November 24, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep (THANKSGIVING DAY – USA)

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION:

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Well, here it is… Thanksgiving. And you know what that means. All the really great Christmas gifts are already sold out. –HaLife

Now today’s safety tip for late sleepers who are in a big hurry: Do NOT try to stir your coffee with your electric toothbrush! –HaLife

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

(Something to remember while the relatives are visiting for Thanksgiving!) “A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.” –Proverbs 17:27

1 Corinthians 8:9 = Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. — Colossians 3:15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Be joyful always. — 1 Thessalonians 5:16

Thought: Now wait just a minute. I have some pretty sorry days! Things don’t always go well for me! Some of my friends have abandoned me at my worst possible moments. How can I be joyful ALWAYS? “Simple, my child,” the Father reminds me. “First, joy is more than always feeling happy, but is instead, a deep abiding sense of being in God’s grace and purpose. Second, no matter where you are, no matter how hopeless things may seem, your life is bound for glory — my glory!” In the light of this incredible truth, all other things seem bland, out of touch, and insignificant.

Prayer: O LORD, please give me a clearer sense of your glory and victory. Please empower my faith to trust the truth of your conquest over hell. Please fill me with your Spirit and bring forth your fruit in my life. Please fill my mouth with joyful praise for all that you have done for me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Mark 11:24 NIV = Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – NOVEMBER 24, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
30 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

This is NATIONAL FAMILY WEEK, always the week of Thanksgiving. ***Just a thought – if you know someone that does not have a family, think about inviting them over to be a part of your family this coming Thursday! Plus you’ll have someone to help clear the table!

Today is CELEBRATE YOUR UNIQUE TALENT DAY. ***Unfortunately, my unique talent doesn’t come to full fruition until I make it to the Thanksgiving table.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Brownielocks Day

Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day

D.B. Cooper Day

National Day of Mourning (Thanksgiving Day)

Thanksgiving Day (USA)

Turkey-Free Thanksgiving

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25

Black Friday

Blase Day

Buy Nothing Day

Flossing Day

Fur Free Friday

International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women Day. (***How about we just call it “Be Nice To Her Day?” Wouldn’t that be easier?)

International Hat Day

Maize Day

National Day of Listening

National Native American Heritage Day

Shopping Reminder Day

Sinkie Day

You’re Welcomegiving Day

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26

World Day of Giving

Small Business Saturday

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27

NONE TODAY

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28

Cider Monday

Cyber Monday

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29

Electronic Greetings Day

Giving Tuesday

International Day of Solidarity With The Palestinian People

Square Dancing Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30

Computer Security Day

National Meth Awareness Day

Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting

Stay Home Because You’re Well Day

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 01

Antartica Day
Basketball Day
Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day
Civil Air Patrol Day
Day With(out) Art Day
National Christmas Tree Lighting (DC)
Rosa Parks Day
World Aids Day

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 02

Faux Fur Friday
International Day for the Abolition of Slavery Day
National Mutt Day

National Salesperson Day
Safety Razor Day
Special Education Day

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 03

Bartender Appreciation Day
Earmuff Day or Chester Greenwood Day
International Day of Persons With Disabilitie
s
National Rhubarb Vodka Day
Skywarn Recognition Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 04

National Cookie Day
National Dice Day
World Wildlife Conservation Day

XTERRA Trail Running Championship

MONDAY, DECEMBER 05

AFL-CIO Day
Bathtub Party Day
Columbian International Day of The Reef
International Ninja Day
International Volunteer Day for Economic & Social Development
Sachertorte Day
World Soil Day

ON THIS DAY

1835: The Texas Provincial Government authorized a national mounted police force to be known as the Texas Rangers.

1871: The National Rifle Association was incorporated.

1904: Fullback Sam McAllester was literally thrown for a touchdown to give Tennessee a 7-0 win over Alabama. McAllester wore handles on a wide leather belt, and his teammates actually threw him over the defense for the score.

1937: The Andrew Sisters recorded Decca record #1562, “Bei Mir Bist du Shoen.” In 1938 it would stay #1 for five weeks.

1941: Drummer Pete Best was born. In April 1960 Pete and three other Liverpool musicians formed the Beatles. Pete’s family lived over the Casbah Club, where the Beatles first performed. During the group’s first recording session in 1962, Pete was fired and replaced by Ringo Starr.

1955: The No. 1 pop song was “Sixteen Tons,” by Tennessee Ernie Ford.

1963: Nightclub owner Jack Ruby fatally shot accused Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald in the basement driveway of the Dallas city jail.

