***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)
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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161115
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Young people have it too easy these days. I had to fight and claw my way to mediocrity.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“I will never leave you or forsake you.” –Hebrews 13:5
young men and women,
old men and children.
Let them praise the name of the Lord,
for his name alone is exalted;
his splendor is above the earth and the heavens.
Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit. — 1 Peter 3:18
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue. — Proverbs 11:12
Thought: Wise folks don’t have to prove their wisdom by disrespecting others and putting them down. Instead, they hold their tongues and let their lives speak what is good, honorable, righteous, and true. In a world of sarcasm and in a culture that is attracted to the person who can put down others with quick and razor-sharp “put downs,” we are called to bring a blessing with our words (Ephesians 4:29).
Prayer: Holy Father, give me wisdom in the way I use my speech. May it be a blessing to others and a source of praise to you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)
Revelation 11:15 NIV = The seventh angel sounded his trumpet, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said: “The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he will reign for ever and ever.”
TODAY IS TUESDAY – NOVEMBER 15, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 39 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL SING IN YOUR CAR DAY.
Today is RECORD YOUR CAT PURRING DAY, so you can play the recording on his birthday after he’s gone. ***Well, that’s morbid.
Today is I LOVE TO WRITE DAY, a great day to write something, a poem, a short story, a letter to the editor. ***Or an obituary for your cat.
Today is AMERICA RECYCLES DAY, and NATIONAL CLEAN OUT YOUR REFRIGERATOR DAY. ***Just as long as they don’t expect me to recycle what’s in my refrigerator – that could be a health hazard.
Today is NATIONAL FAST FOOD DAY. ***Do your part to save the fast food industry today. Did you know that with your small donation of just under $10.00 in the McDonald’s drive-thru, you can feed a hungry disc jockey for an entire air shift? Will you let the hunger go on? Do your part… drive-thru today, and drop off your donation at a radio station near you. One small act of kindness can make a huge difference.
TODAY IS ALSO…
America Recycles Day
George Spelvin Day (More Than One Role Day)
I Love to Write Day
National Bundt Pan Day
National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
National Entrepreneurship Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16
National Educational Support Professionals Day
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17
Homemade Bread Day
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18
GIS Day (Geographic Information Systems)
Married To a Scorpio Day Support Day
National Apple Cider Day
Mickey Mouse Day
Push-Button Phone Day
Substitute Educators Day
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19
Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day)
Family Volunteer Day
Guinness World Record Day
Have a Bad Day Day
Mother Goose Day
National Day of Play
Playmobil’s National Day of Play
Rocky and Bullwinkle Day
World Philosophy Day
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20
African Industrialization Day
Globally Organized Hug a Runner Day (G.O.H.A.R.D.)
Name Your PC Day
National Peanut Butter Fudge Day
Universal Children’s Day
World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21
World Hello Day
World Television Day
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22
ON THIS DAY
1956: The movie Love Me Tender starring Elvis Presley opened in New York.
1965: The Rolling Stones did “Get Off My Cloud” on NBC-TV’s “Hullabaloo.”
1969: Merle Haggard’s “Okie from Muskogee” hit #1 on the country music charts. Merle and his band wrote the song in 20 minutes aboard their tour bus after seeing a roadsign that said, “Muskogee 19 miles.”
1990: Producer Frank Farian admitted that Fabrice Morvan and Rob Pilatus never sang a note on the Milli Vanilli album. The duo eventually returned their Best New Artist Grammy. ***Yet they still sounded better than anything recorded by Miley Cyrus.
1992: Richard Petty drove in the final auto race of his 35-year career.
1995: A truck accident near Muncie, Indiana, spilled onto the highway 22 tons of turkey legs.
2002: A four-ton elephant named Tina cut through the drive-through line at a McDonald’s in Cape Coral, Florida. Tina happily swallowed 10 veggie burgers that she grabbed from workers by sticking her snout through the drive-through window. The stunt was a promotion for a visiting circus. ***Wait a minute, I thought you weren’t allowed to walk-up in the drive-thru!
