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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151124
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Well, here it is… Thanksgiving. And you know what that means. All the really great Christmas gifts are already sold out. –HaLife
Now today’s safety tip for late sleepers who are in a big hurry: Do NOT try to stir your coffee with your electric toothbrush! –HaLife
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
(Something to remember while the relatives are visiting for Thanksgiving!) “A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.” –Proverbs 17:27
1 Corinthians 8:9 = Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. — Colossians 3:15
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Be joyful always. — 1 Thessalonians 5:16
Thought: Now wait just a minute. I have some pretty sorry days! Things don’t always go well for me! Some of my friends have abandoned me at my worst possible moments. How can I be joyful ALWAYS? “Simple, my child,” the Father reminds me. “First, joy is more than always feeling happy, but is instead, a deep abiding sense of being in God’s grace and purpose. Second, no matter where you are, no matter how hopeless things may seem, your life is bound for glory — my glory!” In the light of this incredible truth, all other things seem bland, out of touch, and insignificant.
Prayer: O LORD, please give me a clearer sense of your glory and victory. Please empower my faith to trust the truth of your conquest over hell. Please fill me with your Spirit and bring forth your fruit in my life. Please fill my mouth with joyful praise for all that you have done for me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Mark 11:24 NIV = Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – NOVEMBER 24, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 31 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
This is NATIONAL FAMILY WEEK, always the week of Thanksgiving. ***MARLAR: Just a thought – if you know someone that does not have a family, think about inviting them over to be a part of your family this coming Thursday! Plus you’ll have someone to help clear the table!
Today is CELEBRATE YOUR UNIQUE TALENT DAY. ***MARLAR: Unfortunately, my unique talent doesn’t come to full fruition until this Thursday at dinnertime.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Doctor Who Day
International Image Consultant Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24
Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day
D.B. Cooper Day
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25
International Day For The Elimination of Violence Against women Day
Shopping Reminder Day
Tie One On Day
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27
Fur Free Friday
Buy Nothing Day
Sinkie Day (Eating Over the Sink)
You’re Welcomegiving Day
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28
International Aura Awareness Day
Small Business Saturday
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Electronic Greetings Day
International Day of Solidarity With The Palistinian People
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30
Computer Security Day
Stay Home Because You’re Well Day
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 01
Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day
Civil Air Patrol Day
Day With(out) Art Day
Rosa Parks Day
ON THIS DAY
1835: The Texas Provincial Government authorized a national mounted police force to be known as the Texas Rangers.
1871: The National Rifle Association was incorporated.
1904: Fullback Sam McAllester was literally thrown for a touchdown to give Tennessee a 7-0 win over Alabama. McAllester wore handles on a wide leather belt, and his teammates actually threw him over the defense for the score.
1937: The Andrew Sisters recorded Decca record #1562, “Bei Mir Bist du Shoen.” In 1938 it would stay #1 for five weeks.
1941: Drummer Pete Best was born. In April 1960 Pete and three other Liverpool musicians formed the Beatles. Pete’s family lived over the Casbah Club, where the Beatles first performed. During the group’s first recording session in 1962, Pete was fired and replaced by Ringo Starr.
1955: The No. 1 pop song was “Sixteen Tons,” by Tennessee Ernie Ford.
1963: Nightclub owner Jack Ruby fatally shot accused Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald in the basement driveway of the Dallas city jail.
1979: “Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog peaked at #25 on the Billboard Hot 100 pop music chart.
1980: The #1 record in Australia was Joe Dolce’s “Shaddap You Face.”
1991: Little Richard, an ordained minister, officiated at the marriage of singer Cyndi Lauper and actor David Thornton.
1994: Three prisoners awaiting trial for theft and assault escaped from Arkansas’s Faulkner County Jail by crawling through air ducts. They used the tiny silver wheelbarrow from a Monopoly game to remove “tamper-resistant” screws on the air duct cover. ***MARLAR: They didn’t have to worry about going directly to jail or not collecting $200… they were already IN JAIL!
1998: America Online confirmed it was buying Netscape Communications in a deal ultimately worth $10 billion.
2000: The U.S. Supreme Court agreed to consider George W. Bush’s appeal against the hand recounting of presidential ballots in Florida.
2001: A part-time British inventor suffered whiplash when a squirrel landed on his head while he was out testing a bird-feeding hat. The squirrel, spying the feed on the hat’s tray, landed with such force the inventor was knocked to the ground and injured his neck. Both the inventor and the squirrel were from Crackpot Cottage, England.
2001: A team of scientists in Worcester, Massachusetts, reported the successful cloning of 24 cows.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1703: In Philadelphia, German_born pastor and hymnwriter Justus Falckner, 31, became the first Lutheran clergyman to be ordained in America.
1713: Birth of Father Junipero Serra, Spanish missionary to western America. From 1769, he established 9 of the first 21 Franciscan missions founded along the Pacific coast, and baptized some 6,000 Indians before his death in 1784.
1838: Canadian Sulpician missionary Franois Blanchet, 43, first arrived in the Oregon Territory. A native of Quebec, he spent 45 years planting churches in the American Northwest, and is remembered today as the “Apostle of Oregon.”
1880: In Montgomery, AL, more than 150 delegates from Baptist churches in 11 states met to form the Baptist Foreign Missions Convention of the United States. Liberian missionary William W. Colley was chief organizer, and the Rev. William H. McAlpine was elected the first president.
1941: American Trappist monk Thomas Merton wrote in his “Secular Journal”: ‘Spiritual dryness is an acute experience of longing therefore of love.’