1979: “Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog peaked at #25 on the Billboard Hot 100 pop music chart.

1980: The #1 record in Australia was Joe Dolce’s “Shaddap You Face.”

1991: Little Richard, an ordained minister, officiated at the marriage of singer Cyndi Lauper and actor David Thornton.

1994: Three prisoners awaiting trial for theft and assault escaped from Arkansas’s Faulkner County Jail by crawling through air ducts. They used the tiny silver wheelbarrow from a Monopoly game to remove “tamper-resistant” screws on the air duct cover. ***They didn’t have to worry about going directly to jail or not collecting $200… they were already IN JAIL!

1998: America Online confirmed it was buying Netscape Communications in a deal ultimately worth $10 billion.

2000: The U.S. Supreme Court agreed to consider George W. Bush’s appeal against the hand recounting of presidential ballots in Florida.

2001: A part-time British inventor suffered whiplash when a squirrel landed on his head while he was out testing a bird-feeding hat. The squirrel, spying the feed on the hat’s tray, landed with such force the inventor was knocked to the ground and injured his neck. Both the inventor and the squirrel were from Crackpot Cottage, England.

2001: A team of scientists in Worcester, Massachusetts, reported the successful cloning of 24 cows.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1703: In Philadelphia, German_born pastor and hymnwriter Justus Falckner, 31, became the first Lutheran clergyman to be ordained in America.

1713: Birth of Father Junipero Serra, Spanish missionary to western America. From 1769, he established 9 of the first 21 Franciscan missions founded along the Pacific coast, and baptized some 6,000 Indians before his death in 1784.

1838: Canadian Sulpician missionary Franois Blanchet, 43, first arrived in the Oregon Territory. A native of Quebec, he spent 45 years planting churches in the American Northwest, and is remembered today as the “Apostle of Oregon.”

1880: In Montgomery, AL, more than 150 delegates from Baptist churches in 11 states met to form the Baptist Foreign Missions Convention of the United States. Liberian missionary William W. Colley was chief organizer, and the Rev. William H. McAlpine was elected the first president.

1941: American Trappist monk Thomas Merton wrote in his “Secular Journal”: ‘Spiritual dryness is an acute experience of longing therefore of love.’

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Knocked Up, “Grey’s Anatomy”, The Ugly Truth, “Roswell”) Katherine Heigl 38
  • Actor/celebrity son (Orange County, “Roswell”, King Kong) actor Colin Hanks 39
  • actress (Deep Impact, Lieutenant Tasha Yar  on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”) Denise Crosby 60
  • Actor (“The Jefferson’s” Lionel Jefferson) Damon Evans, 66
  • Actor/comedian (The Last Samurai) Billy Connolly, 74

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1868 : Scott Joplin

1912 : Teddy Wilson

1925 : Al Cohn

1929 : Eileen Barton

1932 : Tommy Allsup (The Crickets)

1939 : Jim Yester (The Association)

1940 : Johnny Carver

1941 : Donald “Duck” Dunn (Booker T. & the MG’s)

1941 : Pete Best (The Beatles)

1942 : Billy Connolly

1943 : Richard Tee

1943 : Robin Williamson (The Incredible String Band)

1944 : Bob Lind

1945 : Bev Bevan (Electric Light Orchestra)

1945 : Lee Michaels

1955 : Clement Burke (Elvis Ramone) (the Ramones, Blondie)

1957 : Chris Hayes (Huey Lewis and the News)

1962 : John Squire (The Stone Roses)

1970 : Chad Taylor (Live)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What logical answer can Christians give to that difficult question of ‘How do we know there’s a God?’

When one asks that question in the typical church, the usual answer is that we should just accept by faith that God has always existed. Even though that’s true, God’s Word commands us to give reasons for what we believe. Otherwise, non-Christians may think Christianity is blind faith—but it’s not.  When asked this question, you could use examples like the Presidents’ sculpted heads on Mount Rushmore – explain that they didn’t get there by millions of years of wind and water erosion.  It’s obvious someone using intelligence carved them. Now consider our brain – it’s far more complicated than the most advanced computer. Just as someone designed and constructed the computer, obviously a greater intelligence designed and constructed our brain. Actually, nowhere in the world do we ever see information systems like machines coming from disorder by chance. It always takes intelligence – which means information. This means you need to have information to start with – thus the only logical way to think is that you must start with infinite information – an infinite intelligence! The answer’s in Genesis – ‘In the beginning, God…’

(Answers in Genesis)

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

A good Thanksgiving reminder form Casting Crowns. The band posted this week: Thanksgiving is a chance to take a step back and reflect on the gifts the Lord has given us. What’s The Very Next Thing you can you do for those around you during the upcoming holiday? Take a moment today to text someone you love and tell them why you’re thankful for them.

