November 12, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161112

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

“Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn’t they ever think to do their work during the daytime?” — Jersey Tomato

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Get all the advice and instruction you can, and be wise the rest of your life.” –Proverbs 4:11-12 (NLT)

Proverbs 10:12 = Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world. — 1 John 2:15-16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. — 1 Peter 2:12

Thought: How do we win over to the Gospel of Christ those who are hostile toward us? While we need skilled defenders and expositors of biblical truth, the way most of us will win others is by the way we live and by the way we treat them. No matter how much criticism and harsh treatment we may receive, our deeds must remain Christ-like. To do less is to rob others of a chance to see the living Christ in action.

Prayer: Holy and righteous Father, please forgive me for not being more aware of my influence on others, especially those who do not know Christ. Please fill me with your Spirit and strengthen me so that I can stand up under the criticism and scrutiny that sometimes comes my way. Help my life to impact others so that they may see the truth of what I believe and the hope by which I live. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

1 Corinthians 11:12 NIV = For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – NOVEMBER 12, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
42 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL PIZZA WITH THE WORKS EXCEPT ANCHOVIES DAY. ***As Scooby-Doo’s friend Shaggy once said… “Give me liberty, or give me pizza pie!”

Today is POSTMAN’S DAY IN MEXICO, a day to show appreciation to the letter carrier by leaving a little something in the mail box. ***Maybe that’s where the anchovies go.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Fancy Rat & Mouse Day

World Pneumonia Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13

International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church

World Kindness Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14

International Girls Day

International Selfie Day

Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day

National American Teddy Bear Day

National Spicy Guacamole Day

National Pickle Day

Operating Room Nurse Day

Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day

World Diabetes Day

World Orphans Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15

America Recycles Day

George Spelvin Day (More Than One Role Day)

I Love to Write Day

National Bundt Pan Day

National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

National Entrepreneurship Day

National Philanthropy Day

Rock Your Mocs Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16

International Day for Tolerance

National Button Day

National Educational Support Professionals Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17

Beaujolais Nouveau Day

Great American Smokeout

Homemade Bread Day

National Unfriend Day

Petroleum Day

World Prematurity Awareness Day

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18

European Antibiotic Awareness Day

GIS Day (Geographic Information Systems)

Married To a Scorpio Day Support Day

National Apple Cider Day

Mickey Mouse Day

Push-Button Phone Day

Substitute Educators Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19

American Made Matters Day

Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day)

Family Volunteer Day

Guinness World Record Day

Have a Bad Day Day

International Games Day

Mother Goose Day

National Adoption Day

National Day of Play

National Survivors of Suicide Day

Playmobil’s National Day of Play

Rocky and Bullwinkle Day

Use Less Stuff Day

World Philosophy Day

Women’s Entrepreneurship Day

World Toilet Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20

African Industrialization Day

Crystal Skull World Day

Doo Dah Day

Globally Organized Hug a Runner Day (G.O.H.A.R.D.)

Name Your PC Day

National Peanut Butter Fudge Day

Universal Children’s Day

World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21

Alascattalo Day

World Hello Day

World Television Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22

None Today

ON THIS DAY

1934: According to Kentucky legend, the cheeseburger was born at Kaelin’s Tavern in Louisville. ***God bless Kaelin’s!

1946: The first drive-in bank opened at the Exchange National Bank in Chicago. It had 10 teller windows with slide-out drawers. ***It was the beginning of the ongoing downslide of customer service from our money lending institutions.

1955: Despite high winds and a temperature of zero, the Washington State-San Jose State football game was played on schedule in Pullman, Washington. Total paid attendance was one. ***Man… who was THAT psycho?!?!

1981: Astronauts Joe Engle and Richard Truly rode into orbit in the first space shuttle, Columbia. ***You have to admire men like this. Not just for their bravery, but for their navigation skills. If I take a wrong turn on the way to McDonalds I have to call home for help!

1989: Student Greg McNeil flew history’s first human-powered helicopter inside a gymnasium at California Poly State University. With Greg pedaling like crazy, the helicopter rose four inches off the floor for two seconds. ***Oh yeah… that gadget will come in handy.

1995: UCLA scientists announced they had germinated the oldest-known seed ever found, a lotus seed from China. The little seed, which had slept for 12-hundred years, sprouted in four days. ***That’s almost as long as it took our (General Manager) to learn how to get his DVD player to stop blinking 12 o’clock!

