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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151108
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
(Save this one for Monday, obviously!) Monday already? Man, the weekend flies by when you spend two whole days trying to come up with a funny line to start off Monday’s show.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against You.” –Psalm 119:11
1 Peter 1:18-19 = For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.
I urge, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone – for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. — 1 Timothy 2:1-2
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work. — 1 John 3:8
Thought: Two simple truths: 1) The person who continues to live a life caught up in sin is of the devil. 2) The Son of God came to destroy all that the devil stands for. So, I guess the issue isn’t as complex as we sometimes make it, which leads me to a final thought: Who are we going to side with in this heavenly war?
Prayer: Almighty and victorious King of the Ages, you are the only rightful ruler of my heart. I pledge my allegiance to you. Please help me as I seek to lay aside my struggles with sin and empower me to live for you in unwavering loyalty. In the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Proverbs 11:8 NIV = The righteous man is rescued from trouble, and it comes on the wicked instead.
TODAY IS SUNDAY – NOVEMBER 08, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 47 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is COOK SOMETHING BOLD AND PUNGENT DAY. A day to use all the cabbage and garlic you want. ***MARLAR: Or get your pungency from your boss taking his shoes off.
PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS WEEK begins today. ***MARLAR: One suggestion – don’t cook anything bold and pungent while pursuing your happiness.
Today is NATIONAL AMPLE TIME DAY, a day to think about managing our time better so we can enjoy the important things. ***MARLAR: Gee, if only I had some ample time so I could think about how to manage my ample time…
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Abet and Aid Punsters Day
Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day
National Parents As Teachers Day
COMING UP NEXT
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 09
World Orphans Day
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10
Are Code Day
Marine Corps Birthday
Sesame Street Day
Windows Day (Microsoft)
World Science Day for Peace and Development
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11
Red Lipstick Day
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12
World Pneumonia Day
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14
International Girls Day
Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day
National Pickle Day
Operating Room Nurse Day
Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day
World Diabetes Day
International Selfie Day
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15
America Recycles Day
George Spelvin Day or More Than One Role Day
I Love to Write Day
National Bundt Day
National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16
International Day for Tolerance
ON THIS DAY
1887: Frontier dentist “Doc” Holliday died of tuberculosis in Glenwood Springs, Colorado, at age 35.
1913: Indiana’s Clair Scott kicked football’s worst punt. With the ball on the 3-yard-line, Scott punted from his own end zone. The wind caught the ball and carried it back into the end zone, where an Iowa player caught it for a touchdown.
1985: Police in Portsmouth, England, arrested three men dressed as Batman, Robin, and Superman following a bar brawl. Later the same night, at another nightclub police hauled off three more costumed brawlers: Popeye the Sailor, Spiderman, and an Australian Desert Rat.
1995: The Beijing government ordered a crackdown on a booming industry in illegal luxury cemeteries springing up on the outskirts of Chinese cities. Cremation is compulsory in Chinese cities to save valuable land.
1995: The Swedish news service reported that members of the nation’s anti-terrorist police force were resigning because there was no terrorism in Sweden and the job was boring.
2002: During a tour of an eagle enclosure at Stellenbosch, South Africa, Wally the trained eagle swooped down onto Natasha Mayhook’s arm, just like her boyfriend Sean Connolly had planned. Sean fell to one knee and asked Natasha to marry him. The engagement ring was hanging around Wally’s neck. Both Sean and Natasha has a passion for birds, and Sean said since eagles mate for life, he felt it would an appropriate way to express his love. His biggest fear was either she’d say no or have her armed ripped off. She said yes and Wally got a big pat on the feathers.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1837: Mt. Holyoke Seminary first opened in Massachusetts. Founded by Mary Lyon, 39, it was the first college in the U.S. established specifically for the education of women.
1889: Birth of Oswald J. Smith, Canadian clergyman. Founder of the People’s Church of Toronto, Smith also authored a number of books and composed more than 1,200 hymns, including “The Song of the Soul Set Free.”
1904: Emile Combs introduced a bill for the separation of Church and State in France. The bill passed in December
1905, thereby ending the Concordat of 1801 and allowing complete liberty of conscience.
