrong to consider the bad things that affect us to be somehow personally directed at us by God.
But, we can turn it around.  We can look at every negative circumstance we encounter and see it as an opportunity to show how God is working.  How we handle suffering, hardship, and persecution should be a witness to the world that we are followers of Christ.  Remember See You at the Pole earlier this week?  Many of the students and adults praying around their flagpoles were laughed at, mocked, told they were “freaks”.  But in reality, the people around the poles were showing God’s work in and through them!

Whenever we are tempted to complain about our difficulties, we should consider how much Jesus had to suffer. He was tortured and killed – and then rose from the grave three days later.  He did that so we could know that this present life… this painful, hurtful life, will end for us… and we’ll someday go to a life without pain and suffering.  All you have to do is believe what He did for you… believe that he is risen from the grave… and accept that free gift.

LEFTOVERS

PHONE PRIVILEGE

Are you a boss that calls your employees at home? Well STOP it – we underlings might sue you!

Of all the things I hated about my last radio job, the thing I hated the MOST was when the President of the company would call me at home and chew me out for something he heard on the air that he didn’t like. He couldn’t wait until the next morning to call me at work – he felt he had to call me at home and yell at me. If that happened today, I might be able to sue him for it! And I’d be well within my rights to do so . . . well, if I was living in Britain.  Under Britain’s Human Rights Act, telephone calls made to an employee at home might be held to be an invasion of privacy. The institute said that  “An employer does not have the right to demand an employee’s telephone number unless it is specified in the contract that the employee has a duty to be available outside normal working hours.”  The law might also include how the boss looks over your shoulder while you’re at the office! It’s called “unauthorized monitoring” and if the boss monitors telephone calls and e-mails made by an employee on company premises, that too is covered by human rights law, even when the employer suspects that a member of staff is using its resources in a personal capacity.

LIFE… LIVE IT

JOB SCAMS

Rachel Zupek, a writer for CareerBuilder.com tells us, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.” If nothing else, this age-old adage might be the most important piece of advice to remember in any job search, especially in today’s market. Here are things to look out for in job ads.

1. Hold tight to your cash.
No legitimate employer asks you for money. This is a foolproof tip off that something’s not right. There are a number of scams that work this way. You deposit your money in an offshore account and wait for your investment to make you wealthy, or you purchase a list of high-paying jobs you can do from home. Whatever the scam is, don’t fall for it.

2. Make money while you sleep!
Beware of ads that make outrageous claims, don’t specify job duties and don’t require that you send a resume. Legitimate employers are seeking candidates with specific skills, knowledge and education. Watch for ads, even for entry level jobs, that use the phrase ‘no experience necessary,’ especially when there is a promise of big money.

3. “Work at home” appears in the header
Work from home’ is not a job title. If it appears in the ad header, there’s a good chance it’s a come on. Scammers can rarely resist including it in the header — it’s the bait of their ‘hook’ as they fish for desperate people to reel in.

4. Miracles arrive in your inbox
How could this man from Romania have known you were looking for home-based work? Miracles do happen, but not via SPAM.” Move [the e-mail] to your trash file without using the ‘remove me from this list’ link you’re likely to find at the bottom of the page. These links are often used to confirm that your e-mail address is active and using them can result in even more SPAM.

5. Palm trees, mansions, beaches and bikinis
Successful scammers often bag their prey by dangling enticing things in front of them — much like kidnappers do.

6. Put on your detective hat
There are essentially two ways to get listed with the Better Business Bureau: Buy a membership or get reported for bad business practices. While the absence of a company’s name in their listings is not unusual — not every business is a paying member of the BBB — a C, D or F rating and multiple complaints are a flashing warning signal.  Be careful about ads that look legitimate and that contain the name and Web site of well-known companies but carry a “free” e-mail address for a reply.

JUST FOR FUN

GOLDEN BROWN

I’ve heard that not even rich people consider themselves to be rich. But I think I’ve finally found a test to prove that you’re rich. If you can afford to EAT GOLD, then you are pretty well off, wouldn’t you agree?

A restaurant in Duesseldorf has put gold-covered sausages on its menu. The restaurant owner claims eating gold is healthy. In addition to traditional tomato sauce and curry powder, the sausage comes with a piece of 18 carat leaf gold on its skin and diners at Curry restaurant pay handsomely to get it. How can it be healthy? Well, according to the restaurant manager, “It has been done in Greece for hundreds of years. One of our customers always brought in his own gold and asked us to cover his food with it, that’s how we got the idea.” The restaurant’s manager also suggests ordering the gold-covered sausage for somebody instead of flowers if you’re in love. ***MARLAR: Yeah, that’ll work. “Baby, I love you so much I’m giving you a long cylindrical meat object wrapped in intestine and covered in metal.”

FUN LIST

WAYS TO TELL YOUR CHILD MAY BE A TERRORIST

  • Barbie is bound, gagged and will remain a hostage until you fork over another box of Fruit Loops.

  • Birthday wish list includes C4, detonators and a new pair of Nikes.

  • Says he doesn’t have his homework because the Imperialist dog ate it.

