November 21, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161121

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite days of the year. I like a holiday you can smell. –HaLife

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.”  –1 Peter 2:2-3

Jeremiah 32:17 = Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.

Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song. — Psalm 95:1-2

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. — Hebrews 11:13

Thought: I’m not good at waiting for much of anything. I’m like the kids who have seen the catalogues for Christmas toys and are anxious for the big gift day. God does have a great Gift Day ahead for us. On that wonderful day, all our waiting will be over and our faith will become sight. Let’s follow the example of these great heroes of faith, and welcome that day from afar, by anticipation, praising God for his victory through Jesus Christ in our lives.

Prayer: Victorious King, Ruler of the Ages, I praise you for the resurrection that lies ahead for me. I thank you in advance for the day I get to see you face to face and join the great celebration of heaven. Until that day, please use me to help others glimpse the character and joy of your great victory. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Acts 11:21 NIV = The Lord’s hand was with them, and a great number of people believed and turned to the Lord.

TODAY IS MONDAY – NOVEMBER 21, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
33 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is PUMPKIN PIE DAY. ***And if you find yourself with extra, well, you know where to find me!

Today is NATIONAL SEARCH FOR THE GIBLET GRAVY RECIPE DAY. ***If you find yourself with extra… keep it!

BETTER CONVERSATION WEEK begins today.  ***Practice up NOW – you’ll need the skills with the family coming during the holidays!

Today is NATIONAL TAKE A HIKE DAY.  ***Not to be confused with “National Tell Someone To Take A Hike Day” which usually comes the day AFTER Thanksgiving.

Today is WORLD HELLO DAY, a day to promote peace by offering a friendly greeting to at least ten people. ***Well, since I have your attention already, “Hello!” (

)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Alascattalo Day

World Television Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22

None Today

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23

Doctor Who Day

Fibonacci Day

International Day to End Impunity For Crimes Against Journalists

International Image Consultant Day

Tie One On Day

National Espresso Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24

Brownielocks Day

Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day

D.B. Cooper Day

National Day of Mourning (Thanksgiving Day)

Thanksgiving Day (USA)

Turkey-Free Thanksgiving

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25

Black Friday

Blase Day

Buy Nothing Day

Flossing Day

Fur Free Friday

International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women Day. (***How about we just call it “Be Nice To Her Day?” Wouldn’t that be easier?)

International Hat Day

Maize Day

National Day of Listening

National Native American Heritage Day

Shopping Reminder Day

Sinkie Day

You’re Welcomegiving Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26

World Day of Giving

Small Business Saturday

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27

NONE TODAY

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28

Cider Monday

Cyber Monday

ON THIS DAY

1877: Thomas Edison announced he had invented the phonograph. ***But he announced it live instead of Memorex.

1934: A teenager, dressed in borrowed clothes and men’s shoes, won Amateur Night at New York’s Apollo Theater. After fumbling her first song, Ella Fitzgerald started again and wowed the audience with “Object of My Affection” and “Judy.”

1944: “The Roy Rogers Show” premiered on the Mutual Broadcasting System. The “King of the Cowboys” sang with the Whippoorwills and the Sons of the Pioneers.

1944: Harry James and his Orchestra recorded “I’m Beginning to See the Light,” which would become the band’s theme song. The vocalist was Kitty Kallen.

1974: The U.S. Congress passed the Freedom of Information Act, over-riding President Gerald Ford’s veto.

1976: Vernon Bass of Sarasota, Florida, ate 684 oysters in 20 minutes. It was a world record back then, but volume oyster eating is no longer a Guinness-sanctioned record event.

1977: Five Canadian ski patrolmen set a record in British Columbia by giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for 60 hours to a mannequin. ***The good news is the mannequin survived and now has a healthy, well-adjusted life modeling women’s springtime apparel.

1980: Having been cliff-hung for five months, an estimated 82-million Americans, 80% of all viewers, tuned in to see “Who Shot J.R.?” ***SPOILER ALERT – it was Sue Ellen’s sister, the jilted mistress Kristin Shepard!

1991: Congress authorized the purchase of $70-million worth of combat boots even though U.S. supply depots were over-stocked by two million pairs.

1993: Actor Bill Bixby died of cancer at age 59. His TV series were My Favorite Martian, The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, and The Incredible Hulk.

1995: British Airways Captain Rex Gravely received a Royal SPCA plaque for diverting a jumbo jet 1,000 miles to save a miniature Shitzu dog named Louise. When the jet’s cargo-hold over-heated, 200 passengers voted to divert the Houston-to-London flight to Boston to save the dog.

