November 18, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161118

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

To make it big in this business, you have to be different. That’s why each day before coming to work I mousse my hair with Cheez Whiz.

Just read online that nearly 1 out of every 5 Americans is considered to be illiterate. Who exactly is that message for?

I feel sorry for the shows airing on the TV Guide Channel. The channel itself is constantly saying, “Hey look, here’s something you could be watching instead of watching us!”

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes. –Proverbs 14:29

Relationship insecurity can actually lead to heart problems.  ***MARLAR: So yes, a broken heart can lead to a broken heart.

Trouble and distress have come upon me, but your commands are my delight. — Psalm 119:143

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

[The LORD said] “Woe to the worthless shepherd, who deserts the flock! May the sword strike his arm and his right eye! May his arm be completely withered, his right eye totally blinded!” — Zechariah 11:17

Thought: While we don’t like to hear bad news and don’t appreciate the pronouncement of judgment on others, there is a time when it is appropriate. Jesus was not only our sacrificial lamb, but he is also our Chief Shepherd. When the earthly shepherds of his sheep do not lead faithfully, he will demand harsh justice. This is a strong reminder to all who lead that they must do so faithfully and tenderly. It is also a comfort to those who have been abused by ungodly leaders — God will bring about a righteous justice to those who have abused the stewardship of their pastoral calling. Ultimately, God will also wipe away our tears even if our earthly shepherds do not! (Revelation 7:15)

Prayer: O LORD, my Shepherd, thank you for leading, guiding, and nourishing me. Please raise up in your Church leaders of conscience, courage, and compassion to shepherd your sheep and to lead us with the heart of Jesus. If I can be used in this capacity, please use me, dear Father, to bless your people and to serve with your heart for people. In the name of Jesus, my Good Shepherd. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAYVERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Deuteronomy 11:18 NIV = Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – NOVEMBER 17, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
37 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is FRENCH VICHYSSOISE DAY. ***Cold potato soup with leeks. Uh, no thanks.

Today is TOTAL DISREGARD FOR TASTE DAY.  ***Which might explain it being French Vichyssoise Day.

Today is MARRIED TO A SCORPIO SUPPORT DAY. ***And, as a Scorpio, I’m somewhat offended.

TODAY IS ALSO…

European Antibiotic Awareness Day

GIS Day (Geographic Information Systems)

Married To a Scorpio Day Support Day

National Apple Cider Day

Mickey Mouse Day

Push-Button Phone Day

Substitute Educators Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19

American Made Matters Day

Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day)

Family Volunteer Day

Guinness World Record Day

Have a Bad Day Day

International Games Day

Mother Goose Day

National Adoption Day

National Day of Play

National Survivors of Suicide Day

Playmobil’s National Day of Play

Rocky and Bullwinkle Day

Use Less Stuff Day

World Philosophy Day

Women’s Entrepreneurship Day

World Toilet Day

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20

African Industrialization Day

Crystal Skull World Day

Doo Dah Day

Globally Organized Hug a Runner Day (G.O.H.A.R.D.)

Name Your PC Day

National Peanut Butter Fudge Day

Universal Children’s Day

World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21

Alascattalo Day

World Hello Day

World Television Day

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22

None Today

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23

Doctor Who Day

Fibonacci Day

International Day to End Impunity For Crimes Against Journalists

International Image Consultant Day

Tie One On Day

National Espresso Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24

Brownielocks Day

Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day

D.B. Cooper Day

National Day of Mourning (Thanksgiving Day)

Thanksgiving Day (USA)

Turkey-Free Thanksgiving

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25

Black Friday

Blase Day

Buy Nothing Day

Flossing Day

Fur Free Friday

International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women Day. (***How about we just call it “Be Nice To Her Day?” Wouldn’t that be easier?)

International Hat Day

Maize Day

National Day of Listening

National Native American Heritage Day

Shopping Reminder Day

Sinkie Day

You’re Welcomegiving Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26

World Day of Giving

Small Business Saturday

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27

NONE TODAY

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28

Cider Monday

Cyber Monday

ON THIS DAY

1307: According to legend, using a bow and arrow, William Tell shot an apple off his son’s head.

1866: 32-year-old English devotional writer Katherine Hankey, wrote the verses that we sing today as the hymn, “I Love to Tell the Story.”

1961: In Regina, the Saskatchewan legislature passed a law giving residents of their province Canada’s first prepaid health care plan.

1963: Bell Telephone introduced the first phone with push buttons.

