November 22, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)




I need to start today with some important late-breaking news from the (COUNTY) Health Department. Today’s designated smoking area is (LOCAL CITY).


“He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. –Job 9:9

Psalm 32:7 

You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. For in him you have been enriched in every way – in all your speaking and in all your knowledge. — 1 Corinthians 1:4-5

I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me. — Exodus 20:2-3



“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” — John 11:21

Thought: If you have ever stood at the grave side of a loved one, this thought probably crossed your mind, too — if you had only been here, Lord! Where is Jesus when we hurt? Why couldn’t he be here to help us? There are a couple of crucial answers to remember. First, Jesus is with us in our moments of loss and grief. The Church is Jesus’ Body and every act of kindness, support, comfort, and help is Jesus working to alleviate our grief. Second, while he may not have kept our loved one from passing from this life to the next, he has been the abiding and unbroken presence for each Christian who has died physically. Paul reminds us that when a Christian dies, he or she goes to be with Christ (2 Cor. 5:6-7; Phil. 1:21-23) and God’s loving presence is never lost to him or her (Rom. 8:35-39)!

Prayer: Holy Father, please help me see Jesus’ ministering presence in my times of loss and grief. Help me see him in the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit who abides in me. Help me see him in the acts of love and kindness your people do to help me. In addition, dear Father, please help me see ways that I can serve as Jesus’ presence to someone else who is experiencing grief. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Mark 11:22 NIV = “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered.


(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)

Today is NATIONAL STOP THE VIOLENCE DAY, when many radio and TV stations call for a one-day cease-fire on America’s streets. ***Ironically, this is Fall Sweeps, when the television networks will be airing more shocking and violent programming for ratings. Good timing, huh?

This is BETTER CONVERSATIONS WEEK. ***How are we supposed to do that if we won’t have violent TV programming to talk about?

Today is START YOUR OWN COUNTRY DAY. You just can’t pass up an opportunity like this, can you? My new country will be known as MARLARON.  I thought about calling it MARLARIA – but that obviously has some problems, so I’m going with MARLARON. Anyway, I (of course) will be King.  “Marlaron” will not be a Republic or a Democracy… because I want to change my mind about anything I want at any time, including the name of my country. Of course, if you’re going to start your own country you have to have a few rules, right? Feel free to send your own ideas for new laws if you’d like, but it’s my country and I get final say as to what gets drafted into laws. Here’s the current list of laws…


  • We will borrow from the U.S. the First Amendment – freedom of speech and freedom of religion.  However, we will specify that “freedom of religion” does not mean “freedom FROM religion”.  So if you don’t like our money saying “In God We Trust,” if you’re offended by the Ten Commandments being displayed in government buildings, or if you don’t like prayers before a football game, before meetings of government leaders, or in the classroom – tough.  Go live somewhere else.

  • License plate numbers on all vehicles will be the phone number to the cell phone of the person driving the vehicle.  That way you can call him and tell him to stop driving like a maniac. License plates will be required on front and back of all vehicles so you can also bawl-out the guy who’s tailgating you too. Due to this law, we will also have the law that all vehicles will be equipped with hands-free cell phone use. We don’t mind you cursing out the other guy on the road – but we want you to be a responsible driver while doing so.

  • No personal property taxes… period.  Continuing to pay money to the government just so you have the right to continue ownership of something you’ve already paid for is immoral.

  • The National Food will be Chocolate… and it must be available in some form at every evening meal.

  • The Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of Marlaron (very similar to the American pledge) will not only be used in the classroom, but will be required at the beginning of each school day, including the words, “Under God” – and I’ll also be adding words to the pledge to enforce that we are a “sovereign” nation.

  • Government buildings and schools are required to display the Ten Commandments and will also be required to live by them. Not only is this a moral decision, but also entertaining as we try to watch politicians survive while obeying commandments such as “Thou Shalt Not Lie” and “Thou Shalt Not Covet”.

  • Except for rare parody instances, all Christmas songs recorded or played in MARLARON will be required to keep their original lyrics rather than replacing them with politically correct terms.  Songs such as “Oh Turkey Dear” (instead of “Oh Christmas Tree”) or “We Wish You a Happy Season” (rather than “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”) will be banned – and teachers attempting to introduce such songs into the classroom with the intention of replacing the originals will be suspended until after Christmas without pay and be required to act in a live nativity scene on school grounds for students, teachers, and passers-by to see — so all may reflect on the true meaning of the holiday.

Marlaron’s main exports will be:

  • Uneducated Teens to work at Fast Food restaurants.


