November 14, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161114

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Now, today’s leaf raking tip: For best results and safer raking, never bother trying to rake your leaves until after they fall from the tree.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. –Romans 15:2

1 Peter 1:23 = For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.

It is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. — 1 Peter 2:15-16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But the LORD is the true God; he is the living God, the eternal King… — Jeremiah 10:10

Thought: There is only one true God. All others are false, mere pretenders to the throne of the Righteous One. Yet like the Athenians in Acts 17, our world continues to place idol after idol in the place that should be reserved for God alone. But, we can be different! We can live as radiant examples of the God of justice, righteousness, mercy, and grace. We can reflect his holiness, share his hope for the lost, and truly make a huge difference in our world.

Prayer: Most High God, my Abba Father, thank you so much for the incredible gift of your grace and the sense of redemptive purpose you have placed within my life. I know that you can use me to do your work in your world and to your glory. Please do! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Acts 11:14 NIV = He will bring you a message through which you and all your household will be saved.’

TODAY IS MONDAY – NOVEMBER 14, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
40 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL YOUNG READERS DAY. ***I’m waiting for next in the series of the Dick and Jane books. I can hardly wait to see what happens next!

Today is NATIONAL TEDDY BEAR. ***To celebrate, I’m planning on handing over all of the controls for the rest of the show to my teddy bear. It should be entertaining!

Today is LOOSEN UP, LIGHTEN UP DAY, a time to remind everyone of the benefits of joy and laughter. ***A lesson already learned by those who aren’t ashamed to admit they have a teddy bear.

Today is LEFTOVERS TRADING DAY, a day to swap everything in your refrigerator to a friend for everything in their refrigerator. ***Then again, some of my leftovers are old enough to walk themselves over to my neighbor’s house and just take whatever they want! Actually, I think this day lands on the wrong place on the calendar. This should come about a week after Thanksgiving when everybody is sick of eating the same leftovers for eight days straight.  Trade leftovers with a friend, and that way you can be sick of THEIR leftovers instead!

TODAY IS ALSO…

International Girls Day

International Selfie Day

Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day

National American Teddy Bear Day

National Spicy Guacamole Day

National Pickle Day

Operating Room Nurse Day

Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day

World Diabetes Day

World Orphans Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15

America Recycles Day

George Spelvin Day (More Than One Role Day)

I Love to Write Day

National Bundt Pan Day

National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

National Entrepreneurship Day

National Philanthropy Day

Rock Your Mocs Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16

International Day for Tolerance

National Button Day

National Educational Support Professionals Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17

Beaujolais Nouveau Day

Great American Smokeout

Homemade Bread Day

National Unfriend Day

Petroleum Day

World Prematurity Awareness Day

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18

European Antibiotic Awareness Day

GIS Day (Geographic Information Systems)

Married To a Scorpio Day Support Day

National Apple Cider Day

Mickey Mouse Day

Push-Button Phone Day

Substitute Educators Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19

American Made Matters Day

Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day)

Family Volunteer Day

Guinness World Record Day

Have a Bad Day Day

International Games Day

Mother Goose Day

National Adoption Day

National Day of Play

National Survivors of Suicide Day

Playmobil’s National Day of Play

Rocky and Bullwinkle Day

Use Less Stuff Day

World Philosophy Day

Women’s Entrepreneurship Day

World Toilet Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20

African Industrialization Day

Crystal Skull World Day

Doo Dah Day

Globally Organized Hug a Runner Day (G.O.H.A.R.D.)

Name Your PC Day

National Peanut Butter Fudge Day

Universal Children’s Day

World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21

Alascattalo Day

World Hello Day

World Television Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22

None Today

ON THIS DAY

1939: Les Hall of Rochester, Victoria, put his Australian cattle dog Bluey to sleep. Bluey was 29 years 5 months old, history’s oldest dog.

1990: Robert Mouawad paid $12.76-million for an 11-sided, 102-carat pear-shaped diamond in Geneva, Switzerland, highest price ever for a diamond (Guinness).

1992: Danville, Virgina, inventor David Bivens introduced his automatic people wash, a device with large spinning brushes similar to those he invented decades earlier to wash cars and trucks. ***It worked well, so long as you didn’t mind a couple of cracked ribs.