Matthew West is continuing his mission to share stories of God’s grace and forgiveness. His latest story comes from Katie. After two abortions and a miscarriage, Katie told Matthew: I wasn’t sure a family of my own would ever be in my future. Sometimes finding forgiveness within yourself can be the hardest place to look. Read her entire story at https://matthewwest.co/KatieStory

Moriah Peters sister Bianca Peters is a television news reporter at the CBS affiliate in Miami.

What’s the number one question bands ask when you get off the tour bus. Brian, the drummer from Casting Crowns, says it’s “where’s catering.”

Third Days Mac Powell is more than just music. He also hosts a podcast called the Mac and Tug Show. It features topics ranging from life and music to sports, tv, movies, and MORE.  https://soundcloud.com/macandtug/

Citizen Way member Ben Calhoun has come full circle. In addition to touring with the band, he also teaches at Judson University in Chicago. Citizen Way started at the University 13 years ago.

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says there’s no catching up. He posted a picture of his phone with 132 new instant messages.

Mark Schultz this week shared his family’s Bible verse for the year. He says they try to read it every day before or after dinner. Mark adds that it varies based on who is having the meltdown. The verse is Philippians 4:12,13 = I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Do Not Turn Upside Down”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Robert G. Lee, “Secret Language”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was frustrated at not being able to beat Steve Mozart at anything. So he decided that, no matter what it took, he’d find a way to beat Steve Mozart… at something. Anything. And it’s not going very well so far.

CLOSE: Poor Millard… will he ever find ANYTHING that he can do better than Mozart? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 26/27

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature. Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it. In fact, this could all be just a big joke! There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…

CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints! It’s a giant gorilla! What will happen to Millard? Will he really be eaten? And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

The Humane Society is being accused of abusing animals!

In Madison, Wisconsin, Jorge Iglesias had 66 roosters and hens confiscated by police in a suspected cockfighting raid. The animals are currently being cared for by the Dane County Humane Society. But Jorge has now petitioned a judge to have them released back to him because he believes the Human Society is treating them with “cruel and barbaric” abuse. Accused… by the same guy who had the roosters and hens confiscated for suspected cockfighting.

TOP TEN

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU GOT A BAD BIRD FOR THANKSGIVING

#10) When in water, it floats upside down.

#9) Glows when you turn out the lights.

#8) Cooking instructions include recipe for “Kaopectate” gravy

#7) One of the legs is made of wood.

#6) “Ptomaine Tips'” the video, is packed in bird’s cavity.

#5) It rejects the stuffing.

#4) Giblets, smell like moth balls.

#3) Has a tattoo on it’s back.

#2) Injected with basting “ointment.”

#1) Skid marks on turkey’s back because it was used in a bowling tournament.

TEN FUN WAYS TO GET RID OF TELEMARKETERS

10. Pretend you don’t speak English.

9. Say “Hold on,” then scream to a nonexistent person: “If you try to take the knife out, it’ll just hurt worse!”

8. Burst into tears when money is mentioned.

7. Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.

6. Tell them you’ll accept their offer if they can guess the color of your socks.

5. Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.

4. As soon as they identify themselves, say, “You guys are still in business? I thought you went under after the scandal at your company.”

3. Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.

2. Mutter: “Oh, no. Not another one. The last Jehovah’s Witness almost got me the death penalty.”

1. HANG UP THE PHONE!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Ranch dressing becomes a weapon in today’s files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: In Boise, Idaho, 18-year-old Tiffany M. Wallace was arrested after she allegedly rammed her pickup into another car. But that’s not the worst of it. She also — dare I even say it– hurled ranch salad dressing at the other vehicle! The driver of the other car told police the encounter began after he was cut off by Wallace. He said she later cut him off again, yelled at him and threw coins and plastic containers of ranch dressing at his car. The victim said Wallace later rammed his car at least three times in a parking lot.

FILE #2: In Erie, Pennsylvania, a man who was robbed of his jacket, cell phone, keys and $300 was left with the strange feeling that one of his two muggers looked awfully familiar. That would be because they went to school together about 15 years ago. Police arrested 30-year-old Anthony Williams after the victim pulled out some old yearbooks and figured out they both attended Central Career and Technical School in the mid-1990s.