1980: “Barbara Mandrell & the Mandrell Sisters” debuted on NBC-TV. The show starred Barbara, Louise, and Irlene Mandrell, and a 5-piece band of life-size Kroft puppets named Truck Shackley & the Texas Critters. The Mandrell’s guests on their first show: Dolly Parton and John Schneider.

1985: Donald Trump announced plans to build a 150-story building in New York City.

1988: Tulsa singer Ronnie Dunn won the Marlboro Country Music National Talent Contest in Nashville, which led to a publishing contract, which led to a meeting with writer Kix Brooks, which led to the duo of Brooks & Dunn.

1990: Singer Mick Jagger and model Jerry Hall were married in Bali, Indonesia.

1991: Suzanne Ferrer of Loire Valley in France became a great-grandmother at age 49. She had her first child at age 16; the daughter gave birth at 17; the granddaughter at 15. ***The perfect example of what you should aspire NOT to do in your life.

1995: Prison officials in Douaihad, France, admitted they had to change the locks on 300 cell doors because someone lost the master key.

1996: Robo-Nurse debuted at a Middlesex, England, hospital. The medical robot could carry blood, bedpans, and a cup of tea. ***It took a while for them to work out the bugs though – it kept trying to serve tea in a bedpan.

2001: Britney Spears’ first TV concert, “Britney Spears: Live from Las Vegas,” aired on ABC.

2003: A 57-year-old Florida woman recovered from a stroke to find she had a British accent. Experts diagnosed Judi Roberts as suffering from “foreign accent syndrome,” one of less than 20 cases reported worldwide in 80 years. ***Along with Madonna and Gweneth Paltrow.

2003: Barry Bonds was named the National League’s Most Valuable Player for a record sixth time.

2004: Both President Bushes and President Carter were on hand to help President Clinton open his library in Little Rock, Arkansas.

2007: The Contemporary Music Festival in Hudderfield, England, announced it would feature The Vienna Vegetable Orchestra, whose dulcet tones came from instruments made of fresh vegetables. The edible ensemble performs using celeriac bongos, carrot recorders, crunching onion skins, squeaking lettuce leaves and a multi-vegetable “cucumberphone” to play everything from contemporary to jazz to classical.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1095: Pope Urban II opened the Council of Clermont. Summoned to plan the First Crusade, it was attended by over 200 bishops. Among its official policies, the Council decreed that a pilgrimage to Jerusalem made every other penance superfluous.

1302: Pope Boniface VIII published the bull “Unam Sanctam.” It was the first papal writing to decree that spiritual power took precedent over temporal power, and that subjection to the pope was necessary to salvation.

1626: In Rome, the newly completed St Peter’s Basilica was consecrated by Urban VIII. St. Peter’s is presently the largest church in Christendom, with a length of 619 feet.

1866: English devotional writer Katherine Hankey, 32, penned the verses that we sing today as the hymn, “I Love to Tell the Story.”

1966: This was the last required meatless Friday for American Roman Catholics, in accordance with a decree made by Pope Paul VI earlier this year.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Starsky & Hutch, Shanghai Noon/Knights, The Royal Tenenbaums) Owen Wilson, 48
  • Actress (Big, Wilma in the Flintstones movie) Elizabeth Perkins, 56
  • Actor/comedian (“SNL,” Daddy Daycare, Anger Management) Kevin Nealon, 63
  • Actor (Get Shorty, Random, The Heist) Delroy Lindo, 65
  • Actor (“Saved by the Bell’s” Mr. Belding) Dennis Haskins, 66 (audio clip)
  • Actor (“Simon & Simon”) Jameson Parker, 69 (audio clip)
  • Actress (“Dynasty”) Linda Evans, 74 (audio clip)
  • Actress/voicist (Midnight Cowboy, The Critic) Brenda Vaccaro, 77

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1786 : Carl Maria von Weber

1909 : Johnny Mercer

1926 : Dorothy Collins

1927 : Hank Ballard

1936 : Don Cherry

1941 : Con Clusky (The Bachelors)

1946 : Jackie Ward

1949 : Herman Rarebell (The Scorpions)

1950 : Graham Parker

1950 : Rudy Sarzo (Quiet Riot, Whitesnake)

1953 : John McFee (The Doobie Brothers)

1954 : John Parr

1958 : Michael Ramos (The BoDeans)

1960 : Kim Wilde

1962 : Kirk Hammett (Metallica)