2003: Mourners at a funeral chapel in Belgium were gathered around the coffin of their loved one when a cell phone started ringing inside the casket. Relatives filed a complaint against the undertaker, charging he could not have prepared their relative’s body properly if he left a phone inside his pocket.
2003: Democrat Kathleen Blanco was elected the first female governor of Louisiana, defeating Republican Bobby Jindal in a runoff vote.
2005: The town council voted in Clark, Texas, north of Dallas-Fort Worth, to change the community’s name to DISH. In return the town would get 56 satellite dishes – one for each home and another for town hall – as EchoStar Communications hooked up every home in DISH to the Dish Network satellite TV system, worth an estimated $4,500 each. The deal would last ten years.
2005: In Amiens, France, Isabelle Dinoire became the first person to undergo a partial face transplant. She had been attacked by a dog earlier in the year.
2007: A Florida woman played her piano into the Guinness World Record book, by tickling the ivories 65 hours straight. Pat Jones of Jacksonville said her audience dwindled during the early mornings. “Between 2 a.m. and 5 a.m.”.she said, “was just awful!” ***Even worse, the only song she knew how to play was “Chopsticks.”
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1626: The original Mayflower “pilgrims” (Separatists), having lived in their American colony for six years, bought out their London investors for 1,800 pounds.
1760: Anglican hymnwriter John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘Our love to Him is the proof and measure of what we know of His love to us.’
1804: Anglican missionary to Persia, Henry Martyn wrote in his journal: ‘Corruption always begins the day, but morning prayer never fails to set my mind in a right frame.’
1839: Scottish clergyman Robert Murray McCheyne wrote in a letter: ‘I know well that when Christ is nearest, Satan also is busiest.’
1957: Patriarch Ignatius Yacoub III officially established the Archdiocese of the Syrian Orthodox Church in the U.S. and Canada. At the same time, Archbishop Mar Athanasius Yeshue Samuel, former Syrian Orthodox metropolitan of Jerusalem, was appointed primate of the new archdiocese, and soon after took up residence in Hackensack, New Jersey.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actor (Assistant D.A. Jack McCoy on “Law & Order”) Sam Waterston 76
actor (“The Mary Tyler Moore Show”, Santa in Elf, “Studio 60”, Up) Ed Asner is 87
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1905 : Mantovani
1928 : C.W. McCall
1929 : Joe Hinton
1932 : Petula Clark
1932 : Clyde McPhatter
1937 : Little Willie John
1941 : Rick Kemp (Steeleye Span)
1945 : Frida (ABBA)
1946 : Janet Lennon (The Lennon Sisters)
1949 : Steve Fossen (Heart)
1952 : Michael Cooper (Con Funk Shun)
1953 : Alexander O’Neal
1954 : Tony Thompson (Chic )
1957 : Joe Leeway (Thompson Twins)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
WHO SENT THE FIRST EMAIL?
Email has been a lifeline of communication for us since the early 90s – but who sent the first email? I’ve got the answer for you – and it was LOT earlier than the 1990s!
Sent by computer engineer Ray Tomlinson in 1971, the email was simply a test message to himself. It was sent from one computer to another computer sitting right beside it in Cambridge, Massachusetts, but it traveled via ARPANET, a network of computers that was the precursor to the Internet. Tomlinson had been fooling around with two programs called SNDMSG and READMAIL, which allowed users to leave messages for one another on the same machine. He applied the idea behind these programs to a third program called CYPNET, which allowed users to send and receive
files between computers. Despite his groundbreaking success with email, Tomlinson is better known for introducing the “@” sign as the locator in email addresses.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Ginny Owens says she gets asked from time to time what she’s been up to over the past few years. In response, Ginny this week recorded a little update. In addition to continuing to sing, Ginny has also spent the past couple of years working on a series of projects that include being a worship leader, and an adjunct professor at Belmont University. She also wrote book and has been part of a video series on life as a blind person. Watch the entire at https://twitter.com/GinnyOwens/status/793576527287816193/video/1
The media organization Merge PR recently asked several of their clients what they are Thankful for. Here is their response:
-Hollyn: “I’m thankful for the opportunity to make music and do life with the people I love.”
