***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)
AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161110
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Albert Einstein, was once asked to describe radio. Here’s the direct quote: “You see wire telegraph is a kind of a very very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” –James 1:26-27
Deuteronomy 31:6 = Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. — 1 Peter 3:8
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. — 1 John 2:17
Thought: So much of what we pursue is fleeting. Once we acquire it, we have to try to preserve it because we know it will soon be gone. God has promised us that just as he is eternal and will live forever, so also are those who pursue a relationship with him and are committed to do his will. So let’s sit down and look at how we spend our time, our money, and our efforts and ask if what we are pursuing is really something that is worth having. Then let’s ask one more important question: “Even if it is worth having, is it going to last long enough to make a difference?”
Prayer: Eternal Father, please give me the courage to be honest about what I am pursuing with my life. I want it to count for your cause. I want to make a difference for good. Some of that desire, I confess, is self-serving. However, dear Father, I truly do want to have a life that impacts others for good and that brings you honor. I don’t want to waste my time chasing after things that won’t last and don’t matter. Please give me the spiritual wisdom to follow your will and find your life rather than chasing the shadow values of my culture. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)
Luke 11:10 NIV = For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – NOVEMBER 10, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 44 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is WINDOWS DAY. Microsoft released its Windows computer operating system on this date in 1983. ***Making the entire world a better place by sharing with everyone the joy of the blue screen of death.
Tonight is SLEEP DANGEROUSLY NIGHT, a night to switch sides of the bed with your spouse. ***“Dangerous” is right… you’d likely forget at 2AM which side of the bed you were on and accidentally roll over your spouse in order to make it to the bathroom.
Today is FORGET ME NOT DAY. ***Ironically, I’ve completely forgotten why they call it that.
Today is TOOTHPASTE APPRECIATION DAY. ***And with me talking so close to your ears, I’m sure you appreciate my using toothpaste today.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Area Code Day
Marine Corps Birthday
Sesame Street Day
Windows Day (Microsoft)
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11
Red Lipstick Day
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12
World Pneumonia Day
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14
International Girls Day
Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day
National Pickle Day
Operating Room Nurse Day
Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day
World Diabetes Day
World Orphans Day
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15
America Recycles Day
George Spelvin Day (More Than One Role Day)
I Love to Write Day
National Bundt Pan Day
National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
National Entrepreneurship Day
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17
Homemade Bread Day
ON THIS DAY
1908: The first Gideon Bible was placed in a room in the Superior Hotel in Iron Mountain, Montana.
1969: “Sesame Street,” starring a big yellow bird and a little green frog, debuted on PBS television.
1975: The ore-hauling ship Edmund Fitzgerald and its crew of 29 vanished during a storm on Lake Superior.
1980: A masked bandit wearing a motorcycle helmet pulled a toy pistol on a storekeeper in Scarborough, England, and escaped with $250. He was arrested quickly, however, because the storekeeper noticed the man’s helmet had been personalized with his name.
1983: Microsoft released Windows, an extension of MS-DOS, a personal computer operating system with a graphical user interface.
1991: In Columbus, Ohio, Tim Badayna ran a 26-mile marathon in 4 hours 15 seconds… backwards!
1991: Lightening the pet turtle of Hutchinson, Kansas, snapped onto an 8-year-old’s upper lip and wouldn’t turn loose. The parents called 911, but before help arrived they offered Lightening a carrot and he let go. The boy’s lip was swelled, but okay.
1995: A 12-year medical study of 2,443 babies at a Melbourne hospital concluded that Australian children are born more laid-back, easy-going, and happier than other children.
1997: A wet diaper alarm was among the newest inventions at the 46th annual Inventors Fair in Brussels. Though most babies have built-in wetness alarms, the Moroccan inventor felt his electronic beeping baby belt might find admirers in a gadget-loving world.
