***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)
AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161111
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), where one size fits all; which may explain why I feel a little tight between the ears. –Toms Lake Humor Company
Only 13 shopping days until Thanksgiving! Get to the mall and sit on the pilgrim’s lap to tell him what you want stuffed in your turkey!
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting anxiously for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to eternal life.” – Jude 1:21
Praise the Lord
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, ‘Fall on the earth,’ and to the rain shower, ‘Be a mighty downpour.’ — Job 37:5-6
Your statutes stand firm; holiness adorns your house for endless days, O LORD. — Psalm 93:5
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin. — Proverbs 10:8
Thought: It’s easy to give our opinion. It’s kinda fun to “put in our two cents worth.” It’s easy to “talk the talk.” Unfortunately, however, our talk can often be a way to keep us insulated from the obedience God desires. No matter our age or experience, if we are wise, we will accept the righteous commands of God!
Prayer: O Lord God, who searches hearts and minds, please give me an inquiring heart that thirsts after pleasing and obeying you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)
Matthew 11:11 NIV = Truly I tell you, among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist; yet whoever is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.
TODAY IS FRIDAY – NOVEMBER 11, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 43 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL WILD ‘N CRAZY GUYS GROW UP DAY. ***You know they are finally grown up when they get rid of their wild and crazy shirts and slacks.
Today is VETERAN’S DAY, and it’s the first day of NATIONAL HUG A VETERAN WEEK. ***Hugs are fine, but how about we give our veterans the day off from work – with pay? I know that some government offices might be closed today anyway, but it has nothing to do with whether the people working there are veterans. If a veteran works at a local restaurant, office, or car dealership, do they get the day off? Maybe they should. Thank you for your service, Veterans!
TODAY IS ALSO…
Red Lipstick Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12
World Pneumonia Day
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14
International Girls Day
Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day
National Pickle Day
Operating Room Nurse Day
Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day
World Diabetes Day
World Orphans Day
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15
America Recycles Day
George Spelvin Day (More Than One Role Day)
I Love to Write Day
National Bundt Pan Day
National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
National Entrepreneurship Day
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16
National Educational Support Professionals Day
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17
Homemade Bread Day
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18
GIS Day (Geographic Information Systems)
Married To a Scorpio Day Support Day
National Apple Cider Day
Mickey Mouse Day
Push-Button Phone Day
Substitute Educators Day
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19
Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day)
Family Volunteer Day
Guinness World Record Day
Have a Bad Day Day
Mother Goose Day
National Day of Play
Playmobil’s National Day of Play
Rocky and Bullwinkle Day
World Philosophy Day
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20
African Industrialization Day
Globally Organized Hug a Runner Day (G.O.H.A.R.D.)
Name Your PC Day
National Peanut Butter Fudge Day
Universal Children’s Day
World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21
World Hello Day
World Television Day
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22
ON THIS DAY
1918: At 5:00 a.m. French Army clerk Henri Deledicq finished typing the peace treaty that would end World War I. He had put the carbon paper in backwards. Ten minutes later, in a railroad car in France, military leaders signed copies of an armistice that were completely unreadable. ***Then again, governments usually do most things backwards, so I guess it made perfect sense to them.
1940: Willys Motors introduced the first Jeep. The name came from the initials “G-P” in “General Purpose” vehicle.
1980: The TV sitcom “Too Close for Comfort” debuted on ABC, starring Ted Knight, Nancy Dussault, Deborah Van Valkenburgh, and Lydia Cornell. (audio clip)
1990: 13-year-old Stormie Jones of White Settlement, Texas, died at Children’s Hospital in Pittsburgh. In 1984, at age 6, she had been the first person ever to receive a combination heart and liver transplant.
1993: A 200-pound Houston pig named Mona squealed on a burglary suspect and held him by the leg until police arrived. The suspect was running from police and tried to hide in Mona’s pen. The pig’s owner, Rick Charles, said Mona thinks she’s a dog.
1993: A 600-year-old spoon, discovered in a Devon, England, farmhouse, sold at auction for $41,400.
