***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)
AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161116
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Now, (THE JOCK SHOW) courageously presents: “Things to Do With Leaves!”
Stuff them in sandwich bags to make waterproof pillows for squirrels.
When they turn crunchy, try to convince the neighborhood kids they’re colored Tostitos.
Have the kids roll them up in big balls and make a leafman.
Learn to make wonderful, inexpensive gifts out of leaf mache’.
Roll them into funny-looking cigarettes and order the neighborhood kids to leave them alone.
Or go with my plan – simply do nothing, and become the neighborhood’s leading collector of compost.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength.” –Proverbs 24:10
If serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve…. As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. — Joshua 24:15
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. — 2 Corinthians 11:14
Thought: While we wait for God’s great victory for us to be fully realized, we also need to know that we are in a battle. God will win this battle through Jesus Christ. The final outcome is certain. Christ has already won the decisive battle. However, let’s not be fooled; the evil one will do everything he can to deceive all people and confuse the lost. Let’s stick with God’s plan — living his truth, listening for his voice in Scripture, and following the lead of his Spirit.
Prayer: Holy LORD, please give me the ability to discern truth and resist the deception of Satan. Please empower me by your Spirit as I seek to live victoriously for you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)
Acts 11:16 NIV = Then I remembered what the Lord had said: ‘John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.’
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – NOVEMBER 16, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 38 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is FAMOUS SAN DIEGO CHICKEN DAY, a day to honor anyone who ever slugged a purple dinosaur. *** A hero to all of us!
Today is INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR TOLERANCE. ***Except for purple dinosaurs.
TODAY IS ALSO…
National Educational Support Professionals Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17
Homemade Bread Day
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18
GIS Day (Geographic Information Systems)
Married To a Scorpio Day Support Day
National Apple Cider Day
Mickey Mouse Day
Push-Button Phone Day
Substitute Educators Day
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19
Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day)
Family Volunteer Day
Guinness World Record Day
Have a Bad Day Day
Mother Goose Day
National Day of Play
Playmobil’s National Day of Play
Rocky and Bullwinkle Day
World Philosophy Day
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20
African Industrialization Day
Globally Organized Hug a Runner Day (G.O.H.A.R.D.)
Name Your PC Day
National Peanut Butter Fudge Day
Universal Children’s Day
World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21
World Hello Day
World Television Day
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23
Doctor Who Day
International Image Consultant Day
Tie One On Day
National Espresso Day
ON THIS DAY
1907: Oklahoma became the 46th U.S. state.
1955: Tennessee Ernie Ford’s “Sixteen Tons” hit #1 in America only three weeks after its release, becoming history’s fastest-selling record to that time. He owed his soul to the company store.
1955: Singer Johnny Cash entered the country music charts for the first time with “Cry Cry Cry.”
1959: “The Sound of Music” opened on Broadway starring Mary Martin.
1979: A Baden, Pennsylvania, banker was sentenced to three years in prison for misappropriating bank funds and for spanking delinquent customers. ***I think it’s only fair we get to spank all of the bankers we’ve had to bail out – what do you think?
1989: David Letterman beat up the Energizer Bunny with a baseball bat. ***He just kept going, and going, and going…
1991: A Cromwell, Connecticut, construction worker was arrested for reckless endangerment for allegedly driving too close to a police officer with his steamroller. ***And now you know how cops got the name “flatfoot.”
1997: A 17-year-old high school student won a 1984 Chevy Blazer in the Campbell, Missouri, Police Department’s Hands-On Marathon when she was the only one who entered.
1999: Autobahn 33, a major German highway, was closed for several hours after a truck flipped and spilled 16 tons of apples on the highway. Three cars and two trucks crashed as they slid on the smashed apples. No one was killed, but one person was injured. The resulting applesauce was four inches thick.