2003: A truck driver crashed his semi-trailer while trying to change clothes as he drove 60 mph on a northern Indiana highway near LaPorte. The 59-year-old driver said he set his cruise control, but he misjudged a curve and rolled the truck off the road. The driver was not hurt and was fully clothed when police arrived.
2004: Shell Hydrogen opened the first hydrogen outlet at a gas station in Washington to service fuel cell vehicles from General Motors.
2007: Ayesha Khan’s father warned police in Sheffield, England, to make certain there was nothing on any records that might harm his daughter’s future. Mohamed and Sharna Khan had been notified their daughter had been driving 65 mph in a 40 mph zone. They explained Ayesha was only two years old. Police checked the ticketed car’s registration and apologized for the mistake.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1766: In New Brunswick, New Jersey, Queen’s College was chartered under the Dutch Reformed Church, to provide education “…especially in divinity, preparing [youth] for the ministry and other good offices.” The present name of the school, Rutgers University, was adopted in 1924.
1770: French philosopher Francois Voltaire, 75, uttered his famous remark: ‘If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.’
1871: Following seven months of searching, foreign correspondent to the “New York Herald” Henry M. Stanley succeeded at last in locating Scottish missionary David Livingstone in Ujiji, Central Africa. Stanley prefaced his encounter with these words: ‘Dr. Livingstone, I presume.’
1952: English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter: ‘I believe that, in the present divided state of Christendom, those who are at the heart of each division are all closer to one another than those who are at the fringes.’
1977: It was announced that Pope Paul VI had ended the automatic excommunication imposed on divorced American Catholics who remarried. (The excommunication was first imposed by the Plenary Council of American Bishops in 1884.)
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
Comedian/actor (“Saturday Night Live”) Tracy Morgan, 48
Actress (Julie on “One Day At A Time”) Mackenzie Phillips, 57 (audio clip)
Comedian/actor (Jingle All The Way) Sinbad, 60
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1907 : Jane Froman
1916 : Billy May
1932 : Paul Bley
1939 : Tommy Facenda
1940 : Screaming Lord Sutch
1941 : Kyu Sakamoto
1944 : Tim Rice
1945 : Donna Fargo
1947 : Dave Loggins
1947 : Glenn Buxton (Alice Cooper Band)
1948 : Greg Lake (Emerson, Lake And Palmer)
1950 : Ronnie Hammond (Atlanta Rhythm Section)
1954 : Mario Cipollina (Huey Lewis and the News)
1959 : Frank Maudsley (A Flock Of Seagulls)
1970 : Warren G
1978 : Eve
1979 : Chris Joannou (Silverchair)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
WHAT DOES “WD-40” STAND FOR?
“WD-40 literally stands for “Water Displacement, 40th attempt”. That’s the name straight out of the lab book used by the chemist who developed WD-40 back in 1953. The chemist, Norm Larsen, was attempting to concoct a formula to prevent corrosion–a task which is done by displacing water. Norm’s persistence paid off when he perfected the formula on his 40th try.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Chris from Love and the Outcome is giving you the chance to join him while he works out. Right now you can check out his Fitness routine on the band’s YouTube channel. https://youtu.be/oFBclaAkvSo
Building 429 member Jesse Garcia is finally getting back on his feet, literally. He posted: went for my first proper walk at the park today. Jesse says he was able to walk two miles. It was just a few weeks ago that Jesse fell off the stage at one of Building 429’s shows, dropping 9 feet to the ground below, and injuring his leg.
Casting Crowns Megan Garrett is staying away from open flames. She posted: warning, my hair is currently made of 95% dry shampoo and hair spray. please don’t bring an open flame near me.
Kutless guitarist James Mead was answering questions this week and to make it more difficult, he limited himself to one word answers.
Q: favorite 2-word phrase?
Q: what are you enjoying learning lately?
Q: have you read any good books recently?
Q: what is your favorite word?
It’s only November but Michael W Smith is already thinking about Christmas. The longtime Christian artist says rehearsals for his Christmas tour with Amy Grant have begun.