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1556: Dutch Anabaptist reformer Menno Simons wrote in a letter: ‘I can neither teach nor live by the faith of others. I must live by my own faith as the Spirit of the Lord has taught me through His Word.’

1701: The Carolina Assembly passed a Vestry Act making the Church of England the official religion of the Carolina Colony. (Strong opposition by Quakers and other resident Nonconformists forced the colony’s proprietors to revoke their legislation two years later.)

1818: Birth of Henri F. Hemy, English church organist. Of his several original compositions, best known is the tune ST. CATHERINE, to which we commonly sing the hymn, “Faith of Our Fathers.”

1899: American evangelist Dwight Lyman Moody, 62, began his last evangelistic campaign in Kansas City, Missouri. Becoming ill during the last service, Moody was unable to complete his message, and died a few days later, on Dec 22.

1954: American Presbyterian missionary Francis Schaeffer wrote in a letter: ‘Loyalty to organizations and movements has always tended over time to take the place of loyalty to the person of Christ.’

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The Princess Diaries, The Devil Wears Prada, Get Smart) Anne Hathaway 34
  • actor (The Notebook, Murder By Numbers) Ryan Gosling 36
  • actress (“E-Ring”, “How I Met Your Mother”, “Good Morning Miami”, “As the World Turns”) Ashley Williams 38 (audio clip)
  • actress (Karen Foster on “Step By Step”) Angela Watson 41
  • skater Tonya Harding 46
  • baseball’s Sammy Sosa 48
  • gymnast Nadia Comaneci 55sportscaster Al Michaels 72

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1833 : Aleksandr Borodin

1917 : Jo Stafford

1931 : Bob Crewe

1936 : Charlotte Davis (The Tune Weavers)

1936 : Mort Shuman

1939 : Ruby Nash Curtis (Ruby & The Romantics)

1943 : Brian Hyland

1944 : Booker T. Jones (Booker T. & the MG’s)

1945 : Neil Young

1946 : Arthur Tavares (Tavares)

1947 : Buck Dharma (Blue Oyster Cult)

1948 : Errol Brown (Hot Chocolate)

1950 : Barbara Fairchild

1955 : Leslie McKeown (The Bay City Rollers)

1964 : David Ellefson (Megadeth)

1976 : Tevin Campbell

1985 : Omarion (B2K)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

WHY IS THE PITCHER’S MOUND 60 FEET SIX INCHES FROM THE HOME PLATE?
Until 1893, the pitcher’s mound was 50 feet from home plate. Pitchers were having a relatively easy time tossing fast balls and strikes, and the game was becoming a bore. Thus, officials decided to move the mound back 10 feet. A diagram showing a distance of 60′ 0″ was presented to a surveyor, who was supposed to map out new fields. Unfortunately, the surveyor misread the diagram as showing 60′ 6″, and designed the new field accordingly. The blueprints and several new mounds were finished before the error was noticed, so the measurement remained.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A bumper sticker suggestion from Moriah Peters. She posted: can someone make a bumper sticker that says “Is your mascara worth my life?” Moriah added: eyes on the road please.

A bit of trivia about Third Day’s Mac Powell. He posted: I don’t love pretzels.

Phil Wickham is doing some series training for an upcoming road race and says you are welcome to join him. He posted a picture from a recent training run and said he was working to increase his pace in preparation for the Encinitas Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. Phil added: If anyone else wants to meet me at the start line, some friends and I will be running the 10k. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMKnhesAJ9V/

MercyMe’s 2014 album Welcome To The New has received the RIAA’s Gold Certification. The designation is given when a half million copies have been sold. Welcome to the New’s Gold Certification marks the bands sixth gold album. Mercyme has also had one double platinum album and one platinum video.

The social media site Vine is going away and Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo says it’s only appropriate that his last Vine post is lamenting another Jaguars lost. He said that’s how I’ll be remembered.

Chris Tomlin says there is something powerful that happens when we declare truths that people have been singing for generations. That was his goal while recording his personal version of the age old hymn Come Thou Fount.

You never know what will be required when you’re recording new music. Meredith Andrews posted this week: sometimes laying down vocals means you have to give your best train impression. She recorded a short video as she and her husband did just that. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMCZyckAQ12/

Ever wonder how Mercyme front man Bart Millard would describe himself? Here is his five word description from Instagram: singer/songwriter. Mercyme. Passionate napper.

