November 14, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Now, today’s leaf raking tip: For best results and safer raking, never bother trying to rake your leaves until after they fall from the tree.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM

(None on the weekends.)

“Here lies the bones of my old horse General who served his master faithfully, for twenty-one years, and never made a blunder, would that his master could say the same!” – John Tyler (epitaph on the gravestone of his horse)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. –Romans 15:2

1 Peter 1:23 = For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.

It is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. — 1 Peter 2:15-16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But the LORD is the true God; he is the living God, the eternal King… — Jeremiah 10:10

Thought: There is only one true God. All others are false, mere pretenders to the throne of the Righteous One. Yet like the Athenians in Acts 17, our world continues to place idol after idol in the place that should be reserved for God alone. But, we can be different! We can live as radiant examples of the God of justice, righteousness, mercy, and grace. We can reflect his holiness, share his hope for the lost, and truly make a huge difference in our world.

Prayer: Most High God, my Abba Father, thank you so much for the incredible gift of your grace and the sense of redemptive purpose you have placed within my life. I know that you can use me to do your work in your world and to your glory. Please do! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Acts 11:14 NIV = He will bring you a message through which you and all your household will be saved.’

TODAY IS TUESDAY – NOVEMBER 14, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
40 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL YOUNG READERS DAY. ***I’m waiting for next in the series of the Dick and Jane books. I can hardly wait to see what happens next!

Today is NATIONAL TEDDY BEAR. ***To celebrate, I’m planning on handing over all of the controls for the rest of the show to my teddy bear. It should be entertaining!

Today is LOOSEN UP, LIGHTEN UP DAY, a time to remind everyone of the benefits of joy and laughter. ***A lesson already learned by those who aren’t ashamed to admit they have a teddy bear.

Today is LEFTOVERS TRADING DAY, a day to swap everything in your refrigerator to a friend for everything in their refrigerator. ***Then again, some of my leftovers are old enough to walk themselves over to my neighbor’s house and just take whatever they want! Actually, I think this day lands on the wrong place on the calendar. This should come about a week after Thanksgiving when everybody is sick of eating the same leftovers for eight days straight.  Trade leftovers with a friend, and that way you can be sick of THEIR leftovers instead!

TODAY IS ALSO…

International Girls Day
International Selfie Day (Diabetes Foundation)
Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day
National American Teddy Bear Day
National Spicy Guacamole Day
National Pickle Day
National Young Reader’s Day
Operating Room Nurse Day
Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day
World Diabetes Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15

America Recycles Day
George Spelvin Day or More Than One Role Day
GIS Day (Geographic Information Systems)
I Love to Write Day
National Bundt (Pan) Day
National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
National Educational Support Professionals Day
National Philanthropy Day
Rock Your Mocs Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16

International Day for Tolerance
National Button Day
Beaujolais Nouveau Day
Great American Smokeout
Teddy Bear Day (Historic)
Use Less Stuff Day
World Pancreatic Cancer Day
World Philosophy Day

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 17

Homemade Bread Day
National Unfriend Day
Petroleum Day
Substitute Educators Day
World Prematurity Awareness Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 18

European Antibiotic Awareness Day
Family Volunteer Day
Guinness World Record Day
International Games Day (Libraries)
Married To A Scorpio Support Day
Mickey Mouse Day
National Adoption Day
National Apple Cider Day
National Princess Day
Playmobil’s National Day of Play
National Survivors of Suicide Day
Push-button Phone Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 19

American Made Matters Day
Crystal Skull World Day
Do Dah Day (Pasadena)
Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day)
Have A Bad Day Day
International Men’s Day
Mother Goose Day
Rabi’I
Rocky and Bullwinkle Day
Women’s Entrepreneurship Day
World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims
World Philosophy Day
World Toilet Day

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20

African Industrialization Day
Globally Organized Hug A Runner Day aka G.O.H.A.R.D.
Name Your PC Day
National Peanut Butter Fudge Day
Transgender Day of Remembrance
Universal Children’s Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21

Alascattalo Day (About Alaska & humor)
National Entrepreneurship Day
World Hello Day
World Television Day

ON THIS DAY

1832: Charles Carroll, the last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence, died at age 95. ***The British had said, “Sign that document and die!” and eventually, he did. See, it was cursed. Everyone who signed it, is dead.

1832: The very first horse-drawn trolley cars appeared in New York City. ***Who knew horses could draw?

1939: Les Hall of Rochester, Victoria, put his Australian cattle dog Bluey to sleep. Bluey was 29 years 5 months old, history’s oldest dog.