Congratulations to Skillet. This week they became the 1st Christian band to ever hit No. 1 on the Mainstream Rock Chart. They reached the top spot with their song Feel Invincible.
Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey was enjoying some Southern Hospitality while voting on Tuesday. He posted: Christ church had a bouncy house, hot dogs, free CDs, and cappuccino. He said: Hospitality overload while voting.
MercyMe front man Bart Millard says election day wasn’t the biggest thing happening on November 8th. He posted: its ANNIVERSAY DAY!! 19 years and counting! Bart added: I love this girl more than Southern Baptists love casseroles
Suffering from election overload? Megan Garrett of Casting Crowns had a good reminder on the day after the voting wrapped up. She posted: God doesn’t owe our country anything, but I know He loves and cares for His people-always has, always will. In that, I have perfect peace.
A milestone for Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips. He posted on election day: today, for the first time, I had the honor of voting for the next leader of my newly citizened country! I love this country and want the very best for it! I thank God that I have the privilege of living in the best country ever!
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email firstname.lastname@example.org for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A marijuana enthusiast from Bremerton, Washington, doesn’t like the way his local transit company handles “law and odor.” It has banned Matthew Little from riding buses for six months, saying an overwhelming smell of pot accompanies him wherever he rides. Little’s response: “From time to time, I smell like I just smoked some marijuana, probably because I just did.” ***They probably would’ve left him alone, but he kept complaining about someone peeing on his rug, man, and it was annoying the passengers.
Police in Reading Ohio say 18-year-old Alexsandra Conley was late for her job at McDonald’s. But rather than just own up to it, she allegedly made up a wild story about being attacked by a knife-wielding clown! She claimed someone dressed like a clown jumped a fence Saturday, waved a knife at her, and cut her thumb. But there were holes in the story. First of all, officers noted that she was amazingly calm during a medical exam – even using her cellphone to check Facebook. Investigators subsequently found too many inconsistencies in her story and charged her with making a false report. ***You went through all of this to avoid going to your minimum wage job at McDonald’s? You could’ve avoided all of the hassle, just quit your job, and then apply for a minimum wage job at Burger King the next day!
A paramedic with the St. Louis Fire Department recently discovered that his car had been broken into while parked in the station’s parking lot. Many various items were missing. But minutes after he filed a police report, the station received an emergency call about a pedestrian hit by a car, and the paramedic and crew rushed to the scene. As he was helping the victim, the paramedic noticed that his own gym bag and belongings were strewn about the scene and concluded that the man he was attending to was likely the man who had broken into his car. Nevertheless, the paramedic continued to assist the man, and police told him they’d arrest the guy as soon as he was discharged from the hospital. ***Thank you, Officer Karma!
“Copper may help hair maintain its natural color and prevent premature graying,” notes Michelle Henry, MD, a dermatologist in New York City. The chemical element helps activate tyrosinase, an enzyme that controls the body’s production of melanin or pigment. “If we lack copper in our diets, we can see a drop in the production of melanin,” says Dr. Henry. Too boost your intake, snack on a fourth of cup of copper-rich cashews daily, toss a handful of copper-dense sesame seeds into your salad or stir-fry, enjoy an ounce of dark chocolate with 70 to 85 percent cacao or veg out with kale, summer squash, spinach and mushrooms. (Health) ***Or do what I do and just suck on a penny for ten minutes.
Peyton Manning is going to guest star on “Modern Family” in January. ***Assuming the entire cast hasn’t already packed up and moved to Canada.
A guy who was about to miss his flight out of Geneva, Switzerland, told an airline employee there was a bomb on the plane. That’s one way to delay the flight. The man will now be paying $51,200 to compensate police for the time and equipment needed to sweep the plane for the non-existent bomb. ***Meanwhile, Democrats in the United States are still hoping and praying the bomb that was just dropped on them will also turn out to be non-existent.
