November 23, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)




Big excitement this year for the holidays. Just found out that this year my wife is going to let me carve the Christmas ham. It’ll be my first time holding a knife since the sanity hearing.

Sometimes finding out what you’re called to do first requires finding out what you are not called to do. — Greg Laurie


“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” – Colossians 3:15

“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy & change ordinary opportunities into blessings.” W. Ward

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” – JFK

“Life is full of give and take. Give thanks and take nothing for granted.” – Linda Poindexter

We are thankful for you! “I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly.” – Ephesians 1:16 #HappyThanksgiving

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.” – 1 Chronicles 16:34

#HappyThanksgiving #ThankGod


Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. –Romans 12:10

Hebrews 3:13 = Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law. — Psalm 119:18



Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion. — Proverbs 11:22

Thought: To take what is physically beautiful and then profane it with sin is to waste a great gift to bless someone who doesn’t even have a clue why God gave it to her or him. No matter what gifts we have been given, whether physical beauty, athletic talent, keen intellect, a charming personality, or anything else, we must remember that God blessed us with these things so we could bless others and honor him!

Prayer: Dear God, please forgive me for the times that I have not used my gifts and abilities to bless others and honor you. Please give me a renewed sense of purpose as I seek to live for your glory and to bless others with your grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Mark 11:23 NIV = “I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.


(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)

Today is CAN YOU FIND YOUR OLD RUBIK’S CUBE AND STILL WORK IT DAY.  ***This assumes there was a time you could.


Doctor Who Day

Fibonacci Day

International Day to End Impunity For Crimes Against Journalists

International Image Consultant Day

Tie One On Day

National Espresso Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)


Brownielocks Day

Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day

D.B. Cooper Day

National Day of Mourning (Thanksgiving Day)

Thanksgiving Day (USA)

Turkey-Free Thanksgiving


Black Friday

Blase Day

Buy Nothing Day

Flossing Day

Fur Free Friday

International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women Day. (***How about we just call it “Be Nice To Her Day?” Wouldn’t that be easier?)

International Hat Day

Maize Day

National Day of Listening

National Native American Heritage Day

Shopping Reminder Day

Sinkie Day

You’re Welcomegiving Day


World Day of Giving

Small Business Saturday




Cider Monday

Cyber Monday


Electronic Greetings Day

Giving Tuesday

International Day of Solidarity With The Palestinian People

Square Dancing Day


Computer Security Day

National Meth Awareness Day

Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting

Stay Home Because You’re Well Day


1919: On the first play-by-play football game radio broadcast, Texas A&M shut out the University of Texas 7-0.

1936: The cover of the first issue of Life magazine carried a photo of a doctor slapping a newborn baby and the caption, “Life begins!”

1936: In a San Antonio hotel room, blues pioneer Robert Johnson recorded his first tracks, including “Ramblin’ on My Mind.”

1958: Ronald and Nancy Reagan appeared together in the “GE Theater” production of “A Turkey for the President.”

1972: Actress Marie Wilson died at age 56. She starred as a scatterbrained “My Friend Irma” on both radio and television.

1976: Rocker Jerry Lee Lewis was arrested outside Graceland in Memphis after waving a pistol and demanding to see “the King.”

1982: Rev. Grady Nutt died at age 47. Especially known for his religious humor, he was a regular on TV’s “Hee Haw.”

1988: Grand sumo champion Chionofuji, known as “The Wolf,” became the first sumo wrestler in history to win 50 matches in a row.

1990: MTV banned Madonna’s “Justify My Love” video.

1991: Fort Lauderdale police disclosed that a 16-year-old boy had amassed a $10,000 baseball card collection by running a bookie operation at a local high school. ***I’m guessing he went on to major in Business.

1991: The Sacramento Kings ended the NBA’s longest road losing streak at 43 games.

1996: State Legislator Michael Burns and registered lobbyist Kimberly McCoy were married in Annapolis, Maryland. It wasn’t easy. The bride had to get state permission to buy a wedding ring for the groom, and had to spend less than $25 per guest on the reception so other legislators attending didn’t have to report it.

1996: Actor-comedian Chris Rock and Malaak Compton were married.