1997: A limping Biloxi, Mississippi, bank robber made his getaway in a wheelchair. Police arrested the bandit a few minutes later at a nearby hardware store trying to get the store’s owner to call him a cab.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1215: The Fourth Lateran Council was convened by Pope Innocent III. It was the council which first defined “transubstantiation,” the Catholic belief that the bread and wine of the Eucharist change invisibly into the body and blood of Christ.
1620: The “Mayflower Compact” was signed by the 41 Separatists among the passengers of the “Mayflower,” serving as the basis for combining themselves “into a civil body politic.” Democratic in form, the Compact comprised the first written American constitution, and remained in force until 1691.
1760: English founder of Methodism John Wesley wrote in a letter: ‘You cannot live on what He did yesterday. Therefore He comes today.’
1793: Five months after setting sail for India, English pioneer missionary William Carey, 32, reached Calcutta. (Later, Carey founded the Baptist Missionary Society, the first of the British Protestant missions agencies.)
1966: The Methodist Church and the Evangelical United Brethren voted to merge into one denomination in the U.S., afterward to be called the United Methodist Church. (The “declaration of union” took place officially on April 23, 1968.)
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (Catch Me If You Can, Streets of New York, Titanic, Wolf of Wall Street) Leonardo DiCaprio 42
- actor (“Wizards of Waverly Place”, “Megas-XLR”, “Jesse”) David DeLuise 45
- actor (Red Surf, Sandman, brother of Nancy McKeon) Philip McKeon 52
- actress (The Bird Cage, “Ally McBeal”) Calista Flockhart 52 (audio clip)
- actress (Ghost, St. Elmo’s Fire, G.I. Jane, Indecent Proposal) Demi Moore 54
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1927 : Mose Allison
1929 : LaVern Baker
1938 : Roger Lavern (The Tornados)
1943 : Mac Kissoon (Mac and Katie Kissoon)
1944 : Jesse Colin Young (The Youngbloods)
1945 : Vince Martell (Vanilla Fudge)
1945 : Chris Dreja (The Yardbirds)
1947 : Pat Daugherty (Black Oak Arkansas)
1952 : Paul Cowsill (The Cowsills)
1953 : Marshall Crenshaw
1953 : Andy Partridge (XTC)
1956 : Ian Craig Marsh (The Human League)
1980 : LeToya Luckett (Destiny’s Child)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
WHAT WAS THE FIRST U.S. COIN TO MINTED WITH THE MOTTO “IN GOD WE TRUST?
The U.S. two-cent coin was minted between 1864 and 1873, and was the first coin to bear the motto “In God We Trust”. The motto was omitted from the new gold coins issued in 1907, causing a storm of public criticism. As a result, legislation passed in May, 1908 made “In God We Trust” mandatory on all coins on which it had previously appeared. Legislation approved July 11, 1955, made the appearance of “In God We Trust” mandatory on all coins and paper currency of the United States. By Act of July 30, 1956, “In God We Trust” became the national motto of the United States.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
A bumper sticker suggestion from Moriah Peters. She posted: can someone make a bumper sticker that says “Is your mascara worth my life?” Moriah added: eyes on the road please.
A bit of trivia about Third Day’s Mac Powell. He posted: I don’t love pretzels.
Phil Wickham is doing some series training for an upcoming road race and says you are welcome to join him. He posted a picture from a recent training run and said he was working to increase his pace in preparation for the Encinitas Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. Phil added: If anyone else wants to meet me at the start line, some friends and I will be running the 10k. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMKnhesAJ9V/
MercyMe’s 2014 album Welcome To The New has received the RIAA’s Gold Certification. The designation is given when a half million copies have been sold. Welcome to the New’s Gold Certification marks the bands sixth gold album. Mercyme has also had one double platinum album and one platinum video.
The social media site Vine is going away and Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo says it’s only appropriate that his last Vine post is lamenting another Jaguars lost. He said that’s how I’ll be remembered.
Chris Tomlin says there is something powerful that happens when we declare truths that people have been singing for generations. That was his goal while recording his personal version of the age old hymn Come Thou Fount.
You never know what will be required when you’re recording new music. Meredith Andrews posted this week: sometimes laying down vocals means you have to give your best train impression. She recorded a short video as she and her husband did just that. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMCZyckAQ12/
Ever wonder how Mercyme front man Bart Millard would describe himself? Here is his five word description from Instagram: singer/songwriter. Mercyme. Passionate napper.