-Austin Miller, Drummer 7eventh Time Down: “I’m thankful for the way that God has allowed us and our music to minister to thousands or people all across the country. It’s such a blessing to know that what we do musically can impact people in such a powerful way for the Kingdom.”
-Ellie Holcomb: “This year I am so thankful to witness the friendship that is already developing between my little girl, Emmylou (4) and little boy, Huck (1). Watching them make each other laugh and have empathy and compassion for one another gives me a full heart! Over the past year, we have walked through a lot of heartache with those in our community, but through that, we have seen God show up in the darkness and draw us all in, close to Him and each other. I am so thankful for this gift.”
-Jodi King, Love & The Outcome: “Chris and I are definitely most grateful for our first Thanksgiving with our baby boy Milo. Everything is just so much sweeter with him in our life!”
-Zach Williams: “I am most thankful for where God has put me. He brought me out of the deepest darkest days of my past. He has allowed me to live through some things I’ve done that I’m definitely not proud of, and He has given me a platform to share my struggles with others and to glorify His name. Being able to be a part of ‘Chain Breaker’ has been the highlight of the year!”
Mandisa says Psalms 34:4-5 is literally life for her right now. She posted: For someone who recently came out of a pit, and battles with shame on a daily basis, these scriptures are LIFE to me!
Matt Maher celebrated his birthday this week while on tour with Casting Crowns. Crowns member Melodee Devivo said they came up with a special cake for Matt on his special. She posted a picture of the lettuce cake complete with one candle. https://twitter.com/MelloDee/status/796871405224730624/photo/1
Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman decided to give his guitars tattoos Saturday night. He stenciled Hope is the Anthem and Love is the Movement on the various guitars he played during that evening show.
Danny Gokey had to improvise after a technical issue caused probably during an acoustic set at a private event he was performing at. Danny posted: we had to improvise, and this is what we came up with. If you grew up in the Spanish Church you’ll most likely know this song. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMw5lJDBhKn/
Natalie Grant has been functioning with a ruptured disc in her neck for a year and says sometimes the most debilitating pain comes from the simplest thing. This morning her neck went out as she was getting ready for church and pulling on a pair of jeans. Natalie posted a picture from her traction machine and said at least she has the cutest little nurse helping her out. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMw-ppFhd89/
Natalie Grant says Saturday was a good day. She posted over the weekend: I love today.
1. I’m home.
2. Christmas trees are up and decorated. When you tour all of December, you put everything up ASAP so you can enjoy it.
3. I’m wearing Uggs because it’s FINALLY Ugg weather.
4. The UW Huskies football game is on which makes this Seattle girl so happy
After struggling all weekend with not much more than a croak, Ben Calhoun this weekend was not able sing through a show for the first time in his entire life. Instead, the JJ Weeks band sang with Citizenway while Ben, the the bands words, played guitar and smiled. They added: Ben is still laughing through it all but he’s actually in a bit of pain and your prayers are welcome.
After all that has happened in this past election and how divide our country may seem, Danny Gokey posted on facebook over weekend: I thought it’d be fitting to share this song that’ll be on my new Album coming out this January. I’m so tired of hearing about riots, killings and frankly I’m tired of seeing so many point the finger and shift the blame. I’m not gonna wait for the president or government to create a better world. I will start with myself. I’ll take responsibility for my own happiness by loving my enemy and showing honor to others even if it’s not reciprocated. http://ow.ly/KI6G3069gx9
Jason Roy recently paused his show to share his thoughts on last weeks election. Following the show The front man for Building 429 sat down in front of the camera to also share his thoughts online, asking the questions: what is the correct response, as a Christian, to the election of Donald Trump. Jason said our response should be to pray for our President and remember that God raises up leaders and his in control. Watch the entire video at https://www.facebook.com/building429/videos/10153866349752307/
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email firstname.lastname@example.org for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
The NFL is looking at ways to stop their ratings decline, including options like fewer commercials shortening the game times. ***How about requiring all of the players to stand during the national anthem? That might be a good start.
