November 08, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161108

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

(Save this one for Monday, obviously!) Monday already?  Man, the weekend flies by when you spend two whole days trying to come up with a funny line to start off Monday’s show.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against You.” –Psalm 119:11

1 Peter 1:18-19 = For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.

I urge, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone – for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. — 1 Timothy 2:1-2

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work. — 1 John 3:8

Thought: Two simple truths: 1) The person who continues to live a life caught up in sin is of the devil. 2) The Son of God came to destroy all that the devil stands for. So, I guess the issue isn’t as complex as we sometimes make it, which leads me to a final thought: Who are we going to side with in this heavenly war?

Prayer: Almighty and victorious King of the Ages, you are the only rightful ruler of my heart. I pledge my allegiance to you. Please help me as I seek to lay aside my struggles with sin and empower me to live for you in unwavering loyalty. In the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Proverbs 11:8 NIV = The righteous man is rescued from trouble, and it comes on the wicked instead.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – NOVEMBER 08, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
46 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is COOK SOMETHING BOLD AND PUNGENT DAY.  A day to use all the cabbage and garlic you want. ***Or get your pungency from your boss taking his shoes off.

PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS WEEK begins today. ***One suggestion – don’t cook anything bold and pungent while pursuing your happiness.

Today is NATIONAL AMPLE TIME DAY, a day to think about managing our time better so we can enjoy the important things. ***Gee, if only I had some ample time so I could think about how to manage my ample time…

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Abet and Aid Punsters Day

Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day

Dunce Day

Election Day

National Parents as Teachers Day

National S.T.E.M./S.T.E.A.M. Day

National Young Readers’ Day

X-Ray Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 09

Kristallnacht

World Freedom Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10

Area Code Day

International Tempranillo Day

Marine Corps Birthday

NET Cancer Awareness Day

Sesame Street Day

Windows Day (Microsoft)

World Science Day for Peace and Development

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11

Death/Duty Day

Origami Day

Red Lipstick Day

Veterans Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12

Fancy Rat & Mouse Day

World Pneumonia Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13

International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church

World Kindness Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14

International Girls Day

International Selfie Day

Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day

National American Teddy Bear Day

National Spicy Guacamole Day

National Pickle Day

Operating Room Nurse Day

Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day

World Diabetes Day

World Orphans Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15

America Recycles Day

George Spelvin Day (More Than One Role Day)

I Love to Write Day

National Bundt Pan Day

National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

National Entrepreneurship Day

National Philanthropy Day

Rock Your Mocs Day

ON THIS DAY

1887: Frontier dentist “Doc” Holliday died of tuberculosis in Glenwood Springs, Colorado, at age 35.

1913: Indiana’s Clair Scott kicked football’s worst punt. With the ball on the 3-yard-line, Scott punted from his own end zone. The wind caught the ball and carried it back into the end zone, where an Iowa player caught it for a touchdown.

1985: Police in Portsmouth, England, arrested three men dressed as Batman, Robin, and Superman following a bar brawl. Later the same night, at another nightclub police hauled off three more costumed brawlers: Popeye the Sailor, Spiderman, and an Australian Desert Rat.

1995: The Beijing government ordered a crackdown on a booming industry in illegal luxury cemeteries springing up on the outskirts of Chinese cities. Cremation is compulsory in Chinese cities to save valuable land.

1995: The Swedish news service reported that members of the nation’s anti-terrorist police force were resigning because there was no terrorism in Sweden and the job was boring.

2002: During a tour of an eagle enclosure at Stellenbosch, South Africa, Wally the trained eagle swooped down onto Natasha Mayhook’s arm, just like her boyfriend Sean Connolly had planned. Sean fell to one knee and asked Natasha to marry him. The engagement ring was hanging around Wally’s neck. Both Sean and Natasha has a passion for birds, and Sean said since eagles mate for life, he felt it would an appropriate way to express his love. His biggest fear was either she’d say no or have her armed ripped off. She said yes and Wally got a big pat on the feathers.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1837: Mt. Holyoke Seminary first opened in Massachusetts. Founded by Mary Lyon, 39, it was the first college in the U.S. established specifically for the education of women.