More than 200 years after the revolutionary war, a resident of England was again impacting the United States. A video featuring UK worship leader Matt Redman’s powerful rendition of “10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)” live in Times Square in 2015 was receiving new life leading up to this year’s election. In just 72 hours, the video garnered a half a million views on YouTube, with over 50,000 people sharing the video on Facebook. Church Leaders called the performance a “beautiful glimpse into what it looks like when we worship God in the midst of a secular culture.” They said it was just what the country needed in the days leading up to the 2016 presidential election. Check out the video performance at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo–H_yx2vg
Mandisa’s song Overcomer was officially used to welcome the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. The Christian singer posted a video as Pacific Christian School’s “The Other Group” performed “Overcomer” for the royals. https://youtu.be/uHGzrve6Eng
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email firstname.lastname@example.org for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Microsoft says it has stopped selling its Band 2 fitness trackers. ***If you have no idea what a Band 2 Fitness Tracker is, now you know why they’re not selling it.
Not only did many Americans just wildly underestimate the popularity of one particular presidential candidate, we’ve also underestimated the country’s desire for inexpensive, pre-cooked deer meat! Arby’s made its new Venison Sandwich available at four Minnesota locations last Friday and the sandwich was sold out by 11:15am! According to the Nation’s Restaurant News, it was the same in five other states where the chain was testing out its “thick-cut venison steak with crispy onions and a juniper berry sauce.” Some Arby’s locations ran out of the Venison Sandwich in just 15 minutes. A company spokesperson said, “It’s safe to say that the response has exceeded our lofty expectations.” It’s unclear if more Venison Sandwiches are on the way as there may not be a venison supply big enough to meet Arby’s needs. ***Maybe this can be the first problem President Trump can tackle when he enters the White House.
Duke University has launched a “safe space” where men can go to contemplate their “toxic masculinity.” ***Where is our safe space to escape from Duke University’s “toxic liberalism?”
Americans’ average spending in October was up to $93 a day. ***Which seems low to me… that wouldn’t even cover my own personal stash of Halloween candy.
Toyota is developing a robot that is designed to keep you company while in the car. ***Yeah, we already have that… it’s called a “radio”.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
“Chill out” isn’t just a slang term — it’s also now a scientific suggestion to cure stress. Researchers in Germany say sitting in a freezer can relieve tension. Tests showed that spending three minutes in a freezing room makes stress levels plummet. Scientists say sub-zero temperatures increase the brain’s serotonin levels, making their freezing volunteers feel much calmer. ***But they get stressed out all over again when they find out they have contracted pneumonia.
Two British university professors announced that their study of 80,000 I.Q. tests and 20,000 students shows that on average, men are five I.Q. points smarter than women. ***Which is obviously incorrect, because if men were truly that smart they would NEVER have stated it within earshot of women. (British university professors obviously don’t date much.)
Americans need to relax. Over 40% of people in the U.S. say they are not doing enough to manage their stress, and the consequences of that could lead to all sorts of health-related problems. A recent study published in the journal Neuron showed people who are stressed have more difficulty with self-control and are more likely to choose to eat unhealthy food. According to the Time report stress also affects your breathing, heart, liver, muscles, and stomach. ***So I eat a whole bag of Cheetos in one sitting because I’m feeling stressed? But… if you take away my Cheetos, that makes me feel stressed!
After nine months of pregnancy — and its many discomforts — expectant moms are often willing to try anything to encourage their little ones to arrive. But few old wives’ tales can claim the success that one tasty dish being served down South does. According to Yahoo foods, Since 1980, Scalini’s Italian Restaurant in Cobb County, Georgia, has been cooking up a recipe for eggplant parmigiana that owners say brings on labor within 48 hours for hundreds of pregnant patrons per year. Myriad online testimonials, along with the photos of hundreds of babies hung inside of the restaurant’s dining room, contribute to the dish’s lore. In fact, Sometimes the action starts before customers even reach dessert. ***See, this is why I never eat eggplant parmigiana. I definitely do NOT want to give birth!
WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bye Bye”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Tim Hawkins, “Costco”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk had been making notched badminton racquets so they’d break easily and force his friends to keep buying new ones. But it’s about to backfire on him, because his badminton playing niece, Rita, was just given one as a gift… and she’s planning on giving it as a gift as well…
CLOSE: Oh no! Rita is being arrested for sabotaging a badminton racquet – but she was given that racquet as a gift by Gruffy… and he bought that sabotaged racquet from Rita’s uncle, Racquet the Skunk – who made it! So really, Rita is in jail and it’s Racquet’s fault! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 12/13
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were scared senseless – to the point of selling all of their possessions and wanting to move – all because of a mysterious giant-footed monster that’s been leaving footprints in the jungle! But Sully had an idea… maybe it’s all a big joke!
CLOSE: If this keeps up, we’re never going to find out where those giant footprints came from! I can’t believe all of the jungle animals are such cowards! But then, I don’t have to deal with mysterious, giant footprints suddenly appearing in my yard! Tune in for more of our story next time… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Getting a cake delivered for one wedding turns out not to be a piece of cake!
In Pembrey, England, Tony and Aimee West went all out for their wedding cake. They paid $500 bucks for what was supposed to be a three tier sponge cake decorated with white and dark chocolate icing and flowers. But just four hours before the evening reception was due to start Aimee discovered the cake company had forgotten to bake the cake. Aimee said, “They admitted their mistake and said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll get you a cake’. They turned up that evening and the cake was put on a table for all to see.” All seemed to be well until the couple cut into the cake and took their first bites together. Turns out the “cake” was no cake at all. Just a bunch of Styrofoam covered with icing. Both bride and groom began choking — an experience Aimee said was terribly embarrassing! So they took Creative Cakes to small claims court and were awarded $600 compensation. Karen Williams, who runs Creative Cakes said, “I explained I would be delivering an artificial cake – they are quite common at weddings these days.” ***MARLAR: Really? Nobody I know of… I mean, really… who orders a fake cake for ANYTHING?
TOP TEN CADDY COMMENTS
Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man robs a Wal-Mart using an ax! And the door greeter knew he was there!
FILE #1: According to police, an unidentified man stole an ax from a Home Depot in Oklahoma City and used it menacingly to rob a clerk and shortly thereafter did the same at two other stores, including a Wal-Mart. On interviewing witnesses, police learned that a Wal-Mart door greeter had seen the man enter carrying the ax, but his only impulse was to make sure that he did his job and placed a sticker on the ax so that when the man later tried to exit the store, he wouldn’t be charged for it.
FILE #2: Firemen in Munich, Germany, rescued an 89-year-old granny who was stuck in a tree more than 60 feet above the ground. Anna Gurlow said she had climbed her neighbor’s tree to rescue her cat, but the tricky feline got away from her and jumped safely to a nearby roof. It took firemen nearly an hour to get the grandmother out of the tree.
FILE #3: 16 year old Nicole Lavelle is quickly learning the ins and outs of the British court system. According to the Guardian newspaper, she has taken her father to court for breach of contract. The girl charges that he had promised to pay up to about $20,000 a year for her to go to the exclusive college of her choosing and when she opted to go to a cheaper school he balked. Why? Because the college is very close to the home of the girl’s mother — his ex wife. ***MARLAR: Sounds like Nicole could be in pre-law.
STRANGE LAW: In Thailand it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Crashing a party is generally thought of as rude. Crashing a party in order to sell drugs – that’s stupid. Crashing the party of a POLICE OFFICER…
20-year-old Leonard Garland, and a buddy were arrested in Ashland, MA, after Leo had the bright idea to crash a party at a private home he just happened to be driving by. His thinking was that a party would be a good place to find customers for his drug business. So he walks in and strikes up a conversation, eventually enticing a guest to ask him about drugs. Leo had cocaine on him, but when his “customer” wanted more, he made a phone call to his supplier. However, the supplier said he would not go near Ashland because Ashland’s main narcotics detective, Mark Gutwill, was too aggressive. You guessed it-what Leo didn’t know was that the party he had crashed was a group of off-duty police officers, and the “customer” he had randomly chosen to talk to was Detective Mark Gutwill, who then arrested him. (Metro West Daily)
What’s the shortest length of time you were employed at one job? What was the job?
Ever won an award that you’re still proud of? What was it for
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who fashioned five mice out of gold?