1969 : Duncan Sheik

1979 : Fabolous

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

WHAT IS THE ORIGIN OF THE TERM “EAVESDROPPING”?
“Eaves” are the edges of a roof that project past the exterior walls of a building, usually designed to carry rain water away from the foundations. The “eavesdrip” in Old English was a specific place–the outside area from the walls of a house to the edge of the roof–a space to shelter oneself from the rain or, if one were sneaky, where conversations within the house could be overheard rather clearly. “Eavesdrip” eventually became “eavesdrop,” and by the late 15th century the noun had become a verb, meaning to secretly listen to someone else’s conversation.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Hillsong United recorded their song Here Now (Madness) at a first century tomb that many believe is the tomb where Jesus was buried. They posted: It seemed perfect to record this on the doorstep of the Garden Tomb right below where many believe Golgotha was – The Madness of the whole story of Jesus came alive for us and hopefully you catch a glimpse of it also. The members of Hillsong United added: regardless if it was Jesus’ actual one or not – it was empty! Check out the video of their performance… https://youtu.be/ViRb_fyFZtY

Mark Schultz posted a picture of his two young sons nearly covered in leaves. He posted: when you are 4 and 2, leaves are as good as a trip to Disneyland. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMzxc8sjNzE/

Question of the day from Revive Our Hearts: Are we worshiping Him because of the sensation it gives us or just because He is worthy of worship?

Shane Bernard and Shane Everett announced the opening of Wandrin’ Star Farms over the weekend. The members of the worship duo Shane and Shane posted: It’s finally here! They held a grand opening for the new venue near Austin, Texas. The two Shane’s say the goal of the farm is to bless their community and increase the quality of life for all their neighbors. They say their dream is to have a venue which hosts weekly activities and events that are open to all, with a special focus on family fun. https://www.instagram.com/p/BMurvBrjkLF/

Zach Williams may need bypass surgery after the completion of his current tour. He posted a picture of his latest meal, at zombie burgers in Iowa. It featured a hamburger with layers of cheese in the bun along with a side order of fried cheese curds.

The Bible is full of Jacked Up people but Jesus never met a lost cause. — Mark Hall (Casting Crowns)

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Determined to top most other big retailers on Black Friday – Walmart is staying open all day on Thanksgiving, and the Black Friday deals begin at 6pm Thanksgiving Day. Walmart says its customers told them they would rather stay up late to shop than get up early.  ***Not only does Walmart cut prices, it also has cuts the hours its employees get off for Thanksgiving.  (“Walmart… working hard to bring you a Thanksgiving that means absolutely nothing!”)

According to Nielsen, you have 200 or so channels on your cable system, but you only watch 20 of them. ***But you’re paying for all 200, so it all works out.

While in the drive-thru of a St. Louis Steak ‘n Shake a man accidentally shot himself in the head. The man survived and was taken to a hospital in stable condition. Investigators did not say how he accidentally shot himself.  ***Doctors did comment, however, and said between the bullet or the fast food, he made the right choice for his health.

North Korea reportedly hasn’t told their people yet that Donald Trump has been elected U.S. President. ***Proving it’s true… ignorance IS bliss!

Homeland Security is warning that the holiday season could be a target for terrorist attacks. Be observant of your surroundings.  ***Starting with your aunt Melba’s marshmallow, pretzel and lime J-Ello salad.

Another reminder to remain alert when wearing headphones and earbuds while in public spaces. In Canada (Chilliwack, B.C.) someone was struck and killed by a train while wearing earbuds.  ***Even worse, he burst into flames because he was listening through a Galaxy Note 7.

In India, a 27-year-old man was electrocuted to death while listening to music on his charging cell phone! Police in the central state of Madhya Pradesh said the poor guy suffered shocks likely from an earphone attached to his mobile phone, which was plugged into an electrical outlet. His family rushed him to a clinic, where he was pronounced dead. There was no information about the kind of phone and charger he was using but the chief of police said he believed the charger wire may have been faulty. While the chances of being electrocuted on a charging cell phone are highly remote, it is not unheard of. (Hindustan Times) ***Apple immediately sent out a press release saying the guy was charging a Galaxy Note 7.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

In a survey of bosses and managers, clicking out of, or shutting down their computer screen when the boss walks by is the thing their employees do that upsets them more than anything.   ***Well, if you’d stop spying on us when we’re doing things we’re not supposed to be doing, there wouldn’t be a problem now, would there?