1889: Birth of Oswald J. Smith, Canadian clergyman. Founder of the People’s Church of Toronto, Smith also authored a number of books and composed more than 1,200 hymns, including “The Song of the Soul Set Free.”

1904: Emile Combs introduced a bill for the separation of Church and State in France. The bill passed in December

1905, thereby ending the Concordat of 1801 and allowing complete liberty of conscience.

1951: American Presbyterian missionary Francis Schaeffer wrote in a letter: ‘The higher the mountains, the more understandable is the glory of Him who made them and who holds them in His hand.’

1952: English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter: ‘When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now…. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (My Boss’ Daughter, Josie and the Pussycats, Sharknado) Tara Reid, 41

  • Actress (You’ve Got Mail, Best In Show, Superman Returns) Parker Posey, 48

  • Actress (“Melrose Place”, “Two And a Half Men”, “According to Jim”, Summer School) Courtney Thorne-Smith, 49 (audio clip)

  • TV hostess (“Entertainment Tonight”) Mary Hart, 66 — In 1991, news sources reported that an unidentified woman had suffered from an epileptic seizure caused by the voice of Mary. When the woman stopped watching the show, the seizures stopped. (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Ken Dodd

1927 : Patti Page

1941 : Rodney Slater (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)

1942 : Gerald Alston (The Manhattans)

1942 : John Perez (The Sir Douglas Quintet)

1944 : Bonnie Lynne Bramlett (Delaney and Bonnie)

1945 : Don Murray (The Turtles)

1946 : Roy Wood: (The Move, Electric Light Orchestra, Wizzard)

1947 : Minnie Riperton

1949 : Bonnie Raitt

1949 : Alan Berger (Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes)

1954 : Rickie Lee Jones

1961 : Leif Garrett

1970 : Diana King

1977 : Bucky Covington

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How old is coffee?

At McDonald’s, about five hours old… but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Avicenna, an Arabian philosopher, introduced coffee as a medicinal tonic around 1000 AD. He called it “bunc.” The drink didn’t really catch on as a social beverage in Persia and Arabia until the 16th century.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Citizenway’s Ben Calhoun is a pretty good quarterback. He posted a video as he played catch with a random stranger on a boat in Central Park, New York. That’s right, Ben was on a bridge over the river and was playing catch with some strangers in a boat below. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMcgXE0jA8b/

The latest vlog from Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard is now available. Jon shows off his new cast after breaking his hand and also documents the difficulty of travel. https://youtu.be/x-S_Dv1GSVk

Building 429 wants you to call them with your stories. They recently posted a phone number where you can leave the band a message and said they will return as many calls as possible. After just a few days the members of Building 429 say they have been hearing some unbelievable stories. They added: Love the amazing conversations we’ve been having. The phone line is still available. The number is 629-777-5870.

How do you measure success in the world obsessed with numbers and growth? Jimmy Needham answers that question in his new article for the website Desiring God. http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/dying-to-make-god-famous

A good reminder from Moriah Peters. She posted this thought as she stood in front of a cactus: Just as a cactus flower blossoms between thorns, beauty can bloom amongst adversity.

https://twitter.com/MoriahPeters/status/794398965659738112/photo/1

Natalie Grant says you can’t make this stuff up. During the meet and greet before one of her shows over the weekend Natalie met a precious mom and daughter. The mom’s name: Amy Grant. The daughter’s name? Natalie Grant.

Lauren Daigle says Daddy Daughter dates shaped her childhood and continue to shaper her adulthood. She joined her dad this weekend for an impromptu trip the the LSU game.