1996: Cathy Mullikin of Jackson, Tennessee, cooked her Thanksgiving turkey a week early, and she may not have been the only one. Cathy was one of 40-thousand people who got a free 1996 calendar from the county hospital that showed Thanksgiving on the wrong Thursday. ***Hard to be thankful about that.

2003: A British tourist accidentally ordered a $1,702 bottle of wine in a Prague restaurant. Andy Freegard was dining with girlfriend Helen Kelly when he picked a Chateau Margaux 1987 Premier Grand Cru Classe which in the dark restaurant he thought was $34. He got worried when waiters started flocking to his table to sniff the cork. Once opened, the wine couldn’t be sent back, so the couple “tried to enjoy it” — at $85 a sip.

2004: The NBA suspended Indiana’s Ron Artest for the rest of the season following a brawl at the end of a game against the Detroit Pistons.

2007: York County, Pennsylvania police reported disrupting a slumber party after a store employee reported seven teenage girls purchasing large amounts of toilet paper. While the teens papered a school in the area. a security camera had grabbed a license plate number. Police showed up at the slumber party later that night and the mom and teens confessed. The mom, who had driven her daughter and six other girls, was cited for disorderly conduct, and said she had learned her lesson, that trying to be a friend instead of a parent was a mistake. The six teens were taken home and placed in the custody of their parents. No word on who cleaned up the school.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1638: A General Assembly at Glasgow abolished the episcopal form of church government, adopted the presbyterian form in its place, and gave final constitution to the Church of Scotland.

1852: Union Institute was chartered by the Methodists in Randolph County, NC. Renamed Trinity College in 1859, the campus moved to Durham in 1892. Tobacco magnate James B. Duke endowed the school with $40 million in 1924, upon which its name was changed to Duke University.

1907: Birth of Jim Bishop, American journalist. He gave new life to great historical moments through his “day” books, including his 1957 chronicle of “The Day Christ Died.”

1943: German theologian and Nazi martyr Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote in a letter: ‘A prison cell, in which one waits, hopes…and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent.’

1948: The Sunday morning religious program “Lamp Unto My Feet” first aired over CBS television. It became one of TV’s longest-running network shows, and aired through January 1979.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Contact, Saved, American Girl, Pride & Prejudice) Jena Malone 32

  • actress (“Knots Landing”, The Spiral Staircase, “Desperate Housewives”) Nicollette Sheridan 53 (audio clip)

  • actress (“Laugh-In”, Private Benjamin, Death Becomes Her) Goldie Hawn 71

  • actress (“That Girl” 1966-1971) Marlo Thomas is 78 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Coleman Hawkins

1907 : Buck Ram

1933 : Jean Shepard

1940 : Dr. John; Born Malcolm John Rebennack Jr. in New Orleans, Louisiana.

1941 : David Porter

1942 : Andrew Love (The Memphis Horns)

1948 : Lonnie Jordan (War)

1948 : “Rabbit” Bundrick (Free)

1949 : Randy Zehringer

1950 : Livingston Taylor

1950 : Gary Pihl (Boston)

1952 : Lorna Luft

1955 : Peter Koppes (The Church)

1962 : Stephen Curtis Chapman

1965 : Björk

1967 : Margret Ornolfsdottir (The Sugarcubes)

1968 : Alex James (Blur)

1974 : Kelsi Osborn (SheDaisy)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How do they choose a new Pope?

You know, I was born and raised Catholic, and didn’t know any of this until just now! The Pope is chosen by the College of Cardinals, the members of which meet, pray, deliberate and vote in the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican. It’s all work and no play when it comes to the voting process. By tradition the Cardinals are isolated from the outside world and swear an oath of secrecy because in the Middle Ages secular rulers tried to influence their deliberations. Their living accommodations and even their food are kept plain because a conclave centuries ago turned boisterous. The winning candidate must receive one more than a two-thirds majority. When a vote does not produce a clear choice, the ballots are burned with a chemical that produces black smoke. The ballots that finally produce a Pope are burned to produce a white smoke. Isn’t that charming! In the age of the Internet, the results of the world’s most important election are conveyed to the outside world by smoke signals!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Switchfoot and Relient K announced this week that they’ve been enjoying their co-headlining tour so much that they’ll be extending it into a second leg in 2017. According to New Release Today, Switchfoot posted, “Our nation needs hope and healing more than ever-playing these songs of healing every night with our friends Relient K has brought such beautiful moments to life.” They added “In fact, we want to extend the tour and bring these songs to a few of our favorite cities that we missed along the way.” The first edition of the tour wraps up at the end of this month. “Still Looking For America 2our,” is scheduled to begin on January 21.

