November 17, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161117

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

As we start the show, please keep in mind the following saying… “He who laughs last thinks slowest.”

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Riches do not profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death.” – Proverbs 11:4

Isaiah 55:10-11 

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

‘Come now, let us reason together,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.’ — Isaiah 1:18

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Instead, they were longing for a better country — a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. — Hebrews 11:16

Thought: Hebrews 11 is full of reminders of the great heroes of faith from long ago. Many of them risked everything — some even paid the ultimate price — for their faith. How did they live out such a strong faith in the face of such difficulty and persecution? They were looking for a better place, a better home, a better country, a better city — a heavenly one. God prepared this better place for them. He is proud to be called their God and welcome them to that better place. And this better place, this better country, is also promised to us as people of faith! Jesus promised us that he is preparing for our arrival at our heavenly home and he will come back and take us to be where he is (John 14:1-4). If the Lord is longing for us to join him, then surely we can have a deep longing to be with him. Let’s desire our heavenly country!

Prayer: Thank you, dear Father, for all that you have done to save me. Thank you for not being ashamed of me. Thank you for preparing for my arrival at home with you. With so much to look forward to, may I live a victorious life because I am confident in your grace, forgiven because of Jesus’ sacrifice, and empowered to be holy by your Spirit. In the name of Jesus I live and offer you this prayer. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAYVERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Revelation 11:17 NIV = “We give thanks to you, Lord God Almighty, the One who is and who was, because you have taken your great power and have begun to reign.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – NOVEMBER 16, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
38 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is HOMEMADE BREAD DAY, a day to make bread at home. ***Hence the name “Homemade Bread” right?  Sheesh.

Today is NATIONAL TAKE A HIKE DAY.  ***Not to be confused with “Tell Someone To Take A Hike Day” which might end up getting you into a bit of trouble.

Today is PUBLIC RESTROOM HAND DRYER APPRECIATION DAY. ***I absolutely appreciate the hand dryer. Remember those old never-ending cloth towel thingies? Stains all over it from 1952. And then you see the sign, “Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning To Work.”  The same guys in the back room making your pizza used that Shroud of Charmin a few minutes earlier!

Today is NATIONAL FARM JOKE DAY, a day when farmers try not to take themselves seriously.  And here’s one to get you started…

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said, ‘Unbelievable! A talking chicken!'”

TODAY IS ALSO…

Beaujolais Nouveau Day

Great American Smokeout

Homemade Bread Day

National Unfriend Day

Petroleum Day

World Prematurity Awareness Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18

European Antibiotic Awareness Day

GIS Day (Geographic Information Systems)

Married To a Scorpio Day Support Day

National Apple Cider Day

Mickey Mouse Day

Push-Button Phone Day

Substitute Educators Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19

American Made Matters Day

Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day)

Family Volunteer Day

Guinness World Record Day

Have a Bad Day Day

International Games Day

Mother Goose Day

National Adoption Day

National Day of Play

National Survivors of Suicide Day

Playmobil’s National Day of Play

Rocky and Bullwinkle Day

Use Less Stuff Day

World Philosophy Day

Women’s Entrepreneurship Day

World Toilet Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20

African Industrialization Day

Crystal Skull World Day

Doo Dah Day

Globally Organized Hug a Runner Day (G.O.H.A.R.D.)

Name Your PC Day

National Peanut Butter Fudge Day

Universal Children’s Day

World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21

Alascattalo Day

World Hello Day

World Television Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22

None Today

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23

Doctor Who Day

Fibonacci Day

International Day to End Impunity For Crimes Against Journalists

International Image Consultant Day

Tie One On Day

National Espresso Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24

Brownielocks Day

Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day

D.B. Cooper Day

National Day of Mourning (Thanksgiving Day)

Thanksgiving Day (USA)

Turkey-Free Thanksgiving

ON THIS DAY

3 BC: Jesus, the son of Mary and step-son of Joseph, was born in Bethlehem, Judea, according to the Greek Christian theologian Clement of Alexandria. Clement is believed to have lived from about 150 to 220 A.D. He founded the Alexandrian school of theology. *** How is it possible that Jesus was born three years before his own birth? I don’t really know – maybe because he’s God and can do anything he wants to do. Anyway, Merry Christmas!