Amy Grant will be part of several events helping to kick off the holidays. Grant recently released her newest Christmas project, titled Tennessee Christmas. This week it was announced that Amy will make an appearance on the Hallmark Channel’s “Home & Family: Home for the Holidays”, airing on November 17, and will also perform the title track from the album on the CMA’s Country Christmas airing on ABC November 28.

Citizenway’s David Blasco was having a sense of deja vu. On November 5th of 2015 he spent the day in Manhattan. Over the weekend he posted that he also spent the day in Manhattan on November 5th, 2016. We’ll have to wait a year to see if he goes 3 for 3.

Don’t post mean-spirited things on Jamie Grace’s social media pages if you want her to continue following you. She posted: I LOVE following back but will QUICKLY unfollow pages that proclaim to spread the love of Jesus yet tweet/retweet unChristlike things about any candidate, party or any human for that matter. stay informed. vote. and pray! but if its disrespectful, I will love you from afar.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police in New Jersey have arrested 59-year-old Stephen Wojciehowski after he spent two days on the beach wearing nothing but a homemade bikini. That in itself wouldn’t have been cause for arrest. The problem was because he made the thing out of clear plastic wrap! Officers say he was clearly exposed and seen by other beachgoers. He’s now facing a lewdness charge. When reporters attempted to call his home a woman answered and said “nobody’s here” and hung up.  ***Well, that’s probably true – I think we can all agree that the light is on but nobody’s home.

An overwhelming majority of voters are disgusted by the state of American politics. A recent poll found that most voters also harbor doubts that either major-party nominee can unite the country after a historically ugly presidential campaign. The poll found that 82 percent of respondents were disgusted by the 2016 election.  ***Even worse, considering the candidates, no matter who gets elected we will remain disgusted for at least another four years!

Sweden wants everyone talking about contraceptives. So in a video message to NASA, the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education (RFSU) points out that since the U.S. has a long history of sending objects into outer space, they should send a condom. The RFSU points out that the condom is one of civilization’s greatest inventions and could prove quite useful if aliens visit our planet and “find some hot Earthlings.” ***I’d rather they just abduct a few earthlings… starting with this year’s Presidential candidates.

The Trump campaign team took away his Twitter account (at least until today’s election is over). It appears Trump’s last tweet was sent Thursday morning.  ***So I guess one good thing DID come out of this election process!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The journal Neuron reports that a study by Oxford Prof. Edmund Rolls proved that words can influence the way something tastes or smells. The findings confirm that diners perceive a restaurant as being better when the menu and waiter provide flowery descriptions of the wines and dishes. For instance, test subjects rated a scent as more pleasant when they were told it was called “cheddar cheese” than when it was called “body odor.”  ***My favorite snack was cheddar cheese… up until now, that is.

A Japanese company is working on an elevator to space. They plan to have it in operation by 2050.  ***No thanks.  I can’t handle instrumental soft-rock versions of Led Zeplin songs in the elevators now going up only four floors.  I’m not about to be able to handle Muzak heading in an elevator to space.

University researchers in Rome believe that the moon’s gravity is slowly pulling all the continents westward. ***No wonder our country keeps moving to the left… it’s because we’re moving to the left!

A new study says that binge watching brings couples closer. ***That’s because neither one has the energy left to get off the couch.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Alphabet Song”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mike Williams, “Country Crock”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Racquet the Skunk made new single-notched badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles – but they all broke during their first game. But instead of making things right with his friends, Racquet is just trying to sell them more defective badminton racquets so he can get rich…

CLOSE: I can’t believe Racquet is so greedy that he’d prefer to get rich by ripping his friend off rather than be honest and help them like a true friend. I hope he comes to his senses soon. Tune in next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 12/13

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were scared senseless – to the point of selling all of their possessions and wanting to move – all because of a mysterious giant-footed monster that’s been leaving footprints in the jungle! But Sully had an idea… maybe it’s all a big joke!