You can get better at lying with more practice, a recent study suggests.  Researchers found that with a little training, people can learn to tell a lie more automatically and efficiently. It gets easier for folks to repeat the lies and becomes harder for them to differentiate deception from telling the truth.  ***Which explains every single politician to ever have held office.

According to a recent survey on office pet peeves, 32 percent of employees listed “loud talkers” as their biggest annoyance at work. However, 44 percent said using condescending tones were the worst, while 37 percent found public reprimands at work irritating. 34 percent said they hated bosses who micromanage, topping 22 percent who disliked using speakerphones in public areas. ***And 78% said their biggest pet peeve is people making them take dumb surveys about their jobs while they’re trying to get their work done.

AT&T’s chief medical officer is warning that cellphones can easily spread the flu because they’re one of the few devices that regularly come in close contact with the face.  Dr. Geeta Nayyar is urging people to clean and disinfect their phones regularly, use hands-free headsets and avoid taking out their phones in restrooms.  She says cellphones make a convenient delivery device for viruses because of how often people shake hands, turn doorknobs and use railings before touching their phone.  ***To make sure all of the germs and bacteria are removed from your phone, you can also toss it in the dishwasher for a cycle or two.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Wheels On Luggage”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Jeff Allen, “Airline Drinks, Belts, and Windows”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Wow… that’s strange. What are the odds that someone else would be writing the exact same song that Millard is just now composing? And, is it just me, or does Millard’s new song sound really, uh… familiar? Get more of the story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 19/20

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were determined to find out what kind of creature was making giant footprints in the jungle… but then they decided not to because they were scared. But then they got brave and moved forward… and then they got scared again. And now…

CLOSE: Finally… now we’re making some progress! What will the jungle animals find when they get back to the giant footprints? Will Millard become monster food, or will this all turn out to be a giant joke? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What’s in a name? Ask a man by the name of Osamu, and he can tell you.

Some residents of Port Townsend, Washington just can’t get it through their thick skulls that the six letter name “Osamu” is not the same as “Osama”. They’ve been sending angry letters to Osamu Okamoto, a Japanese restaurant owner, demanding to know if he’s related to Osama bin Laden.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY

10. Your last name stays put.

9. The garage is all yours.

8. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

6. You don’t care if nobody notices your new haircut.

5. Wrinkles add character.

4. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with “So, notice anything different?”

3. You can go to a public restroom without a support group.

2. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

1. You don’t have to shave below your neck.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man robs a bank, after making a withdrawal from his own account!

FILE #1: A Fresno bank robber, after making a legitimate withdrawal from his own account, went over to another teller and demanded that all the money in the bank vault be turned over to him in a bag. Accepting that it would take 15 minutes to empty the vault he went outside to wait patiently on the curb, according to police who arrived in less than 15 minutes.

FILE #2: Jessie Adams was released from the county jail after serving an eight month sentence for auto theft and drunken driving. Mr. Adams was still in the jail parking lot when he asked a man if he wanted to help him rob a bank. Bad idea. The guy he propositioned was an undercover cop. Jessie is back in his cell.

FILE #3: The clerk at a convenience store in Little Rock, Ark., was cool under pressure when two men, armed with a rifle, tried to rob him. The unnamed clerk simply asked the men why they would want to go to prison over $30. The duo apparently reconsidered, and left without completing their robbery.

STRANGE LAW: In Wisconsin, cheese making requires a cheese maker’s license; Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker’s license.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Sometimes God even works in the lives of criminals… to bring them to justice!

Jada Coover of Sioux City Iowa was scheduled to appear in court on charges of attempting to tamper with anhydrous ammonia, which is used to make methamphetamine. He was tooling around town on the day of his court appearance, apparently not intending to show up for court, in a truck suspected of being in a hit and run.  Police spotted the truck and started to pursue him. So the brilliant mind of Jada thought, “I’ll run from police and then hide in a court house,” which he did.  Coover hastily parked the truck and ran into the courthouse and tried to barricade himself in a courtroom. The exact same courtroom he was scheduled to appear in that day!

PHONER PHUN

What do you do to wake up in the morning? Drink coffee first thing? Go for a jog? Jump into a cold/hot shower? Do jumping jacks? What’s the very first thing you do each morning to help yourself wake up. Trust me, I could use a few suggestions!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What did a man at Jesus’ crucifixion run to find for the dying Jesus?
ANSWER: A sponge (Matthew 27:46-48)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to Men’s Health, what is the least caffeinated city in America? This is where the residents drink the least amount of coffee, soda and energy drinks – and sleep more than those in any other city.