1953: In the American League, the St. Louis Browns, not one of baseball’s better teams, officially became the Baltimore Orioles.

1954: Arnold Palmer became a professional golfer when he signed an endorsement contract with Wilson Sporting Goods.

1967: Monkee Davey Jones opened a boutique in New York’s Greenwich Village called “Zilch I.”

1973: U.S. President Richard Nixon told Associated Press managing editors in Orlando, Florida, “People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook.”

1977: In the Miss World Pageant, Miss United Kingdom wore a $9,500 platinum bikini.

1981: Laura and Luke were married on General Hospital. It was television’s highest-rated daytime program until the O.J. Simpson verdict.

1990: David Crosby crashed his motorcycle in Los Angeles and broke a shoulder, left leg, and ankle. Police said the speeding singer wasn’t wearing a helmet, either.

1991: 59-year-old Jim Sneed of Springfield, Missouri, suffered a heart attack at the wheel of his Greyhound bus on I-44 near Claremore, Oklahoma. He had driven 2-million miles for Greyhound without an accident. He calmly pulled his 44 passengers safely into a rest area, stopped the bus, and died.

1991: 55-year-old Wanda Cagliari won the World All-Around Championship in the National Senior Pro Rodeo Finals at Reno, Nevada. She was the first woman ever to win an all-around rodeo championship.

1995: The movie Goldeneye, starring Pierce Brosnan as Agent .007, premiered throughout the U.S.

1996: A Tampa packaging distributor introduced Biofoam, a new grain-based packing “peanut” more environmentally friendly than Styrofoam peanuts. Biofoam, which smells like popcorn, was originally developed as a snack food, but it didn’t sell.

1997: The wait at Baltimore-area Pizza Huts was up to three hours for their $1.69 bargain pizzas. The chain had promised a dollar off their large pizza for every sack the Baltimore Ravens got against the Philadelphia Eagles. The Ravens got nine sacks in a 10-10 overtime tie. ***Two more sacks and not only would the pizzas have been free, but mathematically they would’ve had to pay their customers to take them!

2002: An Indian man who became famous for smoking through his ears announced he would begin smoking through both his mouth and ears simultaneously. Dharmendra Singh of Bikaner also whistled through his nose, but he said that didn’t really impress anybody. ***You just know his parents are being with pride, don’t you?

2003: Two weeks before her 22nd birthday, Britney Spears became the youngest singer to ever get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

0003: (BC) According to early Christian theologian Clement of Alexandria (ca.155-ca.220 AD), Jesus Christ was born on this date.

1758: English churchman Philip Embury, 30, married Margaret Switzer. Afterward immigrating to America, Embury was later encouraged by his cousin Barbara Heck to found a Methodist society in New York City in 1768. Embury thus became the first Methodist preacher in North America.

1775: Anglican hymn writer John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘Rational assent may be the act of our natural reason; faith is the effect of immediate almighty power.’

1876: English born Rodney (“Gipsy”) Smith, 16, was converted to a living faith. Smith later became an English Wesleyan singing evangelist whose preaching emphasized the love of God.

1906: In Toronto, Ellen Hebden experienced a Pentecostal baptism, followed soon after by her husband James. Their East End Mission afterward became a source and focal point for establishing Pentecostal holiness throughout Canada.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress/model Daisy Fuentes, 50

  • Actress (Robin Hood, The Abyss, The Perfect Storm, “Without a Trace”, ‘Law & Order: Criminal Intent”) Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, 58

  • Actor (Dodgeball, Office Space, Jimmy James the station owner on “News Radio”) Stephen Root, 65 (audio clip)

  • Director/actor (Get Shorty, The Heist, Batman Returns, Louie on “Taxi”) Danny DeVito 72 (audio clip)

  • TV Hall of Famer (producer of “Saturday Night Live”) Lorne Michaels, 72

  • Actress & screen legend (Linda Fairchild Rush on “Central Park West”, Liz McDowell on “Falcon Crest”, American Gigolo, Zorro the Gay Blade, Once Bitten) Lauren Hutton, 73

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1933 : The Singing Nun

1937 : Gerry McGee (The Ventures)

1937 : Geoff Goddard (The Tornados)

1938 : Gordon Lightfoot

1942 : Bob Gaudio (The Four Seasons)

1944 : Gene Clark (The Byrds)