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Knocked Up, “Grey’s Anatomy”, The Ugly Truth, “Roswell”) Katherine Heigl 37
- Actor/celebrity son (Orange County, “Roswell”, King Kong) actor Colin Hanks 38
- actress (Deep Impact, Lieutenant Tasha Yar on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”) Denise Crosby 59
- Actor (“The Jefferson’s” Lionel Jefferson) Damon Evans, 65
- Actor/comedian (The Last Samurai) Billy Connolly, 73
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1868 : Scott Joplin
1912 : Teddy Wilson
1925 : Al Cohn
1929 : Eileen Barton
1932 : Tommy Allsup (The Crickets)
1939 : Jim Yester (The Association)
1940 : Johnny Carver
1941 : Donald “Duck” Dunn (Booker T. & the MG’s)
1941 : Pete Best (The Beatles)
1942 : Billy Connolly
1943 : Richard Tee
1943 : Robin Williamson (The Incredible String Band)
1944 : Bob Lind
1945 : Bev Bevan (Electric Light Orchestra)
1945 : Lee Michaels
1957 : Chris Hayes (Huey Lewis and the News)
1962 : John Squire (The Stone Roses)
1970 : Chad Taylor (Live)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
What logical answer can Christians give to that difficult question of ‘How do we know there’s a God?’
When one asks that question in the typical church, the usual answer is that we should just accept by faith that God has always existed. Even though that’s true, God’s Word commands us to give reasons for what we believe. Otherwise, non-Christians may think Christianity is blind faith—but it’s not. When asked this question, you could use examples like the Presidents’ sculpted heads on Mount Rushmore – explain that they didn’t get there by millions of years of wind and water erosion. It’s obvious someone using intelligence carved them. Now consider our brain – it’s far more complicated than the most advanced computer. Just as someone designed and constructed the computer, obviously a greater intelligence designed and constructed our brain. Actually, nowhere in the world do we ever see information systems like machines coming from disorder by chance. It always takes intelligence – which means information. This means you need to have information to start with – thus the only logical way to think is that you must start with infinite information – an infinite intelligence! The answer’s in Genesis – ‘In the beginning, God…’
(Answers in Genesis)
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Bring laughter, music, and special memories to your Christmas celebration with David Jeremiah’s 25 days of Christmas. Visit the web site every day beginning December 1 to find a new Christmas gift from Turning Point. You can also sign up at http://ow.ly/UOysP.
Ever been on a tour bus before? Now Switchfoot is giving you the chance. Check out their traveling home away from home through a tour with Jon Forman.
Jaun Devevo this week laid an old friend to rest. He shared online: I’ve had this suitcase since the beginning of Crowns and it’s never let me down and it was perfect for a weekend run. I grow attachments for things that last a long time, and this was no exception. Rest in piece, Red Suitcase.
Comedian Ken Davis seems to be hitting it off with the ladies. The Lady Bugs that is. He tweeted: Just went outside in shorts. Eaten alive by ladybugs! I’ve never heard of this. Are old man white legs that attractive!
Switchfoot Front man Jon Forman recently completed 25 shows in 24 hours. Now show number 20 is available online. Check out the Red Trolley Show… https://youtu.be/DCUE2m2mfi4
Laura Story released her first Christmas album this year, titled God With Us. Now Media Collective is sharing her favorite Christmas things. They include…
…Favorite Christmas Memory // For the past ten years, I’ve had the honor of spending Christmas Eve with my church family at Perimeter’s Christmas Eve Service. Every year, we close the service by singing “Silent Night,” each holding candles that are lit row by row as we sing. There’s a feeling that comes over us that truly can’t be put into words as we see the light start at that initial Christ candle and spread throughout the room. It’s a simple reminder that’s why Jesus came.
…Favorite Christmas CD // Amy Grant
…Favorite Holiday Food // Publix Peppermint Ice Cream (only available in December)
…Favorite Christmas Tradition // We used to have a sweet tradition of leaving after the last Christmas Eve service at Perimeter and driving to one of our parents’ houses, singing Christmas carols the whole way.
…Favorite Christmas Gift // DIAPERS!!
We know know Jason Gray’s Kryptonite. He shared a picture of a bag of Oreos and tweeted: Somebody brought kryptonite backstage.
Natalie Grant might have to start giving out school excuse slips. Natalie was featured on Fox and Friends one day this week. In response, a fan wrote: my son won’t leave for school until he watches you sing, we need a late slip.
It’s a busy week for Mercyme. The band kicked things off with Danny Gokey, performing for 45,000 people at Macy’s Atlanta Annual Great Tree Lighting this past weekend. They will be on the Fox and Friends morning show Wednesday morning. They’ll wrap up the week Thursday by performing on the Mount Rushmore American Pride Float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Mercyme will also be featured in People Magazine’s country issue in late November and on a Fox News Christmas special during December.
A reminder from Brandon Heath: It’s that time of the year again. Resist the temptation to jump right into Christmas because first things first. Don’t put the sleigh before the turkey. Christmas isn’t here yet.