1951: American Presbyterian missionary Francis Schaeffer wrote in a letter: ‘The higher the mountains, the more understandable is the glory of Him who made them and who holds them in His hand.’
1952: English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter: ‘When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now…. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actress (My Boss’ Daughter, Josie and the Pussycats, Sharknado) Tara Reid, 40
- Actress (You’ve Got Mail, Best In Show, Superman Returns) Parker Posey, 47
- Actress (“Melrose Place”, “Two And a Half Men”, “According to Jim”, Summer School) Courtney Thorne-Smith, 48 (
- TV hostess (“Entertainment Tonight”) Mary Hart, 65 — In 1991, news sources reported that an unidentified woman had suffered from an epileptic seizure caused by the voice of Mary. When the woman stopped watching the show, the seizures stopped. (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1927 : Ken Dodd
1927 : Patti Page
1941 : Rodney Slater (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)
1942 : Gerald Alston (The Manhattans)
1942 : John Perez (The Sir Douglas Quintet)
1944 : Bonnie Lynne Bramlett (Delaney and Bonnie)
1945 : Don Murray (The Turtles)
1947 : Minnie Riperton
1949 : Bonnie Raitt
1949 : Alan Berger (Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes)
1954 : Rickie Lee Jones
1961 : Leif Garrett
1970 : Diana King
1977 : Bucky Covington
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
How old is coffee?
At McDonald’s, about five hours old… but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Avicenna, an Arabian philosopher, introduced coffee as a medicinal tonic around 1000 AD. He called it “bunc.” The drink didn’t really catch on as a social beverage in Persia and Arabia until the 16th century.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
David Crowder is out with another deal of the day photo but this time it’s an offer you definitely want to refuse. Past deals have includes sales of just one cent off and free food yesterday. But the photo this time is of a sign that offers Rabies for just 99-cents. http://t.co/r04lJzqR4n
Natalie Grant has a new motto for Mondays. She says it’s: messy hair don’t care.
Third Day’s Mac Powell just conducted his own, informal, taste test. He tried three new Lays Potato Chip flavors, including West Coast Truffle Fries, Southern Biscuits and Gravy and Kettle Cooked Greektown Gyro. Mac says surprisingly Gyro was his favorite flavor.
From Switchfoot’s Jon Foreman: Why do optometrists live longer than the rest of us? They dilate.
A suggestion from a fan of comedian Bob Smiley: We should throw Bob Smiley in a pool full of MacBooks and call it bobbing for apples.
ODD & WEIRD NEWS…
|San Francisco police search for hatchet-wielding shoplifter
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — San Francisco police are looking for a transgender woman who allegedly threatened a security guard with a hatchet after stealing a handbag from a department store. KCBS-Radio reports (http://cbsloc.al/1MATXqA ) the robbery happened around Monday afternoon at a…
|South African student steals bus to get to final year exam
JOHANNESBURG (AP) — South African media say a high school student stole a bus in a desperate effort to get to his final year mathematics exams. Broadcaster eNCA reported Thursday that Le-Aan Adonis got behind the wheel when the driver failed to show up. Adonis told eNCA he found the keys in…
|Election judge accused of taking off with voting equipment
PITTSBURGH (AP) — Authorities in western Pennsylvania say a local judge of elections was arrested after allegedly failing to show up to the polls Tuesday and instead deciding to work as a jitney driver for the day. The Allegheny County sheriff’s office says 55-year-old Darrin Farmer of North…
|Company launches Bernie Sanders-inspired underwear line photo
MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) — Employees of a Vermont company have launched a side business selling underwear featuring a black-and-white drawing of the face of Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. HASH(0x1420790) The Vermont senator has said recently on late-night TV and talk shows that…
|Seattle garbageman returns $12,000 in lost checks to school
SEATTLE (AP) — A Seattle elementary school is thanking a garbageman for finding nearly $12,000 in checks in the trash. HASH(0x1426c00) Principal Dorian Manza says he met Speir on his route and gratefully took the checks back. The funds were from a fundraising drive and a Parent-Teacher…
|Boston pol says Bieber-graffiti tweet was sarcasm photo
BOSTON (AP) — A Boston City Councilor says he was being sarcastic when he tweeted that he would introduce an emergency ordinance prohibiting Justin Bieber-inspired graffiti. The pop singer asked artists around the world last week to paint murals inspired by tracks from his upcoming album,…