1995: A survey reported in George magazine indicated 75% of Americans believed the U.S. government was involved in conspiracies; 50% believed there was life on other planets; 70% believed in angels; and 10% believed Elvis was still alive. ***Boy – that last one sure puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it?

1995: Crayola announced it was replacing its food-scented crayons with new scents parents could be sure their children wouldn’t want to eat. Responding to parental complaints, Crayola replaced such scents as Chocolate, Bubble Gum, and Cherry with Dirt, Shampoo, and Cedar Chest. ***Bringing joy to an abrupt halt for my favorite part of the work day – lunch.

2003: A Beijing woman fed up with her husband’s body odor went to court and made him sign an agreement to take a bath every day. Breaching the agreement three times meant he would be forced to live somewhere else for a month.

2005: Private donations to victims of Hurricane Katrina were reported to be near the $2.7 billion mark in 11 weeks, close to the record $2.8 billion given to Sept. 11, 2001, charities.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1558: Dutch Anabaptist reformer Menno Simons wrote in a letter: ‘We ought not to dread death so. It is but to cease from sin and to enter into a better life.’

1739: English revivalist George Whitefield wrote in his journal: ‘We can preach the Gospel of Christ no further than we have experienced the power of it in our own hearts.’

1741: In Wales, English revivalist George Whitefield, 27, married widow Elizabeth Burnell, 36. (Whitefield apparently did not allow marriage to interrupt his evangelistic activities, since he was not home when their first child was born.)

1784: Samuel Seabury, 55, was consecrated Bishop of Connecticut and Rhode Island, the first bishop of the American Protestant Episcopal Church, and the first Anglican bishop in America.

1941: Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship was incorporated in Chicago. An interdenominational organization with chapters at both colleges and schools of nursing, IVCF provides Christian fellowship, nurture and discipleship among Christian college-age students.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Quigley Down Under, “Just Shoot Me”) Laura San Giacomo 55

  • actor (Michael Whitman on “Life As We Know It”, Mike Pinnochio on “Harsh Realm”, Fire in the Sky, Memphis Belle, Dish Boggett on “Lonesome Dove” the mini-series) D.B. Sweeney 55

  • Former U.S. Secretary of State (under George W. Bush) Condoleezza Rice 62

  • Prince Charles is 68

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1805 : Fanny Mendelssohn Hensel

1900 : Aaron Copland

1915 : Martha Tilton

1920 : Johnny Desmond

1938 : Cornelius Gunter (The Coasters)

1940 : Freddie Garrity (Freddie & the Dreamers)

1944 : Scherrie Payne (The Supremes)

1947 : Buckwheat Zydeco

1948 : James Young (Styx)

1951 : Steven Bishop

1953 : Frankie Banali (Quiet Riot)

1955 : Alec John Such (Bon Jovi)

1964 : Joseph Simmons (aka Run of Run-DMC)

1968 : Brian Yale (Matchbox Twenty)

1975 : Travis Barker (Blink-182)

1975 : Adina Howard

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

WHY NAME A SEARCH ENGINE “YAHOO?”
The name of the Internet directory “Yahoo” is an acronym. According to the company, the name “Yahoo” stands for “Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle.”

Personally, I think I’ll stick with the name ‘Yahoo!’  I don’t know what a ‘hierarchical officious oracle’ is.  In fact, I don’t think I want to know!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Ryan Stevenson: There’s power in your testimony! Share your story, and watch yourself and others start to get free and healed! We are ALL living, breathing, walking examples of unwavering mercy!

Chris Tomlin is a well-known worship leader. Now you can also read his devotional. The YouVersion Bible app is carrying his Never Lose Sight devotional. The thoughts are inspired by Chris’s new album by the same name. http://tomlin.cta.gs/0ql

Tenth Avenue North frontman Mike Donehey says he just had a million-dollar idea. He proposed a men’s only yoga Club. He said you could call it broga. Mike added: BROGA would consist of men doing actual yoga but at any point during a move you can just go ahead and take a nap. Lots of stretching & naps.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett has noticed a trend. She posted: When I tell my kids to clean their rooms, they suddenly turn into slow motion, whiney zombies who don’t know where to find their own closet.

