November 26, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161126

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to another edition of The (JOCK) Show. And please — it’s not necessary to kiss your radio.

Someone should create a Facebook Group for Elvis fans and call it “Fellowship Of The King”.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, ‘This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.'” — Luke 22:19

Hebrews 2:18 = Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. — Colossians 3:17

Thought: Everything! All! No matter what we say, no matter what we do, it is to be offered as a gift of thanks to God with Jesus’ name, power, and honor attached! This makes all of life our worship and thanksgiving to God. There’s no such thing as going to worship, if we live, if we talk, if we act it’s worship and should always involve thanksgiving. So how has your worship been lately?

Prayer: Almighty and Most Holy God, I want all of my life to be lived out to your glory, a living testament of thanks to you for the grace you have given me in Jesus. While I do not always do this as well as I would like, I lovingly offer you my words, my actions, my heart and my mind to bring you glory by doing your will. Please, use your Spirit to remove the areas of self-deception from my life so that weakness and hypocrisy will not rob my discipleship of its intended worship of your majesty. In the name of Jesus, my gracious Lord, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

John 11:26 NIV = “…and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

TODAY IS SATURDAY – NOVEMBER 26, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
29 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL CAKE DAY. ***So long as it isn’t fruitcake. You have to have some standards.

Today is CUT YOUR OWN CHRISTMAS TREE DAY. ***Every time I do so the cops show up. I should probably look a little further out for a tree than my neighbor’s backyard.

Today is NATIONAL DON’T UTTER A WORD DAY, a reminder to talkers that listeners usually get tired of listening long before talkers get tired of talking. ***In fact, you’re probably tired of listening to me talking about this right now… so I’ll shut up. (Ooh… if only we could somehow let our in-laws know about this at Thanksgiving before they showed up!)

TODAY IS ALSO…

World Day of Giving

Small Business Saturday

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27

NONE TODAY

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28

Cider Monday

Cyber Monday

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29

Electronic Greetings Day

Giving Tuesday

International Day of Solidarity With The Palestinian People

Square Dancing Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30

Computer Security Day

National Meth Awareness Day

Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting

Stay Home Because You’re Well Day

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 01

Antartica Day
Basketball Day
Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day
Civil Air Patrol Day
Day With(out) Art Day
National Christmas Tree Lighting (DC)
Rosa Parks Day
World Aids Day

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 02

Faux Fur Friday
International Day for the Abolition of Slavery Day
National Mutt Day

National Salesperson Day
Safety Razor Day
Special Education Day

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 03

Bartender Appreciation Day
Earmuff Day or Chester Greenwood Day
International Day of Persons With Disabilitie
s
National Rhubarb Vodka Day
Skywarn Recognition Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 04

National Cookie Day
National Dice Day
World Wildlife Conservation Day

XTERRA Trail Running Championship

MONDAY, DECEMBER 05

AFL-CIO Day
Bathtub Party Day
Columbian International Day of The Reef
International Ninja Day
International Volunteer Day for Economic & Social Development
Sachertorte Day
World Soil Day

ON THIS DAY

1789: President Washington declared Nov. 26, 1789, to be Thanksgiving Day, the first U.S. holiday by presidential proclamation. In 1863 President Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving to be the last Thursday in November. In 1939 President Roosevelt moved Thanksgiving to the 4th Thursday in November.

1832: New York City’s public transit system was inaugurated when John Mason’s horse-drawn streetcars began operating between Spring and 14th Streets. The fare was 12 cents.

1864: Oxford University math instructor Charles Dodgson sent an early Christmas message to the daughter of a friend, 12-year-old Alice Liddell. It was a handwritten story entitled “Alices Adventures Underground.” We know the story as Alice In Wonderland and the author by his pen-name, Lewis Carroll.

1883: Sojourner Truth died at age 86. A freed slave, she devoted her life to preaching emancipation and women’s rights. The little robotic rover, now somewhere on Mars, is named for her.

1942: The movie “Casablanca,” starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, premiered at the Hollywood Theater in New York.

1956: Bandleader Tommy Dorsey died at age 51. His records sold more than 110 million copies.

1961: In a game against Oakland, running back Abner Haynes of the AFL Dallas Texans scored five touchdowns. Abner also became famous for running into the goal posts.