ODD & STRANGE NEWS…
(THIS WILL BE CHANGING SOON DUE TO MYNEWS SHUTTING DOWN. I WILL LOOK TO FIND MATERIAL ELSEWHERE, BUT LETTING YOU KNOW THAT THIS WILL LOOK DIFFERENT SOON.)
|Cheating accusations mar Zimbabwe’s ‘Mister Ugly’ contest photo
HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — Pageant judges have crowned a new winner of Zimbabwe’s 4th annual “Mister Ugly” contest, upsetting supporters of the crowd favorite who called the winner too handsome and prompting rioting at the event. Judges on Saturday chose 42-year-old Mison Sere, citing his…
|Condo board wants pet DNA to track down poopers
DESTIN, Fla. (AP) — Some Florida condo owners are steaming after their homeowners association asked them to submit their dog’s DNA in order to fine owners who don’t pick up after their pets. Harbor Landing residents said they received a letter last week and some feel it’s an invasion of…
|Albuquerque man held at gunpoint by victims back in jail
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) — An Albuquerque burglary suspect who was held at gunpoint by two of his victims is back in jail after allegedly committing another robbery. Police say 26-year-old Aaron Lujan was arrested Saturday night on several charges including aggravated assault with a deadly…
|Front-runners, total dark horses to run in New Hampshire
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — The near-record field for the upcoming New Hampshire primary includes favored front-runners and a dark horse touting a pony-heavy platform. The filing period for the 2016 primary ended Friday with 30 Republicans and 28 Democrats signing paperwork and paying the $1,000…
|Castleton University’s mascot has been missing for a month
CASTLETON, Vt. (AP) — Castleton University’s green-caped Spartan mascot hasn’t been seen in a month and school officials say they want him back. The costume known as Sparty disappeared from the Student Government Association offices sometime between late September and the middle of October….
|Armed Albuquerque couple gets upper hand on burglar
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) — An Albuquerque couple turned the tables on a burglar caught loading their belongings into his car. Albuquerque police spokesman Tanner Tixier says officers were called about a possible burglary Thursday. What they found was a 70-year-old man and his 66-year-old wife…
|SUV driven through glass doors, stolen off showroom floor
OCALA, Fla. (AP) — Authorities have arrested a man they say stole two big screen TVs at a Honda dealership in central Florida, loaded them into an SUV on the showroom floor and drove through double glass doors in an attempt to make a getaway. Ocala Police say Vantice Beshears, 46, crashed…
|Woman reunited with dog that vanished 7 years ago in Ohio photo
HAMILTON, Ohio (AP) — A Tennessee resident reunited with her dog that disappeared seven years ago from her old home in Ohio says she can’t even describe how happy she was to see her pet. Mishka was 3 years old when she vanished from the backyard of owner Paula Graff’s home in Hamilton. But…
|‘I’ve been framed’ felon ex-mayor quips at portrait reveal photo
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) — A portrait of former mayor and two-time felon Buddy Cianci was unveiled at City Hall, and Cianci couldn’t resist telling a one-liner referring to his criminal past. “It’s not the first time I’ve been framed,” Cianci cracked Thursday to an overflow crowd of cheering…
|Man swings samurai sword at Apple store, terrifies customers
NEW YORK (AP) — A man swinging a samurai sword at an Apple store terrified shoppers on Friday. The man walked into the Manhattan store and began waving the sword, authorities said. A video posted online showed him swinging the sword as he walked down a staircase. Lawyer Nancy Birnbaum, who…
|Amish man runs marathon in traditional slacks and suspenders photo
HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) — An Amish man turned heads as he whizzed by fellow runners at a recent marathon — not because of his speed but because of his unusual racing attire. Twenty-two-year-old Leroy Stolzfus finished the 26.2-mile Harrisburg Marathon on Nov. 8 in just over three hours and…
HEALTH & FITNESS NEWS…
(THIS WILL BE CHANGING SOON DUE TO MYNEWS SHUTTING DOWN. I WILL LOOK TO FIND MATERIAL ELSEWHERE, BUT LETTING YOU KNOW THAT THIS WILL LOOK DIFFERENT SOON.)
|Older workers seeking options for reducing hours on the job photo
Roberton Williams’ plan was to retire on his government pension and take a part-time job to make up the difference in salary. It didn’t quite work out that way. Williams, 68, did retire but then started another full-time job with the Tax Policy Center, a Washington think tank. “The plan was to work…
|Born with no voice & low odds, boy talks with new voice box photo
Grant Hasse was born with two very rare conditions — one that’s usually fatal, the other that should have left him unable to talk. But at almost 4 years old, he’s a healthy bundle of energy after three dozen surgeries, including an innovative operation to create a new voice box. Doctors…
|Experts foresee big premium increases for Medicare drug plan photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — With time running out on open enrollment season, many seniors are facing sharply higher premiums for Medicare’s popular prescription drug program. The reason: rising drug costs have overtaken a long stretch of stable premiums. Beneficiaries have until Dec. 7 to see if…
|New $710-a-day drug saves lives but strains state budgets
MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) — A newly approved drug is being hailed as a major advance in treatment of cystic fibrosis, a life-threatening genetic disease that clogs the lungs with mucus and forces patients to struggle to breathe. But it comes with a punishing price tag — about $710 per…
|AP FACT CHECK: Most GOP candidates flunk climate science photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — When it comes to climate science, two of the three Democratic presidential candidates are A students, while most of the Republican contenders are flunking, according to a panel of scientists who reviewed candidates’ comments. At the request of The Associated Press, eight…
|Scientists say feeding fish soy, not fish, more sustainable
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. (AP) — Research supported by the soybean industry is looking to convert some farm-raised fish into vegetarians. A South Dakota State University fisheries scientist is developing a soy protein feed that’s tasty and easily digestible to eventually reduce the industry’s need…
|NFL players talk openly to help destigmatize mental illness photo
HOUSTON (AP) — Arian Foster was in a bad place, drinking heavily to self-medicate and deal with the problems in his life. The Houston Texans running back knew he needed help but was reluctant to seek it because of the stigma surrounding mental health issues. He overcame that fear, sought…
|High school Sex Ed teaching ‘Yes means yes’ rape prevention photo
BELMONT, Calif. (AP) — This is the new look of high school sex ed: A roomful of teens, 14-year-olds mostly, is told that a girl and boy meet at a school dance. The boy drives her home. They kiss. What happens next, over the girl’s protests, leaves him confused and her crying, no longer a…
|Insurers reassure investors about ACA exchange business photo
Health insurers rallied Friday to ease investor and customer concerns about the Affordable Care Act’s public insurance exchanges a day after the nation’s biggest insurer questioned its future in that still-developing market. Blue Cross-Blue Shield insurer Anthem and Medicaid coverage provider…
|FDA approves Takeda drug for blood cancer multiple myeloma
NEW YORK (AP) — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration on Friday approved a third drug to treat multiple myeloma, a type of blood cancer. The approved pill, called Ninlaro, is made by Japan’s Takeda Pharmaceutical Co. The FDA approved two other multiple myeloma treatments this year, one from…
|APNewsBreak: Nevada issues health guidelines for cryotherapy photo
LAS VEGAS (AP) — Nevada has created health guidelines for cryotherapy after a Las Vegas spa worker was found dead in a tank that subjects users to subzero temperatures, a treatment that experts say has been growing in popularity but is largely unregulated and whose benefits are not proven….