FILE #3: A very vain and very cocky burglar has shocked the local newspaper and authorities by offering up a better picture than his mug shot. In Swansea, Wales, 23-year-old Matthew Maynard said he was not pleased with the mug shot photo the South Wales Evening Post published of him so he first called to complain, then sent in a “better photo” of himself — amazingly standing next to a police van. But police said Maynard’s stunt is likely to backfire as the newspaper printed the photo on its front page. One officer said, “He thinks he is being clever by showing off like this, but we’ll have him in soon now.”

STRANGE LAW: It’s illegal for women to wear pants in Paris, France. Wait…what? The law has been on the books since 1800, and it’s survived numerous attempts at repeal. The UK Telegraph reports that the law states the women are banned from dressing like men, namely by wearing pants. The law stipulates that any Parisienne wishing to dress like a man “must present herself to Paris’ main police station to obtain authorization.” In 1892, it was amended to allow a woman to wear trousers “as long as the woman is holding the reins of a horse.” It was further watered down in 1909, when the city allowed women to wear pants if they were “on a bicycle or holding it by the handlebars.”

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

In Brant Township, Michigan, one 54-year-old woman has proven that pot keeps you from thinking straight…

…she called police to report that two men had broken into her home and STOLE HER MARIJUANA PLANTS! So the police went to investigate and arrested the woman on charges of manufacturing and delivering marijuana. Of course she claimed it was all for personal, medical use but somehow couldn’t produce a medical marijuana card. So now she’s sitting in jail.

PHONER PHUN

Today is CELEBRATE YOUR UNIQUE TALENT DAY. What is your unique talent? What can you do that most others you know cannot?

What questions should every woman ask a man before she gets serious? Stuff like, “Whose job is it to clean the bathroom?” and “Who’s the strongest woman you know?” What questions should women have the answers to?

Of course, this works the other way around too. What questions should a man know the answers to before getting serious about a woman?

What’s your best tip for making the holiday season less stressful?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the first bigamist to be mentioned in the Bible?

ANSWER: Lamech (Genesis 4)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How long of a line can you write with one #2 lead pencil?

ANSWER: The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. According to the Butterball corporation, they recommend that you thaw a wrapped turkey in the refrigerator one day for each four pounds the bird weighs. (True)

2. Thanksgiving is celebrated only in the United States. (False – it’s celebrated in Canada as well.)

3. The Greek Goddess of Corn is Cornucopia. (False – it’s Demeter)

4. The first department store to hold a Thanksgiving parade was Macy’s. (False – it was Gimbel’s)

5. Butterball says that once the turkey is done, you should let it stand for 15 minutes before serving because it’ll be easier to carve. (False – they recommend the 15 minutes of cool time to let the stuffing cool a bit before you take it out.)

6. The Indians who were invited to the Thanksgiving feast were of the Wampanoag tribe. Their chief was named Squanto. (False – his name was Massasoit.)

7. The ships the Pilgrims came over on were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. (False – they came on the Mayflower. The Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria were with Christopher Columbus!)

8. The captain of the Mayflower was Christopher Jones. (True.)

9. Abraham Lincoln was the first U.S. President to establish Thanksgiving as a legal national holiday to be held the 4th Thursday in November. (False – that was Franklin D. Roosevelt)

10. In Canada, they celebrate Thanksgiving in October. (True – and that is more closely related to the time the original Thanksgiving took place as well.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Car Thief Gets ________!” (CARJACKED)


The thief who stole a Chevy Silverado in Salinas, California, ironically lost the vehicle to an armed carjacker after he stopped for gas! Edward Bishop told police he stole the truck then, while sitting outside a convenience store, a man with a gun hopped in and ordered him to start driving. The pickup ran out of gas and the gunman ordered Ed to get out and push, but Ed then ran away and called police.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,” I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.   “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

JOKE #2

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That’s right — the driver’s side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.

Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.

Not only that — you’d be surprised at how many people waved back.

JOKE #3

An American was touring Wales, and upon entering a hotel in one town, noticed the words, “tam htab” written on the mat.

“Ah!” he said, “I suppose that’s Welsh for Welcome.”

“No, sir,” replied the doorman. “That’s the bath mat upside down.”

USELESS FACTS

Researchers claim that eating an unusually heavy meal could trigger a heart attack – especially in people who already have heart disease – with the risk of an attack jumping four times in the two hours after a large meal.  ***MARLAR: Oh, and before we forget – have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Researchers say brain scans can accurately reveal whether a person is lying or telling the truth.  ***MARLAR: The challenge now is getting politicians to WEAR the helmets.