1973: President Nixon’s personal secretary, Rose Mary Woods, told a federal court she had accidentally erased 18 minutes of a key Watergate tape.

1975: A Sacramento jury found Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme guilty of attempting to assassinate President Gerald Ford.

1983: Thieves stole $46 million worth of gold bullion from the Brinks-Mat security warehouse at London’s Heathrow Airport.

1989: American sumo wrestler Konishiki won the Emperor’s Cup in Tokyo. He weighed 490 pounds. ***Is it really a sport if you can spend as much time you want at the all-you-can-eat buffet?

1989: United Way workers in Prince George, British Columbia, assembled the world’s largest jigsaw puzzle. The 9,739-square-foot puzzle had 1,085 pieces.

1992: 14-month-old Tegan Banville of Huntington Beach, California, out-crawled 12 other babies to win the national Huggies/NFL Happy Baby Derby. The babies raced 12 feet before 61,000 screaming fans at halftime during a Dallas Cowboys game.

1992: Queen Elizabeth of Britain, worth an estimated $8-billion, volunteered to pay income tax, and declared she would take her children off the public payroll.

1995: Miami Dolphin quarterback Dan Marino set an NFL record with his 343rd touchdown pass, breaking Fran Tarkenton’s record. But the Dolphins lost to the Indianapolis Colts 36-28.

2000: Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris certified Republican George W. Bush the winner over Democrat Al Gore in the state’s presidential balloting. The winning margin: 537 votes.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1539: In England, the monastery at the Fountains Abbey was surrendered to the crown. It was the richest of the Cistercian houses, prior to the time of the Dissolution of all monasteries in England, under the reign of Henry VIII.

1775: The American Navy began using chaplains within its regular service.

1789: President George Washington proclaimed this date (a Thursday) to be the first national Thanksgiving Day holiday. (National Thanksgiving days were periodically proclaimed by presidents, until in 1863 Abraham Lincoln inaugurated the practice of annually setting the fourth Thursday in November aside for Thanksgiving Day.)

1962: English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter: ‘No doubt [my body] has often led me astray: but not half so often, I suspect, as my soul has led IT astray. For the spiritual evils … arise more from the imagination than from the appetites.’

1970: During a 10-day visit to the Philippines, Pope Paul VI was attacked by a knife-wielding man in Manilla. The pontiff was unhurt and continued his journey.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Colleen on “Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman”) Jessica Bowman 36

  • actress (“In The House”, Seventeen Again) Maia Campbell 40

  • Actor/impressionist Rich Little, 78

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Nesuhi Ertegun

1925 : Michael Holliday

1933 : Robert Goulet

1935 : Marian Mercer

1938 : Ray Brown (The Four Freshmen)

1938 : Tina Turner

1944 : Alan Henderson (Them)

1944 : Jean Terrell (The Supremes)

1945 : John McVie (Fleetwood Mac, John Mayall’s Bluesbreakers)

1946 : Burt Ruiter (Focus)

1949 : Gayle McCormick (Smith)

1963 : Adam Gaynor (Matchbox Twenty)

1981 : Natasha Bedingfield

1985 : Lil Fizz (B2K)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What makes something a “red letter day?”

Guessing won’t help on this one. For example, it has not the slightest connection to Communism or to Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel, The Scarlet Letter. And it certainly has nothing to do with the ugly red letters that appeared at the top of your school papers after your teachers got through with them. In fact, its origins are in the Roman Catholic Church. In the Middle Ages, monks working as scribes marked Saint’s days and other religious observances in red on the calendar. Such dates needed to stand out because they were special and sometimes required preparation. Modern calendar makers have preserved that practice, marking holidays in red. By extension, any day that’s really special for you, because you did something great or had some good fortune, is a red letter day.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

A good Thanksgiving reminder form Casting Crowns. The band posted this week: Thanksgiving is a chance to take a step back and reflect on the gifts the Lord has given us. What’s The Very Next Thing you can you do for those around you during the upcoming holiday? Take a moment today to text someone you love and tell them why you’re thankful for them.

Matthew West is continuing his mission to share stories of God’s grace and forgiveness. His latest story comes from Katie. After two abortions and a miscarriage, Katie told Matthew: I wasn’t sure a family of my own would ever be in my future. Sometimes finding forgiveness within yourself can be the hardest place to look. Read her entire story at https://matthewwest.co/KatieStory

Moriah Peters sister Bianca Peters is a television news reporter at the CBS affiliate in Miami.