Jay Weaver will get a little time off to rest and recover over the holidays. The Big Daddy Weave bass player is currently on his first full tour back with the band after the amputation of both feet. The Beautiful Offerings tour with Plumb and We Are Messengers will continue through November 20. Then band will then be off for about two months before they hit the road in January of 2017 on the Set Free Tour.

MercyMe front man Bart Millard says he and his wife were going to go to dinner to celebrate their anniversary Tuesday evening. Instead they chose to stay home because they didn’t want to miss the finale of “Survivor: Presidential Edition”

Hawk Nelson frontman Jon Steingard is in Nashville this week writing music for a new Hawk Nelson record. He posted a picture as he did some Moonlighting on the drums. Probably not something the doctor would recommend since he has a broken hand. John wrote on the picture: sorry doctor.

https://twitter.com/jonsteingard/status/796728853439934464/video/1

Mat Kearney is looking forward to the holiday break. After more than 50 shows Matt says he plans to spend the next month in sweat pants watching Netflix.

Jon Steingard’s broken hand is definitely slowing him down. In addition to not being able to play guitar on stage, the front man for Hawk Nelson says he also has had to cut back on his video production. He acknowledged that there hadn’t been many vlogs recently and added, truth is it’s actually hard to both film and edit with a cast.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard on the day after the election: You are still you. America is still America. Most importantly, bacon is still bacon.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pair of socks meant to be worn with sandals from 2,000 years ago. ***Proving conclusively that Egyptian children also had fathers.

President-elect Trump will be asked to stop using his personal cellphone – as President Obama was – for security reasons.  ***Well then, how is he going to continue sending out those inspirational, thought-provoking tweets?

Even though chewing gum has traditionally been banned in many schools, it actually helps teens boost their math scores, according to a recent study. Baylor University researchers found that those who chewed gum during math class got 3% higher scores on standardized tests and earned better grands at the end of the term. Investigators believe the chewing reduces stress so students perform better.  ***Reduces stress!  Did you hear that, all of you who are protesting and rioting because Trump was elected?  Grab some Juicy Fruit and calm down!

A plan by Spain’s prime minister to ban the use of memes in the country met with an immediate and comical backlash on social media on Thursday. Naturally, people created lots of memes featuring the image of the prime minister. The ban was put before Congress and proposed restrictions placed on “spreading images that infringe the honor of a person.”  ***Dude, have you not MET the internet?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a CDC study, nine out of ten teenagers aren’t getting enough fruits or vegetables.  ***The one in ten is getting their fruits through peach mango wine coolers. 

The British Council polled 7,000 English-learners in 46 countries to ask the most beautiful English word. 35,000 more people voted online to narrow it down to the top 70 most beautiful words. They include “peace, if, cute, lullaby, giggle, bliss, kangaroo, twinkle, bumblebee, grace, flabbergasted, tickle, sweetheart, blossom, liberty, destiny, freedom, tranquility and hippopotamus.” Counting down the top five: “eternity, love, smile, passion,” and at #1, “mother.”  ***So the most beautiful sentence ever constructed would be, “A flabbergasted bumblebee graced a mother hippopotamus, and it disturbed the kangaroo’s passionate smile of tranquility.”

As states liberalize their marijuana laws, public officials and safety advocates worry that more drivers high on pot will lead to a big increase in traffic deaths. Researchers who have studied the issue, though, are divided on the question.  Studies of marijuana’s effects show that the drug can slow decision-making, decrease peripheral vision and impede multitasking, all of which are critical driving skills. But unlike with alcohol, drivers high on pot tend to be aware that they are impaired and they try to compensate by driving slowly, avoiding risky actions such as passing other cars, and allowing extra room between vehicles.  ***In case you missed that, let me interpret it for you… yes, with marijuana being legalized, there will be more accidents – but they’ll all be low impact, and everyone will be so mellow they won’t care.  

Scientists at the University of Auckland have determined that mozzarella is the best kind of cheese used for making pizza. For their research, which was published in the Journal of Food Science, the food scientists watched as pizzas cooked with a variety of cheeses via “cameras and special software” to analyze and measure things like blistering, browning, elasticity and water density.  ***This story brought to you by the Center for Stating The Obvious.  