Superman was once bitten by Dracula, but because Superman is fueled by the sun, Dracula immediately exploded.

FEATURED FUNNIES

DINNER TIPS FOR SAVING TIME & MONEY

Some timesaving Thanksgiving dinner tips:

  • A trip to the all-u-can eat buffet on Wednesday, can supply you with bowls of pre-prepared Thanksgiving day treats! (Important though to bring large plastic Ziplocs to keep items separated.)

  • Quickly defrost a turkey with the help of the family dryer. You can throw in some hand towels to quiet some noise.

  • Replace pumpkin pie with heated slices of last month’s jack-o-lantern!

  • To stretch the cranberry sauce, just add ketchup. Once it hits the dinner plate, no one will notice.

  • If it’s placed in a blender for a short period of time, last week’s leftovers look just like stuffing. Might need to add a couple of slices of white bread or croutons.

  • Kentucky Fried Chicken, thinly sliced, can be passed of as a pre-sliced turkey. Just make sure to hide the tell-tale red and white bucket.

HOUSEHOLD PETS…

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that it is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.    I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!  If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, and then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don’t.
(2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4)  normally come when called,
(5)  never ask to drive the car,
(6)  don’t hang out with drug-using people;
(7)  don’t smoke or drink,
(8)   don’t want to wear your clothes,
(9)   don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children…..

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Searching for gold in Illinois turns out to be a bust for one woman.

An Illinois woman who set out on a treasure hunt for buried gold coins after finding a cryptic note in an antique rocking chair may have been the victim of a prolific prankster who died more than 30 years ago. With help of a donated backhoe, Patty Henken recently tore up a vacant lot in Springfield, Ill., where a typewritten note signed by “Chauncey Wolcott” — found in an old chair she bought at auction last November — suggested she would find a chest containing more than $250 in U.S. gold coins. The dig turned up nothing but bricks and old bottles. Henken planned to return Tuesday with the donated services of a man with ground-penetrating radar meant to detect any buried items, but the treasure note’s promise may already be debunked. An Iowa woman who read news accounts of the hunt said she knows Wolcott’s true identity: John “Jay” Slaven, a notorious practical joker and coin collector who often used a typewriter in his pranks. Slaven used the pen name “Chauncey Wolcott” and lived for decades at the location where the dig took place, until his 1976 death, according to Betty Atkinson Ryan of Mason City, Iowa.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

I AM THANKFUL FOR…

  • For the teenager who is not doing dishes but is watching TV because that means he is at home and not on the streets.
  • For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.
  • For the mess to clean after the party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
  • For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
  • For the lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
  • For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech.
  • For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
  • For my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
  • For the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
  • For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
  • For the alarm that goes off early in the morning hours because it means that I am alive.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Approaching my first Thanksgiving away from home, I gratefully accepted the invitation from a fellow student to spend the day with his family. For some reason, I pictured them living in a comfortable house in an affluent neighborhood. With visions of relaxing and watching football, I asked him what game he planned to see. When he told me that his family didn’t have a TV set, I almost decided not to go. But hanging around the dorm was a poor alternative so I went anyway, hoping that a big meal would outweigh the lack of football.

After 2 hours of driving, I pulled up in front of an older, two-story frame house in Grays River, Washington. I saw my college friend tossing the last few pieces of firewood onto a full pickup load, and he shouted for me to come along. We stopped at a little cabin a mile up a muddy road, stacked the wood, and received the warm thanks of a young woman holding a baby. “We try to help her out,” my friend said as we drove away. “She doesn’t have a husband.”

I cannot tell you what we ate for the holiday meal, but I vividly recall the crowd of family and friends around the table, and an afternoon filled with more laughter than any Thanksgiving I can remember. A year never passes that I don’t recall a cold, drizzly day in Grays River so filled with warmth and light and love.

What made it so memorable?

I’ve concluded that while I approached Thanksgiving thinking of all I could receive, my hosts were thinking of all they could give. They had discovered the truth expressed by Jesus, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). I also believe that their gifts of firewood, friendship, and food were not unusual acts reserved for national holidays. They were the expression of a daily lifestyle focused on how they could express the love of Christ by helping others.

Thanksgiving reminds us of all we have been given by God, and invites us to discover the incredible joy of giving it away.