What’s the number one question bands ask when you get off the tour bus. Brian, the drummer from Casting Crowns, says it’s “where’s catering.”

Third Days Mac Powell is more than just music. He also hosts a podcast called the Mac and Tug Show. It features topics ranging from life and music to sports, tv, movies, and MORE.  https://soundcloud.com/macandtug/

Citizen Way member Ben Calhoun has come full circle. In addition to touring with the band, he also teaches at Judson University in Chicago. Citizen Way started at the University 13 years ago.

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says there’s no catching up. He posted a picture of his phone with 132 new instant messages.

Mark Schultz this week shared his family’s Bible verse for the year. He says they try to read it every day before or after dinner. Mark adds that it varies based on who is having the meltdown. The verse is Philippians 4:12,13 = I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Do Not Turn Upside Down”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Robert G. Lee, “Secret Language”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was frustrated at not being able to beat Steve Mozart at anything. So he decided that, no matter what it took, he’d find a way to beat Steve Mozart… at something. Anything. And it’s not going very well so far.

CLOSE: Poor Millard… will he ever find ANYTHING that he can do better than Mozart? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 26/27

(NO UPDATES NOVEMBER 25-28 DUE TO THE U.S. THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY)

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature. Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it. In fact, this could all be just a big joke! There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…

CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints! It’s a giant gorilla! What will happen to Millard? Will he really be eaten? And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

The story of a robbery that turned into a friendly helping hand – that’s today’s Moment of Duh!

A gunman in St. Peters, Missouri robbed a 711 store, but returned the money minutes later because his car wouldn’t start. Amazingly, the store clerks came out to the parking lot and gave the robber’s car a jump start. Police Officer David Kuppler commented: “We have a very friendly town out here.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING BREAK AND GOING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

10. You’ll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to run down a long hallway, only to find you must wait in line.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell … okay, even if it is for only four days.

5. To eat your meals, the only trek you’ll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to “When I first started teaching here…” you can be entertained by “When your mother was your age…” and “During the Depression we weren’t lucky enough to have Brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford was the sprout!”

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.

2. You’ll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You won’t be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Chances are you’ve probably lost your car at a mall parking lot a time or too. But if you are a pack of thieves stealing items from the mall and then hiding them in said car, you probably want to ask for help finding the car from someone other than police.

FILE #1: … alas, that was not the case for three women and man from the Boston area. While police were at the Natick Collection mall to investigate a string of robberies, a Newton Police officer was approached by three ladies in the mall parking lot who couldn’t find their car. The officer realized that one of the ladies matched that description and took all three into custody. Police eventually found their car, the missing mall store items, and the wire cutters and utility knife that were used to cut off security tags.

FILE #2: Scott Schmitz of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin stole 5,619 quarters from a Buggy Bath Car Wash. In the week following the burglary, Schmitz, who didn’t have a job, bought a car using only quarters. An easy tip off to police that they were not dealing with a genius.

FILE#3: Police in Clio, Michigan stopped to check on a truck that got stuck in the mud at a city park and were shocked to find a 13-year-old boy behind the wheel. The boy’s 41-year-old father, who was sitting in the passenger seat, told police he had had too much to drink and let his son drive. The problem there was the boy had been drinking too, and open containers of beer and liquor were found in the vehicle. Dad is now facing several misdemeanor counts, including child endangerment, allowing an intoxicated person to drive his vehicle and allowing an unlicensed minor to drive. The boy’s going to juvenile court on charges that include driving while intoxicated.

STRANGE LAW: In Maine, shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

35-year-old Brian Poulin of Hebron, Connecticut called 911. In fact, he called several times. It seems that the big emergency was that he was out of beer and he wanted them to pick up more for him. Police finally showed up, but what they picked up was Brian and they charged him with disorderly conduct.

PHONER PHUN

Real Christmas trees, or plastic? This weekend many folks are going to decorate – but which way is the best way to go? What are the pros and cons of each?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to Proverbs, the tongue of the wise brings what?


ANSWER: Health (Proverbs 12:18 = There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.)

QUESTION: What was used to join the tabernacle curtains together?

ANSWER: Fifty gold taches / clasps (Exodus 26)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many passengers were aboard the Mayflower?