Mandisa is hard at work on her first album in several years. She posted: When you’re on the road, but you need to record vocals for your next album, what do you do? You grab your band and any of their singin’ friends, throw them in an empty dressing room and ask them to sing! You can check out a sneak peek of the song on Mandisa’s Instagram page. https://instagram.com/p/BM3B34xBEgL/

A sad day this week for Ryan Stevenson. He posted this week that, after 8 years on the road and hundreds of thousands of miles, his trusty travel bag was finally laid to rest. Ryan admitted: kinda silly how a bag can be a source of comfort, and hard to part with.

How long does it take to play a game of checkers? Lauren Daigle says it can take a long time. She and three friends sat down to play as they ate supper this week. Lauren says it took an intense two and a half hours to complete the game.

While many artists are posting pictures of their Christmas decorations Mark Schultz is a little bit behind. He posted a picture and added: six weeks from Christmas and we still have Fourth of July decorations around the house.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BM2lg5BjIue/

Ryan Stevenson has played in front of some big crowds. But this week he was on the other side of the fence. Ryan posted a picture with Mercyme’s Bart Millard and posted: Finally got a chance to meet one of my all time favorites! Bart has been a inspiration for many years! such an awesome guy!

Milo is getting an early start on his broadcasting career. He joined is parents, Love and the Outcome members Chris and Jodi, at a radio stop and Chris posted a picture of Milo with a death grip on the studio mic. Chris added: Milo had some very important things to say.

Thanksgiving is less than one week away. If you’ve spent all your time planning for the turkey and haven’t given any thought to side dishes MSN Lifestyle can help. The web site has developed a list of the 105 best Thanksgiving Side dishes, complete with recipes. Check out the list and pick your favorites at http://bit.ly/2fEh2jj

The members of We Are Messengers are nearly half way to their goal of raising $20,000 to purchase a bus for the band. Recently Darren, the front man of the Irish worship band, shared: We have played almost 200 shows this year and this has taken its toll on our family. It is so terribly hard to leave them behind and as a father and husband I believe my family must be my priority. Darren says a bus would allow him to bring his family and the rest of the We Are Messengers team on the road. You can help. Find out more about the fund raiser for the bus at https://www.gofundme.com/2t6fyw4

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Okay this creepy clown nonsense is getting out of hand and apparently spreading. In Leicestershire, England, a teenage boy dressed as a creepy clown jumped out in front of a pregnant woman to scare her. It worked. So much so that she went into early labor! While she was only at eight months, the baby came early but both mother and the baby are doing okay. ***Granted, this isn’t the smartest thing to do – but I can totally see dads-to-be hiring clowns to visit their wives who are past their due date!

President-elect Trump enjoys the immediate feedback of speaking at rallies and reportedly wants to continue holding them even after he’s inaugurated and living in the White House.  ***So basically we’ve just reelected Barack Obama.

Residents of a Manhattan apartment complex have voted to remove the sign off their building that says “Trump.”  ***You do realize that removing the “Trump” sign doesn’t change the fact that you are still one of his residents, right?

 This Thursday is Thanksgiving, but the day before, November 23, is Hanksgiving. Hanksgiving is a day to give thanks for one of the world’s most beloved actors, Tom Hanks.  ***Surprisingly, there are no Hanksgiving sales – no discounts on Wilson volleyballs, no buy-one-get-one-free sales on Toy Story figures… not even a free reading from Zoltar.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a study from the University of Texas, the best food to eat after working out is a bowl of healthy cereal with non-fat milk.  ***Or you can dip your energy bar in Gatorade.

The current fitness wisdom is that to build muscle size, you need to lift heavy weights. But a new study at Canada’s McMaster University found that a similar degree of muscle bulk can be achieved by using lighter weights. The secret is not the size of the weight you lift, but stimulating muscles and pumping iron until your muscles become fatigued.  ***So if I lift slice of pizza to my mouth dozens of times, it’s like being Arnold Schwarzenegger! 

A survey asked 300 workers to name their biggest time wasters. Only five percent respondents cited Facebook, Twitter or another social media platform as their number one time waster. The biggest culprit in the wasting of time: chatting with coworkers.  ***A close second – chatting with co-workers… on Facebook and Twitter. 