(From Campus Journal) 

PEOPLE OVER PROFITS

Masters, give your bondservants what is just and fair, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven. —Colossians 4:1
When Truett Cathy started his first restaurant in 1946, it was closed on Sundays to give his employees time to be with their families and to attend church. It’s still true today of the more than 1,000 Chick-fil-A fast-food outlets franchised by his company.
Cathy’s slogan is: “Put people and principles before profit.” It’s a motto each of us can make our own, whether we give orders or take them on the job.
The apostle Paul had a word for employers and employees in Colossians 3:22-4:1. He said we need to remember that we have a Master in heaven (4:1), and we are to work from our hearts to please Him, not just the person watching us (3:22-24).
Truett Cathy strives to remain true to biblical principles in his business. Larry Julian, author of God Is My CEO, a book about Cathy and other business leaders, says: “God doesn’t promise a tangible return on investments, but He promises the fruits of the Spirit, love and peace and joy, on a personal level. Cathy is not only experiencing peace and joy and love in his life personally, but he’s also making a difference to his foster children, his own children and grandchildren, and his employees. He’s leaving a legacy on how you can do things the right way.”
That’s an example we can take to work. —David McCasland

“Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism.” –Colossians 3:22-25
Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven. –Colossions 4:1

LEFTOVERS

RED HOT CHILI!

If you like your chili hot — I mean really hot — the place to go is India.

…Scientists say the world’s hottest chili is called Tezpur chili, named after the area it’s grown in India. It’s grown in the Assam region, which is best known for tea production not for chili, and they say it is 50% hotter than the previously hottest chili, Mexico’s Red Savina Habanero. The stuff is so hot that women there use it in the same way women in other countries use mace. And while the locals are used to it, it’s not recommended for the faint of heart. Drinking water won’t even help — in fact it only heightens the chili’s intensity. Milk or yogurt are the only antidotes that will take some of the bite out of the spicy hot Tezpur chili.

LIFE… LIVE IT

FIRST TIME WITH HIS OR HER FAMILY DURING THE HOLIDAYS?

If you’re meeting your significant other’s family for the first time this year during the holidays, here are a few tips from relationship experts:

  • Get briefed — Get the skinny on his/her parents before you meet them – where they grew up, what their hobbies are, what kind of things they detest.

  • Come bearing gifts — Any gift, big or small, says you’re a thoughtful person.

  • Be yourself — Sure you’re trying to impress, but don’t change your personality.

  • Look them in the eye — Upon meeting, stand up straight, be confident and shake the parent’s hand, all the while looking him or her in the eye.

  • Watch your language — Try not to swear, even if it’s common for you.

  • Lend a hand — Just one or two polite offers are enough to impress.

  • Watch the PDA (Public Display of Affection) – Even if you know the parents well, snuggling and kissing in front of them is rude and impolite.  Keep cute pet names and physical affection away from the parents.

JUST FOR FUN

FIRED UP

Ever get hot at your spouse about something? One wife got so hot at her husband during an argument that their house burned down!

A woman got so angry with her husband that she took one of his shirts from a closet and set it on fire, but the blaze spread and burned down their house. Sharon Kirkman was charged with arson for the fire that caused about $65,000 in damage. They lost everything, and all because of her little temper tantrum which, according to investigators, was over a minor argument at the house. ***MARLAR: Men… look out for your wife’s hot flashes!

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR NEW NEIGHBORS ARE PILGRIMS

  • Every time wife uses garage door opener, accuse her of being a witch

  • They always say their favorite kind of music is “Plymouth Rock”

  • Moving company that brought them here: Mayflower

  • On Sundays, you hear someone next door yelling “Goeth Patriots!”

REAL ANSWERS GIVEN BY CHILDREN

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FOUR THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THANKSGIVING

  • Thanksgiving Was Meant to Be a Fast Not a Feast: Originally meant to be a fast, not a feast. The settlers at Plymouth Rock recognized “giving of thanks” in the form of prayer, and refraining from food. But, when the Wampanoag Indians joined the feast they contributed their own harvest traditions. Dancing, games, and feasting from their ancient festival, Nickommoh, which meant to “give away” or “exchange.”

  • The First TV Dinner Was Thanksgiving Leftovers in 1953: In 1953, someone at Swanson overestimated how many turkeys Americans would consume that Thanksgiving. A company salesman named Gerry Thomas ordered aluminum trays, recruited an assembly line of women who began creating mini-feasts of turkey, corn-bread dressing, peas and sweet potatoes. Creating the first-ever TV dinner.

  • President FDR Tried to Change the Date: In 1939, the president declared that Americans should celebrate the feast one week earlier, hoping to increase retail sales during the Great Depression. Americans did not act kindly towards this new deal. Some took to the streets and other had bad things to say about it. Two years later in 1941, Congress adopted a resolution setting the fourth Thursday of November as the legal holiday.