1946 : Martin Barre (Jethro Tull)

1947 : Rod Clements (Lindisfarne)

1947 : Robert “Stewkey” Antoni (The Nazz)

1948 : Iain Sutherland (Sutherland Brothers And Quiver)

1952 : Dean Martin, Jr. (Dino, Desi and Billy)

1957 : Jim Babjak (The Smithereens)

1959 : Harry Rushakoff (Concrete Blonde)

1960 : RuPaul

1966 : Jeff Buckley

1967 : Ronny DeVoe (New Edition/Bell Biv Devoe)

1967 : Ben Wilson (Blues Traveler)

1980 : Isaac Hanson (Hanson)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

When it comes to spinach, does Popeye really know best?

Everyone knows that spinach is loaded in iron and makes you stronger – just look what it has done for Popeye the Sailor’s career, right? Well, Popeye was wrong.  So were all of those parents that stuffed it down their kids’ throats.  In reality, spinach has no more iron in it than any other vegetable.  This spinach misconception dates back to the 1950’s when a food analyst made an error while calculating the iron in spinach.  His decimal place was off by one place, suggesting that spinach had ten times as much iron content than it really did.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A public service announcement by James Mead of Kutless. The band’s guitarist posted: Lose means to misplace something. Loose is the opposite of tight. These are different words.

Question of the day from Casting Crowns: What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again?

Third Day’s Mark Lee says it’s a true definition of irony. He posted: Updating the OS on my Mac so I can install a Microsoft product.

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo issued a reminder prior to their show this week: If you’re coming to tonight’s show, please note that only legal trespassing is permitted. Thank you. Attached was a sign letter concert goers know that all other forms of trespassing would not be allowed.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BM1pTBnBeTB/

 

Newsboys front man Michael Tait says times have changed. He had a wisdom tooth removed but said that, while the “Always Feared” needle and Novacaine are Still integral parts, The “Gas” was most helpful in distracting The Victim! Michael posted: Got my wisdom tooth Violently Yanked from my mouth 20 minutes ago with ZERO PAIN!

SonicFlood front man Rick Heil continues to struggle with crones disease. A kickstarter has raised $10,000 of the $25,000 he needs for experimental treatments and they reported that was able to complete the first procedure, thanks to your generosity. However, he wasn’t able to stay for the entire test because he needed to receive an infusion and surgical insertion of another central line. They say he is struggling, as he has not been able to process nutrition and his body is literally suffering from severe malnutrition and inflammation. http://fb.me/3IcXeM0zi

Hawk Nelson frontman Jon Steingard was trying to stay ahead of illness for a very good reason this week. He posted that he went to bed at 7:30 because he wasn’t feeling too hot. He said a good night’s sleep really help him to feel better and it’s a good thing because the next day the band was headed to Paris for a set of shows on the other side of the Atlantic.

Steven Curtis Chapman this week released an open letter sharing his thoughts on the election. It was sent to those on his email list as a follow up to his post prior to the election. Steven says: whatever emotions you’re feeling now on the other side of it, I’m praying that this truth found in God’s eternal, unchanging Word would bring great encouragement, deep joy, and unshakeable peace to your heart today: “Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, to Whom belong wisdom and might. He changes times and seasons; He removes kings and sets up kings; He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding…” -Daniel 2:20-21

Francesca Battistelli wants to hear your Giants Fall stories so she has set up an easy way for you share your stories on line. Watch the video and then share your story at http://bit.ly/WatchYourGiantsFall

Amy Grant is on a Christmas tour right now with Michael W. Smith and answered some Christmas questions on social media this week.

  • Regarding when she begins her Christmas celebration, Amy said: Christmas tour rehearsals get me in the holiday spirit long before weather gets cold or lights go up-started Nov 1st this year!

  • When asked about her favorite Christmas song, Amy said: There are so many that I love, but my favorite is O Come All Ye Faithful – such fond memories of singing that one with my dad

  • Amy says one of her favorite parts of Christmas is: Taking a photo of all our kids Christmas morning. I love to look back and see how they’ve changed over the years.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

North Korea has made a state request to officials in China pleading for them to stop referring to their “glorious leader” Kim Jong-un as fat.  ***Fine, fine… he’s horizontally challenged.  Now put the nukes away you big fat baby.