|Dog missing from Texas since May floods found in California
SAN MARCOS, Texas (AP) — The owners of a pit bull who disappeared during flooding in Texas in May are puzzled as to how the animal ended up more than 2,000 miles away in northern California. Eddie Hurtado says Thor ran away after his family evacuated their San Marcos home that was overwhelmed…
|Police: Man used rope ladder to burglarize supermarket
CONNELLSVILLE, Pa. (AP) — State police have arrested a man on charges he broke into a Pennsylvania supermarket using a rope ladder — then claimed to merely be sleeping on the store’s roof when he was caught. Forty-eight-year-old Thomas Beal is in the Fayette County Booking Center…
|2 degrees, flies planes, author, works at NASA. His age? 17 photo
BOSTON (AP) — Moshe Kai Cavalin has two college degrees, but he’s too young to vote. He flies airplanes, but he’s too young to drive a car alone. Life is filled with contrasts for Cavalin, a 17-year-old from San Gabriel, California, who has dashed by major milestones as his age seems to lag…
|Breakfast with skulls: Halloween night in Paris Catacombs photo
PARIS (AP) — This Halloween, two brave souls got the dubious honor of waking up among 6 million dead bodies in Paris’ creepy Catacombs. Brazilian Pedro Arruda, 27, said he wasn’t sure if he was lucky or unlucky when he found out he had won a contest sponsored by home-sharing company Airbnb to…
|Albuquerque dentist offering to buy back Halloween candy
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) — An Albuquerque, New Mexico, dentist is hoping to get ahead in the fight against post-Halloween cavities with cash. KRQE-TV reports (http://bit.ly/1WpcnVS) that Byron Wall, of Cosmetic Dentistry of New Mexico, said he is offering to buy candy back from…
HEALTH & FITNESS NEWS…
|Pfizer doubling patient income limit for free drug program photo
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — Pfizer, the biggest U.S.-based drugmaker, is increasing its financial assistance to patients, doubling the allowable income level for people to receive dozens of Pfizer medicines for free. The move comes amid fierce criticism by patients and politicians, as well as…
|Victim of E. coli outbreak will never go back to Chipotle photo
SEATTLE (AP) — Chris Collins has always been selective about where he goes out for a meal. He said he respected Chipotle for its food integrity and animal welfare policies. But a week after being treated at a hospital for severe intestinal distress, Collins no longer considers the casual…
|Things to know about the investigation of E. coli outbreak photo
SEATTLE (AP) — Thirty-seven people in the Pacific Northwest have fallen ill with E. coli in an outbreak connected to Chipotle Mexican restaurants. The popular chain of casual restaurants voluntarily closed 43 of its Washington and Oregon locations last week and health officials are scrambling…
|Virtual doctor visits offer convenience, lower costs
WASHINGTON (AP) — When you’re coming down with a cold, there are a few items you typically reach for to start feeling better: cough drops, herbal tea, maybe an over-the-counter medication. For most of us, though, a smartphone wouldn’t top that list. But that may change as health care…
|Heroin, prescription pain pills top drug threat in the US
WASHINGTON (AP) — Heroin and prescription pain pills are among the top drug threats in the U.S., according to the Drug Enforcement Administration’s latest drug threat assessment Wednesday. Chuck Rosenberg, the DEA’s acting administrator, said there were more than 46,000 drug overdoses in…
|Study: New docs’ suicidal thoughts eased with online therapy
CHICAGO (AP) — Doctors-in-training face long, stressful hours, sleepless nights and a high risk of depression and suicidal thoughts, but often are too stoic and time-starved to seek help. A study suggests online self-help behavior therapy could be a solution. Suicidal thoughts were much less…
|Senate panel summons price-hiking CEO of Turing Pharma photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A Senate committee has launched an investigation into exorbitant drug price hikes by Turing Pharmaceuticals and three other companies, responding to public anxiety over rising prices for critical medicines. The Senate’s special committee on aging requested documents and…
|Recovery after overdoses: Stopping heroin’s ‘revolving door’ photo
CAMDEN, N.J. (AP) — It’s a truth addicts and health providers know well: Naloxone can reverse heroin overdoses, but it can’t cure the addictions that cause them. In a small but growing number of places, people who land in hospitals after being revived by the drug are being guided toward…
|Getting treatment: Timing is key after a heroin overdose photo