CLOSE: If this keeps up, we’re never going to find out where those giant footprints came from! I can’t believe all of the jungle animals are such cowards! But then, I don’t have to deal with mysterious, giant footprints suddenly appearing in my yard! Tune in for more of our story next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

SEEKING customers for your business is usually a good thing.  But MAKING customers for your business can be a little “iffy.”

Jerry Sims was a locksmith in Kansas City who would place a sticker for his business on the doors of various businesses around town. Then, a few days later, late at night, Jerry would return and squirt a little glue in the lock, hoping, of course, that the business would call him to come fix the lock. Things were going fine until he was caught on a security camera at one of the businesses. The owner was viewing the tape and couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the man on the tape was the same guy now repairing his lock. He’s been arrested. ***MARLAR: And will be spending time now behind locked cell doors – without his tools.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU’VE GONE OVERBOARD ON HOME IMPROVEMENT (audio clip)

  • You’ve built a drive-thru car wash in the second slot of your 2-car garage.
  • You’ll use any excuse to add a new room onto the house, including needing more space for the newest addition to the family — your daughter’s goldfish Buffy.
  • Even Martha Stewart has deemed your multi-level, hydraulically-operated kitchen is “a bit overdone.”
  • You’ve converted the standard stall shower into a “bathing waterfall,” complete with tropical plants.
  • Your rear-projection, surround-sound TV room can comfortably seat 43, and you’re trying to make arrangements with Universal for first run films.
  • Your dog has a duplex dog house out back, even though he sleeps in bed with you every night.
  • The local building department says you can’t add a fourth floor to a house that was originally zoned as a single level dwelling.
  • You bought and demolished your next door neighbor’s house to make room for an Olympic size swimming pool.
  • You’ve installed a small freight elevator going to your attic.
  • You’ve built an FAA-approved helipad on your roof.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Just because you’re handicapped doesn’t mean you have an excuse to enter into a life of crime.

FILE #1: Mark Milverton of Weston-super-Mare, England, was a heroin addict and habitual offender who lost his leg in 2003, but he didn’t let being in a wheelchair keep him from pursuing his career. A court just heard testimony that he rolled up to two men and threatened to knife them if they didn’t hand over their cash. They just walked away. He then threatened to stab an Australian tourist at an ATM, adding, “Do you think I won’t do it?” That would-be victim also simply walked away. He was sentenced to five years for attempted robbery. Even his lawyer admitted he posed “a substantial risk of harm to the public.”

FILE #2: Steven Johnson, 24, of Mobile, Alabama, needed some quick cash, so he decided to steal it. Rob a bank? No. Hold up a grocery store? No. Johnson went for the big bucks. He broke into an elementary school cafeteria and cleaned them out. $2.25 total. They caught him climbing out the window in the back of the school. All that cash must have slowed him down. Now he’s in jail because he can’t make the $4,000 bail.

FILE #3: Polk County Court Judge Anne Taylor has started sentencing drivers cited for violating Lakeland’s noise ordinance to pay 25 dollars in court costs and then to sit in a room and listen to classical music for three hours. No drinking, eating, reading, slouching, or talking is allowed while you’re listening either. What would happen if someone were cited for playing the classics too loud? Says the judge – “Then I would probably make them listen to rock.”

STRANGE LAW: In Halethorpe, Maryland it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.

STRANGE LAWS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM

America has some strange laws, but our neighbors across the pond have some bizarre laws too. For example, when the queen makes a speech before the British parliament, if you die during the speech you can be arrested! According to a UKTV Gold television survey, here are some of the most ridiculous British laws:

  • It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

  • It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down

  • Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day

  • In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter

  • A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet

  • The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen

  • It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing

  • It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armor

  • In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Some people don’t quite understand the term “keeping a low profile.”