Vegas has declared favorites for the next Super Bowl. The number one pick is New England, followed by Dallas and then Seattle. ***For the giant payoff, I’m placing all my money on the Cleveland Browns.
They say Chelsea Clinton is being groomed to run for Congress. And I’ve heard more than one person say, “Michelle Obama in 2020.” ***I would say it could never happen – but I said that two years ago and look what happened anyway.
An Illinois woman born in 1908 had died, just one week after her beloved Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Mabel Ball, born the same year the Cubs had previously won the World Series, died in the Chicago suburb of Northbrook. Says her 75-year-old son, Rich Ball: “The cruel irony, the almost unbelievable irony, is that the person who waits and waits and waits, after it happens, says, ‘I’ve done what I’ve got to do, and I’m out of here.’” ***The clencher though was when she saw Trump became President-Elect and figured there was no better time to call it quits.
A 27-year-old woman is on track to become the youngest person to ever visit every country in the world. ***Her hope is to finish up before January so she’ll know where to move to once Trump enters the White House.
There’s talk of Miley Cyrus quitting “The Voice” mid-season. ***Probably because it’s hard to be on a show filming in Los Angeles when you’ve moved to Canada.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
According to a study by the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation, more than a third of US high school students think the First Amendment goes “too far” in granting free speech rights, and only half think newspapers should be allowed to publish stories without government approval. Only 83 percent think people should be allowed to express unpopular views. A Foundation spokesman called the trend disturbing and dangerous. ***Free speech goes too far? Fine – I guess we can tell these kids to shut up then, can’t we?
A study led by Dr. Chenchen Wang at Tufts University School of Medicine in Boston involved 66 fibromyalgia patients assigned to try either tai chi or wellness education and stretching exercises twice a week for 12 weeks. It turns out that tai chi eased painful joints and other symptoms of fibromyalgia in a small but well-done study of this ancient Chinese form of exercise. According to practitioners of tai chi (ty-CHEE’), it can improve muscle strength, balance, sleep, coordination and, some evidence suggests, fibromyalgia. ***Oh, wait… I’m sorry. This story is about tai chi. I’m sorry, I thought they were talking about chai tea… which I personally find very tasty.
American children are getting fatter at an alarming rate. The percentage of overweight black and Hispanic youngsters has more than doubled over the last decade and a half while the percentage of overweight white youths has climbed by fifty percent. ***Although today’s kids have been found to have thumb muscles twice as strong as in generations past.
According to a study in Psychosomatic Medicine, women who stay silent during spats with spouses may increase their risk of mortality. Researchers surveyed 3,682 people over 10 years and found that women who stayed silent during arguments had four times the risk of dying from any cause. ***Where did they find a woman who would stay silent during an argument with her husband?
WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Handcuff a One-Armed Man”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Rich Praytor, “Fat Dad Spankings”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita was tossed into jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. When Gruffy stepped up and said that he gave her the racquet, he was tossed in jail too! All of this because Racquet the Skunk was making defective racquets to try and get rich!
CLOSE: So now everybody is in jail, Rita can’t play badminton, and the tournament is over because the officials are too busy locking people up to officiate the games! And now they’re planning a prison break?!? How much worse can this story get? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 19/20
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were determined to find out what kind of creature was making giant footprints in the jungle… but then they decided not to because they were scared. But then they got brave and moved forward… and then they got scared again. And now…
CLOSE: Finally… now we’re making some progress! What will the jungle animals find when they get back to the giant footprints? Will Millard become monster food, or will this all turn out to be a giant joke? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
We’ve found perhaps the dumbest scientist in the world.
…That would be Beine Karzhaubaeva from Kazakhstan who held a press conference and announced he has cured AIDS by injecting people with perfume! And he added, “It has to be an expensive perfume.” Of course doctors everywhere have condemned the treatment including Dr. Kozhahmet Mahirov, the head of Kazakhstan’s Center Against AIDS who said, “It is illegal. Injecting perfume in the blood could harm not only HIV patients, but also any healthy person.” Just in case you’re not perfectly clear on this — perfume DOES NOT cure AIDS and injecting it into your body is not only dangerous — it is potentially fatal. Don’t do it!