2005: Anthony Sheppard of Oakland, California, shocked his mother with a telephone call, a day after he was reported dead. Oakland police had messed up after finding Sheppard’s identification card on a shooting victim. Authorities alerted his mother of the shooting, and released the details to reporters. The 23-year-old Sheppard said he was shocked when he walked up to friends who were crying about a newspaper account of his death. Sheppard told police he had lost the I.D. card several years earlier. His mother said she thought she was talking to a ghost.
2005: A secret White House document reportedly confirmed oil company executives had met with White House officials when the Bush administration was fashioning its 2001 energy policy.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1621: The Papal Chancery first adopted January 1st as the beginning of the calendar year. Previously, March was the first month, which explains why our modern names for the 9th-12th months begin instead with prefixes meaning “7” (sept), “8” (oct) “9” (nov) and “10” (dec).
1918: In NY City, the United Lutheran Church was organized by a merger of three general Lutheran bodies in the U.S. and Canada. (In 1962, the ULC became one of the branches of Lutheranism which formed the Lutheran Church in America.)
1946: The Evangelical United Brethren Church was constituted at Johnstown, PA by a merger of the United Brethren in Christ and the Evangelical Church. The new denomination originated in the work of two German Reformed pastors, Philip W. Otterbein and Martin Boehm, who had ministered among Pennsylvania Germans two centuries earlier.
1952: “Our Goodly Heritage” debuted over CBS television. This Sunday morning Bible study program, hosted by William Rush Baer of New York University, aired a little over five years.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (“Guiding Light”, Rose Red) Kimberly J. Brown 31
skater Oksana Baiul 38
actress (The Goonies, Parenthood, Stanley & Iris) Martha Plimpton 45
actress (“The Cosby Show”, Enemy of the State) Lisa Bonet is 48 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1895 : Paul Hindemith
1905 : Albert “Eddie” Condon
1916 : Herb Abramson
1931 : Bob Gibson
1933 : Garnet Mimms
1938 : Troy Seals (James Brown)
1940 : John Ryanes (The Monotones)
1941 : Dan Penn
1943 : Winifred Lovett (The Manhattans)
1948 : Chi Coltrane
1949 : Pattie Santos (It’s A Beautiful Day)
1962 : Mani (The Stone Roses)
1964 : Diana Krall
1969 : Bryan Abrams (Color Me Badd)
1979 : Trevor Penick (O-Town)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
What’s the difference between a blizzard and a whiteout?
Predicting snowstorms is one of the most difficult tasks of the weather forecaster. Over a half billion dollars is spent each year in preparation for snow removal of predicted storms that never materialize. More money is saved, however, in accurate predictions of the amount and timing of snowfall in major metropolitan areas. In Kentucky alone, a state not generally associated with heavy snow, over 140,000 tons of salt was used for snow removal in the winter of 1993-94.
There are various names for the different types of snow storms in the United States. What we may call the storms may be much different than the official name that the U. S. Weather Service gives to them.
By National Weather Service definitions, a blizzard occurs when the wind speeds are 35 mph or more with considerable falling and or blowing snow. The snow will cause poor visibility which of a quarter of a mile or less. The official term of a blizzard does not require that new snow be falling. Sometimes the term blizzard is prefaced with the word ground — “ground blizzard.” The phrase ground blizzard refers to a storm in which all the airborne snow has been re-suspended from that which had previously fallen.
A whiteout is a term used to describe an extreme blizzard condition. During a whiteout, blowing or falling snow reduces visibility to the point where the sky, the air, and the ground become indistinguishable. Everything is white. A whiteout is a dangerous condition. A person caught in such a storm is easily disoriented and quickly becomes lost. Being lost in a whiteout often has dire consequences.
By definition a “heavy snow warning” means that four or more inches of snow will fall in a 12 hour period. The heavy snow warning does not necessarily include cold temperatures or high winds. According to National Weather Service usage, snowfall rate is considered “heavy” when visibility, without fog or blowing snow, is reduced to 5/16th of a mile or less.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Just how good is Casting Crowns merchandise guy? Group member Melodee Devevo says he does a fantastic job. In fact, she says he’s so good that “he makes us want to buy our own merch”.