Using naloxone, often known by the brand name Narcan, to stop an overdose on heroin or related painkillers called opioids is the first step in a complex process that can include hospitalization, treatment and relapse. Here’s a step-by-step look at recovery, based on the accounts of first…
|France ending ban on gay male blood donors
PARIS (AP) — France will end its ban on blood donations by gay men, its health minister said Wednesday, calling the move the end “of a taboo and discrimination.” Health Minister Marisol Touraine said beginning in the spring of 2016, no blood donors can be refused based on their sexual…
|Cryotherapy use spreads, though it’s unproven, unregulated photo
LAS VEGAS (AP) — From Japan to Europe and now in the U.S., a growing number of people are seeking cryotherapy — a treatment that subjects their bodies to cold temperatures far below those found anywhere on Earth. Backers claim it can ease pain and inflammation, aid blood flow and weight…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Lighter Hair, Darker Skin”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Steve Geyer, “McDonald’s Drive-Thru”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, after learning that her solo singing career had actually destroyed all of the harmony and cooperation in the jungle, Cheetah Bonita met up with some alligators who were harmonizing very well. In fact, they were cooperating very well not just to make good music, but to stay alive and on the good side of the Swamp Thing!
CLOSE: Sounds like Cheetah Bonita has learned her lesson about cooperation – but what about the rest of the jungle? There’s still an awful mess out there! How will she make things right? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 07/08
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Katie Snuffleson was still feeling no compassion for her brother Marvy’s head cold – but that’s the furthest thing from her mind, because she’s just learned that Razzleflabbin Island has a magical place in the clouds called Candyland – and the tram has arrived to take her there…
CLOSE: Candyland does sound wonderful – and we’ll see exactly HOW wonderful next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
SEEKING customers for your business is usually a good thing. But MAKING customers for your business can be a little “iffy.”
Jerry Sims was a locksmith in Kansas City who would place a sticker for his business on the doors of various businesses around town. Then, a few days later, late at night, Jerry would return and squirt a little glue in the lock, hoping, of course, that the business would call him to come fix the lock. Things were going fine until he was caught on a security camera at one of the businesses. The owner was viewing the tape and couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the man on the tape was the same guy now repairing his lock. He’s been arrested. ***MARLAR: And will be spending time now behind locked cell doors – without his tools.
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU’VE GONE OVERBOARD ON HOME IMPROVEMENT (
- You’ve built a drive-thru car wash in the second slot of your 2-car garage.
- You’ll use any excuse to add a new room onto the house, including needing more space for the newest addition to the family — your daughter’s goldfish Buffy.
- Even Martha Stewart has deemed your multi-level, hydraulically-operated kitchen is “a bit overdone.”
- You’ve converted the standard stall shower into a “bathing waterfall,” complete with tropical plants.
- Your rear-projection, surround-sound TV room can comfortably seat 43, and you’re trying to make arrangements with Universal for first run films.
- Your dog has a duplex dog house out back, even though he sleeps in bed with you every night.
- The local building department says you can’t add a fourth floor to a house that was originally zoned as a single level dwelling.
- You bought and demolished your next door neighbor’s house to make room for an Olympic size swimming pool.
- You’ve installed a small freight elevator going to your attic.
- You’ve built an FAA-approved helipad on your roof.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Just because you’re handicapped doesn’t mean you have an excuse to enter into a life of crime.
FILE #1: Mark Milverton of Weston-super-Mare, England, was a heroin addict and habitual offender who lost his leg in 2003, but he didn’t let being in a wheelchair keep him from pursuing his career. A court just heard testimony that he rolled up to two men and threatened to knife them if they didn’t hand over their cash. They just walked away. He then threatened to stab an Australian tourist at an ATM, adding, “Do you think I won’t do it?” That would-be victim also simply walked away. He was sentenced to five years for attempted robbery. Even his lawyer admitted he posed “a substantial risk of harm to the public.”