TOP TEN “ARE YOU A CAFFEINE ADDICT” QUESTIONS
10. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
9. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it’s easier?
8. Have you ever drank someone coffee when they weren’t looking?
7. Do you find that it’s easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
6. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee? b) Right out of the pot?
5. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
4. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
3. Has anyone ever told you that you “have a problem”?
2. Do you need coffee: a) …to get up in the morning? b) …to get out of bed? c) …to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
1. Do you own a “Coffee Helmet”? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Police nab a man who likes to break into cars… but they caught him in a very unusual way!
FILE #1: Nathaniel Lucas had been breaking into cars recently at the county ballpark, hitting at least four cars in the previous week. So Blair County police decided to send a police surveillance crew to the parking lot to keep an eye on things. This is not a small parking lot and out of all the cars in the lot, which one would Nathan choose to try to break into? The one with two police officers inside, of course. He’s been arrested.
FILE #2: You can’t be too careful, especially when you’re ripping off a home. Police in Beaufort, South Carolina, report a man who broke into a house was wearing two disguises. The suspect got away with a woman’s purse and some other things. He was chased by the victim’s son, who tore a white sheet off the bandit’s head. But the Beaufort Gazette reports the bad guy was wearing a “Scream” mask under the sheet. Beaufort Police Major Matt Clancy says the whole thing is “definitively unusual.”
FILE #3: A gang of armed robbers left a Belgian bowling hall empty-handed after they were ignored by both staff and customers. The three masked men showed their rifles and loudly demanded money from the till. But the bowling hall was packed with around 100 people and everybody ignored them. One bowling alley employee said, “We were so busy, we had really no time to find out what they wanted. It was only after they left and one visitor asked us why they were wearing weapons, we realized they were robbers.”
STRANGE LAW: All lollipops are banned in Washington state.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Looks like we have a new meaning to the term “hot pants”!
LaFayette Georgia’s Daniel Gabriel Doyle recently brought new meaning to the term. When three social workers came to visit, Doyle had been busy mixing red phosphorus and iodine to make methamphetamines. He quickly poured the chemicals in a film canister and stuck it in his pocket. As Doyle sat in the social workers’ car filling out paperwork, the reaction of the two chemicals heated up to about 278 degrees Fahrenheit. At that point there was a loud bang – and fire shot from his pocket. The fire damaged the inside of the vehicle and burned clothing on the case workers. No word on what damage it did to Doyle.
How old is the oldest food in your refrigerator?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who was crucified on both sides of Jesus?
ANSWER: Two robbers. (Matthew 27:38)
QUESTION: How many days did each month have in the Babylonian calendar?
QUESTION: How many times per minute does a blue whale’s heart beat?
ANSWER: Nine times per minute.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The Great Pyramid of Giza contains well over 2 million blocks of stone. (True – some weighing as much as 15 tons.)
2. Gray whales migrate 12,000 miles each year. (True – farther than any other mammal.)
3. Luke’s uncle is the first character to speak in Star Wars. (False – it’s C3PO)
4. Captain Jean-Luc Picard from “Star Trek: The Next Generation” had a fish named Kirk. (False – it’s name was Livingston.)
5. Donald Duck lives at 1313 Webfoot Walk, Duckburg. (True – according to Disney, that is. Duckburg, Calisota to be precise.)
6. Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy. (True)
7. Elvis Presley made his first appearance on national television in 1956. He sang “Blue Suede Shoes” and “Love Me Tender” on “The Dorsey Brothers Show.” (False – he sang “Blue Suede Shoes” and “Heartbreak Hotel.”)
8. “Happy Birthday” was the first song to be performed in outer space. (True – sung by the Apollo IX astronauts on March 8, 1969.)