Kutless guitarist James Mead says: I like walking in the dark. He added: no, this is not a metaphor.
Audio Adrenaline front man Adam Agee has a new definition of irony. He says its having to use my data to check the app to see how much data I have left.
A suggestion from Third Day guitarist Mark Lee: If you go to the doctor and they always make you wait for an hour, why don’t they just make all the appointments an hour later?
Good advice from Mandisa. She posted: When someone randomly pops into your mind, pray for them. God could be speaking to and/or through you!
Think time is flying by? Jonny Diaz would agree. He posted: Some people legally driving cars were born after the year 2000.
A bit of trivia about Third Day frontman Mac Powell. He posted: I could eat this whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos by myself and not think twice about it. Mac added: I also pretty much LOVE fried chicken.
Question of the day from We are Worship USA: If you could lead your favorite worship song every single Sunday of your life, what would it be?
Mark Schultz was going through the studio closet this week and you may see what he found on stage at his next show. He said may be time to bring back the keytar, a combination keyboard and guitar.
Jonny Diaz was pondering some deep thoughts recently. He posted: could it be that seals are just dog mermaids?
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email email@example.com for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Patrons dining at restaurants with soft lighting and mellow music consume on average 175 fewer calories per meal and enjoy it more than those at eateries with bright lights, according to a Cornell University survey. ***So lose weight… eat in the dark!
A person second guesses themselves roughly ten times a day. ***No, wait… eleven.
Turns out cinnamon is better for you than you thought. A new study in Scientific Reports suggests it can lower stomach temperature by up to 3.6 degrees. Eating cinnamon with meals seems to lower carbon dioxide levels in stomachs after meals, making your body cooler. But don’t overdo it. The US Department of Health says eating 6 grams of cinnamon or more a day for six weeks or longer can be toxic. ***So do NOT do the cinnamon challenge… but DO visit Cinnabon!
An undersea explorer says he’s discovered the wreckage of the pirate ship, Whydah Gally (WIH’-duh GAH’-lee), off the Massachusetts coast. 400,000 coins and other riches are believed to be on board. ***No word yet from Johnny Depp on when the story will be adapted to the screen for Pirates Of The Caribbean 6
Lylah MacCall has her sights on becoming an American Ninja Warrior someday. But first, she will have to make it through… kindergarten. The 5-year-old Colorado girl can already be seen impressively breezing through a pint-size obstacle course assembled by her father, Gavin MacCall. The obstacle course is a progression from the one MacCall set up last year inside his home. In his posting of the video showing his new and improved course, MacCall writes that Lylah’s daily excursions to neighborhood playgrounds helped build up her strength. The video has since caught the attention of Matt Iseman, host of the real-life “American Ninja Warrior” program. ***Meanwhile, I get winded just getting out of the recliner to go to the bathroom. http://on.today.com/2cXlxsy
A Kentucky man is accused of shooting an AR-15 into the air near a woman walking a dog because, he claims, he mistook her for a clown. ***Ladies… please… pull back on the amount of makeup!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A Chinese national law requires the offspring of parents older than 60 to visit their parents “frequently”. ***Here in America we don’t need a law for that… we call it “Thanksgiving”.
Ladies, if you’re in the market to get hitched, find a short guy. A study out of NYU found short men marry later, make more money while in the relationship, and divorce less than their taller counterparts. ***Possibly because they can’t see over their spouses’ shoulders to eye other women.
When is a bottle of ketchup not a bottle of ketchup? Evidently, when it’s in the promised land. According to an Israeli newspaper, Heinz Ketchup, arguably the most recognizable brand of ketchup in the world, must be labeled “tomato seasoning” in Israel because it doesn’t contain enough tomato paste to earn the ketchup title. ***And they won’t even discuss allowing Cap’N Crunch’s “Crunchberries” into the country.