It appears I’ve been looked over yet again… it appears Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson was voted People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2016.  Oh well, there’s always next year.

Former president Bill Clinton had a private telephone conversation with Donald Trump as he was nearing his decision to run for the White House, and it’s being speculated that Clinton may have actually encouraged Trump to run.  ***We can FINALLY now blame something on a CLINTON instead of a BUSH!

Bruce Springsteen avoided what could have been a long walk home thanks to a group of U.S. veterans this Veterans Day. The passing bikers rescued the Boss from a New Jersey road late last week after they found him stranded with a broken-down motorcycle. The members of the Freehold American Legion gave the singer a ride to a nearby bar and grill and waited with him for 45 minutes until his next ride arrived.  ***Well, I’ll bet that made Mr. anti-American “Born In The USA” feel nice and cozy.

A Minnesota woman accused of DWI had a bizarre excuse for her alleged activity: Donald Trump drove her to drink. Well, his election anyway. According to Mashable.com, 33 year old Elizabeth L. Lundberg was arrested the day after the election after she rear-ended a vehicle, causing it to crash into the back of another car. Lundberg allegedly told officers: “I am upset over the outcome of the election and you should let me go home.”  ***Oh, well by all means move along then… swerve safely!

President-elect Trump’s ex-wife – and the mother of his three oldest children – Ivana Trump says she would like to be ambassador to the Czech Republic.  ***Look, we’ve already had this with the Clintons and the Bushes… do we really need to keep everything in the family with the Trumps as well?  The track record on Presidential nepotism isn’t that whoopdee doo.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A British charity is trying to make young people think more about God this coming Christmas, so they are putting Jesus in places where they are most likely to meet Him. One tactic was to give Jesus his own Facebook page, which was quickly rejected. ***First, because several people have already done that. Second, because like most people on Facebook, Jesus would have a lot of people who claim to be his friends but don’t really know Him.

A Harvard and University of British Columbia study found that how you spend money is at least as important to happiness as how much you make. They studied 630 Americans and found that those who spent money on other people, even as little as $5 a day for gifts or charity, were measurably happier than those who spent the money on themselves.  ***In fact, instead of buying the complete Stargate SG-1 collection on DVD for myself, I bought it for my wife Robin – and I’m feeling really good about that right now.

A recent PPP poll looks at conspiracy theories. 51% of Americans believe that there was a conspiracy in the JFK assassination. 15% believe that the government controls out thoughts through TV. 13% believe that Obama is the anti-Christ, which is just below the number of people who believe that Bigfoot is real (14%). And my personal favorite: 4% of Americans believe that Lizard People control politics.  ***Which is my favorite, because it’s the only statistic that actually reveals reality.

If you’re aiming to live in the present, you’ll want to restrict yourself to the last 15 seconds — because that’s how long we perceive the current moment. A group of US researchers say it’s not just a split second: instead, our minds seem to blur together what’s happening right now with what’s happened over that brief period.  ***Like fifteen seconds ago when I began reading this story – oops, too late now!

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Round Pizza”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… David Dean, “Church Growth”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEOPEN: When last we left the jungle, Rita the Skunk, was in jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. Gruffy was jailed for giving her that racquet. Then Racquet the Skunk was arrested for making the defective racquet, and Sully and Nozzles were arrested just for knowing the jailbirds. Racquet has apologized to everyone, but they are all still in jail… and working on a plan to break out!

CLOSE: Tune in again next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 19/20

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were determined to find out what kind of creature was making giant footprints in the jungle… but then they decided not to because they were scared. But then they got brave and moved forward… and then they got scared again. And now…

CLOSE: Finally… now we’re making some progress! What will the jungle animals find when they get back to the giant footprints? Will Millard become monster food, or will this all turn out to be a giant joke? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Getting a new fire engine causes a Moment of Duh for one Alabama fire department!

The Livingston Fire Department in Alabama was pretty tickled when they ordered their brand new 75-foot ladder/pumper truck. Of course, that was until they discovered the new truck will not fit into the existing station. No problem, city officials just allocated funding for a new 30 by 50-foot building to house it. Still no explanation on how they’ll fit a 75-foot truck into a 50-foot building.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE

10. You answer the door before people knock.

9. You ski uphill.

8. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

7. You lick your coffeepot clean.

6. You chew on other people’s fingernails.

5. Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”

4. You can type 60 words per minute … with your feet.

3. You can jump-start your car without cables.

2. All your kids are named “Joe.”

1. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Sometimes it’s not a great idea to believe what the police say… especially if you’re a criminal!