9. In 1915, the average annual family income in the United States was only $687 a year. (True)
10. In 1977, less than 9 percent of physicians in the U.S. were women. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
CANADIAN ________ MONSTER SPOTTED (LOCH NESS)
LAKE OKANAGA, BC – There was a major sighting of Canada’s version of the Loch Ness Monster in British Columbia!
Hundreds of visitors to British Colombia’s Lake Okanagan saw the elusive sea monster, known to locals as Ogopogo. One man took a 30-second video (below) showing two long ripples in the water in a deserted area of the lake.
“It was not going with the waves,” Richard Huls, who captured the scene on camera during a visit to a local winery. “It was not a wave, obviously, just a darker color. The size and the fact that they were not parallel with the waves made me think it had to be something else.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
The policeman demanded, “How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?”
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. “Aw, come now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”
“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then what happened to my boat and trailer?”
Bill was taking a flight to New York. He boards the plane, finds his seat and settles in, but does not fasten his seatbelt.
The flight attendant comes down the aisle and see Bill’s unfastened seatbelt and says, “Sir, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff.”
Macho Bill says, “Not necessary to do that, Superman doesn’t need a seatbelt.”
“Superman,” the flight attendant said, “doesn’t need an airplane either.”
An old man called Mount Sinai Hospital. He said, “Hello, I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. But, I don’t want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z!”
“That’s a very unusual request,” said the man at the hospital. “What is the patient’s name and room number?”
The old man said, “Yes, I’d like to know the information about Simon Finkel, in Room 302.’”
“Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber, Finkel. Oh, yes. Mr. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, he’s had two full meals, his blood pressure is fine, his blood work just came back as normal, he’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if he continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send him home Tuesday at twelve o’clock.”
The old man said, “Thank Goodness! That’s wonderful! Oh, thank goodness! His test came back normal, his getting off the heart machine in a couple of hours you say? Oh! that’s fantastic! And he is being released tomorrow at twelve o’clock! I’m so happy to hear that! That’s wonderful news!”
The man on the phone at the hospital said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend?”
He said, “What close family or friend? I’m Simon Finkel in 302! Cohen is my doctor and he doesn’t tell me a cotton-pickin’ thing!”
Researchers say little is known about the origin of laughter and what it is that makes people laugh. ***MARLAR: Hey, don’t ask me – after listening to my show you really think I have the answer to that?
19% of meals in America are consumed in vehicles. ***MARLAR: Which results in 19% of the meal ending up on the floorboard.
WILL SHE SAY YES?
An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.
“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Nobody ever thinks much about Greenland. But people live there. And people commit crimes there. And people go to prison there. But it’s a very different prison system than anywhere else in the world.
…In Greenland, prisoners all have jobs on the outside at market wages and enjoy recreational excursions such as fishing, hunting and shopping trips. They emphasize rehabilitation over punishment and guards are only armed on weekend hunting trips, when the inmates themselves are armed as well. The main advantage of the system seems to be that court sessions are brief, because criminals, not fearing prison, usually confess to everything. On the other hand, Greenland’s rate of returning to the jail after being released isn’t any better than other prisons.
WIT’S END CORNER
Are you standing at “Wits End Corner”,
Christian, with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you,
And all your bearing now?
Does all the world seem against you,
And you in the battle alone?
Remember-at “Wits End Corner,”
Is just where God’s power is shown.
Are you standing at “Wits End Corner”,
Blinded with wearing pain,
Feeling you can not endure it,
You cannot bear the strain,
Bruised through the constant suffering,
Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?
Remember at “Wits End Corner”
Is where Jesus loves to come.
Are you standing at “Wits End Corner”,
Your work before you spread,
All lying begun, unfinished,
And pressing on heart and head,
Longing for strength to do it,
Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember – at “Wits End Corner,
The burden bearer stands.
Are you standing at “Wits End Corner?
Then you’re just in the very spot,
To learn the wondrous resources
Of Him who faileth not:
No doubt to a brighter pathway
Your footsteps will soon be moved,
But only at “Wits End Corner”
Is the “God who is able” proved.