FILE #2: Steven Johnson, 24, of Mobile, Alabama, needed some quick cash, so he decided to steal it. Rob a bank? No. Hold up a grocery store? No. Johnson went for the big bucks. He broke into an elementary school cafeteria and cleaned them out. $2.25 total. They caught him climbing out the window in the back of the school. All that cash must have slowed him down. Now he’s in jail because he can’t make the $4,000 bail.
FILE #3: Polk County Court Judge Anne Taylor has started sentencing drivers cited for violating Lakeland’s noise ordinance to pay 25 dollars in court costs and then to sit in a room and listen to classical music for three hours. No drinking, eating, reading, slouching, or talking is allowed while you’re listening either. What would happen if someone were cited for playing the classics too loud? Says the judge – “Then I would probably make them listen to rock.”
STRANGE LAW: In Halethorpe, Maryland it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.
STRANGE LAWS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM
America has some strange laws, but our neighbors across the pond have some bizarre laws too. For example, when the queen makes a speech before the British parliament, if you die during the speech you can be arrested! According to a UKTV Gold television survey, here are some of the most ridiculous British laws:
- It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
- It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down
- Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day
- In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter
- A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet
- The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen
- It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
- It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armor
- In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Some people don’t quite understand the term “keeping a low profile.”
Barbara A. Hill has problems. Problems with authority, problems with drugs, and now problems getting out of jail. The 21-year-old Arizona girl was recently arrested for possession of marijuana. Oh yeah, and possession of marijuana for sale… and transportation of marijuana for sale. And possession of a dangerous drug and possession of drug paraphernalia. This all happened because of her problem with authority… she made a very inappropriate hand gesture to a police officer – for no apparent reason – while he drove past her car. This prompted him to stop, of course – at which point he was able to charge her with numerous crimes.
I made the comment on Facebook that I’d gotten some melted chocolate on my laptop’s keyboard and was going to use my tongue to clean it up. That promoted a lot of responses from my Facebook friends. So I have to ask you – what’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever done?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who said, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him?”
ANSWER: Job, expressing his confidence in God, after being ‘helped’ by his three comforting friends.
Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him. Job 13:15
QUESTION: How many McDonald’s straws full of water would it take to fill up a 34 gallon bathtub?
ANSWER: 17,000. (A McDonald’s straw will hold just over one-and-a-half teaspoons of whatever you are drinking. This means that it would take 17,000 straw full of water to fill up a 34 gallon bathtub.)
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The maximum lifespan of a goldfish in captivity is 12 years. (False – it’s 25 years)
- The acoustic guitar is the world’s best-selling musical instrument. (False – it’s the harmonica!)
- Sixty-three percent of Americans talk to their cars. (True.)
- Gene Kelly was the first movie star to appear on a postage stamp. (True)
- Long Acre Square was the original name of New York’s Times Square. (True)
- In Greek, “cosmetics” means “skilled in carving.” (False – it means “skilled in decorating”)
- The carjack was invented before the car was. (True – by Leonardo da Vinci)
- The real name of the Tin Man in the “Wizard of Oz” books was Nick Chopper. (True)
- The average lifespan of a $50 bill is ten years. (False – it’s five years)
- If it were removed from the body, the small intestine would stretch to a length of 200 feet. (False – it’s about 22 feet in length.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
_____ OF HEAVEN (TOURS)
MALAYSIA – A tour company is booking trips to Heaven. It’s a trip of a lifetime – you don’t want to miss it!
Most people can only imagine what heaven looks like but now tourists can gain entry to the ultimate destination of happiness in a celestial “Heaven Tour” organized b Kek Eng Seng.
Tourists, all dressed in white, go on a six-hour tour that includes all the highlights – the Gates of St. Peter, wing ceremonies for angels, clouds, bells, and a brief glimpse of the main attraction – God.
It starts with a blessing ceremony at 6pm and then the tourists “take off” for heaven.