More than 200 years after the revolutionary war, a resident of England was again impacting the United States. A video featuring UK worship leader Matt Redman’s powerful rendition of “10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)” live in Times Square in 2015 was receiving new life leading up to this year’s election. In just 72 hours, the video garnered a half a million views on YouTube, with over 50,000 people sharing the video on Facebook. Church Leaders called the performance a “beautiful glimpse into what it looks like when we worship God in the midst of a secular culture.” They said it was just what the country needed in the days leading up to the 2016 presidential election. Check out the video performance at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo–H_yx2vg

Mandisa’s song Overcomer was officially used to welcome the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. The Christian singer posted a video as Pacific Christian School’s “The Other Group” performed “Overcomer” for the royals. https://youtu.be/uHGzrve6Eng

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bye Bye”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Tim Hawkins, “Costco”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Racquet the Skunk made a defective badminton racquet and sold it to Gruffy Bear. Gruffy gave that same racquet as a gift to Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, without Racquet knowing. Rita gave the racquet to her friend Stinky – and it broke immediately! And now Rita is under arrest for sabotaging a badminton racquet!

CLOSE: This just keeps getting worse! Not only is Rita in jail for something she didn’t do, but now so is Gruffy… and the one that really should be in jail is Racquet for purposely making defective badminton racquets to begin with – all to try and get rich off of his friends. Tune in for more of our story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 12/13

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were scared senseless – to the point of selling all of their possessions and wanting to move – all because of a mysterious giant-footed monster that’s been leaving footprints in the jungle! But Sully had an idea… maybe it’s all a big joke!

CLOSE: If this keeps up, we’re never going to find out where those giant footprints came from! I can’t believe all of the jungle animals are such cowards! But then, I don’t have to deal with mysterious, giant footprints suddenly appearing in my yard! Tune in for more of our story next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A Florida man succeeded in ending his problem of pale skin by buying a new tanning lamp.

The lamp did its job as not only did his skin change color, his clothes began turning dark brown and smoldering and when he tried to put out the flames, he caught himself on fire. The fire quickly spread through the man’s apartment and then through the complex, which was soon transformed from a pale tone, to a deep, rich black. Mr. Tan was treated for burns at the scene.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS THE U.S. WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THE PRESIDENT WERE A DOG

10.  Doggy door on oval office

9.  At press conferences, instead of “Mr. President,” reporters would shout, “Here fella!”

8.  Good-bye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

7.  Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story-high fire hydrant

6.  Secret Service Agents required to carry doggie treats at all times.

5.  Public Enemy # 1 — Cats

4.  Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

3.  Nations most brilliant scientists reassigned to work on new flea and tick formula.

2. One word:  sausage-gate

1.  Here’s your new national anthem:  (video clip)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Here’s yet another tip for would-be car thieves. Never steal a vehicle from an auto repair shop because chances are it’s there for a good reason…

FILE #1: …A Russian thief did just that and there was no stopping him. That’s because the car was in for brake repairs, which had not yet been completed. Witnesses watched as he flew through a set of traffic lights and smash into another car just a few yards down the road. The man was arrested and charged with theft.

FILE #2: A 23-year-old Seattle man totaled a stolen car, hot-wired two more cars and crashed them both into other vehicles – all in a span of 22 minutes. Police were called shortly after noon after the man crashed a stolen car into a utility pole. He then took off in another stolen car, sending pedestrians jumping out of his way as he sped through a crosswalk and crashed into a parked car across from a high school. He then stole another car and, with police in pursuit, drove off again and eventually hit two more cars. He then ran through an apartment complex. Police caught him on foot.

FILE #3: Frank Flores led the highway patrol on a high speed freeway chase until his car ran out of gas. At this time most criminals would either give themselves up or jump from the car and run. But not Frank. Instead, he gets out of his car, runs to the back and begins pushing it. The nice officers were kind enough to call a tow truck immediately after arresting him.

STRANGE LAW: In Canada, you may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Gregory Walter went to court to deal with two criminal charges. By the end of his appearance, he had gotten a third.

Gregory Walter was in court on attempted burglary and drug possession charges when he was accused of trying to hide cocaine under a courtroom chair. Witnesses said he reached into his shirt pocket and tried to hide a small plastic bag of white powder under a chair leg. A deputy retrieved the packet, the substance tested positive for cocaine and Walter now has a new drug charge added to his file.