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bye Bye”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Tim Hawkins, “Costco”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Racquet the Skunk made a defective badminton racquet and sold it to Gruffy Bear. Gruffy gave that same racquet as a gift to Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, without Racquet knowing. Rita gave the racquet to her friend Stinky – and it broke immediately! And now Rita is under arrest for sabotaging a badminton racquet!

CLOSE: This just keeps getting worse! Not only is Rita in jail for something she didn’t do, but now so is Gruffy… and the one that really should be in jail is Racquet for purposely making defective badminton racquets to begin with – all to try and get rich off of his friends. Tune in for more of our story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 19/20

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were determined to find out what kind of creature was making giant footprints in the jungle… but then they decided not to because they were scared. But then they got brave and moved forward… and then they got scared again. And now…

CLOSE: Finally… now we’re making some progress! What will the jungle animals find when they get back to the giant footprints? Will Millard become monster food, or will this all turn out to be a giant joke? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A letter from a hospital to a patient is actually a Moment of Duh!

University Hospitals Coventry recently sent Ronald Cooksey a letter, informing him that he is a “non-emergency patient” and comforting him with the news that his chances for surviving his surgery are good. “There is a difference between patients like you, who are on our waiting list for elective surgery, and emergency patients who need to have surgery in a hurry because their condition has become unstable or life-threatening,” the letter explained. Yes, it is undeniably true that there IS a difference between Ronald Cooksey and other patients. Ronald Cooksey is DEAD… having died from his “non-emergency” heart condition a year earlier. The family is very upset, to say the least.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINNEST BOOKS

10. The Amish Phone Directory

9. Mike Tyson’s “How To Speak Professionally”

8. George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names

7. Everything Women Know About Men

6. Everything Men Know About Women

5. Different Ways To Spell Bob

4. America’s Most Popular Lawyers

3. Things I Would Not Do For Attention-By Paris Hilton

2. The Engineer’s Guide To Fashion

1. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Wearing disguises backfires on two would-be robbers.

FILE #1: Two London teen-agers who robbed a store forgot to cut eyeholes in the wool hats they pulled down over their heads. They were recorded by the store’s surveillance camera as they repeatedly bumped into counters and displays, oblivious to the fact that the store’s owner was phoning the police. Then, when they decided to leave, they couldn’t find their way out, so they lifted their hats so they could see, exposing their faces to the camera.

FILE #2: Speaking of clever disguises, it’s usually a good idea to put on your disguise before entering the place you intend to rob. From Elkhorn, Wisconsin comes the story of Gail Fontayne who walked into a convenience store carrying a rifle and a ski mask. She headed for the back of the store where she tried to put the mask on. Needless to say her bumbling attracted some attention, causing her to make a quick change of plans. She claimed that she was carrying a gun because she had just come from skeet shooting and, as for the mask, she was just trying it on. Didn’t work. She’s been charged with attempted robbery.

FILE #3: Out of money and wanting to get home, two young ladies from India reverted to desperate measures to get some cash. The two ladies, aged 18 and 23, entered the manager’s office of the State Bank of India branch in Pune, and attempted to rob the bank with a unique weapon — a TV remote control! The two were quickly overpowered by security guards and were later arrested.

FILE #4: (My favorite Law & Disorder story of all time!) Emma Jensen is a welfare widow in Australia who returned from a doctor’s visit to find her home had been broken into. However, instead of finding stuff missing, she found 23 dollars and a note saying, “Lady, you are worse off than we are. There’s nothing here worth stealing. Here’s all the money we have. Buy yourself something to eat.” The note was signed, “The burglars.”

STRANGE LAW: In Chico, California detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Now, you can add a new use for duct tape to your list.

An airline crew used duct tape to restrain a passenger they say was drunk and violent. Maria Esther Castillo of New York State is charged with resisting arrest and interfering with operations aboard a United Airlines plane. Authorities charge Castillo hit a member of the crew and pulled a blind passenger’s hair. Officials say when Castillo slipped out of ankle cuffs, crew members and passengers used duct tape to keep her in her seat. The disruption also forced the pilot to make an unscheduled landing in North Carolina, en route from Puerto Rico to Chicago.