  • Mary Had a Little Thanksgiving: The woman who wrote, “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” Sarah Josepha Hale, played an essential role in making Thanksgiving a national holiday. In 1863, she convinced President Abraham Lincoln to issue a decree recognizing the historic tradition after a 17 year letter writing campaign.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Need some hope keeping the kids busy during the holidays. Don’t miss out on Joni and Friend’s fun fall word search activity from Kids’ Corner! Download your copy at http://ow.ly/l00A306kali

Sometimes it feels like Thanksgiving is a drive-by holiday. According to Family Life Today, Christmas starts to fill the stores by September, and Halloween candy seems to mesmerize the minds of our children. Meanwhile, the significance of Thanksgiving is often lost in the flurry of family, food, and football. In response, Family Life Today is sharing some ideas submitted by their staff members for honoring God in your Thanksgiving festivities. Check out their 6 suggestions at http://bit.ly/2fy88Ek.

If expediency is more important than neatness, drones might be the perfect tool for making Thanksgiving dinner. The key word is “might.” According to the Huffington Post, Autel Robotics, a drone maker based in Bothell, Washington, recently posted a video showing what happens when a chef uses a drone to make various holiday side dishes. As the footage above shows, a drone can indeed be used as a cooking tool. But the verdict is still out on whether it should be. Take a look at how it works, dish by dish: http://huff.to/2flrgrA

With the holiday’s hallmark dressing, pies, breads and flour-thickened gravy, a gluten-free Thanksgiving menu might sound totally impossible. However, Today.com says it’s not only possible, you don’t even have to give up your traditional Thanksgiving favorites like stuffing, green bean casserole and pie to create a gluten-free menu. They shared 21 gluten-free recipes that prove that a gluten-free Turkey Day can be a great Turkey Day! http://on.today.com/2filROS

The holiday season is upon us! With Thanksgiving today and a divisive election in the rearview mirror, millions of Americans expect to talk politics with friends and family members over the holiday. According to an online survey conducted by ABC News, 45 percent of Americans foresee a side of political conversation with their turkey and cranberry sauce, and 38 percent said the idea of such talk is at least somewhat stressful, with 14 percent saying it is very stressful. http://abcn.ws/2eYAc7V

A Tennessee shelter is determined to give their animals a memorable Thanksgiving by sending them home for the holidays. According to ABC News, This year, Hawkins County Humane Society in Rogersville is allowing families to host a cat or dog with the option to adopt. They say: “A lot of our animals that come to the shelter have never been in a loving home.” “We wanted to give all of the dogs and some of the cats an experience of what a family is like, what a home is like and what that attention is like.” http://abcn.ws/2fLOBDq

If you switch your focus from dieting to just living a healthy lifestyle during the holidays, you’ll actually boost your chances of maintaining your perfect weight. “Many of us will gain at least five pounds from the middle of October through New Year’s Day,” said Stefanie Barthmare, a psychotherapist with the Methodist Weight Management Center in Houston. “Because weight gain is gradual, we don’t realize the damage of our indulgences right away. But the scale tells all when the holidays are over. That’s why ‘lose weight’ is at the top of our New Year’s resolution every year.” So rather than trying to lose weight between Halloween and New Year’s Day, focus instead on not gaining weight. That is, make it your goal to maintain your weight. Don’t count every calorie. Don’t restrict yourself from your favorite holiday foods. And stay active in your everyday life.  ***Just make sure the activity in your everyday life isn’t already overeating!  (Something I need to keep an eye on myself!)

If you’ve been living in America for more than a few weeks, you know that Thanksgiving is synonymous with turkey. And while we love all those side dishes, it’s the bird that takes center stage every year. For decades, if not centuries, roasting the turkey was the only acceptable way, and, indeed, the vast majority of Americans will roast their turkey this year as well. But in recent years, other methods have become trendy. In response, Yahoo Foods is stepping in to help. A recent article features every turkey recipe you’d ever need for the perfect Thanksgiving meal. Get some turkey ideas at http://yhoo.it/1j3ulLj

Capt. John “GiddyUp” Bunch is a professional fishing guide in Florida. But according to Today.com, his tours aren’t just for fishing enthusiasts — they’re for veterans. It started over a decade ago when Bunch met a young soldier who wanted to fish before being deployed. Since that trip out to sea, he’s offered free fishing trips for veterans. More than 1,200 trips, in fact. Bunch is the founder of a charity called Operation Open Arms, which also provides free vacations, weddings and more to vets. Bunch says it’s about patriotism. Read the full article at http://on.today.com/2fmbld5