FILE #1: Clarence Thompson of Indianapolis, Indiana, learned the hard way that you shouldn’t always take police officers at their word. Clarence was already a known character around town and one time, while talking to officers patrolling the area, he told them to give him a call if they ever had any extra drugs to sell. Deciding to take him up on his offer, the cops made that call a couple of days later. Clarence set up a meeting and when the cops pulled up he hopped in the back of the black and white cruiser, and offered to buy 56 grams of cocaine. The officers made the arrest without ever leaving their car.

FILE #2: Their intentions were good, but obviously the Prichard, Alabama police department did not think their plan to curb student violence all the way through. Wanting to discourage even playing with fake weapons, officers devised a program to trade non-violent toys for school children’s fake guns and knives. The only problem was that the students were instructed to bring their toy weapons to school! Needless to say the sight of realistic toy guns and knives didn’t go over too well! Children are now instructed to bring their toys directly to the police station.

FILE #3: In Chattanooga, Tenn., a man was accused of going into his wife’s seventh-grade classroom and attacking her. He was mad at her, as he later told police, because she had not attended his church baptism the day before when, in a ceremony, he had repented of his sins.  Sounds like he has a new one to go to confession about.

STRANGE LAW: You must pay a property tax on your dog in Rocky Mount, North Carolina.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If you’re calling the police to report a crime, be sure you’re not committing a crime yourself!

A 28-year-old man reporting a burglary faces drug charges after responding officers say they found a marijuana pipe in his bedroom. A criminal complaint said officers saw the pipe in plain view in Justin Luecke’s bedroom and found marijuana stems and seeds in the living room. The complaint said officers later returned with a search warrant and found additional marijuana as well as a scale and marijuana packaging. Luecke faces charges of felony marijuana possession and several misdemeanor counts. He could face up to 26 months behind bars, if convicted on all counts.

PHONER PHUN

Sleepwalking. Where’s the weirdest place you’ve woken up, or the weirdest thing you’ve done while sleepwalking? Do your kids sleepwalk? Anything funny or scary that’s happened during a sleepwalking experience?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the father and mother of Samuel?

ANSWER: Elkanah and Hannah (1 Samuel 1:2)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s that trail left behind by jets in the sky called, and what’s it made of?

ANSWER: It is called a contrail, and is composed of condensed water vapor.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The minimum age set in the U.S. Constitution for the President of the United States is 42. (False – it’s 35)

2. In the 1900 Sears Roebuck company catalog, a piano cost $98.00. (True)

3. According to sources, actress Meg Ryan’s full name given at birth is Margaret Mary Emily Ann Hyra Ryan. (True – like we could make that up!)

4. The Chinese used to use lions as we do hunting dogs. (True! During the reign of Kublai Khan, used lions on hunting expeditions. They trained the big cats to pursue and drag down massive animals — from wild bulls to bears — and to stay with the kill until the hunter arrived.)

5. The first liquid laundry detergent in the United States was CHEER. (False – it was WISK.)

6. When Rip Van Winkle fell asleep for 20 years, he had a wolf with him. (False. He had a dog – but the dog’s name was “Wolf.”)

7. The first black-and-white film to be coverted to color electronically was “It’s a Wonderful Life” starring Jimmy Stewart. (False – it was Yankee Doodle Dandy.)

8. The first name of TV’s Grandpa Walton on the TV series, “The Waltons” was Zeb. (True – the character was played by Will Geer.)

9. The first novel written on a typewriter was George Orwell’s “1984.” (False – it was “Tom Sawyer.”)

10. Most dust particles in your house are actually dead skin cells. (True.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GAY _______  KICKED OUT OF ZOO (PENGUINS)

ORONTO –  Pedro and Buddy – two gay penguins – were tossed out of the Toronto Zoo, let loose on the streets.

Zoologists at the Toronto Zoo first tried to separate the “gay” penguin couple at the Toronto Zoo but that  caused a commotion both among zoologists and the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community.