PHONER PHUN

What was your favorite children’s book growing up? “Green Eggs & Ham” by Dr. Seuss? The “Nancy Drew” or “Hardy Boys” mysteries? “The Chronicles of Narnia?”

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said, “Choose ye this day whom ye will serve … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”?
ANSWER: Joshua, in his farewell address to his people.

(But if you are unwilling to serve the Lord, then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.” –Joshua 24:15) 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In 1960, an estimated 4,000 people were over 100 years old in the U.S. What was the estimated number in 1995?

ANSWER: 55,000

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There are approximately 45 billion fat cells in an average adult. (True. ***MARLAR: No wonder I feel bloated!)

2. All the moons of the Solar System are named after Greek and Roman mythology. (False – the moons of Uranus are named after Shakespearean characters.)

3. Bad hair days are a cause of low self-esteem. (True. According to a recent Yale University study, on those days when the hair just wouldn’t cooperate, people felt less smart, less capable, more embarrassed and less sociable. What was surprising to the researchers was that men, not women, were most likely to be affected by bad hair days.)

4. Rockets were invented in Russia. (False, they were invented in China.)

5. The largest reflecting telescope in the world is over 296 feet in diameter. (False – the Keck telescope has a diamter of 396 inches, that’s 33 feet.)

6. There are 106 known elements. (False – there are 108.)

7. The opossum is the only marsupial native to North America. (True.)

8. In measurement terms, a gill equals 4 ounces. (True – 4 ounces or 1/2 cup)

9. The world’s tallest waterfall is Niagra Falls. (False – it’s Angel Falls in Venezuela, at 3,212 feet high)

10. Vanilla is a member of the orchid family. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GEORGIA MOM TURNS _______ (BRITISH)

SNELLVILLE, GA. – A Geogia mom went to the hospital for a stroke and came home with a British accent and bad teeth.

Ryn Scarabin grew up in Metter, and could speak “Southern” all her life. That changed in February when Ryn started experiencing stroke-like symptoms. Suddenly she was sounding like Princess Di.

“Of course, people don’t believe me when I say, ‘I’m from Georgia,’ or, ‘I’m a Georgia girl, just like everybody else,’” said Scarabin.

Because the Snellville mother of two sure doesn’t sound like it.

“I hear people say Britain. I hear people say Australia. I hear people say South Africa,” she said, adding that she’s never visited any of those countries.

Her Georgia twang disappeared in February after Ryn was rushed to the ER with stroke symptoms.

“The first couple of days no matter how complex the word was, she could only get one syllable,” said Karl Scarabin, Ryn’s husband.

“By the end of the week, it was getting better, but my words were quite choppy and I was taking on what some told me was almost like an Asian accent,” Ryan said.

Then things got stranger after a week in the hospital. Karl said his wife suddenly had a British accent.

“Some sort of misfiring occurred in my brain, because, of course, my speech is totally altered. It’s suspected I had maybe a small stroke,” Ryn Scarbin said.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, “That’s a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!”

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn’t see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, “Those shoes are stylin’, my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!”

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, “That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!”

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, “Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look – what’s up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??”

“Oh,” the waiter nonchalantly replies. “It’s just the peanuts.”

“The PEANUTS?!?” the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

“Yes,” replies the waiter, “They’re complimentary.”

JOKE #2

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.  The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!”

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this was a bus stop.”

JOKE #3

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”
The pigmy said, “Yes.”

The hunter asked, “How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?”

“I killed it with my club.”

The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”

The pigmy replied, “There’s about 60 of us.”

USELESS FACTS

Déja Vu occurs when your brain applies a memory of a similar situation to your current situation, making you think it has happened already.  ***And then there’s the feeling of Vu jaDe’, which is the sensation of nothing every happening to you before.

According to Census figures, there’s over 50,000 Americans right now who are 100 years old. ***When asked the secret to a long life, 73% of them answered, “Breathing.”

FEATURED FUNNIES

WILD GAME

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.