– Antoinette Wilson
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
HEARING GOD’S VOICE
Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him. – (1 Samuel 3:7)
Samuel was born to Hannah, a woman who had a deep commitment to God. She was barren, but she cried out to God for a son. The Lord gave her Samuel, whom she completely gave to the Lord for His service. After weaning him, she took him to the house of the Lord to be reared by the priests. Eli was the priest of Israel, but he was not a godly leader. He had allowed much corruption, including the sins of his sons, in God’s house. God was not pleased with Eli and later judged him and his household.
Samuel grew up in the temple serving God. He also grew up seeing the hypocrisy of Eli’s household, yet this did not change the young man. God was with him. We learn that even though young Samuel had a belief in God, he had not yet experienced a personal relationship with Him. God called to Samuel three times, but Samuel thought it was Eli, the priest, calling him. Finally, Eli told him to say, “Speak Lord, for your servant is listening” (1 Sam. 3:9b). This is what Samuel did, and God began telling Samuel important things to come.
Many of us grow up in religious environments. We go to church every week. We have a head knowledge of God, but we do not recognize God’s voice in our lives. There comes a time when we must recognize God’s voice for ourselves. God does not want us to have a religion; He wants us to have a two-way relationship with Him. Samuel was never the same after this encounter. He would know God’s voice and would respond to Him in obedience.
Do you know God’s voice? Can you recognize it when He speaks? In order to hear God’s voice, you must be clean before Him and listen. Listen to God’s voice today and follow His plans for you.
AND PAID FOR WITH WOODEN NICKELS
Ever heard of an entire air base made of wood? It’s a true tale that’s been told for years.
An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German “airfield,” constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large… wooden bomb.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Researchers have a new theory about why some people may pack on pounds and others may not. Exercise and nutrition aside, could the amount of light in your bedroom be making you fat?
Diane Mapes of MSNBC reports on a fascinating new study from Ohio State University. According to the research, too much light in your bedroom could be to blame for your weight gain. In a study of mice, researchers found that mice who were exposed to light at night (the human equivalent could be a TV on in the distance, a lamp near your bed, or just bright street lights) gained more weight than the rodents who slept in the dark. While both groups of mice ate the same amount of calories in a day, the light-at-night group tended to munch during their restful periods, which led to more weight gain. ***MARLAR: But then, these are mice. Aren’t they always eating?
JUST FOR FUN
NYUK, NYUK, NYUK
A man gets in trouble because of the Three Stooges!
It looks like Gary Saderup has been done in by the Three Stooges. Gary is an artist who recently did a charcoal drawing of the Three Stooges and then reproduced the image on T-shirts and made a killing. Unfortunately, he did not get the permission of the people that own the rights to the Three Stooges – the heirs of Larry, Mo, and Curly. So he was taken to court, and the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the money Mr. Saderup made (about $75,000) has to go to the heirs. He has to pay $150,000 in attorney’s fees and court costs. ***MARLAR: And he’s been sentenced to three pokes to the eyes, a slap to the face, and a 2X4 to the back of the head. (audio clip)
Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
“Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
“Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Jessica Alba had a baby!”
“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
“Darned if you ain’t about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to John Goodman!”
“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
“Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
“I finished the Oreos.”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.
Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
Paedophobia is a fear of children.
Automatonophobia is a fear of ventriloquist’s dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues or anything that falsely represents a sentient being.
Hypnophobiais a morbid fear of sleep and falling asleep.
Lyssophobia is a morbid fear of insanity.
Phobatrivaphobia is a fear of trivia about phobias
Still in Character – Janet Leigh, the actress, has a fear of showers. This is the result of appearing in the film, ‘Psycho’, in which her character met a violent death in the shower.
Dromophobia is a fear of crossing the road
Unatractiphobia is a fear of ugly people.