But in the middle of the night, several anti-gay-penguin fanatics (AGPeFs) snuck into the penguin exhibit – snagged Pedro and Buddy and threw them – separately – onto the street.

Luckily, Pedro and Buddy found each other behind an Italian restaurant and now… they are looking for a new home, a place that doesn’t discriminate against gays.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

JOKE #2

A phone-order operator for a mail-order catalogue was having a very busy day. The switchboard was jammed with calls, and most people were having to be put on hold.

When she took one person off hold, she heard the person muttering mild curses into the phone. The operator laughed good-naturedly and said, “What may I help you with today?”

The sheepish voice on the other line said, “I’m sorry. I want to place an order.”


”Alright,” the operator said, “Now, I need your name first.

“Oh, dear,” she said, “how embarrassing. My name is Sister Patience.”

JOKE #3

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well honey…” said the slightly prudish parent, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy.  “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too.”

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
”This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

USELESS FACTS

At the 1936 Berlin Summer Olympics, Haiti and Liechtenstein found out they had the same flag. Liechtenstein later added a crown.  ***It still caused less of a disruption than the two women arriving at the Olympics after-party in the same dress.

Nearly 70 percent questioned in a recent AP-Ipsos poll said people are ruder than they were 20 or 30 years ago. The trend was noticed in large and small places alike, although more urban people reported bad manners (74%) than people in rural areas (67%).  ***As if any of us give flying-flip about some jerks taking a stupid survey.

It is believed that people have been wearing shoes for more than 10,000 years. ***Which means most likely the first thing Eve said to Adam was, “Let’s go shopping, I have absolutely nothing to wear!”

FEATURED FUNNIES

STREET NAME
“I’d like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia,” the young man said to the 411 operator.
“There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia, “the operator said. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated a moment, “Well, uh, most people call me Snake.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

The good people of Bridgewater, South Dakota had a problem on their hands. A stinky problem.

…A 44-ton stinky problem! Ilan Parente closed down his Bridgewater Quality Meats company and moved the business to Dawson, Minnesota back in January. What he didn’t tell anybody was that he left behind 44 tons of bison meat in his warehouse. Now the cold South Dakota winter was enough to keep the meat intact for four months, but as spring hit, the meat started to rot — and the town began to stink. It stank at the bank. It smelled at the law office. It reeked at the cafe. Even the local jewelry store wasn’t immune. The cleanup crew that was originally hired to mop up the gooey mess of liquefied meat– topped by a blanket of swarming white maggots and buzzed by a legion of flies– gave up after two days. Finally, fed up with the smell, a brave crew of 18 city and county workers took matters into their own hands and stormed the plant to haul away the putrid meat and take back their town. Amazingly, three months after the cleanup, the owner still hasn’t paid the $11,151 cleanup bill, and owes about $14,085 in unpaid property taxes on top of it. Well, at least the smell is gone.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

EMPTY SHANTYWesley L Duewel

Occasionally God surprises us by letting us find out how He used some word we spoke or action that we took years ago and perhaps forgot all about.

About a century ago Stephen Grellat was led one day to go out to a heavily forested area of America to preach. It was a strong inward compulsion of the Holy Spirit. When he arrived at the loggers’ camp, he found they had moved to another location, and their shanties were deserted. However, he was so sure he was sent by God that he went into an empty shanty and preached to the bare walls the sermon God had placed upon his heart. He then returned to his home, He could never understand why God would send him to preach to an empty shanty.

Many years later, as he walked across a bridge, a man grasped his arm, “I found you at last,” the man said. “I think you are mistaken,” said Mr. Grellat. “No, Didn’t you preach in an empty shanty in the woods years ago?” “Yes,” Mr. Grellat admitted, “but no one was there.”

“I was the foreman in charge of the loggers,” the stranger explained. “We had moved to a new location, before long I realized I’d left one of my tools behind. I returned to get it and heard a voice in one of the shanties, I peered through a crack between the logs and saw you. You never saw me, but I listened to the rest of the sermon, God touched my heart that day and I became so convicted of my sins, that after some time I purchased a Bible, repented of my sins, and became a Christian, then I began to win my men to Christ. Your sermon has led over a thousand people to Christ, and three of them have gone on to become missionaries! “

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE SOOTHING SHADE

Read: Psalm 121

The Lord watches over you–the Lord is your shade at your right hand. –Psalm 121:5

For 3 years I spent my hot, humid summers babysitting a little guy named Trey.