I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, “Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Could our pain at the pump soon come to an end?

A Canadian man named Joe Williams has invented a device he calls a Hydrogen Generating Module, or H2N-Gen for short. It’s smaller than a DVD player and he claims that it can increase your car’s gas mileage by 10 to 40 percent and cut pollutants by 100 percent. The H2N-Gen contains a small reservoir of distilled water and other chemicals such as potassium hydroxide. A current is run from the car battery through the liquid, which creates hydrogen and oxygen gases that are then fed into the engine’s intake manifold where they mix with the gasoline vapors. You may not know it, but your car’s engine only burns about 35 percent of the fuel. The rest eventually becomes air pollution. By adding hydrogen to the mix, more fuel is burned, meaning better mileage and cleaner air. Williams’ device increases burn efficiency to at least 97 percent. It also means less engine maintenance and oil changes. All you would have to do is refill the unit with distilled water once every 80 hours of engine use. If you think he’s just all talk, an independent lab has verified his results. Williams estimates the units will cost about $750 each and after a couple of last tweaks, they could be on the market in six to 12 months. While they can work with any car, he plans to begin selling them first to fleets, such as mass transit companies. ***MARLAR: At which point the price of distilled water will immediately quadruple.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FLOWER
The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read Beneath the long, straggly branches of an old willow tree. Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown, For the world was intent on dragging me down.
And if that weren’t enough to ruin my day, A young boy out of breath approached me, all tired from play. He stood right before me with his head tilted down And said with great excitement, “Look what I found!”
In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight, With its petals all worn – not enough rain, or too little light. Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play, I faked a small smile and then shifted away.
But instead of retreating he sat next to my side And placed the flower to his nose and declared with surprise, “It sure smells pretty and it’s beautiful, too. That’s why I picked it; here, it’s for you.”
The weed before me was dying or dead. Not vibrant of colors, orange, yellow or red. But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave. So I reached for the flower, and replied, “Just what I need.”
But instead of him placing the flower in my hand, He held it mid-air without reason or plan. It was then that I noticed for the very first time that weed-toting boy could not see: he was blind.
I heard my voice quiver, tears shone like the sun As I thanked him for picking the very best one. “You’re welcome,” he smiled, and then ran off to play, Unaware of the impact he’d had on my day.
I sat there and wondered how he managed to see A self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree. How did he know of my self-indulged plight? Perhaps from his heart, he’d been blessed with true sight.
Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see the problem was not with the world; the problem was me. And for all of those times I myself had been blind, I vowed to see beauty, and appreciate every second that’s mine.
And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose and breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose And smiled as that young boy, another weed in his hand about to change the life of an unsuspecting old man.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Jesus said, “I have come to call not the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5.32)

One of the most revealing lines in literature appears in the opening paragraph of A. A. Milne’s WINNIE-THE-POOH: “Here is Edward Bear coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way…if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it!” If you keep bumping your head coming down the stairs, maybe it is time you stop for a moment and think if there is another way it might be done. Sometimes our so-called weaknesses are simply warning signs to us that we are on the wrong road. Elie Wiesel once noted that according to Jewish tradition, creation did not end with man. It began with him. When He created man, God gave him a secret–and that secret was not how to begin, but how to BEGIN AGAIN. In other words, “it is not given to man to begin; that privilege is God’s alone. But it is given to man to begin again….” Some of us need to begin again. That is what repentance is all about.

LEFTOVERS

NAME GAME

Drivers in Giles County, Tennessee, might start developing a complex about their weight thanks to new license plates.

…Over 300 were given new plates with the prefix “FAT” on them. Ronnie Rose, who was issued plate “FAT 058” for his white Lincoln says he wants a new one because some people think it’s his personalized plate and he is a bit overweight. The state also started using vowels in its license combinations, so in addition to “FAT” others are getting “DUM”, “DUH” and “DUD”.

LIFE… LIVE IT

7 TURKEY MYTHS THAT COULD RUIN YOUR THANKSGIVING (MSN Lifestyle)

MYTH: ALWAYS WASH THE TURKEY THOROUGHLY

Experts say scrubbing down your bird is not only unnecessary, it could actually be harmful. You could splash disease-causing germs around your sink, countertop, utensils, and other food you may be preparing.