None Today

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)


Doctor Who Day

Fibonacci Day

International Day to End Impunity For Crimes Against Journalists

International Image Consultant Day

Tie One On Day

National Espresso Day


Brownielocks Day

Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day

D.B. Cooper Day

National Day of Mourning (Thanksgiving Day)

Thanksgiving Day (USA)

Turkey-Free Thanksgiving


Black Friday

Blase Day

Buy Nothing Day

Flossing Day

Fur Free Friday

International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women Day. (***How about we just call it “Be Nice To Her Day?” Wouldn’t that be easier?)

International Hat Day

Maize Day

National Day of Listening

National Native American Heritage Day

Shopping Reminder Day

Sinkie Day

You’re Welcomegiving Day


World Day of Giving

Small Business Saturday




Cider Monday

Cyber Monday


Electronic Greetings Day

Giving Tuesday

International Day of Solidarity With The Palestinian People

Square Dancing Day


Computer Security Day

National Meth Awareness Day

Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting

Stay Home Because You’re Well Day


1873: American lawyer Horatio Spafford’s four daughters drowned when their passenger ship sank after it collided with another vessel in the Atlantic. The following month, as his own ship passed over the spot of the tragedy, Spafford wrote the words to the hymn, “It is Well With My Soul.”

1917: The National Hockey League was founded with five teams: Montreal Canadiens, Montreal Maroons, Toronto Arenas, Quebec Bulldogs, and Ottawa Senators.

1922: At the height of Prohibition the ship City of Dresden foundered at Port Rowan, Ontario, and spilled 30,000 fifths of bottled whiskey into Lake Erie. As the bottles washed ashore, area farmers stashed away lifetime supplies.

1950: In the lowest-scoring game in NBA history, the Fort Wayne Pistons beat the Minneapolis Lakers 19 to 18. With no 24-second clock in those days, the Pistons stalled the entire game to keep the more talented Lakers from scoring. It worked.

1955: Elvis Presley received a $5,000 bonus for signing with RCA records and spent it all on a new Cadillac, a pink one, for his mother.

1963: U.S. President John F. Kennedy, only 46 and in the third year of his first term, was assassinated during a motorcade in Dallas. Aboard Air Force One on the tarmack at Dallas Love Field, Judge Sarah Hughs swore in Vice President Lyndon Johnson as the nation’s 36th president. Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested at the Texas Theater and charged with Kennedy’s murder. He was killed on a basement ramp of the Dallas policed station before he could go to trial.

1968: The Beatles released their 29-song double album entitled “The Beatles,” which became known as “The White Album.”

1986: At age 20, Mike Tyson became the youngest world heavyweight boxing champion with a second-round knockout of Trevor Berbick in Las Vegas.

1991: To deter Christmas tree thieves, the University of Illinois at Champaign announced it had sprayed campus evergreens with a chemical that smelled like rotten eggs when exposed to warm air inside a home.

1991: The farmhouse facade from the TV series “The Waltons” was destroyed in a fire at Warner Brothers studio.

1995: Walt Disney’s “Toy Story” opened throughout the U.S. It was the first computer-animated movie.

1998: “Titanic” star Kate Winslet married assistant film director Jim Threapleton.

2002: The Bush administration relaxed clean air rules to allow utilities, refineries and manufacturers to avoid installing new anti-pollution equipment when they modernized their plants.

2003: Three burglars were arrested in Brazil after they returned to a house and asked for the receipts for the goods they had stolen. The young thieves told the homeowner in Belo Horizonte they couldn’t sell the stereo, TV and cell phones without the original receipts. The victim called police while searching for the receipts.


1220: Pope Honorius III (pope from 1216) crowned Holy Roman Emperor Frederick in St. Peter’s, on the promise that Frederick would uphold the rights of the Church, and promote a crusade.

1633: Irish Catholic Cecil Calvert, 27, sent two ships (the Ark and the Dove) from Ireland to establish a colony in America as a refuge for fellow Catholics. His work later earned Lord Calvert the nickname, “Colonizer of Maryland.”

1849: Austin College was chartered in Texas at Huntsville under Presbyterian sponsorship. In 1876 the school campus was moved to Sherman, TX.

1873: American lawyer Horatio G. Spafford’s four daughters drowned when their passenger ship, while crossing the Atlantic, collided with another and sank. The following month, as his own ship passed over the spot of the earlier tragedy, Spafford penned the words to the enduring hymn, “It is Well With My Soul.”

1963: Death of C.S. Lewis, 65, Anglican scholar, novelist and Christian apologist. Well_known for his children’s classic, “The Chronicles of Narnia” (1950-56), Lewis also penned other Christian classics, including “The Screwtape Letters” (1943) and “The Great Divorce” (1946).