Tourists are blindfolded with only yellow cloth as their tickets on the journey to heaven. Participants have to observe a strict vegetarian diet for forty days prior to the tour.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart; all of His commands are user- friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for His name’s sake.
Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my backup.
His password protects me.
He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and my file will be merged with His and saved forever.
Tammy figured that at age seven it was inevitable for her son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus.
Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”
Taking a deep breath, Tammy asked him, “What is that?”
He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”
This story would be sad if it wasn’t so funny. A church in Scotland held a serious discussion on the topic, “Does God believe in atheists?”
The Vietnam News newspaper reports that citizens of Hanoi have killed about 1.7 million mice this year in a government inspired crackdown aimed at controlling the rising numbers of vermin infesting the city. ***MARLAR: There goes any chance of a Disneyland opening in Hanoi.
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the “mulligrubs” sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. “What’s that?” she demanded.
“If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,” said one of the interns, “just press that button.”
“What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked.
“No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” the intern replied.
“A light in the hall?” responded Grandma. “Look, I’m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Imagine trying to lose weight, but when you get on the scale, the ground crumbles beneath you!
This can’t do much for your self-esteem. Some members of Weight Watchers were attending their meeting when suddenly a crater opened up while 40 of them were weighing in. The 8ft deep hole appeared in the car park outside their meeting hall, revealing a WWII air raid shelter. Weight Watchers area service manager Chris Parr said: “I’m sure it wasn’t due to our members’ weight – we shed pounds, we don’t pile them on.”
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING…
By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, “If I were any better, I would be twins!” He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, “I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?”
Jerry replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.’ I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.”
“Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested.
“Yes it is,” Jerry said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live life.” I reflected on what Jerry said.
Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months later. When I asked him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be twins. Wanna see my scars?”
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. “The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door,” Jerry replied. “Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.”
“Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?” I asked.
Jerry continued, “The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, ‘He’s a dead man.’ I knew I needed to take action.” “What did you do?” I asked.
“Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said Jerry. “She asked if I was allergic to anything. ‘Yes,’ I replied.
The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Bullets!’ Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.” Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Some men’s sins are clearly evident… Likewise, the good works of some… and those that are otherwise cannot be hidden. —1 Timothy 5:24-25
A woman had been maligned and misrepresented by an envious co-worker. She was frustrated be-cause her attempts to confront her in private had only made matters worse. So she decided to swallow her pride and let the matter go. She said, “I’m glad the Lord knows the true situation.” She expressed a profound truth that both warns and comforts.
Paul pointed out that nothing can be concealed forever (1 Timothy 5:24-25). This serves as a solemn warning. For example, a news report told about a highly respected person who was arrested for crimes he had been secretly committing for years.
Yet the fact that nothing can be hidden can also be a great consolation. I have known people who never held a position of honor, nor were they recognized for their service. After they died, however, I learned that in their own quiet way they had touched many lives with their kind words and helpful deeds. Their good works could not remain hidden.
We can hide nothing from God—that’s a solemn warning! But it’s also a great comfort, for our heavenly Father knows about every encouraging smile, every kind word, and every loving deed done in Jesus’ name. And someday He will reward us. —Herb Vander Lugt
Be strong and to the will of God be true,
For though your book of life be sealed,
God knows what lies ahead awaiting you,
He knows when it should be revealed. —Anon.
Neither vice nor virtue can remain a secret forever.
NO, NOT THE HOOVER!
When you run the vacuum cleaner, does it drive your husband crazy?
According to British psychologist Dr. Peter Luviner, men detest the sound of the vacuum cleaner. It’s because they instantly associate the sound with when they were young and were stuck inside the house doing chores when they would have rather been outside playing, and just hearing it today can cause men to naturally associate the vacuum cleaner with unpleasant experiences.
LIFE… LIVE IT
FIVE TIPS TO GET YOUR KIDS READING
(Redbook) Parents and teachers alike have struggled for years to figure out why some kids just hate reading. However, by focusing instead on their bookworm-like counterparts, we may find the key to making reading more pleasurable for even the most reluctant reader.