ANSWER: The Philistines (1Samuel 6)
QUESTION: In what year was the first Gideon Bible placed in a hotel room?
ANSWER: 1908 – in the Superior Hotel in Iron Mountain, Montana.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. An average human scalp has 10,000 hairs. (False – it has 100,000 hairs)
2. An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day. (True)
3. An individual blood cell takes about 3 minutes to make a complete circuit of the body. (False – it takes just 60 seconds)
4. While adult humans have 206 bones in the body, newborn babies have 300. (True!)
5. Eyelashes are the are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. (False – it’s the beard. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.)
6. By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds. (True – maybe they disappear at the same rate as a man’s hair?)
7. By the time you turn 70, your heart will have beat some two-and-a-half million times. (False – it’s two-and-a-half billiion times… figuring on an average of 70 beats per minute.)
8. You began your life as a single cell – and stayed that way for about half an hour. (True)
9. Every person has a unique tongue print. (True)
10. The longest running play in history is Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet.” (False – it’s “The Mouse Trap,” by Agatha Christie)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
RAILROAD TRACKS FOUND ON ________ (MARS)
A virtual archeologist found railway tracks, a railway station and a railway carriage in photos of Mars.
Joseph Skipper, is known for his meticulous studies of high-resolution Google Mars space images. This time, the researcher found a whole transport system on the photos.
Skipper says that there is conclusive proof that there are (or were) working trains on Mars – trains that operated in the same manner as Earth trains.
“I am not sure if Martians copied Earthlings, or Earthlings copied Martians, but either way we know one thing: everybody loves trains!” Skipper told WWN.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, “If you hear a little noise and smell something, it’s me!”
On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there’s a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.
“There’s one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest.”
“How do you know it’s one of *our* wolves?” the Kentucky farmer asked.
“Well,” the Tennessee man replied, “he’s already chewed off three of his legs and he’s still trapped.”
Over dinner, Jill said to John, “I had an awful experience this morning. I met this disgusting fellow – a horrible, rude man. Right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He began by insulting me; he used really obscene language and he even threatened me!”
“My Goodness! How did you meet this fellow?” John asked, very concerned.
Jill said, “Well, we met by accident, I ran over him in the supermarket parking lot.”
In England, the maker of king-sized Mars and Snickers bars is changing them in response to the rising level of obesity among the Brits. Instead of one 3.5 ounce piece, the bars will be cut into “two shareable portions.” ***MARLAR: My idea of sharing two portions of the same candy bar is sharing them between my right and left hands.
Two Princeton researchers say that studies show tall people are smarter and do better on cognitive tests than short people from as early as age 3. ***MARLAR: Michael Jordan’s next career… genetics!
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
If you’re squeamish, you might want to turn an ear away for just a moment. If you’re brave I’ll continue on…
A federal board of medical advisors at the FDA met for two days to discuss how to regulate the use of flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Recent studies have confirmed that maggots are excellent at cleaning external infected wounds and leeches are unbeatable for draining excess blood from post-surgical wounds. Now, they had to decide on 21st century rules for their use. The first step was deciding who had jurisdiction: the biological or device divisions. They finally decided that chewing flesh and drinking blood were mechanical processes, so leeches and maggots were classified as “medical devices.” ***MARLAR: Along with sharks and vampires now.
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors….but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
OUR LORD’S COMMAND
“Follow Me, and I will make you become fishers of men.” —Mark 1:17
Jesus asked Simon Peter a heart-searching question long ago on the seashore in Galilee: “Do you love Me?” (John 21:15-17). Then the risen Lord told His disciple Peter that his future would lead to martyrdom. And Peter accepted that destiny without complaint.
But then Peter asked about the Apostle John’s future (v.21). We can only guess what motivated his question. Was it brotherly concern? Was it fleshly curiosity? Was it resentment because he thought that John might be spared a martyr’s death?
Whatever Peter’s motive, Jesus responded with a counter-question that applied not just to Peter but to every follower of His: “If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me” (v.22). In that question, Jesus was saying in essence, “Don’t worry about what happens in the life of anybody else. Your task is to keep following Me steadfastly.”