  • Actress (Lost in Translation, In Good Company, Iron Man 2, The Avengers) Scarlett Johansson, 32

  • Actress (Superman IV, The Contender) Mariel Hemingway, 55

  • Actress (Halloween, True Lies, Freaky Friday) Jamie Lee Curtis, 58

  • Actor (“Mad About You”, “Spin City”) Richard Kind, 59 (audio clip)


(Music Artist Birthdays From

1899 : Hoagy Carmichael

1940 : Davey Graham

1941 : Terry Stafford

1942 : Steve Caldwell (The Orlons)

1943 : Floyd Sneed (Three Dog Night)

1944 : Jesse Colin Young (The Youngbloods)

1946 : Aston “Family Man” Barrett (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

1947 : Rod Price (Foghat)

1947 : Sonny Geraci (The Outsiders, Climax)

1948 : Dennis Larden (Every Mother’s Son)

1950 : Little Steven Van Zandt (E Street Band)

1950 : Tina Weymouth (Talking Heads)

1954 : Craig Hundley

1968 : Rasa Don (Arrested Development)


Who built the first bathrooms, and where?

Bathrooms… you won’t find anything more important on the timeline of indoor human history. So who, and where were they invented?  No, it wasn’t King John. And they didn’t originate in Flushing, New York. Bathrooms actually come from a place famous for its pipes, but of another kind: Scotland, known more for bagpipes than plumbing.  The place was the Orkney Islands, off the Scottish coast, ten millennia ago, where some nameless individuals finally took a stand for comfort. (Actually, I assume they took a seat.) They left their mark in the annals of latrinery by throwing together a primitive drain system that carried wastes directly from their huts to the local stream – the first in- house outhouse. It would take another 10,000 years for folks to notice that this created as many problems as it solved, waste-wise. (Edited from Tricky Trivia)


This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from!


Thousands flocked to the streets of Portland over the weekend but Mandisa pointed out that they weren’t rioters or protesters. Instead they were there to worship Jesus. The crowds were lining up for that night’s Winter Jam concert.


A big step for Chris and Jodi of Love and the Outcome. They posted that they were on their first Adventure with just the two of them since their son Milo was born. Jodi added: I may or may not be crying and looking at pictures of him right now.


Switchfoot is holding a remix contest and a trip to one of their shows is on the line. The band is asking you to produce a remix of their song “Float”. The producer of the winning submission will be flown to their show in Vancouver in January and will meet the band at the studio that week. Find out more at


The ultimate complement this week for The Messengers. One of their social media followers posted: you got me through an addiction. You save my life; Turn me into a brother, son, friend, and father again. Thank you!


A suggestion from Jason Gray. He asked over the weekend: do they offer TSA Pre-status for Starbucks. Included with a picture of the line the extended well down the airport walk way.


Colton Dixon was pranked by his own wife during a tour stop over the weekend. The set list called for Annie to join Colton on stage for a song together. However, this time, when Colton introduced his wife, the clapping quickly turned to laughter. That’s because one of the crew, complete with a full beard and fake blond wig, came on stage and gave Colton a big huge. Check out the video of Colton’s response at


Being an adult was tough for Jamie Grace over the weekend. She had a full day of travel and posted that Delta first ran out of food on the flight and then lost her bag. Jamie said she just wanted her sweats and some dinner but she was having to deal with life instead.


Selah member Todd Smith is sticking to his diet. Earlier this year the members of Selah kicked off a joint effort to lose more than 200 pounds using NutriSystem. Todd posted a picture over the weekend during a long layover at the Low Angeles airport. He said his NutriSystem lunch was keeping him going.


Jimmy Needham spent the past year studying through the gospels and he shared his thoughts over the weekend. Jimmy’s advice? Slow and steady wins. Read and don’t move on till Jesus jumps out the pages.


Jason Gray was judging a food contest over the weekend. He was one of four artists selected to judge a chili competition. Jason says 10 different chilies were entered in the contest. The contest is held each year by the music label Centricity on the Thursday before Thanksgiving.  ***Let’s hope Jason has a strong stomach and a bottle of the pink stuff!

Francesca Battistelli wasn’t letting circumstances ruin her day. After her original flight was canceled, Francesca found a second flight. She posted from the middle seat of the airline on her way to the women’s conference in Billings, Montana: our flight may land the same time the show starts, and I may have no makeup on and hat hair, but ladies, we are heading your way!


(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email for details!)



Some good news for those who are dreading the annual Thanksgiving dinner ritual: your turkey dinner will cost a little less.  The American Farm Bureau Federation said a holiday meal for a family of 10 will cost $49.87, a 24-cent decrease from last year’s average of $50.11, dropping to cost to less than $5 per person. After adjusting for inflation, this year’s cost of a Thanksgiving dinner fell to its lowest level since 2010.  ***Oh, we’re saving a whopping 24-cents from last year!  Well in that case, give me an extra whipped cream dollop!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, police officers in Fort Worth, Texas, recently handed out turkeys instead of tickets for minor traffic violations. Traffic officers with the department made 25 traffic stops. But each time, the officers forgave the violation and gave out a turkey in lieu of a ticket.  ***They were police officers… shouldn’t they have been giving out PORK products?