ANSWER: 102

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Up until about the age of eight, Pilgrim boys and girls wore the same thing – dresses. (True.)

2. Butterball says the best place to put the meat thermometer in the turkey is the breast. (False – it’s the thigh.)

3. The reason the male turkey is often referred to as “Tom Turkey” is to make fun of Thomas Jefferson. (True. Benjamin Franklin wa so upset at Thomas Jefferson for rejecting the idea that the turkey be declared the national bird of the United States that he began referring to the male turkey as a “Tom Turkey” in order to mock him.)

4. Only five pilgrim women survived to celebrate the first Thanksgiving in 1621. (True, sadly.)

5. By the 19th century, celebrating Thanksgiving is said to have been the origin of the “kiddie table.” (True.)

6. On June 20, 1998, in Bellevue, Ohio Dale Gasteier built at 52 foot turkey to celebrate the American Thanksgiving holiday. (False – he built a 52 foot star… but it was still to celebrate Thanksgiving!)

7. Every year the President of the United States pardons a turkey and it goes to a public farm called Frying Pan Park, Herndon, VA. Only one president ever decided not to pardon the turkey, and that was Harry S. Truman in 1947. (False – the turkey has always been pardoned. In fact, the tradition didn’t even begin until Harry S. Truman in 1947.)

8. Before being harvested and sold, an individual cranberry must bounce at least four inches high to make sure they aren’t too ripe. (True.)

9. The busiest travel day of the year is Thanksgiving Day. (False – it’s the day after Thanksgiving.)

10. The very first balloon in the 1927 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was Betty Boop. (False – it was Felix the Cat.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Cincinnati Billboard Advertises Drugs and _____ 24/7!” (SEX)


Apartment building owner John Wallen says he’s fed up with the all the blatant drug dealing and prostitution in his neighborhood so he paid to put up a large orange sign with big bold black letters that reads: “Drugs and Sex For Sale, 24/7.” The small print underneath says, “Please help us, call Cincinnati City Council.” He hopes the sign will embarrass authorities into cracking down on the criminal activity on the street where his building sits.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

“Yes,” the British journalist replied, “but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.”

“Why then?”

“That’s when you chaps left.”

JOKE #2

One night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman’s voice asked for Ben. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn’t Ben, and she had a wrong number.

The fifth time she called, I had had enough. 

”Hello?” I said.

“Can I speak to Ben, please?”

I replied, “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.

“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.” 

Silence on the other end… a confused silence.

“Is this Steve?”

“Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”

“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,” she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00.”

A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”

“The girl he went out with.”

“I know that! I mean… who is she?”

“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”

“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”

She was sounding pretty irate at this point. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”

She exploded, “Who’s Jennifer?” Apparently she wasn’t.

“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”

“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”

I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”

JOKE #3

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on

him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”

USELESS FACTS

Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.  ***Maybe so – but you never hear of anyone dying of second-hand couch surfing.

According to Scientific American magazine: if you live in the northern hemisphere, odds are that every time you fill your lungs with air at least one molecule of that air once passed thru Socrates lungs. *** Yep.  I thought I was feeling smarter.

FEATURED FUNNIES

DEFINITIONS FOR MY HUSBAND ON THANKSGIVING

  • PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at all times. If the book gets moved, the game could get ugly.
  • OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates — off to the side, dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap, for all to scramble for.
  • GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table, at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot) so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the coach to say the prayer.
  • TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT MARTHA saying that she’s had enough to eat).
  • COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!
  • PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a certain *televised* football game engaging your attention!
  • HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;).
  • TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched down on the table. Do not spike them, and do not dance when the mission is complete!
  • FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!
  • RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!
  • GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean up and YES… in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THE MOTHER OF ALL AIRPORT LAYOVERS