Studies show that fuel economy has become the number one concern among American car buyers – but motorists have also been pressing for higher speed limits, which can sharply reduce the mileage a car gets. While that might seem common sense, a new study clearly quantifies the impact of putting the pedal to the metal. And it finds that there are surprisingly few differences between vehicles, whether brick-like SUVs or sleek, wind-cheating sports cars. “People really like rules of thumb, and if you’re increasing your speed from 50 to 60 miles an hour, we find for the largest number of vehicles fuel economy will go down about 12 percent,” said Brian H. West, a researcher at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory, in Knoxville, Tenn., where the study was conducted. Pushing a little faster, you’ll see mileage drop about 14 percent going from 60 to 70 mph, while fuel economy will dip yet another 16 percent if you nudge the speedometer up to 80. ***Of course, this also works in reverse, meaning you get better gas mileage if you slow down to 55 – and if you don’t move your car at all and turn the engine off, you may not have to refill your tank ever again.
WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bank Rates”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Chonda Pierce, “Naked X-Ray”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, was tossed into jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. Then Gruffy was jailed for giving her that racquet. Then Racquet the Skunk was arrested for making the defective racquet, and Sully and Nozzles were arrested just for knowing the jailbirds. Everyone is in jail because of Racquet the Skunk’s greed… and now they’re planning a prison break!
CLOSE: It’s about time Racquet finally admitted his faults and apologized, but all the animals are still in jail… and they’re planning a prison break! Will it work? Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 19/20
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were determined to find out what kind of creature was making giant footprints in the jungle… but then they decided not to because they were scared. But then they got brave and moved forward… and then they got scared again. And now…
CLOSE: Finally… now we’re making some progress! What will the jungle animals find when they get back to the giant footprints? Will Millard become monster food, or will this all turn out to be a giant joke? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Coca-Cola is being sued by a Judge.
A German judge is suing Coca-Cola, accusing them of causing his diabetes because he drank two cans a day – which he says contributed to his getting the disease and because they never put a warning on the can to the effect of, “not for long-term consumption.” He plans a similar lawsuit against the Mars candy company. ***MARLAR: Sounds like the carbonation has gone to his brain.
TOP TEN 10 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR DOCTOR AND YOUR PASTOR
1. The Doctor says, “Please disrobe” and you do it without question. The Pastor preaches that you should dress modestly and he is getting too personal.
2. The Doctor charges outrageous fees and you complain but you come back the next time you are sick. The Pastor preaches that you should pay your tithes and you leave the church.
3. The Doctor checks how much you weigh and you allow him. The Pastor asks how much you pray and it’s none of his business.
4. The Doctor gives you a nasty tasting pill and you take it. The Pastor feeds you the Word and you say no thank you.
5. The Doctor’s office closes at a certain time. The Pastor is to be available, awake and ready 24 hours a day.
6. The Doctor tells you how to change your lifestyle to lower your blood pressure. The Pastor tells you how to change your lifestyle and it raises your blood pressure.
7. The Doctor tells you we need to run more tests, so you make an appointment. The Pastor says we need more Prayer Meetings and Bible Studies and you are too busy.
8. The Doctor says, “There is nothing more we can do”, and you search high and low for one who can help. The Pastor says, “God can help you”, and you give up and say “What’s the use.”
9. The Doctor says, “Try this and see if it works and if it doesn’t we’ll try something else”, so you do. The Pastor gives you the promises of God’s Word and you don’t like to “Walk by faith.”
10. To the Doctor, you are just another customer. To the Pastor, you are a part of the family. He loves you. He prays for you. He helps carry your burdens. He laughs with you and cries with you.
(By Pastor Flosser)
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Police in New Jersey say they know who the car thief is – but it’s more of a “what” than a “who.”
FILE #1: New Jersey Police Officer Dave Dehard found a missing vehicle by the side of the road near Vernon Township. The passenger window had been broken and the door panels were damaged. He also found tons of black bear hair inside which led Officer Dehard to determine a bear had apparently crawled inside the vehicle and somehow released the emergency brake which allowed the vehicle to roll 40 or 50 feet away from the owner’s house. This is what happens when you leave candy in your car — which the owner had done.