Melania and Barron Trump will not be moving to the White House, instead, they’ll be staying at Trump Tower in New York for the near future.  ***For a President-elect who would like us to think he has strong family values, what does it say when he’s willing to live apart from his wife and kids for the next four to eight years?

Just when you thought zero-tolerance policies were fading away.  (Sigh.)  In Pembroke Pines, Florida, an 11-year-old honor student has been suspended for six days for bringing a knife to her Florida middle school — a toddler’s butter knife, which she used at lunchtime to cut a peach. Her mother, Andrea Souto said, “This is a set of a spoon, fork, and knife for toddlers — one year olds! It is made for children to learn how to eat properly. She’s used it since she was baby.” Her father says she was cutting the peach so that she could share it with a friend when someone saw the knife. A spokesperson for Broward County school district wouldn’t discuss specifics, but said, “The school followed district policy regarding this incident and continues to work with the student and parents involved. It is the district’s priority to maintain safe and secure campuses for students and staff at all times.” The school district says the girl violated the county’s weapon policy, and a resulting Pembroke Pines Police Department investigation has been turned over to the State Attorney’s Office. It’s not clear whether prosecutors are considering criminal charges, but the family’s attorney says it’s “tragic” such a thing is even a possibility when the girl was using “a child-proof utensil that could never be construed in any form as a weapon.” (Local 10)  ***These are not zero-tolerance policies, they are zero-INTELLIGENCE policies.


According to the World Alzheimer Report, more than 35 million people around the world are living with Alzheimer’s disease or other types of dementia, and that number is expected only to grow as the population grows older.  ***On the plus side, everywhere you go it’s a brand new experience.

According to a study, nearly $100 billion per year goes to treat health problems of people who are overweight.  ***So if you’re in college, go to medical school – the way America is going, you’ll have a job caring for fatties until you die of old age!  (Now where are the donuts?)

What would you rather find on your hotel pillow — a chocolate or a sleeping pill? A poll conducted for Starwood Hotels and Resorts finds almost half of those asked would opt for a pill. Research firm Studylogic surveyed 12,500 adults who take an average of at least two trips a year. ***How about a third choice… chocolate covered sleeping pills.

Married Americans are now, for the first time, a minority of the population. 50.2% of 248 million Americans over 16 are single, a first since they started tracking the information in 1976. The “never-married” population has risen from 22.1% in 1976 to 30.4% today, while divorced, separated, or widowed Americans went from 15.3% to 20%.  ***Not to worry though – babies born out of wedlock are also way up, so it all works out.  No… wait…

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)



DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)






OPEN: And now,, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was frustrated and angry because, after spending so many long hours creating a great classical piece of music, he found Gruffy Bear listening to the very same song… composed by Millard’s arch nemesis, Mozart!

CLOSE: Boy, that Steve Mozart really is quite a guy! What could Millard possibly come up with to show up such an obviously talented person? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)



OPEN: And now,, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature. Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it. In fact, this could all be just a big joke! There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…

CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints! It’s a giant gorilla! What will happen to Millard? Will he really be eaten? And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.


The worst honeymoon ever.

San Jose newlyweds Arnaud and Maria Stehle thought they were just taking a scenic one-hour hike to look at a waterfall in Castle Rock State Park. Instead they got lost and spent five grueling days in the wilderness of the Santa Cruz Mountains until finally being rescued. The couple spent the night in a cave for two nights and spent another two nights in a hollowed-out tree. And they weren’t exactly prepared for the occasion. Both had left their coats in the car and, had no food, and Arnaud, a 29-year-old Silicon Valley engineer, was wearing shorts. They finally emerged from the back country relatively unscathed after a massive search. Santa Clara County sheriff’s Lt. Mark Eastus said, “They were cold, tired and hungry, but in pretty good spirits.” Both were able to walk at least partway out with the rescue team, but Maria was carried the last leg on a stretcher.  On the bright side, to have this be your honeymoon, you know there’s nowhere to go but up.



  • Try not to be so vague about stuff.

  • People who stoop to name calling are sick perverted bimbos.

  • I hope to God my atheistic views are respected.

  • I just ignore anything a closed minded person has to say.

  • Someday, I’m going to confront his procrastination.

  • I’d work out on the treadmill but it’s upstairs.

  • People who limit our freedom of speech need to be silenced.

  • Don’t participate in boycotts.

  • I don’t think personal opinions are worth anything at all.