2000: Dot-com millionaire Jaakko Rytsola set a world record in Finland with a $71,400 speeding ticket. Traffic fines in Finland are linked to an offender’s income. The higher the income, the higher the fine, and there’s no limit. Rytsola, 27 years old at the time, was doing 40 in downtown Helsinki, a 25 mile zone. He said it’s hard to go that slow in Ferrari.

2001: The largest crowd ever to see a football game in Texas, 87,555 fans, watched the Texas Longhorns beat the Texas A&M Aggies 21-7.


1654: French mathematician Blaise Pascal, 31, underwent a profound religious conversion. He thereupon abandoned his study of science, having realized that “the Christian religion obliges us to live only for God, and to have no other aim than him.”

1729: German_born John Philip Boehm, 46, was formally ordained a pastor of the Dutch Reformed Church. Boehm had previously come to America in 1720, where he began organizing religious services among German Reformed immigrants in Pennsylvania.

1742: English revivalist George Whitefield wrote in a letter: ‘Two things I would earnestly recommend to your constant study: the book of God, and your own heart. These two, well understood, will make you an able minister of the New Testament.’

1947: E. L. Sukenik of Jerusalem’s Hebrew University first received word of the existence of the Dead Sea Scrolls. The documents, dating between 200 BC and AD 70, had been accidentally discovered the previous winter (1946-47) by two Bedouin shepherds in the vicinity of Qumran.

1970: Pope Paul VI issued a decree barring cardinals over the age of 80 from voting for a new pope.


  • actress-singer (“Hannah Montana”) Destiny Hope “Miley” Cyrus 24 (audio clip)
  • actress (Victoria Hardwick on “Smallville”) Kelly Brook 37

  • actor (“Sleeper Cell”, “Charmed”, “UC: Undercover”) Oded Fehr 46

  • actress (“Eureka”, “Family Law”, “Gargoyles”) Salli Richardson 50

  • actress (The Devil and Max Devlin, “The Yellow Rose”) Susan Anspach 71


(Music Artist Birthdays From

1939 : Betty Everett

1940 : Freddie Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers)

1954 : Bruce Hornsby

1966 : Ken Block (Sister Hazel)

1966 : Charlie Grover (Sponge)

1992 : Miley Cyrus


Where did the word “boondoggle” originate?

Among Boy Scouts. The braided leather laniard worn by Boy Scouts has no real purpose. It was named a “boondoggle” by Robert H. Link of Rochester, possibly after Daniel Boone. During the depression of the ‘30’s, the name of this useless piece of equipment was transformed to the innumerable useless tasks performed by men employed on “make-work” projects of the Federal Government.


This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from!


Matthew West is continuing his mission to share stories of God’s grace and forgiveness. His latest story comes from Katie. After two abortions and a miscarriage, Katie told Matthew: I wasn’t sure a family of my own would ever be in my future. Sometimes finding forgiveness within yourself can be the hardest place to look. Read her entire story at

Moriah Peters sister Bianca Peters is a television news reporter at the CBS affiliate in Miami.

What’s the number one question bands ask when you get off the tour bus. Brian, the drummer from Casting Crowns, says it’s “where’s catering.”

Third Days Mac Powell is more than just music. He also hosts a podcast called the Mac and Tug Show. It features topics ranging from life and music to sports, tv, movies, and MORE.

Citizen Way member Ben Calhoun has come full circle. In addition to touring with the band, he also teaches at Judson University in Chicago. Citizen Way started at the University 13 years ago.

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says there’s no catching up. He posted a picture of his phone with 132 new instant messages.

Mark Schultz this week shared his family’s Bible verse for the year. He says they try to read it every day before or after dinner. Mark adds that it varies based on who is having the meltdown. The verse is Philippians 4:12,13 = I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.


(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email for details!)



News of a “creepy clown” arrests are sadly becoming more common, but this is the first one that involves child neglect charges and the removal of a 4-year-old girl from her home. Police in Illinois caught two men ages 20 and 29 wearing clown costumes about 4am Friday after getting reports of clowns harassing drivers at intersections. They also stopped a 26-year-old woman who was allegedly driving the pair around. It turns out that she and the older man had left their young girl home alone for a few hours while they were out quite literally clowning around. Officers arrested the couple and have recommended charges of child neglect. ***How about adding child ABUSE?  I mean, you’re dressed as clowns – how is that NOT going to screw up your kid for life?