MYTH: YOU DON’T HAVE TO THAW A TURKEY COMPLETELY

Actually, a properly thawed turkey is key to making sure the bird is fully cooked

MYTH: A STUFFED TURKEY WON’T COOK THROUGH

Simply check the temperature of both the stuffing and turkey meat before serving. Stuffing should be about 165 degrees

MYTH: BASTING FREQUENTLY KEEPS MEAT MOIST

Basting doesn’t actually flavor the meat that much because most of the liquid runs off the skin and back into the pan.

MYTH: YOU CAN TELL THE BIRD IS DONE BY ITS THIGH TEMPERATURE

Food experts at Gourmet magazine recommended using the four-spot test to check for doneness: prick both thighs, the thickest part of the breast on each side, and each wing.

MYTH: DON’T EAT THE SKIN

Turkey skin is high in fat but it’s the good kind of fat.

MYTH: LEFTOVERS CAN SIT OUT UNTIL THE END OF THE MEAL

Butterball suggests refrigerating leftovers within two hours of eating

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

It is possible to enjoy the holiday feast without having to diet later on. Weight loss expert Dr. Donald Robertson offers the following advice to help keep the pounds off over the holidays.

  • Drink lots and lots of water. He says two or three quarts a day is not too much. It helps to kill hunger pains and keeps your body functioning properly.

  • Don’t go to holiday parties hungry. Always have a bite before going out.

  • Be careful at holiday buffets. Survey the buffet first to see what’s available. Pick the healthy items first, like fresh vegetables.

  • The best beverage is bottled water with lime, but if you must drink, he suggests a wine spritzer (half white wine, half club soda.)

  • Avoid eggnog.

  • White meat turkey is the healthiest meat.

  • Keep in mind that a lot of prepackaged holiday foods are packed with sugar even though they say non-fat on the label. Read packages carefully.

  • When you do indulge, keep moving. Exercise is essential for weight maintenance and it also boosts energy levels. A brisk 20 minute walk three to four times a week can make a real difference.

JUST FOR FUN

TIPS FOR THE CLUELESS

Some Tips for the Clueless (learned the hard way)

  • If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx.
  • If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
  • If you want your refrigerator’s ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn’t make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
  • No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
  • A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
  • When the PC says, “Insert diskette #2,” don’t do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you’re sure you can make them both fit in there.
  • When your PC says “You have mail,” don’t go to the company mailroom and look for a package.
  • The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn’t translate English language web pages into French.
  • If you’re in the armed services and it’s April 1st and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don’t.
  • If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don’t have to specify whether it’s for a Windows or a Macintosh.

FUN LIST

THINGS YOU WON’T READ ON HALLMARK CARDS

FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am,

INSIDE: That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion.

INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.

FRONT: Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:

INSIDE: What the heck was I thinking?

FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.

INSIDE: And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so ugly.

FRONT: When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.

INSIDE: Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WAXING POETIC


The hottest new natural health craze is called “coning.”

What is “coning?”  Well, what you do, is put a hollow wax cone in your ear and set it on fire. (And this is supposed to be good for you?!?) “Ear candling” or “coning” supposedly gets rid of ear wax by creating a vacuum in the ear. Some people think it will be the next big thing in personal hygiene, helping to relieve everything from “itching ears, joint pain and headaches to depression and general tiredness.”  ***MARLAR Or you could bypass the hundreds-of-dollars-procedure and buy a box of QTips.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

We live in a youth-obsessed culture, fueled in part by Baby Boomers who refuse to grow old gracefully, insisting 50 is the new 30. Well, if that’s the case, when does that murky milestone of middle age begin? Florida State University sociology professor Anne Barrett examined how people view the start and end of middle age. Both women and men view the start and end of middle age as occurring earlier for women than for men, consistent with the argument that a “double standard of aging” exists that disadvantages women. Younger adults tend to see middle age as occurring at younger ages than do older adults. In other words, as people grow older, they tend to see this life stage as occurring later. So just when does middle age begin and end? Although there’s no hard data that clearly define the bookends of mid-life, it seems we have a pretty good idea about when it’s time to view our youth from the rearview mirror. Most people think middle age begins at 44 and ends at 60. ***Well nuts, it appears I’m middle-aged.