ANSWER: Detroit, Michigan.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. News journalist Diane Sawyer was once a beauty queen. (True – when Diane Sawyer competed in the America’s Junior Miss Pageant, several judges considered her too serious and sophisticated to serve as a teen titleholder. During rehearsals, nearsighted Diane walked headfirst into a metal post in front of the judges and dissolved into girlish giggles. Charmed by Sawyer’s silly side, several judges changed their votes in her favor and she was named 1963 America’s Junior Miss.)

2. Humphrey Bogart’s ashes are in an urn that also contains a small gold whistle. (True – Lauren Bacall had the whistle inscribed “If you need anything, just whistle” – the words she spoke to him in their first film together, To Have and Have Not.)

3. House dust is smaller than space dust. (False – space dust is extremely small – smaller than a particle of smoke – and widely separated, with more than 320 feet between particles.)

4. By the eighteenth century, apple pie had become so popular a dessert in America that Yale College served it every night at supper. (True – and they did so for more than a century.)

5. 60% of college students suffer hearing loss. (True – according to a study for the University of Tennessee’s Noise Laboratory, 60 percent of American college students suffer from some high-frequency hearing loss. The main cause of this premature deafness is noise. Hearing loss has long been linked to exposure to noise. Sustained loud noises — from vehicles, jet aircraft, stereos, food processors — destroys the ears’ tiny hair cells.)

6. The Boeing 767 aircraft has over one-billion parts. (False – it is a collection of 3.1 million parts. And those parts come from 800 different suppliers around the world: fuselage parts from Japan, center wing section from Southern California, flaps from Italy.)

7. On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 9:11. (False – it’s 4:10.)

8. Parker Brothers prints about 50 billion dollars worth of Monopoly money in one year. (True)

9. Hobbes the tiger in the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip has no pads on his feet. (True. Hobbes originally had pads on his hands and feet but Bill Waterson, the creator, found them too distracting and removed them.)

10. It took Leo Tolstoy only six months to write “War & Peace”. (False – it took him six years.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Actual Spare Tire Found In __________!”  (MAN’S STOMACH)


The Weekly World News reports it’s common to describe big-bellied guys as carrying a “spare tire.” But when Detroit auto worker Jim “Jimbo” Tarnip went to the doctor complaining of stomach pains, they were amazed to discover that his gut contained an actual automobile tire. “It was a perfectly good tire,” said Dr. Mel Carroll, who removed it. “In fact, it went directly from Tarnip’s stomach to the trunk of his car. “The amazing thing,” Dr. Carroll continued, “is that there’s no way that Tarnip could’ve eaten this tire. It was generated by his body overtime.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

During the summer when the power mower was broke, and wouldn’t run, the wife kept hinting to her husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make the point. When her husband arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house.  He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again he handed his wife a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “You might as well sweep the sidewalks.”

JOKE #2

Using a new painting program on her computer, Sue managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit.  She made a color printout and sent it to her daughter, a graphic designer.  She called when it arrived. “Isn’t it good?” Sue asked.

She chuckled, and replied, “Mom, it’s beautiful.  We put it on the refrigerator.”

JOKE #3

The owner of a priceless antiques collection allowed a museum to exhibit his treasures.

The movers packed the vases while the collector hovered over them. “Do be careful,” he cautioned one burly mover. “That vase is nearly two thousand years old.”

“Don’t worry,” the guy replied. “I’ll treat it like it was brand new.”

USELESS FACTS

There’s a group of 10 men that have been playing tag for the past 23 years, and have gone as far as 300 miles just to tag someone.  ***And yes, they all still live in their mothers’ basements.

A new study claims that recent children’s cartoons have become more violent.  ***And researchers suggest that whoever is causing that should be thrown over a cliff and have an anvil dropped on their head.

A British company has developed a bacteria-retarding line of underwear that you can wear for days without having to wash.  ***Bachelors around the world are reported to have tears of joy.

FEATURED FUNNIES

WINTER PREPAREDNESS QUIZ

** The first thing most people do to get their cars ready for winter is:

a) replace the antifreeze

b) put on snow tires

c) insulate the cup holder to keep their coffee hot.

** If your house is heated by oil and you want to save money on winter heating bills, experts recommend:

a) adding insulation to the walls and attic

b) putting up storm windows

c) moving to Florida.

** If you see squirrels burying more nuts than usual, it means:

a) we’re in for a bitter winter

b) there’s a shortage of nuts

c) even squirrels have given up on the low-carb diet.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A man tries to get even with Uncle Sam at tax time.