Barbara A. Hill has problems.  Problems with authority, problems with drugs, and now problems getting out of jail.  The 21-year-old Arizona girl was recently arrested for possession of marijuana.  Oh yeah, and possession of marijuana for sale… and transportation of marijuana for sale.  And possession of a dangerous drug and possession of drug paraphernalia.  This all happened because of her problem with authority… she made a very inappropriate hand gesture to a police officer – for no apparent reason – while he drove past her car.  This prompted him to stop, of course – at which point he was able to charge her with numerous crimes.

PHONER PHUN

I made the comment on Facebook that I’d gotten some melted chocolate on my laptop’s keyboard and was going to use my tongue to clean it up. That promoted a lot of responses from my Facebook friends. So I have to ask you – what’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever done?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him?”
ANSWER: Job, expressing his confidence in God, after being ‘helped’ by his three comforting friends.
Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him. Job 13:15

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many McDonald’s straws full of water would it take to fill up a 34 gallon bathtub?

ANSWER: 17,000. (A McDonald’s straw will hold just over one-and-a-half teaspoons of whatever you are drinking. This means that it would take 17,000 straw full of water to fill up a 34 gallon bathtub.)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The maximum lifespan of a goldfish in captivity is 12 years. (False – it’s 25 years)

2. The acoustic guitar is the world’s best-selling musical instrument. (False – it’s the harmonica!)

3. Sixty-three percent of Americans talk to their cars. (True.)

4. Gene Kelly was the first movie star to appear on a postage stamp. (True)

5. Long Acre Square was the original name of New York’s Times Square. (True)

6. In Greek, “cosmetics” means “skilled in carving.” (False – it means “skilled in decorating”)

7. The carjack was invented before the car was. (True – by Leonardo da Vinci)

8. The real name of the Tin Man in the “Wizard of Oz” books was Nick Chopper. (True)

9. The average lifespan of a $50 bill is ten years. (False – it’s five years)

10. If it were removed from the body, the small intestine would stretch to a length of 200 feet. (False – it’s about 22 feet in length.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ OF HEAVEN (TOURS)

MALAYSIA –  A tour company is booking trips to Heaven.   It’s a trip of a lifetime – you don’t want to miss it!

Most people can only imagine what heaven looks like but  now tourists can gain entry to the ultimate destination of happiness in a celestial “Heaven Tour” organized b Kek Eng Seng.

Tourists, all dressed in white, go on a six-hour tour that includes all the highlights – the Gates of St. Peter,  wing ceremonies for angels, clouds, bells, and a brief glimpse of the main attraction – God.

It starts with a blessing ceremony at 6pm and then the tourists  “take off” for heaven.

Tourists are blindfolded with only yellow cloth as their tickets on the journey to heaven.  Participants have to observe a strict vegetarian diet for forty days prior to the tour.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

JOKE #2

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.

He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart; all of His commands are user-

friendly.

His directory guides me to the right choices for His name’s sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my backup.

His password protects me.

He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.

His help is only a keystroke away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and my file will be merged with His and saved forever.

Amen.

JOKE #3

Tammy figured that at age seven it was inevitable for her son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus.

Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Taking a deep breath, Tammy asked him, “What is that?”

He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

USELESS FACTS

On October 15, 1794, the first silver dollar coins were released to be circulated to the public.  ***And back then they were worth a whole dollar.  Nowadays….

The Mexican Jumping Bean is not a bean. It is actually a thin-shelled section of a seed capsule containing the larva of a small gray moth called the jumping bean moth (Laspeyresia saltitans).  ***Yep – when you play with a Mexican Jumping Bean, you’re actually playing with a maggot.  Have a nice day.

FEATURED FUNNIES

NEVER SICK

Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the “mulligrubs” sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. “What’s that?” she demanded.
“If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,” said one of the interns, “just press that button.”
“What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked.
“No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” the intern replied.
“A light in the hall?” responded Grandma. “Look, I’m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

HEAVY SITUATION

Imagine trying to lose weight, but when you get on the scale, the ground crumbles beneath you!   