1990: Robert Mouawad paid $12.76-million for an 11-sided, 102-carat pear-shaped diamond in Geneva, Switzerland, highest price ever for a diamond (Guinness).

1992: Danville, Virgina, inventor David Bivens introduced his automatic people wash, a device with large spinning brushes similar to those he invented decades earlier to wash cars and trucks. ***It worked well, so long as you didn’t mind a couple of cracked ribs.

1995: A survey reported in George magazine indicated 75% of Americans believed the U.S. government was involved in conspiracies; 50% believed there was life on other planets; 70% believed in angels; and 10% believed Elvis was still alive. ***Boy – that last one sure puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it?

1995: Crayola announced it was replacing its food-scented crayons with new scents parents could be sure their children wouldn’t want to eat. Responding to parental complaints, Crayola replaced such scents as Chocolate, Bubble Gum, and Cherry with Dirt, Shampoo, and Cedar Chest. ***Bringing joy to an abrupt halt for my favorite part of the work day – lunch.

2003: A Beijing woman fed up with her husband’s body odor went to court and made him sign an agreement to take a bath every day. Breaching the agreement three times meant he would be forced to live somewhere else for a month.

2005: Private donations to victims of Hurricane Katrina were reported to be near the $2.7 billion mark in 11 weeks, close to the record $2.8 billion given to Sept. 11, 2001, charities.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1558: Dutch Anabaptist reformer Menno Simons wrote in a letter: ‘We ought not to dread death so. It is but to cease from sin and to enter into a better life.’

1739: English revivalist George Whitefield wrote in his journal: ‘We can preach the Gospel of Christ no further than we have experienced the power of it in our own hearts.’

1741: In Wales, English revivalist George Whitefield, 27, married widow Elizabeth Burnell, 36. (Whitefield apparently did not allow marriage to interrupt his evangelistic activities, since he was not home when their first child was born.)

1784: Samuel Seabury, 55, was consecrated Bishop of Connecticut and Rhode Island, the first bishop of the American Protestant Episcopal Church, and the first Anglican bishop in America.

1941: Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship was incorporated in Chicago. An interdenominational organization with chapters at both colleges and schools of nursing, IVCF provides Christian fellowship, nurture and discipleship among Christian college-age students.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • actress (Quigley Down Under, “Just Shoot Me”) Laura San Giacomo 56

  • actor (Michael Whitman on “Life As We Know It”, Mike Pinnochio on “Harsh Realm”, Fire in the Sky, Memphis Belle, Dish Boggett on “Lonesome Dove” the mini-series) D.B. Sweeney 56

  • Former U.S. Secretary of State (under George W. Bush) Condoleezza Rice 63

  • Prince Charles is 69

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1805 : Fanny Mendelssohn Hensel

1900 : Aaron Copland

1915 : Martha Tilton

1920 : Johnny Desmond

1938 : Cornelius Gunter (The Coasters)

1940 : Freddie Garrity (Freddie & the Dreamers)

1944 : Scherrie Payne (The Supremes)

1947 : Buckwheat Zydeco

1948 : James Young (Styx)

1951 : Steven Bishop

1953 : Frankie Banali (Quiet Riot)

1955 : Alec John Such (Bon Jovi)

1964 : Joseph Simmons (aka Run of Run-DMC)

1968 : Brian Yale (Matchbox Twenty)

1975 : Travis Barker (Blink-182)

1975 : Adina Howard

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

WHY NAME A SEARCH ENGINE “YAHOO?”
The name of the Internet directory “Yahoo” is an acronym. According to the company, the name “Yahoo” stands for “Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle.”

Personally, I think I’ll stick with the name ‘Yahoo!’  I don’t know what a ‘hierarchical officious oracle’ is.  In fact, I don’t think I want to know!

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A man had first degree burns to his face and singed his eyebrows and hair during a fire in in Port Huron, Michigan. The homeowner apparently smelled natural gas and went to look for a source. He used a match to find the leak. The gas ignited and the man got a little singed. ***It was the worst gas explosion he had experienced since the night before when he visited Taco Bell.

An unmanned rocket successfully lifted off from Virginia Sunday morning, taking with it 7,400 pounds of supplies to the International Space Station… including frozen fruit bars, ice cream bars, ice cream sandwiches and cups of chocolate and vanilla ice cream.  ***Had I known that would be the daily lunch menu, I would’ve paid more attention in science and math so I could apply to NASA.