There was a Christmas Holiday Parade in Jacksonville, Florida this past weekend and it’s got some locals really upset. No – it’s not a “war on Christmas” thing – it’s the fact that there was a float with pole dancing! Yes – pole dancing. That was thanks to a local dance studio, Studio 360 Pole Fitness, Dance, and Gym. So it was “exercise” kind of pole dancing – not the stripping kind, but still, local youth pastor Dusty Maxwell said he was shocked and added, “As it got closer and I realized what it was and saw a lady performing on a pole in a provocative way, I had to turn the heads of my five-year-old and three-year-old to keep them from seeing it.” But representatives of Studio 360 said nobody was doing anything inappropriate and manager Brianna Owens said, “America’s going to get offended by something.” She added, “I wasn’t trying to offend by any means. We are a family-friendly place. We knew the consequences. We knew the backlash. We were prepared for that.” ***Actually, if you do something that you know is going to create consequences or a backlash, I don’t think you can really call yourselves “family friendly”.  It’s like saying you’re a child-friendly prostitute . It doesn’t work that way.

A Georgia man has taken “ignorance is bliss” to a whole new and seemingly impossible level! Joe Chandler, an artist from Brunswick, claims he still has no clue who won the presidential election — and as far as he’s concerned, he wants to keep it that way. He told reporters – “It is very peaceful in my bubble of ignorance,” adding he’s quite content in the peace he’s found in the “center of the cyclone.” He explains he opted out of hearing the Trump vs. Clinton results after being invited to an election night party. And he felt so chill the next morning, he decided to prolong the revelation till later that day, then later that week, then … indefinitely? He says it hasn’t been hard for him to stay out of the loop, as he works at home and has simply avoided TV, newspapers, and going online. When he does venture out, he wears a sign that says, “I don’t know who won, and don’t want to. Please don’t tell me!” He also sports headphones in case some wise guy shouts out the winner anyway. Chandler told the Today show that he knows he’ll need to give in eventually, but for now he’s got no “exact exit plan.” ***My guess is he’s doomed by the end of the week… there’s no way the words “President Trump” aren’t going to be uttered at the Thanksgiving table!

Brandon Victor Dixon, the “Hamilton” actor who drew fire from Donald Trump for addressing VP-elect Mike Pence from the stage Friday night, says he’s not apologizing.  ***But Mike Pence says he doesn’t care, and that he’s not bothered by an overly-emotional liberal thespian snowflake.


National Geographic Channel and Kelton Research recently found that most expect some sort of catastrophe will hit the US during the next 25 years.   NGC revealed these results: “Earthquakes (64%), hurricanes (63%) and terrorism (55%) are the most feared, followed by financial collapse (51%), significant blackout (37%), a pandemic (29%) and nuclear fallout (14%).”  Looking ahead 20 years, 62% believe a major catastrophe will hit the world on a global basis, and most – 71% — think it will be in the act of God, rather than man-made category. ***Plus 92% of those polled were concerned there might be an attempt at resurrecting Pauley Shore’s career.

The food in famous paintings of the Last Supper has grown by biblical proportions over the last millennium.  Using a computer, researchers compared the size of the food to the size of the heads in 52 paintings of Jesus Christ and his disciples at their final meal before his death.  If art imitates life, we’re in trouble, the researchers conclude. The size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent, and the bread, 23 percent, between the years 1000 and 2000.  ***And now by federal law all paintings of the Last Supper have to include the foods’ calorie counts.

A study says Millennial’s are more into reading books than older generations but the study also finds that they feel they are too cool for libraries. 88 percent of Americans younger than 30 said they read a book in the past year compared with 79 percent of those older than 30. However, the same group also said that libraries weren’t “essential in their communities,” and this attitude is contributing to the trend of Americans actually purchasing more books than are borrowed.  ***Well, duh.  Welcome to the 21st Century – where we don’t feel it’s necessary to “borrow” an eBook from the library to read on a Kindle.

According to the World Alzheimer Report, more than 35 million people around the world are living with Alzheimer’s disease or other types of dementia, and that number is expected only to grow as the population grows older.  ***On the plus side, everywhere you go it’s a brand new experience.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)



DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)






OPEN: And now,, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was angry because every time he tried to do something amazing, like compose music, for example, Steve Mozart always beat him to it. Millard felt haunted by the very presence of Mozart, and is now determined to find something he can do better than Mozart!