PHONER PHUN

Are you distantly related to anyone famous? (My third-cousin is Diane Keaton, and Bill Clinton’s great-grandmother is my great-great grandmother.)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In what book of the Bible does it talk about camels wearing necklaces?

ANSWER: Judges (Judges 8)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many feet of earthworms does a baby robin eat each day?

ANSWER: Approximately 14-feet

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Each year, more movies are produced in India than in Hollywood. (True. About 800 movies are released annually in India, about twice the output of Hollywood.)

2. Cinderella’s slippers in the original version of the story were made out of tree bark. (False – they were originally made of fur. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator. It was the left shoe that Aschenputtel – a.k.a. Cinderella – lost at the stairway, when the prince tried to follow her.)

3. Dr. Seuss wrote “Green Eggs and Ham” on a bet. (True – after his editor dared him to write a book using fewer than 50 different words.)

4. The very first fictional detective was introduced by Edgar Allan Poe. (True – mystery fiction’s first fictional detective was Auguste C. Dupin, in his 1841 story, “The Murders in the Rue Morgue.”)

5. Ghosts appear in 5 Shakespearian plays. (False – they appear in four: Julius Caesar, Richard III, Hamlet and Macbeth.)

6. Sherlock Holmes never said ‘Elementary, my dear Watson.’ (True)

7. The original story from Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights begins, ‘Aladdin was a little Chinese boy.’ (True)

8. A diamond is the hardest natural substance on earth, but if it gets hot enough it will simply disappear. (True – if it is placed in an oven and the temperature is raised to about 763 degrees Celsius <1405 degrees Fahrenheit>, it will simply vanish, without even ash remaining. Only a little carbon dioxide will have been released.)

9. A baseball thrown from a pitcher’s hand is eight-miles-per-hour slower than when it reaches home plate. (False – it’s the exact opposite. It’s slower when it passes over home plate due to wind resistance.)

10. Despite what we’ve been led to believe, Beethoven was not a prodigy. (True – As a child, Beethoven made such a poor impression on his music teachers that he was pronounced hopeless as a composer. Even Haydn, who taught him harmony, did not recognize Beethoven’s potential genius.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“_______ ________ Blessed At Church Services!” (BOXER SHORTS)

150 pairs of boxer shorts were recently blessed at the St. James United Church of Christ in Casco Township, Michigan. The shorts were specially made by volunteers for wounded veterans who wear bulky prosthetics or braces on their legs.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

During a phone conversation, my niece mentioned that she was taking a psychology course at her high school.

“Oh, great,” I said. “Now you’ll be analyzing everyone in the family.”

“No, no,” she replied. “I don’t take abnormal psychology until next semester.”

JOKE #2

Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week’s topic – the problems of dining out.

She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and salad dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried.

Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. “What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?”

Replied one woman rather too quickly… “Running into you!”

JOKE #3

The banker had called the man in to talk about his account.

“Your financial affairs are in a big mess! Your wife constantly overdraws your account. She is behind in her charge accounts at the department store, and her check stubs are all added wrong. So…why don’t you talk to her about it?”

“Because….” said the man, “I would rather argue with you than with her.”

USELESS FACTS

So, how legitimate is that Nobel Peace Prize that Al Gore and Barack Obama have on their fireplace mantels?  Well, both Hitler and Stalin were once nominated for Nobel Peace Prizes too.  Nuff said.

The international police organization Interpol said there had been a worldwide surge in car theft, with one vehicle being stolen every 10 seconds. ***Boy, you gotta feel sorry for the owner of THAT car!

Some scientists believe that vitamin D, which the body creates from sunlight, prevents cancer, but sunscreen is keeping people from getting enough of it. ***Well, that’s pleasant news.  The sun causes cancer, and now so does sunscreen.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOD MUST HAVE HAD A BETTER PLAN

“Winterize your lawn,” the big sign outside the garden store commanded, back in September. During my life time I’ve fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I was supposed to winterize it? I didn’t do it. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we’ve come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne’s lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency. Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:
“Frank (that’s God’s nickname for St. Francis). Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.”
“It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord.” said St. Francis. “The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass.”
“Grass?” exclaimed God. “But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?”
“Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.”
“The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.”
“Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week.”
“They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?”
“Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.”
“They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?”
“No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away”
“Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?”
“Yes, Lord.”
“These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.”
“You aren’t going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.”
“What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.”
“You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away just like they do the grass.”
“No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?”
“After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.”
“And where do they get this mulch?”
“They cut down trees and grind them up.”
“I’ve heard enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?”
“Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a real stupid movie about…”
“Never mind I think I just heard the whole story.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

YOU BETTER SHOP AROUND

Hey, men! Looking for a way to get out of walking around the malls and shops with your wife this holiday season? Why not hire a substitute husband?