Pope Francis is calling it a “very ugly thing.” He’s talking about people using cell phones during Mass. The Pope added, “Please! Mass is not a show!” ***Obviously great news for those who are fans of Saint Samsung.

The term “Polar Vortex” is making a comeback.  ***That’s a seasonal menu item at Dairy Queen… right?

A new report says that voice-enabled speakers will be in 55% of American households by 2020.  ***I’ve been thinking about getting Alexa for my house – at least that way ONE woman at home would be listening to me.

Britney Spears is painting again. You laugh, but she sold her last work for $10,000.  ***Miley Cyrus considered doing the same thing, but she has yet to figure out how to paint using her tongue without gagging on the taste.

Caitlyn Jenner says she hasn’t spoken to Kim Kardashian in over a year.  ***I can’t decide who the bigger winner is here.

The NAACP in California is pushing to get rid of the National Anthem.  ***If you’re going to try and change or ban things that you feel are offensive, how about changing the name of your organization so it doesn’t use the words “colored people”?  That’s what the CP of NAACP stands for.  Mightn’t you start there?

The Department of Justice is demanding that CNN be sold as a condition of the AT&T Time Warner merger.  ***With it being fake news, maybe the folks at Weekly World News would like to pick it up.

Lonzo Ball passed LeBron James over the weekend to become the youngest player in NBA history to record a triple-double.  ***Honestly, I don’t follow basketball and I have no idea what a triple-double is, but that’d be an awesome name for a new Wendy’s cheeseburger.

A New Jersey Santa Claus has been arrested after police allegedly found a crack pipe and other drug paraphernalia in his car during a traffic stop. ***Not to worry though, kids.  The police say it’s not the real Santa.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Texting may take your breath away. Scientists in Korea found that people who used their phones for more than four hours a day had 31 percent lower levels of “peak expiratory flow,” a measure of lung function, than those who kept their daily usage under four hours. You tend to round your shoulders and drop your head when using your phone. Result: You breathe less deeply. ***You’re literally being choked by technology.  That’s a pleasant thought.

You don’t think you’re hooked on Facebook — but all those sneaky workday News Feed peeks add up. According to numbers from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, they really, really do. It was revealed by the company that the average user spends 46 minutes per day on Facebook.  *** 46 minutes per day on Facebook?  I hit that mark before finishing my morning coffee.

According to a recent poll, 38% of dog owners love their pets more than they love their partner. The survey of dog owners finds “they are companions who provide emotional support and joy in our lives.”  ***And have no idea how to log on to Tinder.

When you order decaffeinated coffee, you’re coffee apparently isn’t entirely decaffeinated. A University of Florida study shows almost all decaf coffee contains some caffeine. This could be big for people told to avoid caffeine because of certain medical conditions such as high blood pressure, kidney disease or anxiety disorders. Researchers say that if someone drinks five to 10 cups of decaffeinated coffee a day, it could equal a cup or two of caffeinated coffee. The thing to remember is that decaffeinated coffee is not the same as caffeine-free coffee.  ***Caffeine-free coffee… the idea that something like that even exists is disturbing to me.  Does anyone actually drink caffeine-free coffee?  What’s the point of that?   That’s like whipped potatoes made with skim milk.  It’s pointless.  It’s like driving a sports car with an automatic transmission.

If you’re dieting and exercising and still can’t get rid of that doughnut around your mid-section, this could be the answer. A recent article says stress, and it’s affect on the adrenal glands, could be impacting your body’s ability to burn fat. They say one of the first steps in overcoming the problem is reducing your stress through getting enough sleep, avoiding caffeine, and exercising.  ***But… I’m addicted to coffee; if I give up caffeine, won’t I be that much more stressed?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, all of the jungle animals, thanks to Millard the Monkey, had discovered a new and dangerous hobby called “clunking” – which really is just dropping a coconut on your head. Over and over again. Sully the Aardvark, however, thought clunking was a dumb thing to do. He didn’t want anything to do with it… but he may not have a choice now that his nephew is in town!

CLOSE: What is Sully going to do? Tune in again next time, As FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
A letter from a hospital to a patient is actually a Moment of Duh!

University Hospitals Coventry recently sent Ronald Cooksey a letter, informing him that he is a “non-emergency patient” and comforting him with the news that his chances for surviving his surgery are good. “There is a difference between patients like you, who are on our waiting list for elective surgery, and emergency patients who need to have surgery in a hurry because their condition has become unstable or life-threatening,” the letter explained. Yes, it is undeniably true that there IS a difference between Ronald Cooksey and other patients. Ronald Cooksey is DEAD… having died from his “non-emergency” heart condition a year earlier. The family is very upset, to say the least.