And the winner of the Burrito Election is Donald Trump. A Duluth, Minnesota, restaurant called Burrito Union has been selling burritos named after the presidential candidates for the past month. The Donald won with 40% of sales. The Hillary burrito received 35% and the Third Party burrito got 25% of the vote. ***And upon seeing that the results matched the national election, everyone screamed “AY CARAMBA!”
From Oregon comes news that a man trying to get away from police made a poor choice in picking a hiding spot. Rescuers spent an hour-and-a-half working to get 22-year-old Gregory Morrow out of a badger hole after he became stuck about eight feet underground. ***Apparently he saw the dark shadow of the election and wanted to run back into a hole, meaning four years of Trump.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Scientists researching brain disorders have genetically modified mice to be super-intelligent. ***Unfortunately, two of the white mice now keep plotting every night to try and take over the world.
A Mediterranean diet rich in fruits, vegetables, olive oil and a little wine can cut the risk of heart attacks and strokes by 30 percent, researchers reported in a study that shows the real-life benefits of a diet long encouraged by doctors. The results were so startling that the study was cut short after less than five years, and the results rushed to publication in the New England Journal of Medicine. Many studies have shown that people who eat a Mediterranean diet are less likely to die of heart disease. ***I have a similar diet – rich in fruit-flavored rollups, vegetables and oil (in the form of french fries), and I like to whine.
Used to be if someone said they didn’t have a TV you just had to look at them funny. No cable? No satellite TV? No rabbit ears picking up free over-the-air HD? Weirdo. But today “zero TVers” are becoming more commonplace. In 2007 the number of U.S. households with no TV was just over 2 million. Today it’s five million. ***Of course, that might improve if TV networks could somehow figure out a way to create quality programming again.
We are now being told that social networking websites are causing alarming changes in the brains of young users. Neuroscientist Susan Greenfield tells us that sites such as Facebook and Twitter are said to shorten attention spans, encourage instant gratification and make young people more self centered. ***In fact, I didn’t even pay attention to that story because it took too long to report it.
WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Uphill Battle”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Darren Marlar, “Related Redheads”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk had been making defective badminton racquets for his friends so they’d have to keep buying new ones, but now he’s learned that Gruffy is planning on giving Racquet’s niece a present… a new badminton racquet, made by Racquet! So now he’s working feverishly to make a new badminton racquet that is NOT defective so his niece can play in the badminton tournament…
CLOSE: Oh boy – looks like Racquet’s underhandedness is now going to affect not only Sully, Nozzles and Gruffy, but now it will also affect his niece, Rita – and the cute boy skunk, Stinky! And that stinks. None of this would’ve been a problem if he’d just treated his friends right to begin with! Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 12/13
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were scared senseless – to the point of selling all of their possessions and wanting to move – all because of a mysterious giant-footed monster that’s been leaving footprints in the jungle! But Sully had an idea… maybe it’s all a big joke!
CLOSE: If this keeps up, we’re never going to find out where those giant footprints came from! I can’t believe all of the jungle animals are such cowards! But then, I don’t have to deal with mysterious, giant footprints suddenly appearing in my yard! Tune in for more of our story next time… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Williamstown, Vermont is a very small town with very few teachers… but they might fire one of their teachers anyway.
The teacher’s offense? Working for free. That’s right, he might get fired because he’s decided to work for free! Bill Corrow has been teaching a history course at the Williamstown Middle School, and the course attracts very bright students. But some teachers object because he’s not with a union and he’s violating the rules by not getting paid. Corrow has a few more enemies because he criticizes other teachers for allowing students to graduate without having proper reading skills. ***MARLAR: So he makes history interesting, and he wants kids to read well, and he’s willing to this sacrificially – without expectation of pay? Gee, no wonder they consider him a menace to society.
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR LEAVING WORK EARLY
10. “The ad says I have to get there by four o’clock in order to take advantage of their SUPER SAVINGS.