I love the holidays. And I’d love them even MORE if I didn’t have to go shopping with my bride. I HATE SHOPPING! I hate that she gives me her purse so she can try something on, and then I’m stuck carrying the thing for the next two hours looking like a complete numbskull. I hate having to walk around and around and around, and then get in the car with NOTHING, so we have to go somewhere else and start all over again. So you can imagine my relief when I discovered a way to get out of it. Unfortunately, for me to take advantage of this great idea I would have to move to Scotland. But I’m still considering it. A Scottish retail center is providing surrogate husbands and boyfriends to walk around with female customers around the shops. The Braehead Shopping Centre in Glasgow is testing the idea… which lets women drop off their shopping-hater husbands and borrow a fresh new shopping-friendly specimen for a few hours. They call it the Shopping Boyfriend, and describe your shopping partner as, “enthusiastic, attentive, admiring and complimentary. He will browse with the wife or girlfriend for hours on end. He’ll even say she looks thin in that dress.” So what do the husbands do while their wives are shopping? The company says the men can relax with video games and a selection of magazines until they get picked up and taken home again. ***MARLAR: So, it’s day care for husbands; and as long as I get my graham crackers, milk, and a nap, I’m a happy hubby.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

TODAY

Today I smiled, and all at once things didn’t look so bad.
Today I shared with someone else, a bit of hope I had.

Today I sang a little song and felt my heart grow light,
And walked a happy little mile with not a cloud in sight.

Today I worked with what I had and longed for nothing more,
And what had seemed like only weeds, were flowers at my door.

Today I loved a little more and complained a little less,
And in the giving of myself, I forgot my weariness.

– Author Unknown

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal)

At the time when kings go off to war… David remained in Jerusalem. –2 Samuel 11:1

Being in the wrong place at the wrong time can be a really bad thing… King David discovered that with a woman named Bathsheba. We’ll talk about that on today’s Rush Hour Devotion!

The wrong place is a dangerous place to be. King David learned that lesson the hard way in the life-altering incident involving a woman named Bathsheba and her husband Uriah.

Here’s a quick summary of the story in 2 Samuel 11. King David should have been fighting along with his army, but instead he was at his residence in Jerusalem. He was on the rooftop one night when he looked down and saw Bathsheba bathing.

He sent messengers to get her, and he slept with her. When he heard that Bathsheba had become pregnant, David brought Uriah home from the war in an effort to cover up his sin. But Uriah didn’t sleep with his wife, so David had him put on the front line of battle so he would be killed. Then he married Bathsheba.

David’s adultery and the murder of Uriah resulted in the death of Bathsheba’s child. David’s own family fell into chaos. God forgave David, but the consequences were felt for generations.

All this happened because David was at home on a roof instead of fighting in the war. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and his life and family were changed forever.

The same thing that happened to David could happen to you. Okay, so you’re not supposed to be away at war. But maybe you shouldn’t be at that party where alcohol is served. Perhaps you shouldn’t be alone in your house or apartment with your boyfriend or girlfriend. And just maybe you shouldn’t be hanging around with friends who seem to like trouble.

The final words of 2 Samuel 11 are these: “The thing David had done displeased the Lord.” David thought he had covered his sins nicely. But God knew what David had done. He also knows what you’ve done. He knows what you think you’ve gotten away with. God judges sin, and He’ll judge yours. The bottom line? Avoid wrong places and wrong times.

LEFTOVERS

LISTEN TO MUSIC WHEN YOU EXERCISE 

If you’re about to hop on a treadmill, throw in the ear buds and turn up your favorite tunes. It turns out that exercising while listening to music adds 19 minutes to the average workout. That’s 58 minutes with music compared to 39 minutes without.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH IN JUST 5 MINUTES…

(National Examiner) Got five minutes to spare? Use the time to improve your health by practicing one of these 10 top tips:

*   CORRECT POSTURE — Sitting at your desk, adjust the height of your chair so that your forearms are parallel to the floor when using a keyboard. Your thighs should be at right angles to your body.