A Japanese man named Hiroshi Nohara has decided to take full advantage of his tourist’s visa in Mexico City and has moved into the airport. He’s been living there for two months. Nohara, who can’t explain why he decided to live in the city airport, has been getting by on free donations from local fast food stands and kind visitors. Apparently he was gaining so much notoriety with the local media that he’s even being sponsored by a few of the stands who give him free hats and shirts to wear. Now, as a tourist attraction in and of himself, people stop by the airport just to take their picture with him.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Then David’s throne will be established by love. From that throne a faithful king will reign, one who always does what is just and right. Isaiah 16:5…Just as Satan was cast like lightning out of heaven, he is being cast out of his earthly kingdom by the power of Jesus. As Isaiah says, “The oppressor will come to an end, and destruction will cease; the aggressor will vanish from the land” (Isaiah 16:4 NIV). Isaiah further prophesied that in love a throne would be established, that in faithfulness a man from the house of David would sit on that throne, judging with justice and righteousness (v. 5). Thank God for the power of love over hatred! “For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son…”(John 3:16). The love of God was manifested to this world the moment Jesus stepped into it. Everywhere He went, the oppressor’s kingdom came to an end. Jesus cast out devils from all those bound by them, “for God was with him” (Acts 10:38). Paul states that Jesus “died for our sins, just as God our Father planned, in order to rescue us from this evil world in which we live” (Galatians 1:4). In your darkest oppression, there is One whom God has sent to rescue you. He is the King on the throne of David. Let Him wrap His arms of love around you and protect, deliver, and rescue you from the oppressor.

By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE GOOD AND THE BAD

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble.” —Nahum 1:7

Nineveh was in trouble with God. Big trouble! Despite the good work of the reluctant prophet Jonah, Nineveh had returned to its evil ways. The Ninevites had oppressed other countries, worshiped idols, and performed acts of cruelty.

God saw this evil, and through the words of Nahum He spoke of Nineveh’s coming destruction, using words such as wrath and vengeance. Nineveh was about to face judgment.

Why would God’s prophet tell the people of Judah about this? How could Nahum’s frightening words help those who lived in the Promised Land?

There is help for answering those questions in Nahum 1:7-8. His prophecy of the destruction of those who reject God stands in sharp contrast to God’s promise to those “who trust in Him.” The godly, rather than facing judgment, would be cared for. They would have a refuge in Him.

God is not one-sided. He provides refuge, help, and comfort for those who trust Him, and He also sends judgment against those who disobey His standards.

The message for us is the same as it was for Judah. Through trust and obedience, we can enjoy the comfort of God’s refuge—even in times of trouble.

—Dave Branon

How oft in the conflict, when pressed by the foe,
I have fled to my Refuge and breathed out my woe;
How often, when trials like sea billows roll,
Have I hidden in Thee, O Thou Rock of my soul. —Cushing

Everyone must face God as Savior or as Judge.

LEFTOVERS

GAS ATTACK

Nuclear war… it almost happened recently just because of a few fish!

A fish with gas may have caused a full-scale nuclear alert! A fleet of NATO ships headed for the Baltic Sea on full alert to try to track down the “enemy submarines”, but found nothing. Instead, analysis of the propeller-like noises detected underwater showed the sound could have come from a school of herring passing wind. ***MARLAR: Who knew fish could get gas?

LIFE… LIVE IT

TURKEY BEAUTY TIPS

Tired of holiday leftovers already? No problem – I have a very unique way of getting rid of those leftovers without wasting them!

Is there no end to turkey leftovers?!?!  Apparently not, but this should help you get rid of some of them.  Romanian skin care expert Elena Schnell says you can rub those leftovers on your face to look more beautiful!  For dry skin, she suggests pumpkin pie mixed with lemon, or a facial mask of turkey fat, oatmeal and egg yolks. For oily skin, coat your face with leftover cranberries mixed with mashed potatoes and an egg white. And if you want to look good before the holiday meal, moisturize your face with whipped cream. To firm up jowls and stretch out wrinkles, carry a drumstick in each cheek. ***MARLAR: Heck, on Thanksgiving I HAD a drumstick in each cheek!

JUST FOR FUN

EXCUSES FOR NOT COMING TO WORK:

  • My stigmata’s acting up.
  • The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
  • The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
  • I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
  • My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.
  • I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
  • I’m feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I should come in?

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU OVERDID YOUR EATING WHEN…

  • Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

  • The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12′ boat!

  • You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

  • Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

  • A guest quotes a Biblical passage from “The Feeding of the 5000.”

  • That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

  • Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THE TROUBLE WITH CHAIN LETTERS

Can chain letters really be true?  Can you really experience bad luck for NOT forwarding a chain letter or chain-email to your friends? 