TOP TEN
TOP TEN THINNEST BOOKS

10. The Amish Phone Directory

9. Mike Tyson’s “How To Speak Professionally”

8. George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names

7. Everything Women Know About Men

6. Everything Men Know About Women

5. Different Ways To Spell Bob

4. America’s Most Popular Lawyers

3. Things I Would Not Do For Attention-By Paris Hilton

2. The Engineer’s Guide To Fashion

1. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Wearing disguises backfires on two would-be robbers.

FILE #1: Two London teen-agers who robbed a store forgot to cut eyeholes in the wool hats they pulled down over their heads. They were recorded by the store’s surveillance camera as they repeatedly bumped into counters and displays, oblivious to the fact that the store’s owner was phoning the police. Then, when they decided to leave, they couldn’t find their way out, so they lifted their hats so they could see, exposing their faces to the camera.

FILE #2: Speaking of clever disguises, it’s usually a good idea to put on your disguise before entering the place you intend to rob. From Elkhorn, Wisconsin comes the story of Gail Fontayne who walked into a convenience store carrying a rifle and a ski mask. She headed for the back of the store where she tried to put the mask on. Needless to say her bumbling attracted some attention, causing her to make a quick change of plans. She claimed that she was carrying a gun because she had just come from skeet shooting and, as for the mask, she was just trying it on. Didn’t work. She’s been charged with attempted robbery.

FILE #3: Out of money and wanting to get home, two young ladies from India reverted to desperate measures to get some cash. The two ladies, aged 18 and 23, entered the manager’s office of the State Bank of India branch in Pune, and attempted to rob the bank with a unique weapon — a TV remote control! The two were quickly overpowered by security guards and were later arrested.

FILE #4: (My favorite Law & Disorder story of all time!) Emma Jensen is a welfare widow in Australia who returned from a doctor’s visit to find her home had been broken into. However, instead of finding stuff missing, she found 23 dollars and a note saying, “Lady, you are worse off than we are. There’s nothing here worth stealing. Here’s all the money we have. Buy yourself something to eat.” The note was signed, “The burglars.”

STRANGE LAW: In Chico, California detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Now, you can add a new use for duct tape to your list.

An airline crew used duct tape to restrain a passenger they say was drunk and violent. Maria Esther Castillo of New York State is charged with resisting arrest and interfering with operations aboard a United Airlines plane. Authorities charge Castillo hit a member of the crew and pulled a blind passenger’s hair. Officials say when Castillo slipped out of ankle cuffs, crew members and passengers used duct tape to keep her in her seat. The disruption also forced the pilot to make an unscheduled landing in North Carolina, en route from Puerto Rico to Chicago.

PHONER PHUN

What was your favorite children’s book growing up? “Green Eggs & Ham” by Dr. Seuss? The “Nancy Drew” or “Hardy Boys” mysteries? “The Chronicles of Narnia?”

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said, “Choose ye this day whom ye will serve … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”?
ANSWER: Joshua, in his farewell address to his people.

(But if you are unwilling to serve the Lord, then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.” –Joshua 24:15) 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In 1960, an estimated 4,000 people were over 100 years old in the U.S. What was the estimated number in 1995?

ANSWER: 55,000

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There are approximately 45 billion fat cells in an average adult. (True. ***No wonder I feel bloated!)

2. All the moons of the Solar System are named after Greek and Roman mythology. (False – the moons of Uranus are named after Shakespearean characters.)

3. Bad hair days are a cause of low self-esteem. (True. According to a recent Yale University study, on those days when the hair just wouldn’t cooperate, people felt less smart, less capable, more embarrassed and less sociable. What was surprising to the researchers was that men, not women, were most likely to be affected by bad hair days.)

4. Rockets were invented in Russia. (False, they were invented in China.)

5. The largest reflecting telescope in the world is over 296 feet in diameter. (False – the Keck telescope has a diamter of 396 inches, that’s 33 feet.)

6. There are 106 known elements. (False – there are 108.)

7. The opossum is the only marsupial native to North America. (True.)

8. In measurement terms, a gill equals 4 ounces. (True – 4 ounces or 1/2 cup)

9. The world’s tallest waterfall is Niagra Falls. (False – it’s Angel Falls in Venezuela, at 3,212 feet high)

10. Vanilla is a member of the orchid family. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GEORGIA MOM TURNS _______ (BRITISH)

SNELLVILLE, GA. – A Geogia mom went to the hospital for a stroke and came home with a British accent and bad teeth.