CLOSE: You have to give Millard credit, he truly is working hard to find a way to one-up that genius, Steve Mozart! Will he ever find a way to be better than him? Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)



OPEN: And now,, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature. Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it. In fact, this could all be just a big joke! There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…

CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints! It’s a giant gorilla! What will happen to Millard? Will he really be eaten? And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.


In Bellingham, Washington, one man may have just thrown his life away for a free pencil!

…Police arrested the 44-year-old suspect for allegedly stealing a mechanical pencil from a department store. This despite the fact that he was carrying $600 in cash on him at the time! Officers questioned the man about why he stole the pencil when he had enough money to pay for it. The suspect just responded, “I don’t know, being stupid I guess.”



U.S. Turkey production, by state:

  • North Carolina

  • Minnesota

  • Arkansas

  • Virginia,

  • Missouri

  • California

  • Indiana

  • Pennsylvania,

  • South Carolina

  • Iowa


  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

  • Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

  • At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

  • Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

  • All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

  • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

  • You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

  • If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.


The car theft career of one Romanian man has been put in park.

FILE #1: Beniamin Todea was having trouble starting the engine of a car when two policemen happened by. Our friend thought it would be a good idea to ask the cops to help him start the car by helping to push it. However, when the policemen saw the car’s stereo on the front seat they became suspicious and thought it would be a good idea to start asking questions. The jig was up when the guy didn’t know the license number of what was supposedly his own car and he now faces up to five years in jail.

FILE #2: A bank robber in Columbia, TN, who left the motor running in his getaway car outside the bank, had to flee on foot when he found he accidentally locked the car door with the keys in the ignition. The robber entered First American Bank in Tennessee, demanded money from a teller and then dashed outside to the stolen car he had parked outside the door with its engine running. That was when he discovered the car doors were locked with the keys inside. When last seen, he was running as fast as he could from the scene.

FILE #3: In Nashville, the FBI investigated a bank holdup in which the robber pointed a “small silver object” at the teller. The robber handed her a note saying that if she did not give him the money the “bomb” would explode. The robber dropped the bomb when he escaped. The police retrieved the “bomb” with great caution. The “bomb” turned out to be a hot dog wrapped in aluminum foil.

FILE #4: From Mentor, Ohio comes the story of graffiti artist Barry Lucas who spray painted a couple of obscene phrases on the wall at the local skate park. Unfortunately for him a few things combined to get him busted. First there were quite a few people in the park, including a couple of guys who were video taping other skateboarders. Noticing what he was doing, they caught him in the act on tape. And then there was that sign, out in plain view for everyone to see, that said, “$500 reward for vandal information.” When they skated over to him, camera still running, and asked him his name, and of course our culprit proudly gave it to them. They gave the tape to the cops and Picasso was arrested.

STRANGE LAW: In Ohio, not more than five women can live in the same house together. It’s considered illegal.


Reporting a robbery lands the man who reported the crime behind bars!

Jose Guadalupe Flores, 35, reported 150 pounds of marijuana stolen from his home.  When police arrived there were still about 15 pounds of pot on the living room floor.  Jose had left the house to make the call to the police. But he came back while the cops were there and told them that the drugs were all his.


What is your family’s unique Thanksgiving tradition?

We’ve all pulled a “Ferris Bueller” and faked being sick to get out of going to school.  Tell us your story – how’d you fake being sick?  Hot penny under the tongue to make it appear you had a fever?  Vegetable soup in the toilet to simulate vomit?  Did you try the “clammy hands” thing just like Ferris?  And what did you do with your “sick day” once you convinced your parents to let you stay home?


QUESTION: For how many days did Israel mourn Moses’ death?

ANSWER: 30 (Deuteronomy 34:8)



We all think we know the story of the first Thanksgiving – but not necessarily.  Truth, or Turkey?

  • The settlers at the first Thanksgiving were called Pilgrims. (TURKEY! They didn’t refer to themselves as Pilgrims, they called themselves “Saints”.)

  • The first Thanksgiving was three days of games, gambling and target shooting with English muskets. (TRUTH! By the way, the shooting contest was a friendly warning to the Indians that the Pilgrims were prepared to defend themselves.)