9. “I don’t want to be here when the police come and investigate that body on the 5th floor.”
8. Powering down your computer 15 minutes early, you can save company as much as $1.37 per annum.
7. I came in early so I’m leaving early!
6. You have to go to the Free Cell competition.
5. You suddenly realized you have Dutch Elm Disease.
4. “I lost my watch. I have to go home to look for it so that I can leave on time.”
3. I worked overtime yesterday. This is comp time.
2. During lunch you consumed too much dihydrogen monoxide.
1. “Look, outside! ICE-CREAM MAN! ICE-CREAM MAN!”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Everyone gets their fifteen minutes – and one robber got his time in the spotlight during the rehearsal of a school play.
FILE #1: Even burglars have bad days at the office. In Chile, a robber decided to knock over a school theater where a play rehearsal was in progress. When he busted in and said: “This is a robbery,” the place erupted in laughter. As fate would have it, the play they were rehearsing starts out with the same words. Needless to say, the robber had trouble convincing people he was serious. After finally making his point, he took the registration money and ran off. However, his bad day didn’t end there as his escape route took him towards the local police station and he was arrested by officers on their way to the scene of the crime.
FILE #2: In Durham, North Carolina, A four-year-old boy quickly changed into his Power Ranger costume and attacked when his family was held at gunpoint by an armed robber. Little Stevie Long sneaked out of the room while the robber was pointing a gun at his five-year-old sister Mary and mother Jennifer. Minutes later, he leapt back into the room dressed as a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, waived a plastic sword and yelled, “Get away from my family.” Here’s the best part — IT WORKED! The robber and his accomplice, who was waiting outside the apartment, fled. They did take credit cards, jewelry, and cash but relatives said they abandoned plans to take Stevie’s mother to an ATM to withdraw money when they saw Stevie. Stevie said, “I scared the bad guys away.” On the other hand, Stevie’s aunt, Heather Evans, said a counselor had suggested Stevie needs to improve his distinction between fantasy and reality adding, “He fully believed he morphed.”
FILE #3: In Orlando, Florida, 18-year-old John DeWitt was fleeing from a security guard at the Orlando Ale House after the guard suspected he was about to burglarize the building. John’s brief flight ended when he jumped into what he thought was a garbage can to hide in. It wasn’t garbage at all. It was a huge drum of discarded restaurant grease.
STRANGE LAW: In England, those wishing to use a television must apply for a license.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Only a brain on drugs would sell illegal drugs to a police officer in uniform.
Police in Mount Sterling, Ohio, have charged William McCrary with selling drugs to a police officer… and the officer was NOT undercover. He was wearing his full police uniform and even sitting in a marked patrol car at the time! Officer Brian Botkin says he convinced the suspect that he smoked marijuana and wanted to buy some, so McCrary sold him some… and now faces three felonies.
Would you ever want to be a contestant on a reality TV show (past or present)? If so, which one would it be?
If you were in control, which products would you like to see banned from being advertised on TV? Or what TV commercials would you like to see go away?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What was the name of Isaiah’s father?
ANSWER: Amoz (Isaiah 1:1)
QUESTION: How many miles of nerves are in just the skin of the human body?
ANSWER: There are 45 miles of nerves in the skin of a human being.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of oxygen deprivation. (False – you’ll die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation.)
2. The human brain is only 20% water. (False – it’s 85% water)
3. The sound of a snore can be as loud as a pneumatic drill. (True – up to 69 decibels)
4. Every single minute you have three hundred thousand cells die in your body. (False – it’s much more than that. You have three-hundred-million cells die every minute!)
5. Women burn fat more slowly than men. (True – by a rate of about 50 calories a day)
6. The only animals born with horns are sheep. (False – the only animal born wiht horns are giraffes.)
7. The only milk that doesn’t curdle when boiled is seal milk. (False – it’s camel milk.)
8. The only bird that provides us with leather is the ostrich. (True)
9. The biggest crocodiles in the world are in Australia. (True – some are more than 20 feet long.)
10. An average human drinks about 16,000 gallons of water in a lifetime. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
TEXANS HUNTING WILD __________ (DONKEYS)
AUSTIN, TX — The state of Texas celebrates donkeys, but their official policy on wild donkeys is – shoot to kill!