FILE #2: A Michigan State University student is facing charges of “criminal splashing.” Witnesses say the 20-year-old suspect went out of his way to drive his truck through a puddle and splash a pedestrian. According to eyewitnesses, the suspect swerved five feet off the road to splash a woman as she walked on campus. Assistant Prosecutor Sam Smith will try the case and the suspect could be fined up to $500 and sentenced to up to three months in jail.
FILE #3: In Helena, Montana, a Helena Prerelease Center employee heard something rustling in the bushes — so he threw a rock at a shrub. To his surprise, he heard someone say, “Hey, you hit me in the head!” The stone hit a 22-year-old escaped convict who was being transferred by bus from a prison in Seattle who was then easily recaptured by police.
STRANGE LAW: You may not take a picture of a rabbit in Wyoming during the month of June.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Can you get a restraining order against the very ones in charge of upholding law and order?
In Kansas City, felon Wesley Fitzpatrick asked a judge for a restraining order against his own parole officer and in the tangle of red tape, he got it. Fitzpatrick, 23, went to prison in 2001 after being convicted of attempted possession of methamphetamine, he was released in June of 2002 and assigned to supervision of Judy Little. Fitzpatrick complained about reporting to Little, and then filed for official protection, claiming he was a victim of harassment. Fitzpatrick was able to get the restraining order by convincing a judge he was being stalked by Little, whom he never mention was his parole officer. The strange situation was solved when Fitzpatrick was arrested and thrown back in jail for failing to report to his parole officer.
A Baden, Pennsylvania, banker was sentenced to three years in prison for (among other things) spanking delinquent customers. How many of us would like to see a customer spanked in a store? What should customers be spanked for? More than ten items in the express lane? Letting their kids wander around the store? Waiting until everything is rung up before searching for the checkbook?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who once fed 100 men with 20 loaves of barley bread and still had some left over?
ANSWER: Elisha (2 Kings 4:42-44)
QUESTION: On which special day of the year are the most collect-calls made?
ANSWER: Father’s Day
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Bagpipes originated in Russia. (False. Although identified with Scotland, bagpipes are actually a very ancient instrument, introduced into the British Isles by the Romans.)
2. Because of TV censorship, actress Mariette Hartley was not allowed to show her belly button on STAR TREK,. (True – it was episode #78 “All Our Yesterdays” in 1969. However, later Roddenberry got even when he gave Hartley “two” belly buttons in the sci-fi movie Genesis II in 1973.)
3. Between 1931 and 1969 Walt Disney collected thirty-five Oscars. (True)
4. The first Life Saver was cherry flavored. (False – Peppermint was the flavor of the first Life Saver candy, introduced in 1912.)
5. The word “Buccaneer” came from the word “barbecuer.” (True.)
6. Microbes can survive on the surface of food made in microwaves. (True. Because microwave ovens cook so fast, microbes can survive on the surface of the food. To counteract this problem, cover the cooking dish with another dish of glass or ceramic, not plastic. The steam that accumulates will heat the surface, thus killing any surviving microscopic critters.)
7. In 1995, because of the introduction of computers, paper-consumtion in the U.S. dropped by 25% from the 1980s. (False – in fact, each American used an annual average of 731 pounds of paper, more than double the amount used in the 1980s. And paper consumption is growing.)
8. In 1996, Americans bought only 12 inches of dental floss per capita. (True)
9. Per capita, it is safer to live in New York City than it is to live in Pine Bluff, Arkansas. (True)
10. Seventy-three percent of Americans are willing to wear clothes until the clothes wear out. (True. The poll conducted by Louis Harris and Associates also revealed: 92 percent are willing to eliminate annual model changes in automobiles; 57 percent are willing to see a national policy that would make it cheaper to live in multiple-unit apartments than in single-family homes; 91 percent are willing to eat more vegetables and less meat for protein.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
______ TO BUY ITALY (CHINA)
ROME – Italy is on the brink of financial ruin, so China has made an offer to buy Italy.