Ryn Scarabin grew up in Metter, and could speak “Southern” all her life. That changed in February when Ryn started experiencing stroke-like symptoms. Suddenly she was sounding like Princess Di.

“Of course, people don’t believe me when I say, ‘I’m from Georgia,’ or, ‘I’m a Georgia girl, just like everybody else,’” said Scarabin.

Because the Snellville mother of two sure doesn’t sound like it.

“I hear people say Britain. I hear people say Australia. I hear people say South Africa,” she said, adding that she’s never visited any of those countries.

Her Georgia twang disappeared in February after Ryn was rushed to the ER with stroke symptoms.

“The first couple of days no matter how complex the word was, she could only get one syllable,” said Karl Scarabin, Ryn’s husband.

“By the end of the week, it was getting better, but my words were quite choppy and I was taking on what some told me was almost like an Asian accent,” Ryan said.

Then things got stranger after a week in the hospital. Karl said his wife suddenly had a British accent.

“Some sort of misfiring occurred in my brain, because, of course, my speech is totally altered. It’s suspected I had maybe a small stroke,” Ryn Scarbin said.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, “That’s a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!”

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn’t see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, “Those shoes are stylin’, my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!”

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, “That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!”

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, “Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look – what’s up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??”

“Oh,” the waiter nonchalantly replies. “It’s just the peanuts.”

“The PEANUTS?!?” the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

“Yes,” replies the waiter, “They’re complimentary.”

JOKE #2

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.  The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!”

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this was a bus stop.”

JOKE #3

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”
The pigmy said, “Yes.”

The hunter asked, “How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?”

“I killed it with my club.”

The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”

The pigmy replied, “There’s about 60 of us.”

USELESS FACTS

Déja Vu occurs when your brain applies a memory of a similar situation to your current situation, making you think it has happened already.  ***And then there’s the feeling of Vu jaDe’, which is the sensation of nothing every happening to you before.

According to Census figures, there’s over 50,000 Americans right now who are 100 years old. ***When asked the secret to a long life, 73% of them answered, “Breathing.”

FEATURED FUNNIES

WILD GAME

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.

I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, “Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Could our pain at the pump soon come to an end?

A Canadian man named Joe Williams has invented a device he calls a Hydrogen Generating Module, or H2N-Gen for short. It’s smaller than a DVD player and he claims that it can increase your car’s gas mileage by 10 to 40 percent and cut pollutants by 100 percent. The H2N-Gen contains a small reservoir of distilled water and other chemicals such as potassium hydroxide. A current is run from the car battery through the liquid, which creates hydrogen and oxygen gases that are then fed into the engine’s intake manifold where they mix with the gasoline vapors. You may not know it, but your car’s engine only burns about 35 percent of the fuel. The rest eventually becomes air pollution. By adding hydrogen to the mix, more fuel is burned, meaning better mileage and cleaner air. Williams’ device increases burn efficiency to at least 97 percent. It also means less engine maintenance and oil changes. All you would have to do is refill the unit with distilled water once every 80 hours of engine use. If you think he’s just all talk, an independent lab has verified his results. Williams estimates the units will cost about $750 each and after a couple of last tweaks, they could be on the market in six to 12 months. While they can work with any car, he plans to begin selling them first to fleets, such as mass transit companies. ***MARLAR: At which point the price of distilled water will immediately quadruple.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FLOWER
The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read Beneath the long, straggly branches of an old willow tree. Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown, For the world was intent on dragging me down.
And if that weren’t enough to ruin my day, A young boy out of breath approached me, all tired from play. He stood right before me with his head tilted down And said with great excitement, “Look what I found!”
In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight, With its petals all worn – not enough rain, or too little light. Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play, I faked a small smile and then shifted away.
But instead of retreating he sat next to my side And placed the flower to his nose and declared with surprise, “It sure smells pretty and it’s beautiful, too. That’s why I picked it; here, it’s for you.”
The weed before me was dying or dead. Not vibrant of colors, orange, yellow or red. But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave. So I reached for the flower, and replied, “Just what I need.”
But instead of him placing the flower in my hand, He held it mid-air without reason or plan. It was then that I noticed for the very first time that weed-toting boy could not see: he was blind.
I heard my voice quiver, tears shone like the sun As I thanked him for picking the very best one. “You’re welcome,” he smiled, and then ran off to play, Unaware of the impact he’d had on my day.
I sat there and wondered how he managed to see A self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree. How did he know of my self-indulged plight? Perhaps from his heart, he’d been blessed with true sight.
Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see the problem was not with the world; the problem was me. And for all of those times I myself had been blind, I vowed to see beauty, and appreciate every second that’s mine.
And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose and breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose And smiled as that young boy, another weed in his hand about to change the life of an unsuspecting old man.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Jesus said, “I have come to call not the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5.32)