Texans are trying to wipe out thousands of free-roaming donkeys. The State of Texas has authorized citizens to shoot any wild donkey they see. So far 2,307 wild donkeys have been killed, most of them with .308-caliber bolt-action rifles.
The state’s stance: wild donkeys wandering over from Mexico don’t belong. The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department considers an estimated 60,000 burros in Texas to be destructive intruders, hogging forage and lapping up precious water in the drought-starved mountains — thereby threatening the survival of hundreds of native species.
Outraged locals, however, claim there’s only one animal the state really cares about — bighorn sheep. Once extinct in Texas for decades, bighorns are popular for hunters in Texas. Coveted state permits to bag bighorns fetch upward of $100,000 at auction in Texas, and opponents like Ginny Wallabee of the Wild Donkey Protection League believe that’s why the state wants to eliminate any threat to the sheep’s survival so the bighorn hunters can have their fun.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. “The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!”
An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Girl, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”
A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.
One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna. The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.
There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good. Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly.
The moral of the story: Don’t fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.
During the last session of the teaching workshop, the participants were asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future. One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight. The goal that got the most response, however, was given by a slightly out-of-shape kindergarten teacher. “I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in less than an hour,” she said.
If you attempt to attack or startle a vulture, it will vomit on you. ***Which, you gotta admit, is pretty startling.
An elderly couple in Lapland were treated at a hospital after they were attacked by a reindeer. ***Well now, that “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” song doesn’t seem all that funny anymore, does it?
Calderdale Royal Hospital in England banned visitors from cooing over babies because it might insult the babies’ dignity. ***How much dignity do you have to start with when you’re sucking your thumb wearing poopy diapers?
WHAT’S YOUR SON DO?
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”
“Hm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”
“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
In Lanham, Maryland, a man was teaching his friend to drive when things took a horrible turn for the worst (no pun intended).
…The driver of the minivan ended up crashing into the apartment of Robert Scriber and landing on top of his bed — right where Robert had been lying just minutes earlier! Robert did receive injuries to his left side from the flying debris. To make things worse, neither the driver nor the “driving instructor” had a driver’s license and the driver turned out to be in the county illegally. And the icing on the cake — all this happened on Good Luck Road.
SHARE YOUR MUSIC
God gave us each our own music and the world to be our stage,
but most of us are living with our music still un-played.
This gift that we are given is ours to use if we dare,
it is our greatest tool to show how much we care.
“Martin” shared his music gave us all a dream,
his message was very simple “Let Freedom Ring”.
“John” stood up and played his music the song he shared was true,
“Don’t ask your country to make things right ask instead what YOU can do”.
A diminutive committed lady so fragile and so weak,
“Teresa” touched every nation each time that she would speak.
A simple comic and actor he shared his special song,
“Bob” lifted up our spirits from World War II to Vietnam.
One song was sung so long ago that’s been shared throughout the years,
a “Carpenter” gave his music that will save all those who hear.
Your music has the power our futures in our hands,
never doubt that words can change the world it’s the only thing that ever has.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
TREASURE IN HEAVEN
Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. —Matthew 6:21
On a teaching trip to Togo, West Africa, I noticed hundreds of abandoned buildings that were only partially built. I asked my missionary host why so many structures were incomplete. His response was striking.
Apparently, Togolese law allows an injured party to demand payment from the available cash of family members of the person who injured them. Even distant relatives are not exempt. To prevent their cash savings from being attached to a legal action, people will purchase land instead. Slowly, sometimes over decades, they will build a house on it with any extra cash. The hundreds of unfinished buildings were testimony to how easy it is to lose one’s material possessions.