An embattled prime minister struggling to hold the government together. Rocketing public debt. An economy on the brink of collapse. What are the Italians to do?
Italy is in dire political and fiscal shape. The government of Silvio Berlusconi is collapsing as he continues clinging to power. Italy is third largest member of the Eurozone. It is weighed down with a runway public debt of $2.6 trillion, a figure more than 120 percent of GDP, Italy has indulged in a massive borrowing spree.
But China has come to Italy’s rescue!
They have made an offer to buy Italy (for 50 cents on the dollar). Italy will become a colony of China and will be renamed Chitaly. Pasta will be renamed “noodles.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Think of a number. Okay, now multiply it by 3.
Now add 5.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 7.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
I’ve always ordered beverages one simple way: “A Coke, please.” Lately, though, this hasn’t seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, “I’m sorry, we don’t have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb.”
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I’d make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a “dark, carbonated beverage.”
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, “Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?”
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”
A Harvard study found that creative people are more likely to cheat and be dishonest. ***That’s because we can be more creative about it!
Woman’s Day magazine found 66% of us worry about holiday weight gain. ***Not me, I don’t worry about it at all – I KNOW I’m going to gain weight.
87% of all e-mail received in The Philippines is spam! ***Wouldn’t it be great if we could get the amount of spam in our own email down to just 87%?
In the doctor’s office two patients are talking. “You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake.”
“A sponge!” exclaims the other. “And do you feel much pain”
“No pain at all,” says the first, “but do I get thirsty!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
ACTUAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL EXCUSE NOTES
- “Jerry was at his grandmother’s yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn’t remember where the school was.”
- “Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling.”
- “Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment.”
- “Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time.”
- “Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting.”
- “It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home.”
- “Scott didn’t practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet.”
- “Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.”
- “Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM.”
- “Tommy wasn’t in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday.”
I LOVED YOU ENOUGH (by: Erma Bombeck)
Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.
I loved you enough to insist that you save your money and buy a bike for yourself even though we could afford to buy one for you.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to make you take a Milky Way back to the drugstore (with a bite out of it) and tell the clerk, “I stole this yesterday and want to pay for it.”
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that would have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren’t perfect.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you enough to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it. Those were the most difficult battles of all. I’m glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
(modified from Campus Journal)
The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” –Luke 17:5
Is bigger always better?
A disease that I think ails modern society is the “Bigger Syndrome.” Too many of us are pre occupied with size. We want bigger cars, bigger houses, and bigger bank balances; we want more clothes, more CDs, more parties. Listen to little kids at play and you might hear them brag, “My dad’s bigger than your dad!” Probably the only thing we don’t want bigger is our waistlines!
The disciples weren’t immune from this syndrome either. When they asked Jesus to “increase” their faith (Luke 17:5), they were probably seeking more power. But Jesus gently reminded them that all they needed was faith the size of a mustard seed, the smallest seed known to them, to work great things for the glory of God.
I’m no gardener, but even I know that it’s not the size of the seed that determines the size of the tree. Have you been lamenting that you don’t have “enough” faith? Have you been complaining that you don’t experience the power of God in your life? It’s not a bigger faith that you need, but a faith rooted deep in God’s love, a faith that can grasp the tremendous potential of even a tiny mustard seed in the hand of the Lord. It’s the object of your faith–God–that’s most important.
Some people have pots of money but are still not satisfied; they keep craving more and more. Some people have little to spare after their basic needs are met, yet they radiate joy and contentment. How do you explain this seeming contradiction? It is not more faith that we need, but God’s grace to exercise the faith He has already given us.
Starting today, stop asking for more faith. Instead, ask the Lord to take your faith, however much (or little) it may be, and deepen it. Exercise the faith you have in our powerful God. Then stand back–and watch those mountains start moving!
They’ve found the world’s oldest Odor Eater!