This can’t do much for your self-esteem. Some members of Weight Watchers were attending their meeting when suddenly a crater opened up while 40 of them were weighing in. The 8ft deep hole appeared in the car park outside their meeting hall, revealing a WWII air raid shelter. Weight Watchers area service manager Chris Parr said: “I’m sure it wasn’t due to our members’ weight – we shed pounds, we don’t pile them on.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING…

By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, “If I were any better, I would be twins!” He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, “I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?”

Jerry replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.’ I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.”

“Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested.

“Yes it is,” Jerry said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live life.” I reflected on what Jerry said.

Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months later. When I asked him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be twins. Wanna see my scars?”

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. “The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door,” Jerry replied. “Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.”

“Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?” I asked.

Jerry continued, “The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, ‘He’s a dead man.’ I knew I needed to take action.” “What did you do?” I asked.

“Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said Jerry. “She asked if I was allergic to anything. ‘Yes,’ I replied.

The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Bullets!’ Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.” Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

NOTHING HIDDEN

Some men’s sins are clearly evident… Likewise, the good works of some… and those that are otherwise cannot be hidden. —1 Timothy 5:24-25

A woman had been maligned and misrepresented by an envious co-worker. She was frustrated be-cause her attempts to confront her in private had only made matters worse. So she decided to swallow her pride and let the matter go. She said, “I’m glad the Lord knows the true situation.” She expressed a profound truth that both warns and comforts.

Paul pointed out that nothing can be concealed forever (1 Timothy 5:24-25). This serves as a solemn warning. For example, a news report told about a highly respected person who was arrested for crimes he had been secretly committing for years.

Yet the fact that nothing can be hidden can also be a great consolation. I have known people who never held a position of honor, nor were they recognized for their service. After they died, however, I learned that in their own quiet way they had touched many lives with their kind words and helpful deeds. Their good works could not remain hidden.

We can hide nothing from God—that’s a solemn warning! But it’s also a great comfort, for our heavenly Father knows about every encouraging smile, every kind word, and every loving deed done in Jesus’ name. And someday He will reward us. —Herb Vander Lugt

Be strong and to the will of God be true,
For though your book of life be sealed,
God knows what lies ahead awaiting you,
He knows when it should be revealed. —Anon.

Neither vice nor virtue can remain a secret forever.

LEFTOVERS

NO, NOT THE HOOVER!

When you run the vacuum cleaner, does it drive your husband crazy?

According to British psychologist Dr. Peter Luviner, men detest the sound of the vacuum cleaner. It’s because they instantly associate the sound with when they were young and were stuck inside the house doing chores when they would have rather been outside playing, and just hearing it today can cause men to naturally associate the vacuum cleaner with unpleasant experiences.

LIFE… LIVE IT

FIVE TIPS TO GET YOUR KIDS READING

(Redbook) Parents and teachers alike have struggled for years to figure out why some kids just hate reading. However, by focusing instead on their bookworm-like counterparts, we may find the key to making reading more pleasurable for even the most reluctant reader.

  • Travel Without Leaving Home: Inspire curiosity by offering kids something different from what they experience in their day-to-day lives. Pick books from places or time periods different from your own. Once kids find a topic they’re interested in, they’ll be itching to find out more!
  • Show Them the Rewards: Kids often don’t see the intrinsic value of reading. Show them the value with rewards they can see. Summer reading programs are great but with the summer ending, consider Pizza Hut’s Book-It program, which rewards kids for meeting afore-set monthly reading goals. For more details, go to bookitprogram.com. Alternatively, you can work with your child to create your own reading rewards system at home.
  • Make the Choice to Change Your Voice: Make a habit of reading aloud with your kids; in doing so, you show your children that you find books to be a worthy pastime. Try differentiating between characters by giving them each distinct voices. Stop to talk about the pictures, and practice foreshadowing by inquiring as to what they think will happen next.
  • Shake Things Up: After reading the stories, take turns taking the characters on different adventures. What would these particular characters find fun? How would they react in different situations? By giving stories alternate endings and making up sequels, kids are able to understand the characters and their motivations on a deeper level.
  • Mini Field Trip: Set aside an hour or so to visit your local library or bookstore. Let the kids peruse the shelves for books that pique their curiosity. Many of these book-nooks offer readings, usually for free. Check your local library for listings.