This was certainly part of the reason our Lord taught, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal” (Matt. 6:19). Treasure that is of this world is vulnerable to being lost, stolen, destroyed, or devalued. If that is our focus, we will only experience frustration.
If our hearts are drawn instead to the value of the eternal—godly character, relationships, souls—we won’t be disappointed. We will become rich in the things of Christ. And treasure in heaven can never be taken away! —Bill Crowder
I do not ask for treasures here
To hoard, decay, and rust,
But for the better things of life—
Humility and trust. —Meadows
Treasures in heaven are laid up as treasures on earth are laid down.
PUPPY ON THE RUN
When most dogs run away, they literally run. One dog in Connecticut would rather ride away… on the train.
When most dogs run away, they literally run. Not Alex. The one-year-old Scottish terrier from Fairfield, Connecticut, took modern transportation. The young pup jumped on a train! The adventurous puppy ran from its owner’s backyard, went to the station and boarded the first train out of town. There he boarded the 9:14pm train to New Haven, 10 miles away. A railway employee noticed the dog and, after reading his tag, contacted police. His owner June Linsley said she was heartbroken when she noticed Alex had escaped through a hole in the fence. After 40 minutes’ of desperate searching, a police officer came to her home and said, “I think you better sit down. Your dog is in New Haven”. Another policeman later brought the dog back home. ***MARLAR: And for a dog, it doesn’t get any better than sticking your head out of the window of a moving train!
LIFE… LIVE IT
IF YOU NEED ANOTHER REASON NOT TO SMOKE AROUND KIDS, HERE YOU GO.
While previous studies have shown that kids who breathe in second hand smoke are more likely to develop asthma and respiratory infections, a new study finds that those kids are also more likely to catch a whole range of severe infections and many of the children even have to be hospitalized. They say the most critical time to spare the kids from the smoke is in their first months, especially if the children were born underweight or premature. If you’re looking for numbers, a child exposed to secondhand smoke during its first six months of life increased the likelihood of a hospitalization by 45 percent by the time the child was 8 years old. Babies born prematurely were twice as likely to be hospitalized, while those born with a low birth weight were 75 percent more likely to be hospitalized.
NO SHAVE NOVEMBER IS HEALTHY?
As we’re in November – also known as “NO SHAVE NOVEMBER”, here are 7 science–backed reasons beards are good for you! (HuffPost)
1. BEARDS CAN SLOW THE AGING PROCESS.
Your scruff can block 90 to 95 percent of UV rays, preventing wrinkles and decreasing the risk for skin cancer
2. WEARING A BEARD MEANS NO INGROWN HAIRS.
Painful ingrown hairs, redness and skin irritation are common culprits of a shave.
3. BEARDED BROS ARE PERCEIVED AS MORE MASCULINE.
4. BEARDS ALLOW FOR MORE FREE TIME.
The average beardless man will spend 3,350 hours shaving,
5. BEARDS CAN REDUCE ASTHMA AND ALLERGY SYMPTOMS.
6. BEARDS KEEP YOU WARM.
Just like the hair on your head, the beard protects the face from outdoor elements.
7. BEARDS KEEP YOUR SKIN MOISTURIZED.
JUST FOR FUN
In trying to help a friend, John Perez got himself in big trouble.
…Perez wanted to help his friend who worked for a psychic hot line in the Dominican Republic so he went ahead and made calls from his workplace — Bankers Trust in New Jersey. At $4.99 a call, Perez racked up $164,379 worth of calls, believing no one at the bank would notice. He would often call and leave the phone off the hook for 14 hours to boost bills. He was caught by his boss and ordered to repay the money. ***MARLAR: If his friend was truly psychic he would’ve known this was going to go badly.