*   TEA TIME — Two cups of tea a day can halve the risk of heart disease and prevent strokes. The phytochemicals in tea contain antioxidants that knock out free radicals that can lead to cancer.

*   BRUSH RIGHT — To fend off gum disease, brush and floss twice a day. Use short horizontal strokes, and follow up with mouthwash to make sure you get all the plaque.

*   JUICE IT — A glass of orange juice is the easiest way to get one of the five recommended daily servings of fruits and veggies and it’s packed with vitamin C.

*   DEEP BREATHS — Shallow breathing can lead to increased risk of infection in the lower lungs and high blood pressure. Deep breathing increases oxygen in the blood, calms nerves and lowers the heart rate.

*   RENT A COMEDY — Having a good laugh can improve overall health and boost levels of immunoglobulin, an antibody that helps fight infections. It can also lower blood pressure.

*   TREAT YOUR FEET — Wash your feet every day, and dry thoroughly, especially between the toes. Apply a moisturizing cream but not between the toes, because moisture leads to athlete’s foot.

*   STRETCH — If you don’t stretch a muscle after a workout, it won’t be able to refuel with the right nutrients, and the muscle fibers won’t fall back into place.

*   PHONE A FRIEND — Getting in touch with friends and family is an effective way of beating depression and can help you recover from illness sooner.

*   PET YOUR PET — Stroking your kitty or pooch lowers your heart rate and blood pressure, and can improve your chances of survival after a serious illness of surgery.

JUST FOR FUN

GLOOMY FORECAST FOR THIS WEATHERMAN

Some TV weather forecasters catch grief for making the wrong predictions, but Luiz Carlos Austin could be going to jail…

…the mayor of Rio de Janeiro wants Austin prosecuted for predicting heavy rain for last New Year’s Eve. The rain never came, but the mayor says the errant forecast could have caused panic in the flood-weary city. Austin defends his forecast, saying a cold front broke up earlier than expected. Prosecutors say they’ll likely charge the weatherman with sounding a false alarm, punishable by up to six months in prison. ***MARLAR: I think the same thing should be done to Hollywood psychics.

FUN LIST

LAW EXAM LEGAL TERMS

  • APPELLATE: Something to feed your hamster.

  • BAILIFF: Expensive, dried up leaf, used in cooking.

  • CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: What your congressman does to you after he’s elected.

  • CHAPTER 11: The part where Rhett marries Scarlett.

  • CONTINGENCY FEES: An amount greater than the gross national product of Panama.

  • CRIMINAL JUSTICE: When the accused and his attorney go to jail.

  • HEARING: What a husband loses after the honeymoon’s over.

  • JURY DUTY: What happens to you if you don’t have a job, haven’t ever read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch TV.

  • LAWYER: Misspelling of the word, “Liar.”

  • MISDEMEANOR: Your 6th grade teacher.

  • PERJURY: When a law firm advertises “We’re only here to help.”

  • PLEA BARGAIN: A good price on fresh pleas.

  • RESTITUTION: Sleep disorder clinic.

  • SANITY CLAUS: Fake fat guy with sleigh and reindeer.

  • TRIAL DATE: Someone you’ll probably ask out only once.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ATTENTION CHILDREN: THE BATHROOM DOOR IS CLOSED.

Received this one from one of our listeners who happens to be a parent… love it!

Attention, children – the bathroom door is closed.  Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.  Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the BATHROOM!”
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now.
Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.  And yes, I still love you.

Signed, Mom

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Revive Our Hearts has come out with the :30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge”. The free PDF challenges wives to speak positively to and about their husband each day.  If you want to check it out, you can find it at http://buff.ly/1izcQSJ

Mom was right. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Skip it, and you could increase your risk of suffering a heart attack or developing heart disease by as much as 27 percent, according to researchers from Harvard. Why? Skipping breakfast makes you hungrier, so you are more likely to have sugary morning snacks and eat more food at lunch. Those types of eating habits can lead to weight gain, hypertension, type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol, all risk factors for cardiovascular disease.