Let me tell you this first… I despise chain letters. I think they are not of God, and even if there were nothing wrong, spiritually, with them, I STILL wouldn’t send them out or read them because:

A: I don’t believe in luck… period.

B: They are a complete waste of time.

C: No one else in this world of any intelligence takes them seriously either.

Don’t believe me? Let me prove my point then. Let’s assume that this is in the form of a chain-letter. If you really do what you’re supposed to do, and the people that you forward this to really do what THEY are supposed to do, and so on… this is what would happen…
If you send this to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send it off to 20 other people within 4 days, in 40 days, approximately 10 trillion emails would cross the Internet.  From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion would cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion versions of this floating in cyberspace per day.
From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion would cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion e-mails a day, 41.7 trillion sendings per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.
Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by
day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond
to about 2 chain mails with this message per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain e-mails per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain e-mail to begin with. THAT’S WHY I DON’T BELIEVE IN CHAIN-MAIL… INTERNET OR OTHERWISE!

The logical conclusion? Well, if you did believe in luck (which I don’t) it is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck. Imagine one poor fellow… he could end up having 287,345 heart attacks, lose 5,137 wives, get fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and get run over by a truck. His Visa card would be revoked. Nobody would like him anymore. He finally would end up in 459 terrible car accidents, but not be lucky enough to die – and finally this poor guy would resign himself to the idea of not dying, and would immediately be hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells would go on to experience even more bad luck.  THAT’S WHY I DON’T BELIEVE IN LUCK… AND I BELIEVE EVEN LESS IN CHAIN MAIL!  Of course, if you want to test this theory and pass out this message to 20 people every single day and ask them to do the same, please feel free to do so.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Need some hope keeping the kids busy during the holidays. Don’t miss out on Joni and Friend’s fun fall word search activity from Kids’ Corner! Download your copy at http://ow.ly/l00A306kali

Sometimes it feels like Thanksgiving is a drive-by holiday. According to Family Life Today, Christmas starts to fill the stores by September, and Halloween candy seems to mesmerize the minds of our children. Meanwhile, the significance of Thanksgiving is often lost in the flurry of family, food, and football. In response, Family Life Today is sharing some ideas submitted by their staff members for honoring God in your Thanksgiving festivities. Check out their 6 suggestions at http://bit.ly/2fy88Ek.

If expediency is more important than neatness, drones might be the perfect tool for making Thanksgiving dinner. The key word is “might.” According to the Huffington Post, Autel Robotics, a drone maker based in Bothell, Washington, recently posted a video showing what happens when a chef uses a drone to make various holiday side dishes. As the footage above shows, a drone can indeed be used as a cooking tool. But the verdict is still out on whether it should be. Take a look at how it works, dish by dish: http://huff.to/2flrgrA

With the holiday’s hallmark dressing, pies, breads and flour-thickened gravy, a gluten-free Thanksgiving menu might sound totally impossible. However, Today.com says it’s not only possible, you don’t even have to give up your traditional Thanksgiving favorites like stuffing, green bean casserole and pie to create a gluten-free menu. They shared 21 gluten-free recipes that prove that a gluten-free Turkey Day can be a great Turkey Day! http://on.today.com/2filROS

The holiday season is upon us! With Thanksgiving today and a divisive election in the rearview mirror, millions of Americans expect to talk politics with friends and family members over the holiday. According to an online survey conducted by ABC News, 45 percent of Americans foresee a side of political conversation with their turkey and cranberry sauce, and 38 percent said the idea of such talk is at least somewhat stressful, with 14 percent saying it is very stressful. http://abcn.ws/2eYAc7V

A Tennessee shelter is determined to give their animals a memorable Thanksgiving by sending them home for the holidays. According to ABC News, This year, Hawkins County Humane Society in Rogersville is allowing families to host a cat or dog with the option to adopt. They say: “A lot of our animals that come to the shelter have never been in a loving home.” “We wanted to give all of the dogs and some of the cats an experience of what a family is like, what a home is like and what that attention is like.” http://abcn.ws/2fLOBDq

If you switch your focus from dieting to just living a healthy lifestyle during the holidays, you’ll actually boost your chances of maintaining your perfect weight. “Many of us will gain at least five pounds from the middle of October through New Year’s Day,” said Stefanie Barthmare, a psychotherapist with the Methodist Weight Management Center in Houston. “Because weight gain is gradual, we don’t realize the damage of our indulgences right away. But the scale tells all when the holidays are over. That’s why ‘lose weight’ is at the top of our New Year’s resolution every year.” So rather than trying to lose weight between Halloween and New Year’s Day, focus instead on not gaining weight. That is, make it your goal to maintain your weight. Don’t count every calorie. Don’t restrict yourself from your favorite holiday foods. And stay active in your everyday life.  ***Just make sure the activity in your everyday life isn’t already overeating!  (Something I need to keep an eye on myself!)