JUST FOR FUN

ICE CREAM LEGALITIES

A nine-year-old takes on the legal system and wins… just so he can have some ice cream!

If you want something bad enough, you need to work for it. Isn’t that what our parents always told us? Well that’s exactly what nine-year-old Josh Lipshaw decided to do. He was upset that it was against the law for ice-cream vans to come through his neighborhood… so he decided to do a little legal work to remedy the problem. And now, ice cream vans are back on the roads of a Detroit suburb for the first time in 50 years thanks to a nine-year-old boy. Josh collected 165 names for a petition and wrote a letter to the township’s officials urging them to overturn the ban. The rule has now been scrapped. The Board of Trustees voted unanimously to repeal the Michigan township’s ban on “frozen confection vendors” after hearing from Josh. At an earlier meeting, Josh told them: “This is an old law, so I think you should look at it again. I bet many of you enjoyed ice cream trucks when you were kids.” And after their decision to allow vans again, he drew applause from 20 children in the audience when he said: “I want to thank the township board for listening to a nine-year-old and his friends. You took us seriously and not everybody would do that.” ***MARLAR: When interviewed later by a newspaper, Josh said it was as easy as stealing ice cream from a baby.

FUN LIST

YOU HAVE INNER STRENGTH

  • If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

  • If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,

  • If you can resist complaining & boring people with your troubles,

  • If you can eat the same food every day & be grateful for it,

  • If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

  • If you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong.

  • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

  • If you can face the world without lies & deceit,

  • If you can conquer tension without medical help,

  • If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

  • If you can do all these things… then you are probably the family dog.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

EXCUSES, EXCUSES…

Don’t you wish that, whenever you did something wrong, you could just blame it on some unknown, incurable medical condition? Well, it looks as if some people are doing just that!

In trouble at work? No problem… just make up a disease and use it for your excuse as to why you’re behaving inappropriately. In fact, the disease doesn’t really need to exist – just make it up and say it’s a medical condition and, for some strange reason, people accept that you’re simply sick instead of a criminal or irresponsible. Take for example constantly showing up late for work. Just blame it on “Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome” – which is a strong urge to stay out late, followed by an inability to wake up on time, according to Dr. Michael Thorpy, a sleep-disorders specialist. And then there’s the case of Judge Patrick Couwenberg. He padded his resume with lies to make himself look better to prospective employers… but hey, it’s not his fault. He’s suffering from “Pseudologia Fantastica” – a condition doctors offered up to a judicial disciplinary commission. This guy went so far as to get the doctors in on his problems.  ***MARLAR: So, I’m curious… what disease are the medical doctors suffering from to come up with excuses for unwanted behavior? “Hypocratical Irresponsibility Syndrome”?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

This story actually scared me a little bit because I know people this would apply to.  If you consume an energy drink more than once a day, listen up!  For three weeks, a Florida construction worker drank four or five energy drinks per day to help keep up with his intense workload. Then his body went crazy. Reporting in the British Medical Journal, the 50-year-old man started gulping down energy drinks on the job but suddenly began vomiting after about three weeks. Soon, his skin turned yellow, but it wasn’t the caffeine or even the sugar that was the problem. It turned out to be liver damage and a biopsy confirmed he had acute hepatitis, believed to have been brought on by high intake of vitamin B3, or niacin, found in his energy drink of choice. Just one actually contained 200% of the daily recommended dose! In safe quantities, niacin — also found in green vegetables, meat, and eggs — can improve cholesterol levels and liver function and lower cardiovascular risk. But it also wreaks havoc on the body if too much is consumed. Though the man’s daily intake of 160 to 200 milligrams was below the toxic level, the accumulation of niacin over three weeks was enough to do serious damage. Luckily, the guy recovered and was told to avoid similar niacin-rich products in the future. (British Medical Journal)