(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Fifteen percent of teens report having received “inappropriate” photos via text. ***The remaining 85% are known pathological liars.
Farm Bureau says average cost of Thanksgiving dinner is $5 per guest. According to Today Food, each year AFBF conducts what they call “an informal price survey of classic [Thanksgiving] items.” To gather research, AFBF sent 138 volunteer members in 32 states to report on prices at their local grocery stores. In their imaginary shopping cart were a 16-pound frozen turkey, sweet potatoes, carrots and celery, frozen peas, fresh cranberries, bread stuffing ingredients, a package of brown-and-serve rolls and pumpkin pie fixings. They also included coffee and dairy items like whipped cream, butter and milk. ***All of that for just five bucks per person. That’s not bad. I may have to reconsider my traditional Thanksgiving Whopper plan.
Police in Canada (Thunder Bay, Ontario) are looking for a man who allegedly robbed a pair of convenience stores Saturday morning. Police are looking for a man who was wielding an automotive snowbrush and scraper. ***Oh, so THAT’S what those brushes are for. I knew they had to be for something – because they are completely useless for removing snow from the windshield.
A man in New York City was arrested Friday after police say he terrified shoppers by swinging a samurai sword around an Apple store. *** Some people will do anything to slash prices… which, let’s face it, is desperately needed at the Apple store.
Brace yourself, holiday travelers. Airports and train stations across the U.S. are expected to implement additional layers of security for this year’s Thanksgiving travel and are on heightened alert to protect our nation’s skies and railways. Significant additional layers of security are routine during the American holiday season, but the recent events in France are sure to contribute. ***All of that to say you should be leaving for the airport… NOW.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) is apparently a real thing for social media users. In fact, a new survey revealed 56% of social media users are afraid of missing out on events, news and important status updates if they are away from social networks. ***MARLAR: While 56% fear they’ll miss something important, ironically, it’s only .00056% of posts that qualify as such. The rest are pictures of cats and food.
Recent research (Heriot-Watt University in the U.K.) found that the brain enters a meditative state when going through green spaces. The findings don’t mean the green space triggered spacing out — rather, the engagement required to walk through a green space is more effortless. ***MARLAR: Meaning that actors using green screens are the most disengaged people on the planet.
According to a Gallup poll, most Americans still get their news from television. ***MARLAR: Which explains why most of America has no clue as to what is truly happening in the world.
A survey has found that sending a text message is now the most popular way to ask someone out on a first date. ***MARLAR: It’s also the most popular way to tell someone they are a complete loser for not having the guts to ask you out in person.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Ballpark Stands”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Wood, “Babe / Racially Mixed Couples”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, everyone was running for their lives to get away from a Razzleflabbin called The Plaid Guy! Nobody knew why they were scared of him, but they were all terrified… and the Plaid Guy was about to catch Marvy when Marvy finally ducked behind a tree!
CLOSE: The Plaid Guy doesn’t seem all that scary anymore… but is it a trick? Is he really a nice guy, or is he secretly plotting to use Marvy to get the other Razzleflabbins to come out so he can get them all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 28/29
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
CLOSE: Wow, hard to believe this entire time we’ve never had a lion – the king of the jungle – in As the Jungle Turns! Tune in next time to find out what happens!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
The Humane Society is being accused of abusing animals!
In Madison, Wisconsin, Jorge Iglesias had 66 roosters and hens confiscated by police in a suspected cockfighting raid. The animals are currently being cared for by the Dane County Humane Society. But Jorge has now petitioned a judge to have them released back to him because he believes the Human Society is treating them with “cruel and barbaric” abuse. Accused… by the same guy who had the roosters and hens confiscated for suspected cockfighting.
THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU GOT A BAD BIRD FOR THANKSGIVING
#10) When in water, it floats upside down.
#9) Glows when you turn out the lights.
#8) Cooking instructions include recipe for “Kaopectate” gravy
#7) One of the legs is made of wood.
#6) “Ptomaine Tips'” the video, is packed in bird’s cavity.
#5) It rejects the stuffing.
#4) Giblets, smell like moth balls.
#3) Has a tattoo on it’s back.
#2) Injected with basting “ointment.”
#1) Skid marks on turkey’s back because it was used in a bowling tournament.
TEN FUN WAYS TO GET RID OF TELEMARKETERS
- 10. Pretend you don’t speak English.
- 9. Say “Hold on,” then scream to a nonexistent person: “If you try to take the knife out, it’ll just hurt worse!”
- 8. Burst into tears when money is mentioned.
- 7. Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.
- 6. Tell them you’ll accept their offer if they can guess the color of your socks.
- 5. Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.
- 4. As soon as they identify themselves, say, “You guys are still in business? I thought you went under after the scandal at your company.”
- 3. Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.
- 2. Mutter: “Oh, no. Not another one. The last Jehovah’s Witness almost got me the death penalty.”