A man irate about his income tax paid Uncle Sam (the U.S. government) with a plaster of Paris check that weighed several pounds. He wasn’t all that bright, because once the government cashed the check, it was returned to him and he had to keep it for five years for his records.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE MONARCH BUTTERFLIES

Even though we die in this human life, we are reborn into a more beautiful state.
By Kathryn Woodard

My 29-year-old son Kevin passed away in August of 1996 from a brain tumor triggered by the AIDS virus.
I had known about his condition for more than three years, but his HIV status changed to full-blown AIDS in the summer of 1995. The brain tumor caused him to have a small stroke. He was living and working in Washington, D.C. at the time, and I immediately sought a leave of absence and flew there from my home in St. Louis.
When I got to see Kevin, he was distraught and wanted to know why he should go on living. I responded that only God knows when it is time for us to leave this earth, and that I would be there for him through his illness. His friends thought he should go into a nursing home, but I said no–he should come back to St. Louis with me.

I set about moving his things, going to the grocery store each day to get boxes, then packing them and sending them via UPS to my home. We both wondered when and how his furniture could be moved. But a good friend of his–a young lawyer named Donnell Smith–was living in D.C. at the same time and miraculously was getting ready to move to St. Louis. He offered to place Kevin’s furniture on his moving truck and send it to my apartment. God had heard our prayers.
Once Kevin was back home, we starting looking for doctors, and found a fantastic radiologist at Washington University. Between his doctor’s help and my belief in following a firm nutrition plan to maintain health, he was soon walking with the aid of a cane. His good spirits came back, and he was able to drive his beloved Jeep.
Kevin had always been a kind and happy child, and a committed Christian. At one time he even thought of becoming a preacher. Eventually he paid his own way through college (we were fairly poor when he was growing up) and became a pharmacist. As a pharmacist he worked for a program that helped pharmacies pay for prescriptions for those could not afford them. That’s just the kind of person he was.
Once he moved back to St. Louis, Kevin kept up with his friends in D.C. to make sure the pharmacy program continued. His good health lasted until July of 1996, but after his 29th birthday, it declined rapidly.
When Kevin died, I was devastated, and each day was a struggle for me, whether I was at work or at home. Two of my friends, Gloria Bratkowski and her husband, Tom, were working on a project to increase the world’s butterfly population. They had given me some Monarch butterfly caterpillars as part of this project. Gloria told me what to feed them, which I dutifully went about doing. It was a distraction from my grief.
The caterpillars eventually spun their cocoons, and I watched as they turned dark brown and shriveled. In my sorrow, I thought that I had not fed them enough and that the cocoons would never open.

One particular day in October of 1996, I was more distraught than usual, and I too had even considered suicide. Angry and depressed, I was sitting in my kitchen, crying, when I heard a small sound. I thought it was a mouse and turned to see where the sound was coming from.

There on the shelf, inside the glass bottle that held the caterpillars, I saw the cocoons begin to open. The beautiful Monarchs started unfolding before me.
My heart was filled with joy as I realized what God was showing me: that even though we die in this human life, we are reborn like butterflies to an infinitely more beautiful state. Our bodies simply encase this beauty. Our souls are set free upon death to the wonder of heaven–if we simply believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and his promise of life everlasting.
Although I was still sad after this event, I was at peace with God’s promise of everlasting life through the lesson of the Monarch butterflies.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

One of my pet peeves… people praying in King James English!

It happened one night when I was at church.  A guest preacher was asked to say a prayer in front of the congregation.  The preacher began, but his voice soon became a mumble, making his prayer unintelligible to the people who were listening.

Summoning his courage, one church member interrupted, “Excuse me, sir, but we can’t understand you.”

Without hesitation, the preacher looked up and said, “I’m not talking to you.”

Ouch.  Now, I don’t think it’s appropriate to embarrass someone in public like that – and the mumbling preacher should have prayed louder.  But he did have a point.

When we pray in public, we have to keep in mind that it’s not our job to impress people with what we say.  When you pray, and suddenly your find yourself using words like “thee” and “thou”, “thine” and “hast” you hast to wonder who thine speakest too, and ask thineself what thou motives be.  If you don’t talk like that to your friends and family, why do you talk that way when you’re praying to God in a public setting?  Do you think God speaks only in King James’ English?