Researchers from the University of Virginia report that old age begins in our late 20s. After testing a group of men and women over a seven-year period, the scientists determined that our mental abilities start to decline at age 27, after peaking at 22.  *** And I was a complete moron at the age of 22.  Thank goodness for radio!

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Court Hearing”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kenn Kington, “Paid To Do Whatever You Want”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was busy composing beautiful classical music in his tree house. He was working hard to come up with just the right tune, and he was about to share his new composition with Sully the Aardvark!

CLOSE: Boy, that Steve Mozart really must be a talented guy! Sounds like Millard may be a bit envious of Mozart’s skills and talents. C’mon, let’s face it… it’s not that easy to compose great classical music. Or find Waldo for that matter! Tune in next time to see what happens, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 26/27

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature. Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it. In fact, this could all be just a big joke! There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…

CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints! It’s a giant gorilla! What will happen to Millard? Will he really be eaten? And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

BUTTERBALL HOTLINE

Butterball is on the web: http://butterball.com. Here’s their famous turkey talk line, manned 9am-7pm EST: 800-288-8372 through December 23rd. Here are some of the more memorable calls that have come in:

  • There was the guy who called from the 14th tee to ask questions about how to cook his turkey.

  • The Virginia woman who asked how to thaw a fresh turkey. Fresh turkeys aren’t frozen, and therefore don’t have to be thawed.

  • Or the guy who asked, “I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half, will it take longer to thaw?”

  • Or, how about the woman who called to ask how long it would take to roast her turkey, but when she was asked how much the bird weighed, she replied “I don’t know, it’s still running around the back yard.

  • Then there’s the best of the best. A Kentucky woman called to say while she was preparing her turkey, her pet chihuahua had jumped into the bird’s body cavity and couldn’t get out! She tried pulling the dog, shaking the bird, but nothing worked! After calming the woman down, the turkey line lady suggested carefully cutting the opening of the cavity wider. The dog escaped! No word on whether or not they ate the bird.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WORST STUFFING INGREDIENTS

  • Asbestos

  • Healthy Feast Tofu Bluffin’ Stuffin’

  • Fluffers’ spittoon contents

  • Garbage from the state prison

  • Burned out-light bulbs

  • Krazy Glue

  • Losing lottery tickets

  • Feathers

  • Gasoline-soaked dynamite

  • Fromunda cheese

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A love of word games can sometimes pay off in your career… especially if you’re a prison guard!

FILE #1: While reviewing inmate mail at the St. Lucie County Jail, a deputy came across a letter written in a code made up completely of symbols, dashes and asterisks. A crossword junkie and hangman game lover, Debra Wesley couldn’t resist. About 90 minutes later, she had figured out that the letter was written and signed by inmate Robert A. Heike, and that he wanted an outside accomplice to toss a tote bag containing a pair of wire cutters, a change of clothes and a garbage bag into the jail’s recreation yard. When authorities confronted Heike with the letter, he was dumbfounded. He exclaimed, “It took me four years to create this code! You solved it in an hour and a half?” ***MARLAR: Hey… he’s in prison. He obviously wasn’t that bright to begin with!

FILE #2: The law is the law… whether you think that law is for the birds or not. And Helen Smith thinks that one particular law in her neighborhood really is for the birds… or AGAINST the birds… against her… whatever. Anyway, Mrs. Smith is scheduled to go before a judge because she has been cited for feeding the birds. She does it in her own yard… the same yard she’s done it in since she was a little girl… and now she’s 86 years old. But, no matter, it’s against city code to feed the birds so she’s going to court. If found guilty she could be fined up to $1,000. Of course, Mrs. Smith thinks the law is the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard, but her neighbors are complaining that the feedings are also attracting rodents and causing unsanitary conditions.

FILE #3: Two Kansas City men should have heeded the words ‘Thou shalt not steal’ before they robbed Reverend Tony R. Caldwell. The two men asked to speak with the reverend after they had been kicked out of a church program that provides food and shelter to men who are homeless or recently released from jail. The conversation quickly turned into a holdup, but the reverend told them he was short of cash, so he offered to write each man a check for $150. The men agreed and the pastor told them he needed the correct spellings of their names in order to write the checks. Yes, those were the same names he passed on to the police and now they’ll have another chance at the reverend’s post-jail program in a few months.