- 1. HANG UP THE PHONE!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Ranch dressing becomes a weapon in today’s files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: In Boise, Idaho, 18-year-old Tiffany M. Wallace was arrested after she allegedly rammed her pickup into another car. But that’s not the worst of it. She also — dare I even say it– hurled ranch salad dressing at the other vehicle! The driver of the other car told police the encounter began after he was cut off by Wallace. He said she later cut him off again, yelled at him and threw coins and plastic containers of ranch dressing at his car. The victim said Wallace later rammed his car at least three times in a parking lot.
FILE #2: In Erie, Pennsylvania, a man who was robbed of his jacket, cell phone, keys and $300 was left with the strange feeling that one of his two muggers looked awfully familiar. That would be because they went to school together about 15 years ago. Police arrested 30-year-old Anthony Williams after the victim pulled out some old yearbooks and figured out they both attended Central Career and Technical School in the mid-1990s.
FILE #3: A very vain and very cocky burglar has shocked the local newspaper and authorities by offering up a better picture than his mug shot. In Swansea, Wales, 23-year-old Matthew Maynard said he was not pleased with the mug shot photo the South Wales Evening Post published of him so he first called to complain, then sent in a “better photo” of himself — amazingly standing next to a police van. But police said Maynard’s stunt is likely to backfire as the newspaper printed the photo on its front page. One officer said, “He thinks he is being clever by showing off like this, but we’ll have him in soon now.”
STRANGE LAW: It’s illegal for women to wear pants in Paris, France. Wait…what? The law has been on the books since 1800, and it’s survived numerous attempts at repeal. The UK Telegraph reports that the law states the women are banned from dressing like men, namely by wearing pants. The law stipulates that any Parisienne wishing to dress like a man “must present herself to Paris’ main police station to obtain authorization.” In 1892, it was amended to allow a woman to wear trousers “as long as the woman is holding the reins of a horse.” It was further watered down in 1909, when the city allowed women to wear pants if they were “on a bicycle or holding it by the handlebars.”
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
In Brant Township, Michigan, one 54-year-old woman has proven that pot keeps you from thinking straight…
…she called police to report that two men had broken into her home and STOLE HER MARIJUANA PLANTS! So the police went to investigate and arrested the woman on charges of manufacturing and delivering marijuana. Of course she claimed it was all for personal, medical use but somehow couldn’t produce a medical marijuana card. So now she’s sitting in jail.
Today is CELEBRATE YOUR UNIQUE TALENT DAY. What is your unique talent? What can you do that most others you know cannot?
What questions should every woman ask a man before she gets serious? Stuff like, “Whose job is it to clean the bathroom?” and “Who’s the strongest woman you know?” What questions should women have the answers to?
Of course, this works the other way around too. What questions should a man know the answers to before getting serious about a woman?
What’s your best tip for making the holiday season less stressful?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who was the first bigamist to be mentioned in the Bible?
ANSWER: Lamech (Genesis 4)
QUESTION: How long of a line can you write with one #2 lead pencil?
ANSWER: The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- According to the Butterball corporation, they recommend that you thaw a wrapped turkey in the refrigerator one day for each four pounds the bird weighs. (True)
- Thanksgiving is celebrated only in the United States. (False – it’s celebrated in Canada as well.)
- The Greek Goddess of Corn is Cornucopia. (False – it’s Demeter)
- The first department store to hold a Thanksgiving parade was Macy’s. (False – it was Gimbel’s)
- Butterball says that once the turkey is done, you should let it stand for 15 minutes before serving because it’ll be easier to carve. (False – they recommend the 15 minutes of cool time to let the stuffing cool a bit before you take it out.)
- The Indians who were invited to the Thanksgiving feast were of the Wampanoag tribe. Their chief was named Squanto. (False – his namne was Massasoit.)
- The ships the Pilgrims came over on were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. (False – they came on the Mayflower. The Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria were with Christopher Columbus!)
- The captain of the Mayflower was Christopher Jones. (True.)
- Abraham Lincoln was the first U.S. President to establish Thanksgiving as a legal national holiday to be held the 4th Thursday in November. (False – that was Franklin D. Roosevelt)
- In Canada, they celebrate Thanksgiving in October. (True – and that is more closely related to the time the original Thanksgiving took place as well.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
“Car Thief Gets ________!” (CARJACKED)
The thief who stole a Chevy Silverado in Salinas, California, ironically lost the vehicle to an armed carjacker after he stopped for gas! Edward Bishop told police he stole the truck then, while sitting outside a convenience store, a man with a gun hopped in and ordered him to start driving. The pickup ran out of gas and the gunman ordered Ed to get out and push, but Ed then ran away and called police.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,” I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That’s right — the driver’s side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.
Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.
Not only that — you’d be surprised at how many people waved back.
An American was touring Wales, and upon entering a hotel in one town, noticed the words, “tam htab” written on the mat.
“Ah!” he said, “I suppose that’s Welsh for Welcome.”
“No, sir,” replied the doorman. “That’s the bath mat upside down.”
Researchers claim that eating an unusually heavy meal could trigger a heart attack – especially in people who already have heart disease – with the risk of an attack jumping four times in the two hours after a large meal. ***MARLAR: Oh, and before we forget – have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Researchers say brain scans can accurately reveal whether a person is lying or telling the truth. ***MARLAR: The challenge now is getting politicians to WEAR the helmets.
Superman was once bitten by Dracula, but because Superman is fueled by the sun, Dracula immediately exploded.
DINNER TIPS FOR SAVING TIME & MONEY
Some timesaving Thanksgiving dinner tips:
- A trip to the all-u-can eat buffet on Wednesday, can supply you with bowls of pre-prepared Thanksgiving day treats! (Important though to bring large plastic Ziplocs to keep items separated.)