Need some help with your Thanksgiving meal? The chefs from the Food Network are stepping in to help. They are out with a list of the 50 best Thanksgiving tips. From preparing your food in advance to making use of the leftovers, it’s all there.  http://www.foodnetwork.com/chefs/articles/chefs–50-best-thanksgiving-tips.html

THANKSGIVING STUFFINGS

THANKSGIVING FOOD FACTS:

76% of Americans will attend a Thanksgiving meal that includes prayer

44% of Millennials won’t serve cranberry sauce

44% of Millennials will serve ham

44% of Americans plan on hosting Thanksgiving dinner

24% of those will go to another house for a second meal.

WHAT YOU LOVE TO EAT MOST:

43% Turkey

18% Stuffing

7% Mashed Potatoes

7% Ham

7% Pie

7% Sweet potato casserole

4% Green bean casserole

MORE FACTS: 

1. Friendsgivings are on the rise: A third of all Americans plan to spend some time this Thanksgiving with friends

2. The more the merrier: Most Americans — 72 percent of them — plan to attend a dinner with more than five people this holiday.

3. One dinner is not always enough: Nearly a quarter of everyone who hosts a Thanksgiving dinner say they’ll also go to someone else’s house for a second meal.

4. Pets are getting in on the action: 22 percent said they plan to incorporate the family pet into the holiday

5. We’re a nation of planners: 47 percent say they’ll get a head start at least a month out.

6. More than half of people won’t shop on Black Friday.

7. Although there are plenty buzzy food trends these days, they won’t play a big role in Thanksgiving feasts. Only 7 percent say they’re avoiding gluten-free fare or carbohydrates, a mere 8 percent say they’ll eschew dairy, and a paltry 6 percent say meat is out.

8. Most people are flying solo in the kitchen: 83 percent of Thanksgiving hosts prepare the entire thing by their lonesome.

9. Family recipes are still everyone’s favorite. A whopping 75 percent of people say they’ll use recipes handed down by their families.

10. Pumpkin pie is the best pie of all the pies. The classic won out over apple pie and pecan pie.

http://yhoo.it/1kFD2NK

TRUTH OR TURKEY?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jwp373BIMOY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT2vcG2jzc4

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

We’re not buying a turkey this year. We’ve still got leftovers from last year.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 24, 2016…

 

Loving—In the 1950’s, there was some integration in the U.S., but marriage between a black person and a white person just didn’t happen.  Well, it does in 1958, with Joel Edgerton as the white man, and Ruth Onega, as the black woman. The marriage is held in Virginia and this resulted in going to the Supreme Court and the momentous 1967 anti-discrimination ruling. “Loving” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Allied—Set in 1942, between London and other cities, “Allied” is the story of two spies, who are actually falling for each other.  One is Brad Pitt and the other is Marion Collard. and shades of “Casablanca”, costumes, atmosphere and all.  Directed by Robert Clemencies. “Allied” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.

 

Bad Santa 2—It’s a Billy Bob Thornton film for those who take the Christmas holidays with about 3 ounces of salt. He’s at it again as Willie Smoke, and this time Kathy Bates and Christina Kendrick are in the cast. Wonder what would happen if Madea (Tyler Perry) ever met Billy Bob’s “Bad Santa?” Just asking…..  “Bad Santa 2” is rated R. No rating.

 

Moana—An animated film for the holiday season, this one is set in the Islands, 2000 years ago.  It concerns a young girl (Moana and voiced by Auli Cravalho) who wants to find a mythical character called Maui (voice of Dwayne Johnson), to help her people reach a new home across the sea.  Plenty of Polynesian culture here. “Moana” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Rules Don’t Apply—Warren Beatty, who hasn’t made a film in a few years, comes back starring in, and about, Howard Hughes.  The plot has Hughes observing the budding romance between two of his employees, Lily Collins and Aiden Ehrenreich. “Rules Don’t Apply” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Lion—Saroo (played by Dev Patel from “Slumdog Millionaire”) has been separated from his family since he was a young boy. Now, an adult, he wants to find them and uses Google Earth  to aid in his search. Saroo was adopted by Nicole Kidman and David Wenham and lives in Australia. Also in the cast is  Rooney Mara.. “Lion” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans. Bring handkerchief.

 

DECEMBER 02, 2016…

 

La La Land is a nod to the old Hollywood musicals and stars Ryan Gosling (yes, he dances) and Emma Stone.

 

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