It is so easy to let our relationship with the Lord be overly influenced by the behavior and experiences of others. But we must not be concerned with what God has planned for anyone else. Through the conflicting voices that surround us, we must keep hearing the Savior’s clear command: “You follow Me.” —Vernon Grounds
Jesus calls us o’er the tumult
Of our life’s wild, restless sea,
Day by day His sweet voice soundeth,
Saying, “Christian, follow Me.” —Alexander
To find your way through life, follow Jesus.
STARLINGS GET AN EARFUL
Tired of birds messing up your car right after you get it washed? Imagine what kind of problems an entire city might experience! The city of Rome thinks it has the solution though!
Rome has a problem. Swarms of starling come to the city every year gathering around the historic piazzas and baroque churches. Sometimes the number of birds reaches upwards of four million! Of course, the tourists hate this, because with that many starlings flying around, you can’t even walk across the street without taking an umbrella, if you know what I mean. The smell is obviously not very pleasant when the birds arrive and make their messes, and it costs a lot of money to clean up after the birds. So Rome has decided it’s had enough and is deciding to get rid of the starlings. How do you do such a thing? Well, since bringing in thousands of cats probably isn’t a good idea either, they’ve decided to use the starlings’ songs against them. The Italian League for the Protection of Birds (Lipu) will broadcast bird “distress calls” over loudspeakers to scare the birds away. The recordings are of a bird that is in danger, the idea being that other birds will hear the recording, assume there is danger, and not land within city limits. ***MARLAR: The same concept works with teenagers. If you don’t want them around, play a Celine Dion album.
LIFE… LIVE IT
CELL PHONE ELBOW?
If your pinkie and ring fingers tingle or feel numb, you might not want to pick up that cell phone to call the doctor. Too much cell phone use can lead to overextending nerves, causing what doctors call “cell phone elbow.” Orthopedic specialists are reporting cases of “cell phone elbow,” in which patients damage an essential nerve in their arm by bending their elbows too tightly for too long. Bending the elbow tighter than 90 degrees for an extended period of time will stretch the ulnar nerve by 8 to 15 percent and that causes the problem. The remedies are simple.
— Avoid activities that require the elbow to be bent tighter than 90 degrees.
— Fix workstations so the elbows aren’t overly flexed.
— Don’t lean on your elbows for an extended period of time.
JUST FOR FUN
The days of steaming open envelopes are over…
…an inventor has developed an aerosol spray that makes unopened envelopes transparent so that the contents can be read. “You spray it on and it temporarily makes the envelope clear,” said inventor Robert Schlegel. “It leaves an odor for 10 to 15 minutes, but there is no smudging of ink, no stain, no evidence at all. The envelope is transparent for a few minutes and you can re-spray it hundreds of times without leaving any stain.” But don’t worry if you think a neighbor or family member can use it on your mail. The spray will be offered only to police and the Secret Services. ***MARLAR: So now Homeland Security can join me in staring in disbelief at my gas bill.
A TEENAGER IS…
A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver’s license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
While some brides and grooms prefer limos or a horse drawn carriage for their wedding day, Sonia Chamberlain decided to use a trash truck!
The truck was given a makeover and decked out in ribbons and balloons, while garbage men from all over the city came to watch the wedding. Sonia said she decided to use a trash truck because her new husband, Guy Whetton, had been driving his trash truck when they first met. She says that when she saw guy for the very first time next to his trash truck, it was love at first sight! Everyone that attended the trash-truck wedding said it was absolutely breathtaking! ***MARLAR: And they didn’t have to go far to find cans to tie to the back!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
New from Revive Our Hearts – the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge. The free PDF challenges wives to speak positively to and about their husband each day. http://buff.ly/1izcQSJ
Mom was right. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Skip it, and you could increase your risk of suffering a heart attack or developing heart disease by as much as 27 percent, according to researchers from Harvard. Why? Skipping breakfast makes you hungrier, so you are more likely to have sugary morning snacks and eat more food at lunch. Those types of eating habits can lead to weight gain, hypertension, type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol, all risk factors for cardiovascular disease.