  • The first Thanksgiving took place in November. (TURKEY! It was some time between late September and the middle of October, after the harvest had been brought in.)

  • The Pilgrims wore large hats with buckles on them. (TURKEY! Seems the 19th century artists who painted them that way did so because they associated black clothing and big buckles with being old-fashioned.)

  • There was no turkey at the first Thanksgiving. (TRUTH! They ate deer.)

  • The Pilgrims skipped Thanksgiving the next year. (TRUTH! The harvest was a flop in 1622, plus a whole bunch of new Pilgrims showed up, and had to be fed and housed through the winter.  They didn’t do it again for another five years!)

QUESTION: What soap was named after a bible verse?

ANSWER: Ivory Soap.  It was originally named P&G White Soap. In 1879, Harley Proctor found the new name during a reading in church of the 45th Psalm of the Bible: “All thy garments smell of myrrh, and aloes, and cassia, out of ivory palaces, whereby they have made thee glad.”

QUESTION: What mammal can starve to death, despite a plentiful supply of food?

ANSWER: The sloth – particularly if there are too many cool, cloudy days in a row. The sloth has to sun itself daily to raise its body temperature so the bacteria in its stomach is warm enough to break down the leaves it eats. It often takes up to 100 hours to digest a stomach full of food.


Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The estimated weight of the Great Pyramid of Egypt is over 6-million tons. (True – it’s estimated to be 6,648,000 tons.)

2. The Mona Lisa we all know is actually the 2nd version of the painting. (False – it’s the FOURTH version! X-ray technology has shown there are 3 different versions of the Mona Lisa under the visible one.)

3. The first footprints at Grauman’s Chinese Theater (now Mann’s Chinese Theater), were made by accident. (True. The footprints were made by Norma Talmadge in 1927. Legend has it that she accidentally stepped in wet concrete outside the building. Since then, over 180 stars have been immortalized, along with their hands and feet and even noses – via Jimmy Durante.)

4. The world’s largest art gallery has close to 15 miles of artwork. (TRUE. The world’s largest art gallery is the Winter Palace and Hermitage in St. Petersburg, Russia. Visitors would have to walk 15 miles to see the 322 galleries which house nearly 3 million works of art.)

5. Isaac Newton, Peter Tchaikovsky and Annie Lennox were all born on Thanksgiving day. (False – they were all born on December 25th – Christmas day.)

6. Julius Caesar suffered from Epilepsy. (True – so did Napoleon Bonaparte.)

7. More people are killed each year by donkeys than in plane crashes. (True.)

8. If offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name. (True)

9. The average American man will spend 2,965 hours shaving in his lifetime. (True)

10. Women shoplift twice as often as men. (False – they do so four times as much.)


You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!


CANBERRA – President Obama, worried about the Australian threat, is deploying Marins to Australia.

With the approval of Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard,  Barack Obama announced details of a new military operation in Australia.

In recent months, there has been a lot of unrest in Australia, which came about after Gillard announced some pro-Labor economic policies.  Conservatives in Australia began protesting and seemed to be gaining in popularity.

“We can’t have conservatives getting the majority in any country,” Obama reportedly told Australians.



Thanksgiving Day was approaching and little Johnny’s family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Johnny’s mother showed the card to her children. She said to the kids, “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”

Oh yeah?” Little Johnny replied, “so why is their dad carrying that rifle?”


The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.”

“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”


A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, “Wake up, someone is breaking in!”

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house. As the thief was about to flee the man said, “You have to come with me and meet my wife.”

The thief said, “Why would you want me to meet your wife?”

The man replied, “Well, she’s been expecting you for 20 years.”


Moderately content people out earn very happy folks, a study in Psychological Science suggests.  ***Be more depressed and build wealth!

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), a 5′ 10” person weighing 174 pounds has a Body Mass Index of 25, which places that person in the category of “overweight.” A 5′ 10” person weighing 209 pounds is considered “obese” by the CDC’s Body Mass Index. ***I’m 5’11” and 350 pounds.  I’m apparently dead.

It’s possible for potatoes to explode in the oven if you cook them without poking holes in them. ***So Mr. Potato Head is good to go!



Though we should all give thanks

When we are seated in our pew.