- Quickly defrost a turkey with the help of the family dryer. You can throw in some hand towels to quiet some noise.
- Replace pumpkin pie with heated slices of last month’s jack-o-lantern!
- To stretch the cranberry sauce, just add ketchup. Once it hits the dinner plate, no one will notice.
- If it’s placed in a blender for a short period of time, last week’s leftovers look just like stuffing. Might need to add a couple of slices of white bread or croutons.
- Kentucky Fried Chicken, thinly sliced, can be passed of as a pre-sliced turkey. Just make sure to hide the tell-tale red and white bucket.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that it is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, and then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don’t.
(2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don’t hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don’t smoke or drink,
(8) don’t want to wear your clothes,
(9) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children…..
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Searching for gold in Illinois turns out to be a bust for one woman.
An Illinois woman who set out on a treasure hunt for buried gold coins after finding a cryptic note in an antique rocking chair may have been the victim of a prolific prankster who died more than 30 years ago. With help of a donated backhoe, Patty Henken recently tore up a vacant lot in Springfield, Ill., where a typewritten note signed by “Chauncey Wolcott” — found in an old chair she bought at auction last November — suggested she would find a chest containing more than $250 in U.S. gold coins. The dig turned up nothing but bricks and old bottles. Henken planned to return Tuesday with the donated services of a man with ground-penetrating radar meant to detect any buried items, but the treasure note’s promise may already be debunked. An Iowa woman who read news accounts of the hunt said she knows Wolcott’s true identity: John “Jay” Slaven, a notorious practical joker and coin collector who often used a typewriter in his pranks. Slaven used the pen name “Chauncey Wolcott” and lived for decades at the location where the dig took place, until his 1976 death, according to Betty Atkinson Ryan of Mason City, Iowa.
I AM THANKFUL FOR…
- For the teenager who is not doing dishes but is watching TV because that means he is at home and not on the streets.
- For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.
- For the mess to clean after the party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
- For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
- For the lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
- For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech.
- For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
- For my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
- For the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
- For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
- For the alarm that goes off early in the morning hours because it means that I am alive.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Approaching my first Thanksgiving away from home, I gratefully accepted the invitation from a fellow student to spend the day with his family. For some reason, I pictured them living in a comfortable house in an affluent neighborhood. With visions of relaxing and watching football, I asked him what game he planned to see. When he told me that his family didn’t have a TV set, I almost decided not to go. But hanging around the dorm was a poor alternative so I went anyway, hoping that a big meal would outweigh the lack of football.
After 2 hours of driving, I pulled up in front of an older, two-story frame house in Grays River, Washington. I saw my college friend tossing the last few pieces of firewood onto a full pickup load, and he shouted for me to come along. We stopped at a little cabin a mile up a muddy road, stacked the wood, and received the warm thanks of a young woman holding a baby. “We try to help her out,” my friend said as we drove away. “She doesn’t have a husband.”
I cannot tell you what we ate for the holiday meal, but I vividly recall the crowd of family and friends around the table, and an afternoon filled with more laughter than any Thanksgiving I can remember. A year never passes that I don’t recall a cold, drizzly day in Grays River so filled with warmth and light and love.
What made it so memorable?
I’ve concluded that while I approached Thanksgiving thinking of all I could receive, my hosts were thinking of all they could give. They had discovered the truth expressed by Jesus, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). I also believe that their gifts of firewood, friendship, and food were not unusual acts reserved for national holidays. They were the expression of a daily lifestyle focused on how they could express the love of Christ by helping others.
Thanksgiving reminds us of all we have been given by God, and invites us to discover the incredible joy of giving it away.
(From Campus Journal)
PEOPLE OVER PROFITS
Masters, give your bondservants what is just and fair, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven. —Colossians 4:1
When Truett Cathy started his first restaurant in 1946, it was closed on Sundays to give his employees time to be with their families and to attend church. It’s still true today of the more than 1,000 Chick-fil-A fast-food outlets franchised by his company.
Cathy’s slogan is: “Put people and principles before profit.” It’s a motto each of us can make our own, whether we give orders or take them on the job.
The apostle Paul had a word for employers and employees in Colossians 3:22-4:1. He said we need to remember that we have a Master in heaven (4:1), and we are to work from our hearts to please Him, not just the person watching us (3:22-24).
Truett Cathy strives to remain true to biblical principles in his business. Larry Julian, author of God Is My CEO, a book about Cathy and other business leaders, says: “God doesn’t promise a tangible return on investments, but He promises the fruits of the Spirit, love and peace and joy, on a personal level. Cathy is not only experiencing peace and joy and love in his life personally, but he’s also making a difference to his foster children, his own children and grandchildren, and his employees. He’s leaving a legacy on how you can do things the right way.”
That’s an example we can take to work. —David McCasland
“Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism.” –Colossians 3:22-25
Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven. –Colossions 4:1
RED HOT CHILI!
If you like your chili hot — I mean really hot — the place to go is India.
…Scientists say the world’s hottest chili is called Tezpur chili, named after the area it’s grown in India. It’s grown in the Assam region, which is best known for tea production not for chili, and they say it is 50% hotter than the previously hottest chili, Mexico’s Red Savina Habanero. The stuff is so hot that women there use it in the same way women in other countries use mace. And while the locals are used to it, it’s not recommended for the faint of heart. Drinking water won’t even help — in fact it only heightens the chili’s intensity. Milk or yogurt are the only antidotes that will take some of the bite out of the spicy hot Tezpur chili.
LIFE… LIVE IT
FIRST TIME WITH HIS OR HER FAMILY DURING THE HOLIDAYS?