Blonde-haired, blue-eyed Trey is your average little boy. He’s not happy unless he’s going somewhere or doing something. Above all else, he loves to be outside. I do my best to keep up with Trey, but after a few minutes in the bright Alabama sun I start to fade. The sun saps me of all my energy, leaving me tired and sticky and hot.

At times like this, the porch with its wide roof and big rocking chairs, seems to call my name. I let Trey entertain himself for a bit and stop to take shelter in the shade. It always amazes me how taking just a few minutes in the cool darkness leaves me feeling revived and ready to get back to my jumping and running.

In Psalm 121, God is described as our shade. What a wonderful image! Can’t you just see God, arms outstretched in front of Him, saying to us, “Whew, it must be hot out there! Why don’t you come sit for a spell in My shade? The sun won’t harm you here, and I’ll leave you feeling refreshed and ready to go.”

It’s such a welcome invitation! But between school, work, dating, family, and friends, who has time to stop and sit in the shade? There’s so much to do, so many people to see, and so many places to go!

Are you running so hard that you’re left feeling sapped of all your energy and ready to drop? Why not take a few minutes to curl up in the cool comfort of God’s shade? Like Trey’s porch, God’s shade is there waiting just for you.

–Heather Henderson, Birmingham, Alabama

LEFTOVERS

THINGS GUYS WANT TO SAY TO WOMEN BUT DON’T

  • Too much makeup!

  • Please, please order more than just a salad.

  • They all look like cubic zirconia to me.

  • I heard a noise. Can you go check it out?

  • I think your mom is a babe.

  • Frankly, I’m scared of your dad.

  • Shoot, honey, don’t ask me! I can’t figure out the dumb iPod either.

LIFE… LIVE IT

TOP TEN WORST EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE TO WORK

According to a CareerBuilder.com survey, 15% of workers say they arrive late to work at least once a week, while 24% admit to making up fake excuses to explain their tardiness. While 43% of managers say they don’t mind if their employees are late as long as their work is completed with good quality, others are much stricter and would consider terminating an employee if he or she arrives late several times a year. When asked to identify the primary cause for coming in late, more than 32% of workers blamed traffic. Falling back to sleep was cited by 17%, while 7% said a long commute was the main cause. Other popular reasons included getting kids ready for school, forgetting something at home and feeling sick. While most hiring managers believe their employees’ reasons for being late to work, almost a third said they are skeptical of the excuses. Hiring managers provided these top 10 examples of the most unusual excuses employees offered for arriving late to work:

1. “While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.”

2. “Someone stole all my daffodils.”

3. “I had to go audition for ‘American Idol.’”

4. “My ex-husband stole my car so I couldn’t drive to work.”

5. “My route to work was shut down by a Presidential motorcade.”

6. “I wasn’t thinking and accidentally went to my old job.”

7. “I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.”

8. “The line was too long at Starbucks.”

9. “I was trying to get my gun back from the police.”

10. “I didn’t have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.”

JUST FOR FUN

THE COMPUTER CAFE

Don’t expect to find a waiter or waitress at a new cafe in Germany…

…instead you’ll find 25 machines there to serve you. The cafe is the work of nine college students in the city of Cologne. In addition to serving you coffee or tea, the machines are programmed to even make comments and small talk from a memory bank of 200 different tales. ***MARLAR: The owners say they got the idea of having people interacting with robots after watching Al Gore speak.

FUN LIST

FAMOUS SAYINGS…

Miranda teaches fourth grade. As a fun assignment, she gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what her students submitted:

  • The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
  • A rolling stone plays the guitar.
  • The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
  • No news is no newspaper.
  • It’s better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
  • It’s always darkest just before I open my eyes.
  • You have nothing to fear but homework.
  • If you can’t stand the heat, don’t start the fireplace.
  • If you can’t stand the heat, go swimming.
  • Never put off ’til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
  • A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
  • The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
  • We have nothing to fear but our principal.
  • I think, therefore I get a headache.
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, “Shut up!”
  • Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
  • It’s always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
  • Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
  • There is nothing new under the bed.
  • Don’t count your chickens — it takes too long.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THANKSGIVING FOOD

Thanksgiving is here, and the results of an important new poll on Thanksgiving food are out. OK, it’s not that important, but let’s see where you match up on this: What is the one food or dish that you most look forward to eating on Thanksgiving Day?