Thanksgiving will be different

If our turkeys have the flu.

The Pilgrims dined on Salmon

As a First Thanksgiving Dish.

But this year it’s inedible;

There’s Mercury in the fish.

Our corn’s been impregnated

With these toxic pesticides.

And our fruit’s been fumigated

Using poisonous bromides.

Your brother picked wild mushrooms

So you just might end up dead.

And there’s too dang many carbs

In the potatoes and the bread.

You can’t eat steak or pot roast

Cause you’ll get mad cow disease.

So there’s only one safe thing to do:

That’s go out for Chinese.


  • Near Woodlawn Cemetery: ‘Second-hand tombstone for sale. Extraordinary bargain for family named Schwarzendorfer.’
  • At a shop specializing in fireplace accessories: ‘Anything your little hearth desires.’
  • On the window of T. Ginsberg’s Delicatessen: ‘Mr. Ginsberg himself eats here.’
  • Near the busy terminal of a trucking firm in Paterson, New Jersey, a large billboard proclaimed: ‘This is a trucking company that never sleeps.’ Crayoned neatly beneath: ‘And neither do its neighbors.’


Apparently the English don’t share their condolences with grieving friends and family as the rest of us do.

How’s this for showing love and compassion – An English law firm recently had an employee of the firm commit suicide and instead of sending his wife flowers and a sympathy card, they sent her a bill for $10,000. The charges stem from “settling his affairs at the office, the cost of visiting his home in order to determine why he hadn’t shown up for work, and the cost of telling his mother that her son had died”. The English press “pressed” the law firm and they have since dropped the charges.



Mad COW Disease is scary–have you read about it? Europeans are leaving beef off their plates–some have gone to horse meat and probably NO-meat! No one wants to catch the disease of the cows–it’s deadly and you can’t blame them!

It got me thinking…for I know a “disease” just as scary–MORE scary–for it kills the body, soul AND spirit! I call it “Mad MAN Disease”–it’s contracted by close association with the enemy of your soul who’d like to damn you to hell…if you let him!

In plain English, it’s called ANGER…a “mad” that resides deep within the spirit and soul of a man, that surfaces in outbursts of rage, or may submerge into deep sadness and depression. It’s what happens when we don’t “give it to God.” It festers inside us and not only will destroy the body physically, but damage the soul spiritually–all because you’re just plain MAD!

Got a temper? You can’t afford it–and you don’t need to tolerate it any longer. It’s treatable–the place of healing is found at the foot of the Cross. Christ Jesus became MAN, became FLESH, for us–that we might become the sons and daughters of God; that we might see life through HIS eyes; that we might surrender our problems and pains to Him, the Prince of Peace.

What’s YOUR beef? Who messes up YOUR day? Don’t let any person or circumstance turn you into a “mad man or woman” today! Next time you see the devil tryin’ to sneak up on you and inflict you with that old “Mad MAN Disease,” call out to the Prince of Peace. He’s also the Great Physician, you know–and He can heal! Give it to Him–and let HIS touch heal your wounded spirit with His love, joy and peace. THAT’S what the Gospel is all about–now believe it, LAY IT DOWN, and have a MAD-FREE day!!



He who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin. —Romans 14:23

In his book Illustrations of Bible Truth, H. A. Ironside tells about a man who was getting ready to attend a banquet. He wanted to put on a white shirt he had worn on a previous occasion, so he was inspecting it carefully to see if it was too dirty. His wife noticed what he was doing and called out, “Remember, dear, if it’s doubtful, don’t.” The issue was settled. The man threw the shirt into the laundry hamper.

That wife’s advice reminds me of the principle in today’s text. It’s a principle that can be applied to questionable matters of conscience. If doubtful, don’t.

The doubtful things the apostle Paul wrote about in Romans 14 had to do with meat and wine considered to be “unclean” by some but not by others (vv.14,21). He indicated that if we have doubts about whether an action is right or wrong and we do it anyway, our action is not from faith and is therefore a sin (v.23). He also pointed out that it is wrong to do anything by which a brother in Christ “stumbles or is offended or is made weak” (v.21). We must never give another Christian a reason to violate his or her conscience.