Here is a fun and easy little trick to be the person everyone likes: Share a laugh. Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time or want to strengthen an existing friendship that has faltered, say something that will make you both laugh. That’s the word from researchers at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, who analyzed more than 5,500 social interactions and determined that sharing a laugh with someone now is an excellent predictor of social rewards later whether it be a friendship or a relationship between work colleagues, reports Prevention magazine. while using laughter as a foundation for a healthy relationship is old hat, what’s new about this research is that it focuses on how today’s laugh can impact something that may happen a month from now. For example, share a laugh with a client today, and you may have a better chance of closing the deal next week.
The best beverage for weight loss is water. Yes, drinking an extra glass of water every day may be the secret to fighting middle-age spread and could be even more important than exercise and dieting when it comes to lowering the numbers on the bathroom scale. That’s the word from Harvard University researchers, who have conducted one of the largest and most comprehensive studies on the dietary benefits of drinking water. The 20-year study tracked the food and beverage habits of nearly 125,000 U.S. adults in their 30s, 40s and 50s. By replacing one soda a day with a glass of water, the middle-age adults in the study weighed about seven pounds less than those who didn’t drink as much water. And the more water they consumed instead of sodas, juice and whole milk, the less they gained overall. ***I’ve actually gone without my morning coffee now since the beginning of November, drinking water instead. I should check my weight on the scale to see if it has made a difference!
Do you wash your coffee mug each day at the office? Stop! You’re probably better off never washing your mug at all! Officials now say it’s fine to never wash your coffee mug, as long as you’re not sharing it with anybody else. Infectious-disease expert Jeffrey Starke said the vast majority of germs in the cup came from the person who used the cup. Even if you drink from it while sick, it’s pretty hard to re-infect yourself with the same mug; most viruses don’t live long outside the body. In the article originally posted in the Wall Street Journal Starke said just leaving your mug unwashed may be a safer bet than the alternative: scrubbing it with the communal sponge in the office kitchen. He added “The sponge in the break room probably has the highest bacteria count of anything in the office.” Starke said. http://on.today.com/2f1lfRp
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
The preceding program was erased before a live audience.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
NOVEMBER 11, 2016…
Almost Christmas—Danny Glover, a widower, wants peace and tranquility for the holiday season. How nice to sit and relax and look at the tree instead of arguments and remarks. The family wants to cheer him up, so they come in full force. Too much, too soon and they know where the liquor cabinet is. Ah, what to do? Who can’t relate to this situation? “Almost Christmas” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for the holiday season.
Arrival—This science fiction film stars Amy Adams as a top-notch linguist who tries to understand the language of the newly arrived aliens. In fact, they use two languages instead of one. What to do? Come in peace, or not? Others in the cast include Jeremy Renner and Forest Whitaker. “Arrival” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Billy Lynn’s Long Halfway Walk—Despite the unusual title, this movie is about a soldier, who is honored as a war hero, but has second thoughts about it. He is played by newcomer Joe Alwyn. The film is directed by Ang Lee and features a new type of camera work that speeds up the frames. Based on the book by Ben Fountain. Also in the cast are Kristen Stewart and Vin Diesel. “Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk” is rated R. No rating.
Elle—Eisabelle Huppert is the victim of a sexual assault. She is an executive and will not be quiet, but plots revenge against the attacker. This is a Paul Verhoeven movie. “Elle” is rated R. No rating.
Shut In—What to do during a blizzard? Other than shovel, you can have a situation as in this film with a psychologist (Naomi Watts) and a young boy (Jacob Tremblay) shut in during a winter storm. Can be spooky. “Shut In” is rated PG 13. No rating.
USS: Indianapolis: Men Of Courage—Based on a true incident in the sea in the Philippines Islands, the USS Indianapolis was sunk and the men were clinging to whatever they could to survive, and this in shark-infested waters (think of Robert Shaw in “Jaws” telling about this). Harrowing event. This ship was in this area delivering the weapons that would end WWII. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore, Thomas Jane, Matt Lanter, Emily Tennant and Emily Marie Palmer.
NOVEMBER 18, 2016…
The Edge Of Seventeen stars Hailee Steinfeld who objects to her brother dating.
Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is from the book by J. K. Rowling and stars Eddie Redmayne as the man capturing lost creatures.
Nocturnal Animals are not lost creatures, but in a book meant to scare one person. Stars Amy Adams.
The Disappointments Room concerns a haunted southern mansion. Stars Kate Beckingsale.
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