STRANGE LAW: In Portland, Maine, it is illegal to tickle a girl under the chin with a feather duster.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A highly intoxicated Chicago man faces several charges after driving up to a nuclear power plant in search of gasoline. Police say it was the second time in two weeks that a drunken motorist mistakenly pulled up to a security checkpoint. The nuclear power plant is located about 60 miles southwest of Chicago. The man failed a Breathalyzer test and was later charged with DUI and entering a controlled-access area.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the worst food dish that has ever been brought to your Thanksgiving dinner?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: One of Joseph’s brothers said, “Let us not kill him.” Who was that brother?
ANSWER: Reuben (Genesis 37:21-23)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s the capitol of Turkey?

ANSWER: Ankara

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The settlers at the first Thanksgiving called themselves “Pilgrims.” (False: they didn’t refer to themselves as Pilgrims, they called themselves “Saints”.)

2. The first Thanksgiving was three days of games, drinking, gambling and target shooting with English muskets. (True. By the way, the shooting contest was a friendly warning to the Indians that the Pilgrims were prepared to defend themselves.)

3. The first Thanksgiving actually wasn’t in November. (True: it was actually some time between late September and the middle of October, after the harvest had been brought in.)

4. The Pilgrims wore large hats with buckles on them. (False: seems the 19th century artists who painted them that way did so because they associated black clothing and big buckles with being old-fashioned.)

5. There was no turkey at the first Thanksgiving. (True! They ate deer. So why did we ever change that tradition? Do we have Bambi to blame for it?)

6. The reason the turkey didn’t make it to the table on that first Thanksgiving was that the bird was considered sacred to Native Americans. (False: actually, turkey meat was a staple in the diet of many Indian tribes.)

7. The second Thanksgiving a year later was even bigger than the first. (False: in fact, the Pilgrims skipped Thanksgiving the next year. The harvest was a flop in 1622, plus a whole bunch of new Pilgrims showed up, and had to be fed and housed through the winter.)

8. Benjamin Franklin thought that the turkey should be our national bird. (True!)

9. The heaviest turkey ever was 63-pounds. (False: the heaviest turkey ever raised may have been the 75-pound turkey raised by a turkey farming company in 1967.)

10. The Apache had no respect for the turkey. (True: they thought the bird was so timid they wouldn’t even use the feathers on their arrows.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Elementary School Bans _______ at Recess!”  (RUNNING)


It’s Hillfort Primary School in Cornwall, England where the head teacher has banned children from running from one side of the playground to the other. While the school says it has reduced injuries, parents say they’ve gone crazy.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

JOKE #2

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asks gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

JOKE #3

A Texan died and ascended into Heaven.

St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying “You will certainly enjoy Paradise.”

The Texan shook his head sadly and said “I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise.”

St. Peter said “Well, let me show you what we have to offer.” He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. “Isn’t this beautiful?” said St. Peter.

The Texan replied, “Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO.”

Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere.  “Now” said St. Peter “Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?”

The Texan paused and said “Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in  the springtime.”

Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky.  “Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas” said St. Peter.

The Texan smiled and said “I guess you’ve never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND”.

At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock.  On the side of the rock was a huge iron door.  St.  Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down.

As they descended, it grew more and more hot.  When the elevator door opened, it revealed the fires of damnation-Hell.  St. Peter said, “Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?”

The Texan thought a moment and shook his head.  “No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you.”

USELESS FACTS

It’s estimated that last year over 300,000 people got sick from eating bad Thanksgiving leftovers. ***Which totally ruined their 4th of July picnics.

In a Disney comic called “Mickey Mouse and the Medicine Man”, Goofy and Mickey become drug dealers.  ***Which kind of explains why Goofy is so slow on the uptake.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THINGS PEOPLE WISH FOR WITH THEIR THANKSGIVING WISHBONE

  • That I go an entire week without hearing the word, “Kardashian”

  • That my pants were two sizes bigger

  • That more than 10-minutes of Saturday Night Live was funny

  • That the green part of the turkey is food coloring

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

STRESSED OUT TURKEYS?