If you’ve been living in America for more than a few weeks, you know that Thanksgiving is synonymous with turkey. And while we love all those side dishes, it’s the bird that takes center stage every year. For decades, if not centuries, roasting the turkey was the only acceptable way, and, indeed, the vast majority of Americans will roast their turkey this year as well. But in recent years, other methods have become trendy. In response, Yahoo Foods is stepping in to help. A recent article features every turkey recipe you’d ever need for the perfect Thanksgiving meal. Get some turkey ideas at http://yhoo.it/1j3ulLj

Capt. John “GiddyUp” Bunch is a professional fishing guide in Florida. But according to Today.com, his tours aren’t just for fishing enthusiasts — they’re for veterans. It started over a decade ago when Bunch met a young soldier who wanted to fish before being deployed. Since that trip out to sea, he’s offered free fishing trips for veterans. More than 1,200 trips, in fact. Bunch is the founder of a charity called Operation Open Arms, which also provides free vacations, weddings and more to vets. Bunch says it’s about patriotism. Read the full article at http://on.today.com/2fmbld5

Need some help with your Thanksgiving meal? The chefs from the Food Network are stepping in to help. They are out with a list of the 50 best Thanksgiving tips. From preparing your food in advance to making use of the leftovers, it’s all there.  http://www.foodnetwork.com/chefs/articles/chefs–50-best-thanksgiving-tips.html

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The turkey is the dumbest domesticated creature on earth. Yet the turkey, as stupid as he is, has sense enough not to stuff himself on Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrims really had something to be thankful for on that first Thanksgiving. All their in-laws were still in England.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

NOVEMBER 24, 2016…

 

Loving—In the 1950’s, there was some integration in the U.S., but marriage between a black person and a white person just didn’t happen.  Well, it does in 1958, with Joel Edgerton as the white man, and Ruth Onega, as the black woman. The marriage is held in Virginia and this resulted in going to the Supreme Court and the momentous 1967 anti-discrimination ruling. “Loving” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Allied—Set in 1942, between London and other cities, “Allied” is the story of two spies, who are actually falling for each other.  One is Brad Pitt and the other is Marion Collard. and shades of “Casablanca”, costumes, atmosphere and all.  Directed by Robert Clemencies. “Allied” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.

 

Bad Santa 2—It’s a Billy Bob Thornton film for those who take the Christmas holidays with about 3 ounces of salt. He’s at it again as Willie Smoke, and this time Kathy Bates and Christina Kendrick are in the cast. Wonder what would happen if Madea (Tyler Perry) ever met Billy Bob’s “Bad Santa?” Just asking…..  “Bad Santa 2” is rated R. No rating.

 

Moana—An animated film for the holiday season, this one is set in the Islands, 2000 years ago.  It concerns a young girl (Moana and voiced by Auli Cravalho) who wants to find a mythical character called Maui (voice of Dwayne Johnson), to help her people reach a new home across the sea.  Plenty of Polynesian culture here. “Moana” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Rules Don’t Apply—Warren Beatty, who hasn’t made a film in a few years, comes back starring in, and about, Howard Hughes.  The plot has Hughes observing the budding romance between two of his employees, Lily Collins and Aiden Ehrenreich. “Rules Don’t Apply” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Lion—Saroo (played by Dev Patel from “Slumdog Millionaire”) has been separated from his family since he was a young boy. Now, an adult, he wants to find them and uses Google Earth  to aid in his search. Saroo was adopted by Nicole Kidman and David Wenham and lives in Australia. Also in the cast is  Rooney Mara.. “Lion” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans. Bring handkerchief.

 

DECEMBER 02, 2016…

 

La La Land is a nod to the old Hollywood musicals and stars Ryan Gosling (yes, he dances) and Emma Stone.

 

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.