- Travel Without Leaving Home: Inspire curiosity by offering kids something different from what they experience in their day-to-day lives. Pick books from places or time periods different from your own. Once kids find a topic they’re interested in, they’ll be itching to find out more!
- Show Them the Rewards: Kids often don’t see the intrinsic value of reading. Show them the value with rewards they can see. Summer reading programs are great but with the summer ending, consider Pizza Hut’s Book-It program, which rewards kids for meeting afore-set monthly reading goals. For more details, go to bookitprogram.com. Alternatively, you can work with your child to create your own reading rewards system at home.
- Make the Choice to Change Your Voice: Make a habit of reading aloud with your kids; in doing so, you show your children that you find books to be a worthy pastime. Try differentiating between characters by giving them each distinct voices. Stop to talk about the pictures, and practice foreshadowing by inquiring as to what they think will happen next.
- Shake Things Up: After reading the stories, take turns taking the characters on different adventures. What would these particular characters find fun? How would they react in different situations? By giving stories alternate endings and making up sequels, kids are able to understand the characters and their motivations on a deeper level.
- Mini Field Trip: Set aside an hour or so to visit your local library or bookstore. Let the kids peruse the shelves for books that pique their curiosity. Many of these book-nooks offer readings, usually for free. Check your local library for listings.
JUST FOR FUN
ICE CREAM LEGALITIES
A nine-year-old takes on the legal system and wins… just so he can have some ice cream!
If you want something bad enough, you need to work for it. Isn’t that what our parents always told us? Well that’s exactly what nine-year-old Josh Lipshaw decided to do. He was upset that it was against the law for ice-cream vans to come through his neighborhood… so he decided to do a little legal work to remedy the problem. And now, ice cream vans are back on the roads of a Detroit suburb for the first time in 50 years thanks to a nine-year-old boy. Josh collected 165 names for a petition and wrote a letter to the township’s officials urging them to overturn the ban. The rule has now been scrapped. The Board of Trustees voted unanimously to repeal the Michigan township’s ban on “frozen confection vendors” after hearing from Josh. At an earlier meeting, Josh told them: “This is an old law, so I think you should look at it again. I bet many of you enjoyed ice cream trucks when you were kids.” And after their decision to allow vans again, he drew applause from 20 children in the audience when he said: “I want to thank the township board for listening to a nine-year-old and his friends. You took us seriously and not everybody would do that.” ***MARLAR: When interviewed later by a newspaper, Josh said it was as easy as stealing ice cream from a baby.
YOU HAVE INNER STRENGTH
- If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
- If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,
- If you can resist complaining & boring people with your troubles,
- If you can eat the same food every day & be grateful for it,
- If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
- If you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong.
- If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
- If you can face the world without lies & deceit,
- If you can conquer tension without medical help,
- If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
- If you can do all these things… then you are probably the family dog.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Don’t you wish that, whenever you did something wrong, you could just blame it on some unknown, incurable medical condition? Well, it looks as if some people are doing just that!
In trouble at work? No problem… just make up a disease and use it for your excuse as to why you’re behaving inappropriately. In fact, the disease doesn’t really need to exist – just make it up and say it’s a medical condition and, for some strange reason, people accept that you’re simply sick instead of a criminal or irresponsible. Take for example constantly showing up late for work. Just blame it on “Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome” – which is a strong urge to stay out late, followed by an inability to wake up on time, according to Dr. Michael Thorpy, a sleep-disorders specialist. And then there’s the case of Judge Patrick Couwenberg. He padded his resume with lies to make himself look better to prospective employers… but hey, it’s not his fault. He’s suffering from “Pseudologia Fantastica” – a condition doctors offered up to a judicial disciplinary commission. This guy went so far as to get the doctors in on his problems. ***MARLAR: So, I’m curious… what disease are the medical doctors suffering from to come up with excuses for unwanted behavior? “Hypocratical Irresponsibility Syndrome”?
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If you wanted people to eat something, why would you name it succotash?
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
During the last several days, my wife and I have been traveling in Israel. In fact, I’m writing this blog in Tel Aviv. It’s a work assignment for me. Tough duty. Actually, it’s been work and pleasure for both of us.