One of the most revealing lines in literature appears in the opening paragraph of A. A. Milne’s WINNIE-THE-POOH: “Here is Edward Bear coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way…if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it!” If you keep bumping your head coming down the stairs, maybe it is time you stop for a moment and think if there is another way it might be done. Sometimes our so-called weaknesses are simply warning signs to us that we are on the wrong road. Elie Wiesel once noted that according to Jewish tradition, creation did not end with man. It began with him. When He created man, God gave him a secret–and that secret was not how to begin, but how to BEGIN AGAIN. In other words, “it is not given to man to begin; that privilege is God’s alone. But it is given to man to begin again….” Some of us need to begin again. That is what repentance is all about.

LEFTOVERS

NAME GAME

Drivers in Giles County, Tennessee, might start developing a complex about their weight thanks to new license plates.

…Over 300 were given new plates with the prefix “FAT” on them. Ronnie Rose, who was issued plate “FAT 058” for his white Lincoln says he wants a new one because some people think it’s his personalized plate and he is a bit overweight. The state also started using vowels in its license combinations, so in addition to “FAT” others are getting “DUM”, “DUH” and “DUD”.

LIFE… LIVE IT

7 TURKEY MYTHS THAT COULD RUIN YOUR THANKSGIVING (MSN Lifestyle)

MYTH: ALWAYS WASH THE TURKEY THOROUGHLY

Experts say scrubbing down your bird is not only unnecessary, it could actually be harmful. You could splash disease-causing germs around your sink, countertop, utensils, and other food you may be preparing.

MYTH: YOU DON’T HAVE TO THAW A TURKEY COMPLETELY

Actually, a properly thawed turkey is key to making sure the bird is fully cooked

MYTH: A STUFFED TURKEY WON’T COOK THROUGH

Simply check the temperature of both the stuffing and turkey meat before serving. Stuffing should be about 165 degrees

MYTH: BASTING FREQUENTLY KEEPS MEAT MOIST

Basting doesn’t actually flavor the meat that much because most of the liquid runs off the skin and back into the pan.

MYTH: YOU CAN TELL THE BIRD IS DONE BY ITS THIGH TEMPERATURE

Food experts at Gourmet magazine recommended using the four-spot test to check for doneness: prick both thighs, the thickest part of the breast on each side, and each wing.

MYTH: DON’T EAT THE SKIN

Turkey skin is high in fat but it’s the good kind of fat.

MYTH: LEFTOVERS CAN SIT OUT UNTIL THE END OF THE MEAL

Butterball suggests refrigerating leftovers within two hours of eating

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

It is possible to enjoy the holiday feast without having to diet later on. Weight loss expert Dr. Donald Robertson offers the following advice to help keep the pounds off over the holidays.

  • Drink lots and lots of water. He says two or three quarts a day is not too much. It helps to kill hunger pains and keeps your body functioning properly.

  • Don’t go to holiday parties hungry. Always have a bite before going out.

  • Be careful at holiday buffets. Survey the buffet first to see what’s available. Pick the healthy items first, like fresh vegetables.

  • The best beverage is bottled water with lime, but if you must drink, he suggests a wine spritzer (half white wine, half club soda.)

  • Avoid eggnog.

  • White meat turkey is the healthiest meat.

  • Keep in mind that a lot of prepackaged holiday foods are packed with sugar even though they say non-fat on the label. Read packages carefully.

  • When you do indulge, keep moving. Exercise is essential for weight maintenance and it also boosts energy levels. A brisk 20 minute walk three to four times a week can make a real difference.

JUST FOR FUN

TIPS FOR THE CLUELESS

Some Tips for the Clueless (learned the hard way)

  • If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx.
  • If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
  • If you want your refrigerator’s ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn’t make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
  • No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
  • A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
  • When the PC says, “Insert diskette #2,” don’t do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you’re sure you can make them both fit in there.
  • When your PC says “You have mail,” don’t go to the company mailroom and look for a package.
  • The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn’t translate English language web pages into French.
  • If you’re in the armed services and it’s April 1st and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don’t.
  • If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don’t have to specify whether it’s for a Windows or a Macintosh.