Archaeologists in central Switzerland have discovered the world’s oldest shoe insole, saying it is about 5,200 years old and made from moss. The archaeologists found the shoe insert in a dig at a Neolithic lakeside settlement in the town of Zug. The insole is 10 inches long and was apparently made for a leather shoe. Archaeologists were amazed that a thin piece of moss had survived intact for so long. ***So, what’s so different about green fuzz living in shoes? Isn’t that the whole reason we got Odor Eaters to begin with? (audio clip)
LIFE… LIVE IT
NATURAL RELIEF FROM STREP THROAT
Strep throat is an infection in the throat caused by streptococci bacteria. The most persistent symptom of strep throat is the severe and painful sore throat that makes it difficult to swallow any food or drinks. The condition is diagnosed at the doctor’s office with a swab test. Once confirmed as strep throat, only antibiotics can cure strep throat. However, several natural options will help relieve the sore throat while you wait for the antibiotics to take effect.
- Drink hot tea with some honey and/or lemon added. The hot liquid will soothe the throat. Many feel that lemon and honey also help, reports MedlinePlus. Add as little or as much honey or lemon as you like.
- Eat foods that will not further irritate the throat. MayoClinic.com recommends soups, applesauce, hot cereals, yogurt and mashed potatoes. Frozen fruit pops may also help soothe the throat.
- Mix 1/4 tsp. salt with 8 oz. warm water and gargle the mixture. Do not swallow the salt water. Simply swish it around your mouth and in the back of your throat.
- Spend time in moist air. You can use a humidifier in the bedroom or run hot water in the shower with the bathroom door shut to moisten a room’s air.
- Sleep, rest and, otherwise, just take it easy. Lots of rest will help your body fight off the bacterial infection and recover.
- Avoid smoke because this will irritate the throat.
JUST FOR FUN
In the tropics of the Western Hemisphere lives a fish with four eyes.
…In fact it’s called the Four-Eyed Fish. Actually it has only two eyes, but each eye has two parts. While the fish swims just at the water’s surface trolling for insects, half of each eye is underwater and the other half is above the surface, watching for bugs. ***MARLAR: I remember when I was a kid. I too was called “four-eyes” because of my glasses. Sometimes when we went swimming, my friends would hold my head partly under the water. But as far as I remember, I only ate insects when they forced me to. (audio clip)
TIPS FOR A LIFETIME
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area for instant relief.
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator-it will keep for weeks.
Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up.
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh. If it rises to the surface, throw it away.
If you have problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
Ants, ants, ants everywhere … Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march- see for yourself.
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips
Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle-perfect shaped pancakes every time.
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan-the marshmallow won’t stick to your fingers.
To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top-skillet will be much easier to clean now.
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces-no more stains.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead-no white mess on the outside of the cake.
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato-it absorbs the excess salt for an instant “fix me up”.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT
After 35 years and 60 different doctors, Patrick Webster has finally stopped sneezing.
…That’s right, Webster says that he sneezed almost 100 times a day for two-thirds of his 52 years. Years of seeing numerous doctors didn’t help, as he eventually had to quit his job because of the non-stop sneezing. But thankfully the cause of his sneezing has been revealed. It was his breakfast cereal. A doctor at a private clinic in London discovered that Patrick was allergic to oats and egg yolk – and said his morning bowl of Muesli was causing the sneezing. Patrick says that for as long as he can remember he started every day by eating Muesli for breakfast. As soon as he stopped eating it, so did the sneezing. Patrick is considering suing the doctors who were unable to diagnose his problem for the last 35-years. He said, “One doctor even told me I must be allergic to myself!” It’s estimated that he has sneezed 6 million times in his life. The Guinness Book of Records was looking to see if he had achieved the world sneezing record. ***MARLAR: He also may hold the record for hearing the phrase, “God bless you”, six million times.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Tired of preparing your Thanksgiving meal in one morning? Food Network Kitchen took on a major Thanksgiving challenge: Is it possible to make the entire feast ahead? They tested, tweaked and retested to come up with a full Thanksgiving menu that freezes beautifully, which means you can say goodbye to that typically chaotic week before the feast. Instead, with these recipes in your arsenal, the whole meal will be sitting pretty in the freezer, ready for the
Want to be happy? Keep aging! The happiest Americans are also the oldest Americans, according to a recent study of 28,000 people ages 18 to 88 by the University of Chicago. Older adults are also more socially active, which makes sense since being social not only makes us happy, but also can banish the blues. In fact, the odds of being happy increase 5% with every decade you age. The bad news? Baby boomers are miserable. Of all the age groups surveyed, they are the least happy.