The National Farmers Union in London has determined that turkeys who are under less stress are less likely to carry diseases. To alleviate the stress of turkeys, they have started playing CDs for them with soothing sounds such as birds singing.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE UNEXPECTED KINDNESS OF A STRANGER

As I approached the front door of our public library, a white-haired gentleman stepped back to hold the door for me. You see, I have to go everywhere these days with a walker, and folks are constantly holding or opening doors for me, so this was not unusual.
However, I told the gentleman that the door had an automatic opener, and he did not need to stay to hold it open. He said “Here I thought I would have an opportunity to be useful.”
At that, I backed up, let the door close, and allowed him to reopen the door, this time using the automatic control. His comment then was “Well, now I feel like I have accomplished something helpful and worthwhile today.”
We never know, do we, how someone else is feeling… we seniors seem to feel we can take care of ourselves at all times. That random act of Kindness brightened not only my day, but to my joy and delight, also the day of that kind, gentle, white-haired senior citizen. I felt a glow for the rest of the day, and, hopefully, so did he!
So, gentle readers, never hesitate to offer kindness… you may find to your amazement that there is more kindness in your community than you ever believe possible.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

TURNING PAIN INTO PRAISE

As you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation. —2 Corinthians 1:7

After years of a remarkable and  fruitful ministry in India, Amy Carmichael became a bedridden sufferer. As the courageous founder and dynamic heart of the Dohnavur Fellowship, she had been instrumental in rescuing hundreds of girls and boys from a terrible life of sexual servitude. While she carried on her rescue operation of bringing young people into spiritual freedom through faith in Jesus Christ, she wrote books and poems that are still blessing readers around the world. Then arthritis made Amy a pain-wracked invalid. Did she bemoan her affliction or question God? No. Amy was still the guiding inspiration of Dohnavur, and she still kept on writing. Her meditations, letters, and poems are filled with praise to God and encouragement to her fellow pilgrims. When affliction strikes us, how do we react? Are we embittered, or do we trustfully appropriate God’s sustaining grace? (2 Cor. 12:9). And do we prayerfully encourage those around us by our Spirit-enabled cheerfulness, our courage, and our confidence in God? When we rely on the Lord, He will help us turn pain into praise. —Vernon C Grounds

Can God trust you with sorrow,
With anguish, and with pain,
Or would your faith soon falter
And faint beneath the strain?  —Nicholson

Praise is the song of a soul set free.

LEFTOVERS

THE TWELVE DAYS OF THANKSGIVING (or what seems like years)

  • On the first day: We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

  • On the second day: We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

  • On the third day: We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

  • On the fourth day: We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we’d be celebrating Thanksgiving in April.

  • On the fifth day: We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of naked turkey carcass.

  • On the sixth day: We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

  • On the seventh day: We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

  • On the eighth day: The word “vegetarian” keeps popping into our heads.

  • On the ninth day: We check our hair to make sure we’re not beginning to sprout feathers.

  • On the tenth day: We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

  • On the eleventh day: We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

  • On the twelfth day: We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HELPFUL HOLIDAY TRAVEL TIPS

  • Mark all of your luggage with bright stickers that say, “NO HAND LOTION” in bold letters so airport personnel will not waste valuable time searching it.

  • Plan out a quicker route to your destination using Google maps. Then, rush up to the cabin to present it to the Captain as soon as your plane is in the air (although you may need to bang loudly on the cockpit door to get his attention.)

  • In the event of severe turbulence, try to calm your fellow passengers with a joke, such as, “What’s white, shaky, and is about to crash?”

  • Passengers are not allowed to smoke on most airlines. There are no rules, however, about stepping outside to smoke once the plane is in the air, so feel free.

JUST FOR FUN

CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING TRIVIA

  • What does Snoopy serve for Thanksgiving? (Toast, pretzels, popcorn, jellybeans)

  • Who hollered at Charlie Brown for such a lousy Thanksgiving dinner? (Peppermint Patty)

  • What is Peppermint Patty’s real name? (Priscilla)

  • What time is Charlie Brown supposed to be at grandmother’s house? (4:30pm)

  • What kind of car do the kids ride in, to grandmother’s house? (a station wagon)

  • Where does Charlie Brown’s grandmother live? (in a condominium)

  • After everyone has gone, what dessert does Snoopy and Woodstock share? (pumpkin pie with whipped cream)

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR SUV IS TOO BIG…

  • The last time you took your kids to a Monster Truck pull the parking attendants directed you right onto the stadium racetrack.

  • When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five dollars a share for the quarter.

  • One of those “Oversize Load” escort trucks has to precede you down the interstate.

  • Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as “downsizing.”

  • It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into orbit.

  • There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back.

  • It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.

  • Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.

  • You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.

  • The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.