  • Turkey – 46%

  • Stuffing/dressing – 17%

  • Pumpkin pie – 6%

  • Mashed potatoes – 6%

  • Sweet potatoes/yams – 4%

  • Ham – 3%

  • Other pies – 3%

  • Cranberries/cranberry sauce – 2%

  • Vegetables – 2%

  • Salad – 1%

  • Casseroles – 1%

  • Other desserts – 1%

  • Everything – 2%

  • Other – 6%

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Christian leaders say that although the election outcome has divided the nation, Christians need to come together to “heal” the nation. Evangelist Anne Graham Lotz, daughter of Billy Graham, says “I think the most critical thing that God’s people can do is — one is to pray,” “Two is to repent of our sin, and three is to keep our focus on God.”  http://dlvr.it/Mg5nLr

As we approach Thanksgiving, parents have a perfect opportunity to teach their kids the value of the words “thank you” in everyday life. To help, Focus on the Family’s parenting department has developed a “7 Days of Gratitude” place mat. The downloadable place mats will help family members express their gratitude to each other for a whole week by asking questions such as “What privileges and things do you have that others don’t?” and “What gifts are you thankful for?” Access the 7 days of gratitude place mats at http://ow.ly/WmV5306f6UW

The National Bible Bee will be held this week and you can watch it live. The Bible Bee will take place today through Saturday (November 17 through 19) and you can watch it live on Joni Tada’s website.  http://ow.ly/4dPn306ccn1

Need some help getting ready for the holidays, or interested in learning a few new decorating ideas?  Barbara Rainey just came out with six new decorating ideas for the holidays. http://bit.ly/2eCBCF2

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I gotta go take care of a problem in the front office now. The boss’s secretary typed a letter for me. Unfortunately, I forgot to tell her I wanted spaces between the words.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 11, 2016…

Almost Christmas—Danny Glover, a widower,  wants peace and tranquility for the holiday season. How nice to sit and relax and look at the tree instead of arguments and remarks. The family wants to cheer him up, so they come in full force. Too much, too soon and they know where the liquor cabinet is. Ah, what to do? Who can’t relate to this situation?  “Almost Christmas” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for the holiday season.

Arrival—This science fiction film stars Amy Adams as a top-notch linguist who tries to understand the language of the newly arrived aliens. In fact, they use two languages instead of one. What to do? Come in peace, or not? Others in the cast include Jeremy Renner and Forest Whitaker. “Arrival” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Billy Lynn’s Long Halfway Walk—Despite the unusual title, this movie is about a soldier, who is honored as a war hero, but has second thoughts about it. He is played by newcomer Joe Alwyn. The film is directed by Ang Lee and features a new type of camera work that speeds up the frames. Based on the book by Ben Fountain. Also in the cast are Kristen Stewart and Vin Diesel. “Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk” is rated R. No rating.

Elle—Eisabelle Huppert is the victim of a sexual assault. She is an executive and will not be quiet, but plots revenge against the attacker.  This is a Paul Verhoeven movie. “Elle” is rated R. No rating.

Shut In—What to do during a blizzard? Other than shovel, you can have a situation as in this film with a psychologist (Naomi Watts) and a young boy (Jacob Tremblay) shut in during a winter storm. Can be spooky. “Shut In” is rated PG 13. No rating.

USS: Indianapolis: Men Of Courage—Based on a true incident in the sea in the Philippines Islands, the USS Indianapolis was sunk and the men were clinging to whatever they could to survive, and this in shark-infested waters (think of Robert Shaw in “Jaws” telling about this). Harrowing event. This ship was in this area delivering the weapons that would end WWII. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore, Thomas Jane, Matt Lanter, Emily Tennant and Emily Marie Palmer.

NOVEMBER 18, 2016…

The Edge Of Seventeen stars Hailee Steinfeld who objects to her brother dating.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is from the book by J. K. Rowling and stars Eddie Redmayne as the man capturing lost creatures.

Nocturnal Animals are not lost creatures, but in a book meant to scare one person. Stars Amy Adams.

The Disappointments Room concerns a haunted southern mansion. Stars Kate Beckingsale.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.