When faced with questionable practices and a troubled conscience, we would do well to make this our guideline: If it’s doubtful, don’t! —Richard De Haan

There is a treasure you can own
That’s greater than a crown or throne;
This treasure is a conscience clear
That brings the sweetest peace and cheer. —Isenhour

One little word can spare us a lot of trouble. It’s NO.



Here are some fast, simple and delicious suggestions for revitalizing cooked turkey.

  • Turkey Bruschetta. Brush slices of Italian bread with olive oil. Top with minced garlic and toast in the oven. Spoon on a combination of turkey, shredded mozzarella cheese and chopped fresh basil. Broil until cheese melts.

  • Hot and spicy turkey chili. Combine sauteed green pepper and onion with turkey, canned tomatoes, canned red kidney beans and a touch of crushed red pepper. Top with corn chips.

  • Turkey grape salad. Combine turkey with halved green grapes, toasted sliced almonds, sliced green onions, orange zest and light mayonnaise.

  • Turkey stir fry. Stir turkey into stir fried broccoli florets and red bell pepper strips. Add minced garlic, fresh ginger, soy sauce and a sprinkle of sesame oil.

  • Turkey and spinach Tetrazzini. Combine turkey with cooked spaghetti, chopped sun dried tomatoes, a thawed package of frozen creamed spinach, minced garlic, and Parmesan cheese. Bake until heated through.

  • Breaded turkey Italian style. Dip turkey slices in beaten egg, coat with fine bread crumbs and brown in melted butter. Transfer to baking dish and top with spaghetti sauce, shredded mozzarella cheese, chopped mushrooms and green pepper. Bake until cheese melts.

***And finally, turkey flakes. Just dry some turkey flakes in the oven and sneak ’em into a box of corn flakes.



Tis the season to be frauded, fa la la la la, la la la la! (I’m not sure “frauded” is a real word, but I needed something with two syllables to make that line work.)  Anyway, scams are everywhere this time of year, and we have a list of ways to help prevent you from being a victim!

The National Fraud Center has released its Top 10 List of ways to keep from becoming a victim of consumer fraud.

  • Never leave your card, receipts or carbons behind after a transaction.

  • At an ATM be sure to shield others from seeing what you punch in.

  • Be very wary of requests for you to disclose your Social Security Number.

  • Never carry your Personal identification number in your wallet.

  • Limit the number of credit cards you carry with you (NONE is a good number).

  • Never give your account numbers to anyone calling you on the phone.

  • Keep a list of all account numbers somewhere at home so you can refer to them if your wallet or purse is stolen.

  • Never use your birth date, telephone number or other obvious number for your PIN.

  • Do not place any bill payments in your mailbox for pickup instead go to the post office.

  • Never allow anyone to put your store account number on a check used to make a purchase.



Don’t care for the taste of your toothpaste? Have you tried wasabi?

It’s pungent enough to clear sinuses and may help ward off cancer. Now a Japanese scientist says wasabi, the spicy green horseradish that typically accompanies sushi, also prevents tooth decay. The same chemical compounds that give the condiment its taste and aroma work to inhibit the growth of cavity-causing microbes. The garnish, made by grating the stems of the Wasabi japonica plant, has long been extolled for preventing dangerous blood clots and reducing the likelihood of cancer. Potent enough to bring tears to the eyes, it is also hailed as an anti-asthmatic. They say now all they need to do is come up with something to mask it’s pungent taste and Wasabi could be used as a form of dental care in the future.



  • Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. (Andrew, Age 9)
  • Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.  (Rocky, age 9)
  • Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning.” (Stephanie, age 8)
  • Don’t flush the john when your dad’s in the shower. (Lamar, age 10)
  • Never bug a pregnant mom.  (Nicholas, age 11)
  • When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. (Heather, age 16)
  • Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.  (Joel, age 12)
  • When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.  (Alyesha, age 13)
  • Never try to baptize a cat.  (Laura, age 13)
  • Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do.  (Hank, age 2)
  • Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. (Phillip, age 13)
  • When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.  (Matthew, age 12)



It’s the soggiest game of Monopoly ever played!

While most of us swim or play water games in the pool, a group of Norwegians decided to play a board game. Ten Norwegian divers have broken the world record for playing underwater Monopoly. They took turns to play the board game at the bottom of a tank for three days, beating the previous record by a day. The divers played in pairs for two to three hours at a time in a tank of 1,820 gallons of water. They used laminated cards, coins instead of bills, and nuts and bolts instead of plastic hotels and houses.  ***MARLAR: Playing Monopoly underwater would be perfect for me, I’m already in way over my head and drowning in debt.