  • Mortgage payment = $2200.  Texaco card minimum monthly payment = $2201.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

KIDS’ TURKEY RECIPES

Mrs. Dee Morrison took the 25 kindergarten students from Howells, Nebraska, Public School to the Burenheide Turkey Farm. After they returned, she asked the students how to prepare the turkeys for Thanksgiving Dinner.

  • Derek: Pet him. You have to hold him. Feed him. Cut their stuff up and get the meat. Then you have to throw the skin in the junk pile. Burn it up. Put the turkey in a pan. Get the bones out. Look at him. Just have fun with it. Cook it about 10 minutes. (Pet him and then cut him up… but have fun with it. Does anyone else see this kid behind bars someday?)

  • Jessica: I’d like to have a turkey party. We’ll have Chicken Turkey. You cut it all up. Then we get some Pizza Hut. Then I’ll play in the dark. Sometimes I ride my bike. (I’m guessing Jessica is on Ritalin for her Attention Deficit Disorder.)

  • Jacie: We butcher it. Take a knife and butcher it. Go down to my grandpa’s and butcher it. My mom cooks it 10 minutes. Then we eat it. Fix peas. Grandpa and Grandma will come to eat it. We wash up our hands. We watch TV. Moms and dads talk and then we go home. (Sounds like Jacie is more interested in the butchering than anything else. Maybe we should save a jail cell for her too.)

  • Carly: Pull off the feathers. Cut him up. Bake him. Cut all the guts out. Then cut the beak off and that red stuff and the feet. I’d say cook him 12 minutes. Set the oven on hot. Get his bones out. (Carly must like horror movies, you think?)

  • Cody: Butcher it. Take a sharp knife and butcher it. Cook it in the oven an hour. (Right?) You wash dishes. Eat him. Then you put the dishes away. We go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. We go and play. The dads talk about tractors. The moms talk about baby Darin. Then we go home. Then dad takes a nap. (Only one comment… I am NOT a baby, and if Cody calls me one again I’m telling my mother.)

  • Kenny: Get it out of the field. Kill it with a gun. Cook him and then eat him. Put him in the stove. Put his wings on him. Cook him 5 minutes. Go get corn out of the field. Eat corn and turkey. (Kenny says to cook him and then eat him, and then put him in the stove. But if we follow his advice, that means we’ve eaten a raw bird, and must then throw ourselves into the oven to cook it. No thanks, Kenny.)

  • A.J.: Catch ‘um. Kill him. Shoot him or stab him with a knife. Cook him 30 minutes in the stove. We will know it is done by the smoke detector. Eat him. Fix a pheasant, cornbread and milk. Fix pumpkin pie. All of us set the table. (We will know it’s done by the smoke detector… hey, that sounds like my house growing up!)

  • Tela: Shoot it. Put it in the pickup. Drive it home. Take the feathers off. Put the feathers in a bag. Then we can put them in the ripped pillow at home. Cook it 45 seconds. Fix dip and vegetables. (I’m not clear here… are we cooking the turkey, or the ripped pillow? Regardless, how can it be done in 45 seconds? Are we using a microwave?)

  • Mitchell: Kill ‘um. Butcher ‘um. Catch ‘um. Cut him in half. Cook him. Put him in a big pan. Cook him in the house 10 minutes in the fry pan. Look at the clock to see if he is done. Cut him up. Fix roast. (According to Mitchell we kill him, butcher him and cut him in half… and then we cut him up again after he’s cooked. Apparently they eat Turkey nuggets at Thanksgiving.)

  • Sidney: Buy one at Bill’s. Bake it 30 minutes. When it buzzes, it is done. Eat it with corn, mashed potatoes, green beans, pumpkin pie and Kool Aid. After we eat, we play. The moms will do the dishes. The dads will watch the football game. (You know, I don’t remember ever hearing any of the turkey’s buzzing when they were done cooking at my house. Maybe we bought the cheap ones.)

  • Kourtney: First, catch a turkey. Tear the feathers off. Throw the feathers in the trash. Put sugar or something on it. Put it in the oven for 6 hours. Mom will know when it is done. Then we eat. Maybe we need more than 1 turkey. (Girl after my own heart.)

  • Chelsea: I pet the turkey. Shoot him with a gun. Cook him in a microwave. And take him out and eat him. Cut the turkey and chicken up. Drink water or milk. Eat it all. Watch TV. Then sleep. (I pet the turkey, shoot him with a gun. I’m seeing many sessions with a psychiatrist later in life for poor Chelsea here.)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Butterball’s Turkey Talk Line is 1-800-288-8372, or you can find them online at Butterball.com.  You can also call the USDA Meat and Poultry Hotline at 1-800-535-4555 or the Perdue Consumer Help Line at 1-800-473-7383.  If you need help with the turkey that won’t get up off the couch, well, you’re on your own.