If you like drinking hot cocoa every day, don’t stop!  Drinking two cups of hot chocolate a day could help preserve your memory and keep your thinking skills sharp, according to researchers from Harvard Medical School in Boston, Massachusetts. Of the 60 participants, 18 had impaired blood flow to the brain at the start of the study. Those people had an 8.3 percent improvement in the blood flow to the working areas of the brain by the end of the study, while there was no improvement for those who started out with regular blood flow. The people with impaired blood flow also improved their times on a test of working memory, with scores dropping from 167 seconds at the beginning of the study to 116 seconds at the end. There was no change in times for people with regular blood flow. Half of the study participants received hot cocoa that was rich in the antioxidant Flavanol, while the other half received Flavanol-poor hot cocoa. There were no differences between the two groups in the results.

Apparently a unique diet is required for a long life. One year after the world’s oldest living person, a resident of New York, revealed she ate bacon every day, the Italian woman who succeeded her as the world’s oldest living person is opening up about her love of eggs — a daily part of her diet for almost a century. Born in 1899, Emma Morano will turn 117 next month. She said “I eat two eggs a day, and that’s it. And cookies. But I do not eat much because I have no teeth.” http://on.today.com/2f6QzMC

It’s November and that means Thanksgiving is coming quickly and Christmas isn’t far behind. If you’re a member of a step family and already dreading the holiday stress, Family Life Today wants you to check out a recent Facebook live broadcast. They talked with Ron Deal about navigating the holidays. Watch the broadcast at http://ow.ly/Sgzf305VHsm

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you wanted people to eat something, why would you name it succotash?

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 04, 2016…

Bleed For This—Miles Teller (“Whiplash”) takes on the role of boxer Vinny “The Pazamanian Devil” Pazienza in this story of the boxer who had a near-fatal accident and yet wants to go back into the boxing ring. Is this a death wish?  “Bleed For This” is rated R. Rating of 2 for boxing fans.

Doctor Strange—Benedict Cumberbatch (and does this busy actor ever sleep?)  goes for the role of a surgeon who has an accident to his hands, goes away to contemplate and meets Tilda Swinton (just about unrecognizable) who teaches him about time and dimensions. Great special effects. “Doctor Strange” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans. Another character from comic books.

Hacksaw Ridge– Mel Gibson has a directing role in this film based on the life of a WWII conscientious objector, who also wins a Medal Of Honor. The man is Desmond Doss and played by Andrew Garfield (formerly “Spider-Man”). “Hacksaw Ridge” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Trolls—Those little troll dolls of a few years ago, you must remember the fad. Well, they are back in their own film complete with rainbow-colored tall hair-do’s and a Technicolor life. Voices of Anna Kendrick, Justin Timberlake and James Corden. “Trolls” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

NOVEMBER 11, 2016…

Almost Christmas tells the story of a father who wants a peaceful Christmas instead of the usual family get-together. Good luck. Stars Danny Glover.

Arrival is a science fiction film starring Amy Adams as a linguist who tries to speak to aliens.

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk is based on Ben Fountain’s book of a young Iraq war soldier. Stars Joe Alwyn.

Elle stars Elizabeth Huppert who plays a woman who has been assaulted.

Shut In concerns a child psychologist and a little boy who are snowed in. Stars Naomi Watts.

*Hopefully, this is the release date—USS Indianapolis: Men Of Courage is about the sinking of this ship during WWII and how men survived. Stars Nicholas Cage and Tom Sizemore.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.