Too much sodium can make you feel bloated, but can it also give you a gut? Unfortunately, yes. In an Australian study, people who ate pasta with a salty sauce took in 11 percent more calories than those who ate less-salty versions. That’s because excessive salt may override feelings of fullness, says study author Russell Keast, Ph.D. Meanwhile, too much saturated fat may lead to knee arthritis. Study participants who ate the most saturated fat lost 48 percent more joint space between their femur and tibia, an indicator of knee osteo-arthritis over four years than those who ate the least. Choose polyunsaturated fats, found in foods like walnuts and fatty fish. (Men’s Health)
Have you always wanted to create a family mission statement? Now you can help shape your family’s identity and begin to put to paper your dreams, goals, and prayers for your children with the FREE downloadable Strong and Kind: My Family Legacy Workbook from Korie Robertson of Duck Dynasty. The free download includes: printable worksheets and journaling pages and eight frameable art prints, including Scripture prints like Proverbs 22:6. Download your free copy at http://ow.ly/U8LA3.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” – Albert Einstein
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
NOVEMBER 11, 2016…
Almost Christmas—Danny Glover, a widower, wants peace and tranquility for the holiday season. How nice to sit and relax and look at the tree instead of arguments and remarks. The family wants to cheer him up, so they come in full force. Too much, too soon and they know where the liquor cabinet is. Ah, what to do? Who can’t relate to this situation? “Almost Christmas” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for the holiday season.
Arrival—This science fiction film stars Amy Adams as a top-notch linguist who tries to understand the language of the newly arrived aliens. In fact, they use two languages instead of one. What to do? Come in peace, or not? Others in the cast include Jeremy Renner and Forest Whitaker. “Arrival” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Billy Lynn’s Long Halfway Walk—Despite the unusual title, this movie is about a soldier, who is honored as a war hero, but has second thoughts about it. He is played by newcomer Joe Alwyn. The film is directed by Ang Lee and features a new type of camera work that speeds up the frames. Based on the book by Ben Fountain. Also in the cast are Kristen Stewart and Vin Diesel. “Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk” is rated R. No rating.
Elle—Eisabelle Huppert is the victim of a sexual assault. She is an executive and will not be quiet, but plots revenge against the attacker. This is a Paul Verhoeven movie. “Elle” is rated R. No rating.
Shut In—What to do during a blizzard? Other than shovel, you can have a situation as in this film with a psychologist (Naomi Watts) and a young boy (Jacob Tremblay) shut in during a winter storm. Can be spooky. “Shut In” is rated PG 13. No rating.
USS: Indianapolis: Men Of Courage—Based on a true incident in the sea in the Philippines Islands, the USS Indianapolis was sunk and the men were clinging to whatever they could to survive, and this in shark-infested waters (think of Robert Shaw in “Jaws” telling about this). Harrowing event. This ship was in this area delivering the weapons that would end WWII. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore, Thomas Jane, Matt Lanter, Emily Tennant and Emily Marie Palmer.
NOVEMBER 18, 2016…
The Edge Of Seventeen stars Hailee Steinfeld who objects to her brother dating.
Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is from the book by J. K. Rowling and stars Eddie Redmayne as the man capturing lost creatures.
Nocturnal Animals are not lost creatures, but in a book meant to scare one person. Stars Amy Adams.
The Disappointments Room concerns a haunted southern mansion. Stars Kate Beckingsale.
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