  • Pretty soon everyone will be a cynic.


You know your future in auto theft is severely limited when arresting officers refer to you and your cohorts as Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest.

FILE #1: …Police say the three teenagers stole a Ford Escort and raced past a speed camera. When the teenagers realized their mistake, they turned around and went back to the camera. Not to destroy the evidence, but to smile and pose for more photos. Police say they could not believe their luck when they found the photos, which were taken three hours before the kids torched the car.

FILE #2: In the middle of a blizzard, a New Jersey high school student decided it would be a good idea to rob the local 7-11. He walked into the store with a gun and stole $50. He then walked back to his home, which was less than a mile away leaving a trail of footprints in the snow. The police followed the footprints to the young man’s front door and arrested him.

FILE #3: A masked bandit recently went into a Pennsylvania gas station with intentions of robbing it. Not wanting to reveal his voice, he wrote a note to a cashier demanding all the money. As the man had a gun, the cashier had no choice but to comply with his request. When the suspect left, the cashier looked on the back of the paper and discovered that the criminal wrote his note on the back of his subpoena. On it, his name, address, and phone number. Now he’ll be asked to appear in court again – this time with handcuffs.

STRANGE LAW: In Thailand, no one may step on any of the nation’s currency.


She huffed and she puffed — and she got busted.

Officers in Forrest City, Arkansas, say they received a complaint about a woman “huffing” on a can of compressed air. According to authorities, Kathy K. Sweet was in a car at a Wal-Mart and was slow to respond to officers. When police took her can away, officers say she asked for it back — so she could finish getting high. Sweet didn’t get her can, but she did get a trip to the cooler. Sweet was booked for public intoxication and later released.


Today is “Start Your Own Country Day.” So let’s work together – help us create a few laws for our country! (See today’s Weird Holidays for a few ideas to get started!)


QUESTION: Who persuaded a woman of Tekoah to speak to David to allow Absalom to come back home?

ANSWER: Joab (2 Samuel 14:1-3)


QUESTION: In what year were people glued to their TV sets to find out who shot J.R.?

ANSWER: 1980. Having been cliff-hung for five months, an estimated 82-million Americans, 80% of all viewers, tuned in to see “Who Shot J.R.?” J.R. Ewing was shot by Sue Ellen’s sister, the jilted mistress Kristin Shepard.


Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The spiny cheek, starsnout poacher, and monkeyface prickleback are all names of toads. (False – they are names of fish.)

2. “Fortnight” is a contraction of “forty nights.” (False – it’s a contraction of “fourteen nights.” In the United States “two weeks” is more commonly used.)

3. A typical lightning bolt is two to four feet wide. (False – it’s two to four inches wide and two miles long.)

4. In an earthquake, a 6 on the Richter Scale is actually more than 30 times powerful than a 5 on the Richter Scale. (True. Each unit on the Richter Scale is equivalent to a power factor of about 32. So a 6 is 32 times more powerful than a 5!)

5. The anemometer is an instrument which measures the force, velocity, or pressure of the wind. (True)

6. The world’s first speed limit regulation was 80 mph. (False – it was 20 mph, in England in 1903.)

7. It took more than a thousand years to build the Notre Dame Cathedral. (True. Although construction of the Notre Dame Cathedral in Strasbourg started in 1015, it was not until 1439 that the spire was completed.)

8. Michelangelo began sculpting his monumental statue of David when he was only 12 years old. (False – he was 26 at the time. He finished it seventeen months later, in January, 1504.)

9. Nobody is buried in Grant’s tomb. (True. President & Mrs. Grant are entombed there. A body is buried only when it is placed in the ground and covered with dirt.)

10. Pablo Picasso’s career lasted only seven years. (False, it lasted seventy-eight years, from 1895 until his death in 1973.)


You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!


An international team of oceanic experts have found an alien ship from Planet Gootan on the bottom of the Baltic Sea.

The ship was abandoned, but experts from the U.N. Panel of Extraterrestrials told WWN that the Gootans were using the Baltic Sea as a base to spy on humans.

The U.N. dispatched a team of experts in Unidentified Submarine Objects (USOs) to the Baltic Sea accompanied by an elite Navy SEAL team.  The U.S. military has been conducting a vast underwater reconnaissance of Gootan activities, ever since the Gootans landed three large ships on Earth in November, 2011.

Some are saying the ship looks like the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars.



A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter’s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure. As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband. The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, “I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! A RICH Doctor!”


My 5-year-old nephew, Felix, wanted to caddy for my brother’s golf game. “You have to count my strokes,” my brother told him. “How much is six plus nine plus eight?”

“Five.” answered Felix.

“Okay,” my brother said, “let’s go.”