If you’re meeting your significant other’s family for the first time this year during the holidays, here are a few tips from relationship experts:
- Get briefed — Get the skinny on his/her parents before you meet them – where they grew up, what their hobbies are, what kind of things they detest.
- Come bearing gifts — Any gift, big or small, says you’re a thoughtful person.
- Be yourself — Sure you’re trying to impress, but don’t change your personality.
- Look them in the eye — Upon meeting, stand up straight, be confident and shake the parent’s hand, all the while looking him or her in the eye.
- Watch your language — Try not to swear, even if it’s common for you.
- Lend a hand — Just one or two polite offers are enough to impress.
- Watch the PDA (Public Display of Affection) – Even if you know the parents well, snuggling and kissing in front of them is rude and impolite. Keep cute pet names and physical affection away from the parents.
JUST FOR FUN
Ever get hot at your spouse about something? One wife got so hot at her husband during an argument that their house burned down!
A woman got so angry with her husband that she took one of his shirts from a closet and set it on fire, but the blaze spread and burned down their house. Sharon Kirkman was charged with arson for the fire that caused about $65,000 in damage. They lost everything, and all because of her little temper tantrum which, according to investigators, was over a minor argument at the house. ***MARLAR: Men… look out for your wife’s hot flashes!
SIGNS YOUR NEW NEIGHBORS ARE PILGRIMS
- Every time wife uses garage door opener, accuse her of being a witch
- They always say their favorite kind of music is “Plymouth Rock”
- Moving company that brought them here: Mayflower
- On Sundays, you hear someone next door yelling “Goeth Patriots!”
REAL ANSWERS GIVEN BY CHILDREN
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
FOUR THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THANKSGIVING
- Thanksgiving Was Meant to Be a Fast Not a Feast: Originally meant to be a fast, not a feast. The settlers at Plymouth Rock recognized “giving of thanks” in the form of prayer, and refraining from food. But, when the Wampanoag Indians joined the feast they contributed their own harvest traditions. Dancing, games, and feasting from their ancient festival, Nickommoh, which meant to “give away” or “exchange.”
- The First TV Dinner Was Thanksgiving Leftovers in 1953: In 1953, someone at Swanson overestimated how many turkeys Americans would consume that Thanksgiving. A company salesman named Gerry Thomas ordered aluminum trays, recruited an assembly line of women who began creating mini-feasts of turkey, corn-bread dressing, peas and sweet potatoes. Creating the first-ever TV dinner.
- President FDR Tried to Change the Date: In 1939, the president declared that Americans should celebrate the feast one week earlier, hoping to increase retail sales during the Great Depression. Americans did not act kindly towards this new deal. Some took to the streets and other had bad things to say about it. Two years later in 1941, Congress adopted a resolution setting the fourth Thursday of November as the legal holiday.
- Mary Had a Little Thanksgiving: The woman who wrote, “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” Sarah Josepha Hale, played an essential role in making Thanksgiving a national holiday. In 1863, she convinced President Abraham Lincoln to issue a decree recognizing the historic tradition after a 17 year letter writing campaign.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
8 Ways to avoid holiday weight gain – here are four of them…
- Eat before you eat.
- Use a smaller plate.
- Choose healthier options.
- Three words: ‘No, thank you.’
Get the other four at: http://bit.ly/1YhaMz7
It’s Thanksgiving – but are you having a hard time finding something to be thankful for? Revive Our Hearts has released 100 Reasons Every Human Can Be Thankful. The first 10 include:
- Breath in our lungs.
- Food in our bellies.
- The wonders of creation like:
- Ocean waves
Find the rest at http://buff.ly/216gQNg
Bring laughter, music, and special memories to your Christmas celebration with David Jeremiah’s 25 days of Christmas. Visit the web site every day beginning December 1 to find a new Christmas gift from Turning Point. You can also sign up at http://ow.ly/UOysP.
THANKSGIVING FOOD FACTS:
76% of Americans will attend a Thanksgiving meal that includes prayer
44% of Millennials won’t serve cranberry sauce
44% of Millennials will serve ham
44% of Americans plan on hosting Thanksgiving dinner
24% of those will go to another house for a second meal.
WHAT YOU LOVE TO EAT MOST:
7% Mashed Potatoes
7% Sweet potato casserole
4% Green bean casserole
- Friendsgivings are on the rise: A third of all Americans plan to spend some time this Thanksgiving with friends
- The more the merrier: Most Americans — 72 percent of them — plan to attend a dinner with more than five people this holiday.
- One dinner is not always enough: Nearly a quarter of everyone who hosts a Thanksgiving dinner say they’ll also go to someone else’s house for a second meal.
- Pets are getting in on the action: 22 percent said they plan to incorporate the family pet into the holiday
- We’re a nation of planners: 47 percent say they’ll get a head start at least a month out.
- More than half of people won’t shop on Black Friday.
- Although there are plenty buzzy food trends these days, they won’t play a big role in Thanksgiving feasts. Only 7 percent say they’re avoiding gluten-free fare or carbohydrates, a mere 8 percent say they’ll eschew dairy, and a paltry 6 percent say meat is out.
- Most people are flying solo in the kitchen: 83 percent of Thanksgiving hosts prepare the entire thing by their lonesome.
- Family recipes are still everyone’s favorite. A whopping 75 percent of people say they’ll use recipes handed down by their families.
- Pumpkin pie is the best pie of all the pies. The classic won out over apple pie and pecan pie.
TRUTH OR TURKEY?