FUN LIST

THINGS YOU WON’T READ ON HALLMARK CARDS

FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am,

INSIDE: That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion.

INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.

FRONT: Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:

INSIDE: What the heck was I thinking?

FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.

INSIDE: And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so ugly.

FRONT: When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.

INSIDE: Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WAXING POETIC


The hottest new natural health craze is called “coning.”

What is “coning?”  Well, what you do, is put a hollow wax cone in your ear and set it on fire. (And this is supposed to be good for you?!?) “Ear candling” or “coning” supposedly gets rid of ear wax by creating a vacuum in the ear. Some people think it will be the next big thing in personal hygiene, helping to relieve everything from “itching ears, joint pain and headaches to depression and general tiredness.”  ***MARLAR Or you could bypass the hundreds-of-dollars-procedure and buy a box of QTips.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Do you get the depressed on Sunday when you think about going back to work on Monday?  It’s called the Sunday Night Blues. How you feel on Sunday about going back to work on Monday morning will tell you if it’s time to find a new job. While some of the dread may simply be making that weekly transition from leisure to work, you know it’s something more serious if you’re feeling trapped, hopeless or anxious about returning to the office. The Sunday Night Blues are fairly common with 76 percent of American workers saying they suffer from it, according to a Monster.com survey. But having the blues vs. sobbing your eyes out is something different. Lynn Taylor, a national workplace expert and the author of “Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant: How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job,” told Business Insider that writing about your feelings will add clarity to your situation. “You don’t have to produce an elaborate, perfectly crafted document of pros and cons. It’s sometimes easier, more heartfelt, and effective to jot down your thoughts in a free-form way, as if you were having a conversation. Taylor warns that job anxiety can steal not only your joy, but also compromise your health. “The key thing to remember is that you do have choices. “Your career future is only limited by your imagination.”

We all know the least-liked day of the week is Monday.  It turns out the scariest day of the week is also Monday. Why? Our blood pressure soars on Mondays. The stress of returning to work on Monday morning can trigger a dangerous increase in blood pressure, according to a recent study from Tokyo Women’s Medical University. This may explain why there are more deaths from heart attacks and strokes on Monday morning than any other time of the week. “If somebody already has cardiovascular disease, then it might just tip them over the edge and trigger a heart attack,” Keith Fox of the cardiovascular research unit said. There are 20 percent more heart attacks on Mondays than on any other day. High blood pressure is a major risk factor for heart disease, and the higher it climbs, the greater the force exerted by blood on the walls of the arteries every time the heart beats. Among those who went to work on Monday morning, there was a surge of blood pressure as they got ready for work. Those who could sleep in and not work on Monday did not experience the same increase, which suggests work-related stress is to blame for the increased blood pressure.

It took 69 years, but Shirley Shapiro finally got the accolade she has wanted ever since she was a 21-year-old college student. Shapiro, 90, became an official member of Mu Phi Epsilon fraternity Nov. 2. The ceremony took place in her West Concord home. Shapiro was a music student at Boston University in 1948, and was asked to join the music fraternity. She very much wanted to make it happen, but rejected the offer when she discovered African-Americans were barred from joining the BU chapter. Mark Shapiro is Shirley’s nephew, and said he had no idea until recently of the civil rights stand his aunt took nearly 70 years ago. He reached out to the international president of Mu Phi Epsilon, and the rest is history.
http://www.wcvb.com/article/90-year-old-finally-joins-music-fraternity-69-years-after-she-was-accepted/13447313

Some Montana drivers got Thanksgiving turkeys instead of tickets when they were pulled over by traffic officers. The Billings Gazette reports that officers with the Billings Police Department checked for outstanding warrants Wednesday after pulling over drivers for traffic violations. If they found none, they issued a written warning and a frozen turkey. Businessman Steve Gountanis bought the 20 turkeys and asked the department to distribute them in time for the holiday.
https://apnews.com/b0800d4c1b4045119f6ae5986e9ff7f1

This Thanksgiving, we plan on having two birds on Turkey Day, but only one of them will be cooked. Meet Turkey on the Table: a family-friendly holiday activity that will help you better appreciate and be grateful for all the blessings you have. April George and Kerry Manus, the two moms behind Turkey on the Table, wanted to instill a sense of gratitude in their little ones. So in 2015, they came up with a pretty simple idea: In the days leading up to Thanksgiving, members of the family would write down things they’re thankful for on the turkey’s feathers. Then, on the big day — over real turkey and stuffing — families can remember all the things for which they’re grateful.
http://www.womansworld.com/posts/turkey-on-the-table-146163