A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

One day, while pointing to a little boy’s ear, the doctor asked him, “Is this your nose?”

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mom, I think we’d better find a new doctor!”


When horned lizards get angry, they shoot blood out of their eyes. ***Big deal – my wife shoots lasers.

Researchers in Paris discovered that lizards have personalities. ***French waiters jobs may soon be in jeopardy.



A girl went over to her friend and said, “I hear you broke off your engagement to Bob. Why?
“It’s just that my feelings towards him aren’t the same any more.”
“Are you returning his diamond ring?”
“No way! My feelings towards the ring haven’t changed a bit!”



Ronnie Collins once again will be able to whistle while he works. The shepherd from West Yorkshire, England lost his ability to whistle after he was fitted with false teeth. For most of us, not being able to whistle wouldn’t be such a big deal, but it’s an integral part of the job of a shepherd trying to communicate with his dogs. His attempts to whistle failed and his border collies would sit and stare at him as he silently blew. He tried to use his fingers and even took the teeth out – all to no avail. The solution? Ronnie had his dentist drill a hole between the two incisors on his new false teeth and can once again whistle.


Boasting is verbalized pride. It is self-commendation, bragging to others of our accomplishments. However, all that actually matters is what God thinks of us, not what others think.
Boasting is the exact opposite of the meekness and gentleness of Christ. Paul refused to boast about his personal appearance, power, or accomplishments. Instead, he pointed out that his strength was a hidden force, unnoticed by the world but divinely powerful (2 Corinthians 10:3-4).
Paul used his God-given authority, not for destruction, but for building up (2 Corinthians 10:8). He gave reports about the mission work he had accomplished, not to brag about what he had done, but to show what had been done by the grace of God. Without a doubt, Paul knew that “the person who wishes to boast should boast only of what the Lord has done” (2 Corinthians 10:17).
Isaiah foresaw a day in which “pride will be brought low and the Lord alone will be exalted” (Isaiah 2:11). Satan’s proud, boasting spirit will one day be brought low, and no one will dare utter a boast against the Lord.
“Let him who boasts boast in the Lord” (2 Corinthians 10:17 NIV).

By Larry Stockstill



One of them, when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God. —Luke 17:15

A few years ago, an unkempt, poorly adjusted youth named Tim (not his real name) was converted to Christ in an evangelistic crusade. Several days later, still unkempt but bathed in the love of Christ, he was sent to my home so that I could help him find a good church. And so it was that he began attending with me.

Though Tim needed and received much loving help in personal grooming and basic social graces, one characteristic has remained unchanged—his untamed love for his Savior.

One Sunday after church Tim rushed to my side, looking somewhat perplexed. He exclaimed, “Why me? I keep asking myself, why me?” Oh, no, I thought, he’s become another complaining Christian. Then with arms outstretched, he went on to say, “Out of all the people in the world who are greater and smarter than I am, why did God choose me?” With that he joyfully clapped his hands.

Over the years I’ve heard many Christians, including myself, ask “Why me?” during tough times. But Tim is the first one I’ve heard ask that question when talking about God’s blessings. Many were converted the same night as Tim, but I wonder how many among them have humbly asked, “Why me?” May we ask it often. —Joanie Yoder

I know not why God’s wondrous grace
To me He hath made known;
Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love
Redeemed me for His own. —Whittle

Gratitude should be a continuous attitude.



Would it matter to you if you found out now that, in reality, you were born eight minutes earlier than you thought?  One mother is making a pretty big stink about it.

A Polo, Missouri, woman believes her baby was born minutes before the end of Independence Day in the United States.  However, hospital officials say the girl was born the next day.  Big deal?  It is to the mother.  Sarah Jensen is convinced she birthed her daughter at 11:56pm on July 4. But the hospital says the girl was actually born 12:04am on July 5.  So now the mother is out gathering cell phone records, time-stamped photos and witness accounts and soliciting the help of Missouri State Representative Sam Graves… all because the hospital says her daughter was born eight minutes later!  (Some people just don’t have enough stuff in their lives to complain about.)  Mommy Jensen has digital photographs showing baby Rebekah in her mother’s arms at 11:57pm and being cleaned by a nurse at 11:59pm. Jensen claims the attending nurse told her there were problems with the hospital’s computer clock. Jensen says her fight is not to have her daughter’s birthday on a holiday but to correct what she sees as a fundamental error.   She said even if the situation is not resolved, she will celebrate Rebekah’s birthday as the country celebrates its independence.  ***MARLAR: We’re talking about a total of eight minutes here… is that really going to make a difference in this little girl’s life?  Unless you’re actually planning on celebrating her birth EXACTLY at the TIME of her birth… which is about midnight in this case… I can’t see that it would make that big of a difference.  This mother wants an Independence Day baby – and it looks like she’s willing to make a few fireworks of her own to get her way.