ANALOGIES & METAPHORS FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
NO MORE EMAIL
Is the atmosphere around your office on Friday more relaxed than it is the rest of the week? It’s become quite the problem for some firms so they have begun to take office email away from their workers on Fridays. Management officials believe that staff will be more productive and creative if they talk to each other instead of using email. ***MARLAR: Wait a minute… isn’t that why email was created in the first place, so we wouldn’t have to talk to people?!?
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
3d printing is opening a whole new world to those who can’t see. The Belvedere museum in Vienna is using 3D printing technology to make art accessible to blind people. The 3-d prints add shape and definition to the print of the painting, allowing the blind to feel the definition that they can’t see.
Do you tend to buy junk food for the ones you love when shopping? When you are food shopping, be selfish: You’re more likely to bring home junk if you’re buying for your family or friends, a recent University of Miami study reveals. The scientist found people stocking up for themselves made healthier choices than those shopping for others. We buy healthy foods for ourselves in an effort to avoid eating junk, the scientists say. When we shop for others, this discipline erodes. Ask your family for a list of what they want and stick to it.
Dining on dairy may make your next trip to the dentist a little easier. Cheese helps neutralize the acidity in your mouth and may prevent tooth decay, a study in General Dentistry found. All dairy products are good for your teeth, but cheese is especially beneficial due to its tyramine content. This substance increases saliva and helps raise the pH of plaque, minimizing add adage to the enamel, according to the study. A bonus benefit. A British study review found that people who consumed especially large amounts of dairy about 14 ounces a day, had a lower risk of developing type 2 diabetes than those who consumed less. (Men’s Health)
Looking for any easy way to improve your health? Go to church this weekend. A recent article by Yale educated Dr. Chauncey Crandall encourages attending church as a way to improve your health. In the recent article Dr. Crandall wrote: “As a cardiologist, I use every tool at my disposal to help my patients win their battles against heart disease. In addition to cholesterol-lowering drugs, cardiac medications, tests, and procedures, I also frequently recommend that my patients give their local church a try. In fact, I’ve found this to be one of my most effective therapies.”
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I’ve always been heavy. Some kids bug their parents for their own phone. I bugged my parents for my own refrigerator.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
NOVEMBER 04, 2016…
Bleed For This—Miles Teller (“Whiplash”) takes on the role of boxer Vinny “The Pazamanian Devil” Pazienza in this story of the boxer who had a near-fatal accident and yet wants to go back into the boxing ring. Is this a death wish? “Bleed For This” is rated R. Rating of 2 for boxing fans.
Doctor Strange—Benedict Cumberbatch (and does this busy actor ever sleep?) goes for the role of a surgeon who has an accident to his hands, goes away to contemplate and meets Tilda Swinton (just about unrecognizable) who teaches him about time and dimensions. Great special effects. “Doctor Strange” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans. Another character from comic books.
Hacksaw Ridge– Mel Gibson has a directing role in this film based on the life of a WWII conscientious objector, who also wins a Medal Of Honor. The man is Desmond Doss and played by Andrew Garfield (formerly “Spider-Man”). “Hacksaw Ridge” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Trolls—Those little troll dolls of a few years ago, you must remember the fad. Well, they are back in their own film complete with rainbow-colored tall hair-do’s and a Technicolor life. Voices of Anna Kendrick, Justin Timberlake and James Corden. “Trolls” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.
NOVEMBER 11, 2016…
Almost Christmas tells the story of a father who wants a peaceful Christmas instead of the usual family get-together. Good luck. Stars Danny Glover.
Arrival is a science fiction film starring Amy Adams as a linguist who tries to speak to aliens.
Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk is based on Ben Fountain’s book of a young Iraq war soldier. Stars Joe Alwyn.
Elle stars Elizabeth Huppert who plays a woman who has been assaulted.
Shut In concerns a child psychologist and a little boy who are snowed in. Stars Naomi Watts.
*Hopefully, this is the release date—USS Indianapolis: Men Of Courage is about the sinking of this ship during WWII and how men survived. Stars Nicholas Cage and Tom Sizemore.
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