Here is a fun and easy little trick to be the person everyone likes: Share a laugh. Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time or want to strengthen an existing friendship that has faltered, say something that will make you both laugh. That’s the word from researchers at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, who analyzed more than 5,500 social interactions and determined that sharing a laugh with someone now is an excellent predictor of social rewards later whether it be a friendship or a relationship between work colleagues, reports Prevention magazine. while using laughter as a foundation for a healthy relationship is old hat, what’s new about this research is that it focuses on how today’s laugh can impact something that may happen a month from now. For example, share a laugh with a client today, and you may have a better chance of closing the deal next week.

The best beverage for weight loss is water. Yes, drinking an extra glass of water every day may be the secret to fighting middle-age spread and could be even more important than exercise and dieting when it comes to lowering the numbers on the bathroom scale. That’s the word from Harvard University researchers, who have conducted one of the largest and most comprehensive studies on the dietary benefits of drinking water. The 20-year study tracked the food and beverage habits of nearly 125,000 U.S. adults in their 30s, 40s and 50s. By replacing one soda a day with a glass of water, the middle-age adults in the study weighed about seven pounds less than those who didn’t drink as much water. And the more water they consumed instead of sodas, juice and whole milk, the less they gained overall. ***I’ve actually gone without my morning coffee now since the beginning of November, drinking water instead.  I should check my weight on the scale to see if it has made a difference!

Do you wash your coffee mug each day at the office?  Stop!  You’re probably better off never washing your mug at all!  Officials now say it’s fine to never wash your coffee mug, as long as you’re not sharing it with anybody else. Infectious-disease expert Jeffrey Starke said the vast majority of germs in the cup came from the person who used the cup. Even if you drink from it while sick, it’s pretty hard to re-infect yourself with the same mug; most viruses don’t live long outside the body. In the article originally posted in the Wall Street Journal Starke said just leaving your mug unwashed may be a safer bet than the alternative: scrubbing it with the communal sponge in the office kitchen. He added “The sponge in the break room probably has the highest bacteria count of anything in the office.” Starke said.  http://on.today.com/2f1lfRp

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 11, 2016…

Almost Christmas—Danny Glover, a widower,  wants peace and tranquility for the holiday season. How nice to sit and relax and look at the tree instead of arguments and remarks. The family wants to cheer him up, so they come in full force. Too much, too soon and they know where the liquor cabinet is. Ah, what to do? Who can’t relate to this situation?  “Almost Christmas” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for the holiday season.

Arrival—This science fiction film stars Amy Adams as a top-notch linguist who tries to understand the language of the newly arrived aliens. In fact, they use two languages instead of one. What to do? Come in peace, or not? Others in the cast include Jeremy Renner and Forest Whitaker. “Arrival” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Billy Lynn’s Long Halfway Walk—Despite the unusual title, this movie is about a soldier, who is honored as a war hero, but has second thoughts about it. He is played by newcomer Joe Alwyn. The film is directed by Ang Lee and features a new type of camera work that speeds up the frames. Based on the book by Ben Fountain. Also in the cast are Kristen Stewart and Vin Diesel. “Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk” is rated R. No rating.

Elle—Eisabelle Huppert is the victim of a sexual assault. She is an executive and will not be quiet, but plots revenge against the attacker.  This is a Paul Verhoeven movie. “Elle” is rated R. No rating.

Shut In—What to do during a blizzard? Other than shovel, you can have a situation as in this film with a psychologist (Naomi Watts) and a young boy (Jacob Tremblay) shut in during a winter storm. Can be spooky. “Shut In” is rated PG 13. No rating.

USS: Indianapolis: Men Of Courage—Based on a true incident in the sea in the Philippines Islands, the USS Indianapolis was sunk and the men were clinging to whatever they could to survive, and this in shark-infested waters (think of Robert Shaw in “Jaws” telling about this). Harrowing event. This ship was in this area delivering the weapons that would end WWII. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore, Thomas Jane, Matt Lanter, Emily Tennant and Emily Marie Palmer.

NOVEMBER 18, 2016…

The Edge Of Seventeen stars Hailee Steinfeld who objects to her brother dating.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is from the book by J. K. Rowling and stars Eddie Redmayne as the man capturing lost creatures.

Nocturnal Animals are not lost creatures, but in a book meant to scare one person. Stars Amy Adams.

The Disappointments Room concerns a haunted southern mansion. Stars Kate Beckingsale.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.