If you switch your focus from dieting to just living a healthy lifestyle during the holidays, you’ll actually boost your chances of maintaining your perfect weight. “Many of us will gain at least five pounds from the middle of October through New Year’s Day,” said Stefanie Barthmare, a psychotherapist with the Methodist Weight Management Center in Houston. “Because weight gain is gradual, we don’t realize the damage of our indulgences right away. But the scale tells all when the holidays are over. That’s why ‘lose weight’ is at the top of our New Year’s resolution every year.” So rather than trying to lose weight between Halloween and New Year’s Day, focus instead on not gaining weight. That is, make it your goal to maintain your weight. Don’t count every calorie. Don’t restrict yourself from your favorite holiday foods. And stay active in your everyday life.  ***Just make sure the activity in your everyday life isn’t already overeating!  (Something I need to keep an eye on myself!)

If you’ve been living in America for more than a few weeks, you know that Thanksgiving is synonymous with turkey. And while we love all those side dishes, it’s the bird that takes center stage every year. For decades, if not centuries, roasting the turkey was the only acceptable way, and, indeed, the vast majority of Americans will roast their turkey this year as well. But in recent years, other methods have become trendy. In response, Yahoo Foods is stepping in to help. A recent article features every turkey recipe you’d ever need for the perfect Thanksgiving meal. Get some turkey ideas at

Capt. John “GiddyUp” Bunch is a professional fishing guide in Florida. But according to, his tours aren’t just for fishing enthusiasts — they’re for veterans. It started over a decade ago when Bunch met a young soldier who wanted to fish before being deployed. Since that trip out to sea, he’s offered free fishing trips for veterans. More than 1,200 trips, in fact. Bunch is the founder of a charity called Operation Open Arms, which also provides free vacations, weddings and more to vets. Bunch says it’s about patriotism. Read the full article at

Need some help with your Thanksgiving meal? The chefs from the Food Network are stepping in to help. They are out with a list of the 50 best Thanksgiving tips. From preparing your food in advance to making use of the leftovers, it’s all there.–50-best-thanksgiving-tips.html


I wish you could have seen our cat last night. She was lit up like a Christmas tree. She ate the tree lights. I think she’ll be all right but her tail keeps flashing. –HaLife


Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 18, 2016…

The Edge Of Seventeen—Hailee Steinfeld (who now has a singing career, too) stars as a young girl who doesn’t know what to do when her brother begins to date her best friend. Oh, my, what to do? “The Edge of Seventeen” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them—J. K. Rowlings has done it again, and this time, takes her readers to before the events of  “Harry Potter.”  Eddie Redmayne is Newt Scamander who is a magizoologist studying “Nifflers” among other animals. His job is to keep them contained…not that easy.  Also in the cast are Colin Farrell, Dan Fogler and Katherine Waterston. “Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Nocturnal Animals—This movie is based on the book, “Tony and Susan” by Austin Wright.  It tells of a married businesswoman (Amy Adams) who gets a book manuscript from her ex-husband (Jake Gyllenhaal), after many years. Then we become interested in the characters of the novel, are they real? Why this length of time to contact Amy? “Nocturnal Animals” is rated R. Rating of 2 for book fans.

The Disappointments Room—Kate Beckinsale can do comedy, as we found in “Love & Friendship,” but here she tackes a haunted house in the Deep South. Her husband (Mel Raido) and Kate move to his home, but is it a mistake? “The Disappointments Room” is rated R. No rating.

NOVEMBER 23, 2016…

Loving stars Ruth Negga and  Joel Edgerton as a black-white couple who get married in the 1960’s.

Allied has Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard as two spies during WWII.

Bad Santa 2 stars Billy Bob Thornton as a man trying to ruin Christmas. (Didn’t he already try??)

Moana is an animated film with the voice of Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) about an Island girl from 3000 years ago who wants to save her people.

Rules Don’t Apply is directed and stars, Warren Beatty, and about Howard Hughes.

Lion concerns a young Indian man who wants to trace his ancestry. Stars Dev Patel and Nicole Kidman.

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