This is my fifth trip. Our tour buses come equipped with Israeli tour guides, all Jewish. They have a unique and, from my perspective, a challenging assignment.
Each day these guides share insights on biblical sites. They know their Israel history to be sure. But they also know a remarkable amount of the New Testament and they treat it as if it is true. Please understand that I have no doubt these accounts of the Scriptures ARE true.
A few of the guides are what we refer to as Messianic Jews…followers of Jesus of Nazareth. Most are not. Yet many of the travelers conclude that these guides embrace the same beliefs the group members do. Ask them directly and they’ll tell you. But they speak as if they are convinced these events are real so as not to offend.
Is there a problem here? An interesting question. I say this because of a conviction that the best employees are ones who believe in their company, the mission, and the product or service. I realize that is a sliding scale.
Is it somewhat disingenuous to go out and pretend you believe while representing your company? Do you lack integrity or authenticity by becoming an actor for personal gain? And if you really don’t believe, so to speak, why not find a place to work where you love the business or non profit you represent?
An interesting variation of this issue happened with a senior member of our company. Years ago, he was selling advertising at a radio station whose effectiveness he did not question. But he was listening each day to our faith-based station in the market. One day, he decided he should consider a similar position at the radio station that fed his soul. The rest is history.
Now, it could be fairly argued that actors make a living by portraying characters whose personalities are not the same as theirs. Even Joe Namath can be seen in an infomercial pitching some lakeside real estate. Is he being authentic or making a desperate buck? Who knows.
All this is said to encourage you to consider this question about your own work. And if you find sufficient dissatisfaction in the role you are playing, perhaps you would find more happiness in a place you love. And one in which you truly believe.
Jesus confronted those who were not true believers. In Matthew 7, it’s recorded that Jesus said, “Not every one who says to me ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” (NIV) Thus, actions speak more powerfully than words.
Living true to our calling is a wonderful thing. Living in Truth in all of life is even better.
I must go now. My camel is waiting.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
NOVEMBER 06, 2015…
Brooklyn—Saoirse Ronan plays a young woman in Ireland, who decides to go to New York City. It is the 1950’s and not only does she find work, but some romance, too. Adapted from the book by Colm Toibin. Also in the cast is Jim Broadbent. “Brooklyn” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Miss You Already—Toni Collette discovers she has cancer and fights the disease with friend, Drew Barrymore. What can they come up with as therapy? Wild and wacky or sad? What do you think? “Miss You Already” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Peanuts Movie—In 3D animation and what more could you ask for? It is your favorite comic strip characters by Charles M. Schultz, and with Snoopy and the doghouse, too. Voices include Hadley Belle Miller (Lucy), Noah Schnapp (Charlie Brown) and AJ Teeco (Pig Pen.) “The Peanuts Movie” is rated PG. Enjoy.
Spectre—Daniel Craig is back as James Bond in this thriller with Christoph Waltz as the evil one. Bond goes around the globe again, and with beautiful women including Lila Seydoux and Monica Bellucci. Although some are already choosing the next James Bond, I don’t think Daniel Craig will give up that easy .Always great stunts. I always thought, though, that Pierce Brosnan had a few Bond films left in him. “Spectra” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.
Spotlight—This film is about uncovering the sex abuse scandal concerning the Catholic Church in Boston in the early part of the 21st century. The Boston Globe got wind of what was happening and really dug into it. The Globe got the 2003 Pulitzer Prize for it’s reporting. Some of the stars are Mark Ruffalo, Rachel McAdams and Michael Keaton. “Spotlight” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans of the stars.
Trumbo—Bryan Cranston takes on the role of writer Dalton Trumbo, who was Hollywood blacklisted in the 1940’s when it was alleged he was a communist. Trumbo fought this, but the blacklist remained. “Trumbo” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the star.
NOVEMBER 13, 2015…
The 33 with Antonio Banderas as one of the Chilean miners trapped underground.
By The Sea with Angelina Jolie-Pitt and Brad Pitt is a commentary on married life with problems.
Love The Coopers stars Diane Keaton in a comedy about a family gathering at Christmas.
Shelter has Jennifer Connelly in a drama about being homeless. Directed by her husband, Paul Bettany.
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