If you’re having one of those days when you feel a little low, not only should you pray… but you can also wash your troubles away. Literally. University of Michigan researchers have determined that just washing your hands with warm water and plenty of soap not only cleans your hands, but also your psyche — making you feel better. “Cleansing is about the removal of residues,” said study leader Spike W.S. Lee. By washing the hands, taking a shower or even thinking of doing so, “people can rid themselves of a sense of immorality, lucky or unlucky feelings, or doubt about a decision. The bodily experience of removing physical residues can provide the basis of removing more abstract mental residues.”  Better yet, pray while you’re in the shower and clean yourself inside and out!

In Phoenix, 17-year-old Jamal Hinton got a text from an unknown number inviting him to Thanksgiving dinner. The texter identified herself as “your grandma,” but Jamal wanted a photo “to make sure.” They exchanged selfies, which cleared things up pretty quickly, but Jamal wondered: “Can I still get a plate tho?” The grandma, later identified as Wanda from Mesa, Arizona, replied: “Of course you can. That’s what grandma’s do…feed everyone.” Well the Twiterverse fell in love with the whole exchange and began retweeting like crazy. And while Wanda had to change her phone number after her texts went viral — Jamal is in talks with Wanda’s actual grandson to make an appearance for the holiday. “Another plate on Thanksgiving is always great,” he says. (Buzz Feed)

Disney World is ditching the fireworks for drones this holiday season. Yesterday (Nov. 20, Disney and Intel launched the Starbright Holidays Drone Show, which they’re billing as the world’s largest drone LED show. Instead of carefully-orchestrated fireworks shooting hundreds of feet into the air to create images of a flag, flower or intersecting circles, 300 Intel drones shine 4 billion different colors in the night sky.  I’ve never visited a Disney park, but now I’m really wanting to just to check this out! http://on.mash.to/2f5Xd7e

A movement called “Ukraine without Orphans” is shutting down orphanages in Ukraine. So many families are choosing to adopt the children in the Ukrainian orphanages that it is reducing the need for orphanages in the country. Officials says the church in Ukraine isn’t just sending toys or clothes to children. They’re not sponsoring children or starting new educational programs – instead, they’re giving the children families.  http://dlvr.it/MgtDym

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

What do atheists do for Thanksgiving; join hands around the table and say, “Thank you, Paine-Webber?”

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 18, 2016…

The Edge Of Seventeen—Hailee Steinfeld (who now has a singing career, too) stars as a young girl who doesn’t know what to do when her brother begins to date her best friend. Oh, my, what to do? “The Edge of Seventeen” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them—J. K. Rowlings has done it again, and this time, takes her readers to before the events of  “Harry Potter.”  Eddie Redmayne is Newt Scamander who is a magizoologist studying “Nifflers” among other animals. His job is to keep them contained…not that easy.  Also in the cast are Colin Farrell, Dan Fogler and Katherine Waterston. “Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Nocturnal Animals—This movie is based on the book, “Tony and Susan” by Austin Wright.  It tells of a married businesswoman (Amy Adams) who gets a book manuscript from her ex-husband (Jake Gyllenhaal), after many years. Then we become interested in the characters of the novel, are they real? Why this length of time to contact Amy? “Nocturnal Animals” is rated R. Rating of 2 for book fans.

The Disappointments Room—Kate Beckinsale can do comedy, as we found in “Love & Friendship,” but here she tackes a haunted house in the Deep South. Her husband (Mel Raido) and Kate move to his home, but is it a mistake? “The Disappointments Room” is rated R. No rating.

NOVEMBER 23, 2016…

Loving stars Ruth Negga and  Joel Edgerton as a black-white couple who get married in the 1960’s.

Allied has Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard as two spies during WWII.

Bad Santa 2 stars Billy Bob Thornton as a man trying to ruin Christmas. (Didn’t he already try??)

Moana is an animated film with the voice of Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) about an Island girl from 3000 years ago who wants to save her people.

Rules Don’t Apply is directed and stars, Warren Beatty, and about Howard Hughes.

Lion concerns a young Indian man who wants to trace his ancestry. Stars Dev Patel and Nicole Kidman.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.