And while we’re on the subject… what’s with people in church services praying loudly in their pews?  What’s the deal with that?  If you praying loudly, and the person next to you is praying loudly, and you’re both not saying the same thing, then the person in front of you is going to hear nothing but gibberish – and could be distracted in his own prayers to God.  Do we think God can’t hear us unless we speak out loud, even in the presence of others?!?!
Our job when we’re praying isn’t to sound spiritual to God or others… our job is to worship the Lord as we talk with Him.

That’s difficult for some, because we want to be appreciated by others. We don’t want our friends to think we’re some spiritual moron. We don’t want them to go away with the idea that we don’t know how to pray.  But then, what are we teaching them if we suddenly begin to use twenty-dollar words in our prayers, when a ten-cent word will do just fine?

I’ll bet the hypocrites in Matthew, Chapter six had the same problem.  They were great at praying (in their own eyes and ears, at least). To them, a great prayer was one that was a bit boisterous and attracted attention.

But as good as their prayers may have sounded, they may as well have been praying to the god of the chandeliers, because their prayers didn’t get any higher than that. Jesus said, “They have received their reward in full” (v.5).

Instead of trying to pray in a way that we think will impress others, we need to pray to God, not to the people in our prayer group.  That way, no one will ever wonder who it is we’re really talking to.

LEFTOVERS

DREAMING OF CHEESY REWARDS

Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology say that they not only know that rats have dreams, but they say they know some of the things rats dream about.

They entered the dreams of rats and found them busily working their way through the same lab mazes they negotiate during the day. The scientists had the mice perform specific tasks in a maze that produced very distinctive patterns of brain activity. When they repeatedly saw almost exactly the same patterns reproduced during sleep, they concluded the rats were dreaming about running through the maze. It is evidence not just that animals dream, but that they have complex dreams, replaying events much the way humans do, researchers said. And they may use their dreams to learn or memorize.

LIFE… LIVE IT

GO ON VACATION AND LOSE WEIGHT

We all know that vacations are good for our mental health – but it looks like they could be good for weight-loss too… even if we don’t get all that active!

In the Washington Post a dietitian claims that you may be more likely to LOSE weight than gain weight on your vacations. He says that, because you are out of your environment, your behavior-related eating habits are gone, you don’t have ready access to the refrigerator, and you are just plain more active.

JUST FOR FUN

BOTCHED WEDDING PLANS

Sometimes it’s a good idea to look at the signs around you to be sure that you’re doing the right thing – including marriage.

It’s probably the shortest marriage of all time, a marriage that lasted just a few minutes! And if the couple had only taken heed of the numerous warnings that were being tossed their direction it all may have never taken place. The wedding took place in Kenya last week. A few days before the wedding ceremony was to even take place, the bride threatened to call the whole thing off because her groom (a milkman) had purchased a “cheap” wedding gown. That’s one hint that they weren’t going to work out. Then, on the day of the wedding, the bride refused to get into the vehicle that was supposed to take her to the church… calling it “junk”. Again, another sign that maybe this marriage thing wasn’t supposed to be.) Are you getting the picture that this woman is totally unpleasable and getting married for the wrong reasons?) Anyway, she finally did make it to the church, and the pastor was just about to marry the couple when, and I’m not joking here, a huge python slid into the chapel and scared everybody senseless. No one was hurt, the python was ejected, and the couple said “okay, that’s enough, we’re not getting married!” But; believe it or not, the priest insisted that they continue! (How many God-fearing reverends do you know that would do that when the couple is obviously in trouble before they ever exchange the rings?) And speaking of rings, once the ceremony continued at the insistence of the priest, the groom refused to hand over the two wedding rings (smart man)! So is that the end? Of course not… the congregation now is bound and determined to force these two kids to marry, so they hand the priest two rings from people who were in attendance of this wedding fiasco. Immediately after this whole thing was over, the unhappy couple removed their rings and threw them away, ending a marriage that lasted just a few minutes.

FUN LIST

HYMNS FOR THOSE WHO LIVE IN THE FAST LANE
45 mph: God Will Take Care of You
55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph: Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph: This World Is Not My Home
95 mph: Lord, I’m Coming Home
Over 100 mph: Precious Memories

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOW THE MODELS STAY SKINNY

Overweight stars, gorgeous models and actresses often use bizarre methods to stay thin and “beautiful.” Patricia Marx, author of the best-selling book, “The Skinny: What Every Skinny Woman Know About Dieting (And Won’t Tell You),” reveals what some women do:

  • Swallow cotton balls dipped in orange juice to make themselves feel full.