Flu season is almost here, and experts say now is the best time to get your shot. That’s because “it takes about two weeks to develop the antibody response,” says Dr. Michael Koller of Loyola University Stritch Chicago School of Medicine. Each year in the U.S. about 200,000 flu victims are hospitalized and about 36,000 die. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend vaccinations for all children ages 6 months to 5 years, pregnant women, people age 50 and older, healthcare workers, and anyone with a chronic illness such as asthma, diabetes or heart disease. To find out where flu shots are available in your area, go to: (National Enquirer)


Don’t go out with wet hair.  Cover your mouth when you cough.  Was mom right when it comes to the cold and flu tips she taught us?

( Don’t go out with wet hair. Cover your mouth when you cough. These classic “mom” cold and flu tips were recently put to the scientific test. The verdict: Most won’t keep us safe from viruses, though a few do have merit, according to Rachel Vreeman, MD, an assistant professor of pediatrics at Indiana University School of Medicine. And Mom did get a couple of things right. Here, experts set the record straight on which motherly advice is worth taking.

  • You’ll get sick if you go out in the cold with wet hair: Exposure to viruses—not skipping the blow-dryer—causes cold and flu.  “Scientists have studied this really well,” says Dr. Vreeman. “They’ve put cold viruses in the noses of two groups of people. One group was then exposed to cold/wet conditions, and people who were chilled were no more likely to get sick than those who weren’t.” Being outdoors can make your nose run (cold weather dilates blood vessels), but it doesn’t make you more susceptible to viruses.
  • Feed a cold, starve a fever: This is half right. When you’re congested, nutritious food will fortify your immune system. But when you’re feverish, your metabolism is revved up and you need more energy—not fewer calories—to fight off infection. Bottom line: Stay hydrated and eat well, no matter what your symptoms.
  • Avoid dairy when you have a cold:  There’s no medical basis to skip dairy when you’re sick. Many people, including some pediatricians, believe that dairy products increase mucus production. However, research shows this may be a placebo effect. In one study, people who knew they were drinking cow’s milk reported more nasal symptoms than those who had soy milk—but people who didn’t know which milk they were drinking reported the same (minimal) effects.
  • You lose most of your body heat through your head: It’s wise to keep your head covered with a cozy hat. Technically, you don’t lose more body heat through your head (about 10%, which is proportional to the body surface area), but it might feel that way, says Cleveland Clinic researcher Daniel Sessler, MD. That’s because your face is about 5 times more sensitive to temperature than other areas are. “It’s an early warning system that alerts you to put on a sweater or turn up the thermostat long before your core body temperature gets too cold,” says Dr. Sessler.
  • Have some chicken soup: There’s something to this age-old comfort food remedy. Researchers from the University of Nebraska Medical Center found that chicken soup prepared with lots of veggies mitigates some of the inflammation responsible for cold symptoms, such as a runny nose and congestion. To get rid of common cold symptoms, you have to get rid of the inflammation that’s causing them, says Jack Gwaltney Jr., MD, a professor emeritus of medicine at the Center for the Prevention of Disease and Injury at the University of Virginia School of Medicine.
  • Rest, don’t exercise, when you’re under the weather: You do need to rest, but a little exercise might help you feel better. In a study from Ball State University, volunteers with severe colds were divided into two groups, one of which exercised for 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. The other group simply rested. In both groups, cold symptoms lasted about 8 1/2 days (8.36 for the exercisers; 8.45 for the resters) and peaked during the morning hours. But as a group, the exercisers felt better in the afternoon and evening than the resters did.  While some exercise is good for you, don’t overdo it when you’re sick. Intense workouts (lasting more than 90 minutes) can actually weaken immunity.
  • Cover your mouth with your hand when you cough: Although this might look polite and germ preventing, it’s anything but. When you capture a cough or sneeze in your hand, you’re likely to pass your cold on to someone else. Cold viruses exist in large quantities in the nasal fluid of sick people and are easily transferred from their hands after even the briefest contact. You also leave viruses on doorknobs, phones, countertops, and elevator buttons.  To sidestep such icky transmissions, be sure to wash your hands frequently, and use a tissue or, if one isn’t handy, cough and sneeze into your inner elbow.


A toddler falls seven floors but is perfectly fine thanks to a miracle catch!

An 18-month-old boy survived after falling seven floors and bouncing off a Paris cafe awning into the arms of a passer-by.  “My son saw a little boy on a balcony. He had gone right outside the railing… I said to myself I mustn’t miss him,” the toddler’s saviour, local doctor Philippe Bensignor, told reporters. “I had time to move from side to side to get in the right position,” he added. “The little boy was fine. He cried a little bit but calmed down straightaway.”  An official involved in investigating the incident said the boy had been left alone in the family apartment in northern Paris with his sister by their parents, who were taken into custody afterwards.  Turns out the café was closed for the day and the mechanical device for closing the awning wasn’t working.”  ***MARLAR: Tell me there is no God.



  • Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
  • 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
  • Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over!
  • Doc, Doc, Goose
  • Simon Says Something Incoherent
  • Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
  • Musical Recliners



Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep

I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned — the dark meat and white,

but I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,

the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door

and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky

With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees…

happy eating to all — pass the cranberries, please!

BAD Parrot

A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”


The University of Maryland Medical Center found: Laughter not only improves your mood it can improve your health. Aside from the rush of those feel good endorphins you get when you giggle, a good laugh also boosts the production of T-cells in the body which helps your immune system fight off disease. A hearty guffaw also appears to be good for your heart. Stress is associated with impairment of the protective barrier lining of our blood vessels. This sets the stage for fat and cholesterol buildup in the coronary arteries and fat and cholesterol buildup in the coronary arteries and eventually a heart attack. But laughter is a surefire stress buster and a great preventative for heart disease. A good chuckle increases circulation and boosts oxygenation by moving the body’s lymph fluid. It also alleviates symptoms of depression, lowers blood pressure and promotes relaxation.  ***So be sure to tune in to (JOCK SHOW) – he’s often funny even when he doesn’t try to be!

StoryCorps is again asking younger listeners to help them preserve history by recording Thanksgiving conversations with their elders using the StoryCorps app.  StoryCorps has made it its mission to collect and preserve audio conversations from every corner of the country. The StoryCorps app can be downloaded on smartphones or the App Store and Google Play. And these conversations will be preserved at the Library of Congress. StoryCorps is calling it The Great Thanksgiving Listen. Last year StoryCorps collected some 50,000 Thanksgiving recordings.

A reminder as we prepare for this year’s Thanksgiving. It could be said that the first celebrants of Thanksgiving, in reality, had little to be thankful for. Yet they gave thanks. Most of the original group of Pilgrims died from disease and starvation while searching for religious freedom in the New World. They were homesick for loved ones left behind, and grieved that they were forced to leave their homeland because of religious persecution. They had completed a dangerous and miserable trip across the Atlantic Ocean. They risked everything to come to a place that was cold and, in many ways, unwelcoming. Yet they gave thanks.

If you’re traveling by air over the Thanksgiving holiday this might affect you.  It appears that hundreds of workers at Chicago O’Hare International Airport are planning to strike during the Thanksgiving holiday, one of the busiest times at one of the country’s busiest airports. The threatened strike includes janitors, baggage handlers, cabin cleaners and wheelchair attendants. The city’s Aviation Department said it was committed to an “ongoing dialogue,” and it said it did not expect any disruption in service.  You can read more about it at


Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent. — Laurence J. Peter


Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 18, 2016…

The Edge Of Seventeen—Hailee Steinfeld (who now has a singing career, too) stars as a young girl who doesn’t know what to do when her brother begins to date her best friend. Oh, my, what to do? “The Edge of Seventeen” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them—J. K. Rowlings has done it again, and this time, takes her readers to before the events of  “Harry Potter.”  Eddie Redmayne is Newt Scamander who is a magizoologist studying “Nifflers” among other animals. His job is to keep them contained…not that easy.  Also in the cast are Colin Farrell, Dan Fogler and Katherine Waterston. “Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Nocturnal Animals—This movie is based on the book, “Tony and Susan” by Austin Wright.  It tells of a married businesswoman (Amy Adams) who gets a book manuscript from her ex-husband (Jake Gyllenhaal), after many years. Then we become interested in the characters of the novel, are they real? Why this length of time to contact Amy? “Nocturnal Animals” is rated R. Rating of 2 for book fans.

The Disappointments Room—Kate Beckinsale can do comedy, as we found in “Love & Friendship,” but here she tackes a haunted house in the Deep South. Her husband (Mel Raido) and Kate move to his home, but is it a mistake? “The Disappointments Room” is rated R. No rating.

NOVEMBER 23, 2016…

Loving stars Ruth Negga and  Joel Edgerton as a black-white couple who get married in the 1960’s.

Allied has Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard as two spies during WWII.

Bad Santa 2 stars Billy Bob Thornton as a man trying to ruin Christmas. (Didn’t he already try??)

Moana is an animated film with the voice of Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) about an Island girl from 3000 years ago who wants to save her people.

Rules Don’t Apply is directed and stars, Warren Beatty, and about Howard Hughes.

Lion concerns a young Indian man who wants to trace his ancestry. Stars Dev Patel and Nicole Kidman.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at