Arachibutyrophobia is a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Elizabeth I of England suffered from anthophobia, a fear of roses.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
When 7-year-old Ella Tryon was diagnosed with a severe food allergy, the Ohio girl found herself unable to leave her hospital room. According to Today.com, she wanted to color but found that no crayons were available in the hospital play area. That experience is behind the second graders one person crusade. In October Ella delivered more than 13,000 boxes of crayons to her local pediatric hospital, and she has plans to collect thousands more. She started her quest by ask fellow church members and her mom’s Facebook connections to donate crayons and it spread from there. http://on.today.com/2fx3o35
Would your church be interested in having a sister church from another country? According to Mission Network News, SOAR International is helping congregations in Abkhazia looking for sister churches. The small disputed country is just off the Black Sea, and is a disputed territory with the country of Georgia. Because Abkhazia is in an isolated region with few resources, officials say the churches need encouragement. Sister churches in the U.S. are able to provide that encouragement along with financial support, prayer, and just for a connection to other believers. https://goo.gl/ApGfW2
Very few Chicago Cubs fans can say they were alive for the clubs last two World Series victories. According to Yahoo News, Mabel Ball can. Bell was born in 1908, shortly before the Cubs won the World Series. She waited 108 years to see them do it again, passing away just six days after the Cubbies took their most recent title. Bell’s longevity and loyalty to the Cubs had made her something close to a celebrity in her finals days. However, the 108-year-old remained humble to the end. When her 75-year-old son asked her: “What do you think about being a celebrity?” she told him “It’s a lot of nonsense.” https://yhoo.it/2erMEwD
When two vets died with no family to mourn them, strangers made sure they didn’t die alone. Funeral services were held late last week in Corpus Christi, Texas for Army veteran Clifford Ray Dudley and Marine Lance Cpl. Dennis Ray Ashley. However, neither had family or friends to attend their burial so the Coastal Bend State Veterans Cemetery put out a call to the public, seeking people who would attend the funerals, with full military honors, for the two men. An estimated 400 people, all strangers to Dudley and Ashley, showed up to pay tribute. http://cnn.it/2fjfDSk
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
NOVEMBER 11, 2016…
Almost Christmas—Danny Glover, a widower, wants peace and tranquility for the holiday season. How nice to sit and relax and look at the tree instead of arguments and remarks. The family wants to cheer him up, so they come in full force. Too much, too soon and they know where the liquor cabinet is. Ah, what to do? Who can’t relate to this situation? “Almost Christmas” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for the holiday season.
Arrival—This science fiction film stars Amy Adams as a top-notch linguist who tries to understand the language of the newly arrived aliens. In fact, they use two languages instead of one. What to do? Come in peace, or not? Others in the cast include Jeremy Renner and Forest Whitaker. “Arrival” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Billy Lynn’s Long Halfway Walk—Despite the unusual title, this movie is about a soldier, who is honored as a war hero, but has second thoughts about it. He is played by newcomer Joe Alwyn. The film is directed by Ang Lee and features a new type of camera work that speeds up the frames. Based on the book by Ben Fountain. Also in the cast are Kristen Stewart and Vin Diesel. “Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk” is rated R. No rating.
Elle—Eisabelle Huppert is the victim of a sexual assault. She is an executive and will not be quiet, but plots revenge against the attacker. This is a Paul Verhoeven movie. “Elle” is rated R. No rating.
Shut In—What to do during a blizzard? Other than shovel, you can have a situation as in this film with a psychologist (Naomi Watts) and a young boy (Jacob Tremblay) shut in during a winter storm. Can be spooky. “Shut In” is rated PG 13. No rating.
USS: Indianapolis: Men Of Courage—Based on a true incident in the sea in the Philippines Islands, the USS Indianapolis was sunk and the men were clinging to whatever they could to survive, and this in shark-infested waters (think of Robert Shaw in “Jaws” telling about this). Harrowing event. This ship was in this area delivering the weapons that would end WWII. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore, Thomas Jane, Matt Lanter, Emily Tennant and Emily Marie Palmer.
NOVEMBER 18, 2016…
The Edge Of Seventeen stars Hailee Steinfeld who objects to her brother dating.
Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is from the book by J. K. Rowling and stars Eddie Redmayne as the man capturing lost creatures.
Nocturnal Animals are not lost creatures, but in a book meant to scare one person. Stars Amy Adams.
The Disappointments Room concerns a haunted southern mansion. Stars Kate Beckingsale.
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