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

An Afghanistan vet lost his leg. Now he and his family will get a free, custom-built house. Lance Cpl. James Poggi and his wife had applied for Operation Finally Home, which is a nonprofit that builds custom mortgage-free homes for military veterans and widows. They thought they were arriving to interview with the homebuilders. Instead, the couple was shown the site of their future home and Poggi was honored for his service and sacrifice for our country.
http://www.bnd.com/news/local/article182185236.html

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Anyone with a kid knows cyberbullying is a huge problem among teens – and an alarming new study finds a bizarre trend – that sometimes, kids inflict the bullying on themselves. Researchers surveyed almost 5,600 US students between the ages of 12 and 17, and around 6% reported they had engaged in what researchers are calling “self-cyberbullying” or “digital self-harm.” Children had anonymously posted hurtful content about themselves, or sent themselves hurtful messages so they could then respond. It can happen via texting, email, social media, video games, web forums, and more. The study’s lead author, Sameer Hinduja says, “It’s a new phenomenon, and this is definitely happening.” Boys are more likely to engage in the practice, with 7% reporting they’d done so compared with 5% of girls. Nearly half of the children who’d engaged in digital self-harm gave reasons ranging from wanting attention to a desire to appear victimized so they could justify bullying others. Some reported feeling self-hate, depression, or having suicidal thoughts; others said they were bored or did it in an attempt to make fun of themselves. The biggest risk factor for self-cyberbullying was having been a victim of cyberbullying or in-person bullying from others in the past; other risk factors included identifying as gay, having depression symptoms, having engaged in physical self-harm, having stolen something or seriously hurt someone else physically, and having used illegal drugs. The research was partly inspired by the suicides of an English 14-year-old and a Texas 15-year-old who’d been harassed online; in both cases, officials ultimately found they’d sent themselves harassing messages. (Health Day)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Opinions expressed by (JOCK) are not necessarily those of this station, its management, or the boss’s bossy secretary who tells the boss what to think. –HaLife

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 10, 2017…

Daddy’s Home 2—In the first film, Will Farrell (non-confrontational) and Mark Wahlberg (a fighter) have to share custody of Mark’s son, when Mark’s ex-wife marries. They finally reach a sort of truce. In this second film, their father’s come to visit for the holidays, and the town won’t be the same. You will never guess who the grandfathers are.  Are you ready? Mel Gibson and John Lithgow. “Daddy’s Home 2” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Murder On The Orient Express—Agatha Christie is one of the most famous writers in the world. Her mind works like a computer as she plots mysteries, designs detectives and delves into the psyche of people to form book characters. “Murder On The Orient Express” is one of her famous stories and it stars her French detective, Hercule Poirot (here done by Kenneth Branaugh.) There is a cast of 12 people in this film and a whodunnit. Someone is murdered and when and by whom. All on the famous, exotic and luxurious Orient Express. The best known version is from 1974 , directed by Sidney Lumet and starring Albert Finney, Lauren Bacall, Ingrid Bergman, Sean Connery, John Gielgud and Richard Widmark among many. There was also a made-for-TV version in 2001. In 2017, we have just about everyone in Hollywood who can hold a script–Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench, Willem Defoe and Daisy Ridley to name a few. Get your mind working, who is the killer? “Murder On The Orient Express” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans. Oh, and this film was directed by Kenneth Branaugh, also.

Lady Bird—Actress Greta Gerwig is an actor, writer and now a director in her film of a young girl growing into womanhood. The girl is played by Saoirse Ronan, who wants to drop her small town and go for the big city—New York. Of course, it is a parent’s nightmare. The parents are played by Laurie Metcalf and Tracey Letts. “Lady Bird” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri—An unusual title for a film, but it tells the story (about American justice) of a mother (Frances McDormand) who is trying to find the murderer of her daughter. Frances doesn’t think the local police are doing enough, so she takes matters into her own no-nonsense hands. Billboards? Why not.The script is written and directed by Martin McDonagh. Woody Harrelson is one of the law men who try to find the killer. Be aware that this is an adult film with profanity. “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

NOVEMBER 17, 2017…

Mudbound has two farm families, in the 1940’s, living in Mississippi. Stars singer Mary J. Blige and Rob Morgan.

Justice League is a continuation of the Marvel comic book series, with a secret plot. Ben Affleck stars.

Wonder has Julia Roberts  taking her facially deformed son to school.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.