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
We’re not buying a turkey this year. We’ve still got leftovers from last year.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
In case you are wondering, Thanksgiving may or may not be the busiest travel time of the year. There seems to be disagreement here. The Department of Transportation claims Thanksgiving is the busiest long-distance travel day overall. BUT…91 percent of that travel turns out to be by automobile. For air travelers and other commercial modes, Orbitz still crowned Thanksgiving Eve numero uno.
This provides a good opportunity to share the ongoing woes of today’s air travelers. This is kindled freshly in my mind as I recently had long distance flights to Israel and back. Also, my son and daughter-in-law just arrived from California with stories.
But let’s start with this recent headline from the Chicago Tribune: “5 Reasons United Might Finally Be Improving Its On-Time Rate.” After all, United is the world’s second-largest airline. And let’s admit … the friendly skies get less friendly if you keep showing up late!
To the good credit side, United is making some progress under their new CEO. October was one of their best months in their history. On the poor performance side, this rough assessment: “In 2012, United botched its combination of the merged airlines’ reservation systems, the technological backbone of an airline. For months, glitches and poor airport employee training led to rampant flight delays and cancellations. That damaged United’s profits as corporate customers fled to competitors.”
So the price of customer dissatisfaction supposedly means you lose business. But not so fast. There’s still a ways to go.
First, has anyone noticed the airline rows are narrower? Seats getting smaller? Legroom shorter? If you haven’t, you may not fly a lot.
These three scrunching techniques that bug paying customers drive improved profits for the airline. Forget the long lost meals on long domestic flights. Ignore those commercials showing comfy passengers on a plane. Get real…and get scrunched.
I’m an oversized customer to the airline. I’m around 6’2” tall and over 200 pounds. Fairly broad shoulders. On our recent Israel trip, I had an aisle seat, which helped me avoid crushing other passengers by climbing over them to get something overhead or use the washroom.
However, during the twelve hour flight, I mistakenly put my elbows on the arm rest. This resulted in cart bruising. Then there were the people bringing their luggage on board smashing my sides as they navigated to their seats. And the up-and-down-the-aisle bumps from passengers during the flight. Admittedly, I was in economy. But I was flying on the airline that used to brag they were something “special in the air”!
But among the worst passenger offenses these days is the boarding procedure. On these same flights, you are put into groups. Pity those in “Group 5.” You might have considered traveling with the bags.
Priority boarding now offers early access to about ten groups BEFORE they get to the Group 1 ticket holders. This includes any of the airlines’ favored status people. I was in the “Oh, are you actually flying with us?” group. It was my fellow passengers, however, who got the brunt of the problem.
These days, the airlines let you bring rollerboard suitcases on to cram in the overhead compartments. If you are in the highly favored groups, your super size bags usually get on — even if you take up all the space to the end of the plane. This leaves NO room for the bags of the later boarders. So the airline requires these poor folks to now check their bag before getting on the plane. Sayonara, needed travel items! Many tail end customers had to check bags.
One in our group had her medications in said bag. She was told there was “no room in the bin.” (Sounds like a modern day Christmas story.) This was on the short flight. BUT…since her bag was being automatically sent now to its “final destination,” she was without her travel bag until we arrived in Israel! Her pleas earned no sympathy.
This is, of course, a fixable problem in two ways. Keep your on board luggage privileges the same, and order planes with bigger capacity. OR…change those baggage size rules so that customers don’t take their wardrobe on the plane. I have been flying for years. This has become a more recent problem because business travelers don’t want to wait for luggage. And who can blame them? (That is an issue to be addressed next week.)
Regrettably, these issues of crammed in customers and oversized luggage in the bins is unlikely to get resolved without customer revolt. As long as people are willing to pay for being mistreated, the treatment won’t change.
The Bible, of course, says nothing about elbow and legroom. Or overhead bins. Or on-time flights. It does, however, encourage good treatment. Try this: “When a stranger sojourns with you in your land, you shall not do him wrong.” (Leviticus 19:33, ESV)
And for goodness sake, don’t lose his luggage!
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
NOVEMBER 20, 2015…
Hunger Games Mockingjay: Part Two—The end of the film series and the end of the book series. Fans will be mourning as with the “Harry Potter” film and book series. The rebels are after the wicked power in Panem and it is the final showdown between Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) and President Snow (Donald Sutherland), so expect real snow in the film. The favorite stars are here including Liam Hemsworth, Josh Hutcherson, Elizabeth Banks and the last film of the late Philip Seymour Hoffman. “Hunger Games Mockingjay: Part Two” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Carol—Cate Blanchett is Carol, a wealthy woman in the 1950’s who shops at a favorite department store. Rooney Mara plays Therese, a lowly shop girl who has a crush on the wealthy Carol. The two go on a road trip and These sees how the wealthy live. “Carol” is rated R. No rating.
The Secret In Their Eyes—Julia Roberts takes on the role of an attorney whose daughter was one of the murder victims of a serial killer. Years later, the person is still loose, but Julia, along with Chiwetel Ejiofor, finds the person. Also in the cast is Nicole Kidman. “The Secret In Their Eyes” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Very Semi-Serious (documentary and opening in select cities)—Who doesn’t love cartoons, either in print or on the screen. This documentary gives us the creation and editorial process in the New Yorker magazine, with editor David Remnick and artist Roz Chast. “Very Semi-Serious” is rated PG 13. No rating.
NOVEMBER 25, 2015…
Creed is a boxing film, starring Michael B. Jordan as a young fighter and guess who is coaching him? That’s right and his initials are S.S.
The Good Dinosaur is an animated children’s film with a different viewpoint—the dinosaurs lived and have humans as pets.
The Night Before is the story of three guys who have spent Christmas Eve together since childhood. Stars Seth Rogen, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Anthony Mackie.
Victor Frankenstein is about the scientist and his assistant, Igor, Stars James McAvoy and Daniel Radcliffe.
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