How do you know if what you have is a cold or the flu? Peter Hibberd, M.D. told NewsHealthMax that the best way to distinguish between a cold and the flu is by a rapid test your doctor can give in the office. However, clinical symptoms can help you figure it before you call your physician. if it’s a cold you’ll likely have nasal congestion, a minor sore throat, a dry cough and possibly a low-grade fever. The common cold typically comes and goes in about six days, and few of us suffer any complications. When you get a cold, you can usually go to work as this is a mild illness. if it’s the flu you will experience a sudden onset of all-over body aches, a fever over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, cough, congestion, nausea, weakness, loss of appetite and even vomiting. Influenza is a serious illness — so serious that it is difficult to go to work because you are too ill and too weak.

Election 2016 is finally over and now is the time for unity and healing in the country.  The election was unprecedented in the way it has turned Americans against each other, including some in the faith community. In a recent survey, 15 percent of respondents said they had stopped talking to a family member or close friend as a result of the election. CBN News spoke with Anne Graham Lotz about what the church can do to help heal the divide. She responded: “I think the most critical thing that God’s people can do is one is to pray”. “Two is to repent of our sin and three is to keep our focus on God.”  Start the process of healing by reading the article at http://bit.ly/2fTd5MR

‘Tis the frantic season of gift-giving, parties, recitals and travel. In response, here are 3 ideas to streamline your holidays from Family Life Today.

1. Pare down your gift-giving.

2. Prioritize.

3. Plan ahead.

http://bit.ly/1WzL3iw

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Opinions expressed by (JOCK) are not necessarily those of this station, its management, or the boss’s bossy secretary who tells the boss what to think. –HaLife

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 11, 2016…

Almost Christmas—Danny Glover, a widower,  wants peace and tranquility for the holiday season. How nice to sit and relax and look at the tree instead of arguments and remarks. The family wants to cheer him up, so they come in full force. Too much, too soon and they know where the liquor cabinet is. Ah, what to do? Who can’t relate to this situation?  “Almost Christmas” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for the holiday season.

Arrival—This science fiction film stars Amy Adams as a top-notch linguist who tries to understand the language of the newly arrived aliens. In fact, they use two languages instead of one. What to do? Come in peace, or not? Others in the cast include Jeremy Renner and Forest Whitaker. “Arrival” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Billy Lynn’s Long Halfway Walk—Despite the unusual title, this movie is about a soldier, who is honored as a war hero, but has second thoughts about it. He is played by newcomer Joe Alwyn. The film is directed by Ang Lee and features a new type of camera work that speeds up the frames. Based on the book by Ben Fountain. Also in the cast are Kristen Stewart and Vin Diesel. “Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk” is rated R. No rating.

Elle—Eisabelle Huppert is the victim of a sexual assault. She is an executive and will not be quiet, but plots revenge against the attacker.  This is a Paul Verhoeven movie. “Elle” is rated R. No rating.

Shut In—What to do during a blizzard? Other than shovel, you can have a situation as in this film with a psychologist (Naomi Watts) and a young boy (Jacob Tremblay) shut in during a winter storm. Can be spooky. “Shut In” is rated PG 13. No rating.

USS: Indianapolis: Men Of Courage—Based on a true incident in the sea in the Philippines Islands, the USS Indianapolis was sunk and the men were clinging to whatever they could to survive, and this in shark-infested waters (think of Robert Shaw in “Jaws” telling about this). Harrowing event. This ship was in this area delivering the weapons that would end WWII. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore, Thomas Jane, Matt Lanter, Emily Tennant and Emily Marie Palmer.

NOVEMBER 18, 2016…

The Edge Of Seventeen stars Hailee Steinfeld who objects to her brother dating.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is from the book by J. K. Rowling and stars Eddie Redmayne as the man capturing lost creatures.

Nocturnal Animals are not lost creatures, but in a book meant to scare one person. Stars Amy Adams.

The Disappointments Room concerns a haunted southern mansion. Stars Kate Beckingsale.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.