  • Wear skimpy clothes in winter weather to make themselves shiver and burn extra calories.

  • Go on intentional crying jags to burn extra calories.

  • Deliberately get intestinal diseases. Some women vacation in underdeveloped countries and drink the local tap water to give themselves an intestinal bug so they can lose weight.

  • Swallow tapeworms so the worms lodge in their intestines and consume calories.

  • Convince doctors they have Attention Deficit Disorder, so they can get drugs like Ritalin and Dexedrine which have a side effect of suppressing hunger.

  • Take Valium to numb the urge to eat.

  • Take over-the-counter sinus medications and energy boosters that contain ephedrine. Many girls believe these drugs help burn calories faster, but side effects can range from nervousness to stroke, heart attacks and even death.

  • Take strange concoctions like lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup or vinegar and water. Girls think these mixtures help them burn calories fast, but they really just make them nauseous.

  • If girls are really desperate to get thin, they can always give me a call… my mother-in-law’s cooking makes me lose my appetite in to time flat.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Living on the Edge is offering a free course on becoming a More Effective Group Leader led by Chip Ingram and Lance Witt. The free training is filled with actionable tools and resources. They say that, if you’re ready to impact the world by developing Christians who really live like Christians, this course might be for you. http://ow.ly/WBRw305ZQLU

A warning for morning zombies: If you need an alarm to wake up in the morning, you may be at risk of weight gain. In a study from Germany, 69 percent of people reported “social jet lag,” a situation in which your daily schedule is at least an hour off your internal body clock. Socially jet lagged folks were three times as likely to be overweight. Sleep times that do not regularly sync up with your body clock may alter metabolism, the researchers say. So give this a try… go to bed an hour early tonight and see if you wake up before the alarm sounds.

If you are on the hunt for a new job, here’s something to keep in mind.  To make a good impression, there is one thing you should never include on your resume: a cute, amusing, hip, witty or clever e-mail address. This type of address looks so unprofessional that it could actually be a career killer, according to Kevin Tamanini, a doctoral candidate in industrial and organizational psychology at Ohio University in Athens. It seems that job candidates with quirky e-mail addresses are rated lower by potential employers than those who have more professional sounding e-mail names.

It’s been scientifically proven that people who get eight hours of sleep each night tend to weigh less than those who don’t but did you ever think that catching your z’s could help you save money? It’s true. Getting enough sleep helps your body maintain a proper hormonal balance and keeps your appetite in check during the day. But shutting off your lights, computer, TV and lowering your thermostat in chilly weather for eight hours will also cut down your energy bills. And that means more money stays in your wallet.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you’ll be surprised at how little you have. –Ernest Haskins

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 18, 2016…

 

The Edge Of Seventeen—Hailee Steinfeld (who now has a singing career, too) stars as a young girl who doesn’t know what to do when her brother begins to date her best friend. Oh, my, what to do? “The Edge of Seventeen” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them—J. K. Rowlings has done it again, and this time, takes her readers to before the events of  “Harry Potter.”  Eddie Redmayne is Newt Scamander who is a magizoologist studying “Nifflers” among other animals. His job is to keep them contained…not that easy.  Also in the cast are Colin Farrell, Dan Fogler and Katherine Waterston. “Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Nocturnal Animals—This movie is based on the book, “Tony and Susan” by Austin Wright.  It tells of a married businesswoman (Amy Adams) who gets a book manuscript from her ex-husband (Jake Gyllenhaal), after many years. Then we become interested in the characters of the novel, are they real? Why this length of time to contact Amy? “Nocturnal Animals” is rated R. Rating of 2 for book fans.

 

The Disappointments Room—Kate Beckinsale can do comedy, as we found in “Love & Friendship,” but here she tackes a haunted house in the Deep South. Her husband (Mel Raido) and Kate move to his home, but is it a mistake? “The Disappointments Room” is rated R. No rating.

 

NOVEMBER 23, 2016…

 

Loving stars Ruth Negga and  Joel Edgerton as a black-white couple who get married in the 1960’s.

 

Allied has Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard as two spies during WWII.

 

Bad Santa 2 stars Billy Bob Thornton as a man trying to ruin Christmas. (Didn’t he already try??)

 

Moana is an animated film with the voice of Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) about an Island girl from 3000 years ago who wants to save her people.

 

Rules Don’t Apply is directed and stars, Warren Beatty, and about Howard Hughes.

 

Lion concerns a young Indian man who wants to trace his ancestry. Stars Dev Patel and Nicole Kidman.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.