  • Constantly threatening a jihad against his brothers if they don’t let him watch SpongeBob SquarePants.

  • He insists on wearing a ski mask when you videotape him learning to ride a two-wheeler.

  • “Nuclear waste in his diapers” is no longer just a figure of speech.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE


The British Army’s elite SAS troops are going through a new sort of training that will help them not blow their cover during top-secret operations. Believe it or not, they’re being trained not to snore! The need for such training comes after a team of soldiers was hiding out in the Colombian jungle as part of a move to combat cocaine smugglers when one of the soldiers dozed off and began snoring, blowing their cover. SAS chiefs ordered the snorer to undergo hypnotism to cure him. Now other soldiers in the regiment are being trained not to snore by being ordered to alter their sleeping positions. If that fails army surgeons carry out a small throat operation. ***MARLAR: British wives are now encouraging their husbands to become SAS troops!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you want to sleep better at night, then change your diet. People who eat less fiber and more saturated fat and sugar are far more likely to experience lighter, less restorative and more disruptive sleep, according to researchers from Columbia University Medical Center in New York City. And the opposite is also true. Those whose diets have a greater amount of fiber, higher protein and less saturated fat and sugar, are able to fall asleep faster and spend more time in the stage of deep, slow wave sleep. Specifically, saturated fat is responsible for less slow wave sleep, while sugar is associated with more arousals from sleep. The study’s most astonishing finding: A single day of greater fat intake and lower fiber is enough to disrupt sleep that night.

There are plenty of great wedding proposals out there, but one by an Australian Qantas pilot is up there with one of the most unique. Captain Ellis began making one of those regular inflight announcements while he was flying from Melbourne to Los Angeles, in a video released on the airline’s Facebook page. But little did one “very special passenger” called Ana know, she was in for another shock altogether. The Captain wraps up the announcements by asking for her hand in marriage in not one, but two languages. http://on.mash.to/2egI1Ur

President Barack Obama likes to say the White House is the “people’s house.” Now, the people are getting a look at the rooms where he lives. Exclusive photos published by Architectural Digest are giving the public its first glimpse of private areas on the second floor of the White House that Obama, his wife, Michelle, and his family have called home for nearly eight years. Los Angeles-based interior designer Michael Smith decorated the rooms, as well as the Oval Office. http://nbcnews.to/2fruLic

In the small town of Sunderland, Mass., is a 300-year-old, family-run plot of land that fuses fine art and farming. Mike Wissemann’s 8-acre cornfield maze is a feat of ingenuity, with carefully planned and executed stalk-formed replicas of notables such as the Mona Lisa, Albert Einstein and Salvador Dalí. For the past 17 years, Wissemann’s family and landscape artist Will Sillin have used arithmetic as well as the tools and technology available to them. In 2000, that was graph paper and an ATV equipped with a GPS that was not very accurate. Now, a GPS-equipped mower can zoom in on a single stalk within an inch. Add in a drone and you’ve got yourself an elaborate maze. http://n.pr/2fbloOH

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

And I’ll leave you today with this thought: there’s more vitamin C in a raw potato than there is in an orange.  Think about that tomorrow morning when you’re drinking your freshly-squeezed potato juice.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 04, 2016…

Bleed For This—Miles Teller (“Whiplash”) takes on the role of boxer Vinny “The Pazamanian Devil” Pazienza in this story of the boxer who had a near-fatal accident and yet wants to go back into the boxing ring. Is this a death wish?  “Bleed For This” is rated R. Rating of 2 for boxing fans.

Doctor Strange—Benedict Cumberbatch (and does this busy actor ever sleep?)  goes for the role of a surgeon who has an accident to his hands, goes away to contemplate and meets Tilda Swinton (just about unrecognizable) who teaches him about time and dimensions. Great special effects. “Doctor Strange” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans. Another character from comic books.

Hacksaw Ridge– Mel Gibson has a directing role in this film based on the life of a WWII conscientious objector, who also wins a Medal Of Honor. The man is Desmond Doss and played by Andrew Garfield (formerly “Spider-Man”). “Hacksaw Ridge” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Trolls—Those little troll dolls of a few years ago, you must remember the fad. Well, they are back in their own film complete with rainbow-colored tall hair-do’s and a Technicolor life. Voices of Anna Kendrick, Justin Timberlake and James Corden. “Trolls” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

NOVEMBER 11, 2016…

Almost Christmas tells the story of a father who wants a peaceful Christmas instead of the usual family get-together. Good luck. Stars Danny Glover.

Arrival is a science fiction film starring Amy Adams as a linguist who tries to speak to aliens.

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk is based on Ben Fountain’s book of a young Iraq war soldier. Stars Joe Alwyn.

Elle stars Elizabeth Huppert who plays a woman who has been assaulted.

Shut In concerns a child psychologist and a little boy who are snowed in. Stars Naomi Watts.

*Hopefully, this is the release date—USS Indianapolis: Men Of Courage is about the sinking of this ship during WWII and how men survived. Stars Nicholas Cage and Tom Sizemore.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.